Joe enters the hangar where Lowell is fixing the plane.
Joe: How we doing here, Lowell?
Joe climbs the wing and squats beside Lowell.
Joe: Did you find the trouble yet? Was it the magneto?
Joe: Is the fuel injector clogged?
Joe: Do you have any idea what the problem is?
Joe: W-what is it?
Lowell: You’re standing on my hand.
Joe jumps out.
Joe: Sorry, why didn’t you say something?
Lowell: Well, it kinda felt good at first. Took my mind off of this mess.
Fay: Joe, I don’t know how much longer I can stall the passengers. They just finished all my butter cookies, and they’re starting to get a crazed look in their eyes.
Joe: Well, it looks like we might have to cancel this flight too. Just ask them to be patient.
Fay: Well, ok, but when we run out of Cheez Doodles, it’s every man for himself.
Lowell: Well, that’s a relief.
Joe: Oh, did you find the problem?
Lowell: No, but it looks as if I could save this fingernail.
Fay speaks on the PA.
Fay: May I please have your attention? Uh, we regret to inform you that Sandpiper Air Flight 14 to Boston has been furthered delayed due to mechanical difficulties.
All passengers groan.
Fay: But on the bright side, freedom and democracy have broken out in Eastern Europe.
One of the passengers makes his way to Aeromass’ counter. Roy talks on the PA.
Roy: Aeromass Flight 126 to Boston will begin boarding shortly, and thank you for choosing Aeromass, the airline that believes in actually transporting people from one place to another.
McCoy enters the airport and walks straight up to the lunch counter.
McCoy: How about a cup of coffee, pretty lady.
Helen: Coming right up.
McCoy: Say, what happened to that fat old geezer that used to run this place? What was his name?
Brian: Ah, still know how to turn off the ladies, huh, McCoy?
Brian crumples his newspaper.
McCoy and Brian shake hands.
McCoy: You old prop-wash, you. How are you?
Brian: You guy. Ah, you know me, still flying, still lying.
Brian: Helen Chapel, Danny McCoy.
McCoy: Hi, Helen, I’m guessing you’re a Sagittarius.
Helen: I’m guessing you’re not a high-school graduate.
Brian: Hey, you better bail out, Danny. About to crash and burn. So, what’s going on with you guy.
McCoy: Well, I’m flying an Air Express Company now. How about you?
Brian: Uh, I’m flying a hot little Cessna 402.
Joe approach Brian from behind.
Brian: Got a little commuter operation here…
Brian: That my brother actually owns and was kind enough to give me a job on. Danny McCoy, this is my brother Joe.
McCoy: Hi, Joe.
Joe and McCoy shake hands.
Joe: Hey, Danny. How you doin’?
Joe goes behind the lunch counter to join Helen.
McCoy: Boy, seeing you is really weird. A couple of weeks ago, I was in St. Croix and I ran into your ex-wife.
Helen: I hope you were in your car at the time.
Brian: Saw Carol, huh?
McCoy: Yeah, she looks great. Here’s a newsflash for you. Remember that guy Carol left you for?
Brian: Uh, vaguely.
McCoy: She dumped him, too.
Brian: Really. Hoo-hoo.
McCoy: I can’t believe you’re so calm. That jerk stole your wife.
Brian: Hey, man, it’s no big deal. I mean, I stole Carol from Joe and we both laugh about it. Right, Joe?
Joe feigns a laugh.
Brian: Yeah, it’s all ancient history. It’s a mere footnote in the book of Brian Hackett’s life, a vastly entertaining volume by the way. “I just couldn’t put it down,” says Judith Krantz.
Joe: “I couldn’t keep it down,” says Joe Hackett.
Helen: Speaking of the dry-heaves, how is Carol?
McCoy: Am I sensing a certain history here?
Brian whines reticently.
Helen: That woman lived to humiliate me. She did a pretty good job on these guys, too.
Brian: Well, I’ll say one thing for her. She taught me one of the great lessons in life: chasing women sure beats catching them.
McCoy: Yeah, you’re better off without Carol. Let her move to London.
Brian: Carol’s moving to London?
Helen: First the blitz, now this. Haven’t those people suffered enough?
McCoy: Said she got a job over there. She’s packing up and leaving the 24th, I think.
Brian: 24th, that’s—that’s today, huh?
McCoy: Well, I better shove off, looks like the fog’s rolling in.
McCoy shakes hands with Joe and Helen.
Joe: Hey, take it easy, Danny.
McCoy shakes Brian’s hand.
McCoy: Hackett, I’ll call you. Well raise some hell.
Brian: You betcha.
McCoy: Listen babe, sorry about that crack about your father.
Helen: Yeah, for a moment there, I thought we were gonna grow old together, but you grew old real quick.
McCoy pretends to be hurt. He leaves.
Joe and Brian walk away from the lunch counter.
Joe: Well, what do you know? Another guy ground to dust by the Carol-machine.
Joe: Man, are we lucky to be rid of that woman.
Brian: Yeah, all right, let her go off to England and wreak havoc on the men of the British empire.
Joe: Boy, is she gonna be disappointed when she finds out Big Ben is a cluck.
Joe: Sure, you’re ok?
Brian: Ok? I’m great. Why wouldn’t I be? The woman means nothing to me. I—I—I can’t even remember what her face looks like. I’m gonna sit here quietly. Forget the rest of her.
Brian sits on a lunch counter stool. Joe goes inside his office.
Brian runs to the Sandpiper Air counter to use the computer.
Fay: Brian, what are you doing?
Brian: Tryin’ to get a little information on a passenger who’s flying to London.
Fay: No, uh, that’s against regulations.
Fay stops Brian. Brian takes the keyboard away from Fay.
Brian: No, no, no, no, Fay! This is love.
Fay: Well, I love you, too, but rules are rules.
Brian: No, you don’t understand, Fay. I’ve got to get in touch with Carol. This might be my last chance to win her back.
Brian continues to type on the keyboard.
Brian: Ah! Here she is.
Fay: You’re a naughty boy.
Brian pinches his own ear and feigns a sob.
Brian: There? You happy? Oh, look at that, Fay. Carol Hackett, St. Croix to Miami, Miami to…oh my God. Oh my God. She’s got a 4-hour layover in Boston. Do you know what that means?
Fay: Yes, her travel agent should be flogged.
Brian: No, no, this is a sign.
Brian dials the phone.
Brian: A signal that she wants me to try to contact her. So, I’m going to leave a message at the gate in Boston for her. Hello? Yes, I want to leave a message for a—a passenger arriving from Miami. Yes, that’s right. Her name is Carol Hackett. Yes, the message is:
Joe steps out of his office and approaches Brian from behind.
Brian: “Meet me at the top of the Prudential Building…tonight, 8:00. I’ll be there. Brian.” Yes, top of the Pru. Right. Thanks.
Brian hangs up turns around to find Joe. Brian yells.
Brian: Oh! Man.
Joe: What’s going on?
Brian: Hey, great news, Joe. Great news. Carol is stopping in Boston on her way to London.
Brian: Hahaha! Yeah, starting to all fit together, huh? Subconsciously, she’s hoping to bump into me.
Joe: Are you out of your mind? 5 minutes ago, we agreed she was poison.
Brian: Yeah, but that was the old Carol. She’s changed since then.
Joe: Brian, this is really a stupid idea.
Brian: It is not stupid.
Helen: You know the guy that sits in the park and lets pigeons eat popcorn out of his mouth? Well, even him would think it’s a stupid idea.
Joe: Yeah, assuming that I buy any of this for a second, which I don’t, why are you going to the Prudential Building? Why don’t you just meet her at the airport?
Brian: She’s gotta make an effort, too. I don’t wanna seem desperate.
Joe: No chance of that.
Brian: Yes, yes, yes, I see what’s happening here.
Joe walks away from Brian, but he follows him.
Brian: I see. You’re feeling a little jealous that Carol and I are getting’ back together, huh?
Joe: Are you kidding? I am over her. I never wanna see her again as long as I live and then some.
Brian: Hey, suit yourself buddy, but if I don’t get out of here in 45 minutes, I’ll never make it. We’ve gotta get a flight in the air.
Brian makes his way out to the airplane.
Joe: Wait, Brian, aren’t you forgetting? The plane is broken.
Brian: Oh, no, no!
Brian: Well, Lowell will take care of it, right? Lowell’s a great mechanic. Lowell can fix anything.
Lowell steps out of the hangar bent down.
Lowell: Somebody give me a hand? My shirt’s caught in my zipper.
Later, Brian whines and approach the gang who are having a break.
Brian: I mean, Lowell sure does move slow for someone who doesn’t belong to a union. If I’m not out of here in 10 minutes, I’m gonna miss Carol.
Roy: Hackett, you got what’s coming to you. She wouldn’t have walked out on you in the first place if you’d performed your husbandly duties with any degree of competence.
Brian: This from a man who rents his relationships from a video store.
An airplane zooms.
Brian: Oh, man, I gotta get out of here. I gotta get out of here. I’m still not gonna make it. I gotta go, I gotta go. I gotta go.
Brian starts stuttering.
Fay: Now, Brian. Brian, don’t be so impatient. You’ve got to relax. Learn to live in the here and now.
Fay makes Brian sit with her.
Fay: Now, listen to me. I remember once when I was a stewardess, we were snowed down in Butte, Montana without any money or change of clothes, but I didn’t cry into my beer. No, I made the best of it! I met three new friends, I wove a basket out of an old lawn chair and I—I became an honorary Sioux Indian.
Roy: Haven’t you ever had a bad day?
Fay: Uh, no, not yet, but I bet you’ll be there when I do.
Joe enters the airport’s waiting area.
Brian: Oh, tell me you’ve got good news.
Joe: Ok, I finally got Lowell’s shirt out of his zipper.
Brian: No, no, the plane.
Joe: Sorry, chief, gonna have to cancel our last flight.
Brian: No, no, no, how am I gonna see Carol?
Joe: If you ask me, it’s all for the best.
Joe walks away.
Brian: Joe, Joe, y-you always say, it’s all for the best.
Brian follows Joe to the lunch counter where he sits on a stool beside Helen.
Brian: How can everything always be for the best? When the Patriots lost the Super Bowl, you said “Uh, it’s all for the best.” When Aunt Fern broke her hip, you said, “Well, it’s all for the best.” Is everything for the best? Is the hole in the ozone for the best?
Joe: Well, it has made us more aware of the environment.
Roy speaks on the PA.
Roy: Announcing final boarding for Aeromass Flight 160 to Boston.
Brian runs to the Aeromass counter.
Brian: Hey, Roy, how about getting me on the next flight to Boston?
Roy: I thought you said you’d die before you took one of my flights.
Brian: No, I said I’d die on one of your flights, but that’s an old story. Just get me a ticket.
Roy: Well, let me check and see if you have a reservation. Wisenheimer, Wisenheimer. I don’t seem to have you here, Mr. L. Mouth Wisenheimer.
Brian takes out his wallet.
Brian: Here, take my wallet, take all the cash in it, take the credit cards, take it all. Just get me the ticket.
Roy: Sorry, I’m booked solid. It’s all that overflow business from Sandpiper.
Roy laughs hysterically.
Roy: Oh, I love irony.
Roy wipes a tear from his eye.
Brian: That’s it. It’s over. I’m doomed. Everything bad in the world always happens to me.
Lowell: Plane’s fixed.
Brian: That’s it. See, all you have to do is keep a positive attitude.
Joe: All right, we can get in our last flight to Boston. It’s a miracle.
Brian: It’s divine intervention. It’s a sign from God that he wants Carol and me to be together.
Fay: I just heard from the man upstairs.
Lowell: You just talked to the man upstairs?
Fay: Yeah, Frank.
Lowell: God’s name is Frank?
Fay: No, you see…yes, that’s right, Lowell.
Brian: Yeah, what, what did he say?
Fay: We’re fogged in. The airport’s shut down.
Brian: Oh God.
Brian rests his head on the counter.
Brian: Oh God! Oh God!
Lowell: Don’t be so formal. Call him Frank.
Joe leads Brian to his office.
Joe: Come on, Brian. Sit down right here and relax. You gave it your best shot. You thought of everything short of swimming.
Brian slowly stands up. Joe pushes him back to the chair.
Joe: You’ve got to forget about her.
Brian: You don’t understand, Joe. Do you know how it feels to lose a woman like that?
Joe: No, I know how it feels to lose that exact woman.
Brian: Oh, yeah, right. Well, then you of all people should know what I’m talking about. I don’t wanna blow it this time.
Joe: Brian, look, you gotta trust me. She’s no good for you.
Brian: Well,that…see, that’s the crazy part. I know what kind of woman she is. I still want her. Kind of pathetic, huh?
Joe: What’s even more pathetic is that you’ve dreamed up this whole crazy romantic scenario in your head. Did you really think she’s gonna meet you on the top of a building like in some corny movie?
Brian: Uh, you really don’t think she’s gonna show up, do you?
Joe shakes his head.
Joe: Let it go, Brian.
He puts on a Celtics baseball cap and sighs.
Brian: Maybe you’re right.
Brian returns to his seat.
Brian: Oh, boy. Hey, Joe, uh, I think I need to be alone for a few minutes, ok?
Joe: Ok, I understand.
Brian turns his seat around.
Joe: And Brian—
Brian: Joe, please don’t say it’s all for the best.
Joe takes his mug and leaves.
Outside at the Aeromass counter…
Roy: Sir, you see, taking off is out of the question.
Businessman: Look, I’ve got an important meeting to get to in New York.
Roy: It’s a matter of safety, sir.
The businessman chuckles.
Businessman: Ok. Ok, I hear what you’re saying.
The businessman pulls out his checkbook from inside his suit pocket.
Businessman: How much will it take to make this fog go away? $100?
Roy: Sir, there’s really nothing that—
Roy: Sir, you see, there’s nothing that I—
Roy: That’s “Roy Biggins”. 2Gs. I’ll—I’ll do what I can.
Joe walks back to the Sandpiper Air counter to check some mail.
Fay: Uh, Joe, as long as we’re delayed, I’d be happy to organize those flight manifests for you.
Joe: Oh, really Fay, those are so boring.
Fay: Oh, I don’t mind. All I’m doing now is talking to you.
Joe: I’ll get them.
Joe opens the door, Knocks and enters his office.
Joe: Brian, I know you want to be alone, but could you hand me that clipboard, there? It’s the second one from the left. Look, Brian, I know you’re upset, but…
Joe turns the chair.
Joe: Lowell! What are you doing here?
Lowell: Brian paid me $20 to sit in this chair and not say a word. Oops.
Joe: Where’s Brian?
An airplane engine starts whirring.
Joe: Oh, no!
Joe runs outside, so, does Fay and Roy, while others look out in the fog.
Roy: I don’t believe it. Somebody’s trying to take off in this soup.
Helen runs outside too.
Joe: It’s my idiot brother.
Helen: Oh, Brian!
Fay: Isn’t that romantic? Winging his way through the fog, hastening to the bosom of the woman of his dreams.
Roy: Ho, that reminds me. I’ve got to stop by the video store on the way home.
Roy sits and sips his coffee with Lowell.
Roy: Phew, I don’t even remember a fog like this one.
Lowell: This is pretty thick all right, Roy, but it’s not what I’d call a great fog. I’ve been in some great ones. November ’82, great fog. April ’84, great fog. July ’87—
Roy: Let me guess. Great fog.
Lowell: No, but the next month, great fog.
Joe and Helen anxiously wait for Fay to get off the phone.
Fay: Logan tower says Brian just landed in Boston.
Joe and Helen: Phew!
Joe: This is the stupidest thing Brian has ever done, and he once painted me blue.
Helen: As I recall, you did some pretty foolish things when you were chasing after Carol.
Helen: How about walking your dog around her block for six hours just so you could casually run into her as she left home.
Joe: Oh, yeah. The last couple of hours, I had to carry Ranger on my shoulders.
Roy speaks on the PA.
Roy: Good news, folks. The fog is lifting and Aeromass Flight 160, comfort service to Boston, will be boarding momentarily.
Helen: Well, I gotta go.
Joe: Where are you goin’?
Helen: To fulfill my mission in life. Everytime Carol lays waste to one of you Hackett boys, I have to pick up the pieces.
Joe: You’re going to the Prudential building?
Helen: Joe, Carol is not gonna show up. Brian’s gonna be left there, devastated.
Joe: Well, I don’t think it’ll be that bad.
Helen: Oh, no? Remember how you felt when she broke up with you? You cried on my shoulder for two weeks. My skin is still a little pruney.
Joe: You want some company?
Helen: Joe, that’s very sweet of you.
Helen and Joe hug.
Joe: Hey, Brian would do the same for me. Well, I’ll go anyway.
Joe and Helen head to the Aeromass counter.
Joe: Hey, Roy, we need a couple of seats on your next flight to Boston.
Roy: Gee, guys, I’m all sold out. Why won’t you fly your own plane? Oh, that’s right, someone stole it.
Roy: Where’s my head?
Helen: Come on.
Joe and Helen walk away from the Aeromass counter.
Joe: We gotta get on that flight. What are we gonna do?
Helen looks at the passengers waiting for the Aeromass flight.
Helen: Just follow my lead.
Helen drags Joe and they stand at the back of a couple. Helen starts speaking in a heavy Southern accent.
Helen: Hi, I’m Luann and this is my husband, Herb. Whoo! Look at that. We’re gonna be sitting right behind them on the plane.
Helen grabs the tickets from the woman.
Helen: Isn’t that great? I hope y’all like to talk. We just love to talk. You know, Herb’s in insurance and I just found the Lord.
Joe: And, you know, the Lord wants you to buy more insurance.
Woman: You know, Edward, I wouldn’t mind spending one more night on the island.
Edward: I’ll go exchange the tickets.
Edward takes the tickets from his wife and walks up to the Aeromass counter. Joe and Helen high five.
Brian is anxiously waiting at the top of the Prudential Building when the elevator door dings. He runs to find a couple out on a date. A security guard approach him.
Guard: Hey, kid. What, are you still waiting?
Brian: Afraid so. Afraid so.
Guard: Listen, now, don’t worry. She’ll be here. I know about these things.
Guard: Yes, sir. I’ve seen it all up here. This place is a never-ending panorama of humanity. Uh, the heartache, uh, the joy, the drama, the tears. I’ve even—even had to use his baby a couple of times.
The guard pats his gun.
Brian: How long you been workin’ here?
Guard: Oh, I don’t work here.
The guard walks away. The elevator dings. Brian wait to see who gets out. It’s just Helen and Joe.
Brian: Oh, boy. Ok, look, Joe, I know you’re upset that I took the plane, I know that, but I just could not let this opportunity to see Carol slip by without even trying. And you’ll be happy to know that she never showed. So, if you guys came here to gloat, then you could gloat all you want to.
Brian sulks on a bench.
Joe: Brian, we didn’t come here to gloat, but what the heck? As long as we’re here.
Helen slaps Joe on the stomach.
Helen: Don’t listen to him, Brian.
Helen sits beside Brian and puts her arm around him.
Helen: We’re here, because we care about you.
Joe: That’s right. We were really concerned about you.
Brian: Well, Joe, everything happened the way you called it.
Brian: I just feel lousy. I just wanna go back.
Joe: To Nantucket?
Brian: No, to the womb.
Brian looks at his watch.
Brian: Well…Carol should be taking off to London about now. Boy, silly me. You know, I—I thought I was irresistible.
Helen laughs. Joe and Brian look at her.
Helen: Oh, sorry. Reflex.
Helen walks up to Brian.
Helen: You know, one thing I wanted to know, why did you meet her here? What’s so special about this place?
Brian: This is where we had our first date.
Joe: Well, in that case, the Prudential has a special meaning for me, too.
Brian: Oh, yeah, why is that?
Joe: Well, your first date with Carol was the same night she dumped me. Maybe later, we could all swing by the movie theater where I waited all night for Carol to show up.
Brian puts his arm around Joe.
Helen: Well, this is turning into a loser’s tour of Boston. We could stop by one of my old haunts. The South Bay Fudge Factory and I was their best customer. For Christmas, they made a life-sized statue of me made out of taffy. Ate it in half an hour.
Brian: Well, let’s go.
Elevator dings. A black man with flowers steps out.
Cabdriver: Brian? Brian Hackett?
Brian: Uh, yeah?
Cabdriver: These are for you.
The cabdriver hands over the flowers.
Brian: Wow, what’s going on?
Cabdriver: Some lady named Carol gave them to me.
Brian: Wow, Carol, really?
Cabdriver: She was running late at the airport, so she gave me thirty bucks to hightail these over here.
Cabdriver: She had a message for you, too. Do you want to hear it?
Brian: Yeah, yeah.
Cabdriver: She said--
The cabdriver takes off his cap.
Cabdriver: “Our time together was beautiful. I treasure every moment we shared.”
Brian: She say anything else?
Cabdriver: “You’ll always be special to me.”
Brian: Wow, really?
Cabdriver: “You always could make me laugh. Every time I think of you I smile.”
Brian: You’re just saying that.
Cabdriver: No, I mean it.
Brian: Do you?
Cabdriver: Would I ever lie to you?
The cabdriver turns to Joe and Helen.
Cabdriver: Excuse me. This is kind of personal. Do you mind?
Joe: Sorry. I-I’m sorry. It’s just that I used to go out with you, too.
Brian: I-I-it’s ok, it’s ok, really. They—they can stay.
Cabdriver: She also mentioned something about wanting to kiss you.
Brian: Wow, really!
Cabdriver: You have to shell out big bucks for a kiss.
Brian: No, no, no. It’s ok, I’ll take your word for it. Is that it?
Cabdriver: As much as it hurts, I have to move on.
Brian: Hmm. She said that, huh?
Cabdriver: No, I said that. I got to get back to my cab.
The cabdriver puts his cap back on.
Brian: Oh, huh.
The cabdriver still stands there waiting.
Brian: I-is there more?
Cabdriver: What? No tip?
Brian hands money to the cabdriver.
Cabdriver: A buck? I think I know why Carol left you.
Brian: Well, w-wait.
The cabdriver pushes the elevator button.
Brian: You never even told me your name.
The elevator dings and the doors open.
The cabdriver steps inside the elevator.
Cabdriver: Luther Talbot. Remember me fondly.
The elevator door closes. Brian puts his hand on the door.
Joe: Well, Brian, at least she was thinking of you. You have that.
Helen: Hey, guys, the sky’s clearing up.
Joe: Yeah, you can see the stars.
Brian: Yeah, looks so peaceful.
Brian puts the bouquet of flowers inside his pants.
Brian: Yeah, it’s like a…like a large cloud has been lifted from all our lives.
Helen: Of course, it is. Carol’s finally gone.
Joe looks at Brian.
Brian: It’s ok, Joe, you can say it.
Joe: Maybe it’s for the best.
The elevator door dings. The three look at the elevator.
Helen, Joe and Brian: Carol?
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Return to Nantucket Part 1” episode was written by Philip LaZebnik. Wings is owned by CBS Studios Inc., Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
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