Friday, February 22, 2008

Mr. Monk and the Billionaire Mugger – Monk Transcript 1.6

Adrian Monk, Sharona Fleming and Fraidy CopInside a mansion…

Woman: Sidney? Where are you going?
Sidney: Oh, I didn’t tell you? I have a lecture.
Woman: Another lecture? They’re gonna have you on the faculty.
Sidney: I don’t mind. It’s good to give back.
Woman: You don’t owe them anything. You just gave them half a million dollars last year.
Sidney: That’s just writing a check. I won’t be late. I’ll try not to wake you.
Woman: You can wake me.   Continue reading...

Sidney makes his way out.

Sidney: Good night, Maria. Good night, Caroline.
Caroline: Have a pleasant evening, sir.
Sidney: Mrs. Danvers.

Sidney makes his way to his chauffered car.

Chauffer: Good evening, sir. Are we all set?
Sidney: Yeah, I think I’ll drive myself tonight.
Chauffer: You want the Volvo?
Sidney: No, I think I’ll take the Ford.
Chauffer: I’ll bring it around.
Sidney: Thank you.

Sidney drives away with the Ford SUV. He drives into an alley. He removes his glasses then puts on a fake mustache. He then hides behind a dumpster now wearing a black sweatshirt.

Woman: So what did you think?
Man: Oh, I hate to go first. Tell me what you thought.
Woman: I liked it.
Man: I liked it too. I really liked that actress. What was her name again?

Sidney pulls out a knife.

Woman: Jean something.

The man and the woman stand in the parking lot.

Man: Okay, where’s my car?
Woman: It’s over there.

Sidney steps out of the shadows and yells.

Sidney: Give me your wallet! Now!

The woman screams.

Man: Oh, my God! Okay. Everything’s cool.
Sidney: Don’t be a hero.

The man pulls out a gun.

Sidney: Hey, what are you—

The man shoots Sidney on the chest several times.

Sharona Fleming is walking down the street to an ATM to withdraw $60.00, but the ATM machine says she has insufficient funds. She kicks the machine.
Adrian Monk is in his house studying police reports on Trudy’s murder. Sharona Fleming enters his house. He accidentally knocks the lamp off the table.

Sharona: Do you have any idea how hard it is to be a single parent?
Mr. Monk: Um, no.
Sharona: My paycheck bounced, Adrian.
Mr. Monk: The lamp—
Sharona: What are you gonna do about it?
Mr. Monk: Guess I’ll just have to sweep it up.
Sharona: No, I’m talking about the money. I thought Leo Otterman paid us.
Mr. Monk: He gave me an IOU. He said he was a little short.
Sharona: No, no, no, no. Leo Otterman is not a little short. We just recovered one of his Picasso paintings that is worth over $2 million.
Mr. Monk: He said he wasn’t liquid or whatever. He had some cash flow thing.

Adrian Monk goes to the broom closet and takes a broom and a dustpan.

Sharona: Adrian, this is a business with clients and expenses. I know money doesn’t matter on Planet Monk, but I have a kid that expects three meals a day and sometimes gets sick.

Adrian Monk sweeps up the shattered light bulb.

Sharona: If I miss another paycheck, I’m quitting. This is very important, so I’m gonna say it again. If you miss one more paycheck, I’m quitting.

The phone rings. Adrian Monk hands the broom to Sharona Fleming and he answers his phone.

Mr. Monk: Hello?
Sharona: It better be a job.

Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming make their way to the crime scene.

Sharona: Now, don’t give in. Okay? A 10 percent raise isn’t asking for too much.
Mr. Monk: You’re right. You’re right. Ten percent? You can’t argue with that.
Sharona: And don’t solve anything until they agree. As soon as you tell them who did it, we lose our leverage.
Mr. Monk: You’re right. You’re right. Captain! I see the circus is in town.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, yes. It’s gonna get a lot worse.
Sharona: Captian, Adrian wants to talk to you about our fee.
Mr. Monk: That the shooter?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, Archie Modine. He’s an ex-cop. He was second lieutenant in Palo Alto. I already checked him out. He was a straight up good cop. Now, he’s the head of security at CK Pharmaceuticals.
Sharona: Uh, Captain. About our fee, we want—
Mr.Monk: Sharona.
Sharona: We want to talk.
Mr. Monk: Sharona, please.

Adrian Monk turns to Leland Stottlemeyer.

Mr. Monk: Walk me through it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It’s pretty routine till we get to the punch line. Modine and his date are walking to their car over here. The, uh, perp is over here. Now, the perp pops out with a knife. Modine pulls out his piece. .38 caliber. I already called. He’s licensed. Bang. Bang. Bang. Three in the chest.
Mr. Monk: So, I just have one question. What am I doing here?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Here comes the punch line. Our perp…is Sidney Teal.
Sharona: The computer guy?
Mr. Monk: Get out of town.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Take a look.

Leland Stottlemeyer uncovers the corpse of Sidney Teal.

Captain Stottlemeyer: That’s what $5 billion looks like.
Mr. Monk: Get out of town. What in God’s name was he doing?

Leland Stottlemeyer takes off the fake mustache and puts it in a plastic bag.

Captain Stottlemeyer: I think maybe…that this is how he got his kicks. I mean, that kind of money can make a person crazy.
Mr. Monk: Yeah. I wouldn’t know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, right. Anyway, that’s my theory. If you’ve got a better one, I’d really like to hear it.
Mr. Monk: Well—
Sharona: No. No. Captain, we can’t start working until we talk about our fee.
Mr. Monk: Sharona, could you give me a second here.

Sharona Fleming walks away.

Mr. Monk: You know, this is insane.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, it’s crazy. It gets crazier. Check this out.

Leland Stottlemeyer uncovers the dead Sidney Teal’s leg.

Captain Stottlemeyer: This guy’s wearin’ knee pads.
Mr. Monk: Knee pads?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, and he’s got elbow pads.
Mr. Monk: Was he planning on going Rollerblading after?

An annoyed man talks to Randy Disher.

Man: I live right up there.
Lt. Disher: Sir, sir, sir. Excuse me. Just step back.

Randy Disher resumes his questioning.

Lt. Disher: Okay. So you were coming out of the theater and heading toward your car?
Archie: That’s right. I had my keys out, which now I can’t find.

Adrian Monk picks the keys on the ground with his pen.

Mr. Monk: Excuse me, sir. Are these yours?
Archie: Yeah.

Archie Modine takes the keys from Adrian Monk.

Archie: That’s great. Thanks. I appreciate it.
Lt. Disher: Hey, Mr. Modine. What happened next?
Archie: Well, he came at me with a knife, and he—he said something.
Woman: He said, “Don’t be a hero”.
Lt. Disher: “Don’t be a hero?”
Archie: Yeah. Anyway, I pulled my piece and I got three rounds off.
Lt. Disher: Guess he didn’t realize he was messing with a second lieutenant.

The man interrupts the questioning.

Man: I just live right up there. I saw the whole thing. That’s exactly what happened.
Archie: Hey, Lieutenant. Is that really Sidney Teal?
Lt. Disher: I’m afraid so.
Archie: Geez.

Sharona Fleming shows Leland Stottlemeyer the contract.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Five hundred dollars a day, plus expenses.
Sharona: Well, I think that’s more than fair. He’s never had a raise.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I can’t authorize an increase like this, Sharona. You’re gonna have to take this downtown. Talk to Shelly Berger, your pal.
Mr. Monk: Yeah. Yeah, that’s right. We’ll deal with it later.
Woman: Can I say something? I’d like to file a complaint against one of your cops.
Lt. Disher: Excuse me?
Woman: There was a cop standing right over there who saw the entire thing. After Archie shot the guy, the cop just turned and ran away.
Reporter #1: Did you get a badge number?
Woman: I’m afraid I didn’t.
Reporter #2: Captain! Do you have a policy for a police officer just to flee like that?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I have no comment because it’s ridiculous. All right? There is not an officer on this force that would run away from a scene of a crime. It is inconceivable.
Woman: But I know what I saw! He ran away!
Man: I saw it too. He ran away.
Reporter #1: Why would an officer flee the scene? Are you covering something up? What’s going on? Captain, what’s going on?

The next day, Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming are inside the car.

Mr. Monk: Speed limit’s 35.
Sharona: I am going 35.
Mr. Monk: Thirty-seven. Thirty-eight now.
Sharona: Why couldn’t you just hold out for the raise? I can’t believe you just folded like a cheap suit.
Mr. Monk: Tent. For the record, I folded like a cheap tent.
Sharona: Did you call Leo Otterman?
Mr. Monk: I haven’t been able to reach him. “Yield”. The sign says “yield”.
Sharona: There’s nobody there. I mean, you’re the best detective in the free world, and you can’t find one deadbeat client?

A screeching sound is heard.

Mr. Monk: What’s that noise?
Sharona: It’s the alternator.
Mr. Monk: Why don’t you have it fixed?

Sharona Fleming gives Adrian Monk a telling look.

Mr. Monk: Oh.
Sharona: Okay, here’s plan “B”. We are gonna solve this case as fast as we can, okay? A billionaire with too much time on his hands went crazy.
Mr. Monk: I don’t know. What about the kneepads?
Sharona: No, no, no. Forget the kneepads. A billionaire went crazy, and that’s it. We’re gonna take credit for it this time, get a little publicity, and then I’m gonna call Sheldon Berger in the mayor’s office and demand a 10 percent increase.
Mr. Monk: Speaking of money—whoa!

Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming look in awe at the Teal mansion.

Sharona: We are in the wrong business. Not just us. Everybody in the world, except this guy, is in the wrong business.

Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming meet Mrs. Teal.

Mrs. Teal: We’re building a guesthouse in the backyard. I was supposed to meet with an architect today. Do you know what I did instead? I made funeral arrangements.

Mrs. Teal sniffs.

Mr. Monk: I know it’s a terrible time, Mrs. Teal. We—we just have a couple of questions.
Sharona: Yeah, um, the police think that Sidney was having a midlife crisis.
Mrs. Teal: That’s true. It started about a year and a half ago. Sidney just changed. He started trying new things, crazy things—renting motorcycles, and bungee jumping, skydiving. He said he loved the rush of it.
Mr. Monk: He loved the rush?
Mrs. Teal: Well, I used to say I married Batman.

Mrs. Teal chuckles.

Mrs. Teal: I never imagined in a million years that he’d do anything like this.

Adrian Monk starts rearranging the photographs on the piano.

Mrs. Teal: Robbing someone with a knife. I don’t know what he was thinking.
Sharona: Adrian, my sister has this same painting on her shower curtain.
Mr. Monk: Huh.

Adrian Monk resumes his conversation with Mrs. Teal.

Mr. Monk: And did he go out often—at night, alone?
Mrs. Teal: The police asked me that same question. Um, recently he started going out late.

Adrian Monk continues fussing with the picture frames, but the maid stops him.

Mrs. Teal: Once or twice a week. He always had a good excuse.

Adrian Monk resumes rearranging the photographs.

Mrs. Teal: I feel like an idiot, really.
Mr. Monk: Why do you think he was wearing kneepads last night?
Mrs. Teal: I have no idea. Oh, I’m sorry. I must look terrible.
Sharona: Oh, no. No, no. You look fine.
Mrs. Teal: Thank you.
Mr. Monk: I just have one more question. When did your husband start wearing eyeglasses?
Mrs. Teal: About three years ago, I guess. Why?
Mr. Monk: No reason.

Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming step out of the house.

Sharona: Why did you ask her about the glasses?
Mr. Monk: So, I could tell which photographs were the most recent. There are about 200 pictures in that room. They documented everything.
Sharona: And?
Mr. Monk: No bungee jumping. No skydiving. The most exciting thing Sidney Teal’s done in the last two years is go to Disneyland.

Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming enter their car.

Sharona: Not exactly Batman.
Mr. Monk: This guy? He was—What’s the opposite of Batman?
Sharona: You are.

Sharona Fleming starts the car engine, but it would not start.

Sharona: Damn it, I hate this car! Damn it, damn it, damn it!
Mr. Monk: Why don’t you try saying “Damn it” a few more times? That might help.

Sidney Teal’s chauffer looks at Sharona Fleming’s car engine.

Mr. Monk: And how long have you worked for Mr. Teal?
Chauffer: Seven years. Who am I talking to?
Mr. Monk: Oh, I’m not a cop.
Chauffer: I knew that. Cops take care of their cars.
Sharona: He’s a private consultant. The police call him in whenever they’re stumped.
Chauffer: Oh, yeah? Well, join the club. I’m stumped too.

The chauffer hands a part of an engine to Adrian Monk.

Chauffer: Could you hold that?
Mr. Monk: Excuse me?
Chauffer: Could you hold that for a sec?

Adrian Monk looks at Sharona Fleming. She takes the greasy engine part.

Mr. Monk: So do you believe what they’re saying—that Mr. Teal had a dark side, a secret life?
Chauffer: Mr. Teal didn’t have a life except for his computers. Boy Scouts used to laugh at him. You know, he didn’t drink, he didn’t smoke, he wouldn’t even let me start the car until we both buckled up.
Mr. Monk: Did he have much of a temper?
Chauffer: Huh? No. Mr. Teal—he was a pussycat. Here’s an example. Last year, there was a—there was a break in down the street, and Mr. Teal bought a gun for protection.
Mr. Monk: Wait a minute. He owned a gun?
Chauffer: He owned it, but he never used it. I drove him to the practice range, right? He couldn’t even pull the trigger. He just froze up.
Mr. Monk: So, how do you explain last night?
Chauffer: Must have been hypnotized, most I can figure out.
Sharona: That could make sense.
Mr. Monk: No, you can’t hypnotize someone to do something they wouldn’t ordinarily do. What about Mrs. Teal?
Chauffer: What about Mrs. Teal.
Mr. Monk: Would you say she was a pussycat?
Chauffer: No, she’s more like a tiger. But I never worked for her. I worked for him. She made that clear. Look, truth is, I’ll be out of a job soon, so if you’re looking for a driver, let me know.

The chauffer turns to Sharona Fleming.

Chauffer: Hey, is he a good boss?
Sharona: Well, my last paycheck bounced. I can’t take a vacation because he can’t live without me. And two nights ago, he called me at 4:00 am…because he saw a cockroach.
Mr. Monk: It was pretty big.
Sharona: Yeah.
Chauffer: Try it now.

Sharona Fleming starts the engine.

Chauffer: Ah, that should be all right for a while.
Mr. Monk: What do we owe you?
Chauffer: You want to thank me? Find out what happened to my boss. You know. It’s funny. Mr. Teal had it all. More money than God, a beautiful wife, but he was the loneliest man in the world. I was the chauffeur, and I felt sorry for him.
Sharona: You felt sorry for your boss? I can only imagine what that would feel like.
Mr. Monk: Get in the car. I’m gonna do what I can.
Chauffer: Thank you.

Randy Disher enters Leland Stottlemeyer’s office.

Lt. Disher: Captain.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You just missed the deputy commissioner. Guess what he wanted to talk about? Murder rates sparking? The Sidney Teal investigation? No. All he wanted to know was what we’re doing about the runaway cop.
Lt. Disher: Fraidy Cop.

Randy Disher drops the newspaper on Leland Stottlemeyer’s desk.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Excuse me?

Leland Stottlemeyer takes the newspaper.

Lt. Disher: That’s what they’re calling him. We, uh, sort of pieced together the route he took.

Randy Disher goes over to a blown up map. He sighs.

Lt. Disher: I don’t know. Okay.

Randy Disher takes a pushpin.

Lt. Disher: After the shooting, three people saw him running west towards the park here, and on 19th, here, he flagged down a taxi.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He took a taxi?
Lt. Disher: Yeah, it gets worse. He, uh, threw up in the backseat. Yeah, but we did get his blood type from the vomit. The taxi then, uh, dropped him off at a bar upon Geary Street…there, where he sat in a booth at the back, apparently drinking bourbon and crying.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He was crying? Oh, dear Lord.
Lt. Disher: About midnight, an older woman in a brown station wagon was seen picking him up. Possibly his mother.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He called his mom?
Lt. Disher: Yeah.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, that son of a bitch better hope I don’t find him first.

Leland Stottlemeyer looks at the cartographic sketch of Fraidy Cop.
Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming visit the late Sidney Teal’s office, which is filled with flowers.

Woman: Why don’t you put those, uh, over there?

The man takes the flowers to where the woman told him to.

Woman: Thank you.
Sharona: He certainly had a lot of friends.
Woman: It’s been overwhelming.

The woman points at a bouquet of flowers.

Woman: These are from Bill Gates. Those are form the governor. And look at all these letters.

Adrian Monk takes a rose from a vase filled with flowers.

Woman: Excuse me. What are you doing?
Mr. Monk: This one was sticking up. You’ll thank me later.

Adrian Monk takes a scissors from the woman’s desk.

Mr. Monk: How long have you worked for Mr. Teal?
Woman: I was with him from the beginning—the very beginning, when he was working out of his garage. He was probably happier there. We only had two phone lines.

Adrian Monk snips the stem of the rose.

Woman: We had to fill all the orders ourselves.

Sharona Fleming takes a book from a pile of books.

Woman: That’s his autobiography. You can have one.

Adrian Monk puts the rose back in the vase.

Woman: Sidney loved signing them for people.

Adrian Monk takes a bunch of roses from the vase.

Woman: Now, what are you doing?
Mr. Monk: I made that one too short, so now I have to cut the others. Make ‘em all even. I’m sure you understand. When was the last time you talked to Mr. Teal?
Woman: That evening. Um, he called on his way home to ask about Tony Bennett.
Mr. Monk: Not—the singer. Tony Bennett?
Woman: Myra’s a big fan. Sidney was taking her to Vegas to see his show. He was arranging for Tony Bennett to meet them at the airport.
Mr. Monk: Wow. Tony Bennett.
Woman: He was going to surprise her. He loved doing that.

Sharona Fleming takes a card from one of the bouquet of flowers.

Mr. Monk: Mrs. Butterworth, do you have any idea what Sidney Teal was doing in that parking lot?
Mrs. Butterworth: No, I still can’t believe it happened. I’m still in denial.

Adrian Monk cuts the stems of a bunch of roses.

Mrs. Butterworth: Mugging somebody. For what? Maybe $40? Well, maybe he went crazy. Do you think that’s possible, Mr. Monk?

Adrian Monk puts the bunch of roses back in the vase.

Mrs. Butterworth: For a man to be normal one day and then suddenly go crazy?

Adrian Monk manages to align the bouquet of roses.

Mr. Monk: Yes!

Adrian Monk turns around to find Mrs. Butterworth shocked at his remark.

Mr. Monk: I meant the—

Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming visit a lamp store.

Sharona: This is the fifth store, Adrian.
Mr. Monk: I have a good feeling about this place.
Sharona: Oh. What about this one?
Mr. Monk: Nah, the other one was silver and it swiveled.
Sharona: You don’t have to buy the exact same lamp.
Mr. Monk: What do you mean?
Sharona: You could buy a different lamp.
Mr. Monk: Different lamp?
Sharona: Yeah. Adrian, what about this one? This is great.
Mr. Monk: Yeah, but it’s not silver. The other one was silver.
Sharona: It’s just a lamp. If you were blindfolded, you wouldn’t know the difference.
Mr. Monk: If I was blindfolded, well then, why would I need a lamp?
Sharona: Okay, that was a bad example. Look, they’re all basically the same. What about this one? This is great.
Mr. Monk: Yeah, but it doesn’t swivel. The other one swiveled.
Sharona: I think you should try something different for a change. They probably don’t even make your stupid lamp anymore.
Mr. Monk: What do you mean?
Sharona: Maybe it’s been discontinued.
Mr. Monk: Discontinued?
Sharona: Why don’t you buy a lamp factory and make your own? It’d only cost you $500,000, but at least you’d have your precious lamp.

Adrian Monk smiles and gives out a sigh of relief.

Mr. Monk: There it is. This is it.

Later, Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming are at the cashier.

Sharona: You’re buying three?
Mr. Monk: Two are backups.

Adrian Monk notices the help wanted sign.

Mr. Monk: Why don’t you fill out an application?
Sharona: Maybe, I will.
Cashier: $95.75.

Adrian Monk looks at Sharona Fleming.

Mr. Monk: Would you mind? I’ll pay you back.
Sharona: Where’s your wallet?
Mr. Monk: I’m having it, you know, buffed.
Sharona: Oh!

Adrian Monk looks at Sidney Teal’s picture that’s on his book.

Mr. Monk: Look at that face. There’s no way this guy walked on the wild side. No way.
Sharona: I don’t know. People surprise you.

Sharona Fleming sighs.

Sharona: You know, when we were in his office, I saw some flowers from his old fraternity, Phi Beta Tau. I used to date a guy from that frat. It was pretty intense. He told me about two guys who almost died during initiation. There was, like, these secret ceremonies and weird handshakes. Look who I’m talking to about weird handshakes.
Cashier: Excuse me. It’s declined. We accept cash.
Sharona: Adrian, this is unacceptable! It is just unacceptable. You have to pay me!

Sharona Fleming pays the cashier cash.

Sharona: Did you try calling Leo Otterman again? Huh? Did you?

Adrian Monk is silent.

Sharona: What’s wrong?
Mr. Monk: On his key chain he had an insignia, Phi Beta Tau.
Sharona: W—Well, who did?
Mr. Monk: The guy—the guy who shot Teal. Archie Modine. They were in the same fraternity. Oh, my God.
Sharona: What?
Mr. Monk: They knew each other.

The police interrogate Archie Modine.

Archie: This was a lot more enjoyable when I was on that side of the table.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, you’re on the right side of the table, Modine.
Archie: Look, Captain, I’m not lawyering up here, am I? I’m talking to you. All right? I screwed up. I admitted it.
Lt. Disher: Oh, yeah. He screwed up.
Archie: I withheld information. I filed a false report. All right? I—I—I knew the guy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, why the hell didn’t you tell us that before?
Archie: I was protecting…a friend.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Mrs. Teal.
Archie: That’s right. I mean, I just didn’t want to drag her into all this. You understand that.

Leland Stottlemeyer and Randy Disher are silent.

Archie: Maybe not. I just didn’t think anybody would connect us. I mean, how did you find out?
Captain Stottlemeyer: We had a little help.
Archie: Sidney Teal was two years ahead of me at Cal State. We were in the same frat, but I didn’t really know him.
Lt. Disher: How did you meet his wife?
Archie: Fund-raiser for the college. You know. Sidney was in the spotlight, but my interest was more in Myra. And as the kids say, we hooked up. It was a fling. I mean, I hardly remember it. Teal must have found out and—and, you know—oh, come on, Captain. He came at me with a knife. What would you do?

Leland Stottlemeyer speaks at a press conference.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Sidney Teal did not suffer a nervous breakdown. The incident on Harrison Place was, in fact, a crime of passion. We believe that Mr. Teal, was in fact trying to murder Mr. Modine, who was linked romantically at one time with Mr. Teal’s wife, Myra. Over the next 10 days, the D.A.’s office is going to decide whether or not they want to press charges against Mr. Modine for filing a false report. Any questions?
Reporter #1: Captain, is there any news on Fraidy Cop?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No comment.
Reporter #1: Captain, there’s a story in today’s Tribune that says the department knows the identity of Fraidy Cop, but is refusing to release it.
Reporter #2: Is that true, Captain?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No comment.

All clamor.

Captain Stottlemeyer: All right. Hey, hey. Hang on. I have another statement. Here it is. The next reporter that asks me about this so-called Fraidy Cop is going to be banned from all press conferences for a year.

Sharona Fleming hands Randy Disher an invoice.

Sharona: Here’s our invoice for the Teal case. We’d like to get paid.
Lt. Disher: Don’t you usually just mail this in?
Sharona: We’re in a rush.
Lt. Disher: A little short, huh?
Sharona: Yeah, so are you. Just initial it where it says, “job completed to satisfaction,” please.

Adrian Monk takes the invoice from Randy Disher.

Sharona: What are you doing?
Mr. Monk: It’s not over.
Sharona: No, no, no, no.

Sharona Fleming takes the invoice form Adrian Monk.

Sharona: Don’t do this. The case is closed. You heard the press conference.

Sharona Fleming gives the invoice to Randy Disher. Adrian Monk grabs it from him.

Mr. Monk: He owned a gun.
Sharona: Who did?
Mr. Monk: Sidney Teal. If he wanted to kill Archie Modine in that parking lot, why didn’t he bring the gun?
Sharona: I don’t know. He brought a knife.

Sharona takes the invoice and gives it to Randy.

Mr. Monk: It wasn’t a very big knife. It only had a four-inch blade.

Adrian Monk grabs the invoice.

Mr. Monk: And I don’t think Teal knew about that affair. He was planning a romantic getaway with his wife, remember?

Sharona takes the invoice from Adrian.

Sharona: Look, we need to get paid. I need cash. The stores in my neighborhood insist on money.

Sharona passes the invoice to Randy.

Mr. Monk: I’m sorry.

Randy hands the invoice to Adrian Monk.

Mr. Monk: I’m really, really sorry. I can’t. There’s more to it.
Sharona: If you don’t submit that invoice, I’m quitting. Now, I’m going to give you until three. No, not 3:00, I’m counting to three.

Sharona Fleming sighs.

Sharona: One, two, three. Call me the minute you grow up.

Sharona Fleming leaves. Adrian Monk turns to Randy Disher.

Mr. Monk: What should I do?
Lt. Disher: I don’t know.
Mr. Monk: No. Tell me what to do.
Lt. Disher: I can’t do that.
Mr. Monk: Well, can you find somebody who will tell me what to do?

Adrian Monk walks aimlessly, but remembers to touch poles. He finds a sheet of glass with a smudge. He wipes it off. He drops the wipe. Adrian bends down to get it just in time to dodge a bullet fired at him. He screams and watches a yellow mustang screech away.

Sharona Fleming now works at the lamp store.

Man on radio: So this Fraidy Cop situation is getting out of control. The San Francisco P.D. just bought a bunch of new squad cars that only go in reverse.
Man #2: You know what I heard: Every officer is being issued some new equipment—a white flag and a diaper! But they better do it up tight, ‘cause there’s a cold snap coming.

Adrian Monk is at Dr. Kroger’s office.

Dr. Kroger: A drive-by shooting? Do they have any leads?
Mr. Monk: Nothing on the bullets. They found the car a few blocks away. Stolen. A hundred percent clean. No prints.
Dr. Kroger: You know, you, you, you don’t seem very upset.
Mr. Monk: Well, it means I’m making someone very uneasy, and that’s not such a bad thing.
Dr. Kroger: Well, Sh—Sharona must have been terrified.
Mr. Monk: She quit. We had an argument about money. She took a job at a lamp store at Prospect Street. She’d rather sell lamps than work for me. Let me ask you something. Two weeks ago, she bought me this mug, it said “World’s Greatest Boss”. Are you allowed to do that—buy someone a mug and then just quit?
Dr. Kroger: Well see, I—I don’t think mugs are legally binding, Adrian.

Adrian Monk chuckles.

Mr. Monk: I never had to think about money. Trudy used to pay all the bills.
Dr. Kroger: While we’re on that subject, there—there is something that I have to say.
Mr. Monk: Oh? Now, you se, this can’t be good.
Dr. Kroger: Well, no. The—the—the—the—fact is that, um, you see, I haven’t been paid for the past nine weeks, nine sessions. Now, that’s a lot of money.
Mr. Monk: Oh, my God. You’re gonna leave me too.
Dr. Kroger: No, no, no. I did not say that, Adrian.
Mr. Monk: I’m gonna be all alone. What a time to be me.
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, I promise you. No one is leaving you.
Mr. Monk: Sharona did.

Adrian Monk gasps for air.

Dr. Kroger: Are—are—are you okay?
Mr. Monk: I hate owing you money. I just—I just hate it. Listen, until—until we get squared away, I’m gonna have to start seeing you twice a week.

Sharona Fleming reads Sidney Teal’s autobiographical book. She turns to a customer.

Sharona: Uh, excuse me? Miss? We’re closing.
Customer: Now?

Sharona Fleming hurriedly puts the book inside her purse.

Sharona: That’s right!
Customer: What for?
Sharona: The holiday.
Customer: What holiday?
Sharona: It’s lamp day.

Adrian Monk sits on his desk reviewing Trudy’s murder case. He looks at the picture of his late wife and talks to her.

Mr. Monk: How was our day? I bought a lamp. Three, actually.

Adrian Monk falls asleep on his desk. A honking horn wakes him. He notices a piece of evidence that was dropped on the floor. It is a burnt piece of paper with “530 Kelly Street re. Mr. Simon” written on it. Adrian Monk gets up from his chair in a rush.

Sharona Fleming visits Sidney Teal’s ex-girlfriend Angie DeLuca.

Angie:I’ve been meaning to buy the book. Did it really mention me?

Angie DeLuca turns to her daughter.

Angie: Drink your milk.
Sharona: Yeah, it was just one line in chapter three. He said he loved you.

Angie DeLuca scoffs.

Angie: I’m surprised he even remembers me. We only dated, like, two or three times. Sidney was a Junior. You know, you could already tell that he was gonna be rich or famous. The guy was a genius. I should’ve married the schlub.
Sharona: Wait, wait, wait. Uh, hold on one sec.

Sharona Fleming writes down the woman’s remark.

Sharona: He was a junior—
Angie: Can I ask you something?
Sharona: Yeah?
Angie: Is this your first case? Uh, no. But I usually work with a partner.

Adrian Monk knocks on a door. An old groovy woman answers the door.

Mr. Monk: I’m looking for Kelly Street.
Bonnie: Oh, Kelly’s not home. I’m her sister, Bonnie.
Mr. Monk: Ah, my name—
Bonnie: It doesn’t matter. Come on in.
Mr. Monk: Thank you.

Adrian Monk follows Bonnie inside the house.

Bonnie: Kelly should be back any minute. Can I get you anything? We have, uh, Hi-C or grape juice. Oh, how about some homemade applesauce?
Mr. Monk: No, I’m fine. I’m just perfect,
Bonnie: So, you say your wife was a writer.
Mr. Monk: Yeah, she was a columnist for the Examiner. She—she died four years ago. She was murdered.
Bonnie: Oh, dear. What’s the world coming to?
Mr. Monk: I don’t know ma’am. I ask myself that everyday.

Adrian Monk takes something out of his pocket.

Mr. Monk: This—this was from—from her appointment book.

Adrian Monk takes the piece of evidence and shows it to Bonnie.

Mr. Monk: See, this was her last entry. I always thought that 530 Kelly Street was an address, but then this morning.

Adrian Monk snaps his fingers.

Mr. Monk: It hit me. It’s a name—Kelly Street.

Bonnie becomes excited.

Bonnie: Well, her real name’s Katrina. I was the first one to call her Kelly.
Mr. Monk: Right, and—and the 530 is not a house number. It means half past 5:00, of course. So, Trudy must have been planning to meet your sister on that day. Something about a Mr. Simon, you see. Who—who is that? Is that a friend of the family?
Bonnie: Oh, Mr. Simon was her dog.
Mr. Monk: Dog?
Bonnie: When Mr. Simon passed away and died, Kelly couldn’t bear to bury him, so she had him stuffed.

Bonnie gets up from her chair.

Bonnie: Some people found it peculiar. Your wife was probably writing a little story about her.

Bonnie walks past the dog.

Mr. Monk: Um, do you mind if I touch him?
Bonnie: Oh, of course.

Adrian Monk pulls out a pen and moves closer to the dog.

Mr. Monk: Taxidermy always fascinated me.

The dog barks at Adrian Monk. Startled, he stumbles almost falling on the floor.

Bonnie: What are you doing?
Mr. Monk: That—

Adrian Monk breathes heavily.

Bonnie: That’s not Mr. Simon, silly billy. That’s the Colonel.
Mr. Monk: The Colonel.

Bonnie takes the stuffed furry small, white dog.

Bonnie: This is Mr. Simon.
Mr. Monk: Oh--

Kelly Street arrives.

Kelly: Oh, company!
Mr. Monk: Oh, thank God. Are you Kelly Street? Mrs. Kelly Street?

Adrian Monk offers his hand.

Kelly: You don’t remember me?
Mr. Monk: I’m—I’m sorry.
Kelly: Mr. Monk, you’ve been here three times. You come every year, asking about your wife.

Adrian Monk falls silent.

Bonnie: Oh, dear.
Kelly: You should right it down, Mr. Monk…so you don’t forget.
Mr. Monk: You’re right. You’re right, I…must have blocked it out.

Sharona Fleming continues her conversation with Sidney Teal’s ex-girlfriend.

Sharona: In the book, Mr. Teal said somebody mugged you on your first date, but he didn’t really…give any details.
Angie: Technically, we weren’t mugged. We were almost mugged.

Angie DeLuca recalls the incident in a flashback. A guy wearing a hooded sweatshirt and ski mask runs toward her and Sidney Teal with a knife.

Angie: I was scared to death. I just froze. He had a knife.
Sharona: He had a knife?
Angie: But Sidney, he lunged at the guy. They started fighting.

Sidney Teal struggles with the mugger. The mugger drops the knife. Sidney pushes him.

Sidney: Come on!

The mugger runs away.

Angie: I couldn’t believe it. Sidney really stood up to him. I didn’t think he had it in him.
Sharona: Did he say anything?
Angie: Who?
Sharona: The mugger.
Angie: Oh, geez. That was twenty-years ago. Uh, I think he said, you know, “Give me your money. Don’t be a hero.”
Sharona: He said that? “Don’t be a hero”?
Angie: Yeah. Is that important?
Sharona: Oh, yeah. That is—that is very important. Um—I think I just busted this case wide open.

Adrian Monk walks aimlessly on the sidewalk. He freezes as two skateboarders pass him.
He sees the San Francisco Times newspaper inside a newspaper stand. He opens the stand and fixes the upturned newspaper. He sees Leo Otterman across the street.

Mr. Monk: Leo? Leo?

Leo Otterman just stepped out of a fancy restaurant. Adrian Monk runs for him.

Mr. Monk: Leo! Leo!

Cars honk at Adrian Monk as he runs across the street.

Mr. Monk: Leo! Leo Otterman! Hi, you remember me? I’m—I’m Adrian Monk.
Leo: Of course I remember you.
Mr. Monk: Yeah, yeah, I—I found your Picasso and I still have not been paid.
Leo: I told you, I need a little more time.
Mr. Monk: Yeah, Leo, and I’m telling you that that is not good enough, sir, okay? Okay, look, Leo. Sharona quit again, and I went to see Kelly Street, because I thought she was an address, but she’s—she’s not an address. She’s—she’s a woman. I’ve been there before three times. Forget that. Just forget all that. Sharona was not there. I can’t pay her, see, and I cannot do this without her.
Leo: Thank you for sharing. I’m sure it’s all very fascinating. Call my office and we’ll work something out.

Leo Otterman boards his chauffeured car.

Mr. Monk: No, Leo. Leo. Wait, Leo. Wait a second. All right, look—look, Leo. Hey.

Adrian Monk stands in front of the car.

Mr. Monk: Okay, look. Leo, I’m not moving. You think I’m bluffing? You’re gonna have to run me down.

The car backs up and drives away.

Mr. Monk: Or back up. One or the other.

Sharona Fleming arrives in her beat-up old station wagon.

Sharona: Adrian! Adrian?
Mr. Monk: Sharona.

Sharona Fleming gets out of her car.

Sharona: Ohh! Oh, my god, I’ve been looking all over for you. Are you okay?
Mr. Monk: Yeah, that was Leo Otterman. I tried to stop him, but he got away. I—I—I wanted to pay you.
Sharona: No, no, no. Just forget about that jerk. Look at this.

Sharona Fleming shows Adrian Monk her notes.

Mr. Monk: What have you been doing?
Sharona: Investigation, I went to see Angie DeLuca. She used to date Sidney Teal in college. Adrian, you’re not gonna believe this. There was another mugging 20 years ago. It was the exact same thing except Sidney Teal was the guy being mugged.
Mr. Monk: What?
Sharona: Now, get this. The mugger from 20 years ago said, “Don’t be a hero.”
Mr. Monk: Really? That’s interesting.
Sharona: See? I knew it was interesting. I mean, I didn’t know why, but I knew.

Adrian Monk smiles.

Sharona: I know that look. You got it, right?

Adrian Monk arrives at the Teal mansion. He is met by Leland Stottlemeyer and some reporters.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Are you sure about this?
Mr. Monk: Yes.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You hesitated. Why did you hesistate?
Mr. Monk: I was thinking about something else.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Modine! Thank you for coming.
Archie: What the hell is going on, Captain?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Monk wants a few moments of everybody’s time, I think that’s not too much to ask.

Reporters mob Leland Stottlemeyer.

Reporter #1: Captain Stottlemeyer, any leads on the Fraidy Cop?

A police officer pushes the reports away from Leland Stottlemeyer.

Officer Moratta: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey, hey. You want to ambush people, you join the army, okay? The captain’s trying to work here, people. He doesn’t have time for your crap. Now, step back, please. Step back.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well done, Officer Moratta.
Officer Moratta: Thank you, sir.

Leland Stottlemeyer followed by Adrian Monk, Officer Moratta and Sharona Fleming enter the mansion.

Mrs. Teal: I wish I’d known you were coming. I could’ve had Mrs. Danvers prepare something.
Lt. Disher: This isn’t a party, Mrs. Teal.
Archie: I guess you can’t believe everything you read. Newspapers said the investigation was closed.
Sharona: Theirs was. Ours wasn’t.
Mrs. Teal: My attorney says that I can file a harassment case whenever I feel like it.
Sharona: Mrs. Teal, your lawyers are gonna have enough to do to keep you off of death row.

Mrs. Teal is shocked.

Mr. Monk: You’ll be needing an attorney too, sir, for the murder of Sidney Teal and the attempted murder of me. The drive-by shooting.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Both of them?
Mr. Monk: They were in together, Captain. I’ll tell you what troubled me from the very beginning—the kneepads and the elbow pads. When your husband left that night, he wasn’t planning to mug anyone, and he wasn’t planning to kill anyone. He was just going out to have a little fun. Maybe roll around on the ground.
Sharona: He thought he was gonna help you impress your date, Mr. Modine.
Archie: That’s ridiculous.
Sharona: Is it? You did it before 20 years ago. He wrote about it in his book. Back in college, Sidney had a big date with Angie DeLuca.

A flashback ensues. Sidney Teal is talking with Archie Modine in their dorm room.

Sharona: He wasn’t much of a ladies’ man, and he was trying to impress her.
Mr. Monk: So, the two of you cooked up a plan.
Sharona: Yep, you cooked up a plan.
Mr. Monk: Would you like to tell it?
Sharona: No, no, no, no. You’re—you’re—you’re—you’re better at telling it.
Mr. Monk: Yeah, yeah, yeah, but go ahead. You can—you can tell it.
Sharona: No. You tell it. I’ll tell it next time.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, for God sakes, somebody tell it.
Mr. Monk: It was a harmless little prank.

In the flashback, Archie Modine puts on a ski mask.

Mr. Monk: You pretended to mug Sidney Teal and his date. And for a minute, the mild-mannered computer geek got to look like Superman. And I’m sure you both had a big laugh about it later on.
Archie: You are a nut case. No one’s gonna believe him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: On occasion I’ve been known to believe him. Don’t stop now.
Mr. Monk: Where was I?
Sharona: Twenty years later, Sidney brought Myra to his college fund raiser, and that’s where you two met.

Myra Teal and Archie Modine lay on the same bed.

Sharona: And you met again and again and again.
Mr. Monk: Are you sure you don’t want to tell it?
Sharona: No, no, no. You’re doing great. Just go.
Mr. Monk: A year goes by. You decide that life would be perfect without Sidney Teal around. So, you two hatch a plan. You contacted Sidney, and you reminded him of the time you helped him impress his date, and you asked him if he wouldn’t like to return the favor.
Sharona: You knew he wouldn’t say no. It was a chance for him to relive one of the best nights of his life.
Mr. Monk: And it worked like a charm. To the rest of the world, it appeared that an eccentric billionaire had a nervous breakdown. And if worse came to worst, and anyone connected you with Sidney Teal, you just had to admit that you’d had an affair and claim that the shooting was self-defense.
Archie: That is one hell of a story, Mr. Monk, if you could prove it.

Adrian Monk smiles.

Mr. Monk: He always went the extra mile. That night, your pal Sidney had a little surprise of his own.
Archie: Really?
Mr. Monk: Yes, sir. You see, he’d hired an actor to pose as a cop. So, after you scared off the mugger, the cop was going to run up and commend you for your heroism.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God.
Lt. Disher: Fraidy Cop.
Mr. Monk: I’m afraid so. You see, Captain, I remembered what you’d said—that no cop in your department would ever run from a scene of a crime. And it occurred to me, maybe Fraidy Cop…wasn’t a real cop.
Sharona: I checked all the local costume shops. There was only one cop uniform rented that night.

In the flashback, Archie Modine pulls out a gun.

Sidney: Hey, what are you doin’?

Archie Modine shoots Sidney Teal as Fraidy Cop hides and watches. He runs away after witnessing the shooting.

Mr. Monk: Gentlemen, I’d like you to meet Joseph Moratta.

Adrian Monk points at the actor in police uniform who is standing behind Leland Stottlemeyer.

Mr. Monk: Very promising young actor.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You?
Mr. Monk: Joe wanted me to mention that he can be seen in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof at the Harris Webley Dinner Theater all next week.
Joseph Moratta: You know, when I heard the shots. I guess I kind of panicked. I’m sorry if I caused you guys any problems.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Problems?! Kid, you have no idea!

Mrs. Teal stands up.

Mrs. Teal: I swear. I didn’t know anything about this. This is all his idea.
Archie: Lying bitch!

Archie Modine pulls out a gun and points at Mrs. Teal. Everybody screams.

Archie: Stay back! Stay back!

Randy Disher lunges at Archie Modine, a shot fires.

Lt. Disher: Stay down!
Mrs. Tealr: Archie—

Randy Disher restrains Archie Modine, and other officers help him. Leland Stottlemeyer stand over him with his gun pointed at Archie.

Officer: Give me the arm!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Archie Modine, you’re under arrest for the murder of Sidney Teal. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can be used against you in a court of law.

Joseph Moratta: He’s got a gun! Look out!

Joseph Moratta runs out of the mansion. The reporters run after him.

Reporter #1: Fraidy Cop, just a couple of questions! Please!
Reporter #2: Don’t let him get away!

Leland Stottlemeyer and Randy Disher step out of the mansion to watch Fraidy Cop run away.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Shoot him
Lt. Disher: I can’t do that, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Then shoot me.

Leo Otterman is at the golf course counting money.

Leo: Fourteen hundred, fourteen hundred and sixty. That’s all I have. You didn’t have to call the cops.

Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming is accompanied by Joseph Moratta who is again wearing his police uniform costume.

Leo: Here.

Leo Otterman hands the money to Adrian Monk.

Mr. Monk: I—I prefer not to handle cash.

Sharona Fleming grabs the money from Leo Otterman.

Sharona: Nice doin’ business with you, Leo.
Joseph Moratta: Next time, sir—

Joseph Moratta removes his sunglasses.

Joseph Moratta: Just pay your debts.
Leo: Wait a minute. I know you. You were on the news.
Joseph Moratta: No, no, that was—
Leo: Fraidy Cop!
Joseph Moratta: No, no!

Leo Otterman swings his golf club. Fraidy cop runs away. Sharona Fleming and Adrian Monk quickly walk away from the angry old man.

Leo: Do you know who I am?
Mr. Monk: Look at him go. He’s an inspiration.
Leo: You cowards!
Sharona: I was gonna give him a couple of bucks.
Mr. Monk: Oh, you can send it to him. He’ll be in Canada by tomorrow.
Sharona: Oh, God!
Leo: I’ll kill you!

This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Mr. Monk and the Billionaire Mugger” episode was written by Tim Lea. Monk is owned by Universal Media Studios in association with Mandeville Films and Touchstone Television.

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