Janet comes out of the kitchen to answer the phone.
Janet: I got it! Hello? Mom! Hi! Oh, I’m fine, and how are you? Oh, good. How are things back home? You’re where? And dad’s with you? Oh, how nice…What? No, no, no mother, you can’t come here. I’m going out, but could I meet you somewhere? Mom, don’t hang up—mom! Don’t hang—
Jack: Hey, Janet, who was that?
Janet: That was my parents.
Jack: Calling from Indiana?
Janet: No, from a phone booth two blocks away. And they’re gonna come over.
Jack: Hey, that’s great.
Janet: No, that’s terrible, Jack. I’m really gonna get in big trouble, now.
Jack: What do you mean?
Janet: Well, see, ever since I moved away from home, my parents have been on my back to get married.
Jack: Lots of parents are like that.
Janet: Yeah, but my parents are fanatics about it. Especially after the baby came.
Jack: The b—Janet!
Janet: Jack, please. My sister had the baby!
Jack: Oh, that’s right, I’m sorry.
Janet: Ok now listen. Last month, my father’s ulcer starts really acting up. Right? So, my mom calls me up and tells me about this. And she says the reason why my dad’s ulcer is acting up really because he worries about me all the time and the reason my dad worries about me is because I’m not married yet. So, I got really upset while we were talking, Jack. I was really worried. And I ended up saying “tell him I married!” and she did.
Jack: Wait, you mean that—
Janet: I mean my parents think I’m married.
Jack gives out a hearty laugh.
Jack: Well Janet, congratulations! Who’s the lucky guy?
Janet: You are.
Jack: Me! Why me?
Janet: I wasn’t about to marry a total stranger. Oh Jack, please, can’t you just play along?
Jack: Are you crazy?
Janet: Jack, please, they’re only here for a little bit. They’re just passing through, you’ll hardly have to see them at all.
Jack: I can’t I have a very important date tonight with Shelly Green—she’s driving all the way from Oxnard.
Janet: Well, can’t you call her?!
Jack: Sure, if she had a phone in her car!
Janet: Jack, that’s them, please don’t let me down!
Jack: I’m sorry--
Janet: Oh, please, please, please…
Janet collapses on Jack with only her hands around his neck to keep her from falling on the floor.
Jack: All right!
Janet: Oh, thank you.
Janet runs to get the door.
Jack: Janet, Janet…
Janet: What? What?
Jack: Remember, you’re gonna have to tell them the truth sooner or later.
Janet: Yeah, I will…later.
Janet opens the door.
Janet: Mom! Oh, hi!
Mrs. Wood: Oh, Janet! Honey!
Mrs. Wood hugs Janet and Mr. Wood carrying a huge box enters the apartment.
Mr. Wood: Hey, baby.
Janet: Oh daddy. Come in.
Mr. Wood hands Jack the huge box.
Mr. Wood: Oh, very nice!
Mrs. Wood: You look wonderful, dear.
Janet: Oh, thanks.
Mr. Wood: Marriage must be agreeing with you.
Mrs. Wood: And you—you must be Janet’s husband.
Jack: That’s what Janet told me.
Mrs. Wood: What?!
Jack: I mean, yes, yes!
Mr. Wood: Well, it’s good to meet you…
Mr. Wood gives Jack a hard slap at the back.
Mr. Wood: son!
Jack: Nice to meet you, Mr. Wood, Mrs. Wood.
Mrs. Wood: Oh, call us mom and dad.
Jack: Oh, I can’t—I don’t even call my own parents by—
Mrs. Wood: Oh Janet, you have such a good taste. Jack is so tall, so handsome.
Jack: Thanks mom.
Janet: Why don’t we all sit down? Honey, could you pull out that orange chair for daddy?
Jack: Sure, sweety-pie.
Jack puts down the Wood’s gift and pulls out a chair for Mr. Wood.
Jack: Let me just get this old chair. Let me fix the pillow for ya.
Janet: Is there anything I can get for you?
Mrs. Wood: Oh no, thank you dear.
Jack: Lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy.
Mr. Wood: So, Janet tells us you’re a cook.
Janet: Oh daddy, not a cook. Jack’s a chef. He graduated at the very top of his class. Every restaurant in town is just begging him to work for them.
Mr. Wood: Begging! Well, I’m impressed. What restaurant you cooking in now?
Jack: Well, you might say the begging’s still going on.
Mrs. Wood: You mean you’re unemployed? Well, how do you manage?
Janet: Well, mom, I still have my job at the flower shop.
Mrs. Wood: You’re supporting him?
Jack: Well, somebody has to pay the rent.
Mr. Wood: Leave them alone. Just be thankful that Janet finally got married.
Mrs. Wood: Well, I am, though I do wish they had invited us to the wedding.
Janet and Jack: Uh, well—
Janet: Daddy, mother—nobody was invited to this wedding because—we eloped.
Mrs. Wood: Oh, how romantic. Where did you go?
Jack and Janet speak at the same time.
Janet: Las Vegas.
Mr. Wood: Well now, what difference does it make Ruth? They’re married. They’re happy, we’re happy, everybody’s happy.
Mr. Wood gives Jack another hard slap on the back. Jack is pushed to the coffee table and on top of Mrs. Wood’s purse.
Jack: That’s a lovely purse you have there.
Mr. Wood: So, Jack, what are you going to cook us for dinner tonight?
Jack: Well, I can’t tonight I have a date.
Janet slaps Jack’s arm.
Mrs. Wood: A date?
Jack: A date with the guys. It’s—it’s my bowling night.
Janet: Oh, but, darling, you could cancel that if you really wanted to. Couldn’t you snookums?
Janet pinches Jack’s arm really hard.
Jack: I want to! I want to!
Doorbell rings and Jack excuses himself to answer the door.
Jack: Excuse me.
Janet: So good to have you here.
Larry greets Jack.
Larry: Jackie! Great news. Friday is wet t-shirt night at the Rusty Anchor. Look, look, look…if we play our cards right I think we could be the water boys.
Jack: Larry…I’d like you to meet Janet’s parents.
Larry: Her parents.
Janet: Mom, daddy, this is our neighbor Larry.
Larry: Look, about those wet t-shirts, the contestants are all the tiny tots from the neighborhood. Peewee football, little league—
Larry: I want you folks to know, by the way, that you have one heck of a girl here and in spite of how it looks there’s absolutely nothing going on between these two.
Mr. Wood: Well, we were sort of hoping there would be.
Larry: Janet, I didn’t know your parents were so liberal.
Jack: Larry, could I see you outside for just a sec?
Larry: Say, you wouldn’t happen to have any other daughters lying around, would you?
Larry: Yeah, excuse me.
Janet: Where are you going, honey?
Jack: I just want to say goodbye to Lawrence for a second.
Jack and Larry talk outside.
Jack: Larry, I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I got a date tonight with a gorgeous redhead.
Larry: And you don’t know what to do? What, you lost your memory?
Jack: She’s driving all the way in from Oxnard. She’s already left, I can’t stop her. So, you gotta go out with her tonight.
Larry: No, you not only lost your memory, you lost your mind.
Jack: Listen Larry, listen to me, her name is Shelley Green. She’s fantastic. I’m supposed to meet her at the Chez Robert restaurant at 8:00, be there.
Larry: Yeah, I got ya.
Jack prepares to go back inside the apartment.
Larry: Wait a second. There’s gotta be a catch to this—why can’t you make the date with Shelley?
Jack: ‘Cause Janet told her parents—
Janet runs out the door to get Jack.
Janet: Jack! Get back in here!
Jack: I gotta go.
Larry: If I didn’t know you two better, I’d think you were married.
Jack returns inside the apartment.
Jack: Well, it’s all set. Larry’s gonna take my place at the bowling team tonight.
Janet: Oh good.
Mr. Wood: I hope he scores well.
Jack: I hope he doesn’t. I just mean, I’ll lose my place on the team. So, so—
Mrs. Wood: Oh, sure. Well, son…Jack…
Jack: Oh, yes. Hi.
Mrs. Wood: Isn’t it about time you opened our wedding present?
Jack: The—the wedding. Oh, yes! Over here, yes.
Mrs. Wood: We’re hoping you’ll be needing it soon.
Mr. Wood: Very soon!
Janet: Oh daddy.
Jack opens the box.
Jack removes the item from the box.
Jack: Oh! Aww…Janet…Look, it’s just what we need a giant picnic basket.
Janet: Oh, honey, you’re so cute. This isn’t a picnic basket, it’s a bassinet. You put a baby in it.
Jack: Why would we want to take a baby along on a picnic?
Mr. Wood start whistling “Rock-a-bye baby” and starts rocking the bassinet.
Jack: No, no thanks, sorry.
Janet: Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack—
Mr. Wood: Well, you do want children, don’t you?
Janet: Well, of course. Sure we do. We’ve just married a month, though.
Mr. Wood: But you are trying…
Janet: Oh, he tries. Believe me, he tries.
Mrs. Wood: Doesn’t seem any better at that than he is at finding a job.
Mr. Wood: Ruth, please.
Janet: I’ll get that.
Mr. Furley: Hi, Janet. I’m here to fix that leaky faucet.
Janet: Oh, Mr. Furley, couldn’t you come back later?
Mr. Furley: Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you had company.
Mrs. Wood: Oh, we’re Janet’s parents.
Mr. Furley: Really? Well, off all things. How do you do? I’m Ralph Furley, the kids’ landlord.
Mr. Wood: We drove all the way from Indiana to see our daughter…and our new son-in-law, Jack.
Mr. Furley; Well, isn’t that nice. I hope you enjoy your stay.
Mr. Furley walks a few steps to the kitchen before realizing what he just heard.
Mr. Furley: Did you say son-in-law?
Mrs. Wood: Isn’t it wonderful?
Mr. Furley: Wonderful? It’s a miracle!
Mr. Wood: It sure is! And we can’t wait for these two kids to get together and fill that bassinet.
Mr. Furley: Hahaha! Boy, you could sell tickets to that one!
Jack runs and drags Mr. Furley to the kitchen.
Jack: Excuse me, Mr. Furley, here’s the faucet trouble…
Mr. Furley follows Jack to the kitchen, still laughing.
Mr. Furley: Did you hear that? You and Janet married! That’s the funniest thing I ever heard. You’re not really, are ya?
Jack: Of course not.
Mr. Furley: I didn’t think so.
Jack: No, she only told her parents she was married.
Mr. Furley: To you! Boy, talk about your fairy tales!
Jack: Look Mr. Furley. Marriage is very important to Janet’s parents, you know? If they found out the truth, it would break their hearts.
Mr. Furley: Oh—oh, listen, don’t you worry, I’ll fix everything.
Jack: Oh, thanks a lot—
Mr. Furley steps out of the kitchen.
Jack: Oh, thanks a lot—oh, wait, wait, wait!
Mr. Furley: Listen, you folks, you don’t realize how lucky you are to be getting a son-in-law like Jack, here. He is one fine guy.
Mr. Wood: Oh, you don’t have to sell Jack to me. I can see. He’s a man’s man.
Mr. Furley: How’d you know?
Jack: Thanks a lot, Mr. Furley…
Mr. Furley: You know. It isn’t every day that a guy like Jack gets married.
Mrs. Wood: Let’s hope not.
Mr. Furley: I mean, he was such a playboy, had girls over all the time, I never thought he’d settle down with just one.
Mr. Wood: Well, I hope he’s changed.
Mr. Furley: Yeah, if you only knew how much.
Mr. Furley walks to the door laughing uproariously.
Mr. Furley: Nice meeting ya!
Mrs. Wood: What a strange man? Well, I’m dying to see the rest of your apartment.
Mrs. Wood makes her way to the girl’s bedroom.
Mrs. Wood: Oh, is this your bedroom?
Janet: Yes. No! Don’t go in there, mom! Mom, don’t go in…here.
Mrs. Wood: Twin beds? Why on earth would you have twin beds?
Janet: Actually, mom, we only use that one.
Mrs. Wood: Well, then, why do you have this one?
Jack: Well, in case we wear that one out.
Mrs. Wood does not look too happy with Jack’s joke..
Janet: Why don’t I make some coffee. Mother…honey…
Janet leads everyone out of the bedroom. Mrs. Wood notices Jack’s bedroom.
Mrs. Wood: Oh, what’s in there?
Jack quickly closes the door of his room.
Jack: Oh, I’m sorry, that’s uh – that’s our guest room.
Cindy arrives at the apartment.
Cindy: Hi, everybody! I’m home.
Cindy walks straight to the kitchen without noticing Janet’s parents.
Mr. Wood: Who’s she?
Jack: That’s our guest. Our boarder, she rents that room.
Mrs. Wood: Oh, Roland, they’re so poor they have to take in a boarder.
Mr. Wood: Well, I guess it’s easier than getting a job.
Cindy comes out of the kitchen.
Janet runs to Cindy.
Janet: Cindy, darling, I would like for you to meet my parents. They have come all the way from Indiana just to meet my husband, Jack.
Cindy: Your husband?
Janet: Jack! Mommy, daddy, you all look real tired from your trip. I’m sure you want to get on down to that hotel and settle in.
Mr. Wood: Well, your mother and I could use a little nap before dinner.
Janet: Oh, daddy, mom, it’s just too bad we don’t have the room here, because if we did, you could just spend the night with us.
Jack: Yeah, it’s just too too bad.
Cindy: Oh, we have the room!
Jack: No, we don’t , Cindy.
Janet: No, Jack’s right, Cindy. Silly Cindy. See, if my parents slept in your bed, where on earth would you sleep?
Cindy: Well, I’ll sleep on…
Jack grabs Cindy’s arm and points it to the couch.
Jack: Right on the couch.
Cindy: But where will you sleep?
Jack: Well, we’ll sleep where we always sleep.
Jack: In our own, cozy little bed.
Jack puts his arm around Janet and squeezes her close to him.
Mrs. Wood: Oh! Well, in that case, we’ll stay!
Janet looks terrified. Jack mouths “we will be fine” to her.
Janet: Would you all excuse us for just a minute?
Janet squeezes Jack’s hand really hard and drags him to the kitchen.
Janet: Jack, do you realize that my parents expect us to sleep together?
Jack: Well, Janet, it’s just for one night.
Janet: You stop smiling, Jack. We’ve got to think of something!
Jack: I am thinking, that’s why I’m smiling.
Janet: I’m gonna go in there right now and tell my parents the truth.
Jack: Janet, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Janet: Go take a cold shower!
Jack: Come here!
Janet runs out of the kitchen before Jack could grab her.
Janet: Mom, dad…
Mrs. Wood: Is anything wrong?
Janet: Well, I do have something that I’ve got to say.
Mr. Wood: Of course, baby, but first I have to tell you…it’s amazing.
Janet: What’s amazing?
Mr. Wood: My ulcer. Up the moment I crossed the threshold of this apartment, it was acting up, but now the pain’s gone I feel fine. I feel better than I have in years. Now baby, what was it you wanted to say.
Janet looks at Jack and he looks back at her teasingly.
Janet: Do you want one or two blankets?
Mrs. Wood: Oh, just one dear. Cindy, if it’s not too much trouble, would you show us to your room?
Cindy: Oh, sure.
Jack runs to try and stop Cindy and Mrs. Wood from going to her bedroom.
Jack: Oh, no, no, excuse me, I’m sorry, you can’t go in there, it’s a mess—Cindy’s very messy.
Cindy: But that’s not even my—
Jack: It’s not her fault, is what she—It’s not her fault. It’s the way she was brought up. Cindy, how many times I told ya, clean that room up, you never know when we’re gonna have company. Janet, why don’t you take mom and dad downstairs and pick up the luggage, and Cindy and I will straighten up her room.
Janet: Good idea, honey. Come on, mother. Daddy, we’ll just go down and get your luggage.
Jack: Yeah, just bring it on up. Okay, bye-bye.
Janet and her parents walk out of the apartment.
Jack: Cindy, we gotta get my clothes and put them in your room, okay?
Cindy and Jack run to Jack’s room to get his clothes. Cindy runs out to her bedroom carrying a bunch of clothes and closes the door. Jack follows her carrying a pile of clothes and runs right onto the bedroom door. Cindy opens the door and finds Jack lying on the floor.
Cindy: Don’t just sit there! Hurry up!
Cindy and Jack throw the clothes inside the room.
Jack: Never mind that, just…we’ll get that later. Cindy.
Jack: You’re on my toe.
Janet returns carrying one of her parent’s luggages. She is followed by her parents.
Jack: Your room’s almost ready.
Mr. Wood: Good, now we should have an early dinner and all get a good night’s sleep, because we’re getting up at 6:00 in the morning.
Jack: You’re getting up at 6 o’clock?!
Mr. Wood: Yes, we’re all getting up at 6:00. I’m taking us all to Disneyland!
Cindy: Oh, Janet, won’t that be fun?
Mr. Wood: Well now, that’s settled. Let’s get dinner started because I can hardly wait to get to bed.
Jack: Neither can we.
Later that night, Cindy prepares the couch for her to sleep on while Mr. Wood bids goodnight to Jack and Janet.
Mr. Wood: Good night, kids. Jack, that was a great dinner.
Jack: Thank you.
Mr. Wood closes the door to his room.
Jack: And now, for the dessert.
Jack leads Janet to their bedroom. Janet groans. Jack marches to the bed and removes the sheets.
Janet: Now, Jack…
Jack strips the belt of his robe and lets the robe fall on the floor. He jumps onto Janet’s bed and flips his slippers while in midair.
Janet: What are you doing?
Jack: I’m going to bed.
Jack signals Janet to come to bed with him.
Janet: But, but, see Jack, that’s, m—my—um—fine. Yeah, fine, fine. You want to sleep in my bed, sure. I’ll sleep over here in Cindy’s.
Jack: I don’t know why I ever married you, Janet.
Janet: Look, good night.
Janet removes her robe.
Jack: Good nighty, nighty, nighty, nighty…
Janet: Oh, Jack. Uh, Jack…
Jack: Janet, listen. Listen to me. If during the night you get a chill or something like that and you want to cuddle—
Jack pats his bed.
Janet: No, no, never. Not in one million years.
Mrs. Wood knocks on their door.
Mrs. Wood: It’s mother, may I come in?
Janet quickly jumps beside Jack.
Jack: My, how time flies.
Janet quickly pulls the cover.
Jack: Gentle Janet.
Janet: Come in!
Mrs. Wood enters their room.
Mrs. Wood: Dear, I forgot to say good night.
Janet: Good night, mother.
Jack: Goooood night, mother.
Jack puts his arm around Janet.
Mrs. Wood: You two look cuter than two peas in a pod. Well, good night.
Janet: Good night.
Jack: Good night, mother wood.
Mrs. Wood leaves and closes the door behind her.
Janet: Let go.
Janet goes back to the other bed.
Janet: I thought it would be so simple, one little tiny fib.
While Janet is busy fixing her bed, Jack sneaks in to join her.
Janet screams as soon as she realizes Jack’s beside her.
Janet: What do you think you’re doing?
Jack: In case your mother comes back.
Janet: That does it.
Janet gets off the bed.
Janet: Get up! Come with me!
Jack: Shh! Are we gonna shower?
Janet groans. Jack and Janet sneak out of their room.
Janet: Shh! Be quiet. Just come out here. Cindy! Cindy, are you sleeping?
Cindy: Not anymore.
Janet: There’s been a change of plans. Jack’s gonna sleep out here on the sofa.
Cindy: With me?!
Jack: I hope so.
Cindy quickly gets off the couch.
Janet: Shh! Shh! Shh! You will sleep in your own bed.
Cindy: What about your parents?
Janet: I’m gonna set the alarm and you two can change places in the morning before they get up. Okay? Come on.
Jack lies on the sofa while the two girls make their way to their bedroom.
Mr. Wood comes out of his room and sees Jack on the sofa.
Jack: Lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy.
Jack yawns. Mr. Wood runs back to his room.
Mr. Wood: Ruth, wake up!
Mrs. Wood: What is it?
Mr. Wood: It’s Jack! He’s out there on the couch!
Jack hears Mr. Wood and quickly runs to the girl’s bedroom.
Mrs. Wood: Don’t be ridiculous! I just saw him in bed with Janet.
Cindy: I just saw him in bed with Janet.
Cindy runs to the couch.
Mrs. Wood: Oh, all right.
Mr. Wood goes over to the couch followed by Mrs. Wood and removes the blanket.
Mr. Wood: There, you see, it’s—Cindy.
Cindy: What’s wrong? Couldn’t you sleep?
Mrs. Wood: Well, I could if my husband would let me.
Mr. Wood; There is something fishy going on around here. Oh…oh, my ulcer.
Mrs. Wood: Come on, Roland, we’ll find you a glass of milk.
Mrs. Wood drags Mr. Wood to the kitchen.
Mrs. Wood: And maybe some carrots for your eyes.
Inside the kitchen, Mr. Wood still looks suspicious.
Mr.Wood: I tell you, Ruth, I can feel it in my bones. There’s something wrong with Janet’s marriage.
Mrs. Wood: Well, if there is, it’s not Jack’s fault.
Mr. Wood: What are you talking about?
Mrs. Wood: Well, haven’t you noticed that Janet hasn’t kissed him the entire time we’ve been here? The poor boy’s starved for affection.
Mr. Wood: If he thinks he’s starving now, he should wait ‘til he’s my age.
Mrs. Wood: Drink your milk.
Outside, Cindy is woken up by a knocking on the door.
Larry: Hi, Cindy, is Jack around?
Cindy: Yeah, he’s in the bedroom with Janet.
Larry: Yeah, I gotta talk to him. He’s where? With who?
Cindy: Shh! Keep your voice down, Janet’s parents will hear you.
Larry: Do they now he’s in the bedroom?
Cindy: Of course they do.
Larry: Why don’t I meet parents like that?
Shelley enters the apartment.
Shelley: Larry, where is Jack?
Larry: Uh—Cindy, Shelley. Shelley, Cindy.
Shelley: I want to see Jack.
Larry: Yeah. You can’t. He’s uh—he’s sleeping.
Shelley: Well, then, I’ll wake him up.
Larry: No, no, wait, wait!
Shelley enters Jack and Janet’s room. Janet screams.
Janet: Who are you?
Larry: I guess she woke him up.
Jack: Shelley, Shelley, let me explain, please, you don’t understand. Shelley, listen.
Shelley: I drove all the way from Oxnard just to see you and now I find you with another woman!
Mrs. Wood and Mr. Wood peek out of the kitchen.
Jack: I was doing her a favor.
Shelley: Oh, Jack, how could you?
Shelley starts crying.
Shelley: And I thought I was the only one.
Janet: Shh! Shh! Shh!
Jack: You are, you are. Janet means nothing to me, Shelley-welley.
Shelley: Oh, Jacky-whacky.
Shelley and Jack kiss. Mr. and Mrs. Wood eyes widen.
Mrs. Wood gasps.
Mrs. Wood: Oh, you—you beast!
Mrs. Wood removes one of her slippers.
Mrs. Wood; You beast! You beast!
Mrs. Wood starts hitting Jack with her slippers.
Janet: Whoa, whoa, whoa! It’s all right!
Mrs. Wood: All right?! Did you hear that, Roland? What do you say to that?!
Mr. Wood: Milk, more milk.
Larry: Anybody here call for a cab? Uh, you miss, I think the motor’s running. Come with me.
Larry drags Shelley out of the apartment.
Shelley: What is going on here?
Janet: Okay, mother, daddy, I can explain.
Cindy: You can? Boy, I gotta hear this one!
Jack: This is a family affair, I don’t think they want us hanging around. Come on, let’s go.
Mrs. Wood; Hold it, you!
Mr. Wood: Janet, pack your bags, you’re coming home with us.
Janet: No, no I’m not. Mom and dad, this is gonna come as quite a shock to you. And I can tell you’re gonna be really disappointed, but the truth of the matter is…Jack and I aren’t married.
Mr. Wood: What?
Mrs. Wood: Not married?
Mrs. Wood: Oh Roland, they’re not…married!
Mr. Wood: It’s wonderful!
Mr. and Mrs. Wood laughs hysterically and even begin to hug each other.
Mr. Wood: Ah, wait a minute. If they’re not married, then they must be…
Mrs. Wood: Living together.
Mrs. Wood faints.
Janet and Cindy wait at the living room.
Cindy: I don’t hear any shouting. Do you think Jack’s winning them over?
Janet: Oh, never. My parents are so old fashioned.
Jack comes out of the kitchen.
Janet: Oh, Jack! How did it go?
Jack: I had them eating out of my hand.
Jack shows his arm without a hand.
Janet screams. Jack pulls out his hand from his sleeve.
Jack: Everything’s all right. I know.
Mr. Wood steps out of the kitchen followed by Mrs. Wood.
Mr. Wood: Well, thank the Lord, that’s settled.
Mrs. Wood: Yes, dear, it’s all right with us for you to go on living here.
Mr. Wood: Now, I don’t know about the rest of you, but I am ready for bed.
Mrs. Wood: Oh, so am I. Well, good night.
Janet: Good night, mama.
Mr. Wood: Good night, Jack.
Mr. Wood gives Jack a hard slap at the back.
Janet: Good night, daddy.
Jack attempts to slap Mr. Wood, but decides not too.
Cindy: Boy, what a relief huh?
Cindy: I think I’ll go to bed too.
Janet: Okay sweetheart.
Jack: Good night, Cindy.
Cindy: Good night.
Jack: Well…lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy…
Jack sits on the couch.
Janet: Jack, sometimes you utterly amaze me. How did you do that?
Jack: Well, Janet, I just know how to talk to people—it’s a gift.
Janet: What did you say to them?
Jack: I convinced them that there’s nothing going on between us. You know. But if they’re still worried I’d take a solemn oath to treat you like a sister.
Janet: Oh Jack.
Janet kisses Jack on the cheek.
Janet: Thanks, brother.
Jack: Not so fast. I didn’t say my sister.
Janet: Jack, don’t! Jack!
Jack grabs Janet and would not let her go.
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Janet's Secret” episode was written by Michael S. Baser and Kim Weiskopf. Three’s Company is a registered Service Mark of Three’s Company (California Joint Venture of The NRW Company and T.T.C. Productions, Inc.)
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