A guy approaches Fay.
Guy: Look, I got to get to Hyannis and I’m a little short on cash. So, how about we make a trade? Fresh-caught fish for a ticket. I’ll, uh, give you four Haddock.
Fay: Four Haddock? That’s ridiculous. What kind of a backwoods operation do you think we’re running here? Joe, can you believe it? This guy wants us to give four Haddock for a one-way to Hyannis.
Joe: No way.
Fay: Six, and not a Haddock less.
Guy: It’s a deal.
Fay: Throw in a bucket of clams, and I’ll upgrade you to first class.
Lowell is shooting the airport scene with a video camera. Roy watches him and stands beside him. Lowell turns the camera to Roy and screams.
Lowell: Oh, Roy. Thank God it’s you. I thought one of those big, sweaty beetles had landed on my lens.
Roy: What are you doing Lowell? Videotaping the airport so you can see where you used to work?
Lowell: No, America’s Wackiest Videos is offering a $100,000 prize. And I just wanna be ready in case anything wacky happens. Say, Roy, how about you loosen your belt, let your pants fall down around your ankles, and do that little waddle of yours?
Roy: How about I take off my belt and wrap it around your neck and tighten it till your eyes bulge out?
Lowell: Oh, it’s a good thought, Roy, but they did that last week with a cat.
A policewoman enters the airport.
Policewoman: Is there a Joe Hackett here?
Joe: I’m Joe Hackett.
Policewoman: You know, your car is parked in the handicapped zone.
Joe: Oh, there must be some mistake. I would never park in a—
Brian: Hey, thanks a lot, Joe. By the way, you’re a little low on gas.
Brian hands Joe his car keys.
Joe: Fine. Just give me the ticket.
The policewoman handcuffs Joe.
Joe: Hey, hey, wait a minute. What’s this for?
Policewoman: A charm bracelet. A little token of affection from the city fathers.
Lowell: Ooh, now this looks promising.
The policewoman turns at Lowell.
Policewoman: Beat it.
Joe: This is how you guys handle a parking violation?
Policewoman: This is how we handle 42 parking violations. You have the right to remain silent—
Brian: Excuse me, officer, I don’t really know what’s goin’ on here, but I can assure you that this man is innocent, whoever he is.
Joe: Can I have a moment alone with my brother?
Brian: Joe? Joe, is that you?
Policewoman: You’ve got 30 seconds. Don’t try anything funny.
Lowell: But if you do, I’ll be right over here.
Brian and Joe go to one corner to talk.
Joe: She says I have 42 tickets, Brian.
Brian: Consider yourself lucky, Joe. It would have been 43, but I drove off while they were writin’ one of ‘em.
Policewoman: Hey, sugar buns, move it along.
Brian: Sugar buns! Huh? Isn’t that cute, Joe? She’s already given you a prison nickname. One I suggest you change, by the way.
Brian: Relax, Joe, relax. I will get us out of this.
Brian: Come on. She’s a woman, I’m me. Fill in the blanks.
Joe: I really don’t wanna go to prison, Brian.
Brian: Uh, hi, officer…Thomas. Brian Hackett.
Brian smacks his lips.
Officer Thomas: You got a problem?
Brian: No, no problem. You’re new to the island, aren’t you?
Officer Thomas: Yeah. So?
Brian: I don’t know, there’s just something incredibly familiar about you. Maybe it’s that enchanting perfume you’re wearing. What do you call it?
Officer Thomas: Deodorant.
Brian: Mmm. Bet it’s French. French…France. That’s it. The line of your cheekbone takes me back to that afternoon I spent at the Musee D’orsay in Paris. I was mesmerized by the graceful beauty of a Greek goddess.
Officer Thomas: Does anyone ever buy that crap?
Brian: You’d be amazed. Look, officer—
Officer Thomas: Look, I—I’ll make you a deal. If I let him go, will you just, uh, shut up?
Brian: By letting him go, do you mean letting him out of the handcuffs or letting him out of the tickets?
Officer Thomas: Don’t push it. You’re not that cute.
Officer Thomas unlocks the handcuffs.
Officer: Just pay these tickets by 5:00, ace.
Joe: Oh, believe me, someone will pay.
Joe looks at Brian.
Brian: Thank you, Officer Thomas.
Officer Thomas: Colleen.
Brian: Oh, ok. Well, uh, this has been a really incredible experience, Colleen. We’ll have to do it again sometime.
Brian: When what?
Joe: Uh, I think she means “when” as in, when are you two gonna get together? You know how people always say that, and they never actually set a time?
Joe: So, when, Brian?
Brian: Uh, you know, w-whenever?
Colleen: How about tonight? I finish teaching my mace class at 8:00.
Brian: Oh, uh, I—I really have a flight tonight. Sorry, no can do.
Joe: No, no, you can do. That’s my flight.
Brian: Yeah, but don’t you remember that I promised to take it for you?
Joe: No. Uh, you two kids go out, have a good time. Dinner, maybe a doughnut.
Brian runs to Joe and mumbles.
Brian: Joe, don’t you remember that I owe you a flight?
Joe: Brian, after what you just did for me, consider the slate clean.
Colleen: 8:30. Pick me up at the station. Before we go to dinner, I’ll take you down to the morgue and show you the corpse we pulled out of the harbor.
Brian: How could you do this to me? She is one scary woman.
Joe: Well, she’s a scary woman, you’re you. Fill in the blanks.
A guy at Helen’s counter reaches for a packet of sugar, but the container moves away from him. He reaches for it, but it continues to move away from him, because Lowell tied a string around it and pulls it away as he videotapes what’s happening. Helen cuts the string with a cleaver.
Helen: Lowell Mather, I catch you messing with anything on my counter again, you’re gonna be pickin’ your nose with your foot.
Lowell: I think you have me confused with my cousin Bevo.
Helen raises her cleaver.
Helen: Do I look confused?
Lowell: No, ma’am. But, uh, Helen, you might wanna check those cream dispensers to make sure nobody put any, uh, you know, Kaopectate in them or anything.
Joe and a customer hand their mugs to Helen.
Brian arrives looking sore.
Joe: Hey, bro. Did you have fun on your date last night?
Brian: Well, let me put it to you this way. Viewing the corpse in the morgue was the high point of the evening.
Joe: Well, still, you got home pretty late. Did, uh, did anything happen?
Roy: Yeah, Hackett. Did you two, uh, how do the police say it, assume the position?
Roy chuckles. Brian groans.
Roy: Cut me a little slack, Roy, ok?
Joe: No. No, no, it’s a fair question. Was there any physical contact?
Brian: Oh, yeah, there was physical contact, all right. On the way of the restaurant, she thought it would be fun to demonstrate a selection of submission holds on me.
Roy looks interested.
Brian: Each of them involved grinder her heel into the small of my back.
Roy: Oh! Spiked heels or pumps?
Brian: This was the worst date I ever had. Besides being both violent and boring, it violated my rule of never goin’ out with anybody in polyester stretch pants. No offense, Roy. Anyway, it’s all over with and I’ve learned something very important.
Joe: Yeah. You should pay your parking tickets when you get ‘em.
Brian: No, that you’re on your own from now on, big shot. This is the last time I’m pulling your fanny out of the fire.
Lowell: Fanny on fire? Boy, a guy leaves the room for one minute…
Brian: Well, the upside is, no way she’s ever gonna want to see me ever again.
Fay steps out of the Sandpiper Air counter with a teddy bear with a police outfit.
Fay: Brian, I almost forgot. This was delivered earlier for you.
Brian: What? What? It’s not necessarily from her. A teddy bear dressed as a policewoman could be from anyone.
Brian reads the card and starts to cry.
Brian: Oh, god.
Roy chuckles. Joe grabs the card.
Joe: “Dearest Brian, here’s a widdle powice bear for you to cuddle wif tonight.”
Fay: Not much of a speller, is she?
Lowell: Boy, I’ll say. One “d” in “widdle”.
Brian: This is terrible. I don’t wanna get involved with a woman with a brass knuckle collection.
Roy: Jeez, Louise. I spend a fortune on those 976 numbers to get my dream gal, and nothin’, and you wind up with Venus.
Brian: I’m gonna go down to the station right now, and I’m gonna end this thing with Colleen once and for all. It’s time I started to act like a man.
Joe: What’re you gonna do?
Brian: I’m gonna leave this bear with the desk sergeant and run like hell.
Colleen: How did you like my gift?
Brian: Uh…uh, I wove my widdle fwiend.
Colleen: Outstanding. I wanted to do something special. Last night was just so wonderful.
Colleen: So will I be seeing you?
Brian: Oh, heck, it’s a small island. I’m sure we’ll be seein’ each other around, you know?
Colleen: No, I mean, will I be “seeing” you?
Brian: Doesn’t now qualify?
An angry looking Colleen steps closer to Brian.
Brian: I’m getting some weird vibes here, Brian.
Brian takes out the toy gun from the bear’s holster and points it at Colleen. Colleen looks at him and he puts it away.
Colleen: You weren’t toying with me last night, were you? I mean, this wasn’t just about getting out of some tickets?
Colleen: Because if it was, I swear…
Brian: No, no. Colleen!
Brian: Colleen. Collie, Collie, Collie, no.
Fay talks on the PA.
Fay: Sandpiper Air Flight 7 to Provincetown is now ready for boarding.
Brian: Ah, there is my flight. Got to run.
Colleen: You’ll call me when you get back?
Brian: Uh, sure, as if my life depended on it. It doesn’t, does it?
Joe yawns as he approaches Fay at the Sandpiper Air counter.
Joe: Fay, do I look as bad as I feel?
Fay: I don’t know. Do you feel like death warmed over?
Joe: Yes, I do.
Fay: You see, Joe? That wasn’t so hard to figure out.
Joe: I just can’t take it anymore. This is the 3rd night in a row. Colleen keeps calling at all hours and Brian refuses to talk to her. So, as usual, it’s me that has to answer the phone.
Fay: Well, why don’t you just let it ring?
Joe: You can’t do that.
Fay: Of course, you can.
The phone rings.
Joe: No, you can’t. You have to answer the phone.
Fay: Says who?
Joe: Aren’t you gonna answer that?
The phone continues to ring. Joe looks at Fay with discomfort. He tries to answer the phone, but Fay stops him.
Fay: And neither are you. Feel the freedom, Joe, feel the power of not answering a ringing phone.
The phone stops ringing.
Fay: Now, don’t you feel better?
Fay: Oh, come on, Joe, think about it. How many phone calls in your life have been so important they couldn’t wait?
Roy: Fay, your neighbor’s been trying to reach you. Your garage is on fire.
Fay: Oh, my god.
Fay runs out the airport and bumps into Brian.
Fay: Oh, my god.
Brian: Hi, Fay, nice blouse.
Fay: Thank you! It’s new.
Joe: Hey, Brian. You have got to end this thing with Colleen today.
Joe: Now. This minute!
Brian: Joe, relax, will you? The cold-shoulder strategy is in effect. She’ll get the hint eventually.
Helen: Oh, Brian. You shouldn’t treat Colleen that way. It is such the typical gutless guy way of handling things.
Brian: Right, recommended by 98 out of 100 gutless guys as safe and effective.
Joe: Helen’s right, Brian. Just tell her the truth.
Helen: The truth? She’d rather hear anything. Than hear that he doesn’t like her. No, no, no. You tell her a little white lie. Therefore, she can walk away with her dignity intact. The truth.
Joe: Well, excuse me for wanting to live in a world where people don’t lie, and maybe answer the phone once in a while.
Brian: Thank you both for your advice, but believe me, when I give a woman the cold shoulder, she gets the message.
Colleen: Why haven’t you been returning my phone calls?
Brian: Joe, Colleen’s been calling and you didn’t tell me?
Colleen: So everything’s ok?
Brian: Ah, sure, sure.
Colleen: Outstanding, because tonight is couples’ night at the Pistol range.
Brian: Look, uh, Colleen, before we get around any live ammo, I—I—I really think we need to talk.
Colleen: About what?
Brian: Well…uh, gosh, I—I really don’t know how to say this.
Brian: Ok, look, I sort of had this on-again, off-again relationship with this other woman. Not nearly as together as you. Anyway, when I met her, it was kind of off, but now it’s kind of—
Brian: I knew you’d understand.
Colleen: I don’t believe you. You’re making this up. Just like probably you’ve been making everything up.
Brian: All right, now, Colleen, I’m shocked.
Colleen: Then who is she?
Brian: Who is she? Who is she?
Brian looks around.
Brian: I’ll tell you who she is. She’s her.
Brian points at Helen who just stepped out of the kitchen and has her hand inside a cookie jar. Brian waves at Helen who has just taken a bite off her cookie. Helen although confused, waves back.
Roy is checking out Lowell’s video camera.
Lowell: Ok, Roy. When I give you the signal, you start shooting and I’ll walk into that door.
Lowell points at the Sandpiper Air hangar door.
Roy starts recording and Lowell walks right into the door.
Lowell: Did you get it?
Roy: Yep, we—oh, no, wait, darn. I pressed play instead of record. We—we better try it again.
Lowell: Ok. Ready?
Lowell walks right into the door. Lowell exhales.
Lowell: Did you get it?
Roy: Um, it was a little out of focus. We better do it one more time, huh?
Lowell: Ok. Ready?
Lowell walks into the door. He looks dizzy.
Lowell: Did you get it?
Roy: It wasn’t framed just right. So, um, we should try one more. I—I’ll get her this time for sure.
Lowell: Whatever you say, Troy. Ready?
Roy: You okay, Lowell?
Lowell: Yes. And I’ll take “Potpourri” for $50, Alex.
The phone rings.
Lowell: Oh, the daily double.
Fay: Well, Joe. You’re looking much better this morning.
Joe: Finally got some sleep. I don’t know what Brian did, but Colleen seems to be out of our life.
Helen arrives angrily slams the kitchen door and throws her purse into the kitchen. Joe approaches her.
Joe: What’s wrong?
Helen: I don’t know what’s going on, but that policewoman will not leave me alone. On the way to work, she stops me three times. Once for having my registration sticker in the wrong place, once for not making a complete stop at a stop sign, and once for going a measly 2 miles over the speed limit.
Joe: Well, did you do those things?
Helen looks at Joe with contempt.
Helen: Who are you, Donny Osmond? Of course, I did those things! That’s not the point, Joe.
Colleen: Does anyone here have a black jeep Laredo with the license plate “cello”?
Helen: That’s my jeep. You know damn well that’s my jeep!
Helen clears her throat.
Helen: Remember that you stopped me three times earlier today?
Colleen: Oh, yeah, I remember you.
Colleen tears a ticket from her pad and hands it to Helen.
Helen: What is this for?
Colleen: Broken taillight.
Helen: No, that can’t be. I left my jeep not five minutes ago. It did not have a broken taillight.
Colleen: Oh, gee. It does now!
Colleen leaves. Helen angrily follows her. Brian arrives.
Brian: Hi, Fay. Beautiful day, isn’t it? Sun’s out, the birds are singing, I don’t have a stiletto heel wedged between my vertebrae.
Fay: Brian, you’re a sweet boy, but I don’t understand half of what you say.
Joe: Hey, Brian, when you settled things with Colleen, exactly how did you settle ‘em?
Brian: Oh, I just took Helen’s advice and I simply told Colleen a little white lie to spare her feelings.
Joe: What kind of little white lie?
Brian: I told her Helen was my girlfriend.
Joe: Did you bother telling Helen about this?
Helen: That psycho broke my taillight!
Brian: It didn’t seem to involve her.
Helen: What have I done to deserve this?
Joe: You haven’t done anything, Helen. Brian told Colleen that you were his girlfriend.
Helen gives Brian a piercing look moves closer to him.
Helen: What? You did that?
Brian: Well, y-you’re the one who told me to tell her a little white lie.
Helen: Yes. A little white lie—
Colleen: You, Miss Chapel. Charming little café you have here. I’ll have to recommend it to the health inspector.
Colleen swipes the counter with her fingers and pretends she picked up some dust.
Helen: That’s it, Brian. Two can play this game. Excuse me, uh, Officer Thomas, I think it’s time for a little girl-to-girl talk here.
Helen: Look, I know when I’m overmatched.
Colleen: What are you trying to say?
Helen: I’m trying to say that I know about you and Brian.
Brian looks terrified at what Helen’s about to say.
Helen: And I know…
Helen looks at Brian and whispers.
Helen: That he’s got it bad for you.
Colleen: He does?
Helen: Oh, yes, he does. As a matter of fact, you can have him.
Brian: Helen, Helen!
Brian tries to stop Helen.
Helen: He’s yours.
Brian: You don’t know what you’re saying.
Helen: Oh, yes, I do. I found out about those reservations.
Colleen: What reservations?
Brian: Yes, what reservations?
Helen: You know, the ones you made at that cozy little inn in Vermont this weekend?
Joe laughs. Helen turns to Colleen.
Helen: See, I hate the woods. So, I know he wasn’t planning to take me there.
Brian: But I was. I was!
Brian shakes Helen.
Colleen: Oh, Brian, this is wonderful. When are we leaving?
Helen: Well, check-in is at 4:00, so if you wanna catch the ferry—
Colleen: Outstanding! I’ll just swing by my place and pick up a few things. Oh, and, Helen, forget about that ticket.
Helen hands Colleen the ticket.
Colleen: I got what I want.
Helen: Oh, pack a pink nightie. Brian loves pink.
Helen pats Brian’s chest.
Helen: Welcome to the big leagues, Sparky.
Lowell approaches a passenger.
Lowell: Excuse me, ma’am. If someone were to jam your head in a dishwasher, would you have any objection to my filming your rear end hanging out?
The scared passenger runs away from Lowell.
Lowell: Just trying to make America laugh.
Fay: Oh, uh, Lowell. The file drawer in Joe’s office came off its rollers again. Uh, could you fix it?
Lowell; Yeah, sure, Fay. Might as well. Nothing wacky ever happens around here.
Lowell steps inside the Sandpiper Air office. A man walks down the staircase. Golf balls roll out of his caddy.
Golfer: Hey, guys.
The guy right behind him slips on the golf balls, falls down the stairs, bumps into a man carrying a bunch of papers who then bumps into a man with a package. Packing foam fly into the air and he bumps into the man sitting at the counter eating pie. The man with pie now all over his face stands up and his pants fall to his ankles.
Lowell: That file drawer’s fixed. I’m gonna head into town see if anything wacky is happening there.
Brian enters the hangar.
Brian: Colleen’s due here any second. I just came to say good-bye. I’ve entered myself into the witness protection program, Joe. If you need me, wire Niles Underwood, Enid, Oklahoma.
Joe: Gee, Niles, uh, if you leave now, you’ll miss your weekend in Vermont.
Joe laughs. Brian scoffs.
Brian: You’re getting a big kick out of this, aren’t you?
Joe: You said I should laugh more, Brian.
Brian: Joe, I am desperate! I’ve tried every weapon in my arsenal. I’ve tried charm, deceit, avoidance, crass manipulation. All my old friends have failed me.
Joe: I know this is, uh, sort of a radical idea, but how about tellin’ her the truth?
Brian: Oh, sure, Joe. Why don’t I just stick a bull’s-ye on my privates?
Fay enters the hangar.
Fay: Brian, Colleen’s here and she’s wearing lipstick.
Brian: Ok. Ok, Joe. I’ll try it your way, but if she kills me I’m gonna come back from the grave and mess up your sock drawer.
Brian meets Colleen.
Colleen: All set?
Brian: Uh, Colleen, I think we need to have a little talk.
Helen approaches Colleen and pretends to sob. Helen walks over to the Sandpiper Air hangar and laughs.
Helen: Be good to him.
Brian: Colleen, I have something I wanna say to you.
Brian: What? What’s so funny?
Colleen: You’re not gonna propose to me, are you? Because I had this funny premonition.
Brian: That is funny.
Colleen: Then it’s true.
Brian: No, it’s just funny. Look, Colleen…Colleen, there’s not gonna be a weekend trip.
Colleen: There’s not?
Brian: No, there’s not. Our whole relationship has been a sham. I’ve never been involved with Helen, and the only reason I went out with you in the first place was to keep my brother from getting arrested. Now, I’ll understand if you’re upset! But all I ask is that you please…don’t mark up my face.
Brian closes his eyes and waits for Colleen to punch him.
Brian: “Ok” as in “Ok, you won’t mark up my face,” or “ok” as in “Ok, it’s all ok with you”?
Colleen: It’s fine with me, Brian.
Brian exclaims in relief.
Brian: Oh, that’s great! That’s great. To think I…I was afraid of how you’d take all this. Well, that’s that then. I guess I’ll be, uh, seein’ you around, huh?
Brian extends his hand.
Colleen: Hmm. It’s a small island.
Colleen shakes Brian’s hand.
Colleen: I’m sure we’ll be bumping into each other.
Colleen leaves. Roy approaches her.
Roy: Excuse me, officer, I…I’d like to turn myself in. I have 200 unpaid parking tickets.
Colleen: Well, then I’ll have to take you down to the station.
Roy: I might be a bad boy, I might resist.
Joe enters his office whistling.
Brian: Morning, Joe.
Joe: Morning, Brian.
Joe looks around.
Joe: Where are you?
Brian: I’m out here.
Joe enters the hangar. Brian is tied upside down.
Brian: Is there coffee ready yet?
Joe: What are you doing?
Brian: Colleen came by last night to thank me for my honesty. And, you know, Joe, I’ve learned something very important: that the truth is a hard pill to swallow. So was that wad of cotton she stuffed in my mouth.
Joe: How long you been up there?
Brian: Oh, it’s hard to tell. I’ve lost consciousness three…maybe 12 times.
Lowell: Yeah. Well, thanks, anyway, Brian, but to be quite honest with you, it looks like you staged it.
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Hell Hath No Fury Like a Policewoman Scorned” episode was written by Bill Diamond and Michael Saltzman. Wings is owned by CBS Studios Inc., Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
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