Sunday, March 2, 2008

Mr. Monk and the Earthquake – Monk Transcript 1.10

Adrian Monk bathes in mineral waterA woman is in a large dining room listening to rock music while sipping her coffee when her husband arrives.

Henry: Oh, you’re awake.
Christine: Not quite.

Henry pours himself some coffee.  Continue reading...

Henry: Do you have your, um, art class today?
Christine: Mm-hmm. Life in the fast lane.

Henry stares at his wife.

Christine: What?
Henry: I’m just adoring you. Isn’t a husband allowed to stop and adore his wife? How did I get to be so lucky.
Christine: We both got lucky, Henry.

Henry turns down the music.

Christine: I was listening to that.
Henry: I’m just turning it down. You don’t mind.

Christine looks annoyed.

Henry: I have to go to the office for a couple of hours.
Christine: Of course.
Henry: Oh, and, uh, don’t forget we’re having dinner with Father Hatcher.
Christine: Again?

Henry leaves the dining room. Christine turns up the volume. The chandelier starts shaking, then the table and so does the whole house. She gets up and panics. She yells. Henry returns.

Henry: Oh—Honey, not there, over here.

Henry pulls her wife to safety. They stand under a door jam as the earthquake intensifies. Christine screams. A few minutes later, the earthquake stops.

Henry: I thought that could have been the big one. Why don’t you turn on the news, see how bad it was. I’ll check the house.

Henry inspects the other parts of the house, while Christine turns her attention at a bust that’s lying on the floor.

Henry: Look, there’s a crack over here. Do you see it?

Henry points at the crack. Christine sneaks up on him carrying the bust of the statue.

Henry: It runs all the way across here, and it’s gonna—

Christine prepares to smash the bust on him.

Henry: Christine, what are you—No! No!

Christine slams the bust on Henry’s head. He falls. Blood creeps down his face. She then takes a poker and uses it to help her push the large, heavy armoire. The armoire falls on top of Henry.

Christine: Well, Henry—

Christine chuckles.

Christine: That was a big one.

Sharona is outside talking on her cell phone. Sirens and alarms are blaring.

Sharona: Oh, thank God! Thank God! No, no, no. Stay at Kenny’s, Benjy! Stay there! I just got to check out Mr. Monk.

Sharona Fleming knocks on Adrian Monk’s door.

Sharona: Adrian! Ad—

Adrian opens the door carrying one of Trudy’s picture frames.

Sharona: You okay?

Adrian stuffs an apple in his mouth.

Mr. Monk: Mm.
Sharona: I’ve been trying to call you for over an hour. Your phone is dead.

Adrian Monk gives a muffled answer.

Sharona: Are you sure you’re okay?

Sharona Fleming sees the disordered living room.

Shraona: Oh, my God.

Adrian Monk gives another muffled, indistinct answer. He then mumbles something.

Sharona: What? Benjy? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He’s okay. He was at school when it happened and he loved it. He thought it was like a roller coaster, I—

Adrian Monk sits on a chair.

Sharona: Adrian, I have to tell you I’m very impressed. I mean, I thought you’d be a basket case. Everything’s broken.

Adrian Monk reads a book.

Sharona: Where were you when it happened?

Adrian Monk talks gibberish.

Sharona: What?

Adrian Monk repeats what he said.

Sharona: Are you okay?

Adrian Monk is now annoyed. He stands up and repeats what he said.

Sharona: Adrian, you’re not speaking English. You know that, right?

Monk talks gibberish. He chuckles then continues speaking in a foreign language.
Dr. Kroger is on the phone with Sharona Fleming.

Dr. Kroger: Yeah, yeah, Sharona, relax. He’s having a dissociative episode.
Sharona: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait. Dissociative?
Dr. Kroger: Yeah. The—the trauma of the earthquake probably shorted out the occipital lobe in the left hemisphere of his brain, which controls the ability to speak to form words.
Sharona: Well, what should I do?
Dr. Kroger: Look, he thinks he’s speaking normally. He’s more confused than you are.

Adrian Monk still holding Trudy’s picture speaks gibberish.

Dr. Kroger: Right. Okay, well, now—I—I can see him, uh, tomorrow at 4:00 if you like, but I gotta tell ya I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s fine by then. You know, I mean, these things usually pass on their own. The most important thing—just don’t leave him alone.
Sharona: Okay.

Adrian Monk speaks gibberish and signals for the phone. Sharona Fleming turns to him.

Sharona: Wait—will you wait?

She then resumes her phone conversation with Dr. Kroger.

Sharona: Okay, hold on. Hold on. He—he wants to speak to you.

Sharona Fleming hands the phone to Adrian Monk. He talks gibberish to Dr. Kroger.

Dr. Kroger: You’re talking gibberish. Adrian, I can’t understand a word you’re saying.

Monk continues to talk gibberish.

Dr. Kroger: Right. Good. Okay, so put Sharona on the phone, okay?

Sharona Fleming is watching the news when a picture of Henry Rutherford is displayed.

Woman Reporter: Including well-known philanthropist Henry Rutherford, who’s best known for his Rutherford Scholarships, which enabled hundreds of inner city children from across the country—
Sharona: Oh my God!

Monk turns to Sharona and asks her in gibberish the matter. Still in gibberish, he tells Dr. Kroger to hold.

Dr. Kroger: Okay.
Sharona: Henry Rutherford. I told you about him. I’ve been working with him the whole month.

Sharona Fleming is now teary-eyed and her voice breaks.

Sharona: He was a deacon at my church. He—he was trying to make money for the new church. Oh, my God, I know his wife. She’s gonna be devastated.

Sharona Fleming sighs then picks up her purse. Monk speaks gibberish.

Sharona: They live two blocks away. She just moved here. She doesn’t know anybody. I’m gonna see if they need my help, okay? Just stay here.

Adrian Monk sounds like he is saying that it is okay if Sharona Fleming leaves.

Sharona: You know what? On second thought, you better come with me. Come on!

Adrian Monk talks to Dr. Kroger on the phone, but still in gibberish.

Sharona: Doctor Kroger? We’ll call you back.

Dr. Kroger mutters.

Dr. Kroger: Fine.

Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming are at the Rutherford’s house. Adrian monk inspects the house.

Christine: And he had a brother in London. They weren’t close, but somebody should call him.
Fr. Hatcher: Don’t worry, Christine. I’ll take care of it.
Christine: Thank you, Father. I don’t know what I’d do without you and Sharona. It was terrible. The whole room started to shake and Henry made sure I was safe in the doorway.
Fr. Hatcher: Now you mustn’t torture yourself.
Christine: The wall unit started to come tipping over, and Henry was trying to keep it from falling. I saw it come crashing down. I called for help, but there was nobody else in the house.
Sharona: Okay, here you go.
Christine: Oh, I—I couldn’t.
Sharona: No, no, Christine. You have to have something.
Fr. Hatcher: She’s right, Christine. You must stay strong.
Sharona: You know. I could stay here tonight.
Christine: Thank you. That’s very sweet, but I called my mother in Chicago. She’ll be here later tonight.
Sharona: Oh, that—that’s good. Hm. Mothers are great to talk to. Well, you know, except for mine.

Sharona Fleming chuckles. Adrian Monk talks to Sharona in gibberish. They all turn their attention to Adrian Monk.

Sharona: Oh, um, this is my boss, Adrian Monk.

Adrian Monk sounds like as if he’s trying to say his condolences to Christine Rutherford.

Sharona: Um, Adrian, why don’t you wait in the other room?

Monk starts putting the fallen fruits on in the fruit bowl.

Sharona: Adrian, go in the other room.

Adrian Monk leaves. Fr. Hatcher turns to Sharona Fleming.

Sharona: Neptune.

Sharona chuckles.

Fr. Hatcher: You know that everybody from the church is here for you in your time of need.

Adrian Monk looks at two paintings hanging on the wall. He looks as though something is bothering him. He mumbles something in gibberish. He sees a smudge on the wall that looks out of place. He then turns his attention to the fallen armoire. He wipes the back of the armoire, but it is clean and free of dust or anything that could’ve made the smudge. Sharona Fleming enters the room where he’s at. He talks to her in gibberish.

Sharona: Oh, she’ll be all right. It’s—what are you doing?

Adrian Monk explains in gibberish. He continues for a little while talking in gibberish then…

Mr. Monk: Not right about this room.
Sharona: Adrian! You can talk.

Adrian Monk chuckles.

Mr. Monk: Of course I can talk. What is wrong with you?
Sharona: Nothing is wrong with me.

The police station is very busy. Leland Stottlemeyer is on the phone and Adrian Monk waits for him looking impatient.

Captain Stottlemeyer: There is no third watch. I want everybody on active duty to report to their watch commanders, got it.

Leland Stottlemeyer hangs up the phone then turns to Adrian Monk.

Captain Stottlemeyer: All right.
Mr. Monk: You follow me?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes. Christine Rutherford sat around waiting for an earthquake?
Mr. Monk: No, no, no, no. She sat around waiting for her rich, old husband to die, and when the earthquake hit—you see? Captain, when the earthquake hit, she realized it was her chance, a one-in-a-million shot—and she took it.
Officer: Captain, we have reports of some looting in Portrero Hill.
Captain Stottlemeyer: All right, get 10 uniforms down there. I want a man on every corner. Go. Go.
Mr. Monk: There was ceiling debris all over the floor but none on the back of a fallen display case.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Mm-hmm?
Mr. Monk: And there were marks on the wall like somebody used a lever to knock that case over.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Really?
Lt. Disher: Captain! Captain, Cargill.

Lt. Disher who is fixing the fire sprinkler hands the walkie-talkie to Leland Stottlemeyer.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah?
Man on Radio: Those calls are false alarms.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don’t care if they’re all false alarms. You’ve got to check ‘em out. Every one.
Man on Radio: Yes, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, Monk, there was an earthquake. That’s what earthquakes do. They knock crap over.
Mr. Monk: Yeah, b—but, but there were other pictures on the same wall and none of them—none of them were even crooked.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I’m trying to put out a hundred fires here, Monk.
Mr. Monk: I—I realize that.

Leland Stottlemeyer goes over to the police desk where a number of angry people are waiting. He turns to an officer..

Captain Stottlemeyer: Where’s the guy from Emergency Services? Look out. Look out.

Leland Stottlemeyer confronts the angry mob.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, somebody will be with you soon enough. Please, everybody just sit down. Calm down.
Mr. Monk: She could be there—she could be there right now cleaning up all the evidence. At least send a couple of detectives to look around.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I haven’t got a detective. I haven’t got a moment to spare. Monk, the shaking you felt this morning was a 6.0 earthquake.
Mr. Monk: But at least send me over to check it out.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Where’s Sharona?
Mr. Monk: She went to pick up her kid.
Captain Stottlemeyer: All right.

Leland Stottlemeyer turns to Randy Disher who is still fixing the leaking sprinkler.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh, Lieutenant? I’m officially handing Monk off to you. I want you to give him anything he needs. And quit screwing around and get back to work.

Randy Disher looks at Leland Stottlemeyer and the sprinkler starts spraying water all over the police station.
Sharona Fleming and Benjy go over to their house, but their street is blocked off.

Officer: Sorry, the street’s closed.
Sharona: What’s going on?
Officer: The gas line’s ruptured, and all the phone lines are down. These two blocks were the worst ones hit.
Sharona: Oh, God. Look, we just live over there.
Officer: Not today you don’t. Call Emergency Services. Here’s their number.

The officer hands Sharona Fleming a business card.

Sharona: How long is this gonna be?
Officer: Oh, maybe a couple of days.
Sharona: A couple of days?
Officer: Maybe three. Just call that number, ma’am. I just work here.

A reporter behind them calls for the officer.

Man Reporter: Officer, I’m with the Melbourne Gazette. Can I get in and get a couple of shots?
Officer: I’m sorry. No one can get through.
Sharona: Look. Can we just go in and get some stuff? I mean, what if he needs some medicine or something?
Officer: Ma’am, you have to call that number. Okay? That’s all I know. Now please, step back.

Sharona Fleming and Benjy turn around. The reporter talks to them.

Man Reporter: There’s a delightful chap. He reminds me of my ex-wife.
Sharona: Yeah, he reminds me of my ex-husband. Maybe we should get ‘em together.

The reporter raises his camera and takes a picture.

Benjy: Mom, what are we gonna do?
Sharona: I don’t know. I don’t know. I guess we’re gonna have to find a hotel.
Man Reporter: Good luck. I’ve been calling all morning. There’s nary a room left in the whole city.
Sharona: “Nary a room”?
Man Reporter: That’s what I said.
Sharona: Well, we can always stay at Aunt Gail’s.
Benjy: Why can’t we stay at Mr. Monk’s?
Sharona: Because I will go crazy slower at Aunt Gail’s.
Man Reporter: Do you think your Aunt Gail has an extra room for an out-of-town journalist? I’m Darryl Wright.

Darryl Wright extends his hand.

Sharona: Oh, I’m Sharona.

Sharona Fleming shakes Darryl’s hand.

Sharona: Yeah, I’m sorry. My sister has no room.
Darryl: Is this your boyfriend?
Sharona: No. This is, uh, my son, Benjy.
Benjy: You thought I was her boyfriend?

Sharona Fleming laughs.

Sharona: He’s joking.
Darryl: Listen, my editor just called. He wants me to do a story on the quake. What do you say to you and Benjy here? A bit of local color.
Sharona: Oh, yeah. We’d love to.
Darryl: Great. Start with a picture?
Sharona: Okay.

Darryl is at a hotel room with Christine Rutherford.

Darryl: Do you believe in love at first sight?
Woman on TV: They loaded thousands of dollars’ worth of computer and audio equipment into a waiting car—
Darryl: Personally, I never did.
Christine: And then you got a look at my husband’s bank account—

Darryl sits on the bed where Christine Rutherford lies.

Darryl: And zing went the strings of my heart.

Darryl turns off the TV. He passionately kisses Christine.

Christine: There we were, just waiting for the right opportunity, and God dropped it right on our laps.
Darryl: The bloody miracle.
Christine: $42.5 million.
Darryl: Say it again.

Darryl White kisses Christine Rutherford.

Christine: Forty-two—

Christine laughs.

Christine: Point five million dollars.
Darryl: Oh, I love it when you talk dirty. Just one more loose end to tie up, and it’s all ours.
Christine: Sharona.
Darryl: Sharona.
Christine: She’s pretty.
Darryl: Didn’t notice.
Christine: Are you sure she trusts you?
Darryl: Oh, God. Why wouldn’t she trust me?

Sharona Fleming rings the doorbell. Her sister opens the door.

Gail: Sharona.

Her sister turns to Benjy.

Gail: Hey, butter bean!
Benjy: Hi.
Sharona: Gail, I am so sorry. I didn’t know who else to call.
Gail: Hey, no problem. That’s what I’m here for. It’s gonna be fun. I just talked to Mom. She’s freakin’ out. She heard some guy on CNN talk about aftershocks. I could not get her off the phone.
Sharona: You should get caller I.D.
Gail: I have caller I.D. I had it before you.
Sharona: No, you didn’t.
Gail: I told you about caller I.D.
Sharona: What?! I had caller I.D. when I lived in Valencia. Remember, you came over and I showed you how it worked?
Gail: I had caller I.D. when I was living with Lenny in Seattle.
Sharona: Okay, you never told me that.
Gail: I know, I was avoiding your calls. I had caller I.D.
Benjy: Mom. Aunt Gail. Can we go inside please?

Gail lets Benjy inside, but blocks Sharona’s way.

Sharona: Gail, remember when I went out to visit Mom when she broke her wrist?
Gail: Yeah.
Sharona: And you remember you said that you owe me big time?
Gail: Mm—
Sharona: Remember?

Sharona Fleming looks across the street. Adrian Monk carrying two luggages peeps out of a lamppost.

Gail: Oh, no.
Sharona: I swear. I swear. He’s gonna be good. Come on! Come on.

Sharona signals for Adrian Monk to come over. Gail groans.

Sharona: You know, he’s not as bad as he was. He’s just freaked out about this earthquake. I can’t leave him alone.
Gail: I guess he can sleep on the couch.
Sharona: Well, actually he’s gonna need the guest room. He doesn’t sleep on couches.
Gail: Right.
Sharona: Gail, I spent two weeks with Mom.
Gail: Now, we’re even.
Sharona: It’s going to be okay, Adrian.
Mr. Monk: Hi, Gail. Listen, don’t worry about Sharona. She won’t get in the way.

Adrian Monk enters the house.

Gail: Even.

Gail pushes Sharona inside the house. Adrian Monk is on the phone.

Mr. Monk: Yes, thank you. I’ll hold.
Sharona: I like those earrings.
Gail: You ought to. You gave them to me.
Sharona: Oh, I forgot.
Mr. Monk: 1219, 1220, 12—
Sharona: So, um, are you still seeing that actor?
Gail: Hal Myers? Yeah, in my nightmares. You know, even in my nightmares he can’t act.
Sharona: I liked him.
Gail: Maybe I’m getting too picky in my old age. How about you? Are you in love with anybody?
Sharona: Well, actually, I met somebody this morning. He’s a journalist.
Gail: Really.
Sharona: Yeah, from Australia.
Gail: Ooh. Compete with accent?
Sharona: Oh, yeah, the full package. He’s to die for.
Gail: Ooh, bring him by. I’d love to meet him.

Benjy who is reading a comic book looks annoyed.

Sharona: I’m sure you would.

Sharona pretends to laugh.

Mr. Monk: 1,238. 1,23—
Gail: What is he doing?
Sharona: He’s counting the bricks in the wall.
Gail: Oh, good. You know. I’ve always been curious about that.

Gail turns to Sharona and gestures with her hand that Adrian Monk is cuckoo.

Mr. Monk: 1,234, 1,244—
Sharona: Adrian, don’t tie up Gail’s line.
Mr. Monk: I’m on hold. I’m waiting for Disher.

Adrian Monk resumes counting bricks, while waiting for Randy Disher to answer the phone.

Mr. Monk: Twelve-hundred—twelve—Oh, crap!

Adrian Monk walks over to the other side of the house.

Mr. Monk: One, two, three—
Sharona: Oy!

Sharona Fleming picks up her purse.

Gail: Is that new?
Sharona: I got it a couple of weeks ago. My other was too big.
Gail: Check it out!

Gail pulls out her purse that is exactly the same as Sharona’s.

Sharona: When did you get that?
Gail: Two months ago. Like you didn’t know!
Sharona: What? Y—you think I’d buy the same handbag on purpose? Now why would I do that?

Benjy stops reading his comic book and looks at his mom and aunt. He looks irritated with them.

Sharona: What? You think I wanna—I want to be like you? Like I’m obsessed with you?
Gail: Who moved to San Francisco first?
Sharona: Oh, my God! You begged me to move up here!
Benjy: Hey! Do I have to separate you two?
Mr. Monk: Yeah. It’s—Lieutenant, yes, I’m here, I’m still here.

Gail puts on headphones and listens to rock music.

Sharona: Yes, I need her phone records.
Mr. Monk: Every call from that house and her cell phone for the last two weeks. Right. Right. And what about the background check? Really? Really?

Darryl Wright is on the phone waiting for somebody to answer the other end of the line.

Gail: Hello?
Darryl: Sharona.
Gail: Uh, no. This is her, uh, younger sister, Gail.
Darryl: Really? Hmm. You two sound so much alike. Do you look alike?
Gail: No, I’m the sexy one.
Darryl: Really? Mm-hmm.
Gail: Hey, are you the Australian guy she met on the street?

Gail takes a scoop from her bowl.

Darryl: Yeah, that would be me, unless she met somebody else. What are you eating?

Gail puts a spoonful in her mouth.

Gail: Rice cakes. God, I hate this diet.
Darryl: Being the sexy sister is a hard yacker.
Gail: That’s a full-time job.
Darryl: Listen, is Sharona there?
Gail: You just missed her. She and her boss had some business at St. Claire’s church.
Darryl: St. Claire’s?
Gail: Yeah, you know, the one on Fulton Street.

Christine in mourning clothes enters St. Claire’s church. The church is being fixed due to damages incurred from the earthquake. Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming watch as she walks down the aisle, genuflects then makes her way to the candles..

Mr. Monk: That’s quite a performance.
Sharona: Look, you don’t know her. She and her husband practically saved this church.

Chrisine is lighting a candle.

Sharona: They’re like saints.
Mr. Monk: Your saint didn’t pay for her candle.

Adrian Monk approaches Christine.

Mr. Monk: Mrs. Rutherford—
Christine: Mr. Monk. Sharona. Would you light a candle for my husband?
Sharona: I’d love to.

Sharona Fleming makes he way to the candles.

Mr. Monk: Which husband? I understand, Henry was your third.
Christine: Excuse me.

Christine Rutherford walks away.

Mr. Monk: Mrs. Rutherford, in 1997, you and your second husband were indicted for mail fraud in Nevada.
Christine: Indictment’s not a conviction, Mr. Monk.
Mr. Monk: A stirring defense, but Henry didn’t you know about your other marriages, did he?
Christine: Of course he did.
Mr. Monk: I saw the photographs in your house, ma’am.
Worker: Watch your step, ma’am.
Christine: Mm-hmm?
Mr. Monk: You were married at the Sacred Cross Chapel in Chicago. Henry was a deacon there, and even if he wanted to, he couldn’t have knowingly married a divorcee.
Christine: Okay. You got me. I kept a secret from my husband.

Christine Rutherford makes her way out. She bumps into Darryl Wright who is on his way in.

Darryl: Oh—Beg your pardon.

Christine leaves.

Darryl: Sharona.

Sharona Fleming looks excited.

Sharona: What are you doin’ here?
Darryl:I called the number you gave me. Your sister told me where you were, and I was a couple blocks away, so—as you do.
Sharona: Well, it—it—it’s great to see you. Yeah.
Darryl: And you too.
Sharona: Um, oh, I’m sorry. Um. Darryl Wright, this is my boss, Adrian Monk.
Darryl: How do you do?

Darryl extends his hand. Adrian Monk shakes Darryl’s hand. Soon, he starts wiping it.

Sharona: Uh, Darryl is a journalist from Australia. He’s doing a story about the earthquake.
Darryl: Uh, speaking of the earthquake, are you back in your apartment yet?
Sharona: Uh, no. Not yet. They said maybe Monday.
Darryl: Monday. Right. So, uh, who was the—who was the widow?
Sharona: Christine Rutherford.
Darryl: Now, why does that name ring a bell?
Mr. Monk: Her husband was worth about forty million dollars. And I think she killed him. Excuse me.

Adrian Monk leaves. Sharona Fleming chuckles.

Sharona: He’s a former detective and, you know, he gets a little paranoid, so—

Darryl laughs.

Darryl: Well, it sounds like a much more interesting story than this earthquake I’m doing.
Sharona: Yeah, it is.
Darryl: You can tell me all about it over dinner.
Sharona: We’re having dinner?
Darryl: Your sister invited me.

Sharona’s face turns sour.

Sharona: Gail?
Darryl: Yeah, is there a problem?
Sharona: Oh, no. No. It’s—that’s great!

Sharona fakes a laugh.

Sharona: It’s fine. Yeah.

Later that night, they all are in Gail’s house having dinner.

Darryl: Four months in the outback, 110 degrees in the shade if you could find it, sleeping on the ground.
Benjy: That must have been tough. What would you eat though?
Darryl: We ate grubs, bugs, snakes. Danger, danger danger! Anyway, we finally got back.

Adrian Monk fusses with his food.

Darryl: I got my messages. It’s my editor. He’s telling me he’s changed his mind. He doesn’t want me to go.
Sharona: You know. Darryl was nominated for a Pulitzer.
Mr. Monk: Really?
Darryl: It was a story I wrote awhile back for the Sydney Morning Herald.
Gail: Ooh, do you have a copy of it?
Darryl: No.
Mr. Monk: What was it about?
Darryl: It was about a bridge collapse. Five people died.
Sharona: Oh, my God.
Darryl: Yeah. Five people from all walks of life. It was a wealthy old woman, an orphan, a maid. I wrote about each of them, who they were, how they touched different people in their lives.
Gail: Oh, I’d love to read it. You gotta send me a copy. You can’t forget.
Darryl: I won’t.
Benjy: This is fun. I wish there was an earthquake every week.
Gail: Don’t say that, sugar beet. The earthquake killed three people.
Benjy: No, it didn’t. Not according to Mr. Monk. He thinks one of them was a murder.
Darryl: Yes, I’ve been meaning to ask you about that. How is the investigation going?
Mr. Monk: Well, so far, just a hunch.
Benjy: Hey, can we play a game after?

Later, all except Adrian Monk play a game of charades. Sharona Fleming pretends that she’s signing.

Gail: Uh, it’s a song!
Darryl: Song.

Sharona puts her arms forward.

Gail: Uh, stop. Bus stop!
Darryl: Stop wat you’re—Stop—
Gail: Bus stop!

Sharona puts her hands on her chest.

Darryl: “Stop in the Name of Love”!

Everybody cheers.

Gail: How did you know that? I want you on my team!

Gail sits beside Darryl and puts her arm around him.

Sharona: I’m gonna sit over here.

Adrian Monk wiping a plate interrupts the game.

Mr. Monk: Excuse me. Uh, wh-where does this go?
Gail: Above the sink with all the others.
Mr. Monk: Wel, this one—all the others are square. Should I just throw it away?
Sharona: No, no. Just put it down. I’ll take care of it later. Why don’t you join us?

Adrian Monk puts down the plate.

Darryl: Yeah. We’re playing charades. It’s fun.
Gail: Yeah, it’ll be fun.
Mr. Monk: It’s a game.
Sharona: That’s right. It’s a game.

Adrian Monk sits between Sharona and Benjy.

Darryl: Benjy, it’s my turn. You take it.
Benjy: Okay.

Benjy gets off the couch.

Darryl: Off you go. A fast game is a good game.
Benjy: Um—

Benjy acts like he is looking through a video camera.

Sharona: Movie! It’s a movie!
Mr. Monk: Spider-Man.

All are shocked. Benjy looks glum.

Benjy: He’s right.
Mr. Monk: Well, he’s seen—he’s seen the movie 20 times, and he was just reading the comic, so I figured—

Disappointed Benjy returns to his seat.

Sharona: He’s 11 years old. Let him have fun.
Gail: Okay, I got one!

Gail gets off the couch and makes her way to the front of them. She clears her throat. She acts as though she’s looking through a video camera.

Sharona: It’s a movie.
Darryl: Movie.

Gail shows her six fingers.

Sharona: Uh, six--
Darryl: Six words.
Mr. Monk: The Man Who Came to Dinner.
Gail: How did you know that?
Mr. Monk: It’s a movie about a houseguest who wouldn’t leave. Six words. You were looking at me.
Sharona: Okay, Darryl, why won’t you go next?
Darryl: All right, I got one.
Sharona: Okay. Now, instead of playing charades, we’re playing “Let’s Stump Monk”.

Sharona turns to Monk then laughs.

Gail: Let’s stump Monk.

Darryl acts like he’s reading a book.

Gail: A bible book?
Benjy: It’s a book. Right?

Darryl points at Benjy and nods.

Mr. Monk: The Bridge at San Luis Rey.
Gail: Is he right?
Sharona: Of course he’s right. You know, why don’t we watch TV?
Benjy: Uh, you said I’m not allowed to watch TV.
Sharona: Well, I changed my mind. Turn it on.
Benjy: All right.

Sharona hands the remote to Benjy. He turns on the TV.

Man on TV: A necessary adjunct to the recording of all—

Later, Adrian Monk is wiping the kitchen cabinet.

Sharona: How’d you know the name of the book?
Mr. Monk: The little story he told at dinner about the bridge collapsing. It was a novel from the ‘20s called The Bridge at San Luis Rey.

Sharona Fleming picks up a tray of drinks.

Sharona: Don’t do this. Every time I like somebody, you ruin it.

Sharona returns to the living room.

Man on TV: In the airless atmosphere of outer space.

Darryl and Gail cozily sit beside each other.

Man on TV: And the nation first to conquer space controls the world. Leaving only the most valuable of all secret scientific achievements.

Sharona puts the tray on top of the side table.

Man on TV: Space conquering giants that man can control.

Sharona squeezes herself beside Darryl. The three sit uncomfortably beside each other.

Sharona: Um, I wasn’t sure how you took it?
Darryl: Light and sweet.
Sharona: Oh.
Darryl: Thanks.

Darryl’s cell phone rings.

Darryl: Oh. Excuse me. Hello?
Christine: I thought you were going to call me.
Darryl: Yeah, I know. I know. It’s my editor.
Sharona: Oh.
Christine: Did you get into her place yet?
Darryl: I’m working on it. I am aware of the deadline, and I know it’s important.
Christine: You said you’d have it by tonight.
Darryl: Listen, mate, the sooner. I’m off this phone, the quicker I can get back to work. Correct. Bye-bye.

Sharona Fleming hands Darryl his coffee.

Sharona: Here you go.
Darryl: Ah. You are an angel.
Sharona: Thank you.

Gail is annoyed. She moves a few inches away from Darryl. Sharona returns to the kitchen.

Mr. Monk: And there’s no way he could have been nominated for a Pulitzer.
Sharona: Maybe he’s a good writer.

Sharona goes over to the refrigerator.

Mr. Monk: It’s not that. The Pulitzer is only for American journalism. He said that story was published in Australia.
Sharona: So what? Maybe he’s trying to impress me. Maybe he likes me.

Sharona sighs.

Sharona: God, you’re scaring him away. Gail’s trying to seduce him, and I’m stuck in the middle as usual.

Back in the living room, they watch a black and white show.

TV Announcer: Tobor, bringing you chills you’ve never known before. Tobor, the most human outer space man—
Darryl: Gail, where’s the bathroom?
Gail: Uh, first door on the left.
TV Announcer: Be sure to see, Tobor.

While Gail is not looking, Darryl steals a set of keys from a purse.

Mr. Monk: All I’m saying is there’s something about that guy. Be careful.
Sharona: No, no. You be careful. I am sick and tired of being careful.

Darryl arrives at Sharona’s street, but it is blocked off due to damages from the earthquake. Moreover, a police car is right in front of it. He goes to the back door. He tries to open the door with the key he stole, but it does not fit.

Darryl: Son of a bitch!

Darryl slams his shoulder at the door in attempt to open it. A construction worker sees him.

Worker: Excuse me. Uh, this building is off limits.
Darryl: Yeah. Yeah, I know. I’m, uh—I’m with the phone company.
Worker: I was told we had this block to ourselves. You have a work order?
Darryl: Yeah. Yeah, sure. Sure I do. It’s, uh—you know what? I must have left it in my truck.
Worker: I didn’t see any truck. Look, wait right here. I gotta call this in.

The construction worker pulls out his phone and begins to dial. Darryl takes a screwdriver from a toolbox nearby. He stabs him on his chest and puts his hand on the man’s mouth to silence him. The man dies instantly and falls on the ground.

Darryl: No, my friend. I can’t let you do that.

The next day, the police find the construction worker’s body by a dumpster.

Captain Stottlemeyer: You got a name?
Lt. Disher: Yep. David Bushner. Age 44. He was a gas company tech. Stabbed, one in the chest. He went missing late last night. Phone company crew just found him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Where is his truck?
Lt. Disher: It’s, uh, parked up on Downey where he left it. We don’t know if this is the murder scene or if he was dumped here.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, he was killed somewhere else.
Lt. Disher: Are you sure?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, the body’s on an incline, head down. Look at the blod stain on his chest. Blood doesn’t flow uphill. At least not in my experience. When was the last time he was seen upright?
Lt. Disher: Uh, according to his log, the last gas line he inspected was, uh, 304 Downey Road, 10:00 last night.
Captain Stottlemeyer: 304 Downey? That’s two doors down from Sharona’s.

Benjy turns on the faucet and rusty water comes out.

Benjy: The water’s all rusty.
Gail: Oh, it gets like that after every earthquake, but I always keep some mineral water on hand just for emergencies.

Gail opens a kitchen cabinet, but it is empty.

Gail: Hmm. Where’s all my water?

Gail knocks on the bathroom door.

Gail: Mr. Monk? Mr. Monk, are you in there?

Adrian Monk is in the bathtub. Empty mineral water bottles neatly cover the floor.

Mr. Monk: Uh, the tap water was a little rusty.
Gail: Well, enjoy it because that bath is costing me $95.
Mr. Monk: Okay, thank you.

Sharona Flmeing is out having drinks with Darryl.

Sharona: He can tell what you’re thinking just by how you’re sitting in your chair.
Darryl: Wow!
Sharona: Mm-hmm.
Darryl: I should write about him.
Sharona: You should. Nobody would believe it.

Sharona laughs.

Sharona: You’d have to put it in the science fiction section.

Sharona Fleming takes a sip of her cocktail. Darryl signals to the waiter.

Darryl: So—

Sharona finishes her drink and eats the olive that came with it.

Darryl: What about you?

Randy Disher rings the doorbell of Gail’s house. Gail opens the door. She fixes her hair immediately after seeing that Randy Disher.

Gail: Oh, hi. Can I, um—can I help you?
Lt. Disher: Good afternoon, I’m Lieutenant Disher, San Francisco Police. I need to speak to Adrian Monk.
Gail: Oh, uh, he’s in the bathroom right now washing up.
Lt. Disher: That would be Monk.
Gail: Mm.
Lt. Disher: I need to make sure that he gets these.

Randy Disher pulls out a brown envelope.

Lt. Disher: It’s very important.
Gail: Uh,, sure. Are you, um—are you really a cop?
Lt. Disher: Yes, I am.

Randy Disher shows Gail his badge.

Gail: Oh, wow. Look at the nice picture. Why did you get rid of the mustache?
Lt. Disher: MY captain has a mustache. I shaved mine off so that people could tell us apart.
Gail: Oh.
Lt. Disher: Sharona never told me she had a sister.
Gail: Younger. How long have you known her for?
Lt. Disher: Four years now.
Gail: Really? And she never mentioned me at all?
Lt. Disher: Well, she’s obviously a little jealous.
Gail: Hmm, exactly. Say, copper, you like Italian food?
Lt. Disher: Yeha.
Gail: Ooh.

Gail pulls down the side of her blouse to reveal a shoulder. She returns inside the house. Randy Disher follows her in.

Gail: Ooh. Hot.

Gail takes off her blouse. Randy Disher is smitten. She goes to the kitchen to resume cooking.

Gail: You know, I dated a cop once. I still have his handcuffs on my bedpost.

Gail chuckles.

Lt. Disher: Well then, I should inform you, you are still in possession of stolen property. I might have to bring you down at the station.
Gail: Really? I might not mind that.

Gail continues her flirting. She bends down to taste her cooking.

Gail: Here. Try this.

Gail walks over to Randy Disher with the wooden spoon.

Lt. Disher: Oh—

Randy Disher tastes the spaghetti sauce.

Gail: Too spicy?
Lt. Disher: No. It’s perfect.
Gail: Oh, perfect.
Lt. Disher: Uh, so, uh. What’s like having Adrian Monk as a houseguest?
Gail: Well, a few years ago, a squirrel got into the house and I could hear it running through the attic and the walls. It took me two months to get rid of it. It drove me crazy.
Lt. Disher: And?
Gail: It’s like that. So, are you, um—you gonna wait for him?
Lt. Disher: Monk? No, I can’t. If he’s washing up, he could still be another two or three hours. I should uh—could you make sure he gets this?
Gail: Oh, of course.

Gail takes the envelope.

Lt. Disher: Thanks for the sauce.
Gail: The sauce, yes.

Darryl and Sharona are still having drinks.

Darryl: Well, what do you do when you’re not working?
Sharona: Oh, I don’t know.

The waitress gives Sharona another drink.

Waitress: There you go.
Sharona: Thank you.
Darryl: Thank you.

The waitress leaves.

Sharona: I’ll just have one more. It never comes up. I’m on call 24/7.
Darryl: That’s terrible. I mean, you don’t ever feel the need to cut loose, do something crazy?
Sharona: Like what?
Darryl: Like dance…with me. Here, in the afternoon.
Sharona: I’m a good dancer.
Darryl: I bet you are. Come on.

Darryl stands up.

Sharona: Why not?

Drunken Sharona gets off her chair and trips.

Sharona: Oh!

Sharona giggles.

Sharona: I’m fine. I’m fine.

Sharona Fleming and Darryl slow dance.

Darryl: I have an idea.
Sharona: What?
Darryl: Your apartment’s two blocks from here?
Sharona: Mmm. We can’t get in yet. It’s blocked off. You know what they say? Good things come to those who wait.
Darryl: Mm.

Darryl chuckles.

Darryl: Well, I can’t wait.
Sharona: Mm.
Darryl: We can just sneak in.
Sharona: It’s too dangerous.
Darryl: That’s what makes it so exciting. Come on.
Sharona: Are you sure?
Darryl: Oh, I am sure.
Sharona: Oh.

Sharona buries her face in her hands.

Darryl: What?
Sharona: I just remembered. I promised Gail I’d be home by 2:30.
Darryl: We got plenty of time.

Adrian Monk finally finished his bath. He shakes his head to one side.

Mr. Monk: Do you have any Q-tips?
Gail: Well, Lieutenant Disher dropped by.
Mr. Monk: He did?
Gail: Yeah, you know, he’s kinda cute. I’ve got this thing for cops.
Mr. Monk: Yes, I know. That’s why you and I get along so swimmingly.
Gail: Mm.

Gail hands Arian Monk a pack of cotton swabs.

Mr. Monk: Do you have any white ones?
Gail: What’s the difference?
Mr. Monk: These are blue. Uh, I’ll wait for Sharona.
Gail: “Anywhozle”, he dropped this off.

Gail hands Monk the envelope.

Gail: Some phone records you wanted.
Mr. Monk: Ah.
Gail: Oh, and get this. They found a body near Hobart Park. A gas company repairman. Lieutenant Disher said they think he was killed near Sharona’s house.
Mr. Monk: What?
Gail: He said that it was probably no big deal, but the captain wanted you to know.

Adrian Monk studies the phone records.

Mr. Monk: This is strange.

Darryl pays the tab.

Sharona: Darryl, the phone lines are working.
Darryl: Really?
Sharona: Yeah, I can finally check my messages.

Sharona Fleming uses her cell phone to call her house phone. Darryl steals a knife from the pub.

Mr. Monk: There was a call from the Rutherford house to Sharona’s at 8:41 yesterday morning. That’s just before the earthquake hit.
Gail: They were probably talking about the fund-raiser.
Mr. Monk: Then there was another call to Sharona’s again at 8:45 right—right after the quake that—she called Sharona’s before she called 911.
Gail: Maybe she panicked. Maybe she hit redial.

Gail looks inside her purse.

Gail: Damn! Where are my keys? I could have sworn they were in my bag.
Mr. Monk: Your bag? It looks just like Sharona’s bag.
Gail: So?

Adrian Monk looks for Sharona’s bag.

Mr. Monk: He said, “Who’s the widow?”
Gail: Who did?
Mr. Monk: Darryl. When he saw Christine Rutherford at the church he said, “Who’s the widow?” How did he now she was a widow? She could have been mourning her father or a child.
Gail: Maybe he recognized her from TV?
Mr. Monk: No, no. He said, “Who’s the widow?” He knows her. Oh, my God, Sharona.

Darryl and Sharona are still at the pub. Sharona is on her cell phone listening to her messages.

Sharona: Oh, my God.
Darryl: What is it?
Sharona: It’s Henry Rutherford. Listen.

Sharona redials her answering machine and gives Darryl the phone.

Henry: Sharona, this is Henry Rutherford. I just spoke to the caterer and—oh my God. It’s an earthquake!

Darryl listens to the next message.

Henry: Christine, what are you—no, no!

A crashing is heard over the phone.

Sharona: I gotta call Adrian.

Darryl puts a knife on Sharona’s throat. She gasps.

Darryl: I think we’re going to be going by your apartment after all. Move.

Darryl is on the phone with Christine as they pull up in front of Sharona’s house.

Darryl: We’re coming up to her place now.

Darryl points the knife on Sharona’s face.

Darryl: I’ve been trying to get that idiotic tape out of your machine for two days.

A police care drives by.

Darryl: Don’t park here. Go around the block.

Adrian Monk is on the phone.

Mr. Monk: Captain Stottlemeyer, please. It’s Adrian Monk. Tell him it’s very important.

Another earthquake occurs.

Gail: Are you okay?

Gail inhales deeply.

Gail: How about that? Mother was right, an aftershock. Can you believe it?

Captain Stottlemeyer is at his office.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Lieutenant, either fix that pipe or buy everybody an umbrella.
Lt. Disher: Yes, sir.

Randy Disher fixes the leaking fire sprinkler. An officer hands him a note.

Lt. Disher: Can you take line two, sir? It’s Monk.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It better be good.

Adrian Monk talks gibberish.

Captain Stottlemeyer: What?

Monk continues to talk gibberish.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Wait. No, wait. Monk. Slow down. Try it again.

Adrian Monk tells Leland Stottlemeyer how Christine Rutherford killed her husband only he speaks in a different language.
Flashback: Christine falls the armoire on top of Henry. She sees the telephone was not hung up. She hits redial.

Sharona on Answering Machine: Hi, this is Sharona and Benjy.

Catherine Rutherford writes Sharona’s address on a notepad and gives it to Darryl. Adrian Monk continues speaking in another language.

Gail: Why don’t you write it down?
Captain Stottlemeyer: That’s a great idea. Write it down.

Adrian Monk writes on a paper.

Gail: Well, he’s writing it down. It says, uh,

Gail reads it, but still it’s in another language.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, tell Monk that I’m gonna send a squad car, okay?
Gail: Well, no. He’s—he’s already gone.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He’s gone? What do you mean, “He’s gone”?
Gail: Captain, I think Sharona’s in trouble.

Leland Stottlemeyer puts the phone down. He turns to Randy Disher who is still fixing the sprinkler.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Lieutenant? Get the car!

Adrian Monk hails a taxicab.
Darryl and Sharona arrive at her house.

Darryl: I was trying to avoid all this. I was trying to get to the answering machine before you heard that message.

Christine Rutherford arrives.

Christine: Darryl!
Darryl: Honey, what are you doing here? I told you I’d take care of it.
Sharona: You heartless bitch!
Darryl: Open the bloody door.

Adrian Monk continues speaking in a foreign language.

Taxi driver: Hold on. Hold on. W—wait. What the hell is that? Korean? Chinese?

Adrian Monk continues speaking in a foreign language. He gestures with his hand.

Taxi driver: Turn here? You want me to turn here? Is that what you’re saying? Do you want me to turn here? Is that what you’re saying? Oh, man. They come over here and they take our welfare.

Adrian Monk speaks in a foreign language and gestures with his hand.

Taxi driver: And they take our food stamps, but they don’t bother to learn our damn language.

Darryl pushes Sharona inside her house.

Darryl: Inside.

Sharona Fleming’s house severely damaged by the earthquake. She gasps.

Sharona: Oh, my God.

Christine pulls out her gun and points it at Sharona. Darryl looks for the tape.

Darryl: Where’s the tape? Where’s the tape?!
Sharona: It’s digital!
Christine: Just take the whole thing.

Darryl takes the whole telephone set. He sighs.

Darryl: Now. What are we gonna do with you?
Christine: We’ve got no choice.

Christine Rutherford hands Darryl the gun.

Christine: Come on, Darryl. Do it! I’ve come too far to stop now.
Darryl: Here?
Christine: Yeah, here. Why not?
Darryl: ‘Cause blood is gonna go everywhere.
Christine: Who’s gonna see blood in this mess?
Darryl: Monk will. Monk notices everything. He’s a damn freak!

Sharona jumps to grab the chandelier. The already severely cracked ceiling collapses on them. Adrian Monk arrives at Sharona Fleming’s house. He gets out of the taxi.

Taxi driver: Hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Adrian Monk hands the driver the fare.

Mr. Monk: Keep the change!

Adrian Monk runs away.

Taxi driver: So, you can talk. Bilingual sons of bitches.

Sharona Fleming stands up. She coughs due to the dust and debris. Darryl catches her. She screams.

Darryl: Where are you going?

Darryl slaps her. Adrian Monk enters the apartment. He restrains Darryl, but he’s too strong for him. He punches Adrian Monk. He then pushes Sharona and throws her on the bed.

Sharona: Oh, God!

Darryl pulls out a knife. Randy Disher and Leland Stottlemeyer arrive. Darryl pulls Sharona. Leland Stottlemeyer grabs Darryl.

Darryl: Son of a bitch!
Captain Stottlemeyer: I’m surprised you can talk with a broken jaw.
Darryl: I don’t have a broken jaw.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Not yet.

Leland Stottlemeyer punches Darryl on the face. Sharona Fleming runs out to the living room to get Adrian Monk.

Sharona: Adrian!

Monk is still on the floor gathering debris.

Sharona: Adrian, are you okay? Oh, God. It’s all over.

Leland Stottlemeyer goes to the living room to check on Christine Rutherford who is still on the floor under a pile of debris.

Mr. Monk: I might need a broom.
Sharona: Okay.

Adrian Monk shows Sharona his apartment.

Sharona: Oh, my God! It looks great! It’s back to normal.
Mr. Monk: I had a cleaning crew take care of it. The insurance company paid for most of it.
Sharona: Ooh! Ooh, I almost forgot.

Sharona Fleming pulls out a note from her purse.

Sharona: Here’s the note you wrote. Now do you believe me?

Adrian Monk reads the note that’s in a foreign language.

Mr. Monk: Did I really write this? Unbelievable.
Sharona: Uh, Adrian, listen. Now that you’re home, there’s something we have to talk about.
Mr. Monk: Uh-oh.

Adrian Monk turns around and begins fussing with his CD collection.

Sharona: I haven’t been paid since the earthquake.
Mr. Monk: Are you sure?
Sharona: Yeah. It’s been three weeks.

Sharona pulls out a drawer and takes out Adrian Monk’s checkbook.

Sharona: Hmm? Here’s your checkbook.

Adrian Monk talks gibberish.

Sharona: That’s not funny.

Monk continues talking gibberish.

Sharona: Okay, will ya stop it? You owe me money.

Adrian talks gibberish and walks away.

Sharona: I know you’re faking it.
Mr. Monk: I’m not faking it!
Sharona: You just spoke English!

This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Mr. Monk and the Earthquake” episode was written by Tom Scharpling & David Breckman. Monk is owned by Universal Media Studios in association with Mandeville Films and Touchstone Television.

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Rebecca said...

Too Funny!