Joe Hackett enters the hangar and slowly walks to his plane. He kisses one of the engines.
Joe: God, you’re beautiful!
Lowell: Thank you.
Lowell comes out of the plane.
Joe: Oh, hi, Lowell. I was just talking to the plane.
Joe: See, pilots feel sort of special about their planes.
Joe: Incredible. I know it sounds crazy, but if you put your hands like so…
Joe spreads his arms and puts his hands on top of a wing.
Joe: You can almost feel her pushing ever so slightly upward. Like she’s straining to get in the air. Can’t say I blame her. When you’re up there and you’re looking down, everything sorta makes sense. Well, not in an intellectual way, but kinda spiritually. It never fails. Every time I fly, I come back a little sure there’s a God.
Lowell: I go down to the dump and shoot rats.
Joe: Then you do understand.
The following day, back at the Tom Nevers Field.
Fay: Announcing the arrival of Sandpiper Air flight 26, nonstop service from Boston to our lovely island of Nantucket. Uh, for those of you going out to greet arriving passengers, we’ve learned, due to one particularly nasty incident, that it’s best to wait for the propellers to come to a complete stop.
Passengers enter the airport closely followed by Joe.
Joe: Thanks for flying Sandpiper Air.
Joe walks to the Sandpiper Air counter.
Joe: Hi, Fay.
Fay: Hi, Joe.
Joe: How much time do I have ‘til the next flight?
Fay: Well, it’s your airline, Joe. You can leave anytime. Uh, but the schedule says seven minutes. You’ve got six passengers and a crate of lobsters that have to be delivered alive. The lobsters not the people. Although, I’m sure the people would appreciate it, too.
Joe: Well, yeah, I haven’t lost one yet. Load them up. I’m gonna grab a quick bite.
Joe goes over to the lunch counter.
Roy: Hey, Hackett.
Joe: What, Roy?
Roy: They delivered this to my airline by mistake.
Joe: Oh, thanks.
Roy: It’s from some lawyers. What did you do wrong?
Joe: I didn’t do anything wrong.
Roy hands Joe the package, but stalls.
Roy: The hell you didn’t! You parked so close to my El Camino last night, I had to crawl in the passenger side. That gear shift and I had a moment I’ll never forget.
Roy finally hands Joe the package.
Joe: Hey Roy, when did you get this?
Roy: I don’t know, it was last week some time. Look, unlike you, Hackett, I’m running a big operation here.
Joe opens the letter that came with the package.
Roy: Check the tarmac, Buddy. I got six planes. You got one. I don’t have time to play post office.
Joe: Damn it Roy! This could be important.
Roy: Right, Hackett. Right.
Joe places the package on the lunch counter.
Roy: The day you get an important piece of mail, I’ll kiss your behind in the town square in high noon.
Helen: Given up on those dial-a-dates, Roy?
Joe: Hi, Helen, I’d like a B.L.T., 4 slices of bacon, extra crisp. Whole wheat. Lightly toasted. Mustard on top. Mayonnaise on the bottom and 2 pickles on the side.
Helen slides the B.L.T over to Joe.
Joe: How did you know I was gonna order that?
Helen: It’s Tuesday. You always order that on Tuesday.
Joe: For your information, today happens to be…
Joe looks at his watch.
Joe: Well, this looks good.
Joe starts reading the letter.
Helen: What you got?
Joe: It’s a letter from the lawyer who handled things when my dad died. He was instructed to send this package to me when the estate was finally settled.
Helen: Well, open it.
Joe: Well, there’s a catch. This letter says, I’m only supposed to open it with my brother.
Helen: Well, that’s that.
Helen: Well, I know you’re not going to call him. You haven’t talked to your brother for 6 years. That is a long time to hold a grudge. Well, not for you, but maybe for the average person.
Joe: I do not hold a grudge. You’ve always said that about me. Ever since we were kids. And quite frankly, I’ve always resented it.
Joe takes his plate and makes his way to the Sandpiper Air counter.
Helen: I think it’s about time that you got over the fact that Carol the pig dumped you and married your brother.
Joe: Carol is not a pig. And I am over it.
Fay: I didn’t know you have a brother, Joe.
Joe: Well, he’s not so much a brother as he is a piece of popcorn stuck between my teeth for the last 28 years.
Helen walks over to the Sandpiper Air counter.
Joe: We’re not very close. I went my way and Brian went his.
Helen: With a pig.
Joe: Stop saying that.
Helen: I will, if you call him.
Joe: No way.
Helen: All right, how old was I when I moved out here from Texas?
Joe: I don’t know, what, 10? Why?
Helen: Ok. I think we’ve been friends long enough that I can say to you just between the two of us
Helen speaks to the PA.
Helen: Call your brother, butthead.
Joe: All right. All right, I’ll call him.
Fay: Good for you, Joe. It’s not important whether your brother married a pig or didn’t marry a pig.
Joe: She is not a pig.
Joe walks away from the Sandpiper counter.
Fay: What’s important is that you should honor your father’s last words.
Joe: Well, actually, I’m not honoring his last words. I’m honoring his last wishes. His last words were “Sit on my lap, Eydie.”. He thought I was Eydie Gorme.
Later, Roy is sipping his coffee at the lunch counter.
Roy: I don’t know. I gave it a shot and I’m here to tell you something. Deborah Norville doesn’t have the humanity Jane Pauley had.
Helen: She’s gone, Roy. She’s gone. We go through this everyday. Jane had thirteen good years. But now, she’s gone. Now, get over it.
Roy: I know that up here.
Roy points to his head.
Roy: Doggone it, but how do you fill the void in here/
Roy punches his chest.
Helen: How about a jelly doughnut?
Roy: Jane who?
Brian enters the airport.
Brian: Excuse me. Excuse me. Hi, I’m looking for the owner of Aeromass Airlines. I’ve got to shake his hand.
Roy: Oh, that’d be me.
Roy walks over to Brian licking his fingers then shakes his hand.
Roy: Roy Biggins.
Roy: And you are, uh…
Brian: Uh, call me Brian.
Roy: Brian, right.
Brian: I just came off one of your flights and sir, you are a genius.
Roy chuckles and pats Brian’s shoulder.
Roy: I am?
Brian: Oh, you betcha. I mean, I’ve heard of some creative cost-cutting measures before, but getting rid of the life jackets, it’s inspired.
Roy’s face turns sour.
Brian: Sure, tell them they’re under the seats but nobody ever checks. So, why have ‘em?
Roy: They are too under the seats.
Brian: Oh, sure they are. Sure they are. Oh, and getting a pilot fresh out of flight school must have saved you some serious coin, huh? Nice kid, too. Had a couple of drinks with him before the flight.
Aeromass customers quickly walk over to Sandpiper Air.
Brian: It’s too bad about that eye operation though, but like he said, how often do you have to look left anyway?
Roy follows the Aeromass passengers who went over to Sandpiper Air.
Roy: Folks, folks, that’s not true.
Joe who’s up the second floor looks down.
Joe: I see you’ve managed to slip in unnoticed.
Roy: Do you know this guy?
Joe: I’m afraid so. He’s my brother. Roy Biggins. Brian Hackett.
Brian: Hey, Sansabelt slacks. Boy, you miss one issue of G.Q. and the fashion world just passes you by.
Joe walks over to Roy. Roy turns to him.
Roy: Keep this guy away from me.
Roy runs after the former Aeromass passengers.
Roy: Folks, folks…
Brian: Oh, been too long, Joe…
Brian: Yeah. So, how you been?
Joe: Fine, Brian. And you?
Brian imitates a robot.
Brian: “Fine, Brian. And you? Fine, Brian. And you?” Please, Joe. Too much warmth. You’re embarrassing me. Uh, this place never changes. You, uh, you look a little tired.
Joe: Oh, no, I’m fine.
Brian: Hey, I know you Joe. You’re the best pilot around, but you’re doing too much. You’re running the office. You’re flying the planes. You keep this pace up, you’re gonna end up like Howard Hughes. Locked in a hotel room, sitting on Kleenex, sucking apple sauce through a straw.
Brian sits on the lunch counter close to where Lowell sits.
Lowell: Ain’t that somethin’? All that money and his hobbies are the same as mine.
Brian: Really? He also used to collect toenail clippings and keep them in a mason jar.
Lowell: This is uncanny.
Brian: Who’s that?
Joe: That’s Lowell Mather. He’s sort of a Jack-of-all-trades around here. His family has lived on the island for five generations.
Brian: Ah! Probably in the same room. Well, shall we get down to business and find out what pop left us?
Helen: Hey, Brian!
Helen outstretches her arms and laughs.
Brian: Helen? Helen Chapel?
Helen turns a full 360 degrees.
Brian: Oh, my God! You look fantastic. You’ve lost a lot of weight.
Helen: Oh, I have not. Maybe a pound or two or sixty.
Brian and Helen hug each other.
Joe: Come on, Brian. Helen’s busy.
Helen: No, it’s okay. Well, you’re looking pretty good yourself. What’ve you been doing?
Brian: Uh, I’m down at the Caribbean flying charter for the rich and famous.
Brian: Business is pickin’ up. Although, the Noriega spring barbecue looks a little iffy. So, what are you still doing here? I thought that cello of yours was going to get you off this rock.
Helen: One day it will. I practice all the time. I go to my auditions. You know, in the meantime, I’m here.
Joe: Brian, now.
Joe and Brian make their way to the office.
Brian: Hey, Joey, uh, are you and Helen, mmm, you know?
Joe: Of course not. We’re friends.
Brian: Are you kidding me? Look at that body.
Joe: Brian, how can you think of her that way? She’s practically family. She’s like a baby sister.
Brian: Yeah, you’re right. I think it’s time I gave that little tyke a bath.
Brian starts to walk over to the lunch counter where Helen is at, when Joe grabs the back of his jacket and pulls him in his office.
Brian: Oh, same old Joe, neat as a pin. Everything at right angles.
Joe: It’s called having your life in order. You ought to try it sometime. So, how’s Carol?
Brian: Fine, fine. Sends her love. Uh, about Carol, are we ok, here?
Joe: Well, now that you mention it, yeah, we’re ok. Aren’t we ok?
Brian: I’m ok.
Joe: Well, I’m ok.
Brian: Ok. That was fun.
Joe opens his desk drawer and pulls out the package from their father.
Joe: Here. It’s our legacy from pop.
Brian: I guess one of his get-rich-quick schemes finally paid off, huh?
Joe: You’re not serious?
Brian: I’m very serious, Joe. Apparently, pop was loaded.
Joe: What makes you think that?
Brian: The, uh, the phone call.
Joe: What phone call?
Brian: Oh, dear. You have a little sign on this drawer that says “Empty”. Like, you can’t pull it open and see that?
Joe: What phone call?
Brian: I mean, you actually took the time to label it? This is heavy. Does—does the word “anal” mean anything to you?
Joe: At this moment, it has a very special meaning.
Brian who’s by the cabinets, hides his face from Joe as if crying.
Brian: This hurts me, Joe. This really hurts me.
Brian turns revealing a large plastic clip pinching his nose.
Brian: Think it’ll leave a mark?
Joe walks over to him and removes the clip.
Joe: What phone call?
Brian: He called me a couple of months before he died and he rambled about this and that. I didn’t pay much attention to him, but I remember him saying very distinctly at one point, “you’re rich”. He said “You’re rich,” Joe. I didn’t think much of it until now.
Joe: I wouldn’t get your hopes up. Not that you were around, but dad was getting pretty strange the last couple of years.
Brian: Why? What do you mean?
Joe: He used to put on an apron, go to the market, and demonstrate cheese spread.
Brian: A lot of people do that.
Joe: Sure, but usually that market hires them.
Brian: Whoo! No, Joey, this is it. Payday, here we go.
Joe: You’re setting yourself up for a big disappointment.
Brian begins opening the package.
Brian: “O ye, of little faith.”
Brian opens the package and pulls out something.
Brian: It’s a key.
Joe: I told you not to get your hopes up.
Brian: To a safe-deposit box in the First National Bank of Nantucket. We’re rich!
Joe: We’re rich!
Joe and Brian: We’re rich!
Joe and Brian attempt to hug or handshake, but fails.
Brian: Go warm up the car. I’ve got to make a quick phone call.
Joe: We’re rich!
Joe leaves Brian in the office. Brian dials on the phone.
Brian: Be there, be there, be there. Please. Please, please. Oh, damn. “Wait for the beep”. Hi, Carol, it’s me. Uh, look, I know the judge told me not to bother you anymore. Actually, he told me not to bother him anymore, too. But I just want you to know that it looks like I’m about to come into a few bucks and when you’re ready to come back, the door’s open. I miss you, Carol. And, uh, I really want you to know that—
Dial tone droning
Brian: Great. Now her machine’s hanging up on me.
Brian walks to the door then stops in front of the cabinet. He puts the large plastic clip inside the drawer labeled “Empty”.
Brian: This’ll kill him.
Brian arrives at the airport carrying a package. Joe follows him.
Brian: Stand back. Clear the deck. Rich guys coming through.
Helen: What did you get?
Brian: Well, this was in the safe-deposit box, but there was no way to get inside it.
Brian sets the metal box on top of a table where Roy sits.
Joe: Hey, Lowell, give me a screwdriver.
Lowell: Well, okay, but be careful. Now, you’re not on any kind of Antihistamines, are you?
Joe takes the screwdriver from Lowell. He opens the metal box with it as everybody wait.
Joe: It’s another key.
Fay: I hope you don’t mind me saying this. And—and I mean it in the nicest possible way. But your father was really jerking you around.
Joe: This one’s to a post office box in Boston.
Brian: Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s go.
Joe: Brian, this is starting to seem like a waste of time.
Brian: Don’t throw the towel in now. You remember dad said, “You’re rich”.
Joe: Well, I do have a flight leaving for Boston in a few minutes.
Brian: That’s the spirit. Can’t get sidetracked now again. We got to keep our eyes on the prize.
A woman walks by.
Brian: Oh, major hooters. We can’t let those…
Woman: What did you say?
Brian: Major Hooters. Major Bob Hooters, U.S. Air Force, at your service.
Brian: Uh-oh, scramble. Red alert.
Joe drags Brian out to the runway.
Brian: Rest easy tonight, little lady. Our boys are in the air and so are yours.
Joe and Brian are in the airplane on their way back to Nantucket.
Joe: I hate to say I told you so.
Brian: Oh, don’t start. Don’t start. I just spent five hours traipsing all over Boston on some wild goose chase and what do we end up with?
Brian slams his hand on the dashboard.
Passenger: Excuse me, is—is there a problem?
Joe: Everything’s fine. Just sit back and enjoy the flight. Nantucket Tower, this is Sandpiper 28. Final approach. Fix incoming.
Man: Sandpiper 28, Nantucket. You’re clear to land.
Joe: Sandpiper 28, roger. Look, there’s no reason to get upset.
Brian: I want to get upset. I like to get upset! Getting upset, makes me happy! You ought to try it sometime.
Passenger: You’re sure everything’s okay?
Joe: Of course. Look, it’s not like we lost anything. We have a lot to be thankful for. After all, we’ve got—
Brian: Joe, if you’re gonna say we’ve got our health, I’m gonna have to hurt you.
Joe: I wasn’t going to say that. Although, we do. I was going to say we’ve got our jobs. I’ve still got the airline and you’re still flying charter. You do still fly for that charter company? You don’t, do you? You got canned.
Brian: Eh, it was a crummy job anyway. Actually, I was kinda hoping you might need an extra pilot.
Joe: Are you kidding?! Hire you?! I’d rather crash this plane.
Passenger: You need a job? I’ll hire you.
Joe: How do you do it, Brian? How do you manage to blow every single opportunity you’ve ever had?
Brian: It’s a gift.
Joe: You know, you’re smart. You get a free ride to Princeton and what do you do? You quit. And what about NASA? You’re one of the youngest people ever accepted to the space program and you wash out on the 2nd day of orientation. You could have been an astronaut, for God’s sake.
Brian: Yeah, like I’m supposed to know you couldn’t bring dates into the shuttle simulator.
Joe: God, I wish I had the advantages that you had, but someone had to hold down the fort.
Brian: Oh, no. No, you don’t, Joe. They’ve already done this movie. Remember the one where poor old Jimmy Stewart has to say home and save the bank while his brother gets to go off and do these exciting things? Remember that movie, Joe?
Joe: Yeah. “It’s A Wonderful Life”.
Brian: That’s right, Joe. Well, this isn’t the movies and from where I sit Jimmy Stewart was a sap.
Man: Sandpiper 28—
Brian talks on the radio.
Brian: Oh, give us a second, will you?
Brian turns back to Joe.
Brian: He could have left us if he wanted to and so could you, but you didn’t. You stayed home and you took care of pop. Good old, St. Joe!
Joe: Now, stop it right there, Brian!
Passenger: Excuse me.
Brian: Solid citizen Joe.
Passenger: Excuse me.
Brian: He always does the right thing. You know, I bet you don’t even tear that stupid tag off the mattress.
Joe: It says, “Do not remove”!
Brian: I knew it!
Passenger: Excuse me.
Brian: And you know what else I think? I think you used pop as an excuse, because you didn’t have the guts to go out and do what I did.
Joe: What?! Fall flat on your face?!
Brian: At least, I wasn’t afraid of failing.
Joe: Obviously not!
Passenger: Excuse me.
Joe: What?! For God’s sake?!
Passenger: Weren’t we supposed to land back there?
Joe looks out the window.
Joe: Oh. Look, I’m the pilot and I’ll decide when to land this aircraft. Ok, now!
The passenger enters the airport all sweaty. He is followed by Joe and Brian.
Joe: Obnoxious little twerp!
Brian: Tight control freak Nazi!
Joe: You’ve been a bone in my throat since the day you were born. I should’ve smothered ou in your baby blanket.
Helen: Hey! What the hell’s goin’ on?
Brian: I’ll tell you what’s going on. That key opened up a safe-deposit box, which had a key for another bank, which led to another key to another bank, which led to two bus stations, a post office, a train depot, and a kennel. And you want to know what we found?
Brian pulls out something from his pocket.
Brian: Another key. And you want to know where it goes? I’ll tell you where it goes. We don’t know where it goes! That’s where it goes! Come all the way back here and what do I end up with? Nada, zippo, zero, zilch. With nothing!
Joe: You’ve got Carol.
Brian: Oh, so now we get to it, huh? I thought you said you were over that.
Joe: Over you stealing the love of my life from me?
Brian: I didn’t steal her. She came after me.
Joe: Oh, come of it. Carol doesn’t have a deceptive bone in her body. She’s kind and good and honest, and you stole her from me, and it hurts. It hurts bad. I don’t think you could ever know how much.
Brian: She left me for another guy.
Joe: She left you, too?
Joe: That pig!
Brian: Ok, I’ll give you that, but she was my pig.
Joe: Well, at least the other guy wasn’t your brother.
Brian: Yeah, yeah. My brother would never have done that to me. I kind of thought if pop left us some money, she might want to come back. Hey, listen, Joe. No matter whose fault it was. If losing Carol made you feel the way I’ve felt since she’s left, then I’m—I’m really, really sorry. Well, placed to go. People to see. Bye.
Brian walks over to Aeromass’ counter.
Brian: Get me on the next flight to Morocco.
Roy: We’ve got one going to Hartford right now.
Brian: Close enough.
Joe: Offering that man a job with my airline would be the stupidest thing I could do. He’s totally unreliable. He’d never be on time. He’d do nothing but try my patience.
Helen: Uh-huh. So, why are you going to do it?
Joe: I haven’t the slightest idea.
Joe approaches Brian.
Joe: Uh, Brian? If you’re still interested in working with me, I could always use a good pilot.
Brian: Hey, uh, thanks, Joe, I appreciate it. But I don’t take jobs out of pity.
Brian offers his hand.
Brian: Take it easy.
Joe and Brian shake hands.
Brian: Oh, and do yourself a favor. Lighten up a little.
Joe: I’ll try to. I don’t want to end up sitting on Howard Hughes’ Kleenex.
Joe laughs at his own joke.
Brian: Joe Hackett, one of the world’s true funny men. See you around, baggy pants.
Brian makes his way out of the airport.
Fay: Say, I recognize this key. It opens one of our lockers.
Brian: Oh, I don’t believe it.
Joe: Hey, Lowell, see if this fits number 5.
Joe throws the key at Lowell who is at the phone by the lockers on the second floor.
Lowell: Hang on, mom.
Lowell opens the locker.
Lowell: There’s a suitcase in here. You want it?
Lowell takes out the suitcase and prepares to drop it to Joe.
Lowell: I’d like it duly noted that this scratch was on the suitcase.
Joe and Brian: Lowell!
Lowell drops the suitcase and Joe catches it. They set it on a table.
Joe: Ok. Now, remember, Brian, whatever’s in this suitcase, we split in 2.
Brian: What if it’s a puppy.
Joe: Brian, it’s been a long day.
Helen, Fay and Roy gather around Joe, Brian and the suitcase.
Helen: Oh, open it already.
Joe: Ok, you ready?
Joe: Here we go.
Joe opens the suitcase and gag snakes jump out of the suitcase. Everybody screams.
Joe: What does this mean?
Brian: Well, for one thing it means pop’s funnier dead than you are alive.
Joe: Wait a minute, there’s something else in here. It’s a picture of you and me when we were kids.
Brian: Swimming at Gibbs’ pond.
Joe: Look, we’re together and we’re both smiling. I think it’s the last time that happened.
Brian: Hey, uh, dad wrote something on the back.
Joe: “You’re rich.”
Brian: So, this whole wild goose chase…
Joe: I guess, maybe dad just wanted us to spend some time together.
Brian: Yeah, I guess maybe dad wasn’t as crazy as we thought, huh?
Roy speaks on the PA.
Roy: Announcing final boarding for Aeromass Flight 17 to Hartford.
Roy turns to Brian.
Roy: That means you, Hackett.
Brian: Give me a minute. Hey, uh, do you mind if I keep this? It’s a great picture of me.
Joe: What’s wrong with me?
Brian: What? Besides those swimming trunks up around your armpits? Is that job offer still good?
Joe: My swimming trunks? What about that doofus haircut? You can start tomorrow.
Joe and Brian shake hands.
Brian: Yeah, great. And look at those ears. They look like hubcaps.
Joe: What is that big round thing in the water? How did a whale get in Gibbs’ pond?
Helen walks over to Joe and Brian to look at the picture.
Helen: Good Lord, that’s me! Give me that!
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Legacy” episode was written by David Angell, Peter Casey and David Lee. Wings is owned by CBS Studios Inc., Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
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