Fay talks on the PA.
Fay: Sandpiper Air would like to welcome its arriving passengers to Nantucket, former whailing capital of the Atlantic. For your information a whale’s blowhole can generate enough pressure to propel a small child 40 feet in the air. Isn’t mother nature a hoot?
Joe arrives from his flight.
Joe: Hi, Fay.
Fay: Hey, Joe, how was the flight?
Joe: Uh, fine. Are there any messages?
Fay: Yes. The bank called, your checks are in. And Jerry Stark called three times.
Joe: I don’t know anyone named Jerry Stark.
Fay: That’s funny, he said he was a friend of yours from high school.
Joe: Huh! He say anything else?
Fay: Yes, he said, God bless you.
Joe: Oh, no! Sounds like one of those religious types asking for money.
Fay: Uh, no, I think he said that because I sneezed.
Joe approaches Brian and Helen at the lunch counter.
Joe: Hey, uh, I just got a bunch of messages from a guy named Jerry Stark. He told Fay that he went to high school with us. Do you remember him?
Brian: No, me, neither. Of course, I was so popular, I didn’t have to know everybody. Everybody wanted to know me.
Joe: Yeah, they were obviously attracted to the braces on your teeth and your pizza-like complexion.
Roy goes over to the coffee maker behind the counter.
Roy: Hackett. Helen. Nutcase.
Roy turns around and there’s a refrigerator magnet stuck on the back of his head.
Brian: Say, uh, Roy, uh, I don’t mean to get personal, but, uh, why do you have a miniature bag of French fries stuck to your head?
Roy removes the magnet from his head. He laughs.
Roy: It’s that boy of mine, R.J.
Roy: What a sense of humor. He keeps sneaking up behind me and sticking refrigerator magnets to my head.
Helen: Wh-what makes it stick?
Roy: I got a metal plate right about here.
Roy points to the back of his head.
Helen: Roy, this plate of yours, is this something new?
Brian: I’m—I’m guessing it was elective surgery.
Roy: No. No. It was a typical childhood accident. Happened when I was 8 years old in a little league game.
Brian: Took a fastball in the old coconut, huh?
Roy: No, I was up in the bleachers. I tried to swipe my little brother’s milk duds, and he hit me with a brick.
Helen: Baseball fever. Catch it.
Lowell: Plate in his head! And I thought wooden legs were cool.
Brian: $10 says Lowell’s packing a little sheet metal.
Fay: Joe, your friend, Jerry Stark’s on the phone.
Joe: Again? Oh, God! I hate it when someone knows me and I don’t know them. Well, maybe I’ll remember when I hear his voice.
Helen turns to some guys on the lunch counter.
Helen: Hey, you guys went to Sconset high about the same time we did. Do you remember a guy named Jerry Stark?
Larry: Skinny kid, bad teeth, big blotch on his face?
Helen: No. That was Brian.
Helen points at Brian.
At the Aeromass counter, Roy talks to Lowell.
Roy: So, when you check the inventory, Lowell, see, I want you to…
Lowell goes behind Roy and looks at the back of his head. Roy turns around.
Roy: What are you doin’?
Lowell: Well, I happen to be a student of medical oddities, and to be quite frank, Roy, this—this plate in your head has got me intrigued. Now, if I were to peel back your scalp, what exactly would I see?
Roy: The inside of a body bag.
Joe steps out of his office and walks over to the lunch counter.
Joe: I don’t believe it. I just did something very stupid.
Joe: Well, I—I’m on the phone with this Jerry Stark guy and I was just too embarrassed to tell him I didn’t remember who he was. So I pretended I did. And I just went along agreeing with everything he said. And I agreed to be the best man at his wedding. He—he just sprung it on me. He said I was his best friend. And now he and the future Mrs. What’s-her-face are gonna be here Friday.
Brian: You know, I don’t believe this. Uh, you wouldn’t be the best man at my wedding.
Joe: That’s ‘cause you married my fiancée.
Brian: Excuses, excuses.
Joe: This is crazy. I must know him. Why would a person ask a total stranger to be his best man?
Brian: Ooh, I smell the start of a Hitchcock movie.
Joe approaches Roy.
Joe: Hey, Roy, do you ever remember there being a family by the name of Stark on the island.
Joe: What about you, Lowell. The name Jerry Stark ring a bell?
Lowell: Well, I could be wrong, but I think he’s the guy who played Potsie’s cousin on Happy Days.
Helen enters Joe’s office.
Helen: Hey, Joe. Got our old high school yearbook. Wanna see if we can find Jerry Stark?
Joe: Oh, yeah.
Brian: Heads up.
Brian throws a Frisbee at Joe.
Joe: This has been driving me nuts.
Brian runs to Joe.
Brian: Hey, what are you guys doing?
Joe: We’re uh, looking through the yearbook trying to find Jerry Stark.
Brian: Oh, hey, sounds like fun.
Brian tosses the Frisbee.
Brian: Hey, nice catch, Fay. Gee, you’d think that’d hurt her teeth. Ah, what’s this? The Sconset High whale, right?
Joe: Oh, wait, here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Schaeffer, Simpson…
Joe and Helen moan.
Joe: Jerry Stark, not pictured. Damn!
Helen: The only activity he’s got listed is the French Club. So check and see if he’s there.
Brian: Oh! Hey, hey, hey, look.
Brian: There’s Helen in orchestra.
Helen: Ha! Oh, well, if you can call it that. There were only seven of us so I had to fill both the first and the second chairs.
Brian: Yeah. Looks like you’re spilling over on the third, too.
Helen: Ok, so I was a little pudgy. Well, what are you waiting for, Joe? Turn the page!
Joe turns the page.
Helen: Oh, God, I’d almost forgotten!
Helen takes the yearbook.
Joe: Yeah, yeah, I wish you had.
Helen laughs her heart out. Brian chuckles.
Brian: And what have we here? “Joe Hackett as Marcellus in the Drama Guild Production of Hamlet.” Huh!
Joe: Mmm, nice legs, Joe.
Brian: Yeah. Those tights pretty much showed your name and address, didn’t they? Joe apparently lived in a small apartment. Ooh, yeah. French Club, French Club. Here we go, French Club. And here’s Jerry Stark, third row up, fifth from the left, hmm.
Joe: Oh, I don’t believe it! He’s completely hidden by Karen Stegner’s hair.
Helen: I know this is a long shot, but since he belonged to the French Club—
Helen gets the white pages.
Helen: Do you think our old teacher would remember who he was?
Joe: Monseiur Busard?
Joe: It’s worth a try.
Brian: Busard was such a weird little guy. He always smelled of cheap wine and cigarettes. God, I envied him.
Joe phones Monsieur Busard.
Joe: Hello, Monsieur Busard? Right, right, right. Bonjour. Uh, this is Joe Hackett, and I was wo…uh, pardon? Perdone?
Joe: Can you hold on a second? Uh, s’il vous plait? He seems to be a few croissants short of a dozen. He refuses to speak any English at all.
Brian: All right, well, just tell him to, uh, wait-o a second-o.
Joe: Good, Brian. That’s Spanish.
Lowell enters the office.
Lowell: Joe, uh, Phil’s here. He needs you to check the fuel orders.
Joe: Ok, wait one second, Lowell.
Joe turns to Helen.
Joe: Uh, how do you say “school” in French?
Joe: Wait, y-you speak French?
Lowell speaks French.
Helen: Well, do you Parle enough to ask Monsieur Busard if he remembers a man named Jerry Stark?
Lowell whispers to Joe.
Lowell: What’s the matter? Didn’t that Happy Days lead pan out for him?
Joe: No. No. Can you just ask him?
Lowell takes the phone and starts speaking French.
Lowell: He’s thinking, Joe.
Lowell hangs up.
Lowell: Never heard of him.
Lowell makes his way back to the hangar. His foot gets tangled with the phone line. The phone falls on the floor. Lowell picks it up, but the phone line wrapped around the leg of the chair. The chair falls. Lowell, puts the phone back on the desk and takes his clipboard. He makes his way out again and papers falls off his clipboard.
Brian: Now I know why the French love Jerry Lewis.
Lowell walks down the stairs. He sees Roy and hides behind the wall. Slowly, he walks up behind him. He tries to touch the back of Roy’s head.
Lowell: It’s electrified.
Lowell walks out to the runway.
Joe runs up to the Sandpiper Air counter where Brian and Helen are.
Joe: I’ve got it. I’ve got it. I know who Jerry Stark is.
Helen: And not a moment too soon. His plane just arrived.
Brian: So, who is he already?
Joe: Ok, remember that guy in study hall, the quiet one, sat on the side, average height, medium build, always had sort of a vacant look on his face?
Brian: Oh, good, Joe. You just described half the men in eastern Europe.
Joe: What’s important is I figured it out.
Joe stands in front of the gate.
Joe: Oh, yeah, there he is.
Joe looks at the far distance.
Joe: Boy, he has not changed on bit.
Jerry Stark is in front of Joe, but he still looks at the guy at the runway.
Joe looks at Jerry, looks at Brian and Helen, then looks at Jerry again.
Joe fakes a smile.
Jerry hugs Joe.
Jerry: It’s great to see you, Joe. You look just like I remembered you.
Joe: And you look just like…you.
Jerry: Wow! Look at this, Joe. You’re a pilot. You own your own airline. You realized your lifelong dream.
Joe: Yeah, I guess I did.
Jerry: I realized my dream too.
Joe: Oh, hey, great. So you finally became a …
Jerry nods. Joe stammers.
Joe: Uh, I forget the technical term for it.
Joe: Yeah, that’s it!
Jerry: What a maniac! I’ve missed that great sense of humor!
Brian turns to Helen.
Brian: This guy has been waiting all these years to find someone as funny as Joe?
Jerry’s fiancée enters the airport.
Jerry: Hey, here she is, the future Mrs. Stark.
Jerry approaches his fiancée.
Jerry: Marilyn, say hello to Joe Hackett. Show him your caps, honey.
Marilyn shows Joe her teeth.
Marilyn: Hi, Joe.
Joe: Hi, Marilyn.
Joe and Marilyn shake hands.
Joe: So, uh, where did you two kids meet?
Marilyn: At an auto accident.
Joe: That’s unusual.
Marilyn: It’s what I do. I take pictures at auto accidents and sell them to insurance companies.
Joe: I took an illegal left turn and got nailed by a bread truck.
Marilyn: It’s one of my best shots.
Marilyn pulls out a picture from her bag. They all look at the picture.
Joe: Oh, yeah. Was that Jerry there?
Marilyn: No, that’s a Parker house roll. There’s Jerry! Over there.
Joe: Oh, yeah, I guess they wouldn’t use the jaws of life to save a roll.
Jerry and Marilyn laugh.
Jerry: Didn’t I tell you he had a great—
Marilyn: Great sense of humor! Yes, you did.
Jerry: Come on, Marilyn. You know I hate the way you always—
Marilyn: Finish your sentences. You’re right. Forgive me, honey.
Jerry: Sorry, Joe. It’s really her—
Marilyn: My only fault. At least, that’s what Jerry says.
Joe: Oh, uh, Jerry, Marilyn, I want you to meet—
Joe walks over to Brian and Helen.
Marilyn: Brian and Helen, right?
Jerry: Nice to see you again.
Jerry and Marilyn approach Brian and Helen.
Helen: Hey, Jerry, good to see you.
They shake hands.
Jerry: I told her how you three were practically joined at the hip.
Brian: Oh, yeah, yeah. It was fun for a while, but it was hell having a suit made. Well, we gotta go.
Helen: Yeah, we gotta go.
Helen and Brian walk away from the counter. Brian looks at Joe and shrugs.
Fay: Hi, I’m Fay Cochran.
Fay shakes Jerry’s hand.
Fay: I don’t want to interrupt, but I heard about your wedding and I wanted to add my best wishes.
Fay shakes Marilyn’s hand.
Fay: Marriage is a wonderful institution. I know. I’ve been there three times myself. Uh, marriage, I mean, not an institution.
Marilyn: Thank you, Fay. A-and if I know Joe here, he’s planning a doozy of a bachelor party for you.
Jerry: Bachelor party?!
Jerry looks at Joe.
Jerry: Cool! Joe, you didn’t have to do that.
Fay: Well, of course he did. It’s the best man’s responsibility.
Jerry: Well, I wouldn’t have expected anything less from my buddy. Listen, we gotta go rent a car. We’ll be back in a second. Come on, honey.
Jerry and Marilyn leave. Joe approaches Brian and Helen.
Joe: Did you hear that? This has gotten out of hand. I’m not going through with this. I don’t care how embarrassing it is, I’m gonna tell him right now.
Marilyn: Joe, I just wanted you to know how thrilled Jerry is that you’re going to be his best man.
Joe: Well, I should’ve told him this before, but it’s hard for me to say—
Marilyn: How much you love him. I understand.
Joe: No. What I m-meant to say was I don’t know—
Marilyn: How much you mean to him. Joe, ever since Jerry’s parents died, and with him being an only child, well, you are the closest thing he has to family.
Jerry: Look, Joe, about that bachelor party, I didn’t give you much notice, so, so don’t go to too much trouble. Maybe just get the old gang together.
Joe: Yeah, well, uh, ok. Refresh my memory. Exactly who was in the old gang?
Jerry: Hey, who wasn’t?
Joe: Ok, let’s start there. Who wasn’t in the old gang?
Jerry: Didn’t I tell you? Is he a –
Marilyn: A maniac, or what?
Marilyn punches Joe’s arm.
Jerry: Marilyn, we’re gonna have to have—
Marilyn: Have that talk again.
Jerry picks up their luggage.
Jerry: We’re staying at the Harbor House, buddy. I’ll call you later on.
Joe: Ok, talk to you later.
Jerry and Marilyn leaves the airport.
Joe walks over to Brian and Helen.
Joe: Great. Now, I have to throw a bachelor party for a complete stranger. Where am I supposed to get sleazy entertainment at this hour?
Brian pulls out a business card from his shirt pocket.
Brian: Call this number. Ask for Raven.
Joe: Wait a minute, why do you—
Brian shakes his head.
Joe: Oh, yeah, never mind.
Joe invited some guys to his house for the bachelor party.
Joe: If this was my old gang, I’d shoot myself.
Brian: Look, the only reason these guys are here is because I promised them some hot entertainment. And it better be good, Joey, because if Fay turns up with her slides from Vermont, things could get ugly.
Joe: It’s already ugly. Check out Roy’s pants.
Roy: Uh, don’t worry. I hired an exotic dancer. She’ll be out in a minute.
Brian: All right.
Joe: Wait—wait, who are those guys?
Joe and Brian look at the two strange guys by the fireplace.
Brian: I’m not too sure. They followed me home from the cash machine, so if I were you, I’d keep my eye on ‘em.
Roy: Nice place you got here, Hackett. Say, listen, is that couch treated with that stain-resistant stuff?
Joe: No, why?
Roy: I was just asking. By the way, you’re out of clam dip.
Joe: Oh, check the fridge.
Lowell: I’ll get it, Joe.
Lowell opens the door.
Lowell: Ah, Monsieur Busard.
Lowell and Monsieur Busard talk in French.
Joe: Ok, fellas, uh, things are gonna get started as soon as Jerry arrives.
Joe: Jerry Stark, the guest of honor.
Joe: Just—just act like you’re glad to see him. And if anyone knows who the hell he is, please tell me.
Doorbell rings. Joe gets the door.
Joe: Hey, Jerry, come on in.
Joe: Hey, fellas, look who’s here.
All: Hi, Jerry.
Monsieur Busard speaks in French.
Roy: Hey, Jimmy.
Jerry: Wow! This is great!
Jerry: Hey, Jeff. Larry. And Monsieur Busard. My favorite teacher.
Monsieur Busard speaks in French.
Monsieur Busard: I’ve never seen him before in my life.
Roy: Come on, Hackett, get this show on the road. Bring on the babe.
Larry: Yeah, Brian promised nudity.
Joe: Guys, guys, guys.
Everybody starts chattering. Joe whistles.
Joe: Settle down, everybody. Entertainment’s about to begin. I would like to introduce Salome and her dance of the seven veils.
Music starts to play. Salome in belly dancer clothing enters the living room. They start cheering.
Brian: My compliments on Salome.
Joe: Yeah, her name’s not really Salome. It’s Roberta Mull from the gift shop down on Federal.
Brian: No! Hey, for a second there I thought I was in Morocco.
Monsieur Busard stands up and starts speaking in French.
Monsieur Busard: She’s magnificent.
Monsieur Busard turns to Lowell. Monsieur Busard puts money on Salome. Everybody cheers. Salome’s veil falls off as she turns to Jerry.
Roberta: Jerry? Jerry Stark? You kind of looked like you, but—
Jerry: Oh, Roberta.
Jerry hugs Roberta.
Joe: You know him…too?
Roberta: We dated in high school.
Jerry: When my dad moved us to Ohio, Roberta and I lost touch.
Roy: What’s going on here, Hackett? She going to take it all off or what?
Larry: Yeah, Brian. You said. Naked.
Monsieur Busard: Nudity!
All: Nudity. Nudity.
Jerry: I’ve never forgotten you. Every time I meet a woman, I compare her to you.
Roberta: Can we get out of here, and talk?
Roy takes money from Roberta’s skirt. Jerry removes his jacket and covers Roberta.
Jerry: Look, Joe, I hope you don’t mind, but, uh, we have to leave.
Roberta: Bye, Joe.
Jerry: Oh, by the way, great party.
Roberta and Jerry leave.
Roy: Come on, come on, Hackett.
All: Nudity. Nudity. Nudity.
Brian: Shh, shh, stop. Be quiet. Now—now, Joe, uh, if you ever wanted to dance naked in front of a large group of men, here’s your chance.
All: Nudity! Nudity! Nudity!
At the Tom Nevers Field airport…
Helen: Oh, I think Jerry’s wedding turned out to be pretty special.
Joe Oh, yeah. His best man didn’t know him, he dumped his fiancée and married the belly dancer, and Monsieur Busard got so drunk he choked on a chicken wing. Hey, by the way, Brian, nice Heimlich.
Brian: Hey, it’s the least I could do for my dance partner.
Joe: Well, this whole miserable weekend is almost over. Jerry’s leaving today and he’ll just be a distant memory.
Brian goes over to the Aeromass counter and talks on the PA.
Brian: And now, ladies and gentlemen, live, for the first time anywhere, Mr. and Mrs. Jerry Stark.
Jerry and Roberta arrive at the airport.
Jerry: Brian, you’re a maniac. Look, Joe, before we head off to Boston, Roberta and I wanted to thank you for everything again.
Jerry goes over to the Sandpiper Air counter and puts down his luggage.
Jerry: Especially getting us back together.
Jerry puts his arm around Roberta.
Joe: I gotta say, uh, Marilyn was a really good sport. Imagine, she actually attended the wedding.
Jerry: She was a little down during the ceremony, but she perked up at the reception when the roast beef trolley sideswiped the dessert cart. Now, look you, I want you to promise you’ll come out to Columbus and visit us.
Joe: I’ll try.
Jerry: That’s not good enough. I want you to get out your calendar right now and pick a date. Fall might be good. We could drive to Circleville for the pumpkin festival. Hey, better yet, why don’t we come back for the holidays? You and me around the old Christmas tree sipping sparkling apple cider, listening to Perry Como sing Christmas carols. Imagine that?
Joe: I’m tryin’.
Jerry: And, Joe, you know how much I love kids. Well, Roberta and I’ve decided we’re definitely having a big family.
Roberta: Yeah, and boy or girl, the first one’s gonna be named Joe.
Jerry pats Joe. Joe stammers.
Joe: Now, look. You see, that’s—
Jerry: And of course we want you to be godfather. If anything ever happens to Roberta and me, we would want you to raise our children.
Roberta: All of ‘em.
Joe: No, no. I can’t—
Jerry: Joe, it’s important to us. I’ll have my attorney draw up the papers.
Joe: No, you shouldn’t—
Jerry: I won’t take no for an answer. I just got a great idea. Our kids could spend their summers here with uncle Joe.
Joe: No! No! That can’t happen.
Jerry: Why not?
Joe: Because I don’t know…who you are.
Joe pulls Jerry aside.
Jerry: What are you talking about?
Joe: Look, I should’ve told you this before, but, I don’t remember you. I don’t remember your name. I don’t remember your face. You are a complete blank to me. I’m sorry.
Jerry smiles then laughs. Joe does not.
Jerry: Well, how—how could you not remember me? I mean, I may have only gone to school here for a semester, but we were pals. I know we were.
Joe: Jerry, I—
Jerry: You honestly don’t remember picking me for your team in gym class? Or re-recall that time you made a place for me at your lunch table? Or what about every single day when you were on the way to your locker? I’d be standing at mine, and as you walked past you’d go—
Jerry clicks his tongue.
Jerry: “How’s it going, buddy?”
Joe: Jerry, if I did those things—
Jerry: If, you did them, Joe? I’m not crazy. Next, you’ll be telling me you don’t remember the homecoming game.
Joe: Well, of course, I do. I—I caught a short pass, took it up the middle 62 yards for the winning touchdown.
Jerry: It was 48 yards, Joe, I was talking about after the game. I was standing with this big crowd of kids, and you walked by on your way to that party at the beach. Well, you looked right at me and said, “Hey, come on.”
Joe looks at the floor.
Jerry: We were friends, Joe.
Fay talks on the PA.
Fay: Sandpiper Air Flight 25 for Boston will now begin boarding.
Joe: Well, I’m really sorry to have bothered you. I’ll be going now. And you and your real friends can have a good laugh.
Jerry and Roberta make their way to the plane.
Joe: Hey, Jerry!
Joe: Oh, come on. I’m yanking your chain. Do you think I would go through all of this, be your best man, throw you a bachelor party, if I didn’t remember you?
Jerry: You mean?
Joe: I’m kidding. What did you do? Did you get married and lose your sense of humor?
Jerry: Is this guy a maniac? Maniac! Jeez. Look, we better get going. I’ll call you soon.
Joe; Ok, buddy.
Jerry: Thanks for everything.
Jerry hugs Joe.
Jerry: I can’t believe I fell for that gag.
Jerry hits his head with the tickets. Joe sighs.
Brian: You still don’t have the slightest idea who he is, do you?
Joe: Not a clue.
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “A Stand Up Kind of Guy” episode was written by Dave Hackel. Wings is owned by CBS Studios Inc., Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
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