Monday, February 18, 2008

Mr. Monk Meets Dale the Whale – Monk Transcript 1.3

Dale the whale tries to strangle Adrian MonkA 911 operator receives an emergency call.

Operator: 911 emergency.
Woman: Oh, God. He’s in the house. You’ve got to help me. He’s going to kill me.
Operator: Okay, ma’am, now just calm down. Who is in the house?
Woman: It’s Dale Biederbeck. Dale Biederbeck.
Operator: Dale Biederbeck. Ma’am what is your address?
Woman: It’s 415 Vinton. For God’s sakes, hurry.
Operator: Okay, stay with me. Is he armed? Ma’am?  Continue reading...

Woman breathes heavily.

Operator: Does he have a weapon Are you being threatened?
Woman: He doesn’t need a weapon. He’s Dale Biederbeck.

Someone growls over the phone.

Operator #2: All units, possible 556 in progress.
Operator: Ma’am, can you get to a safe place?
Woman: No, I’m upstairs. I’m trapped.
Operator: Okay, ma’am. Just stay by the phone.
Woman: Here he comes. Oh, my God!

A shadow of a man is seen from an upstairs window approaching the woman.

Woman: No! No!

The woman screams.

Operator: Ma’am?

The line disconnects.

Operator: Ma’am? Hello?

Adrian Monk is in Sharona’s house playing with Benjy. Sharona brings them a plate of snacks.

Sharona: See, isn’t this fun? Now, Adrian, this is what normal people do on a Sunday morning.

Sharona brings a pillow to his son.

Sharona: Get up.

Sharona puts the pillow on the seat where his son sits.

Sharona: They hang out, relax, eat brunch. They don’t stay at home vacuuming their rug 40 times.
Benjy: Mom, we’re not exactly normal.
Sharona: We are compared to some people.
Benjy: Okay, who do you want to be? Yellow, green, red or blue?
Mr. Monk: Oh boy—okay—uhm—Okay. Oh, boy. Uhm.
Sharona: Honey, remember we talked about how Mr. Monk has trouble making decisions?
Benjy: Oh, yeah. Okay, you’ll be Colonel Mustard.
Mr. Monk: Good.
Benjy: Now, you remember how to play? You write down all the clues on your pad.
Mr. Monk: I’m ready to guess.
Sharona: Adrian, you have to play the game. You have to go around the board from room to room collecting clues.
Mr. Monk: I know who did it.
Sharona: We haven’t started yet. Come on.
Mr. Monk: It was Professor Plum in the dining room with a rope.

Benjy looks at the envelope containing the answer.

Benjy: He’s right.
Mr. Monk: We played this game last year. I remember what cards everybody was holding and how they were put away. And then, just now. I was watching how Benjy shuffled—

Sharona Fleming gets up off her chair.

Sharona: That’s it. That—That is the last time I ever play a game with you, Adrian. You are just no fun.
Mr. Monk: Okay.
Sharona: I mean, don’t you ever wonder why you never get invited anywhere?
Mr. Monk: No. Not really.
Sharona: Well, this is why.

The phone rings.

Benjy: I think it’s awesome. Mom, can I bring him to school, please? Like for show and tell?
Sharona: You can take him every day.

Sharona Fleming answers the phone.

Sharona: Hello? Oh. Hey Captain. Yeah, he’s right here.
Sharona Fleming puts her hand over the receiver and turns to Adrian Monk.

Sharona: Stottlemeyer.

Sharona Fleming resumes talking with Leland Stottlemeyer.

Sharona: Oh, well, actually, uh, we were just finishing up a pretty big case.

Adrian Monk plays with one of the tokens. He sticks it on one of his eyelids and starts to cry in pain.

Sharona: It was this nasty homicide, um.
Mr. Monk: Ow.

Benjy laughs at Adrian Monk.

Sharona: This woman was found murdered in her dining room with a rope. Yeah. Hold on. Let me check our schedule.

Sharona Fleming turns to Adrian Monk and whispers.

Sharona: It’s a job.

Leland Stottlemeyer meets Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming at the crime scene.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, Monk. Glad you’re here. Miss Fleming.
Sharona: “Glad you’re here?” God, you must really be desperate. Usually, the mayor’s office have to shove us down your throat.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Fact is, the mayor’s office did call, but this time I did not argue. We have an unusual situation here.
Mr. Monk: Yes? What do we have?
Lt. Disher: Homicide with a baseball bat. 10:37 last night.
Mr. Monk: You know the exact time of death?
Captain Stottlemeyer: We know because she was on the phone with 911 at the time.

Leland Stottlemeyer and Randy Disher make their way to the house. Adrian Monk follows, but Sharona Fleming stops him.

Sharona: Adrian. Wait. Wait.
Mr. Monk: What?
Sharona: Uh, Captain, before we get started could you just initial this agreement?

Sharona Fleming pulls out a contract from her purse.

Sharona: It’s our standard consultation fee.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It’s what?
Sharona: Our standard consultation fee.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Could we take care of that later, Sharona?
Mr. Monk: Not now.
Sharona: Adrian. I prefer to take care of business first.
Lt. Disher: Bet that’s not the first time you’ve said that.
Sharona: Bite me.

Leland Stottlemeyer grabs the agreement from Sharona Fleming.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Give me that.

Adrian Monk studies the foot impressions on the dirt.

Mr. Monk: Whoa. Look at this prints. This was a big guy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, he really was a big guy. Parked near by. Maybe around the corner. Walked through here and went in through the side door.
Lt. Disher: Yeah, and the lock’s still intact. It wasn’t jimmied. She must have left it open.
Mr. Monk: And what’s all this?

Adrian Monk turns his gaze to a number of rocks scattered on the lawn.

Captain Stottlemeyer: These are rocks from the garden. Killer left them like this.
Lt. Disher: It’s a message. He’s toying with us. Some sort of code, but I haven’t been able to figure it out yet.
Mr. Monk: You think the killer stopped here in plain view of the neighbors, went rooting around in the garden, collected a few rocks and them arranged them carefully on the grass?
Captain Stottlemeyer: What do you think?
Mr. Monk: I think he was looking for a hide-a-key.
Sharona: I found it.

Sharona Fleming picks up one of the rocks. Splits it open to reveal a hide-a-key.
Adrian Monk enters the ransacked house.

Mr. Monk: Oh, man. Oh, God. I don’t feel so good. This is like a feng shui nightmare in here.
Sharona: Adrian, you gotta calm down. You’re rambling. Come on.

Adrian Monk walks over to a piece of furniture and attempts to fix it.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Mon. Monk. Monk.
Mr. Monk: Was there a fire? I—I smell something.
Lt. Disher: In the kitchen.

Adrian Monk turns his attention to a lamp that was knocked over and quickly puts it in the right position.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, hey, hey. It’s a crime scene.
Mr. Monk: Okay. I know. I’m just—
Sharona: It’s okay. I’ll knock it all over again. Don’t worry.
Mr. Monk: How many intruders?

Leland Stottlemeyer and Randy Disher look at each other.

Mr. Monk: Are you guys gonna tell me what’s going on?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Not yet.

Adrian Monk looks around and sees another lamp that was knocked over and quickly puts it in the upright position.

Sharona: Adrian, please.
Mr. Monk: How many intruders?
Lt. Disher: Just one.
Mr. Monk: One. Just one.

Adrian Monk sets his eye at another piece of furniture.

Mr. Monk: Just one—
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, leave it.

Adrian Monk looks up to the ceiling.

Mr. Monk: What’s—what’s with this?
Captain Stottlemeyer: That’s a smoke alarm.

Adrian Monk points at the smoke alarm that was pried open.

Captain Stottlemeyer: She was in the kitchen cooking something when he broke in. It started to burn.
Lt. Disher: A little girl across the street saw the guy turning it off.
Mr. Monk: So there was a witness?
Lt. Disher: She’s 10 years old. She didn’t see much.
Captain Stottlemeyer:: So the perp breaks in. He goes berserk in here. The victim runs upstairs and calls 911.
Mr. Monk: It’s strange.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What’s strange.
Mr. Monk: The phone. He didn’t take the phone off the hook. So, what? He just let her call 911.

Adrian Monk inspects the kitchen. He opens the fridge and finds leftovers from a restaurant.

Mr. Monk: Any prints?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Nope, nothing so far.
Mr. Monk: So, she’s here cooking. He breaks in. He’s a big guy. Lot of noise.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He must’ve cornered her in here, and then chased her out and caught up with her in the bedroom?
Mr. Monk: I would’ve grabbed a knife.

Adrian Monk points at a knife rack with all the knives still in there.

Mr. Monk: Why didn’t she grab a knife?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don’t know.

Adrian Monk studies the bedroom.

Captain Stottlemeyer: She was over here on the phone. Severe blunt trauma to the head with a baseball bat.

Adrian Monk looks at the phone by the nightstand.

Mr. Monk: Has this phone been touched?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, no. The scene’s intact.

Adrian Monk gestures for a handkerchief. He picks up the receiver and punches a button. The phone beeps. He listens and only hears static. He pulls up the antenna.

Mr. Monk: The antenna has to be up to get a signal in here.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So?
Mr. Monk: Somebody lowered it all the way after the call. You don’t usually see that when someone’s getting bludgeoned to death.

Adrian Monk looks at a photograph by the night stand.

Mr. Monk: Oh no, this can’t be the victim.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yep.
Mr. Monk: I recognize her. Wasn’t she a judge?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Katherine Lavinio. State Superior Court.
Sharona: We should check the court records. Somebody probably just lost a case and held a grudge.
Captain Stottlemeyer: We don’t have to check anything, because we know who did it.
Mr. Monk: What?
Captain Stottlemeyer: The judge identified him…by name on the phone.
Sharona: Then why are we here?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Because the man who did it couldn’t have done it.

Dale Biederbeck’s doctor enters his bedroom where the morbidly obese Biederbeck lays flat on his bed.

Man on phone: I’m sorry, Mr. Biederbeck, that’s out of the question.
Biederbeck: Hold on. Hold on. Now is it Danny or Daniel?
Man on phone: Danny, sir.
Biederbeck: Fine, Danny. If you screw with me. I’ll eat your heart on a stick. Now the SEC—
Man on phone: My boss is busy right now, sir.
Biederbeck: I know your boss is busy, Danny. I’m watching him. Tell him Dale Biederbeck wants an answer now, not later.
Man on phone: Yes, sir.
Biederbeck: Now, is he in or out? If he’s in, tell him to…clean his glasses.

Dale Biederbeck watches a conference on a TV where an aide whispers to a congressman and the congressman quickly removes his glasses and cleans it.

Biederbeck: Congratulate the congressman, he’s just been reelected to a fifth term.

Dale Biederbeck chuckles, turns off his phone and reaches for a plate of corndogs.

Biederbeck: Oh, it’s better than the Home Shopping Network.

Dale Biederbeck’s doctor takes the plate away from him.

Biederbeck: Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I’m not finished!
Dr. Vezza: This stuff will kill you.
Biederbeck: I’m not gonna die. You won’t let me, will you, Doctor? Ooh, ooh, ooh. Right on time.

Dale Biederbeck watches the security camera monitor that displays the view from his elevator. Leland Stottlemeyer, Randy Disher, Sharona Fleming and Adrian Monk are on the screen.
Inside the elevator, Sharona Fleming asks Adrian Monk.

Sharona: Dale Biederbeck?
Mr. Monk: They call him Dale the Whale.
Sharona: I never heard of him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He spends a fortune every year making sure nobody ever hears of him. He buys newspapers just to keep his name out of them.

Elevator dings. Leland Stottlemeyer, Sharona Fleming, Adrian Monk and Randy Disher step out. A security camera follows their movement.

Captain Stottlemeyer: All right, I want everybody to be careful in there. This guy is smart. He’s gonna try to bait you. Assume you’re being videotaped. Do not accuse him of anything. Now, Monk, I don’t have to remind you that this bastard’s got deep pockets, and he’s got a platoon of lawyers and he loves to use them.
Sharona: You met him? What happened?

Doctor Christiaan Vezza meets the police and Adrian Monk.

Dr. Vezza: Good afternoon. I’m Christiaan Vezza. I am Mr. Biederbeck’s personal physician.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I’m Captain Stottlemeyer, Lieutenant Disher, Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming.
Dr. Vezza: Sharona, enchante.
Lt. Disher: Could you spell your last name for me, Doctor?
Dr. Vezza: V-E-Z-Z-A. Mr. Biederbeck is expecting you.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Really? Well, I didn’t tell him we were coming.
Dr. Vezza: Mr. Biederbeck is never surprised.

They enter the bedroom. Dale the whale lies flat on his bed.

Biederbeck: Well, my, my, my, it’s the boys in blue. And the former boy in blue. Forgive me if I don’t get up.

Dale the whale’s pet dog starts growling.

Biederbeck: Now, now, now. Come on now, Bentley. I’m sorry. He hates copes.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Biederbeck. I am Captain Stottlemeyer. This is Lieutenant Disher and this is Adrian Monk.
Biederbeck: Oh, I know Adrian Monk. How long has it been, my friend?
Mr. Monk: Seven years.
Biederbeck: Seven years! You look good. How do I look?
Mr. Monk: You look great, Dale. Hardly recognized you.
Dr. Vezza: Mr. Biederbeck has lost 104 pounds since March. It’s my own patented diet. High-protien juices and shakes.
Mr. Monk: Of course, the hard part is keeping it off.
Biederbeck: And this must be Sharona. The little nurse that saved his life. Come here, my dear. Let me get a look at you.

Dale the whale gestures for Sharona to come near him.

Biederbeck: Come on. I won’t bite. Come closer.

Sharona Fleming walks close to Dale the Whale. Bentley starts growling. Dale the whale forcibly pulls Sharona Fleming.

Biederbeck: Tell me, are you still doing house calls?
Sharona: Um, I—I don’t do that anymore.
Biederbeck: Oh, that’s a shame. Call me if you change your mind. You know, my night nurse just quit. Didn’t give notice, can you imagine?

Dale the whale breathes loudly and slides a button from his hi-tech control panel.

Biederbeck: Excuse me.

Light flickers on top of Randy Disher who is standing by the window.

Biederbeck: Excuse me, putz? You’re blocking the view. It’s really all I have.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Biederbeck, we are investigating the murder of Judge Katherine Lavinio. I believe you knew her.
Biederbeck: Knew her very well. She was a political slug, and I wasn’t shy about saying so. Her antitrust ruling cost me $210 million.

Sharona Fleming wipes the hand that Dale the whale held.

Biederbeck: And this was back when $210 million was a lot of money. Whoever killed her did a favor.

Leland Stottlemeyer shows Dale the whale the bat used to kill Judge Lavinio.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Is this your bat?
Biederbeck: Captain, do I look like I play a lot of baseball?
Lt. Disher: Well, how do you explain your initials, D.B. on the handle?
Biederbeck: Well, the question really is, how do you explain it, Peewee? Maybe you put them there.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Are you accusing us of tampering?
Biederbeck: Wouldn’t dream of it. But I could probably convince a jury of it. The first 20 numbers on my speed-dial are all lawyers. Shall I call one? Adrian, by the way, I was very sorry to hear about Trudy. I know she was your beloved, and I heard that during our little difficulty, you never left her side. Not even once.

Dale the whale clicks his tongue.

Mr. Monk: Where were you last night, about 10:30?
Biederbeck: Last night? Let me see. 10:30. Um, oh, yes. I was here. I haven’t left this bed in 11 years. Even if I could, I can’t make it through the door. I’m five-and-a-half-feet wide if you haven’t noticed. More of me to love, Sharona. I know what you’re thinking. Is he really that big? What’s under those covers?
Dr. Vezza: I would confirm and swear under oath that my patient weighs over 800 pounds. He’s not faking anything.
Biederbeck: Excuse me, are you my lawyer? Are you my lawyer?
Dr. Vezza: No, sir.
Biederbeck: Then shut up! And stop defending me. Your job is very simple. You keep me alive. Can you handle that?
Dr. Vezza: Yes.
Biederbeck: Good. Where were we?

Doctor Christiaan Vezza pulls out something from his pocket.

Biedreback: Bread and butter.
Mr. Monk: What?
Biederbeck: Bread and butter. Those were Trudy’s last words, weren’t they? The transcript of the coroner’s inquest is a matter of public record. The Internet, Monk, it’s the fat man’s best friend. It’s been troubling me for years. What could she have meant? Bread and butter.
Mr. Monk: Got to hell.

Dale the whale chuckles.

Biederbeck: No doubt I will.

Adrian Monk makes his way to the window.

Biederbeck: I just hope it’s handicapped accessible.

Dale the whale’s maid enters the room.

Biederbeck: No, no, no, no. Nunca me interrumpas. Dije que no!

The poor maid is terrified.

Biederbeck: Afuera! Afuera!

The maid mumbles and leaves the room.

Biederbeck: A trained monkey could do better.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Biederbeck, this is not a joke. We have evidence and it is overwhelming.
Biederbeck: Is it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, it is. You have motive. You were identified by name on the 911 call. A child in the neighborhood saw you in the judge’s house that night.
Biederbeck: Oh, my God, that sounds like a strong case, Captain. What do you think, Monk?
Mr. Monk: I think you killed her.
Biederbeck: Prove it.

Randy Disher measures the door with a tape measure.

Lt. Disher: There’s no way. Forty-five inches. There’s no way, Captain. The—the elevator’s even smaller.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What do you think?
Mr. Monk: He did it. That’s all I know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: How about a crane through the window? A construction crane lowered him to the street?
Mr. Monk: Without anybody noticing? It’s impossible.

Doctor Christiaan Vezza steps out of Dale the whale’s room.

Dr. Vezza: Gentlemen. Sharona. Welcome to the freak house.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Excuse me. Doctor, how long have you worked for Biederbeck?
Biederbeck: I met him nine years ago while I was writing an article on the morbidly obese.
Dr. Vezza: He funded my clinic and all my research. In exchange, I am on call 24 hours a day. I sold my soul to the human wrecking ball. Will you excuse me?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Helicopter. How about a helicopter?

Doctor Christiaan Vezza gives Sharona Fleming a glass of water.

Dr. Vezza: I thought you could use this.
Sharona: Thank you.

Sharona Fleming clears her throat.

Dr. Vezza: So you’re a nurse?
Sharona: Mmm, I was.
Dr. Vezza: Where did you intern?

Sharona Fleming takes a sip from her glass of water.

Sharona: Modesto General.
Dr. Vezza: So you knew Michelle Bletched?
Sharona: Oh, oh, my God, yes.

Doctor Christiaan Vezza and Sharona Fleming laugh.

Sharona: “The Wretched Miss Bletched”.

Doctor Christiaan Vezza clears his throat and speaks in a falsetto voice imitating a woman’s voice.

Dr. Vezza: Attention, everyone. Attention. This is not a drill.
Sharona: God.

Sharona Fleming laughs.

Sharona: That. That is amazing. You sound just like her.

Doctor Christiaan Vezza imitates Katharine Hepburn.

Dr. Vezza: Yes, you should hear my Katharine Hepburn.
Sharona: That’s very good. Very good.

Sharona Fleming clears her throat and takes a sip from her glass of water.

Sharona: Well, uh, thank you. Thank you.

Sharon Fleming hands the glass to Doctor Christiaan Vezza.

Dr. Vezza: I would, uh—I would love to buy you a real drink sometime. When do you get off work?
Sharona: In December. No.

Sharona Fleming laughs.

Sharona: Little joke.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Excuse me, Doctor. Now, if Biederbeck is too big to get out of the room, how’d he get there in the first place? He’s like a ship in a bottle.
Dr. Vezza: Well, when he first bought the apartment, he weighed a mere 422 pounds. He could still walk. On a good day, he could see his toes. Then his mother died, and he had a complete breakdown. He started bingeing. He would call restaurants and order everything on the menu.

Dale the whale watches and listens to everything that was said in the anteroom.

Dr. Vezza: He topped out at 927 pounds. That was a decade ago. He has not left the room since.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Like I said, it’s just not possible.

Adrian Monk puts a jellybean on a replica of a justice scale.

Judge: Request denied.
Lt. Disher: Your Honor, this is a very unusual case. If you’ll just let me explain the details.
Man: Denied, Lieutenant. How can I issue a search warrant? Your so-called primary suspect can’t possibly be guilty.

Adrian Monk continues to drop jellybeans on the scale.

Judge: He can’t leave the room or go down the elevator.

Adrian Monk drops another one and a large clink on the scale distracts everybody.

Sharona: Adrian.
Judge: It’s all right, Miss Fleming. Mr. Monk is an old friend.
Lt. Disher: Your Honor—

Loud clinking.

Lt. Disher: Your Honor, Mr. Biederbeck may not weigh as much as he claims.
Judge: I have a deposition here from Dr. Vezza, his personal physician, as well as two other physicians.

Sharona cringes as another loud clinking eminates.

Judge: Did Biederbeck ever threaten the victim?
Lt. Disher: No. Not exactly.
Judge: Did he confess to the crime?
Mr. Monk: He’s too smart for that. But he did it, judge. And he wants us to know he did it. He’s rubbing our faces in it.

Adrian Monk resumes with the jellybean dropping.

Lt. Disher: Your Honor, he was identified by name on a 911 tape.
Judge: Now, I don’t like this any more than you do, Lieutenant.

Another loud clinking startles Sharona Fleming.

Judge: Kate Lavinio was a friend of mine. We had dinner at Tuscany’s the night she was murdered. But the law is the law. You tell me how Biederbeck could have possibly committed the crime, and I will serve this warrant, personally.

Sharona Fleming, Randy Disher and Adrian Monk make their way to the elevator. Randy Disher is on the phone with Leland Stottlemeyer at the same time.

Lt. Disher: Uh-huh. Yes, sir.

Randy Disher hangs up his cell phone.

Lt. Disher: That was Captain. He said it’s okay to go ahead with Plan “B”.
Sharona: What’s Plan “B”?
Lt. Disher: Sharona going undercover as Biederbeck’s nurse.
Mr. Monk: What?
Sharona: Thanks for consulting me.
Lt. Disher: She still has her license, right? I mean, Biederbeck needs a nurse. The other one just quit.
Mr. Monk: No. Absolutely not. I forbid it. Sharona, she’s not a police officer.
Sharona: Well, neither are you.
Mr. Monk: What?
Sharona: What, you don’t think I can handle this?
Mr. Monk: What are talking about? Forget this. I know Biederbeck, you don’t. He’s dangerous. This man is capable of anything.
Sharona: He weighs 804 pounds. What is he gonna do, break wind on me?
Mr. Monk: Let me explain the arrangement here. I’m the employer. You work for me. I get to say what goes, and I say no.

Sharona Fleming goes undercover as Dale the whale’s nurse. She hangs a piece of cloth on one of the security cameras.

Biederbeck: Yoo-hoo, Sharona?

Sharona looks through a desk. A buzzing sound is heard.

Biederbeck: Come out, come out wherever you are.

The buzzing sound continues. Sharona Fleming opens the cabinet

Biederbeck: I know you can hear me. Hello.

Sharona Fleming sees a bunch of videotapes. She gasps.

Sharona: Oh, my God.

Beiderbeck: Florence Nightingale? I need food.

Buzzing sound continues.

Sharona: Crap.

Sharona Fleming runs to Dale the whale’s bedroom.

Biederbeck: Oh, there you are. Didn’t you hear the buzzer? I’m starving. I’m wasting away here.
Sharona: Sorry.
Biederbeck: Where were you?
Sharona: I was in the kitchen. I couldn’t find a tray.
Biederbeck: Liar, liar. Remember, there re no secretes in the house of Biederbeck. You should know that. Ow, hold on. You know. Conroy is looking tired.

Sharona Fleming places a bib on Dale the whale.

Biederbeck: Why don’t you put in a left-hander.

Dale the whale watches baseball. Classical music plays.

Biederbeck: Feed me.

Bentley yips. Sharona sits beside Dale the whale with a bowl of spaghetti.

Biederbeck: Mmm. Oh, you know, most of my other nurses sit on the chair. You must be attracted to me.

Dale the whale smacks his lips. Sharona Fleming feeds Dale the whale.

Sharona: Look, I-I’m just tring to do my job. Okay?
Biederbeck: So, did you find what you were looking for?
Sharona: What do you mean?
Biederbeck: Don’t be clever with me, Sharona. You’re not up to it, I know that. Monk sent you here to spy on me. No, he didn’t. You decided to come on your own. Fantastic.
Sharona: That—that’s not true.
Biederbeck: Of course it is. Hey, did he tell you about his wife and me?
Sharona: I know all about ti.
Biederbeck: No, you don’t. He didn’t tell you. He’s too ashamed. See, nine years ago, his beloved Trudy wrote a piece on me in which she said I was the Genghis Khan of world finance. So I sued her and he rag that published the piece. Now, I knew I couldn’t win, but I dragged things on long enough that eventually Mr. and Mrs. Monk had to sell everything. Even that cute little starter house they lived in. You know who owns it now?
Sharona: You.
Biederbeck: Mm-hmm, I use it to store my pornography collection. Which reminds me, are you interested in earning a little extra money?

Sharona Fleming gets up and turns her back at Dale the whale.

Biederback: Oh. Oh, come on, now. Don’t be like that. I mean, after all, Sharona. I know how you paid your rent back in Miami.

Bentley yips. Sharona reaches for the dog.

Sharona: What kind of dog is that?

Sharona Fleming makes a kissing sound.

Biederbeck: Sweetheart, if you want to feel my stomach, all you have to do is ask.
Sharona: No, I wasn’t trying—
Biederbeck: Of course you were, you were thinking “My God, can he really be that big, or is it a trick?” Let’s find out shall we.

Dale the whale pulls up his gown.

Biederbeck: Totally—

Dale the whale speaks with a tune.

Biederbeck: Alfrescooooo—

Sharona Fleming gags.

Sharona: Oh, my God.

Back in Sharona Fleming’s house, Benjy knocks on the bathroom door.

Benjy: Mom, are you okay? You’ve been in there all morning.
Sharona: Go away!
Benjy: Mr. Monk is here.
Sharona: Tell him I hate my job and I quit.
Benjy: I’ve never seen her freak out like this.
Mr. Monk: I told her not to go!

Toilet flushes. Sharona Fleming who is still in her nurse uniform opens the bathroom door. She sighs.

Sharona: In case you’re wondering. Yes, he really is that fat, okay? He’s Orca! He’s horrific!

Sharona Fleming slams the bathroom door at Benjy and Adrian Monk’s face. She opens it again.

Sharona: He also had videotapes of the judge.
Mr. Monk: What kind of tapes?

The phone rings and Benjy makes his way to answer it.

Sharona: Interviews she did for TV. He had about 10 of ‘em.

Sharona Fleming shuts the bathroom door.

Mr. Monk: Wait.

Benjy answers the phone.

Benjy: Hello? Yeah, he’s here.

Benjy turns to Adrian Monk.

Benjy: It’s for you.

Adrian Monk makes his way to the phone. Puts on an oven mit and takes the receiver from Benjy.

Mr. Monk: Hello.
Biederbeck: Bread and butter.

Dale the whale is on his bed that has been moved closer to the window.

Biederbeck: Bread and butter. It’s been driving me crazy. What could she possibly have meant? Bread and butter. I figure it was a message. A secret message just for you.
Mr. Monk: What can I do for you, Dale?
Biederbeck: Well, I’m a little worried about Sharona. She sort of fell apart on us last night. I’m really not sure if we can count on her, Adrian.
Mr. Monk: You have other things to worry about.
Biederbeck: You can’t scare me. Don’t even try. You’re meek. Meeky, meek, meek.

A bell rings.

Biederbeck: Ooh, ooh. Gotta go. The Munich markets are closing. Toodle-loo.

Adrian Monk meets with Dr. Kroger.

Dr. Kroger: I’m sorry—I’m sorry I’m eating my lunch, but you know, I only take 20 minutes for lunch.
Mr. Monk: No, no, no, no. I appreciate you squeezing me in.
Dr. Kroger: Yeah, okay. So, uh. We were talking about Dale the Whale.

Dr. Kroger has sauce on his chin.

Mr. Monk: His name is, uh—his name is Biederbeck.
Dr. Kroger: Yeah, I know. He owns my building.
Mr. Monk: I’m not surprised. He owns half the city with, uh,

Adrian Monk licks the side of his face.

Mr. Monk: You know, with an option on the other half.

Dr. Kroger chuckles.

Dr. Kroger: Well, do you think he had like—like a vendetta against, uh, Trudy?
Mr. Monk: It was grueling. I would find her sitting in the car in the driveway crying.

Adrian Monk wipes the side of his mouth.

Mr. Monk: It was the worst year of her life. She only had 34. He stole on of them.
Dr. Kroger: So, so, now. He’s a suspect in this homicide case. So, how does that make you feel?
Mr. Monk: I—I—I hate the man. Is that wrong?
Dr. Kroger: No. No. I think it would be unsusual if—you didn’t--

Adrian Monk continues to wipe the side of his mouth.

Dr. Kroger: What, is there something wrong?
Mr. Monk: Uh—

Adrian Monk pulls out a notepad from his suit pocket and starts writing. He peels out the note and slides it over to Doctor Kroger. The doctor laughs.

Dr. Kroger: Yeah, uh, tomato sauce on chin.

Doctor Kroger pulls out a napkin from a paper bag and wipes the sauce off his chin.

Dr. Kroger: Okay. Good. Thank—thank you, Adrian.

Adrian Monk points at the paper bag.

Mr. Monk: What is that?
Dr. Kroger: That is a doggie bag. My wife and I went out for dinner last night.
Mr. Monk: And you couldn’t finish? You were full?
Dr. Kroger: Yeah. That’s right.

Adrian Monk stands up.

Mr. Monk: You were full. You—you brought the rest home in a doggie bag.
Dr. Kroger: Am—am I missing something here?

Sharona Fleming and Adrian Monk revisit the crime scene.

Sharona: Adrian, do you know who asked me out?
Mr. Monk: Hmm?
Sharona: I’ll give you a hint. He’s a doctor.
Mr. Monk: Kervorkian?
Sharona: Very funny. Christiaan Vezza. I just love that name, Christiaan. You know who he’s named after? Christiaan Barnard, who performed the first human heart transplants.
Mr. Monk: Yes, I know who Christiaan Barnard was. Help me out here. She lives alone. She’s about to start cooking something. Stir fried beef. That’s a meal, not a bedtime snack.
Sharona: So?
Mr. Monk: Why?
Sharona: Maybe she was hungry.
Mr. Monk: No. She went out to eat that night. Remember?

Adrian Monk opens the fridge.

Mr. Monk: Doggie bags. She couldn’t finish her dinner. So, why was she cooking?
Sharona Fleming: I have no idea.
Mr. Monk: Maybe she wasn’t. Maybe after she was dead, the killer came back downstairs…to cook something himself.
Sharona: Why?
Mr. Monk: To make smoke. To set off the smoke alarm in there.

Sharona Fleming notices a picture on the fridge.

Sharona: My God. That’s Dale Biederbeck’s housekeeper.

Adrian Monk rearranges the figurines on the housekeeper’s coffee table.

Mr. Monk: You worked for the judge. You cleaned her house?
Housekeeper: Then what happened? The man, el gordo—

Adrian Monk continues fussing with the figurines.

Sharona: Adrian, stop it.
Housekeeper: The fat man. The big whale, he called me. He offered me more money. More than double to work for him.

Adrian Monk reaches for another figurine. Sharona Fleming stops him.

Sharona: Adrian—
Mr. Monk: I know. I know.
Housekeeper: And then, the man—the fat man—he was always asking me questions about the judge. When did she work? Who were her friends? How late does she sleep?

The housekeeper scoffs.

Housekeeper: I tried not to answer.

The housekeeper speaks in Spanihs.

Housekeeper: But he kept asking.
Mr. Monk: Did he ask you how she locked her doors?
Housekeeper: Yeah.
Mr. Monk: And you told him about the hide-a-key? The key in the rock?
Housekeeper: Oh, Senor Monk.

The housekeeper becomes distraught.

Housekeeper: Lo siento. Perdoname!

The housekeeper continues speaking in Spanish.

Mr. Monk: It’s okay.

The housekeeper embraces Adrian Monk and continues to plead.

Mr. Monk: It’s okay.
Sharona: You know what, we gotta go now.
Mr. Monk: Shh, shh, shh. Now, don’t, don’t. No, no.
Sharona: Thank you very much. Thank you.
Mr. Monk: It’s good. It’s all good.
Sharona: We’re gonna go now. We gotta go.

Adrian Monk breaks free from the housekeeper.

Mr. Monk: We have to go, Sharona, just give me one more second.

The housekeeper continues her whimpering. Adrian Monk rearranges the figurines one last time.
Back at the police station, Leland Stottlemeyer is in his office.

Lt. Disher: What time is it?

Leland Stottlemeyer looks at his watch.

Captain Stottlemeyer: No, don’t ask.

Randy Disher looks at his watch and both policemen sigh.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Whew.
Lt. Disher: Oh—

Randy Disher sniffs.

Lt. Disher: Okay. Okay. Okay. Maybe we’re looking at this all wrong. Maybe he killed her in his apartment, and then he somehow moved the body back to her house.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. What about the 911 call? She made it from the house.
Lt. Disher: Right. What about liposuction?
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Lt. Disher: Liposuction. Yeah. He “lipoed” himself down to, like uh, I don’t know, like, 400 pounds. Down the elevator, crossed town, killed the judge.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, how did he gain all the weight back?
Lt. Disher: Reverse liposuction.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God.
Lt. Disher: Yeah, he just pumped it all back in.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You think that’s possible?
Lt. Disher: I don’t know. Should I call a doctor?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No.

Leland Stottlemeyer chuckles.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Let’s keep our reverse liposuction theory to ourselves. Okay, Randy?

Sharona Fleming and Adrian Monk approach two young girls selling lemonade.

Sharona: Hi, uh, which one of you is Sue Ellen?

One of the girls raises her hand.

Sharona: Hi, my name is Sharona, and this is my friend Mr. Monk.

Adrian Monk gives a peace sign.

Sharona: He just wants to ask you a couple of questions, uh, about what you saw the night that the judge was, um—
Sue Ellen: Brutally slain.
Sharona: Yeah. That’s right.
Girl #2: Is he a policeman?
Sharona: He was.
Sue Ellen: What happened?
Mr. Monk: I had a breakdown. I was nearly catatonic for about three and a half years.
Sue Ellen: I already talked to the real police. Three times.
Sharona: I know, but Mr. Monk has a different way of looking at things.
Girl #2: Make them buy some lemonade.
Sue Ellen: I’ll only talk if you buy some lemonade. That’s the rule.
Sharona: Oh, okay.
Sue Ellen: He has to buy some too.

Sue Ellen’s friend starts pouring lemonade.

Mr. Monk: No, no, thanks.
Sharona: But some lemonade.
Mr. Monk: Okay, fine. I’ll just have a small—very, very small—

Sue Ellen takes a pinch of sugar and drops it in Adrian Monk’s lemonade. Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming take their glass.

Sue Ellen: It’s our own recipe.

Adrian Monk forces himself to drink the lemonade.

Mr. Monk: Hmm. That hit the spot. Thank you. Okay, now it’s your turn. I want you to think back to that night. You were walking your dog.
Sue Ellen: Yeah, I was walking my dog by the big house over there. Like I do every night. The smoke alarm went off, so I looked.
Mr. Monk: And…what did you see?

Sue Ellen points at the pitcher of lemonade. Adrian Monk sighs.

Mr. Monk: You familiar with the term extortion?

The girls pour another glass of lemonade and picks out a bug that landed in it.
Adrian Monk looks at Sharona Fleming. She whispers to him.

Sharona: Just drink it.
Mr. Monk: Go on.
Sue Ellen: So I looked, and I saw this really fat guy in the house. No, I mean like, really fat. Like, fat fat.
Mr. Monk: Yeah, fat.
Sue Ellen: Then he opened the curtains, stood on the chair and turned off the alarm.
Mr. Monk: Okay, Sue Ellen. I just want to be absolutely sure. The alarm sounded, and then you saw the curtains open up?

Sue Ellen points at the lemonade pitcher. Her friend pours another glass.

Mr. Monk: Oh, look at that.

Adrian Monk points his finger, but the girls did not buy it. He drinks the glass of lemonade.

Mr. Monk: Is that right? Smoke alarm and then the curtains?
Sue Ellen: Yep.
Sharona: Why would he open the curtains before he turns off the alarm?
Mr. Monk: He was putting on a show.
Sue Ellen: What kind of show?
Mr. Monk: He was putting on a show for you.

Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming visit Doctor Christiaan Vezza’s office. The annoyed receptionist looks at Adrian Monk.

Sharona: Adrian. Adrian. Sit and stop it.
Mr. Monk: Okay.
Sharona: Just sit.

Adrian Monk takes his seat.

Sharona: Adrian, Adrian, you know how much I like this guy. Dr. Vezza, right?
Mr. Monk: Uh-huh.
Sharona: Okay. Now, look at me, please. I know you’re gonna embarrass me, and I know you can’t help yourself. But I am just aksing you---No, you know what, I am begging you, if you can just try not to embarrass me too much.
Mr. Monk: Uh-huh.

Adrian Monk stands up.

Sharona: Just one or two questions and you’re done.

Doctor Christiaan Vezza meets Sharona Fleming and Adrian Monk.

Mr. Monk: Oh, doctor, doctor, sorry to bother you. I hope this isn’t a bad time.
Dr. Vezza: Actually, I’m in the middle of a session, but, uh,

Doctor Christiaan Vezza looks at his watch.

Dr. Vezza: Yes, I think I can spare a few minutes.

Doctor Christiaan Vezza turns to Sharona Fleming.

Dr. Vezza: Hey there.
Sharona: Hi.
Dr. Vezza: I’m, uh, really looking forward to Friday night, I hope you like Thai.
Sharona: Oh, I love Thai.
Dr. Vezza: Oh, good. Because there’s a new place at the Embarcadero that I hear is just fantastic.
Mr. Monk: Doctor, uh, just wanted to ask you, uh.
Sharona: One.
Mr. Monk: Couple of questions about your benefactor Mr. Biederbeck. Miss Fleming was at his apartment last night—
Dr. Vezza: I heard. Whatever he paid you, it wasn’t enough.
Mr. Monk: While she was there, Miss Fleming happened to notice some videotapes of Judge Lavinio. Do you know anything about them?
Dr. Vezza: Yes, I recorded them. They were, uh, TV interviews, uh, news clips.
Sharona: We’re fine with that. You’re done.
Mr. Monk: Yes, and do you know why Mr. Biederbeck wanted them?
Dr. Vezza: He was absolutely obsessed with her. He wanted to know everything about her.
Mr. Monk: Ad, doctor—
Sharona: Oh, my God. What is that?

Sharona Fleming points at something by the window.

Dr. Vezza: Ah, this is the self-esteem mirror. It’s one of my inventions.

Sharona Fleming and Doctor Christiaan Vezza stands in front of it.

Dr. Vezza: Now, this is what you look like, and this is the inner you.

Doctor Christiaan Vezza presses a button.

Dr. Vezza: This is the you we’re working toward.

Adrian Monk fixes a newspaper clipping that has been framed and hung on the doctor’s office.

Sharona: I-I love this. Best bud, right?
Dr. Vezza: Excuse me.

Doctor Christiaan Vezza goes over to Adrian Monk.

Dr. Vezza: I see you found another of my inventions.

Doctor Christiaan Vezza helps Adrian Monk fix the picture frame.

Dr. Vezza: The empathy suit.
Sharona: Dr. Vezza? Who had a birthday?

Sharona Fleming points at the balloons.

Dr. Vezza: Oh, mine, actually. Last week. You missed a great party.

Adrian Monk reads the writings on the party balloons.

Mr. Monk: You’re 37.
Dr. Vezza: Yes, I was conceived during the big blackout of 1965.
Mr. Monk: Would you excuse me?

Adrian Monk makes his way out of the doctor’s office. Sharona Fleming follows him.

Sharona: We really have to work on our “Not embarrassing Sharona skills”.
Mr. Monk: 37.
Sharona: What?
Mr. Monk: He’s 37.
Sharona: So what?
Mr. Monk: If he’s 37 years old, then I know how the judge was killed.

Dale the whale lies flat on his enormous bed inhaling oxygen from a gas mask. He removes the mask from his face. Doctor Christiaan Vezza injects medicine into Dale the whale’s IV.

Biederbeck: Did you get the red dress I sent you?
Woman: This is too weird just talking to a camera.

Dale the whale watches the woman on a screen monitor.

Woman: Do you want me to wear it?
Biederbeck: That’s the idea, sweetheart.

Elevator bell dings. Doctor Christiaan Vezza and Dale the whale watch as Leland Stottlemeyer steps out of the elevator.

Dr. Vezza: It’s Captain Stottlemeyer.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hello, Mr. Biederbeck.
Biederbeck: Captain. I really wish you would’ve called. I’m a little busy at the moment. I’m here to arrest you for the murder of Judge Kate Lavinio.

Leland Stottlemeyer pulls out an envelope and throws it at Dale the whale.

Captain Stottlemeyer: That’s a warrant. Duly sworn.

Dale the whale turns to the screen monitor where the woman has undressed and is putting on the red dress.

Biederbeck: Sweetheart, I’m gonna have to call you back.

Dale the whale turns off the monitor.

Biederbeck: Doctor, will you call Howard Klein and tell him we’re suing the city for malicious prosecution…again.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I have hired a local construction company to take out this door.

Leland Stottlemeyer points at the French doors that lead to the balcony.

Captain Stottlemeyer: We’re gonna get a crane here and lower your fat ass down to the street.

Dale the whale laughs.

Biederbeck: A crane? Oh, that’s rich. But would you mind explaining to me how I’m supposed to have killed the bitch? I can’t leave this room, remember?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Monk!
Biederbeck: Well, my, my, my.

Adrian Monk followed by Sharona Fleming and an officer carrying chairs enter the room..

Biederbeck: It’s the defective detective once more. Lay it on me, Einstein.
Mr. Monk: These two chairs are from the judge’s house. The killer stood on one of them when he turned off the smoke alarm. A girl in the neighborhood saw, quote, a very, very fat man standing on it.

Adrian Monk moves closer to the chairs.

Mr. Monk: But there’s something funny about the chair. It’s not broken. This is Sergeant Cargill from the 14th Precinct. Sergeant, how much do you weigh?
Sgt. Cargill: 265.
Mr. Monk: Would you mind?

Sergeant Cargill stands on the chair, but the chair breaks.

Mr. Monk: So, how could a very, very fat man have stood on it? There’s only one explanation. He was a fat man, not a heavy man. Lieutenant.

Randy Disher wearing a fat suit enters the room.

Mr. Monk: I visited your clinic today and borrowed one of your empathy suits.

Randy Disher stands on the other chair and it does not break.

Mr. Monk: Fat, but not heavy. I believe we have another warrant to serve.

Leland Stottlemeyer hands a warrant to Doctor Christiaan Vezza.

Dr. Vezza: You’re joking.
Mr. Monk: You were in it together. You killed her. Fat man planned it, but you did it. It was brilliant. You killed her and then you left clues behind to make it look like Biederbeck did it. Why? Because he’s the only person on Earth that couldn’t possibly have done it.

Flashback ensues.

Mr. Monk: You wore enormous boots to leave big footprints. Breaking in was no problem. The housekeeper told you about the hide-a-key. I admit I was confused until I figured out the sequence of events. First, you killed the judge. Then you ransacked the house. Of course, you needed a witness. You put on one of your fat suits, set off the alarm, then waited until you were sure somebody was watching. And, finally, you called 911. And you’re great with voices, Doctor. Biederbeck even supplied you with videotapes of the judge so you could practice.
Dr. Vezza: This is insane. Why would I risk everything?
Mr. Monk: You really didn’t have a choice. Did you, Glenn? I knew Christiaan wasn’t your real name soon as you said you were 37 years old. You told Sharona that you were named after Christiaan Barnard, but he wasn’t famous until 1967.

Randy Disher attempts to step down the chair.

Mr. Monk: After you were born.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I put the FBI on it. They were looking for you. The real name is Glenn Q. Sindell. You killed a child five years ago.
Dr. Vezza: Accident.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You were operating on her you were so doped up, you couldn’t see straight.
Dr. Vezza: Accident.

Randy Disher still in his fat suit struggle to step down the chair.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Convicted of manslaughter and reckless endangerment, you were looking at 15 years minimum. You jumped bail before sentencing, and then you disappeared.

Randy Disher falls off the chair.

Mr. Monk: Until now. And somehow, somehow, Biederbeck learned your secret. From that moment on, he owned you. Didn’t he?
Biederbeck: Listen, I just have to say, fantastic work, really. Both of you, kudos.

Randy Disher struggle to sit up. He makes straining sounds.

Biederbeck: And—and for the record. I am shocked, shocked! That my personal physician is both a fugitive and a cold-blooded killer. Shocked. But you can’t really tie me to the crime, can you?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, now, that really depends on Mr. Sindell. What do you say, Glenn? Would you like to talk to us?
Dr. Vezza: It will be my pleasure. I’m looking forward to testifying against you. Maybe once and for all, I can redeem myself for everything I’ve done. All the pain I’ve caused. I detest you.
Biederbeck: Do you?
Dr. Vezza: With every fiber of my being. Beiderbeck you are an abomination.

Randy Disher still lay on the floor straining to get up.

Dr. Vezza: An odious, gluttonous—
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, yeah.

Leland Stottlemeyer grabs Doctor Christiaan Vezza’s arm.

Dr. Vezza: Putrid freak of nature.
Biederbeck: Wow, it’s been a long time since anyone’s called me that. Listen, by the time my lawyers are through with you, you’re not gonna know which end is up! There’s not a prison in this country that can hold me.
Mr. Monk: There’s very few shopping malls that can hold you. But, nonetheless, we’re gonna give it a try.

Dale the whale attempts to strangle Adrian Monk.

Biederbeck: You—

Dale the whale could not sit up and reach Adrian Monk. Adrian Monk moves his neck close to him, but not close enough. Dale the whale grunts and strains as he tries to reach for Adrian’s neck.

Sharona: What’s he doing?
Mr. Monk: I think he’s trying to kill me.

Dale the whale gives up with a loud groan.

Mr. Monk: Wasn’t really much of a fight, was it?

Sharona Fleming and Adrian Monk are walking at a dock. Adrian touches the poles as they walk.

Sharona: Adrian, can I ask you something? And if it’s none of my business, I promise I’ll shut up.
Mr. Monk: I doubt it.

The two fall silent for a few seconds.

Sharona: What did Trudy mean by bread and butter?

Adrian Monk exhales.

Mr. Monk: Whenever Trudy and I were walking somewhere, we’d hold hands. If there was a lamppost or somebody walked between us, and we had to let go for a second, she’d always say “bread and butter”.
Sharona: So when she died?
Mr. Monk: Yeah, I think it was a message for me. She was saying “I have to let go now for a little while…but it won’t be forever”.

Sharona Fleming locks arms with Adrian Monk.

This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Mr. Monk Meets Dale the Whale” episode was written by Andy Breckman. Monk is owned by Universal Media Studios in association with Mandeville Films and Touchstone Television.


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