Joe steps out of his office.
Joe: I just got off the phone. We’re not gonna be able to get the new nose wheel strut till Wednesday. We’re gonna have to cancel all of tomorrow’s flights.
Joe: You think shutting down is good news, Brian?
Brian: No, I just managed to realign my shorts with no hands.
Roy approaches Joe.
Roy: Pray tell, what’s this?
Roy enunciates like a toddler.
Roy: Has the poor little Sandpiper hurt his wing and can’t fly anymore? Oh.
Joe: Yeah, look, Roy, we’re gonna try to reschedule our passengers on some of your flights.
Roy: And what’s that? Ah. Oh. That’s the sound of the happy Aeromass cash register. Ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching. God, I must live right.
Helen: Hey, Joe, any luck finding that part?
Joe: I’m afraid not.
Joe: Why does everyone seem to be thrilled at my teetering on the verge of bankruptcy?
Fay: Because we’re all going fishing on Lowell’s boat.
Helen: Yes, we sort of made contingency plans in case you were grounded.
Joe: You expect me to close up completely.
Fay: No, we’ll put the phone machine on. Come on, Joe, play hooky.
Joe: And what about Lowell? Have you cleared it with him?
Helen: Yes, this morning.
Joe: Oh, then, you haven’t spoken with him lately. He’s in there right now busting his butt trying to repair that old strut. He told me he won’t rest until it’s fixed. Believe me, fishing is that last thing on his mind.
Lowell steps out of the hangar with a fishing rod stuck on his overalls.
Lowell: Uh, somebody give me a hand over here. I was practicing casting and I—
Brian: Lowell, Lowell, please, uh, I think we can piece together the rest of this perplexing mystery.
Joe untangles the rod from Lowell’s overalls.
Joe: What about that strut, Lowell?
Lowell: Yeah, a nose wheel strut is a very tricky piece of equipment, Joe.
Joe: Yeah, you said that an hour ago.
Lowell: I don’t think I said “very”. Sorry, Joe, that sucker’s shot.
Joe: Well, I guess the only question left is, uh, what do we use for bait?
Helen, Brian and Fay cheer.
Helen: Yes! Yes! Yes!
Roy: What’s all that shoutin’ about?
Joe, Brian: Who’s shouting?
Helen: Uh, nothing, Roy.
Fay: We’re just excited about going fishing.
Joe, Helen and Brian turn an angry look at Fay.
Roy: Oh, I haven’t been fishin’ in months.
Fay: Would you like to come with us?
Joe, Helen and Brian turn an even angrier look at Fay.
Roy: With you people? Ha! Not on a bet. I take my fishin’ seriously.
Helen whistles. Brian exclaims.
Brian: Was that close?
Joe: Fay, what were you thinking? Roy always ruins everything. The—the—the V.F.W. picnic, your New Year’s eve party.
Helen: The important thing is, is that he’s not coming this time. So, why don’t we meet here in the morning? I’ll make us some coffee and we’ll take the jeep down the marina.
Fay: Uh, would you like me to put together a little picnic lunch?
Helen: Oh, Fay, that would be great. Don’t go to too much trouble, just, you know, make some sandwiches.
Fay: You want me to make something? I—I—I was just gonna pick up some salads at the deli.
Helen: Oh, ok, great.
Fay: No, I’ll make sandwiches.
Helen: Ok, whatever.
Helen enters the kitchen.
Fay: She wants me to make something.
Brian and Joe look at her baffled.
Fay: Why doesn’t she make something? She’s the one who’s up to her ankles in cold cuts all day.
Helen returns. Fay puts on a smile.
Fay: Uh, turkey or ham and Swiss?
Helen: Uh, ham and Swiss.
Helen goes back to the kitchen.
Fay: Sure, pick the complicated one.
It’s very early in the morning, Helen pours coffee into a thermos. Brian arrives and walks like Frankenstein.
Helen: Morning, Brian.
Brian walks over to the lunch counter.
Helen: Hey, what are you doin’?
Brian follows Helen around.
Helen: Brian! What are you doin’? Come on, you’re not asleep. All right.
Helen pulls out a chair to block Brian.
Helen: Stop right there.
Brian steps over the chair. Helen runs.
Helen: Brian! Quit it!
Helen runs into the Sandpiper Air office and closes the door.
Helen: I mean it!
Brian walks into the door and continues to walk into it. Helen opens the door. Brian tumbles. Helen steps out of the office.
Helen: Honestly, Brian, you are such a child.
Brian: Morning, mom. Time to got to school yet?
Helen: I can’t believe I’m up before Willard Scott.
Fay arrives with a picnic basket.
Fay: Good morning.
Helen: Morning, Fay.
Brian: Oh, Fay, you look wiped.
Fay: Why wouldn’t I? I was up half the night cooking.
Brian takes a peek inside the basket. Helen does the same.
Helen: Oh, Fay, this looks wonderful.
Fay: Oh, Helen, I’m so sorry for all those awful things I said to you.
Helen: What awful things?
Fay: Oh, that’s right. I was talking to…oh. Never mind.
Joe arrives, looking like a boy scout.
Helen: Hey. Nice duds, Joe.
Brian: ah, say, old bean, give me the keys to the car. I left the sunscreen in there.
Joe opens a zipper on his vest to look for the keys. He opens another one and another one and another one.
Brian: Forget it. I’d rather burn than watch this.
Helen: We better get goin’, Lowell’s waiting.
Joe: Hey, Helen, it’s gonna be hot today. Why didn’t you wear shorts?
Helen: I didn’t have time to shave my legs.
Brian: Oh, whoa! Check, please.
Brian and Joe look disgusted.
Joe: Really, couldn’t you have made something up?
Helen: Oh, for Pete’s sake.
Roy arrives with a cooler and a radio.
Roy: Mornin’, all.
Joe’s mouth drops.
Joe: Roy, what are you doing here?
Roy: Well, I thought you debutants needed a real fisherman along.
Roy points to Fay.
Roy: You did invite me, didn’t you?
Fay smiles and nods.
Brian: Yeah, we sure did.
Brian turns to Fay. Joe gives her a piercing look. Helen looks at her with disappointment. Fay looks at them.
Fay: Would you please stop doing that?
Helen: Well, should we all get going?
Roy: Now, I hope you guys like Slim Whitman. I’ve got 75 of his greatest hits. Not available in stores, you know.
Roy makes his way out.
Brian: Why—why did he have to show up?
Joe: Forget about it. We’ll have fun anyway. Hey, and don’t worry about that fishy smell getting on you. I brought plenty of lemon wedges and paper towels to wipe our hands on.
Brian: Why did I have to show up?
Back at the airport, Roy arrives laughing. Fay follows him soaking wet, shivering and wrapped in a blanket. Joe, Helen and Brian look the same way as Fay.
Roy: I can’t believe you bozos fell for that.
Helen: You yelled, “Fire, fire! Abandon ship.” What were we supposed to do?
Roy: You did what you were supposed to do.
Roy laughs his heart out.
Roy: You know, you really are a fun little group. Oh, come on. Don’t be sore. After all, you got me back when you said there was another sausage roll, but there really wasn’t. Look, Friday night at Helen’s. Trivial pursuit, right? I’m good at that game, so watch out.
Helen: Wait a minute. How did he know?
The three turn to Fay.
They lead Fay to the Sandpiper Air office. They sit her on a chair at the center of the office.
Joe: Fay, you invited Roy for Friday night, didn’t you?
Brian takes the lamp and spotlights Fay.
Brian: Give me 10 minutes with him, lieutenant. I’ll get it out of her.
Fay: I might have mentioned some—
Helen: Oh, Fay! When did you tell him? When we were bobbing up and down in the water?
Fay: No. Before that, Miss Sarcastic pants.
Brian: You know, I don’t believe this. We’ve been trying to plan a Trivial Pursuit night for ages. And now, Roy is hornin’ in on it. Uh, uh, no way is he comin’!
Fay: He has to come. He’s making his famous pasta salad.
Fay: It’s really quite good.
Joe: No kidding? Does he use fresh or dried pasta?
Fay: Fresh tortellini stuffed with basil and cheese.
Joe: Mmm. That sounds good.
Helen: I hear he makes his own mayonnaise.
Joe: Really? You know, I tried that once. Yeah—
Brian: Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Joe: That’s ‘casue you don’t—
Brian: Can we exchange recipes later, please? We’re talking about Roy, here.
Joe: Yeah, Brian’s right. Fay, you’re gonna have to uninvited him.
Fay: No, I can’t. Please don’t make me. I’m terrible at that. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. No, I’m sorry, but I can’t.
Fay stands up and makes her way to the door.
Fay: I wish I could, but I can’t. No, no way. Uh-uh.
Joe: Fine, I’ll do it. Uh, Helen, could you ask Roy to come in here, please?
Helen jumps off the desk and makes her way out.
Joe: Brian, freeze.
Brian: I didn’t move.
Joe: Yeah, but you were thinkin’ about it. I just want you in here to back me up. Just go along with whatever I say, all right?
Joe: Yeah, come in.
Roy opens the door.
Roy: What do you want, Hackett?
Joe: Uh, come on in. It’s about Friday night.
Joe: Uh, listen, we’re really only doing this for Fay’s benefit. It’s probably gonna be a drag. So, um, I’m gonna do you a favor and let you off the hook. You don’t really have to come.
Roy: This isn’t about Fay, is it? You just don’t want me there, do you?
Brian: Basically, no.
Roy points a finger at Brian then Joe. Roy starts blubbering.
Roy walks away crying.
Brian: I think we underestimated his sensitivity level.
Joe: Who knew he had one.
Later that night, Roy hasn’t stopped blubbering in his office. Brian, Fay, Joe and Helen stand outside his office.
Joe: Do you believe this?
Brian: 15 minutes and counting.
Fay: Poor Roy, he’s probably embarrassed, because he let his emotions get the better of him.
Helen: Well, it’s not like we would laugh or make fun of him or anything.
Roy continues to blubber. They all start laughing.
Joe: Come on! Come on. We can’t do this.
Helen: That’s all.
Roy blubbers. They start laughing again.
Fay: Maybe we should re-invite Roy for Friday night.
Joe: Ah. What the hell? Why not?
Roy opens the door and starts sniffling.
Roy: You people must really think I’m pitiful.
Brian: Why would we think that?
Joe: Listen, Roy, maybe we were a little hasty before. We’d really like to have you Friday night.
Roy: Oh, Hackett, you’re just saying that.
Helen: No, Roy. We would really like for you to be there.
Helen pats Roy.
Helen: Really would.
Roy: All of you?
Brian forces a smile.
Roy: Well, in that case. Kiss off. I don’t need you. I don’t need the kind of people who would turn their backs on a man who was obviously lonely, and wanting of a little friendship. Granted, we have to work together in this airport because of our jobs, but beyond that, beyond these walls, you people are dead in my eyes.
Roy goes back to his office and closes the door.
Brian: Do you think if we ask him nicely he’ll still make the pasta salad?
Roy enters the Sandpiper hangar. He starts tapping on a wing to get Joe’s attention.
Joe: Oh, hi, Roy.
Roy: Hey, Hackett. Uh, shining her up, huh?
Roy: You go ahead. Don’t let me stop you.
Joe resumes cleaning his plane.
Roy: You know, watching you do that takes me back a bit. I—I used to do the same thing when I got my first airplane.
Joe: No kidding.
Roy: It was an old Dehavilland twin otter I got from some guy in Delaware.
Roy opens a window and looks inside the plane.
Roy: Yeah, she wasn’t much to look at, but there was somethin’ about her that…I don’t know. She was special. God, I loved that plane.
Joe: Yeah, I know how you feel. Whatever happened to her?
Roy: I torched it and made a bundle in insurance.
Roy: Well, I guess I—I better be getting’ back.
Roy jingles the keys in his pocket.
Joe: Is there something you wanna talk about, Roy?
Roy: No. No. Yeah. How do you do it, Hackett?
Joe: Do what?
Roy: I mean, we both run commuter airlines on this island. Business-wise, you might say we’re on the same level.
Joe: Yeah, except, as you always remind me, I have 1 plane and you have 6.
Roy: And I’m about to buy a 7th. I’m trying to be nice here, all right. What I’m sayin’ is, business-wise, we’re he same, but—but personal-wise…you know, um, you know, social, social-wise, I can’t compete.
Joe: Roy, uh—
Roy: People like you, Hackett. Not just in this airport, but all over the island. Hell, even I like you and I can’t stand you. How do you do that? How do you make people like you?
Roy punches a wing. Brian wipes it.
Joe: You can’t make people like you, Roy. Uh, I guess if people like me, maybe it’s ‘cause, uh, I treat people the way I like to be treated.
Roy: Oh, no, not that golden rule crap again.
Joe: Well, maybe it’s corny, but it works. And I guess it helps that I like people.
Roy: I like people. Well, except for the bozos and the weirdos and the incompetent jerks like…
Joe gives Roy a telling look. Roy scratches his head.
Roy: Ok. Ok. Ok. What do you do if you don’t like people?
Joe: There’s no big secret to it, Roy. Listen, a minute ago you said that you were trying to be nice. Well, don’t try to be nice. Be nice. People will respond in kind.
Roy: They will?
Joe: Believe me, they will.
Roy: Even certain people on a certain Friday night?
Joe: We’d love it if you’d join us, Roy. Really.
Roy: I’d be delighted to attend.
Roy makes his way out.
Joe: Oh, hey, Roy.
Roy: Don’t worry. I’ll bring the pasta salad. I’m not stupid.
Roy: Oh, and thanks, Hack—thanks, Joe.
Joe: Sure, Roy.
Roy laughs nervously. It’s Friday night and all are in Helen’s house except for Roy.
Joe: I’m tellin’ you. If you guys could have seen Roy in the hangar the other day, he was like a little boy.
Lowell: Did he still have the mustache?
Helen: Ok, Joe, if he’s nice to us. We’ll be nice to him. Everybody agree?
Fay: I agree.
Joe: I say we pants him and roll him off the pier.
Roy knocks on the door. Helen opens the door.
Helen: Hi, Roy.
Joe: Hi, Roy, come on in.
Helen: You look great.
Roy: Hello, good people.
Helen: Would you like me to put that in the fridge for you?
Roy: Oh, please, please, Helen.
Roy hands the bowl of pasta salad to Helen.
Roy: Oh, let me—let me know when you wanna serve it. I like to toss in the fresh dill at the last minute.
Joe: Boy, you really are a gourmet cook, huh, Roy?
Roy: Oh, yes. I enjoy cooking. It provides me with a creative outlet.
Brian: Ah, that’s not the only outlet it provides you with.
Brian pats Roy’s belly then laughs. Roy forces a laugh.
Roy: That’s delightful, Brian.
Fay: Well, shall we begin the game?
Joe; Yeah, ok, before we start, uh, we gotta choose teams. Now, first, we each take a scoring wedge or “pie”, as they’re sometimes called. Then we hold out our hands containing the scoring wedge or “pie”, and when I say “now” we open our hands saying “declare” as we do. The matching colors are teams, ok? All right.
Lowell starts picking his wedge followed by Fay, Brian, Helen then Roy.
Fay: Do we actually say “declare” or do we just hold out our hands?
Joe: No, we say it.
Brian: Oh, that is stupid. Why?
Joe: ‘cause that’s the way you do it.
Joe gets a wedge.
Joe: Ok, ready? Now.
They all hold out their hands.
Brian: Aw, it was even stupider than I thought.
Joe: Ok, teams are: Helen and me, Brian and Fay, Roy and Lowell.
Roy looks at Lowell concerned. Lowell waves at Roy and makes his way beside him. Roy pats him on the back and chuckles.
Helen: Roll to see who goes first.
Helen rolls the dice.
Fay rolls the dice.
Roy rolls the dice.
Roy: 6, all right. We are first.
Lowell: Can I be captain, Roy? My kids never let me.
Roy: Not on your—
Joe nudges Roy.
Roy: Uh, sure. Why not?
Roy hands Lowell the dice then clicks his tongue and salutes at Lowell.
Roy: Hey, captain, huh?
Lowell rolls the dice.
Lowell moves their token.
Lowell: Entertainment. This is my best category.
Joe: Ok, ready? “What lovable redhead and her real-life Cuban husband starred in their own television series in the’50s?”
Roy tries to whisper the answer to Lowell’s ear.
Joe imitates a buzzer.
Joe: Lucille Ball.
Roy: Ok, Lowell. Ok, ok, Lowell. That was a –that was a good try. They’re both redheads. But, uh, let’s confer before answering, huh?
Roy nudges Lowell.
Roy: We’re partners.
Lowell puts his arm around Roy.
Lowell: Right, partner.
Roy: Partners who don’t touch.
Fay: “What happened at 16 minutes and 11 seconds past 5:00pm eastern standard time on Thursday, November 9, 1965?”
Brian: Joe vacuumed something.
Joe looks at Helen.
Joe: I have no idea.
Helen: Me, either.
Fay: The lights went out.
Helen: The blackout.
Fay: I was in Quigley’s market.
Roy: I was watchin’ T.V.
Joe: Yeah, I was in the garage.
Brian: God, the stories.
Brian picks his teeth with a toothpick. Roy rolls the dice.
Roy: All right. Lowell, this is a pie question, so pay attention, huh?
Joe: “What does Simon Wiesenthal hunt?”
Joe imitates a buzzer.
Joe: Fugitive Nazis.
Roy: Simon Wiesenthal hunts Ann-Margret?
Lowell: Well, I thought he might be one of those crazed fans, Roy.
Roy: Crazed? I’m gonna show you crazed—
Joe: Roy, take it easy. Roy, we’re just trying to have a nice evening.
Roy: You’re right, Joe. I’m sorry, Lowell. I’m sorry.
Later, Brian and Fay confer. Joe imitates a clock ticking.
Brian: Must you do that?
Fay: It is kind of annoying, Joe.
Joe: Don’t let the clock run out on you. Ding! Sorry. The answer is “smell”.
Brian: I forgot the question.
Joe: What sense is closely linked to memory?
Brian: Oh, that’s right, my nose is stuffed up. I can’t remember a thing.
Roy rolls the dice.
Joe: Science and nature. “Who is the largest user of silver in the world?”
Joe imitates a buzzer. Roy stands up.
Joe: The Kodak Corporation.
Roy: Lowell, are you nuts? Ann-Margret, the largest user of silver in the world?
Lowell: Have you seen her Vegas act, Roy? That gal’s got some jewelry.
Roy: Joe, couldn’t you just say, “Is that your official answer?” Before you say right or wrong, huh?
Joe: Yeah, sure. Is this your official answer?
Joe imitates a buzzer.
Joe: Kodak Corporation.
Roy: You just lost the captaincy, pal!
Later, Roy talks very close to Lowell.
Roy: Don’t say a word. Don’t make a sound, don’t move, don’t even breathe. All right. Hit it.
Joe: “Who was the black woman who on December 1, 1955 refused to give up her seat on a Montgomery bus to a white man?”
Joe imitates a clock ticking.
Roy: Um, it was…
Lowell leans to Roy to tell him the answer.
Roy: No, no, no, no. Um…
Roy babbles. Lowell whispers his answer to Roy.
Roy: No, no way, I’m not gonna say that. Forget it, no. Um…
Fay whispers her answer to Brian.
Lowell: Maybe it doesn’t have much of a chance, Roy, but it seems to me, if we don’t say something. We don’t have any chance at all, but I defer to my captain.
Roy: Uh, um…Ann-Margret.
Joe imitates buzzer.
Joe: Rosa Parks.
Roy: For crying out loud, Lowell, why do you think Ann-Margret’s the answer to everything?
Lowell: I’ve played this game before and trust me, Ann-Margret is the answer to one of these questions.
Roy gets off his chair.
Roy: That’s it! That did it. Fay, I’m on your team. Brian, say hello to your new partner.
Brian: But I was winnin’.
Roy: Life’s hard. Suck it up. Well, well, Fay, I believe it’s our turn.
Roy rolls the dice.
Roy: Ah-ha. Entertainment. There we go, Fay.
Joe: “What actress married to Roger Smith sang the title song in the film Bye Bye Birdie?”
Brian looks at Lowell. Lowell shrugs. Roy sighs.
Roy: Boy, these questions are tough.
Fay: I think it was Ann-Margret.
Roy: No, no, no, no, don’t say that, Fay. It can’t be.
Roy: No, Fay, Fay, I’m not gonna say that. I’m not gonna answer “Ann-Margaret”. I don’t care if it’s right or wrong. Do you hear me, Fay? No, no, no, no, no, no. Ida Lupino.
Joe: Is that your official answer?
Roy: Yeah, yeah.
Joe imitates a buzzer.
Roy takes the box of clue cards and throws them.
Roy: I tried, Hackett. I really did, but you didn’t say anything about Lowell being my partner. No one could have taken that. No one on this Earth. No offense, Lowell.
Lowell: None taken, Roy.
Roy: Let’s just go back to the way things were, shall we? I’ll treat you the way I’ve always treated you and you treat me the way you’ve always treated me. I think that’s the way it’ll – it’ll work best for us.
Lowell: Bye, Roy.
Roy mutters then walks out the door.
Joe: He really did try to be nice.
Helen: Yeah, he did. Maybe one of us should go get him.
Joe: Forget it. I won’t.
Fay: Not me.
Helen: I really can’t.
Joe: Oh, wait, wait, wait, I know how we can decide who goes. We’ll each take a scoring wedge or “pie”—
Fay and Helen make faces.
Brian: No, no, no, no. I can’t sit through that again. I’ll do it.
Roy: I forgot my pasta bowl.
Roy takes the pasta bowl.
Roy: Oh, by the way, I’ll see you guys Sunday at Joe’s barbecue.
They all turn to Fay.
Fay: He’s making corn bread.
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Sports and Leisure” episode was written by David Angell. Wings is owned by CBS Studios Inc., Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
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