Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Mr. Monk Goes to the Carnival – Monk Transcript 1.4

Adrian Monk goes to the carnivalLeland Stottlemeyer drives a detective to a carnival.

Captain Stottlemeyer: I don’t like it. You oughta be wearing a wire.
Adam: Oh, listen, Leland, we don’t even know what he’s got.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, look, maybe I should hang and watch your back.
Adam: Oh, come on. You worry too much. You always did. Leland, go home. Get some sleep. Past your bedtime.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, Adam, could you do me a favor?
Adam: Yeah?
Captain Stottlemeyer: When we’re in public, you call me Captain, okay?
Adam: Oh, I’m sorry, Captain.   Continue reading...

Adam and Leland Stottlemeyer snicker.

Adam: Still can’t say it without laughing.

Adam gets out of the car and Leland Stottlemeyer drives away. Adam takes a sip from his alcohol container.

Photographer: How about a photo?

A carnival photographer takes a picture of a young man.

Photographer: Here’s your ticket. You can pick it up when you leave.

The photographer hands the young man his ticket.

Young man: No thanks.

The young man throws it away. He approaches Adam.

Adam: John Gitomer?
John: You Kirk?

Adam shows John Gitomer his badge.

Adam: Something you wanted to tell me?
John: No, no, no. I said I had something to sell you.
Adam: Oh, okay, what?
John: Shipment of purple haze, 10,000 tabs. I know where, I know when, I know who. You interested?
Adam: If it’s righteous, I’m interested.
John: Okay, but not here.
Adam: No, this is fine.
John Gitomer looks away. Adam grabs his arm.

Adam: Hey, hey.
John: Hey! Get your hands off me, man!

Adam pulls John Gitomer close to him and whispers.

Adam: Listen, you got a problem?
John: I can’t talk here.
Adam: Why not?
John: Up there.

John Gitomer looks at the Ferris wheel.

Adam: No, I don’t think so. Who told you to call me?
John: I’ll tell you…up there.
Adam: No, who gave you my name?

John Gitomer makes his way to the Ferris wheel.

John: I’ll see you up there.

John Gitomer and Adam ride the Ferris wheel.

John: Hey, somebody call the cops! Hey! This guy’s trying to kill me!
Adam: What are you yelling about?
John: Hey! For God’s sake, stop the ride!
Adam: Hey, pal—
John: He’s killing me!
Adam: Calm down.
John: He’s trying to kill me!

John Gitomer struggles.

John: Help! Somebody call the cops!
Adam: Hey! Calm down!
John: What? I’m not—
Adam: Hey! He’s trying to kill me!
John: Stop the ride!

The Ferris wheel operator pulls the break.

Adam: Stop the wheel. Let me off.

Adam steps out of the Ferris wheel.

Adam: You’re a sick puppy. Police officer! Step back!

Adam flashes his badge.

Adam: Everything’s all right.

Adam exhales deeply.

Operator: What did you do?

John Gitomer collapses.

Operator: Somebody call 911.
Adam: I didn’t do nothing. I was—

John Gitomer with a knife on his chest gasps for air.
The police and news crew arrive at the carnival.

Reporter: Lieutenant Adam Kirk is, of course, no stranger to controversy. Six years ago he was suspended for using excessive force—

Leland Stottlemeyer talks to Adam Kirk.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Have you been drinking?
Lt. Kirk: I don’t know. A taste.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Amphetamines, anything? They’re gonna want a blood test.
Lt. Kirk: Bring it on.
Reporter: And he was in the news again recently when alleged killer Leonard Stokes accused him of police brutality.

Two detectives approach Leland Stottlemeyer.

Detective: Captain, we got to…
Captain Stottlemeyer: Give me 30 seconds, all right?
Detective: All right.

The detectives walk away.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Internal Affairs is gonna try to rip you apart.
Lt. Kirk: Well, they’ve been trying for years.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, Adam, is there something you wanna tell me? He pulled a knife, there was a fight, it was either you or him?

Adam Kirk stands up.

Lt. Kirk: Leland, Leland, I never touched him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: There were bruises on his chest.
Lt. Kirk: Well, he must’ve stuck himself.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He stuck himself. All right, look, from this point forward, you don’t say anything.
Lt. Kirk: Mm-hmm.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, you don’t speak English. I’m gonna call Sam Dwyer from PDA, and he’ll send somebody over.
Lt. Kirk: Leo, I never touched him!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Not a word. I’ll talk to you later.

The detective returns.

Detective: Captain.
Captain Stottlemeyer: All right.

Leland Stottlemeyer walks away. The detectives take Lt. Kirk.

Detective: Let’s go.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Paul?
Paul: Well, he was stabbed in the aorta. He was gone before he hit the ground.
Lt. Disher: Self-defense?
Paul: Maybe.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What about the bruises?
Paul: There was a fight. That’s all I know. When they get him down to my beauty parlor, I’ll know a little more.
Lt. Disher: Thanks Paul.

Leland Stottlemeyer exhales.

Captain Stottlemeyer: All right, I need the lab to run the knife as soon as possible.
Lt. Disher: Yes, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And I need Adam charged and booked. Have Parko do that. What am I supposed to do? Two guys go up alone, one of them comes out dead. What do you want me to do?
Lt. Disher: Captain, what about Monk? He might see something that we’re not seeing.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk is no good to anybody right now. He’s going before the review board tomorrow. You know how he gets when he’s under pressure. He’s gonna be a basket case tomorrow.

Adrian Monk appears before the Review Board.

Board Member #1: Former Detective Monk, we’ve been reviewing your file, which includes a statement from your psychiatrist, Dr. Kroger. Now, he says that you’re still obsessed to the murder of your wife—

Adrian Monk’s gaze turns to the Venetian blinds that are stuck together.

Board Member #1: To the point where you are emotionally paralyzed. Do you agree?
Mr. Monk: Well, she was my wife. You can understand.
Board Member #2: How’s that investigation going?
Mr. Monk: We’re stalled. Frankly, it’s a dead end.
Board Member #1: However, there is some good news.

Adrian Monk returns his gaze on the blinds.

Board Member #1: Kroger says that you’ve been showing some significant progress in some of your other problems.
Mr. Monk: Yes, I’ve been working hard.

Board Member #1 takes a piece of paper, crumples it, and throws it in the trash can only it lands on the floor.

Board Member #2: Since your suspension, you’ve been working as a private investigator. Is that right?

Adrian Monk sees the paper on the floor. Adrian Monk sighs.

Mr. Monk: Well, it hasn’t made me rich, but you know, it’s what I do.
Board Member #3: It’s what you do. I like that.

Board Member #2 pours water in her glass, but spills some water on the table.

Board Member #3: You feel that you’re ready to do what you do for us again?

Board Member #2 takes a sip from her glass.

Board Member #3: I mean officially?
Mr. Monk: I think I’m ready. As you know, I’ve been doing some consulting work for the department.
Board Member #3: Yes, on eight occasions. It’s very impressive.
Board Member #2: Although, isn’t it true, Mr. Monk, that on more than one occasion your phobias have hindered the investigation? For example, last February your fear of heights allowed a suspect in San Anselmo to escape.
Mr. Monk: Well, no officer is without fear of some kind.
Board Member #2: That’s true. We all accept that, as long as those fears don’t interfere with the performance of his duties.
Board Member #3: We’ll be making a formal recommendation by the end of the week. We have to speak with two or three more people, including Captain Leland Stottlemeyer.
Mr. Monk: Captain Stottlemeyer?
Board Member #3: As your commanding officer for years, his testimony is crucial.

Adrian Monk turns his attention back to the blinds.

Board Member #2: Thank you for coming in. Mr. Monk?
Mr. Monk: Thank you. Thank you very much.
Board Member #3: We’ll reconvene tomorrow at 5:00.

Adrian Monk walks out of the building and to the car where Sharona Fleming is waiting.

Sharona: How’d it go?
Mr. Monk: It went great!

Sharona Fleming gasps. Adrian Monk giggles.

Mr. Monk: I was amazing.
Sharona: Yes. Yes.
Mr. Monk: I was Fred Astaire.

Adrian Monk sways his hand. Sharona Fleming opens the passenger car door. She giggles.

Sharona: Did you remember to bite the tip of your tongue to help you focus?
Mr. Monk: I bit the tip of my tongue. I was great. Get in the car.

Adrian Monk makes his way to the driver seat.

Sharona: What are you doing?
Mr. Monk: I’m driving. Get in the car.
Sharona: No, you’re not.

Adrian Monk walks back to Sharona Fleming.

Mr. Monk: Sharona, they could be watching me right now from the—

Sharona Fleming looks up the building.

Mr. Monk: Don’t look—from the window right now. Don’t look.
Sharona: So what?
Mr. Monk: So, I can’t let them see you driving me. I’d look like an invalid. So get in the car.
Sharona: No.
Mr. Monk: Get in the car. Will you get in the car?

Sharona Fleming slams the car door.

Sharona: Do you even know how to drive?
Mr. Monk: Yes, I know how to drive.
Sharona: I’ve never seen you.
Mr. Monk: There’s about 15 things that I can do that you’ve never seen me do.

Adrian Monk opens the car door for Sharona Fleming.

Sharona: Like what?
Mr. Monk: Drive. I can drive. Get in the car.

Adrian Monk makes his way to the driver’s seat. Sharona Fleming looks up.

Mr. Monk: Don’t!

Adrian Monk runs back to Sharona Fleming.

Sharona: They’re not watching!
Mr. Monk: Look, what are you doing looking? What are you doing?
Sharona: Do you even have a license?
Mr. Monk: Of course I have a license.
Sharona: Is it valid?
Mr. Monk: You know what? I’m gonna show it to you--in the car.

Adrian Monk points at the car.

Sharona: I just put in a new $1,200 transmission.
Mr. Monk: I’m not gonna wreck your precious transmission. Get IN the car.
Sharona: I have an idea. Start yawning.
Mr. Monk: Yawning?
Sharona: Yeah, to make it look like you’re too tired to drive.
Mr. Monk: Why would I be too tired to drive? It’s 10 o’clock in the morning. I’m not in kindergarten. I’m trying to get my badge back here!
Sharona: Everybody gets tired. You don’t think cops get tired?
Mr. Monk: Anyway, it’s too late to start yawning now. I would have had to start yawning when I was upstairs to set it up.
Sharona: It is not too late to start yawning right now, because you have to start yawning at some point of the day. Everybody yawns all day. There’s no rule. Yawn.

Adrian Monk yawns. The board members see Adrian Monk.

Board Member #3: Mr. Monk. You’re still here.
Mr. Monk: Yeah. Yeah, we’re leaving though. We’re going. Here we go. Sharona, you coming?

Adrian Monk slowly walks towards the driver’s seat. Sharona Fleming dangles the car keys. Adrian Monk steps close to Sharona Fleming to get the keys.

Mr. Monk: Keys. Keys. Good parking spot, though, don’t you think? I mean, lucky, lucky.

Adrian Monk enters the backseat.

Mr. Monk: Can’t beat it with the stick.

Adrian Monk gets out of the backseat.

Mr. Monk: Okay, I got it.

Adrian Monk enters the driver’s seat.

Mr. Monk: See you next time.

The board members walk away. Adrian Monk starts the engine. He looks out the window and hits the car at the back. He drives away, but other cars start honking at him.
Later, Adrian Monk crashes Sharona Fleming’s car into a pole.

Sharona: What were you thinking?
Mr. Monk: You said, “Turn,” so I turned.
Sharona: No, I meant into the parking lot! Look at my headlight, Adrian!
Mr. Monk: It’s nothing.
Sharona: Nothing? It is totally smashed. Look at that!

Sharona Fleming’s cellphone starts ringing.

Sharona: Hello? Yes, he’s right here. Now? Okay, we’ll be right there.

Sharona Fleming hangs up.

Sharona: Stottlemeyer. He says it’s very important.

Adrian Monk runs to the driver’s seat. Sharona Fleming runs after him.

Sharona: No! No! Adrian! I’m driving. When hell freezes over, you can drive again. No, you know what? Even if hell freezes over, I’m still driving, because I don’t want you driving on the ice.

Sharona Fleming gets on the driver’s seat.

Sharona: Get in the car!

Adam Kirk is in his court hearing.

Prosecutor: Your Honor, this is not Lieutenant Kirk’s first offense. We have a case. Docket 4-5-5. Adam Kirk vs. Leonard Stokes in which Lieutenant Kirk is accused of police brutality.

Adam Kirk slams his hand on the table.

Lt. Kirk: This is obscene! Don’t touch Stokes, but you can string me up right here?

Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming enter the courtroom. The judge hammers his gavel.

Judge: Lieutenant, can you or can you not control your temper?
Lt. Kirk: I can, your Honor.
Judge: Then do it—on the street and in my courtroom. Mr. Dwyer?
Mr. Dwyer: We request that Lieutenant Kirk be released on his own recognizance. Adam Kirk is a decorated officer and the claims against my client in this case and the case involving Mr. Stokes have not been substantiated.
Judge: I don’t know how much more substantiated a case can get. Bail is set at $50,000.

Leland Stottlemeyr, Randy Disher, Adrian Monk, and Sharona Fleming wait for Adam Kirk.

Captain Stottlemeyer: So, what do you think?
Mr. Monk: They’re on a Ferris wheel alone. The Ferris wheel stops. The guy’s dead.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I know it looks bad.
Mr. Monk: “Bad” is not the word. “Guilty” is the word.
Lt. Disher: Kirk has got a temper. We’re not denying that.
Mr. Monk: You couldn’t deny it. I’ve seen it! Firsthand.
Captain Stottlemeyer: There’s something not right here. He swears up and down he did not touch the kid.
Lt. Disher: Maybe he blacked out or something. You know? Like you do.
Mr. Monk: What do you want me to do?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I want you to do your thing. I want you to do that thing you do. I’ve known Kirk for 20 years. He’s a great cop.
Sharona: You used to say that about Adrian.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Could we not make this a personal thing? This is not about who daddy loves more. Monk, I need this. You do right by me and I’ll owe you one, all right?
Mr. Monk: I’d like to talk it over with Sharona.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sure.

Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming step into a corner.

Mr. Monk: What do you think?
Sharona: I think you should do it. The Captain’s gonna testify in front of the review board tomorrow. This may be good help.
Mr. Monk: I agree, but let’s stay here a minute, make it look like it’s a tough decision.
Sharona: Okay. What should we talk about?
Mr. Monk: I don’t know. How’s Benjy?
Sharona: He’s good.
Mr.Monk: What grade is he in now?
Sharona: Fifth.
Mr. Monk: Fifth grade.
Sharona: Failing math. It’s driving me crazy. Yeah, but—
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, Monk.
Mr. Monk: Yeah?
Captain Stottlemeyer: We can hear you.

Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming walk back to where Leland Stottlemeyer and Randy Disher are.

Captain Stottlemeyer: All right. Here’s the deal. This has gotta be done under the table, all right? Off the book.
Lt. Disher: Internal Affairs is all over it. They don’t want any outsiders poking around.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay?

Adrian Monk nods.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Good.

Leland Stottlemeyer extends his hand and Adrian Monk shakes it.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you.

Sharona Fleming takes out a wipe.

Mr. Monk: It’s okay.

Leland Stottlemeyer and Randy Disher walk away. Adrian Monk wipes his hand.

Captain Stottlemeyer: I saw that, Adrian.

Adam Kirk looks out his window to watch the reporters.

Lt. Kirk: Look at them out there. Trying to get a picture of a killer cop.

Adam Kirk angrily closes the curtains.

Lt. Kirk: Too bad I can’t charge them rent. Did you talk to them?
Mr. Monk: I just told them I was a friend.
Lt. Kirk: Thanks for lying. You know. I don’t hold what you did against—
Mr. Monk: Why would you? I told the truth.
Lt. Kirk: From your point of view.
Mr. Monk: I was there, Lieutenant. I saw what you did.
Lt. Kirk: It was resisting arrest.
Mr. Monk: I was there.
Lt. Kirk: Well, that makes your being here now mean even more. You know what really kills me about this is, uh, I’m supposed to testify against Stokes next week. Best thing I ever did was getting that butcher off the street. Now he’s gonna walk.
Sharona: Why would he walk?
Lt. Kirk: He claims that I beat a confession out of him. This makes his case.

Adrian Monk peels a bunch of paper towels.

Lt. Kirk: What are you doing?
Sharona: If you don’t mind, it helps him think.

Adrian Monk takes the dirty dishes off the kitchen table and puts them in the sink.

Lt. Kirk: Oh. Knock yourself out.
Mr. Monk: Wanna tell me what happened on the Ferris wheel?
Lt. Kirk: Yeah, that was stupid. I get a call from this punk, Gitomer.
Mr. Monk: You knew him?
Lt. Kirk: No, I never met him. I checked him out. He’s got some punk stuff—possessions, stolen vehicle. So, he wants to meet at the carnival—busy place, a lot of people.
Mr. Monk: Meet about what?
Lt. Kirk: He’s got something on a shipment of purple haze. So, we meet. He starts hemming and hawing and then he says that he’ll talk, but only up on the Ferris wheel.
Mr. Monk: The Ferris wheel’s his idea?
Lt. Kirk: Oh, yeah. His idea. So, we get on. I don’t get out word one, he goes postal.

Adrian Monk wipes the kitchen table.

Mr. Monk: You didn’t do anything?
Lt. Kirk: Hand to God. He starts throwing himself around. He’s screaming. “Help! Help! He’s gonna kill me!” So, the operator shuts down the rig. I get off. I walk 10 feet, I hear screaming, I turn around and there’s Gitomer on the deck with a knife in his chest.
Mr. Monk: Whose knife was it?
Lt. Kirk: Not a clue.
Mr. Monk: And now, you didn’t touch this guy?
Lt. Kirk: No, I didn’t touch him.
Mr. Monk: Maybe he shoved you, you shoved him back.
Lt. Kirk: No, I didn’t touch the guy.
Mr. Monk: Things got out of hand! It happens.
Lt. Kirk: No, it doesn’t happen! Not to me. Not anymore.
Mr. Monk: How’s Anita?
Lt. Kirk: Oh, she’s good. Thanks for asking.
Mr. Monk: Where is she?
Lt. Kirk: You just missed her. She’s just out shopping. She should be back, oh, any minute now.
Mr. Monk: Listen, friend, if I’m gonna help you out, you—you can’t lie to me.
Lt. Kirk: What?
Mr. Monk: You two had a fight. She moved out.
Lt. Kirk: Now, who told you that?
Mr. Monk: The woman is obviously into gardening.

Adrian Monk looks at the gardening books.

Mr. Monk: But every plant in the place is dying.
Lt. Kirk: Well, she always comes back.
Mr. Monk: I’m done here.
Sharona: You’ll gonna make somebody a wonderful wife.
Mr. Monk: I can’t make any promises.
Lt. Kirk: Understood.

Adrian Monk, Sharona Fleming and Benjy arrive at the carnival.

Mr. Monk: Okay, remember, we’re not officially on the case, so be cool.
Sharona: Yeah, I’ll be as cool as you.
Benjy: Mom, how many tickets can we get?
Sharona: I don’t know.

Adrian Monk notices all the trash on the ground.

Benjy: Okay, let’s get a whole sheet, which is $40.
Sharona: I don’t know, Benjy. I work for a very cheap man.
Man in ticket booth: How many?
Sharona: Ten.
Mr. Monk: That’s true. She does.
Sharona: He’s also a very naïve man…who doesn’t know when he’s being used.
Mr. Monk: Hmm? What? Who’s being used?
Sharona: You are. Kirk’s no good and you know it. He’s Stottlemeyer’s ex partner. The Captain will do anything to save his ass. He just wants you to come up with one of your convoluted theories so he can parade you in front of a jury.

Adrian Monk looks up the Ferris wheel.

Sharona: Are you listening to me? What’s wrong?
Mr. Monk: The Ferris wheel. It’s kind of big. I can’t go on it.
Sharona: Well, you have to--it’s a crime scene.
Mr. Monk: Nah.
Sharona: Benjy, the bumper cars are over there.
Mr. Monk: Uh-uh.
Sharona: Come on! Please! We gotta find Stottlemeyer.

Leland Stottlemeyer meets Adrian Monk, Sharona Fleming and Benjy.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey.
Sharona: Hey. You remember Benjy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes. How you doing, Benjy?

Leland Stottlemeyer shakes Benjy’s hand.

Captain Stottlemeyer: You’re in Little League, right?

Benjy nods.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I think my kid beaned you last year.
Photographer: Hey, folks!

A carnival photographer approaches.

Photographer: How about a photo?
Sharona: No. No, thank you.
Photographer: Come on. It’s a souvenir. It’s a carnival.

The photographer pushes them close together.

Photographer: One big happy family.

The photographer takes their photo.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you very much.

The photographer hands them their ticket.

Photographer: Here’s your ticket. You can pick it up on your way out.
Sharona: Thank you. Let’s go.

Adrian Monk stands still.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk?
Sharona: Adrian?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, come on.

They go to the photo booth where the photographer shows them all the unclaimed photos.

Photographer: Here you go. Unclaimed from the day you were asking about. This is everything.
Sharona: Adrian, I promised Benjy I’d take him on the bumper cars, so we’ll meet you later, okay? Just stay close to the Captain, and if you get lost, find a policeman. Promise?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Bingo.

Leland Stottlemeyer finds the picture of John Gitomer.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Look at the sweatshirt.
Mr. Monk: I was thinking the same thing.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Zipped all the way up.
Mr. Monk: But it must’ve been 95 degrees that night.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah.

Adrian Monk and Leland Stottlemeyer walk to the Ferris wheel.

Captain Stottlemeyer: So, they meet over there, walk through here, get on the ride, go round and round, it stops and the kid’s dead.
Mr. Monk: Did you question the other riders?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, yeah, I grilled everybody in the park. I got a list of—

Leland Stottlemeyer spots the detectives from the Internal Affairs.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Internal Affairs.

Leland Stottlemeyer grabs a child’s balloon and hands it to Adrian Monk.

Kid: Hey!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, you just happen to be here, okay? It’s your day off, understood?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, Walt!
Walt Cauffel: Captain.

Leland Stottlemeyer and Walt Cauffel shake hands.

Captain Stottlemeyer: How are you?
Walt Cauffel: Mr. Monk, Walter Cauffel.

Walter Cauffel and Adrian Monk shake hands.

Mr. Monk: How’s it going?
Walt Cauffel: Ah, it’s a bitch, bitch and a half. What are you doing here?
Mr. Monk: I’m here with my assistant and her kid.
Walt Cauffel: I never figured you the amusement park type.
Mr. Monk: Oh, sure, I love it. It’s so, you know, edgy.
Walt Cauffe: Heard you’re up for reinstatement. Good luck.
Mr. Monk: Thank you, I really should be going.

Adrian Monk turns to Leland Stottlemeyer.

Mr. Monk: Have you seen Sharona?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, Sharona’s right over here.
Mr. Monk: See you.

Leland Stottlemeyer and Adrian Monk walk away from the Internal Affairs detectives.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Now, give me a couple of minutes and I’ll get rid of him, all right?
Mr. Monk: What should I do?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Just have fun.
Mr. Monk: Fun?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. You’ve seen other people have fun. Imitate them.

Leland Stottlemeyer leaves Adrian Monk by himself.
Sharona Fleming rides a moving horse at the carousel. Adrian Monk gloomily rides the stationary chair at the carousel. He tries the other games, but is not amused. Adrian Monk sits at the bench and groans.

Mr. Monk: I am so hungry.
Sharona: Well, get a hot dog.
Mr. Monk: No, no, thanks. No.
Benjy: Mom, can I have two dollars?
Sharona: Wait. What for?
Benjy: It’s a contest. There’s a big jar of jellybeans, and if I guess how many are in the jar, I win a boom box.
Mr. Monk: Eight thousand three hundred and eighty five.
Sharona: What?
Mr. Monk: That’s how many jellybeans are in the jar -- 8,385.
Benjy: 8,385. 8,385.
Sharona: Have you seen the jar?

Adrian Monk shakes his head.

Sharona: How can you guess if you haven’t seen the jar?
Mr. Monk: Benjy. 8,385.

Benjy grabs the money from his mom and runs.

Benjy: Okay. Thanks, mom.
Sharona: Okay. Now, you owe me two dollars.

Adrian Monk spots the IA detectives.

Mr. Monk: There’s IA. Don’t look.

Adrian Monk stands up.

Mr. Monk: Come on. We gotta look like we’re blending in. Let’s go.
Sharona: Yeah. We’ll blend.

Sharona Fleming buys two cotton candies.

Sharona: Thank you.
Attendant: No problem.

Sharona Fleming hands one to Adrian Monk. He shakes his head.

Sharona: Just take it. Come on.

Adrian Monk takes the cotton candy.

Sharona: It’s good.

Later, a mascot dances around Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming. The mascot bumps Sharona.

Sharona: Ow!
Mascot: Whoops!

They walk by the carousel.

Sharona: You having fun?
Mr. Monk: I think so. My head stopped throbbing, but too many clowns. Just way too many.

A clown approaches the terrified Adrian Monk.

Sharona: Oh! Come on. Relax.

Benjy runs to his mom carrying a boom box.

Benjy: Hey!
Sharona: Oh, my God. Where did you get that?
Benjy: I won it! It was the jellybean contest. Mr. Monk was right. You were only off by eight.
Sharona: Adrian, how’d you do that?
Mr. Monk: Lucky guess.
Sharona: No, I’m serious. How’d you do it?

Adrian Monk sees Leland Stottlemeyer talking with the IA. The IA leaves.

Sharona: Adrian. Adrian. I’m talking to you.

Leland Stottlemeyer calls for Adrian Monk.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Come on. Come on. We got about an hour. I sent them to that stripper bar on Baker Avenue. I told them Kirk hangs out there.

Leland Stottlemeyer and Adrian Monk walk to the Ferris wheel. Leland yells at the operator.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hello, Kitty!
Kitty: Aw, hell, I thought you guys were gone. I’m trying to make a living here.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. This will only take a minute. Adrian Monk, Kitty Malone. She’s been working the Ferris wheel for seven years.
Kitty: Never had a problem, never had an accident till last night. I suppose he wants to hear the story too.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, please, if you don’t mind.

Kitty Malone sighs.

Kitty: The freakiest thing I’ve ever seen. Two guys got on. A few seconds later, one of them starts screaming.
Mr. Monk: You mean, Mr. Gitomer?
Kitty: I don’t know names. The soon-to-be-dead one. He’s screaming. “Help! He’s trying to kill me!” I looked up. Basket four is rocking back and forth.

Adrian Monk looks up and feels dizzy.

Kitty: I figure they’re either fighting or falling in love.

Kitty Malone chuckles.

Mr. Monk: You—you couldn’t see what was happening?
Kitty: Nah. You can’t really see what’s going on up there. So, I stopped the ride. You know. I always stop for crying babies and guys knifing each other. Anyway, I pop the bar, the cop gets out. He’s pissed. He’s screaming, “I didn’t do nothin’!”
Mr. Monk: Where was he?
Kitty: Over there.
Mr. Monk: And the other guy?
Kitty: Doubled over in his seat. He’s got a knife in his chest. Then he falls over right there.

Later, riders wait in line looking really annoyed.

Man: Come on! Let’s go!
Woman: Get it moving!

Adrian Monk studies the crime scene.

Kitty: Two more minutes, then I gotta start charging you guys.
Mr. Monk: Okay, but could you just—Could you take your hand off it.

Adrian Monk looks at Kitty Malone whose hand is on the lever.

Captain Stottlemeyer: It’s not gonna move.
Mr. Monk: But she’s got her hand by the—
Captain Stottlemeyer: It’s not gonna move.
Mr. Monk: She’s right by the control.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It’s okay.
Man: Hurry up!

Kitty Malone takes her hand off the lever.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Thanks, Kitty. Thank you.
Woman: Come on!
Man: Let’s go!

Adrian Monk sees something on the chair.

Mr. Monk: Hello.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?

Adrian Monk takes out a tweezer and pulls out a card.

Captain Stottlemeyer: What is that?
Mr. Monk: A tarot card—or half of one.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, anybody could’ve left that.
Mr. Monk: I think I need to see Gitomer’s place.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What’s it mean, half a tarot card?
Mr. Monk: I don’t know.

Sharona Fleming and Adrian Monk are in John Gitomer’s apartment. They talk to the landlord, Mr. Crenshaw. Adrian hands him a copy of the tarot card.

Mr. Crenshaw: It’s a tarot card.
Mr. Monk: Look, Mr. Crenshaw, does it mean anything to you?
Mr. Crenshaw: Yeah, it means you’re wasting my time.

Mr. Crenshaw gives the copy back to Adrian Monk.

Mr. Monk: Mr. Gitomer used tarot cards?
Mr. Crenshaw: I don’t see what anybody does. I’m only the landlord. The peepholes on the door face the wrong way. That’s what I always say.
Mr. Monk: How long did he live here?
Mr. Crenshaw: Oh, nine weeks, but he paid for 10. So, I guess someone has a refund coming.

Adrian Monk looks up the ceiling.

Mr. Monk: What’s this?
Mr. Crenshaw: Mister, you wouldn’t believe what I’ve seen hanging from those fans.
Sharona: Adrian.

Adrian Monk walks over to Sharona Fleming. Sharona pulls out a sock from John Gitomer’s drawer.

Sharona: This is weird. He keeps his batteries in his socks?
Mr. Monk: Oh my God.
Sharona: What is it?
Mr. Monk: It’s a weapon. They use them in prison. It’s torn here.

Adrian Monk looks at the fan on the ceiling. He pulls down a hook hanging from the fan.

Mr. Monk: Could you?
Sharona: Hook it?

Sharona Fleming hangs he sock on the hook.

Mr. Monk: Stand back.

Adrian Monk turns on the fan. The sock starts swinging.

Mr. Crenshaw: What the hell is that?
Mr. Monk: I think he hit himself with it.
Mr. Crenshaw: All he had to do was ask. I would’ve been happy to beat the crap outta the kid. I knew he was trouble. Never paid the phone bill, but always had money to go dancing.
Sharona: He went dancing?
Mr. Crenshaw: Yeah, every night. That club over in the park there—the Luna Lounge.

Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming visit the Luna Lounge where a very loud techno music is playing.

Man: Up!

The man turns to Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming.

Man: We’re not open yet!
Sharona: Is this your claim check?!

Sharona Fleming hands the guy a copy of the tarot card.

Man: Actually, I got something I can show you in the back.

The man takes a bag with half of the tarot card.

Man: Here it is. It’s been here for a while.

The guy hands over the bag.

Mr. Monk: How long would you say it’s been here?
Man: I can’t here you!
Mr. Monk: I need to know how—

Adrian Monk walks away. Sharona Fleming takes out a card and hands it over to the guy.

Sharona: Thank you.

Leland Stottlemeyer appears before the Review Board.

Board Member #3: Captain Stottlemeyer, you have used former Detective Monk several times over the last two and a half years.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, that’s right on a consulting basis.
Board Member #3: Have you been satisfied with his work?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, absolutely. He, um—he has helped me solve five—no, six very difficult cases. He has a unique way of looking at evidence even after a scene is cold.
Board Member #2: In your professional opinion, do you think Adrian Monk is ready to be reinstated?
Captain Stottlemeyer: He is an excellent investigator.
Board Member #2: I believe we’ve established that. The question is do you believe he should be reinstated to the San Francisco Police Department?
Captain Stottlemeyer: He is reliable. He, uh, has an encyclopedic knowledge of the strangest, most arcane things, like book binding. There was a case before he got—
Board Member #3: Captain, this is a “yes or no” question. Now, in your opinion, is he or is he not ready to be reinstated? Yes or no.

The court hears the Leonard Stokes case.

Prosecutor: The people are asking for a continuance, Your Honor.
Defense: Of course, they want to postpone. Lieutenant Kirk wasn’t one of their witnesses, he was their only witness. Now, he’s accused of murder. Your Honor, my client, Leonard Stokes has been in jail for 14 months based solely on his testimony.
Judge: Mr. Zweibel, are you presenting Adam Kirk or not?
Mr. Zweibel: Your Honor, we can no longer vouch for Lieutenant Kirk.
Judge: Well then, you leave me no choice. Without your witness, the statements that Mr. Stokes made in the back of that squad car are inadmissible. Mr. Stokes.

Leonard Stokes stands up.

Judge: I’m dismissing this indictment.
Stokes: So, I’m free to go?
Judge: I’m sorry to say that’s true. Bailiff.

Leonard Stokes prepares to leave the prison.

Prison guard: I need the yellow copy.

The prison gate opens. Leonard Stokes steps out.
Sharona Fleming and Adrian Monk wait outside.

Sharona: Are you gonna tell me how you did the jelly beans?

Adrian Monk gestures of not saying a word.

Sharon: You know you’re gonna tell me, Adrian.

Leonard Stokes approach the prison guard.

Stokes: Stokes, Leonard. I need the yellow copy.
Guard: Wait here.

Adrian Monk approach Leonard Stokes.

Mr. Monk: Excuse me, Leonard Stokes? Can I talk to you?
Stokes: It’s a free country—at least it will be in about 10 minutes.
Mr. Monk: My name is Adrian Monk, I’m investigating the death of John Gitomer. Did you know him?
Stokes: No.

Adrian Monk pulls out a bagged cell phone from his pocket.

Mr. Monk: This is his cell phone. We found it in his knapsack. Mr. Gitomer received two calls from this facility from the phone bank in your wing on the day he was killed.
Stokes: So what?
Mr. Monk: You were calling him. I checked the records. They log in every outgoing call.

The prison guard arrives with the yellow paper and Stokes’ belongings.

Prison guard: Sign here.
Mr. Monk: That’s a nice watch.
Stokes: Yeah, Gitomer, I remember. He was here. I knew his name. That’s all.
Mr. Monk: Why were you calling him?
Stokes: I don’t recall. What difference does it make?
Mr. Monk: It’s just interesting, you two knew each other and his murder is the basis for your appeal.

Leonard Stokes picks up a pin.

Mr. Monk: What’s that?
Stokes: It’s from my Straight and Sober group. Three year pin.
Mr. Monk: Very nice. Congratulations.
Stokes: Look, I know where this is going. You’re working to clear your pal Lieutenant Kirk.
Mr. Monk: No, no, no. I’m not on the force.
Stokes: Oh, come on. Sure you are. I can smell it.
Mr. Monk: Just looking for the truth.
Stokes: Lieutenant Kirk is a killer cop. That’s the truth. Just not the truth you want.
Mr. Monk: You could be right. Is there some place I could reach you?
Stokes: No. See you around.

Leonard Stokes leaves.

Sharona: Gee, he’s a charmer.
Mr. Monk: Oh, my God! Is that the right time?

Adrian Monk runs away.

Mr. Monk: Stottlemeyer’s testifying!
Sharona: Oh, my God.

Sharona Fleming exhales deeply as she waits for Adrian Monk. Adrian steps out wearing his police uniform. He chuckles.

Sharona: You look great.
Mr. Monk: I haven’t worn it since Trudy’s funeral.
Sharona: You sure you’re not getting your hopes up?
Mr. Monk: Of course I am. That’s what hopes are for.
Sharona: I was gonna smooth it out, but it’s—
Mr. Monk: Yeah, I know. I know.

Adrian Monk chuckles. Leland Stottlemeyer walks by unhappy.

Mr. Monk: Oh no.

Leland Stottlemeyer approaches Adrian Monk.

Mr. Monk: Oh no. You didn’t recommend me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, Monk—
Sharona: You son of a bitch.
Mr. Monk: I thought you were gonna do the right thing?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I think I did do the right thing.
Sharona: He saves your ass all the time and he never asks for anything in return. He closes case after case and then he goes home and watches you on the news taking all the credit.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I wanted to recommend you, I tried to recommend you, but I just couldn’t do it. Adrian, you are not ready to carry a gun. You’re not ready to have other cops depend on you under fire. In your heart, you know you’re not ready.

Adrian Monk walks away. Leland Stottlemeyer sighs.

Sharona: At least your friend Adam Kirk has the decency to stab people in the front.

Adrian Monk stand outside the building.

Sharona: You okay?
Mr. Monk: I just wanna be alone.

Adrian Monk walks away.

Sharona: Okay, I’ll come with you.

Sharona Fleming follows him.

Sharona: Hey.

Randy Disher enters Leland Stottlemeyer’s office.

Lt. Disher: Uh. How did it go this afternoon, sir?
Captain Stottlemeyer: It was rough.
Lt. Disher: Well, I’m sure that you did everything you could. You, uh, wanna go grab a drink?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, I’m good. Hey, Randy. Did I ever tell you about Monk’s first day as a detective?
Lt. Disher: No, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Have a seat.

Randy Disher closes the office door and takes a seat.

Captain Stottlemeyer: He didn’t have a partner, so I got stuck with him.
Lt. Disher: Was he—you know?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. He was a little wound. He used to wipe off the windshield and rearrange the glove box before we’d roll. Anyway, we’re the primaries on a body in a hotel in the Castro. A hooker had swallowed a bunch of promazine—you know, the big sleeping pills?
Lt. Disher: Horse tranquilizer, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I said, “suicide”. Every cop on the scene said, “suicide”. Medical examiner said, “suicide”. Monk walks in says, “murder”. Where’s the water? The room had no water. Simple, eight people in the room, but nobody saw that.
Lt. Disher: Well, I’m sure you would’ve seen it eventually sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Don’t kid yourself. There is only one Adrian Monk.

Adrian Monk vacuums Sharona Fleming’s house.

Sharona: You’re gonna wear out the carpet.
Benjy: Have you seen the downstairs? He cleaned the whole basement.
Mr. Monk: Damn! Damn it! Damn! Damn it!

Adrian Monk throw a fit.

Mr. Monk: Damn!
Sharona: What happened?
Mr. Monk: Aw! I knew it! Damn! I knew it! I knew this was gonna happen.

Adrian Monk sulks on a chair.

Mr. Monk: Ohh. Why me? Every damn single time.
Sharona: Adrian, what happened?
Mr. Monk: I solved the case.

Sergeant Cargill knocks on Leland Stottlemeyer’s door.

Sgt. Cargill: Captain?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah?
Sgt. Cargill: Here’s your sandwich.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you.
Sgt. Cargill: Ham and cheese on rye and your soda.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Goody goody.

Sgt. Cargill takes out a pickle.

Sgt. Cargill: Want your pickle?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Not anymore.
Sgt. Cargill: Oh. Oh. Sharona Fleming is on line two.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh, tell her I’ll call her back. Well, she says it’s important.

Sergeant Cargill leaves. Leland Stottlemeyer picks up the phone.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hi, Sharona.
Sharona: Captain, Adrian knows what happened on the Ferris wheel. Do you want to meet us at the carnival?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Let me talk to him.

Sharona turns to Adrian Monk.

Sharona: He wants to talk to you.

Adrian Monk shakes his head.

Sharona: Ohh. He’s shaking his head “no”.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Was it Kirk?

Sharona turns to Adrian Monk.

Sharona: Was it Lieutenant Kirk?
Mr. Monk: No.

Sharona speaks on the phone.

Sharona: No.
Captain Stottlemeyer: This is crazy Sharona. Put him on the phone.

Sharona sighs.

Sharona: Adrian, he really wants to talk to you.
Mr. Monk: I’m not taking to him.

There’s a long pause.

Mr. Monk: If you wanna hold the phone up, fine.
Sharona: Hold on.

Sharona Fleming holds the phone up.

Mr. Monk: It was Leonard Stokes. He planned the whole thing from prison. His trial was coming up and somehow he had to get his confession thrown out. The only chance he had was to discredit the cop that arrested him, and that was Adam Kirk.

Flashback ensues.

Mr. Monk: Stokes called his pal, John Gitomer. He convinced Gitomer to lure Kirk onto the Ferris wheel and then make it look like Kirk beat him up. The bruises on Gitomer’s chest were self inflicted. That’s why his sweatshirt was zipped up all the way.

Sharona listens on the phone.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, what about the stabbing?
Sharona: Captain says, “What about the stabbing?”

Sharona holds the phone up.

Mr. Monk: I’m getting to that, aren’t I? Turn it back. It turns out Gitomer only knew half the plan. He was the real patsy. Stokes had another partner, someone who worked at the carnival. Someone who loved him. Someone who would kill for him.
Sharona: Ferris wheel operator?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Wait, how does he know it was the Ferris wheel operator?
Mr. Monk: They were both wearing Straight and Sober buttons—orange ones. Every chapter has its own color. Took me a while to put it together. Stokes didn’t want to make Lieutenant Kirk look corrupt or hot-tempered. He wanted to make Kirk look like a killer. Kitty was there to finish the job.

Leonard Stokes talks to Kitty Malone.

Kitty: They’ve been here all week. I’ve been questioned, seven times.
Stokes: Shh. Kitty, baby, I got a plan.

Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming arrive at the carnival. Sharona is still on the phone with Leland Stottlemeyer.

Sharona: Yeah. Yeah, we’re here. We’re by the Spider.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Don’t do anything. Don’t go anywhere. We’re on our way.
Sharona: Okay. Okay.

Sharona Fleming hangs up and turns to Adrian Monk.

Sharona: They’re on their way. They’re on their way.

Adrian Monk looks at the Ferris wheel.

Mr. Monk: Something’s wrong.

A woman screams.

Man: Call an ambulance!

Adrian Monk runs to where the commotion is.

Man: Who is it?
Sharona: Excuse me.

Kitty Malone lay dead on the ground.

Sharona: Oh, my God.
Man: I don’t know. I heard her scream.
Mr. Monk: He’s still somewhere in the park. There’s now way he can get out of here now.
Sharona: We should go up on the Ferris wheel so we can see everything.
Mr. Monk: I got a better idea. You go on the Ferris wheel. You can see everything.

Sharona Fleming rides the Ferris wheel.

Sharona: Do you know how to work it?
Mr. Monk: How hard can it be?

Adrian Monk pushes a button and the Ferris wheel starts moving.
Sharona Fleming looks around.

Sharona: Adrian, stop! It’s perfect!

Adrian Monk pulls the lever. The Ferris wheel stops.
Leonard Stokes emerges from one of the Ferris wheel baskets.

Stokes: Looking for me? Well, here I am. You better hang on. This ride’s gonna get pretty wild.
Sharona: Adrian! Oh, God. Adrian! Adrian, he’s up here! Get me down now!
Mr. Monk: What?
Sharona: Stokes is up here! Get me down. Now!

Adrian Monk pushes the lever, but he Ferris wheel does not move.
Leonard Stokes gets up.

Woman: The man’s getting up! Whoa! What is he doing?
Sharona: Adrian, get me down! Please hurry! Hurry up!
Mr. Monk: I’m trying!
Man: Look out!
Mr. Monk: What a stupid place to hide!

Adrian Monk struggles with the lever.

Mr. Monk: No wonder this guy spent half his life in prison.
Sharona: You just told me down there that you know how to do this!
Mr. Monk: Look, I’m not familiar with this particular model!

Adrian Monk pushes the buttons.

Sharona: Do something and do it fast! Oh, my God! Damn it! He’s gonna get me.
Mr. Monk: It’s not working.
Sharona: Hurry up! Would you stop thinking and do something?

The Ferris wheel starts moving. Adrian Monk tries to pull the lever and it breaks.

Sharona: Adrian! He’s got a knife!

Adrian Monk jumps on the Ferris wheel.

Mr. Monk: Ohh. Oh, my God.
Sharona: Adrian!

Sirens wail. Leonard Stokes make it to Sharona Fleming’s basket.

Sharona: Adrian! Help!

Adrian Monk hangs on the side of the Sharona’s basket.

Mr. Monk: What am I doing?
Sharona: You’re saving me!
Man: Police! Turn off the damn Ferris wheel.

The Ferris wheel abruptly stops.
Leonard Stokes’ knife slips from his hand. Adrian Monk’s legs slips off the side of the Ferris wheel.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Give it up, Stokes!

Adrian Monk, Sharona Fleming and a bunch of police officers are in Leland Stottlemeyer’s office.

Captain Stottlemeyer: I’ve been looking forward to this. I’m sure you have too.

Leland Stottlemeyer takes out a badge and gun from his desk.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Your badge and your gun. They don’t belong in my desk. They belong with you on the street where you can do your job.

Lt. Kirk walks over to Leland Stottlemeyer’s desk and retrieves the badge and the gun. They shake hands.

Lt. Kirk: Thanks.
Lt. Disher: Welcome back.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Your reinstatement is effective immediately. All right, vacation’s over. Back to work.
Mr. Monk: Just a—just a second.

Adrian Monk straightens out Adam Kirk’s badge.

Lt. Kirk: Monk. Thanks.

The police officers leave. Adrian Monk looks at Leland Stottlemeyer.

Mr. Monk: Wait a minute. Is that an order?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, it is.

Adrian Monk and Sharona are in the park.

Sharona: How did you guess the jellybeans?
Mr. Monk: Sharona. Sharona, just give me the shoe.
Sharona: No.

Adrian Monk sits on a bench with his feet up missing a shoe.

Sharona: Not until you tell me.
Mr. Monk: Come on. This is not funny. I can’t walk.
Sharona: How did you do it?
Mr. Monk: All right, I’ll tell you. As we walked into the carnival, there was a pile of garbage.
Sharona: Pile of garbage?
Mr. Monk: Yes, and I noticed that they were throwing away some empty jellybean boxes. They were labeled. Each one contained 1,400 jellybeans. There were six boxes to that’s 8,400 beans. You figure the kid who ran the game ate a couple of handfuls so that’s 8,385. Now, can I have my shoe, please?

Sharona Fleming hands Adrian Monk his shoes.

Sharona: You remembered how many empty boxes you saw? Yes, it’s a blessing and a curse.

Adrian Monk puts on his shoe and stands up.

Mr. Monk: Please don’t ever take my shoes again.

Sharona Fleming giggles. They walk away.

Mr. Monk: It’s not funny. It never will be funny.

Sharona Fleming laughs.

Mr. Monk: It won’t be funny the next time you do it. Stop laughing.

This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Mr. Monk Goes to the Carnival” episode was written by Siobhan Byrne O’Connor. Monk is owned by Universal Media Studios in association with Mandeville Films and Touchstone Television.

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