Monday, March 10, 2008

Mr. Monk and the Airplane – Monk Transcript 1.12

Adrian Monk goes through a body check at the airportAdrian Monk and Sharona Fleming arrive at the airport.

Mr. Monk: What time does she get in?
Sharona: Any minute. We have to hurry.
Mr. Monk: All right, I finally get to meet the famous Aunt Minn.
Sharona: Yep.
Mr. Monk: Have you told her about me?
Sharona: I think your name’s come up once or twice.
Mr. Monk: What did you say?
Sharona: I told her the truth. Sorry.   Continue reading...

Sharona Fleming rides the escalator. Adrian Monk has trouble riding it, but follows her anyway.

Mr. Monk: Oh, hold on, Sharona, wait. We’re on the wrong floor. This is departures. Arrivals, upstairs.
Sharona: I think you’d better sit down.

Adrian Monk sits on an airport bench.

Sharona: Okay, I got good news and bad news. What do you want to hear first?
Mr. Monk: Neither.
Sharona: Well, you gotta pick one.
Mr. Monk: I don’t want to. If you tell me the good news first, I won’t enjoy it, because I’ll be worrin’ about the bad news, which is coming next. But if you tell me the bad news first, I won’t get a chance to enjoy the good news, because I know—
Sharona: Okay, okay, Adrian, Adrian. Just stop it.

Sharona Fleming sighs.

Sharona: Okay, I’m just gonna say it. We’re not here to pick up Aunt Minn.
Mr. Monk: Yes, we are.
Sharona: No, no, no. We’re not, Aunt Minn’s not coming here. I’m going there. My, uh, flight leaves in about an hour and I’m gonna be gone for seven days.
Mr. Monk: In a row?
Sharona: Yeah, in a row. I didn’t want to tell you ‘cause I knew you were gonna freak out. Now, you could either stay here—
Mr. Monk: By myself?
Sharona: No, no, no. My sister would look in on you, or—you can come with me; I packed your things.
Mr. Monk: No, no, I—Okay, I’m gonna need a day or two to think about it.
Sharona: You only got five minutes.
Man on P.A.: This is the final boarding call for Alpha Air Flight 395 to Boston.

Adrian Monk looks around. He notices a woman putting on her glasses.

Man on P.A.: All passengers, please proceed to Gate 10. Again, this is the final boarding call for Alpha Air’s Flight 395 to Boston.

Adrian Monk watches the woman kiss her husband goodbye.

Man on P.A.: All passengers should proceed to Gate 10.
Sharona: Adrian? Adrian? What’s it gonna be?
Mr. Monk: Ah—I’m gonna stay here.
Sharona: By yourself?
Mr. Monk: No, I’m gonna come with you.
Sharona: On the plane?

Adrian Monk nods then shakes his head.

Mr. Monk: You sure?

He nods and shakes his head again.
The woman that Adrian Monk saw earlier is now inside the ladies room. Another woman that looks exactly like her enters.

Impostor: Could I borrow your lipstick?

The woman is confused. He looks at the impostor face-to-face.

Impostor: It was the only thing I couldn’t match.

The impostor shoots the woman. She then puts on the dead woman’s lipstick.
Sharona Fleming and Adrian Monk are at the ticket counter where there already is a very long line.

Woman on P.A.: Laides and gentlemen, please note, Nationwide Airlines Flight 476 to St. Louis has been delayed.
Clerk: I can assure you, Mr. Monk, this particular aircraft has an excellent safety record.
Mr. Monk: Could I see it?
Sharona: Adrian. He doesn’t have the safety record WITH him.
Mr. Monk: How long would it take you to get a copy?
Woman #1: Now he wants to see the safety record.
Woman #2: Ugh! He’s gonna sit right next to me, I know it.
Mr. Monk: And—and the last time the plane was disinfected was when, would you say?

Sharona Fleming and Adrian Monk are now at the security check.

Man On P.A.: Ladies and gentlemen, please note all unattended luggage—
Sharona: Adrian, empty your pockets and put your stuff in here.

Adrian Monk puts his pen that’s in a small plastic bag, wipes, and money on a tray.

Security Woman: You didn’t have to put them in Baggies, sir.
Sharona: No, he did.
Security Man: Nail clippers. You can’t bring these on board. Sorry.
Mr. Monk: So, she can’t fly. Is that what you’re saying? We have to stay here.
Security Man: No, we have to confiscate them.

Adrian Monk turns to Sharona Fleming.

Mr. Monk: You sure you wanna go without your nail clippers?
Sharona: I’ll just buy new ones when we get there.
Mr. Monk: But they may not have that exact same model.
Sharona: Ah, I don’t care.

Sharona Fleming passes through the metal detector.

Security Woman: Thank you. Go ahead.

Adrian Monk stands by the metal detector.

Security Woman: Okay, sir. Step through, please.

Adrian Monk gestures with his hand about going through the metal detector.

Security Woman: Yes. Just step through, sir.

Adrian Monk quickly steps through the metal detector and it starts to beep.

Security Woman: Body check.

Adrian Monk buries his face in his hand.

Security Woman: Sir, put your arms out, please.

The other security woman checks Adrian Monk with the security wand.
The impostor approaches the woman’s husband.

Impostor: How did it go?
Husband: Everything worked out exactly as I planned. They’ll never find her. Let’s go.
Woman on P.A.: Attention, passengers, Blue Sky Air’s flight—

Adrian Monk looks out the window. Sharona Fleming approaches him.

Sharona: Adrian? Hey, are you okay? You want a sedative? They’re very mild.
Mr. Monk: No. No, thanks.
Sharona: Well, I bought some magazines.
Mr. Monk: You bought all those.
Sharona: What’s the problem?
Mr. Monk: It just seems like a lot of extra weight.

Sharona Fleming chuckles.

Sharona: I am telling you, it’s gonna be fine. It’s the safest way to travel.
Mr. Monk: I know. Statistically, it’s very safe, but here’s my problem: You see that plane taking off? I know it happens 10,000 times a day, but it’s really—it’s really not possible, is it, when you really—

Adrian Monk points his finger to his temple.

Mr. Monk: I mean, how can they fly? They’re made of metal. They weigh 200…tons. Plus, now you’re adding all the magazines—
Sharona: Adrian, Adrian. Look, I know this is very hard for you. It’s a very big step, and I just want to let you know I’m really proud of you.

The impostor hands her ticket to the flight attendant.

Woman flight attendant: Welcome. Mrs. Chabrol, is your husband with you?
Mrs. Chabrol: Oh, yes, he’s just, um—just running a little late.
Man flight attendant: Well, he better hurry. Just about ready to go, ma’am.

Adrian Monk looks around and sees the husband having his shoes shined.

Man flight attendant: Next passenger, please?

Sharona Fleming pushes Adrian Monk.

Woman flight attendant: Mr. Monk! It’s nice to have you with us.

Adrian Monk giggles.

Sharona: Oh, he’s just a little nervous.
Woman flight attendant: Oh, there’s nothing to be nervous about.

Adrian Monk hands the flight attendant his ticket, but keeps a tight grip on it.

Woman flight attendant: You’re gonna have to let go of that ticket.
Mr. Monk: Okay. Wait.

Adrian Monk closes his eyes and forces himself to loosen his grip.

Mr. Monk: Okay, take it. Take it. Quick. Quick.

The flight attendant takes his ticket. She looks at the other flight attendant.

Woman flight attendant: Trouble ahead.
Man flight attendant: Oh, yeah.

Sharona Fleming boards the airplane, Adrian Monk is right behind her.

Mr. Monk: This is—this isn’t so bad.
Sharona: This is first class. Keep walin’. We’re in steerage/
Mr. Monk: Oh.

Tim Daly puts his bag on the overhead bin. Sharona Fleming gasps.

Sharona: Oh, my God!
Mr. Monk: What?
Sharona: Oh, my God, that is Tim Daly! I love him!
Mr. Monk: What is he, some kind of actor?
Sharona: Yeah! Yeah! He was on that show, Wings.
Mr. Monk: Never saw it. Was it good?
Sharona: Well, he was.

Sharona Fleming passes Tim Daly.

Sharona: How ya doin’?

Sharona Fleming finds their seats.

Sharona: Oh. Here, here. Adrian, Row 11. This is us. “C” and “D”.

The woman in the line earlier scoffs.

Woman: I knew it. Why do I attract the crazies?
Sharona: Now, do you want the aisle or the middle?
Mr. Monk: Okay, I—I’ll take th—aisle.

An elderly passenger who is also on Row 11 looks at Adrian Monk.

Sharona: You sure?
Mr. Monk: Aisle. Aisle.

Sharona Fleming prepares to take her seat when Adrian Monk talks gibberish.

Mr. Monk: Middle. Middle. Oh, middle. Aisle! Aisle! I’m just gonna…wait.
Man: Mister. Mister. Take this one, I won’t mind.
Mr. Monk: Aisle. Middle.
Sharona: Oh, no, no, no. Please don’t offer him a third choice. His head will explode, but—

Sharona Fleming laughs. Adrian Monk chuckles. The man returns to his seat.

Sharona: But thank you so much, sir. Thank you.

Sharona Fleming turns to Adrian Monk.

Sharona: Sit in the middle.
Woman: It always happens to me. Always.

Sharona Fleming looks at the woman.

Woman: I knew it. I knew it.

The elderly man turns to Adrian Monk.

Man: Good choice. So, business or pleasure?
Mr. Monk: Uh, w—we’re going to visit her aunt in New Jersey, so…neither.
Sharona: Yeah.
Man: I’m Warren Beach. “Beach,” like Coney Island.

Warren Beach extends his hand. Sharona Fleming pulls out a wipe.

Mr. Monk: Oh, Adrian Monk.
Warren: Hi, Adrian. How are you?

Sharona hands Adrian a wipe. He wipes his hand. Warren Beach whispers.

Warren: What’s the matter?

Warren Beach turns to Adrian Monk.

Warren: I’m not sick.
Sharona: No, he is.
Mr. Monk: What is that?

Adrian Monk pulls out a safety procedure brochure.

Sharona: Oh, um, that’s a diagram. It shows you what to do in case there’s an emergency.

Adrian Monk breathes heavily.

Mr. Monk: How much time do we have to study this?

Sharona Fleming laughs.

Sharona: Oh, he’s not exactly a frequent flyer, you know.

The woman flight attendant closes the overhead bins.

Mrs. Chabrol: Excuse me, could I have a scotch and water, please?
Stewardess: Not till we’re airborne.

Adrian Monk watches Mrs. Chabrol and the stewardess. Sharona Fleming turns to Adrian Monk.

Sharona: Are you okay?
Mrs. Chabrol: I just don’t fly very often.

A bell dings.

Mr. Monk: What’s that?
Sharona: Oh, that’s your call button in case you need help.

Adrian Monk quickly stands up and presses the button repeatedly.

Stewardess: Can I help you?
Mr. Monk: I was just testing the button.
Stewardess: Seems to be working. So, you can stop now.
Sharona: Adrian. Adrian. Sit down. Sit down.

Sharona Fleming pulls Adrian back to his seat.

Stewardess: Let me guess. First time on a plane?
Mr. Monk: Oh, no, no. I’ve been on a plane before.
Stewardess: Where’d you go?
Mr. Monk: Well, uh—didn’t actually go anywhere. Before we took off, I was crying so much, they asked my mother and me to leave the plane.

Sharona Fleming chuckles.

Sharona: Tell her how old you were.

Adrian Monk chuckles.

Mr. Monk: I was, uh, twenty…seven.

The stewardess laughs then walks away. She goes to the kitchen where the steward is.
Stewardess: 11D’s a real squawker.
Steward: Do you need any help?
Stewardess: Me? Honey, I’ve been doing this job for 19 years. I’ve never met a rider I couldn’t’ handle.

Warren Beach turns to Adrian Monk.

Warren: So, as a first time flyer, you are sitting next to the right person!

Warren Beach pulls his lapel to show Adrian Monk his pin.

Warren: Look at that. That is the million-mile pin! I’m in sales, I fly two, three times a week, never had an accident.
Sharona: You see?

Adrian Monk smiles then nods.

Warren: Except last January, in San Diego. We overshot the runway. We had to ditch into the ocean.

Adrian Monk’s jaw drops.

Warren: You know, those brochures are not always so accurate. In real life, people are fighting over the life preservers. And you know how they say cushion floats? Not all of them do, I don’t want to talk about this anymore.

A woman passenger coughs. Adrian Monk stands up and presses the call button repeatedly. The stewardess arrives.

Stewardess: We meet again.
Mr. Monk: Excuse me, that woman back there is coughing and coughing. She’s not covering her mouth.
Stewardess: I’m not her mother.
Mr. Monk: I know. It’s the air. It’s all re-circulating, and it feels like she’s coughing right on me.
Stewardess: We have a special supply of fresh air up front. I’m not supposed to do this, but I’m gonna have the captain pipe it directly into your blower. Okay?

Adrian Monk smiles.

Mr. Monk: Okay.
Stewardess: Ah, don’t tell anybody else.
Sharona: Thank you.
Mr. Monk: She was patronizing me, wasn’t she?

The child sitting in front of Adrian Monk kneels on her seat and turns to him.

Girl: You sure complain a lot.
Mr. Monk: Thank you.
Girl: You know what I think your name is? Mr. “Complain ey.”

Warren Beach laughs.

Warren: Kid’s got your number.

Mr. Chabrol arrives.

Steward: Yes, it’s the fourth row.
Mr. Chabrol: Oh, Barbara.
Mrs. Chabrol: Stefan! Thank God. Where were you?
Stefan: Uh, I went to the wrong gate. Can you believe it?

Adrian Monk shakes his head. Stefan Chabrol puts his luggage on the overhead bin.
Adrian Monk turns to Sharona Fleming.

Mr. Monk: Her pin. Her pin.
Sharona: What pin?
Mr. Monk: That—that woman’s pin.

Adrian Monk points to Barbara Chabrol’s bag.

Mr. Monk: She has a million-mile pin.
Sharona: So?
Mr. Monk: She told the stewardess that she never flies.
Warren: That’s pretty sharp. You ought to be a detective.
Sharona: Oh, he is a detective. That’s why he notices little things like that.
Warren: “Noticing little things”? Basically, that’s all a salesman does. Listen, if you ever need a job, call me.

Warren Beach hands Adrian Monk his business card.

Mr. Monk: “Extension cords”?
Warren: The largest distributor of extension cords in the world. We have 65% of the domestic market. We make three-footers, six-footers, nine-footers—that’s our big seller. It’s 50% longer than the six-footer.
Mr. Monk: That’s right. That’s all you sell?
Warren: I’m fulfilled. I mean, everybody takes extension cords for granted, but just try to imagine how he world would be without them.

Adrian Monk tries to imagine.

Mr. Monk: I guess all the furniture would be a lot closer to the walls.
Warren: Exactly, “If it doesn’t reach, call Warren Beach”.
Pilot on P.A.: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain speaking.
Mr. Monk: We’re moving. W-W-W-we’re rolling. W-W-W-We’re going. We’re moving.
Sharona: We have to move. That’s how it works.
Stewardess on P.A.: Welcome to Nationwide Airways Flight 635 nonstop to Neward, New Jersey.

Adrian Monk pulls out his notepad.

Stewardess on P.A.: In the unlikely event of loss of cabin pressure, an oxygen mask will drop automatically from the overhead compartment.

The steward demonstrates the oxygen mask dropping.

Mr. Monk: I’m sorry. You were talking so fast. Uh, th—the overhead what, what, what?
Stewardess on P.A.: Compartment. Simply place the mask over your nose and mouth and breathe normally.
Mr. Monk: Could—could you just say that a little part again? I couldn’t see.
Stewardess on P.A.: …simply place the mask over your nose and mouth and breathe normally.
Mr. Monk: Maybe we should test them.
Stewardess on P.A.: We don’t need to test them.
Mr. Monk: But—but how do we know that they’re working?
Woman: What?

A woman chuckles.

Stewardess on P.A.: They all work, okay? There are four exits in the aircraft. Two in the foreca—
Mr. Monk: Excuse me.

Adrian Monk stands up and turns to the two women behind him chatting.

Mr. Monk: Excuse me.

The women look at Adrian Monk.

Mr. Monk: Uh, shh!

Adrian returns to his seat.

Mr. Monk: “Two in the forward section,” go on.
Stewardess on P.A.: And one over each wing. In the event of an evacuation, we are asking passengers seated nearest to the exits—

Adrian Monk stammers.

Mr. Monk: I’m so sorry. How can we be sure that we have the best people sitting near the exits?
Stewardess on P.A.: If you don’t think that the cabin is safe, perhaps you’d be more comfortable flying downstairs in the cargo bay?

Everybody laughs, except Sharona and Adrian Monk. Sharona sighs.

Warren: She got ya, Adrian.

Stefan looks at Barbara Chabrol who is rummaging through her bag.

Barbara: Can’t find her—uh, my passport.
Stefan: Relax. Maybe it’s in the other bag. I’ll take a look.

Stefan Chabrol stands up and opens the overhead bin. Barbara Chabrol stands up too.

Stewardess: Sir? Ma’am. Please sit down. We’re underway.
Barbara: Thank God.

Barbara Chabrol finds her passport. She chuckles. She and her husband kiss.

Stewardess: Excuse me.
Mr. Monk: Check it out. Check it out.
Stewardess: Please! Sit down! You must take your seats!
Mr. Monk: When they kissed in the terminal, she had to stand on tiptoe. She’s grown at least two inches.

Stefan Chabrol closes the overhead bin.

Stefan: Voila. Sit down, Barbara.
Stewardess: Thank you.

The engine revs.

Mr. Monk: Ooh! We’re off.

Adrian Monk has a tight grip on Warren Beach’s hand.

Warren: Excuse me, I can’t feel my fingers.
Mr. Monk: Sharona, I have a bad feeling.
Sharona: I’m telling you, it’s perfectly safe.
Mr. Monk: I don’t mean the plane. That man. I think he murdered his wife.
Sharona: You do?

The flight attendants are serving drinks.

Stewardess: Can I get you something to drink?

The girl kneels on her seat to face Adrian Monk.

Girl: Do you like riddles?
Mr. Monk: Oh, yes.
Girl: Good. ‘Cause I have one.
Mr. Monk: Did I say yes? I meant no.
Girl: Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out, who was left?
Mr. Monk: Repeat.
Girl: Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?
Mr. Monk: Repeat.
Girl: Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?
Mr. Monk: Repeat.
Girl: Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out, who was left?

Sharona Fleming is sitting beside Tim Daly.

Sharona: Is that a new script?
Tim: Yeah. I can’t decide whether or not to do it.
Sharona: Hit Man’s Diary. Hmm. If you do it, are you gonna shave your goatee?
Tim: Why?
Sharona: Well, it’s—it’s just something that I notice. Um, when you’re clean shaven whatever you’re in is a big hit.
Tim: Really?
Sharona: Mm-hmm. Well, think about it. Um, you got Diner, Wings, Earth to the Moon—the--they were huge.
Tim: That’s true. And I got an agent, a lawyer and a manager, and they never noticed that.
Sharona: And when you had a mustache in Year of the Comet, it—
Tim: Bombed.

Back at the economy section…

Girl: Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?

Adrian Monk is almost in tears. He answers softly.

Mr. Monk: Repeat.
Girl: Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?
Mr. Monk: Repeat.
Girl: Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?
Mr. Monk: Repeat.
Girl: Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?

Adrian Monk turns to Warren Beach.

Warren: Repeat.
Mr. Monk: Thank you.
Girl: Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?
Mr. Monk: Repeat.

Adrian Monk stands up and presses the call button.

Girl: Pete and Repeat were in a boat.

The girl giggles.

Girl: Pete fell out. Who was left?
Mr. Monk: Repeat.

The stewardess attends to Adrian Monk.

Stewardess: Mr. Monk?
Mr. Monk: Oh, thank God. Will you help me? She is relentless.
Stewardess: Mr. Monk. I have a hundred and five other passengers. The call bell is for emergencies only. Do you understand?

Adrian Monk is silent.

Stewardess: Good.

Warren Beach turns to Adrian Monk.

Warren: Where’s your friend? I want to show you something.
Mr. Monk: Oh, she’s, uh—she’s in the bathroom.
Warren: No, she’s not. It says, “Unoccupied”.
Mr. Monk: Uh—hope she didn’t leave.

Warren Beach laughs.

Warren: How far could she go? It’s an airplane. Listen, Adrian. You’re a man of the world. I think you would appreciate this. You see what I got in my hands, here?

Warren Beach shows Adrian Monk an extension cord.

Warren: This is the longest tri-prong, tri-outlet cord ever made domestically.
Mr. Monk: Uh-huh.
Warren: It’s 18 feet here. We call it, “The Anaconda”. It’s got a hook. This is a special feature, the hook. Here.

Warren Beach hooks the extension cord on Adrian Monk’s suit.

Warren: Just watch it. You don’t even need to, listen, there. Look at how good it hooks. Bingo!

Sharona Fleming is still in the first class cabin with Tim Daly.

Tim: Would you like to read this?
Sharona: Me?
Tim: Yeah. I’d like to know what you think.
Sharona: You would like to know what I think?

Adrian Monk enters the first class cabin.

Mr. Monk: Sharona. What are you…doing?
Sharona: Adrian, I’m busy.
Mr. Monk: I need help.
Sharona: Um…

Sharona laughs.

Sharona: This is my boss, Adrian Monk.
Tim: Oh, hi, Tim Daly.

Tim Daly extends his hand, but Adrian Monk just looks at it.

Mr. Monk: Yeah. Hello. Ah. I’m told you’re very talented. I really need your back there.
Sharona: Why don’t you go back to your seat? Count the clowns.
Mr. Monk: I already did, 23.

Adrian Monk turns to the approaching stewardess.

Mr. Monk: Excuse me. She’s not allowed up here, is she?
Stewardess: I’m sorry, ma’am. You have to go back to coach.

Tim Daly chuckles and turns to Adrian Monk.

Tim: You tattled on her?

Tim Daly laughs.

Tim: I can’t believe it! You’re a freakin’ tattletale.
Mr. Monk: He called me a freakin’ tattletale.

Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming return to coach.

Mr. Monk: Fourth row back. Overhead compartment.

Sharona Fleming opens the overhead bin on top of the Chabrol’s. Stefan Chabrol looks at Sharona Fleming.

Sharona: Oh, excuse me. I just need an extra blanket. I think I saw one up here.

Sharona Fleming takes something other than a blanket.

Sharona: Got it. Thanks.

Sharona returns to her seat.

Sharona: I got it.

Sharona reads the Chabrol’s itinerary that she took from their overhead bin.

Sharona: Stefan “chab roll” C-H-A-B-R-O-L. They have a connecting flight to Paris at 5:15.
Mr. Monk: Paris.
Sharona: Now, if you don’t mind, Tim Daly wants me to read the script for him.

Sharona sighs. Warren Beach turns to Adrian Monk.

Warren: You really think he killed his wife?

Sharona scoffs.

Sharona: He always thinks people are killing each other.
Mr. Monk: That’s true. And I’ll tell you why, because they are.
Warren: Listen Adrian, I’m a pretty good judge of people, if I wasn’t, I couldn’t sell extension cords. So, I think I know what’s going on here. You’re under a lot of stress, and you are trying to avoid thinking that this plane is going to crash into a mountain.
Mr. Monk: Thank you.
Warren: So, you’re desperately trying to think of something else to worry about!
Sharona: He’s right.
Warren: You really think so? You gotta relax. Let me buy you a drink.
Mr. Monk: I don’t drink.

Warren Beach sighs.

Warren: You don’t drink. Okay. Well wait, I got an idea here. This is a good idea.

Warren Beach opens a case.

Warren: It’s brand new, not opened. There you go. Put this over you face.

Adrian Monk takes the eye mask and puts it on.

Warren: We’re gonna teach you to relax, Adrian, good, good, okay? Push your seat back. Give him a push.
Sharona: Go back.
Mr. Monk: Ah, ahh!
Warren: There he goes, back. There you go!

Adrian Monk lies down on his reclined seat.

Woman: Do you mind?
Mr. Monk: No. No, I don’t mind.
Warren: How do you feel now?
Mr. Monk: I feel better.
Warren: Good. Forget your problems. Go to a happy place. Go to SeaWorld.
Mr. Monk: I don’t like crowds.
Warren; It’s closed! It’s a holiday. You’re there alone. Easy. There was no murder, was there?
Mr. Monk: No.
Warren: There are no killers aboard.
Mr. Monk: No killers.

Warren Beach signals to Sharona and the woman behind Adrian Monk to be silent. Sharona Fleming mouths the phrase “Thank you”.
The stewardess arrives.

Stewardess: Mrs. Chabrol? There we go.

The stewardess puts her meal on her tray.

Barbara: Oh, what—what’s this?
Stewardess: Your vegetarian meal.
Barbara: Oh, no, no. I wanted turkey.
Stewardess: Oh, I’m sorry. Didn’t you call ahead for the vegetarian?
Stefan: Uh, I ordered it, sweetheart. Remember? I told you.
Barbara: Oh!

Adrian Monk still wearing the eye mask turns to Sharona Fleming.

Mr. Monk: Did you hear that?
Sharona: What?

Adrian Monk removes the eye mask.

Mr. Monk: She forgot she was a vegetarian? Who forgets they’re vegetarian? It’s like forgetting you’re a Republican.

Sharona Fleming sighs.

Mr. Monk: Something’s going on here. I’m gonna call Captain Stottlemeyer as soon as we land.
Warren: Why don’t you call him now? That’s a phone.

Randy Disher answers the phone.

Lt. Disher: Disher.
Mr. Monk: Disher. It’s Adrian Monk. Is the captain there?
Lt. Disher: No, Monk. It’s Sunday. Where are you?
Mr. Monk: Uh, I’m, uh, I’m in an airplane. Flying uh—I’m flying.
Lt. Disher: Have you been kidnapped?
Mr. Monk: No. Going to New Jersey. On an airplane. It’s no big deal. Listen! Did anything strange happen at the airport this morning?
Lt. Disher: Strange, as in what?
Mr. Monk: Did—did a body turn up? A female, 5’7”, mid-forties?
Lt. Disher: Hold on.

Randy Disher types on his computer.

Lt. Disher: No, not a thing. What’s goin’ on, Monk?
Mr. Monk: Passenger on the plane. Think he might have murdered his wife just before we left.
Lt. Disher: Monk, there’s nothing on the sheet.
Mr. Monk: Could you check the guy out? Name is Stefan Chabrol. C-H-A-B-R-O-L.
Lt. Disher: Fine, I’ll do what I can. Are you really up there in an airplane?
Mr. Monk: It’s better than being up here NOT in an airplane. I’ll call you back.
Lt. Disher: Okay.

Sharona Fleming and Warren Beach are sleeping. Adrian hears a mechanical whirring. He asks Warren Beach.

Mr. Monk: What—what is that?
Warren: I don’t know, the flaps or something.

Adrian Monk watches Stefan Chabrol.

Mr. Monk: Did you see that?
Warren: No.
Mr. Monk: Did you see—he knew we were gonna turn. He knows about planes. Sharona, wake up. Sharona. Wake up.

Sharona Fleming mumbles.

Mr. Monk: He knows about airplanes. He lifted his glass—

Sharona Fleming groans.
Randy Disher answers his phone.

Lt. Disher: Disher.
Mr. Monk: Randy, I think he works for the airlines.

Warren Beach’s head leans on Adrian Monk’s shoulder as he sleeps and snores.

Lt. Disher: Y—yeah, hang on. I just found him. You’re right. He’s a pilot. He flies for Paris Air. How’d you know that?
Mr. Monk: I’ll tell you later. Is there anything on the wife?
Lt. Disher: Yeah, wife. Barbara, maiden name, Lesser. She’s a trust fund baby.
Mr. Monk: Details. Well, her family owns Lesser Pharmaceuticals.
Lt. Disher: Her mother and father both deceased.
Mr. Monk: If Stefan wanted to be with another woman.

Adrian Monk pushes Warren Beach’s head.

Mr. Monk: And keep the cash flowing—
Lt. Disher; They’d have to pretend the wife was still alive.
Mr. Monk: There’s your motive.

Warren Beach’s head falls on Adrian’s shoulder.

Mr. Monk: Chabrol found an accomplice who’s Barbara Lesser’s double. A dead ringer. They killed her at the airport…after she checked in. So, officially, she’s boarded the plane, and they’re probably never coming back. They’re just gonna stay in France and collect the money.
Lt. Disher: W—well, we need a body, Monk. Where’s the body?
Mr. Monk: That’s the question. They had to make sure…it would never be found.
Lt. Disher: Well, it can’t be on the plane. It’s still gotta be at the airport somewhere.

Randy Disher gasps.

Lt. Disher: Monk, I’m on my way.

Adrian Monk hangs up the receiver. He pushes Warren Beach’s head.
The woman sitting behind Adrian Monk approaches Stefan Chabrol.

Woman: Oh, excuse me, I know this my be none of my business, but you see that man in 11D—do you know him?
Stefan: No. Should I?
Woman: Well, he’s been talking about you the whole trip. He thinks you murdered your wife.
Stefan: He what?
Woman: Yeah. Don’t worry. No one’s gonna believe him. He’s a real fruitcake, but you might wanna—wanna keep an eye on him, you know?
Stefan: Yes. Yes, I will.

Randy Disher is at the airport.

Airport Security: I’m tellin’ you. You’re wasting my time and your time. This airport’s the most secure piece of real estate in the city. If there was a body somewhere, we would have found it. Now, I don’t know where you’re getting’ your information from—
Lt. Disher: I’ll tell you where I’m getting my information from, Adrian Monk. Maybe you’ve heard of him.
Airport Security: No.

An elderly man enters the economy section and approaches Stefan Chabrol.

Bernard: Stefan!
Stefan: Bernard.

Bernard chuckles.

Bernard: What a small world. Can you believe this?
Stefan: No.
Bernard: I was just thinking about your father, God rest his soul.

Adrian Monk watches and listens to the Chabrol’s

Bernard: Are you heading back home?
Stefan: Yeah, that’s right.
Bernard: Yes, me too. I haven’t seen you since the big anniversary party.
Stefan: Ah!

Bernard turns to Barbara.

Bernard: Barbara, ravissante, comme toujours.

Bernard kisses Barbara’s hand.

Barbara: It’s a pleasure to meet you.
Bernard: To MEET me? Well, you don’t remember.

Bernard laughs.

Bernard: You’re breaking an old man’s heart. I taught you how to waltz that night.
Barbara: Oh, yes. Of course you did, I’m sorry, I’d forgotten.
Bernard: Moi, j’aurais pu jamais oubliee une soiree pareille.
Barbara: I’m sorry, I don’t speak French.
Bernard: Since when? We spoke for over an hour. That was only three years ago.
Stefan: Uh, Bernard.

Stefan gets off his seat and speaks French to Bernard. They leave. Stefan Chabrol returns with a glass of wine.

Stefan: Excuse me.

Stefan trips and spills wine on Adrian Monk. Adrian grunts.

Stefan: I’m so sorry, monsieur, I am sorry. Let me get you a napkin.
Mr. Monk: No, no, I’m fine.
Stefan: Very well.
Mr. Monk: Sharona, wake up. Wake up!

Sharona Fleming who is now sitting in the middle seat is sleeping. She gives out a soft moan.

Mr. Monk: Wake up! He spilled his wine.
Sharona: Ohh.
Mr. Monk: It’s staining. I can feel it.
Sharona: Oh, stain remover.

Sharona Fleming with her eyes still closed pulls out a stain remover.

Sharona: Add water and rub it in.
Mr. Monk: Would you do it? I—if you did it, then I wouldn’t have to do it.

Sharona Fleming gives Adrian Monk a piercing look then drops the stain remover on Adrian’s lap. Adrian gets off his seat. Then goes over to the lavatory. Barbara follows him and blocks the lavatory with a meal cart. Meanwhile, Stefan is also off his chair holding two glasses or red wine. The airplane experiences some turbulence and the fasten your seatbelt sign lights up.

P.A.: This is the captain. We’re experiencing some minor turbulence. Please remain seated. We should be out of this momentarily.

Stefan…
The flight attendants check on the passengers.

Steward: Could you put your tray up, ma’am? Here. Let me help you.

The stewardess notices that Adrian Monk is not in his heat. Adrian Monk struggles inside the lavatory. Stefan Chabrol….The stewardess finds Stefan Chabrol.

Stewardess: May I help you?
Stefan: I, uh—I was looking for some, uh, magazines.

Adrian Monk finishes removing the stain on his pants. He unlocks the lavatory and pushes it to open, but it would not budge.
Stefan Chabrol makes his way to Bernard’s seat bringing with him two glasses of red wine.

Bernard: Oh, merci.

Bernard chuckles.

Stefan: Alors.

Stefan Chabrol takes his seat beside Bernard.

Stefan: Thank you for understanding. The woman is obviously not Barbara.

Bernard laughs.

Bernard: I saw nothing!
Stefan: I knew you’d understand.

Bernard makes a toast.

Bernard: To our wives and lovers. May they never meet.

Adrian Monk bangs the lavatory door.

Mr. Monk: Hello? Excuse me. Excuse me. Hello!

Adrian Monk rattles the lavatory door latch.

Mr. Monk: Hello? This isn’t funny. Hello? My God.

Sharona Fleming pushes the meal cart away from the lavatory door.

Sharona: Adrian. Adrian, what are you doing in there?

Adrian Monk steps out of the lavatory holding a piece of paper.

Sharona: What is that?
Mr. Monk: It’s my will.

The stewardess hurriedly walks to Adrian and Sharona and pushes the two away.

Stewardess: Excuse me. Excuse me, Neil!
Steward: What?
Stewardess: We have a situation.

The stewardess speaks softly.

Stewardess: You better call Bobby.

The airplane crew walks over to the now dead Bernard. The captain checks Bernard’s pulse. He turns to the stewardess.

Bobby: He’s dead.

Later, the crew lays Bernard’s dead body on one of the back rows.

Stewardess: We could divert to Pittsburgh.
Bobby: No, this time of day, they’d probably give us priority right into Newark.
Steward: What is this?
Bobby: That’s heart medicine. Well, the guy had a heart attack.
Mr. Monk: I don’t think so.
Bobby: Are you a doctor?
Mr. Monk: No, sir. I’m a homicide detective.
Bobby: Can I see some I.D.?
Mr. Monk: Well, actually, um, I’m not currently active.
Stewardess: Mm-hmm.
Mr. Monk: But there is a situation on the plane. I’ve been watching two of your passengers. I think they might have been involved in a homicide back at the airport. And in this.
Stewardess: Bobby?

The stewardess whispers to the captain.

Stewardess: This is the man that I was telling you about.
Bobby: Sir, I’m gonna ask you to go back to your seat.
Mr. Monk: No, no. You don’t understand.
Bobby: No, no, you don’t understand. You’re making a scene. Now, please, turn around and go back to your seat.

Adrian Monk whispers to Sharona Fleming as he walks away.

Mr. Monk: Wine glass.

Sharona Fleming takes the wine glass on the seat unnoticed.

Warren: What happened?
Mr. Monk: The old man knew that’s not his real wife. I think they killed him.
Warren: They what?
Sharona: Can you prove it?
Mr. Monk: An autopsy would, but that’d take three or four days. They’ll be in France by then. It’d take years to extradite them. Unless I have proof. Physical proof.

Adrian Monk smells the wine glass that still has a bit of wine in it.

Warren: What is it?
Mr. Monk: I don’t know. Some kind of powder. Do you have a match?
Warren: Yes. Get a load of this. The company gave me this for selling 1,000 miles of extension cord.

Warren Beach hands Adrian Monk a lighter. Adrian heats the wine using the lighter.

Warren: What is it we’re doing now, Adrian?
Mr. Monk: Burning off the alcohol residue.
Man: Hey, stewardess. That guy has a lighter.

Adrian Monk smells the wine glass.

Sharona: What is it?
Mr. Monk: Ehylene. It’s a solvent, used in refrigerator coolant.
Stewardess: Excuse me. Were you just using that?
Mr. Monk: No.
Girl: Yes, he was. I could see him.
Sharona: No, no, no, no. He was just playing with it. It won’t happen again.
Stewardess: You’re right it won’t. Give it to me, please?

Adrian Monk turns to Warren Beach.

Mr. Monk: Sorry.
Warren: Oh, the company gave it to me.
Stewardess: You’ll get it when we land. And the glass.

The stewardess takes the wine glass.

Sharona: No!
Mr. Monk: No. No, no, no. Not the glass.

Adrian Monk stands up.

Mr. Monk: That’s material evidence.

The stewardess walks away with the lighter and the wine glass. Adrian Monk looks at Stefan Chabrol and his supposed wife.

Mr. Monk: Where did you dump her?
Stefan: Pardon me?
Mr. Monk: Your wife. What did you do with the body?

The stewardess returns.

Stefan: He’s upset. I spilled some wine on him earlier.
Stewardess: Mr. Monk, I am only gonna say this once. It is a federal offense to disobey a flight attendant.
Mr. Monk: But—
Stewardess: If you get out of your seat again. I will call the air marshals and have them meet you when we land. Sit down!

Terrified Adrian Monk returns to his seat. The flight attendant pulls out the call button and disconnects it.

Mr. Monk: What—what are you doing? You won’t be needing that again.

The stewardess angrily returns to the kitchen. She then washes the wine glass.

Stewardess: Ugh! Look at me. I’m shaking!
Steward: You’ll be fine.

The stewardess takes a small bottle of wine and drinks it.

Steward: What are you doing? I thought you’d quit.
Stewardess: I did!

Randy Disher is still at the baggage area of the airport.

Lt. Disher: Maybe it’s in one of these suitcases.
Airport Security: Not possible. Everything’s X-rayed. How late you think we’re gonna go?
Lt. Disher: I don’t know.
Airport Security: ‘cause here’s the thing. My shift ends at noon. After that, it’s overtime. Plus today’s Sunday, so that’s another 25 an hour.
Lt. Disher: He’s a pilot.
Airport Security: Yeah.
Lt. Disher: So, if he had valid I.D., he could go anywhere he wanted to, right?
Airport Security: Just about.
Lt. Disher: Okay.

Randy Disher exhales.

Lt. Disher: Okay.
Airport Security: Are you okay?
Lt. Disher: Shh! I’ve seen Monk do this a hundred times.

Randy Disher imitates Adrian Monk. He walks like Adrian Monk and even touches the lamp.
Sharona Fleming goes back to the First Class cabin to talk to Tim Daly.

Sharona: You can’t make this movie.
Tim: I can’t?
Sharona: No, no. I won’t let you. This character, Glenn, kills people.
Tim: Well, yeah. He’s a hit man.
Sharona: Okay, look. On page 57, he chops off a guy’s foot. You can’t chop off a guy’s foot. You’re Tim Daly, you’re a nice guy, and that’s why we love you.
Tim: Yeah, I just thought it would be a good change of pace.
Sharona: Okay, look. All I know is that if I go to a movie and I see you chopping off a guy’s foot, I’m gonna want my money back.
Tim: You know what? You’re right. I’m gonna pass. I’m gonna call my agent right now and leave a message.

Tim Daly takes the airplane phone and prepares to call his agent.

Sharona: Really? Because of me?

Tim Daly turns to Sharona and smiles.

Tim: You’re my guardian angel.

Tim Daly kisses Sharona Fleming on the cheek.
Back at the coach, Adrian Monk notices Stefan Chabrol’s shoes.

Mr. Monk: His shoes.
Warren: Whose shoes?
Mr. Monk: Chabrol’s. Before we left the airport, he was getting his shoes shined. That’s why he was late getting on the plane.
Warren: So?
Mr. Monk: So why would a man who just killed his wife be worried about his shoes?
Warren: Because he—I don’t know.

Adrian Monk clears his throat and whispers to Warren Beach.

Warren: I need an extension cord.

The stewardess watches Adrian Monk and leaves having not noticed anything unusual.
Adrian Monk moves over to Sharona Fleming’s chair pretending to read a magazine. Warren Beach casually hands an extension cord to him. Stefan Chabrol and his wife is sleeping. His shoes are lying on the floor. Adrian Monk forbidden to get off his chair uses the extension cord to take one of Stefan’s shoes. After several failed attempts, Adrian Monk turns to Warren Beach and whispers.

Mr. Monk: It doesn’t reach.
Warren: Call Warren Beach.

Warren Beach pulls out a longer extension cord.

Warren: May I suggest the Anaconda?

Warren Beach hands Adrian Monk the Anaconda, the longest extension cord he has, which even has a hook.

Warren: I’ll need it back. It’s the prototype.

Adrian Monk swings the extension cord then successfully hooks one of Stefan Chabrol’s shoes. He pulls the shoes to their row and they examine it.

Warren: What did he step in?
Mr. Monk: Cement.

Randy Disher is on the phone with Adrian Monk.

Lt. Disher: Did you say, cement?
Mr. Monk: Is there a construction site at the airport?

Randy Disher turns to the annoyed Airport Security.

Lt. Disher: Construction near the airport.
Airport Security: Yeah, they’re renovating the terminal. It’s right through there.
Lt. Disher: Good, let’s go.
Airport Security: Um, here’s the thing. I’m overdue for my break.
Lt. Disher: Shut up and show me where it is.

Stefan Chabrol wakes up from his sleep.

Man on P.A.: Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has turned on the seat belt sign. Please make sure that your carry on luggage is stowed underneath the seat in front of you or in the overhead bins. Thank you.

Adrian Monk calls Randy Disher.

Mr. Monk: We’re almost out of time, Randy. What have you got?
Lt. Disher; Monk, it’s a construction site, right around the corner from the ladies’ room. It’s perfect. They’ve been pouring concrete here all week. If he had security clearance, he could have carried her back here in a suitcase or something.
Construction worker: We poured the foundation this morning. It’s already hardened.
Lt. Disher: So what would it take to dig it up?
Construction worker: Four guys, a couple of drills, and a court order.
Lt. Disher: Fine. Do it. How long?
Construction worker: Hour and a half.
Lt. Disher: Monk, it’s gonna be an hour and a half to dig up.
Mr. Monk: We don’t have an hour and a half. They’re gonna be on a plane to Paris at 5:15.
Lt. Disher: Well, then, you have to stall them.

Adrian Monk hangs up.

Sharona: What did he say?
Mr. Monk: We’re gonna have to stall them.

The airplane lands and all the passengers prepare to disembark.

Warren: Well, this is a flight I’ll never forget—although I’ll sure try to. Adrian, I’ve been thinking over your theory about the French couple, and I’ve come to a conclusion. I’d like my card back.

Adrian Monk returns Warren Beach’s card.

Warren: Thank you. Bye!

At the San Francisco airport, the construction workers dig up the newly cemented ground. The airport security guard looks at his watch.

Airport Security: Sweet!
Lt. Disher: What is?
Airport Security: Double overtime.

Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming follow the Chabrols.

Aunt Minn: Sharona!

Sharona Fleming hugs her aunt.

Sharona: Oh, Aunt Minn!
Aunt Minn: Look at you!
Mr. Monk: We’re losin’ ‘em.
Aunt Minn: How was your flight?
Sharona: See that guy over there?
Mr. Monk: We need to go.
Sharona: He killed his wife and poisoned a guy on the plane.
Mr. Monk: Sharona.
Sharona: Adrian thinks he used refrigerator coolants.
Aunt Minn: We have tickets to The Music Man.
Mr. Monk: That’s one of my favorites. Excuse me.

Adrian Monk runs after the Chabrols.

Woman on P.A.: Final boarding call for Flight 17 to Paris, departing from Gate 29.

The Chabrols had already passed through the metal detectors.

Woman on P.A.: This is a final boarding call. Please check in at the desk at Gate 29 immediately.

Adrian Monk walks away and returns to Sharona Fleming and Aunt Minn.

Sharona: Disher.

Shraona Fleming hands Adrian Monk the cellular phone.

Mr. Monk: Monk here.
Lt. Disher: Monk, we’ve found something. It might be the body. We’ll know for sure in 20 minutes.

Adrian Monk sighs and breathes heavily. He turns to Sharona Fleming.

Mr. Monk: We’re too late. Disher needs 20 minutes. They’re already on the plane.

Barbara and Stefan Chabrol are already on the plane to Paris.

Woman on P.A.: Bonjour, ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard Flight 17 non-stop to Paris.

Stefan Chabrol sighs and takes his seat.

Stefan: Oh, Paris, Paris, Paris, Paris.

Adrian Monk resumes his phone conversation with Randy Disher.

Mr. Monk: Lieutenant? Lieutenant! Do you think you can find a duty roster for a flight leaving Newark?
Lt. Disher: Duty roster, yeah. I’ll see what I can do.

Randy Disher hangs up then turns to the airport security guard.

Lt. Disher: Duty roster. All flights out of Newark. Go!

Adrian Monk is on the phone.

Mr. Monk: Hi! Hello.

Adrian Monk clears his throat.

Mr. Monk: Yeah, I’m, uh, worried about a buddy of mine, uh, Captain Claude Pritchard.
Man on phone: Claude Pritchard the pilot, yeah. He’s on the tarmac right now. He’s been cleared to take off.
Mr. Monk: So, he made it okay. What a relief. Unbelievable.
Man on phone: What do you mean?
Mr. Monk: Uh, oh, he was in pretty bad shape when I left him. We were out partying all last night, and into this morning, and…we’re just…party boys.
Man on phone: Party boys?
Mr. Monk: Yeah. Yeah, it was pretty ugly there for—I tried to take his keys away, but you know how old Claude gets when he’s totally…

Sharona Fleming mouths the word hammered.

Mr. Monk: Hammered.

Stefan Chabrol and Barbara toast their wine glasses.

Woman on P.A.: Ladies and gentlemen, we have been asked to return to the gate. Please stay in your seats. We will be underway in just a few moments.

Randy Disher is on the cellular phone.

Lt. Disher: Monk, we found her. Female, mid-40s. Just like you said. I already put a call into the Newark P.D. They should be pickin’ up our guy as we speak.

The police usher the handcuffed Barbara and Stefan Chabrol as Adrian Monk, Sharona Fleming and Aunt Minn watch.

Stefan: Monsieur Monk, is it true this was your first flight?
Mr. Monk: That’s right.
Stefan: On ne peut pas tous prevenir. One cannot prepare for everything.

Tim Daly talks on the phone while he boards his chauffeured car.

Tim: Yeah. All right.
Sharona: Ooh. Excuse me.

Sharona Fleming approaches Tim Daly.

Sharona: Tim?
Tim: All right, I’ll talk to you later.
Sharona: Tim, hi, um—

Sharona Fleming chuckles.

Sharona: I wanted to give you my number. I’m gonna be in town all week.
Tim: George Clooney just signed on to the part in that movie.
Sharona: The one I read?
Tim: They’re talking to Scorcese to direct.
Sharona: Oh. He’s good.
Tim: Yeah.

Tim Daly boards his car.

Sharona: Hey, hey, um, can I tell you something? Even if it’s a blockbuster, and George Clooney wins an Oscar, I’m not gonna go see it, on principle.
Tim: Thank you.
Sharona: Uh.

Sharona Fleming giggles.

Sharona: Don’t forget this. Bye.

Sharona Fleming walks back to Aunt Minn and Adrian Monk.

Aunt Minn: Isn’t he famous?
Mr. Monk: He’s some kind of actor. Sharona’s helping him with his career.
Aunt Minn: Oh, how exciting!

Aunt Minn hugs Sharona Fleming.

Aunt Minn: Good to see you!
Sharona: Yeah, so, uh, how’s your cat doin’?
Aunt Minn: Oh, I love my kitty, you know? But I think he’s probably deaf.

Adrian Monk looks up to the sky where an airplane flies by.

Mr. Monk: It’s just not possible.

This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Mr. Monk and the Airplane” episode was written by David M. Stern. Monk is owned by Universal Media Studios in association with Mandeville Films and Touchstone Television.


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