Janet and Cindy are tidying up the apartment while listening to music. Jack comes out of his bedroom and turns off the radio.
Cindy: Hey, don’t you like music?
Jack: Not in the middle of the night, Cindy.
Janet: It’s 10:00 in the morning.
Jack: Oh, sure, take her side.
Janet: What is bothering you?
Cindy: Yeah, you’ve sure been grouchy the last couple of days.
Jack: Groucy? Who you callin’ a grouch?!
Cindy: Not you!
Cindy runs to the kitchen.
Janet: Jack, what is your problem?
Jack: Janet, I’m just tired. You know, I’ve been working a swing shift all week.
Janet: I know, Jack, first you were swinging with Barbara Ellen, and then—then you shifted over to Debbie Johnson.
Jack: I haven’t been swinging with anyone, you know? All I’ve been doing is working day and night at that sleazy, little coffee shop, remember?
Janet: Okay, Jack, but you remember, we live here, too.
Jack: How can I forget?
Janet: Now, really!
Jack: Will you get that, Janet?
Janet gets angry and slams the water sprinkler on the console.
Janet: Why can’t you, Jack? I mean, really. All you have to do is walk over to the door, stick out your little hand, twist the knob, and open it up.
Janet opens then slams the door on Larry.
Janet: Now you tell me: is it all that difficult?
Jack: Well, I don’t know, lemme see if I got that straight. What did you do? Just walked over to the door, stuck out your little hand, twisted the knob, and opened it up?
Jack walks to the door, opens it then slams it on Larry.
Jack: I’m sorry, Larry.
Larry: Cindy, you wanna take a crack at this?
Jack grabs Larry inside.
Jack: I’m glad to see you. I could use a true friend. Lemme ask you a question: How would you like to be awakened in the middle of the night by these two?
Larry: You pick the night.
Janet: Larry, let me ask you a real question: How would you like to be sharing an apartment with a great, big, fat pain in the neck?
Larry: Trouble in the house of love? I can’t believe it.
Janet: Believe it.
Cindy: Yeah, believe it.
Janet walks to the kitchen. Cindy follows her. Janet stops.
Janet: Jack, you—
Cindy bumps into Janet.
Janet: Ohh! What’re you doing?
Cindy: Following you.
Janet: Get ahead of me.
Cindy walks into the kitchen.
Janet: Another thing, Jack, of all the roommates—
Cindy steps out of the kitchen and hits Janet with the door. Janet stumbles.
Cindy: Oh, I’m sorry.
Janet: Why did you come back?
Cindy: To say I was sorry I bumped into you.
Janet: Kitchen! Oh, Cindy, I’m sorry. Ohh, I’m sorry I snapped at you. Good heavens. It’s just Jack. You know, I have never seen him behave like this.
Cindy: Well, Janet, let’s face it. Three people, crowded into an apartment—we’re getting on each other’s nerves.
Janet: You’re right. He needs to get away from us for a while.
At the living room, Jack is still upset.
Larry: Hey, hey, calm down. I’ve never seen you like this.
Jack: You don’t know what it’s like here, Larry. You’ve never lived with two girls.
Larry: Don’t rub it in.
Jack: I do all the shopping, all the cooking, but you know what bugs me the most, is that they take me for granted.
Larry: Well, maybe you should move out for a while.
Jack: Move out?
Larry: Yeah, teach ‘em a lesson.
Jack: Yeah—no, I couldn’t. Those two would be lost without me.
Larry: That’s my point, buddy. Make them sorry they don’t appreciate you.
Jack: Yeah, they’d be sorry all right when they see me sleeping on a park bench.
Larry: What? No money?
Larry: Oh, not to worry. I think I can help you.
Jack: You’re gonna lend me some money?
Larry: What’re you, crazy? I just meant, you know, you could stay in my place.
Jack: Well, where would you stay?
Larry: What’s the difference? I’ll stay at the YMCA, or—hey, I just got a flash. I could stay in your room.
Larry: It’s just a thought.
Jack: Well, I appreciate the offer, Lar, but the girls would never go for it.
Larry: Oh, really?
Jack: Not in a million years.
Larry: Hey, never hurts to ask.
Jack: No, hey, Lar, save your breath, man.
Larry goes to the kitchen.
Larry: Janet, Cindy, we’ve gotta do something. Our little pal there is about this close to having a nervous breakdown.
Janet & Cindy: Yeah.
Cindy: He really needs to get away.
Larry: No, you really think so?
Janet: Oh, yeah, Larry,as a matter of fact, we were just trying to decide where he could go.
Larry: Hey, wait a minute. If you’re thinking about my apartment, forget it.
Cindy: What a wonderful idea.
Cindy: Would you, Lar?
Larry: I’d say “yes” in a minute, but where would I stay?
Janet: You could sleep in your car.
Larry: Good, I’ll get my things.
Larry runs to the kitchen door.
Larry: My car?
Cindy: No, Janet, we can’t do that. Larry’s just gonna have to move down here with us.
Janet: Down here?
Larry: No, I couldn’t.
Janet: You’re right. Not a chance.
Larry: Okay, Janet, but don’t blame me when they come to fit Jack for a white, canvas sport coat with the sleeves in the back!
Janet: Ooh! Okay, you can stay down here. But one false move, Larry—
Larry: Oh, Janet.
Cindy: Wait, we have another problem.
Janet: I know. Jack, right?
Janet: He is never gonna accept the fact that we can manage without him. He’ll never go with this.
Larry: Hey, it never hurts to ask.
Larry runs out the kitchen.
Jack: I know. I know. Thanks for tryin’. I’m glad to see you’re still in one piece.
Larry: Start packing.
Larry: They loved the idea!
Cindy and Janet walk out of the kitchen.
Larry: It’s all settled.
Janet: It is?
Larry: Yeah, I just told him to start packing.
Cindy: Oh, terrific!
Cindy hugs Larry.
Jack: Wait, hang on a second. If Mr. Furley finds out you’re stayin’ here, he’ll throw us all out.
Larry: Who’s gonna tell him?
Jack: Wait a minute, Cindy—
Cindy: I’ll go get your suitcase.
Jack: Hey, Janet—
Janet: I’ll go get your toothbrush.
Jack: Larry, look—
Larry: I’ll go get my things.
Larry makes his way out the door with a spring on his step.
Jack imitates Larry.
Jack is at Larry’s apartment playing solitaire when the phone starts to ring.
Jack: Janet, Cindy, hi—oh, Michelle, hi. Uh, no, Larry’s not here, but, uh, if there’s anything I can do, I’m free. Hello, Michelle? Michelle?
There’s a knocking at the door.
Jack: Janet, I knew you couldn’t—
Jack opens the door and finds Mr. Furley.
Jack: Couldn’t be Janet, ‘cause you’re Mr. Furley.
Mr. Furley: I’ll buy that. What’re you doin’ here, Jack?
Jack: Oh, I-I-I’m waiting for Larry. What’re you doing here?
Mr. Furley: Oh, I’m here to fix the ceiling. Larry told me it was leaking.
Mr. Furley looks a the ceiling.
Mr. Furley: When you see Larry, tell him I fixed it.
Jack: Wait a sec’. You didn’t do anything.
Mr. Furley: It’s not leaking, is it?
Jack: It’s not raining now.
Mr. Furley: That’s not my fault.
Jack: Mr. Furley, I’ll tell him when I see him. He’ll probably be back very soon.
Mr. Furley: I don’t think so—when I saw him earlier, he told me he has a couple of chicks stashed away some place.
Mr. Furley: I never saw Larry look happier.
Mr. Furley laughs.
Mr. Furley: Said he was havin’ the time of his life!
Jack: Okay, okay, I get the point.
Jack leads Mr. Furley out the door, but Mr. Furley pops right back in.
Mr. Furley: He was grinning like the cat that swallowed the canary.
Jack: Thank you, Mr. Furley!
Jack sounds excited.
Jack: Hi, Janet!
Jack regains composure.
Jack: Uh, hey, Janet, what’s happening? Yeah, listen, I’d love to chat, but I’m—What? You need me? I’ll be right down.
Jack hangs up the phone.
Jack: All right!
Janet, Cindy and Larry are in the kitchen.
Janet: Okay, everybody, I just talked to Jack, and he’s gonna come right down. Now, Cindy, remember, we don’t want Jack to be worrying about us. So, act like you’re enjoying Larry’s company.
Larry: What do you mean, “act”?
Cindy: I’ll get it.
Larry: What do you mean, “act”?
Cindy opens the door. Jack has his back turned and pretends to be uninterested.
Cindy: Hi, Jack!
Jack: Oh, hi, uh—
Jack: Right, right, Cindy. Yeah, the little one said you needed me.
Cindy: She’s in the kitchen with Larry.
Jack: Oh, in the—don’t tell me. Let me guess. They’re having trouble opening up a can of beans?
Jack enters the kitchen.
Jack: Relax, the master’s here.
Jack sees Larry cutting some food.
Jack: Rack of lamb?!
Janet: Larry sent out for it.
Larry: Yeah, nothin’s too good for my roomies.
Janet and Cindy: Ooh.
Jack: What do you need me for?
Jack: Dessert? Well, it’s short notice, but I can fix you guys—
Janet: No, no, no, no, Jack. We just need some more room in the freezer for the baked Alaska that Larry bought.
Larry: Oh, that’s right. Hey, buddy, would you mind
Larry stands up and goes over to the refrigerator.
Larry: Uh, storing your meatballs in my freezer? Thanks, pal. I appreciate it.
Jack: Oh, sure, yeah.
Janet: How’s it going, Jack?
Jack: Fine, great, won—wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. Listen, in fact, I don’t have that much time to chat—
Larry: Well, we don’t want to keep you.
Jack: Well, maybe a minute or two.
Cindy, Larry and Janet start chatting. Jack looks for a stool to sit on. Jack finds a very short stool and sits between Janet and Larry.
Janet: Well, how was your day…Larry?
Larry: Oh, not too bad. I only had one customer.
Cindy: That’s terrible!
Larry: Yeah, this guy wanders onto the car lot, looking for something real cheap he can take to the beach with the top down.
Cindy: So, what did he end up with?
Larry: My secretary.
Larry laughs. Cindy and Janet join in.
Cindy: Oh, Larry’s so funny. He keeps us laughing all the time.
Jack: I used to say some pretty humorous—
Janet: And you know what else, Jack? He fit right in. Oh, yeah, it’s like he’s been living here all the time.
Jack: Well, actually, I—
Larry: Well, you know why. That’s because you and Cindy are such wonderful roommates.
Jack: Yeah, I know what you mean. We were always close.
Larry pulls out something.
Cindy: What’s this?
Larry: Well, I was gonna save it for later, but, hey, why wait to say, “thank you”?
Cindy: A bottle of perfume. Larry, that’s so sweet. Thank you.
Cindy kisses Larry on the cheek.
Larry: And Janet—
Larry: I got a little something for you, too.
Larry pulls out something from his shirt pocket.
Janet: What is it? Oh, Larry! A ticket to the ballet. I’ve been dying to go.
Larry: Uh-huh, you can go tonight.
Janet: Well, thank you.
Janet kisses Larry on the lips in front of Jack. Jack is envious and he has his mouth open.
Janet: That’s really so sweet of you.
Larry: You’re welcome.
Cindy: Wow! What a dinner. Presents and everything!
Janet: Really. Say, Jack, would you like to join us? Larry bought plenty.
Jack: Oh, no, no. I better skedaddle. I’ve got something very tasty waiting for me upstairs, if you know what I mean.
Larry: You devil.
Jack: Well, when you got it, you got it.
Jack elbows the kitchen door and walks out slumped.
Jack happily runs back to the kitchen.
Janet: You forgot your meatballs.
Mr. Furley steps out of his apartment to throw out the trash. Jack walks down the stairs with his trash.
Mr. Furley: Oh, hi, Jack.
Mr. Furley: Hey, you look like you just lost your last friend.
Jack: Both of them.
Mr. Furley: Oh, did you girls have a spat?
Jack: I’d really rather not talk about it now, if you don’t mind, okay?
Mr. Furley: Hey, all kidding aside, don’t be so depressed, Jack. On a beautiful night like this. The moon is bright. There’s a smell of Jasmine in the air—
Jack: Mr. Furley—
Mr. Furley: Listen, you’re young, you’ve got your whole career ahead of you. You’ve got a family that loves you. Look at me. I’ve got none of those things. But am I unhappy! You’re darn right, I am!
Mr. Furley starts bawling.
Mr. Furley: It’s not fair!
Mr. Furley continues to weep.
Back at the apartment, Cindy is at the couch reading a magazine when Janet steps out of the bedroom all dressed.
Janet: I’m on my way.
Cindy: Have a good time.
Janet: Thank you.
Cindy: I miss Jack.
Janet: I know, Cindy. Me too.
Larry: Hey, Janet, you got a screwdriver around here anywhere?
Janet: Oh, yeah, Larry, um, top drawer, right by the fridge.
Larry: Okay, thank you. Have a wonderful time at the ballet tonight.
Janet: Thanks again.
Cindy: Larry’s going to try and fix my antique clock.
Janet: You better watch out. He fixed our blender one time.
Cindy: What happened?
Janet: It flew out the window.
Janet: Oh, I forgot my ticket.
Downstairs Mr. Furley is still bawling.
Jack: Mr. Furley, hey, don’t feel bad.
Mr. Furley: What have I got to feel good about?
Jack: Well, look at you. You’ve got—you’ve got. Isn’t the moon bright tonight, and there’s the smell of Jasmine in the air?
Mr. Furley: That’s not Jasmine. That’s our garbage. It’s too late for me, Jack, but there’s still time for you. Now, you run upstairs and straighten things out with Cindy and Janet.
Jack: Maybe later—
Mr. Furley: Not later, now! Friends are just too hard to come by. I oughta know. I don’t have any.
Mr. Furley leaves Jack. Janet walks down the stairs.
Jack: Oh, Ja-Janet, Janet.
Janet: Hi, Jack.
Jack: Listen, uh, I’ve gotta talk to you and Cindy right now.
Janet: Oh, I’m sorry. It’ll have to be Cindy. I’m already late. See you!
Cindy and Larry are at the bedroom trying to fix the clock.
Larry: What’s wrong with it?
Cindy: The bell doesn’t work.
Larry: I think I can fix it.
Jack enters the apartment.
Cindy: Larry, maybe you shouldn’t do it.
Larry: Come on, Cindy, what’s the sense of having it if you can’t use it?
Jack is shocked, but continues to eavesdrop.
Cindy: Hey, watch those hands!
Larry: You should relax. I’ll have your bell ringing in no time.
Jack runs inside the bedroom.
Jack: Larry! Get your hands off her clock—clock?
Larry: Do you wanna fix it?
Jack: Uh, no, thanks, pal. I got enough time on my hands. Get it? Time on my hands. Speaking of time, look at how late I am. I’m very late—I gotta go.
Jack runs out the bedroom.
Jack: I didn’t mean to, uh—I got people to see and places to go. Bye, I’ll see you later.
Jack walks out the door.
Cindy: Jack’s been acting so strange. Larry, maybe I should go after him.
Larry: No, no, no, Cindy, don’t. He just needs to unwind. As a matter of fact, now that we’re all alone I think we both could use a little bit of unwinding, hmm?
Cindy: Maybe you’re right. I’ll slip into something more comfortable.
Cindy goes to her bedroom. Larry looks up
Larry: Thank you!
Larry runs to his bedroom. Larry puts on a robe and brings out an ice bucket.
Larry hums while taking out of the ice bucket two wine glasses. Larry runs inside the kitchen and takes out a bottle of wine.
Larry looks at the bottle of wine.
Larry positions himself on the couch.
Larry: Oh, Cindy, where are you?
Cindy: In bed!
Larry becomes excited and makes his way to Cindy’s bedroom.
Cindy: Good night! See ya in the morning.
Larry: What? Think, Larry, think.
Larry starts to sing.
Larry: “Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me. Happy birthday, dear Larry, happy birthday--”
Cindy runs out of her bedroom.
Cindy: Oh, Larry, it’s your birthday.
Larry: You found out.
Cindy: Why didn’t you tell us?
Larry: Well, I didn’t want to disturb anybody’s plans on my account. I just thought I’d celebrate without troubling anybody. By myself. Alone.
Cindy: Oh, Larry, no.
Larry: Oh, then you’ll join me on a glass of champagne?
Cindy: Do you think there’s enough room?
Cindy laughs at her own joke, elbows Larry and spills champagne on him.
Cindy: Oh, I’m sorry.
Larry: That’s all right. There’s still some left here. Here we go. To…us.
Cindy and Larry toast and sip their champagne.
Cindy: How would you like a special surprise?
Larry: Try me.
Cindy runs to her bedroom. Larry gasps.
Cindy runs out of her bedroom carrying pompoms.
Cindy: Gimme an H, and an A, and a P-P-Y! A happy birthday to our guy! Yea, Larry! Yee-ha! Well, good night!
Larry: Wait, wait one second here. Is that all I get for my birthday?
Cindy: Oh, of course not…and a T and an E, and an A, and an M! Yea, team! Larry, Larry, let’s go! Whee!
Moments later, Cindy is still cheering.
Cindy: Whoo, whoo! Choo-choo, choo-choo, choo-choo, choo-choo!
Larry: Okay, okay. That’s enough. End of the line.
Cindy: Don’t you like my cheers?
Larry: I love them. Eighty-five cheers, my, my. Boy, you must be thirsty. Why don’t you sit down? Sit over here, come on. Have some more champagne. All right, hon’? There we go.
Cindy: Oh, I don’t know if I should. Too much champagne makes me—
Larry: Drink up.
Larry hands Cindy a glass of champagne.
Larry: Makes you, what?
Cindy hiccups and splashes champagne on Larry’s face.
Cindy: Oh! I’m sorry.
Larry: It’s okay, I think I now what will help, however.
Cindy: You do?
Larry: Yes. What you do is, take a deep breath…hold it for as long as you possibly can. That’s great. I’m going to bed.
Larry makes his way to his bedroom.
Larry: Thanks for the shower.
Cindy is still on the couch holding her breath when the doorbell rings.
Mr. Furley: Hi, Cindy.
Cindy: Hi, Mr. Furley.
Mr. Furley: Where’s Jack? I got somethin’ here that’s really gonna help him.
Cindy: Jack? He’s. He’s not here.
Mr. Furley: Then who’s that?
Cindy: Uh, Janet.
Janet returns from the ballet.
Janet: Hello, everybody.
Mr.Furley: Who’s this?
Mr. Furley: Then who’s in the bedroom?
Mr. Furley: I thought you said Janet was in the bedroom.
Janet sneaks out.
Cindy: I thought you said that?
Mr. Furley looks to Janet, but she’s gone.
Mr. Furley: There’s something very funny going on around here.
Mr. Furley: What?
Cindy continues to hiccup.
Cindy: I’m sorry, Mr. Furley, I seem to have he hiccups. I need some water.
Mr. Furley: Now, that can be a very serious disorder.
Mr. Furley finds a brown bag lying on the floor.
Mr. Furley: Here, put this over your head and breathe deeply. Like this, I’ll show you.
Mr. Furley puts the brown bag over his head.
Mr. Furley: Just breathe in and out.
Mr. Furley starts to breathe heavily.
Mr. Furley: Be careful not to hyperventilate…or you’ll…
Mr. Furley starts feeling dizzy.
Mr. Furley: You’ll pass out.
Mr. Furley falls back on the couch. Janet returns and sneaks Jack back in.
Janet: Oh, what happened?
Cindy: He was curing my hiccups.
Cindy helps Mr. Furley up.
Jack: Oh, uh, hi, Mr. Furley.
Janet: Oh, my, Jack, I hope we didn’t wake you.
Mr. Furley: Jack, you were just the guy I was looking for.
Jack: Well, I was just getting into bed.
Mr. Furley: Yeah, I got something here I wanna read ya and it wouldn’t hurt you girls to listen, either.
Mr. Furley clears his throat.
Mr. Furley: “What is a friend? A friend is there through thick and thin. A friend is someone who never butts in.”
Larry comes out of Jack’s bedroom.
Larry: Hey, hey, what’s goin’ on here? Uh-oh!
Mr. Furley’s jaw drops.
Mr. Furley: You were just getting into bed?
Jack: No, no, you see, no—
Janet: Oh, oh, oh—Mr. Furley, I just can’t believe that you are thinking—you should be ashamed of yourself!
Mr. Furley: What?
Janet: All this time, I thought I was renting from a very decent-minded man, and now I find the truth! I can’t believe you’re thinking what you’re thinking.
Mr. Furley: How do you know what I’m thinking?
Janet: It’s written all over your face! I can hardly look!
Janet turns her back on Mr. Furley.
Janet: Shame on you, shame on you, shame on you!
Mr. Furley: Now wait a minute, I just came in here to drop off a book! I didn’t se anything. I couldn’t see anything, even if I wanted to. I’m nearsighted. Come to think of it, my ears aren’t that good either. What? I don’t know anything! Now, no one’s gonna talk me out of it!
Mr. Furley runs out and slams the door.
Cindy starts clapping.
Cindy: Oh, Janet, that was wonderful.
Jack: Wonderful? That was incredible.
Jack and Janet shake hands.
Janet: Oh, look at you.
Larry: Maybe I can get some sleep now.
Cindy: Oh, Larry, you didn’t finish your champagne.
Larry: I didn’t finish anything. Good night.
Cindy: Good night.
Jack: Uh, if you won’t be needing me for anything else, I’d better be going.
Janet: Yeah. Oh, Jack?
Janet: Um, um—good night.
Jack: Yeah, night. Good night.
Jack: I don’t wanna go!
Janet and Cindy: Oh, we don’t want you to go!
Janet and Cindy hug Jack.
Jack: Well, why didn’t you say so?
Janet: Why didn’t you say so?
Jack: Well, it seemed like you were having such a good time with Larry.
Cindy: Oh, Jack, sometimes you can be so dumb.
Jack: Cindy, that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.
Jack gives Cindy and Janet a kiss on the lips.
Janet: We really missed you.
Cindy: Oh, yeah.
Jack: Oh, I really missed you.
Cindy: Well, gosh, now that that’s all settled, how about we go to bed?
Janet: That sounds like a good idea.
Jack: Janet, Janet, what about Larry?
Janet: Oh, Jack, please, it’s so late. Why don’t we worry about him in the morning?
Jack: Good idea.
Jack follows the girls to their bedroom.
The girls throw him out and he comes rolling out into the foyer.
Jack: I thought you said you missed me!
A pillow comes flying out the bedroom, but misses Jack.
Jack: You missed me!
A pillow hits Jack.
Jack starts walking towards the girl’s bedroom. The girls throw a blanket and it hits Jack on the face. The girls close the door. Jack continues to walk with the blanket over his face and hits the door.
The next day, Janet comes out of the kitchen to answer the phone.
Janet: Chrissy, hi, how are you?
Chrissy: Polly, you sound just like Janet.
Janet: I am Janet.
Chrissy: So, what are you doing at Polly Kelly’s house?
Janet: I’m not.
Chrissy: Yeah, but I called Polly Kelly.
Janet: Chrissy, honey, you must’ve made a mistake and dialed the wrong number.
Janet: So, how’re things going?
Janet: Really? What’s the matter?
Chrissy: Well, I called Polly Kelly, and I got you.
Chrissy hangs up. Janet dials Chrissy.
Janet: Hello,this is Polly Kelly. May I speak to Janet?
Chrissy: Oh, I’ll go get her.
Chrissy hangs up.
Janet: No, no, hey—
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “In Like Larry” episode was written by Martin Rips and Joseph Staretski. Three’s Company is a registered Service Mark of Three’s Company (California Joint Venture of The NRW Company and T.T.C. Productions, Inc.)
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