Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Mr Monk and the Red-Headed Stranger – Monk Transcript 1.11

Adrian Monk plays the clarinet with Willie NelsonWillie Nelson sings “On the road again. I just can’t wait to get on the road again. The life I love is making music with my friends” at a rehearsal.

Willie: Uh, hold it a minute. Uh, a little else harmonica in the monitors and a little more bass. Please.
Man: Sure thing, Willie.
Willie: And a little less light on the harmonica player, please.  Continue reading...

Willie Nelson’s band mates including the harmonica player laugh.

Willie: Thank you.

Willie Nelson continues with the rehearsal and sings “On the road again. I just can’t wait to get on the road again. The life I love is making music with my friends. And I can’t wait to get on the road again. On the road again. Going places that I’ve never been. Seein’ things that I may never see again. And I can’t wait to get on the road again”.

Willlie: Is that enough of it?
Man: Sounds great. Thanks.

Willie Nelson is putting down his guitar when a man comes up to him.

Man: Mr. Nelson.
Willie: Hello.
Man: Willie.

The man chuckles. They shake hands.

Willie: Hey.
Man: I just spoke to the front office. Both shows are sold out.
Willie: Can’t beat that, huh?
Man: No, sir. And I gave your driver directions to the radio station.
Willie: What radio station?

A man talking on the cell phone arrives.

Man: For that interview you have in the morning. You remember.
Willie: All right. Can you excuse me a minute?
Man: Not a problem.

The man continues shaking Willie Nelson’s hand.

Willie: Will you, uh, let go of my hand?
Man: I am so sorry.

The man let’s go of Willie’s hand. Willie walks over to the man talking on the cell phone.

Sonny: Put the women’s bathroom signs over the exits. We can get more people in that way. I—I gotta go.

Sonny hangs up his phone.

Sonny: Hey, Will. Sorry I’m late. How’d the rehearsal go?
Willie: Well, we managed to get by without you again.
Sonny: Something wrong?
Willie: Yeah, something’s wrong.
Sonny: If it’s about the $400 from last night’s poker game—
Willie: No, it’s the $400,000. The books didn’t add up.
Sonny: Can we go, uh, talk about this on the bus?
Willie: We’ll talk about it now. Are you rippin’ me off?

The other band members look at Willie and Sonny.

Sonny: No! Is this a joke?
Willie: No joke.
Sonny: I never do the books till we get back to Austin.
Willie: Well, if the books don’t add up today, you won’t be goin’ back to Austin.

Sonny arrives at the radio station. He is again on the cell phone.

Sonny: Now just shut up and listen. Get all the receipts you can together. I’ll make up the res--

Sonny reads the sign that says “J. Cross use side door”.

Sonny: Ah, geez. Oh, please, calm down. I gotta go.

A gunshot wakes the recording studio employee sleeping on a couch. He hears another gunshot. He makes his way to the door.

Woman: Help! Come quick!

The guy steps out of the studio to the back alley. Willie Nelson is standing over a man lying on the ground.

Woman: Help! Help! Help! Help, somebody!

Willie Nelson runs.

Woman: Somebody help! I’m in the alley! Come quick! Oh, God!

Willie approaches the guy from the recording studio.

Willie: Call 9-1-1!
Guy: What’s goin’ on?
Willie: Sonny’s been shot.
Woman: Somebody come quick! Oh, God!

The guy is in a panic and turns to Willie.

Guy: What did you do?

The police is at the crime scene. Randy Disher talks to one of the detectives.

Lt. Disher: No press. Nobody gets wind of this, okay?

Randy Disher goes over to one of the officers.

Lt. Disher: Just bag it until you get to the lab, okay?
Officer: Okay. Who is it?

Randy turns to another officer.

Lt. Disher: Mark off that side over there.

Adrian Monk steps out of Sharona Fleming’s car. Sharona is on the phone.

Sharona: I told you, my hours were crazy. Uh-huh. You know what? I—I—I just got to the crime scene. I’ll—I’ll call you later, okay? How—how late are you gonna be up?

Sharona Fleming chuckles.

Sharona: All right. Okay. All right, bye.
Mr. Monk: Who was that?
Sharona: None of your business.
Mr. Monk: Well, can I take a wild guess?
Sharona: You never take wild guesses.
Mr. Monk: Was it the guy you met last week at the party—Justin?
Sharona: Maybe.
Mr. Monk: When do I get to meet him?
Sharona: Never, ‘cause you ruin everything.
Mr. Monk: I’m protecting you.

Sharona Fleming sighs.

Sharona: Adrian, you’re not my mother. Look, I checked him out on the Internet. He’s an architect who’s won awards. He’s the real deal.
Mr. Monk: So, let me meet him.
Sharona: We’ll invite you to our tenth anniversary, okay? Now, will you pay attention? There’s a dead guy over here.

An officer approaches Randy Disher.

Officer: Can we cut the witness loose?
Lt. Disher: Yes.

The officer prepares to walk away.

Lt. Disher: No, no. Wait, wait. Uh, no. No, we better not.

Another officer approaches Randy Disher.

Officer: Sir, the building next door has a security camera. Maybe we could have a look at the tape.
Lt. Disher: Yes, good idea. Talk to the owner.
Officer: Wouldn’t we need a court order for that?
Lt. Disher: Right. I’ll take care of that later.

Randy Disher goes over to Adrian Monk.

Lt. Disher: Monk.
Sharona: Where’s the captain?
Lt. Disher: He’s getting an X-ray. He was in an accident.
Mr. Monk: Is he okay?
Lt. Disher: He fell off of his motorcycle. That’s all I know until he gets back, I’m in charge.
Sharona: Oh, my God.
Lt. Disher: I’m so glad you’re here. Monk, listen. This is big. In fact, this could be the big one. We have a suspect inside. It’s Willie Nelson.

Adrian Monk smiles and looks excited.

Mr. Monk: The Red-headed stranger?
Lt. Disher: The press hasn’t got wind of it yet, so just—
Mr. Monk: Can I—can I—can I talk to him?
Sharona: You like Willie Nelson?
Mr. Monk: Are you surprised?
Sharona: Well, yeah. It’s just so—so normal.
Lt. Disher: Willie’s inside, and he’s not talking to anyone until his lawyer gets here. If you want, you can meet his road manager.

Randy Disher walks over to the dead body.

Lt. Disher: Say hello to Sonny Cross. We found this on the front door.

Randy Disher hands Adrian Monk an evidence bag containing the sign that was on the radio station’s door.

Lt. Disher: To lure him into the alley.
Sharona: What does the “J” stand for?
Lt. Disher: His legal name was Jason Cross. Look at this.

Randy Disher uncovers the corpse.

Lt. Disher: Shot one through the collarbone, shot two straight in the back while he was running away. We have a witness, Monk, who heard Willie Nelson and Cross arguing just before the shots were fired. We found the gun over there behind the Dumpster. It’s a Webley—a Mark 1 .38-caliber. No prints.
Mr. Monk: An old Webley?
Lt. Disher: Yes. We can rule out a mugging.

Adrian Monk puts his left forward then outstretches both of his arms then flaps them like a bird.

Lt. Disher: What’s he doing?
Sharona: What are you doing?
Mr. Monk: The bullet hole in the jacket lines up with the entry wound.
Lt. Disher: So?
Mr. Monk: Well, you said they were arguing, but if he was animated, if his hands were up or he was gesturing then the holes wouldn’t match up. No, this man had his hands down at his sides. And he—he wasn’t frightened either. He—you say there was an eyewitness?
Lt. Disher: Well, not exactly an eyewitness.

Lt. Disher points at the witness.

Lt. Disher: Her name’s Wendy Mass. She’s been blind since she was 16. She lives in one of those assisted living places up on Mountain View.
Sharona: Oh, my God. I know her. I’ve seen her in the park.
Mr. Monk: That’s your witness?
Lt. Disher: She said she heard the whole thing.

Later, Randy Disher talks to Willie Nelson’s lawyer.

Lawyer #1: Lieutenant, from here it looks like your hands are empty.
Lt. Disher: Excuse me?
Lawyer #1: you’re not holding a warrant, are you?
Lt. Disher: No, I’m not.
Lawyer #1: Then we’re finished here.
Lt. Disher: I—I just wanna make sure that we have all the details.
Lawyer #2: What more do you want? Our client has given you his statement three times already.
Willie: It’s okay, Josh. I’m as anxious to get this thing cleared up as you are.
Lt. Disher: Thank you. Now, Mr. Nelson.

Adrian Monk enters the room where Willie Nelson is.

Lt. Disher: You admit that you and Mr. Cross were arguing yesterday?
Willie: We argue all the time.
Lt. Disher: About what?
Willie: Only two things to argue about, and money is one of ‘em.
Lt. Disher: And you were coming here to do a radio interview?
Lawyer #2: We’ve already been over this.
Willie: It’s okay. He’s just doin’ his job. Look, Lieutenant, I got out of the car, I heard some shots went around the corner into the alley. Sonny was layin’ dead. I couldn’t believe it.
Lt. Disher: Was anybody else in the alley?
Willie: There was this lady with a cane. Uh, she could’ve been blind. She was screamin’ at the top of her voice. She had a great set of lungs, I know that.
Lt. Disher: Thank you very much. That’s all I need for now.

Adrian Monk clears his throat and approaches Willie Nelson.

Mr. Monk: Excuse me. Mr. Willie—Wilson—Nelson. I just have, uh, one question.
Lawyer #1: Who the hell are you?
Mr. Monk: I’m Adrian Monk.
Lawyer #2: And what department are you with?
Lt. Disher; Mr. Monk isn’t on the force. He’s here as a consultant at my request.
Mr. Monk: First of all, I just wanna say…I’m—I’m your second biggest fan.
Willie: Well, who’s the first?
Mr. Monk: Uh, that--that’d be my wife. I lost her about five years ago.
Willie: I’m sorry to hear that, Mr. Monk.
Mr. Monk: No, I just wanted to tell you…how much your music has meant to me and to my wife.
Sharona: This isn’t a fan club. Just ask your question.
Mr. Monk: Right.
Sharona: Come on.
Mr. Monk: How long did you know Jason?

Willie Nelson turns to his lawyers.

Willie: Who the hell’s Jason?
Mr. Monk: Uh, I’m sorry. I mean Sonny.
Willie: I forgot his real name. About 18 and a half years on and off, mostly off.
Lawyer #1: All right. Enough is enough. Come on, Willie.

The lawyer leads Willie Nelson out the door. The lawyer turns to Randy Disher.

Lawyer #1: You know where to reach us.
Lt. Disher: Yes, I do.
Mr. Monk: Randy, you got a second?
Lt. Disher: What?
Mr. Monk: Look.

Adrian Monk shows Randy Disher the sign.

Mr. Monk: Look again. “J” Cross. Whoever wrote this knew Sonny by his legal name, not his nickname.
Lt. Disher: So?
Mr. Monk: I don’t think Willie did it.
Lt. Disher: Monk, he was shot twice—once in the back 20 feet away. It wasn’t the blind lady.
Mr. Monk: Then there must’ve been somebody else in that alley.

Randy Disher interrogates Wendy Mass.

Lt. Disher: Now, Mrs. Mass, you said you were taking the bus.
Wendy: That’s right, I was visiting a friend, and—and I missed my stop. I never like to admit it, but it happens. So I got off, and I started to walk. Then I turned down that alley.

Adrian Monk notices the uneven pencils.

Wendy: Thinking that I could cut through to 4th Avenue, but it was blocked off.
Lt. Disher: Well, the alley was a dead—
Sharona: Oh, yeah. There was construction. Uh-huh. It’s a dead-end.
Wendy: Dead end. Exactly. So, I started to turn around, and then I heard these two men arguing.
Mr. Monk: Uh, about what?
Wendy: I couldn’t tell.

Adrian Monk goes over to the pencil holder.

Wendy: They were very angry. And then I heard these two shots—

Adrian Monk takes one of the pencils.

Wendy: Bang. Bang.

Adrian Monk sharpens the pencil.

Wendy: Well, my heart was pounding and I couldn’t move.

Monk takes another pencil.

Wendy: Then this one man came up to me and he said—

Adrian sharpens the other pencil.

Wendy: “Tell anybody about this and I’ll kill you.”

Adrian sharpens another one such that all three are now of the same height.

Sharona: Adrian.

Leland Stottlemeyer arrives with his right arm in a sling.

Captain Stottlemeyer: How’s it going?
Lt. Disher: Miss Mass, this is Captain Stottlemeyer.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Mrs. Mass, how do you do?

Wendy Mass shakes Leland Stottlemeyer’s hand.

Lt. Disher: He’ll be in charge of the case from here on in, thank God.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Good job, Lieutenant.

Randy Disher shakes Leland Stottlemeyer’s hand.

Lt. Disher: Oh, rhank you, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You’re welcome.
Sharona: Hey, hey. Are you okay?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I’m fine.

Sharona Flerming turns to the blind Wendy Mass.

Sharona: Oh, his arm’s in a sling.
Wendy: Oh, sorry.
Sharona: What happened?
Captain Stottlemeyer: It’s nothing. I fell off my motorcycle. I was on the dirt trails north of Highway 18. Slipped on a bunch of wet leaves.
Lt. Disher: It could’ve been a lot worse. You’re a very lucky man, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, well. I don’t feel like a lucky man. It’s a feeding frenzy out there. We’ve gotta be very careful how we handle this one.
Lt. Disher: Yes, sir.

Sharona Fleming walks over to Wendy Mass.

Sharona: Are you okay?
Lt. Disher: So, what’s the plan?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, you know how they handled the O.J. case down in Los Angeles? We do the opposite. Where are we?
Lt. Disher: Uh, same as I told you on the phone, sir. Mrs. Mass is reasonably sure that she can recognize the assailant’s voice.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Reasonably sure. Excuse me, Mrs. Mass? Do you listen to country and western music?
Wendy: No, I like classical.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, good. Bring him in.

Adrian Monk approaches Leland Stottlemeyer and whispers to him.

Mr. Monk: Captain, uh, I wouldn’t tell that story about your accident to too many people.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Why not?
Mr. Monk: Well, the hills north of Highway 18 have been closed for two weeks. Brush fires.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Really?
Mr. Monk: What really happened?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I was cleaning my gutters and slipped, fell off the ladder.
Mr. Monk: Oh.
Lt. Disher: We’re ready, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Now, Mrs. Mass. I want you to take your time.

Willie Nelson enters the line-up booth.

Captain Stottlemeyer: And I want you to listen very carefully, all right?
Wendy: All right.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Are you all right?
Wendy: Yes.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Good. All right, number one, please.

A man goes up to a microphone and reads a note.

Man #1: Tell anybody about this and I’ll kill you.
Wendy: No, no.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Number two.
Man #2: Tell anybody about this and I’ll kill you.
Wendy: No.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And number three. Read the line, please.
Willie: Tell anybody about this and I’ll kill you.
Wendy: That’s him. That—that’s the voice. That’s him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Now, you’re sure?
Wendy: That’s him. I know that’s him.

Leland Stottlemeyer sighs. Later, Leland Stottlemeyer holds a press conference.

Captain Stottlemeyer: This investigation is open and ongoing. We have at least one witness, and there is some physical evidence, which is being analyzed as we speak.
Reporter: #1 Captain, is Willie Nelson a suspect?
Captain Stottlemeyer: We haven’t ruled out anybody as of yet. That’s all I can say.
Reporter #2: Has Mr. Nelson made a statement?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Nelson has been very cooperative. He’s agreed to stay in town and remain available to us at our discretion. Now, I—I wanna stress this again. We have not accused or charged anyone of this crime.

A naked man runs behind Leland Stottlemeyer and Randy Disher.

Naked man: Whoo-hoo!

The reporters laugh and applause.

The naked man runs away, but slips and falls on the ground.

Naked man: Whoo!

The reporters go over to the naked man.

Captain Stottlemeyer: What the hell was that?
Lt. Disher: That was a streaker, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What is this 1974?

The reporters watch and take pictures of the naked man running away.

Naked man: Oh, yeah!

Leland Stottlemeyer chuckles.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, if there are no further questions—We’ll be going. Thank you.

Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming stand outside of the radio station. Sharona Fleming is on the cell phone.

Sharona; Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait. Justin, hold on. Hold on. One sec.

Adrian Monk is panting.

Sharona: Adrian. Adrian, you’re gonna have a heart attack.
Mr. Monk: I can’t believe he called me. Willie Nelson called me.
Sharona: Okay, will you just relax? He’s just—Adrian, he’s just a regular guy who happens to sing and play guitar.
Mr. Monk: No! He’s not! You take that back!

A luxury sedan approaches.

Mr. Monk: Okay. Okay, here he is. Here—here he comes. Okay, just act natural.
Sharona: Okay.
Mr. Monk: Just—be cool.

Sharona Fleming resumes her phone conversation.

Sharona: Justin, hold on—just hold on. Hold on. It might be him.

The luxury sedan drives by. Sharona Fleming speaks on the phone.

Sharona: False alarm. Oh, God. I wish—I wish you were here. My boss is tryin’ to act cool, and he is totally hyperventilating.

A huge bus parks in front of the radio station.

Mr. Monk: Okay, now he’s gonna block the street.
Sharona: All right, Justin—
Mr. Monk: We’re gonna miss him now.
Sharona: Okay, just let me—let me call you back later. Okay, bye.
Mr. Monk: Excuse me.

Adrian Monk knocks on the bus.

Mr. Monk: This is not a bus stop!
Sharona: Adrian, please! Please!
Mr. Monk: I’m waiting for Willie!
Sharona: He’s not blocking the road.

Willie Nelson comes out of the bus.

Willie: Hello, Mr. Monk. Sorry, we’re late. Come on in.
Sharona: All right.

Sharona Fleming chuckles. Adrian Monk is all smiles. They board the bus.

Willie: Thanks for coming. My lawyer tells me that you’re about the only friend I got left in town.
Mr. Monk: Do you smell that.
Willie: Un, no, I don’t, and you don’t either.
Mr. Monk: I don’t either.

Sharona Fleming chuckles. Adrian Monk forces himself to laugh.

Willie: This is a little piece of Texas on wheels.
Sharona: I love it.
Mr. Monk: It’s the bomb.

Sharona Fleming whispers to Adrian Monk.

Sharona: “It’s the bomb”?
Mr. Monk: Bomb is good. It’s good.

Adrian Monk turns to Willie Nelson.

Mr. Monk: Willie, uh, if you wouldn’t mind.

Adrian Monk pulls out an old record.

Willie: Where in the world did you get that? I haven’t seen that one in a long time.
Mr. Monk: Ah, I have ‘em all. And if you could just—if you could make it out to Trudy.
Willie: Sure.
Mr. Monk: She worshipped you. On our first date, we went to see one of your shows. It was the Shoreline Amphitheater.
Willie: Yeah, I remember y’all. You were sittin’ on this blue blanket.
Mr. Monk: Really?
Willie: No, I’m just kiddin’.

Sharona Fleming laughs and so does Adrian Monk.

Mr. Monk: Oh, he’s—jokin’. Willie’s jokin’. Hey, the bus is moving now.
Willie: Mm-hmm. It’s gonna do that. Sit down.

Willie Nelson finishes signing the record. He shows it to Adrian Monk.

Willie: There you go.
Mr. Monk: Thank you.

They arrive at a barbecue. Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming stand behind Willie Nelson who is playing poker with some of the guys.

Man #1: One more card, down and dirty.

Man #2 starts humming.

Man #2: So, it’s up to me? Three dollars.
Willie: Well, I think you’re tryin’ to buy it. I don’t believe you got that deuce.

Adrian Monk whispers to Sharona Fleming.

Mr. Monk: He’s not bluffing.

Willie Nelson turns around.

Willie: What?

Willie Nelson turns to the guys.

Willie: It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s a friendly game.
Mr. Monk: He’s not bluffing. He’s got the deuce.

Willie Nelson turns to Sharona Fleming.

Sharona: Fold.
Willie: I fold. What do you got?

The man puts down a two of clubs.

Willie: Now, what do you want for that?
Man #2: How’d you know that?
Mr. Monk: When you looked at your card, you started to hum that song “Deuce’s Wild” from the “Yesterday’s Wine” album. You played stand-up bass on that cut.
Willie: Did you play on that?
Man #2: Oh, yeah.
Mr. Monk: He sat in for three songs on that album. I believe that was the first time you used to stand-up bass in the studio.

Man #2 leaves. Willie Nelson stands up.

Willie: You know more about me than I do.

Sharona Fleming laughs.

Sharona: He knows more about everybody than they do.
Willie: Well, why do they think I shot Sonny?
Sharona: Um, well, you gotta admit it looks pretty bad. The blind lady said that she heard everything.
Willie: The blind lady’s lyin’.
Sharona: Why was she lying?
Willie: I don’t know. I do a lot of things, but I wouldn’t hurt anybody. You know, I might write a bad song about ‘em. And as far as Sonny was concerned, maybe I should’ve fired him a long time ago, but there’s more I could’ve fired too.
Mr. Monk: Is—is that a Rosewood?

Adrian Monk points at a clarinet.

Willie: Yeah. You play?
Mr. Monk: Ah, a little.
Sharona: Oh, he’s just being modest. No, he’s very good.
Mr. Monk: I’ve never—never played a Rosewood clarinet. That’s—that is a beautiful thing.
Willie: Well, come over and kick the tires.

Willie Nelson walks over to the clarinet. Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming follow him.

Sharona: Um, Willie? Um, um—
Willie: Yeah.
Sharona: Adrian can’t play somebody else’s instrument. He, uh, has a little problem with germs.
Willie: I got a brand-new mouthpiece right here, untouched by human lips.

Adrian Monk puts in the brand-new mouthpiece and starts playing the clarinet.

Willie: Very nice.
Mr. Monk: you think so?
Willie: Do you know “Georgia On My Mind”?
Mr. Monk: Oh. Sure.

Adrian Monk prepares to play the song, but Willie Nelson stops him.

Willie: Tomorrow night we’re doing this radio concert. My agent thought it might be a good idea for publicity or whatever. Uh, we’re gonna do “Georgia On My Mind”. Would you like to come over and play?
Mr. Monk: You—you mean play with the band?
Willie: Yeah. You think about it.
Mr. Monk: No, no, I’d better not. If I think about it, I might say no.

Adrian Monk practices the clarinet at Sharona Fleming’s house.

Sharona: Honey, do your homework.
Benjy: I can’t concentrate.
Sharona: I know, but he has to practice. He’s gonna be on the radio with Willie Nelson.
Benjy: Who’s Willie Nelson?
Sharona: He’s a country singer.
Benjy: Has he ever been on MTV?
Sharona: No, but he’s been on the news.
Benjy: What for?
Sharona: Well, according to the I.R.S. when he was a little boy, he didn’t do his math homework.
Mr. Monk: I think I got it. Listen to this.
Sharona: Adrian, will you give it a break? Benjy could play this song by now. Come on.

Adrian Monk continues playing.

Benjy: Did you really meet a blind lady?
Sharona: Yeah.
Benjy: Does she have a dog?
Sharona: No, she had a cane.
Benjy: Hey, maybe I can interview her for that report I have to do on people with disabilities.
Sharona: Wa-wait, I thought you were gonna write about—
Benjy: It only has to be two pages. Mr. Monk is a whole book.
Sharona: You know what? I’ll ask her.

The telephone rings. Sharona Fleming makes her way to answer the phone, but turns to Adrian Monk.

Sharona: Will you stop it? Stop! Adrian!

Sharona Fleming answers the phone.

Sharona: Hello?

Adrian Monk resumes playing the clarinet. Sharona turns to him.

Sharona: Uh—Adrian!

Adrian stops playing the clarinet.

Sharona: Yes, yes, yes, um, right. We’ll be there right away.

Adrian plays again.

Sharona: Adrian, Adrian! That was Stottlemeyer. He wants to see us right away.
Mr. Monk: Should I bring my clarinet? I could practice in the car.

Sharona Fleming gives Adrian Monk a piercing look.

Mr. Monk: I’ll just leave it right here.

Adrian Monk, Sharona Fleming and Randy Disher are at Leland Stottlemeyer’s office.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Close the door.

Randy Disher closes the door.

Captain Stottlemeyer: What you are about to see cannot leave this room. The tabloids would pay a million dollars for this videotape. It’s from the surveillance camera near the crime scene.

Randy Disher plays the video.

Lt. Disher: The alley’s a dead end. This is the only way in. The side door to the radio station was wired to an alarm, so we know it wasn’t opened.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Bottom line, we can tell for sure who was or was not there.

Adrian Monk pretends playing the clarinet.

Captain Stottlemeyer: What the hell are you doing?

Adrian Monk signals to Leland Stottlemeyer to wait a minute.

Sharona: Oh, uh, he’s practicing.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Really?
Sharona: Willie Nelson invited him to sit in with his band.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, he may be live from Folsom Prison. Check this out. Go ahead.

Randy Disher plays the video.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, there goes Mrs. Mass. Tap, tap, tap. She goes into the alley. Fast-forward. And there goes the soon-to-be-late Sonny Cross. And there goes Willie Nelson. Nobody else goes in or out. Pretty much a slam dunk.
Sharona: Are you gonna arrest him?
Captain Stottlemeyer: D.A.’s ready to move. I’m waiting for some tests from the lab. Maybe tomorrow.

Leland Stottlemeyer turns to Randy Disher.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Call your mom. Tell her to set the VCR. We’re gonna be on the 6:00 news.
Mr. Monk: Captain, what about the note on the door?
Captain Stottlemeyer: My videotape trumps your note. Ask any lawyer.
Mr. Monk: I don’t know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, look. My heroes have been always been cowboys too. It’s either “A,” the blind woman, who has zero motive, or it’s “B,” your buddy, the Red-headed Stranger.
Lt. Disher: Who had motive, means and opportunity, and was the identified by the only witness at the scene.
Captain Stottlemeyer: “A” or “B”, Monk?
Mr. Monk: I think it’s “C”.
Captain Stottlemeyer: “C”? What the hell is “C”?
Mr. Monk: I don’t know yet.

Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming are with Wendy Mass at the grocery.

Sharona: So he just wants to ask you a couple of questions.
Wendy: I don’t mind. I love children.
Mr. Monk: 430, 431, 431 cereal boxes. That’s a prime number.

A woman takes one of the cereal boxes. Adrian Monk is annoyed.

Sharona: Now, is there anything else you need?
Wendy: Let’s see. Mushroom soup. It’s in the next aisle.
Mr. Monk: Uh, Mrs. Mass. I have a few questions. How did you know the alley was there?
Wendy: I have a lot of friends in that neighborhood. I’ve lived in San Francisco for 17 years. The soup should be right up here.
Sharona: Oh, I got it.

Sharona Fleming hands Wendy Mass a can of soup.

Wendy: Thank you. I peel back the corner. That way I can tell which can is which when I get home. I got a hundred little tricks. Let’s see. Oh, juice. Excuse me. Should be—

Wendy Mass feels the items.

Wendy: Yeah, is this apple?
Sharona: Yep.
Wendy: Okay. Then we’re done.
Mr. Monk: Mrs. Mass. A—are you certain that there was no one else in the alley? Maybe someone hiding behind the dumpster?
Wendy: Well, I didn’t here anybody, and I didn’t sense anybody, and I’m not easy to fool. Mr. Monk, I’m sorry about Willie Nelson. I’m sure he’s a very talented singer. But I was there. He did it.
Cashier: Hey, there, Mrs. Mass.
Wendy: Hello, Janice. Well, as you can see. I didn’t need you this time. Uh, this is Mr. Monk, and, and his friend Sharona Fleming.
Sharona: Hey, how are you?
Janice: Hi, how are you? Okay. That comes to $25.88.
Wendy: Here’s a 20, and there’s a 10.
Janice: I’m telling you, she’s an amazing woman. And I’m not just saying that because she didn’t sue us.
Mr. Monk: Didn’t sue you?
Wendy: Well, I had a little accident in the produce section last year. I slipped in a puddle of water.
Janice: A little accident? She had a concussion. We had to call the ambulance and everything.
Wendy: It was just a little bump. I was fine.

Adrian Monk looks at the groceries.

Mr. Monk: What’s all this?
Sharona: It’s for Saturday night. I’m cooking dinner for Justin.
Mr. Monk: Maybe I should drop by.
Sharona: Adrian, I love my job, but if I have to get a restraining order, I will. Okay?

Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming are at the back alley where Sonny Cross was killed. Adrian pulls out a water gun from his pocket.

Sharona: Where did you get that?
Mr. Monk: I borrowed it from Benjy. Okay. This is where it happened. So, I’m the killer. You’re Sonny Cross. Okay, I’m hiding.

Adrian Monk makes his way to the dumpster.

Mr. Monk: There is so much garbage back here.
Sharona: Oh, please.
Mr. Monk: Okay, here I am, I’m hiding. You walk up the alley. I jump out. I step out to you…and bang!

Adrian Monk shoots Sharona Fleming with water.

Sharona: Ow! Why am I always the victim?
Mr. Monk: Because the victim usually ends up on the ground in—in the dirt, and I’m—I’m me. Okay, so now you’ve been shot, so now you run away.
Sharona: With pleasure.

Sharona Fleming runs away. Adrian Monk shoots Sharona now with a plastic bullet.

Sharona: Ow! You know—Give me that gun.

Sharona Fleming walks up to Adrian Monk. She sighs.

Sharona: This is ridiculous.
Mr. Monk: Okay, the first shot was point blank. Even the blind woman could’ve done that one. But the second shot. The second shot—20 feet away, a moving target—impossible.
Sharona: So, it had to be Willie Nelson.
Mr. Monk: I don’t think so.
Sharona: Then what do you think?
Mr. Monk: I think we need to learn more about Sonny Cross.

Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming are in a record store.

Man: Sixty-five dollars? Gold Mine has it for 40 in better condition.
Owner: Then go buy it from Gold Mine. Go on, go. Leave. Why are you still in my store?
Sharona: Look at all these plastic bags.

Sharona Fleming chuckles.

Sharona: You must be in heaven.
Mr. Monk: I never heard of these bands.
Sharona: You never heard of The Ramones?
Mr. Monk: Oh, yeah. The Ramones. They are great. I love that song they do about loving that woman all night long.

Sharona Fleming sighs.

Sharona: Shut up.

The owner confronts Adrian Monk.

Owner: Look, if you must manhandle, at least put things back where they came from.
Mr. Monk: I think I did.
Owner: No. You put things back alphabetically, but there happens to be a chronological sub order. Now I have to redo the whole section. Thank you very little.

Adrian Monk sighs.

Owner: So, you wanna know about Sonny Cross, hmm? Well, he managed these guys—

The owner shows Adrian Monk a record.

Owner: For a while back in ’87 till they fired him.
Sharona: Why?
Owner: Same reason these guys fired him in ’82.

The owner shows them another record.

Owner: He was humping the lead singer’s wife. That cat had nine lives. Oh, he, uh, he managed these guys for a while as well.
Mr. Monk: They fired him?
Owner: Didn’t have a choice. Hard to handle them from the Florida State Penitentiary. Did, uh, two years, I think. Drinking and driving. Apparently, he killed a guy. And now he’s been immortalized as the man Willie Nelson shot. Mmm.
Mr. Monk: You missed one.
Owner: I didn’t—oh, you’re right.
Sharona: Are you two related?
Mr. Monk and the Owner: Why would you say that?

Randy Disher enters Leland Stottlemeyer’s office.

Lt. Disher: Sir, are you ready for this?
Captain Stottlemeyer: What is this a game show? Can’t you just walk in here and say what you have to say?
Lt. Disher: The droplets on Willie Nelson’s jacket—human blood from the victim.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, he said that he leaned over the body. Maybe he got the blood on him then.
Lt. Disher: The lab is 40% sure they’re splatter marks from the actual shooting.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Forty percent?
Lt. Disher: What do you think?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, I think it’s not exactly through the hoop, is it?
Lt. Disher: Okay, the blood is 40%. Videotape?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Forty-eight percent.
Lt. Disher: Voice I.D.?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Fifteen percent.
Lt. Disher: Motive?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Twenty.
Lt. Disher: Well, that’s like 123%. I mean, plus means and opportunity.

Leland Stottlemeyer sighs.

Captain Stottlemeyer: All right, bring him in. I have to be crazy. Be plumb out of my mind to arrest Willie Nelson.

Willie Nelson’s band is at the radio station.

Kenny: We’re back. I’m Little Kenny Freedman. You’re listening to Three Chord Monte on KNGY. We are very excited to have live in our studio the legendary Willie Nelson. I know you’ve been reading a lot about Willie in the papers. Everybody seems to have an opinion on “the incident”. But tonight, we’re gonna forget about all that and enjoy the music. Willie, would you like to introduce the band.
Willie: Yeah, thank you very much. First of all, on the bass here from Helodus, Texas, Mr. Bee Spears.

A band member turns to Adrian Monk.

Man: This is your microphone. Just don’t get too close. Here, I’ll show you.

The band member takes the clarinet.

Willie: Willie Payne from Alabama, and our special guest is Adrian Monk—

The man puts his lips on the mouthpiece then returns the clarinet to Adrian Monk. Terrified Adrian looks at Sharona Fleming.

Willie: Playing the clarinet and sittin’ in with us on a Ray Charles standard that we love to do called “Georgia On My Mind”.

Willie Nelson starts to play his guitar then sings “Georgia. Georgia—“. Sharona Fleming turns to the radio talk show host.

Sharona: Excuse me. We have to stop.
Kenny: We can’t stop. We’re live.
Sharona: No, my friend can’t play now. That guy just put his lips on his clarinet.

Willie Nelson continues singing “Just an old sweet song keeps Georgia on my mind”. Adrian Monk signals to Sharona Fleming. Sharona mouths that they cannot stop and that he has to play. Willie Nelson sings “Georgia, Georgia, a song of you—“. Adrian Monk wipes he mouthpiece on the other guitar player’s shirt. Willie Nelson continues singing “ Comes as sweet and clear—“. The guitar player looks at Adrian Monk, while Willie continues “As moonlight through the pines”.

Willie: All right, Adrian.

Adrian Monk couldn’t force to put his lips on the clarinet.

Willie: Play it, Adrian.

Adrian Monk ends up just whistling. Willie Nelson continues singing “Georgia, Georgia. No peace I find and just an old sweet song keeps Georgia on my mind”. Embarrassed Adrian Monk hands the clarinet to the guy who put his lips on his mouthpiece. Willie sings “ And just an old sweet song keeps Georgia on my mind. On my mind. On my mind. On my mind.”

Later, Willie Nelson turns to Adrian Monk.

Willie: Nice solo. That’s some mighty good whistlin’ there. Well, did you have fun?
Mr. Monk: It was great. If there’s anything I can do for you guys. Anything.
Band member #1: You used to be a cop, right?
Mr. Monk: Well, yeah.
Band member #1: Get us a key to the evidence room.

Adrian Monk chuckles.

Mr. Monk: Yeah.

Leland Stottlemeyer followed by Randy Disher and two officers enters the studio.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Willie Nelson?
Band member #2: I’m Willie Nelson.
Band member #3: I’m Willie Nelson.
Band member #1: I’m Willie Nelson.
Willie: I don’t think they’re goin’ for it, boys.
Lt. Disher: Mr. Nelson, we have a warrant for your arrest for the premeditated murder of Jason “ Sonny” Cross.

Adrian Monk turns to Leland Stottlemeyer.

Mr. Monk: Captian, this is a mistake. He is not the guy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, you can’t be objective. You’re a member of the damn band.
Willie: Mr. Monk.
Officer: This way, Mr. Nelson. Let’s go.

The San Francisco Police Department holds a press conference.

Jeff: As you know, Willie Hugh Nelson was arrested at 10:15 last night. He will be indicted in Judge Hackman’s courtroom tomorrow. Captain Stottlemeyer was the arresting officer and will be happy to answer any of your questions. Captain.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you, Jeff. First of all, I would like to thank the members of my department who have been investigating this case. They’ve done an outstanding job.
Reporter #1: Captain, how strong is your case against Willie Nelson? We would not have authorized this arrest unless we were certain that we have all the facts for the district attorney to successfully prosecute this case.

The naked man disrupts the press conference once again.

Reporter #1: Oh! Get a shot of that.
Streaker: Hey, hi!

Leland Stottlemeyer whispers to Randy Disher.

Captain Stottlemeyer: For the love of—I want him. Go, go! Get him!

Randy Disher and other police officers run to catch the streaker. Leland Stottlemeyer fakes a laugh.

Captain Stottlemeyer: San Francisco. You gotta love it.

The streaker continues running as the police try to catch him.

Lt. Disher: We’re on foot, ehading south towards Prospect.
Woman on Radio: Is there a description?
Lt. Disher: He’s wearing gray sneakers.
Woman on Radio: Is there anything else?
Lt. Disher: He’s not Jewish!
Streaker: Come on!

The naked man chuckles. He passes a homeless person.

Streaker: Excuse me. Oh, yeah. Good boys.

A police car blocks the streaker’s way.

Police: All right, hold it right there! Stop! Stop! Stay where you are. All right, we got him.

The police handcuff the streaker. Randy Disher talks on the radio.

Lt. Disher: Streaker in custody.

Adrian Monk, Sharona Fleming and Benjy are at Wendy Mass’ house.

Wendy: I’ve never been interviewed before. I feel like a celebrity.

Benjy shouts.

Benjy: Are you ready? I am clicking on the tape recorder.
Wendy: Benjy, you don’t have to shout. My hearing’s fine.
Benjy: Sorry. Have you always been blind?
Wendy: Well, I could see until I was 16 years old. I was in a car accident.
Mr. Monk: I have a question. Mrs. Mass, the murder weapon was find behind you near the dumpster. Do you have any idea how it got there?
Wendy: No, I don’t remember much. I was scared to death.
Sharona: Adrian, this is Benjy’s interview.
Mr. Monk: Then what am I doing here?
Sharona: I don’t know. I never know.
Benjy: How do you know what to wear every day?
Wendy: What a good question. I add special buttons to my clothes so I can tell ‘em apart. Like this jacket, I know that it’s blue because the bottom is square. See?
Benjy: Oh, cool.
Wendy: Uh-huh.

Adrian Monk looks around the house.

Benjy: Did you parents teach you that?
Wendy: No. My parents were killed in the same care accident that blinded me. I lost everything in one horrible moment. My sight, my family—um, sorry, dear. What’s next?
Benjy: Uh—why—why do you keep pictures on your walls?
Wendy: Oh, they’re for visitors like you.

Adrian Monk looks at a picture of Wendy with her parents by their car.

Mr. Monk: You lived in Florida?
Wendy: Yes, I grew up in Tampa.
Benjy: What does it feel like to be blind?
Wendy: Well, first I was always scared. Then when I turned 20. I decided that I wasn’t gonna be scared no more. I accepted it. Now I feel I can do anything I want.
Sharona: Well, I think we’ve taken up enough of your time, Mrs. Mass. Thank you so much.

Sharona Fleming gets up. Wendy Mass also gets up. Benjy shakes Wendy’s hand.

Benjy: Thank you, Miss Mass.
Wendy: Thank you, Benjy. Good luck on your report.
Benjy: Okay, thanks.
Wendy: Sharona.
Sharona: Thank you.

Wendy Mass and Sharona Fleming shake hands.

Sharona: Thank you so much.
Wendy: Mr. Monk.

Adrian Monk signals to Sharona to shake Wendy’s hand for him. Sharona refuses. Adrian Monk shakes Wendy’s hand.

Mr. Monk: Thank—thank you very much.
Wendy: All right.
Sharona: Thank you.
Wendy: All right. Good day.

They step out of Wendy Mass’ house. Sharona Fleming calls Justin.

Sharona: Um, Justin? Hi. It’s me, Sharona. Just give me a call whenever you can. Okay, bye.

Adrian Monk sees an officer put a ticket on a car.

Mr. Monk: Benjy, Benjy I need your notebook and your knapsack.
Benjy: Okay.

Adrian Monk takes the backpack and holds the notebook on his right hand. He goes over to the traffic officer.

Mr. Monk: Hello. I—I just wanna say thank you for the great job you’re doing.

Adrian Monk shakes the officer’s hand.

Sharona: What are you doing?
Mr. Monk: We just solved the case. I need a wipe.

The streaker is in a prison cell.

Officer: Lady Godiva, it’s your lucky day. Somebody made your bail. Lucky.

The officer lets the streaker out of the cell.

Adrian Monk, Leland Stottlemeyer, Randy Disher and Sharona Fleming hide in the bushes. They watch Wendy Mass walk in the park.

Captain Stottlemeyer: What’s she doing here?
Mr. Monk: I—I asked her to meet me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, do you mind telling me why?
Mr. Monk: You’ll see. Just wait.

Wendy Mass sits on the steps. The streaker is jogging towards Wendy Mass.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Sone of a bitch. He’s back. Lieutenant, call the 23rd. Get a black and white down here ASAP.
Mr. Monk: Captain, not so fast.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What are you talking about?
Mr. Monk: I bailed him out last night, and I hired him.
Lt. Disher: You hired the streaker? To do what?

They watch as the streaker passes by Wendy Mass and she turns around to look at him.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Sone of a bitch.

Wendy Mass continues to watch the streaker as he runs away. She chuckles.

Captain Stottlemeyer: She can see.
Lt. Disher: She can see?
Mr. Monk: She can see.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Son of a bitch.

The streaker runs up to the bushes.

Streaker: Sh—Sharona!

Sharona Fleming gasps.

Sharona: Justin?
Justin: What are you doing here?
Lt. Disher: Friend of yours?
Justin: We’re still on for Saturday, right?

Leland Stottlemeyer is at his office talking to Wendy Mass.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, Mrs. Mass, when did you get your vision back?
Wendy: A year ago.
Mr. Monk: It was your accident at the supermarket.
Wendy: When I woke up, I had regained sight in my left eye. That’s how it happens sometimes—after a blow to the head. It was a miracle.
Sharona: But you didn’t tell anybody?
Mr. Monk: No, you kept it a secret. If people believed you were blind, you could kill Sonny Cross and nobody would ever suspect you.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Why would you wanna kill Sonny Cross?
Mr. Monk: Revenge. He was driving the car that killed your parents and left you blind in Tampa 36 years ago.

Flashback: Wendy Mass walks to the radio station’s entrance.

Mr. Monk: You knew he toured a lot. You waited for him to come through San Francisco, and eventually he did.

Flashback: Wendy Mass puts a sign on the door.

Mr. Monk: They announced on the radio that Willie Nelson and his tour manager would be stopping by the station. So you got there early and put a note on the door. Then you waited.

Flashback: Wendy Mass hides in the back alley, while Sonny Cross approaches.

Mr. Monk: Before you killed him, did you tell him who you were?
Wendy: Yes.

Flashback: Wendy Mass points the gun at Sonny Cross.

Wendy: You killed my parents. This one is for them.

Flashback: Wendy shoots Sonny Cross. Sonny groans in pain. He runs away. Wendy shoots him again.

Mr. Monk: And you made sure that the second shot was from 20 feet away. A crime no blind woman could have committed, but then Willie Nelson showed up in that alley. You didn’t count on that.

Flashback: Willie Nelson runs up to Sonny Cross who is lying on the ground.

Mr. Monk: You couldn’t just leave the scene so.

Flashback: Wendy Mass calls for help.

Wendy: Help! Help, somebody!
Mr. Monk: You had to pretend to be a witness—
Wendy: Jason Cross served a year and a half. Vehicular manslaughter. That wasn’t justice. What I did last week, that was justice. How did you know?
Mr. Monk: I knew that Cross had been arrested in Tampa. When you mentioned that you’d grown up there, it seemed like a remarkable coincidence, but I didn’t put it together until I remembered something you had done last week when you met Captain Stottlemeyer.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Me?
Mr. Monk: When you came in with your right arm in a sling.

Flashback: An officer shakes Leland Stottlemeyer’s left hand.

Mr. Monk: Everyone in the room naturally extended their left hand to shake, including Mrs. Mass.

Flashback: Wendy Mass shakes Leland Stottlemeyer’s left hand with her left hand.

Mr. Monk: This was before anyone mentioned you had hurt your arm. So, how could she have known that you offered your left hand?

Wendy Mass chuckles. She stands up and approaches Adrian Monk to shake his hand.

Wendy: Thank you, Mr. Monk.
Lt. Disher: You’re thanking him?
Wendy: I am so relieved. It was tearing me up inside that that poor man was taking all the blame.
Sharona: You’re gonna have to go to prison.
Wendy: I understand.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Maybe I can talk to the D.A. about extenuating circumstances.
Wendy: There’s only one thing that I want.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What’s that?
Wendy: A window.

Adrian Monk and Willie Nelson is by Trudy’s grave. Willie sings “In the twilight glow I see her. Blue eyes cryin’ in the rain. And when we kissed good-bye and parted. I knew we’d never meet again.” Adrian Monk plays his clarinet. Willie continues to sing “Love is like a dying ember. And only memories remain. Through the ages, I’ll remember. Blue eyes cryin’ in the rain. Someday we’ll meet. We’ll stroll hand-in-hand again. In a land that knows no parting. Blue-eyes cryin’ in the rain.”

This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Mr. Monk and the Red-Headed Stranger” episode was written by Andy Breckman & Tom Scharpling. Monk is owned by Universal Media Studios in association with Mandeville Films and Touchstone Television.

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