Janet is sitting on the couch reading a book. Mr. Furley steps out of the kitchen.
Mr. Furley: Well, you won’t be bothered by the drip anymore.
Janet: Thank you.
Mr. Furley: At least not until Jack comes back.
Janet: Goodbye Mr. Furley.
Mr. Furley: Oh, yeah. Hey, I just started reading that myself.
Janet: You did?
Mr. Furley: Yeah, that book really grabs you, doesn’t it?
Mr. Furley: It’s got some great characters.
Janet: Oh yeah! Oh, Mr. Furley. I was so mad when Henry ran away with Marge’s nurse.
Mr. Furley: Hey, I’m not up to that part yet. Don’t tell me what happens!
Janet: I’m sorry.
Mr. Furley: Why did Marge need a nurse?
Janet: The brain surgery.
Mr. Furley: Yeah…?
Janet: After the automobile accident.
Mr. Furley: Don’t tell me anything more! You’re spoiling the whole thing for me.
Janet: Hey, you asked me.
Mr. Furley: I know. I know. All right, no more questions. I gotta be going anyway. Did she have a good doctor?
Janet: Mr. Furley, you said no more questions.
Mr. Furley: Just tell me about the doctor.
Janet: Yes, she had the best in the country.
Mr. Furley: Oh, then I know how it turns out.
Janet: No, you don’t!
Mr. Furley: Wel, if they got the best doctor…
Janet: Yeah, but there were unforeseen circumstances.
Mr. Furley: Like what, what, what?
Janet: The doctor’s car breaks down on this deserted road…
Mr. Furley: He didn’t make it and she dies!
Janet: No, no. There’s this young brilliant intern at the hospital. He steps in—
Mr. Furley: I told you not to tell me! I want to read it myself!
Janet: Okay, okay!
Mr. Furley I sure hope it turns out all right, though, don’t you?
Janet: Oh, yeah, I’m a sucker for a happy ending, too.
Janet resumes reading then stops. She starts reading the last page of the book.
Mr. Furley: Hey, don’t jump to the end, you’ll spoil it for yourself.
Janet: Oh, how awful!
Mr. Furley: Now you’re spoiling it for me!
Janet: I’m sorry.
Mr. Furley: Stool pigeon!
Cindy and Jack arrive at the apartment.
Mr. Furley: Jack, you tell Janet it’s not nice to peek!
Mr. Furley walks out and bangs the door.
Cindy: Oh, that man makes me so mad.
Janet: Cindy, come on. Don’t bother about Mr. Furley.
Cindy: No, it’s not Furley,
Jack: It’s Winston Cromwell III.
Cindy: You mean Winston Cromwell the Nerd.
Janet: Did he ask you to marry him again?
Cindy: Yes, for the hundredth time!
Janet: That’s terrible!
Jack: The guy’s obviously nuts about you.
Cindy: He’s not nuts about me. He’s nuts about himself and just because he’s rich he thinks he can buy anything he wants.
Jack: How much money does he have?
Cindy: Millions, but he can’t buy me.
Janet: He can rent me.
Cindy: When my boss introduced us, I should never have smiled. I should have looked at him like this.
Cindy crosses her eyes and makes a silly face.
Jack: Cindy, have you definitely told him “NO”?
Cindy: Yes, I’ve told him “NO” a thousand times. Why can’t men take “NO” for an answer?
Janet: Look who she’s asking.
Cindy: Oh, that’s probably more flowers from Winston. He’s been sending them all day. I don’t want them!
Jack: I want you to do something for me. Go in there, pour yourself a cold glass of milk and relax. I’ll take care of this, all right? No problem.
Jack answers the door and a messenger in uniform steps inside.
Messenger: I have a telegram for Miss Cindy Snow.
Jack: I’ll take it.
Messenger: I’m sorry. I’m supposed to deliver this to Miss Snow personally.
Jack: She’s not available. It’s me or nothing.
Messenger: Okay…a singing telegram for my darling.
The messenger blows a tuning note. He starts singing to Jack.
Messenger: You made me love you. I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want to do it.
The messenger kneels in front of Jack.
Messenger: Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.
Mr. Furley arrives at the aparment.
Messenger: What I cry for. You know you got the kind of kisses that I’d die for. You know you made me love you-ou!
Jack: Mr. Furley, listen…
Mr. Furley: I don’t want to hear it. What two consenting adults sing to each other is their business, but for heaven sakes, please close the door!
Jack: I’ll give her the message.
Messenger: Didn’t you forget something?
The messenger extends his hand. Jack high five’s it.
Messenger: Oh, I forgot, there’s a “P.S.”.
The messenger blows a tuning note. Raspberry. Messenger walks out the door.
Janet: Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme what I cry for…that will teach you to listen to other people’s mail.
Jack: I didn’t know what to do. I felt like such a fool!
Doorbell rings. Cindy comes out of the kitchen.
Cindy: Oh, that’s probably something else from Winston. Jack, will you get it?
Jack: No, once was enough. Janet, your turn this time. I’m gonna wash up.
Janet: You are washed-up!
Jack: Thank you and good night!
Cindy: If you’re looking for Cindy Snow, I’m not here!
Janet: Cindy, come on. Take it easy. Maybe it’s not even for you.
Janet opens the door and a man with a bunch of flowers stands at the door.
Janet: And cuchy-coo to you.
Winston: Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you were Cindy.
Janet: You have to be Winston. I’m Cindy’s roommate Janet.
Janet extends her hand. Winston kisses it.
Winston: Ah, another beauty. If I hadn’t met Cindy first…
Janet: Eh…Winston, Cindy is not here.
Winston: Yes, she is. I heard her voice.
Winston let’s himself inside.
Winston: Little darling’s playing hide-and-seek. Ooh, I love games! Ciiiiiin-dy…where are you?
Winston: Shh, don’t tell me.
Winston tip toes to the console table, picks up a tin can and opens it.
Winston: She’s not in here!
Janet: Oh my God!
Winston: Cin-dy! Where are y—
Winston walks towards the kitchen when Cindy steps out of it and accidentally hits him with the kitchen door.
Winston: No, no, no. I was supposed to find you, my dear.
Cindy: I’m not your dear!
Winston: Oh, but you will be. Meanwhile, please accept this small token of my love and admiration.
Winston offers Cindy the flowers. Cindy pushes it away.
Cindy: No, I don’t want them!
Winston: You remind me of my third wife. Whe kept saying “NO”, too. But only to me.
Janet: Your third wife? How many times have you been married?
Winston: Five times, if you count Eleanor.
Winston: She disappeared on our wedding night so you can’t count her. You. You! You will be my last.
Cindy: No, I won’t!
Janet: Winston, can’t you see that you are bothering this girl?
Winston: Oh, you’re right.
Winston hands Janet the flowers and follows Cindy to the couch. He puts his head on Cindy’s shoulder.
Winston: We’ll talk about it over dinner tonight. I’ll pick you up in the limousine about eight.
Cindy: I’m not going out with you!
Winston: Ah, of course you are.
Winston gives a soft punch on the chin and turns to Janet.
Winston: Put those in water and make sure she’s ready on time, huh? Thanks.
Winston gives Janet money and gives Janet a soft punch on the chin.
Winston: There’s a good kid.
Janet: He tipped me! 10 bucks!
Cindy: Now do you see what I’m up against?
Janet: Yes! Holy cow!
Cindy: I wish my father was here. He’d know what to do.
Janet: Well, he’s not, so we’re gonna have to think of something.
Cindy: Like what?
Janet: I don’t know. I know. Winston’s never met your family, has he?
Janet: Well, as far as he’s concerned your brother could be the head of the household.
Cindy: What are you talking about? I don’t have a brother.
Janet: We can take care of that right now.
Cindy: Janet, even if my parents started today…
Janet: Cindy…I mean we will get somebody to pretend he’s your brother. Hey Jack! Jack! Would you come out here quick?
Jack: What’s up?
Janet: Come, here, hurry, hurry. Come here.
Jack comes out of the bathroom perplexed.
Janet: What do you think?
Cindy: He’s perfect!
Jack: Well, not perfect—special, maybe. Certainly not perfection…
Cindy: Oh, he can do it!
Cindy kisses Jack on the lips.
Jack: You bet I can! Come to my room, mama. Whoo!
Jack tries to pull Cindy to his room. Janet stops him.
Janet: You are incorrigible. Listen. Cindy cannot get rid of Winston ‘cause he just won’t take her seriously. But if another member of her family spoke to him, say, her older brother named Jack…?
Jack: Oh, no.
Janet: Oh, yeah.
Jack: No, no, no…
Cindy: Please, Jack. It would mean so much to me.
Jack: Let me think about it.
Cindy: Oh, thank you!
Jack: Hang on, I’m still thinking.
Jack hugs Cindy a little bit more. Janet slaps Jack’s back.
Janet: Hey, thinking’s over.
Jack: Excuse me.
Janet: Now look, he has never met you, so if Cindy introduces you as her brother, he’ll never know the difference. Then all you have to do is tell him as head of the household you refuse to let her marry him.
Jack: You mean something like uh, “Winston I cannot condone this marriage. We’re a poor but proud family. Cindy is much too precious to be wasted on just any old millionaire. So take your flowers and shove off!”
Cindy and Janet clap and cheer.
Jack: Was that all right?
Cindy: All righty, that’s great!
Janet: That ought to do it.
Jack: I can do that. Hi, sis.
Cindy, Jack and Winston are having dinner at a fancy restaurant.
Jack: Boy, this is some menu.
Winston: No, no, no let me order.
Cindy; Don’t bother. What my brother has to say will only take a few minutes, then we’ll be leaving. Right, Jack?
Jack: Right, sis.
Jack clears his throat.
Jack: Uh, Mr. Cromwell—
Winston: Oh, Winston.
Jack: Aha! Winston…uh, we’re a poor but proud family—
Winston: A-are you familiar with gourmet food, Mr. Snow?
Cindy: Mr. Snow.
Jack: Gourmet food? I’m a professional chef.
Winston: Oh, then you’d be very interested in our lobster thermador.
Jack: “Our” lobster thermador?
Winston: Oh, yes, you see, I own this restaurant.
Jack: He owns this restaurant. I’d like to try it, but $37.50—
Winston: Oh, don’t let the cheap price fool you. I assure you it’s very good. But you order anything you want. You’re my guests.
Jack: I think we have time for a little snack.
Cindy purposely steps on Jack’s foot. Jack shrieks.
Jack: Winston…we’re a poor but proud family—
Winston: You must try some of this wine from my private cellar.
Winston pours wine on Jack’s glass.
Winston: I would consider it a favor if someone with your knowledge would give me an opinion of it.
Jack: Well, I owe the man that much.
Cindy: Brother, dear, don’t you think you had enough to drink in the limousine coming over here.
Jack: Just a few brandies to help combat car sickness.
Jack: Down the hatch. Up your dividends.
Jack and Winston toast. Jack savors the wine.
Jack: Mmm, not bad, not bad at all. An impudent little wine, very good.
Jack takes another sip.
Winston: Well it should be, for $185.00 a bottle.
Winston’s remark startles Jack that he spits out the wine he’s drinking. Jack tries to clean the mess he made by wiping off the wine he spit out from their glasses and dishes.
Jack: Very good.
Cindy: Now that you’ve got his attention, brother dear, tell him the bad news.
Jack: Right. Win, we’re pure but plowed family…
Winston: I know.
Winston pats Jack’s arm.
Winston: I know.
Jack finishes off his wine.
Winston: I know. You’re afraid that someone with my responsibilities would spend so much time away from home.
Jack: Win, we’re a poor but pwoud pamily—
Winston: You see, Jack, there would be no children. I don’t like them. So, Cindy would have all of my devotion.
Jack: Cindy is much too precious.
Winston: Which is why she’d never be far away from me. She would stay at our chateau outside of Paris.
Winston: Or in one of the townhouses outside of Rome and Zurich. All of these are fully staffed.
Jack: Well, Cindy—fully staffed?
Cindy steps on Jack’s foot again.
Jack: Ow! Ow-our Cinty is much too precious.
Winston: Well, of course, you’re welcome to stay there too, Jack.
Jack: I am?
Winston: As long as you like. In fact, you could be a big help to me in reorganizing my kitchen staffs.
Jack: You’re kidding?
Winston: Not only in the chateaus, but in my gourmet restaurants all over the world! You’d be head chef of course!
Jack: Head ch—you mean like “Commander-in-chef”?
Jack and Winston laugh.
Winston: Yes, and I’m prepared to pay you an enormous salary. The sky’s the limit. Now, how does that strike you?
Jack: Welcome to our poor, but proud family.
Cindy walks out.
Jack sneaks in the apartment.
Janet: What are you tippy-toeing for?
Jack: No, no. I, I just didn’t want to disturb Cindy.
Janet: You mean you didn’t want to face her, you big coward.
Jack: Not after last night, I didn’t. Boy was she mad at me. Her face was all flushed, her mouth was curved into a snarl, her eyes were two narrow slits, yeah, just like that.
Janet: Of all the dumb stupid stunts!
Cindy enters the living room.
Jack: Hi, Cindy, feeling better?
Cindy: Of all the dumb, stupid stunts!
Jack: What did you guys do, compare notes?
Cindy: You’ve ruined my life!
Jack: I said I was sorry. What do you want me to do, kill myself?
Janet: It would be a start.
Cindy: Winston thinks I’m going to marry him. Now, what am I supposed to do.
Jack: Don’t worry. I’ll think of some—
Cindy: It’s him!
Jack: Look, look Cindy, I’ll get rid of him. No problem, I’ll just tell him to leave.
Janet: Look Jack, Winston has got to be told once and for all that Cindy never wants to see him again, and this time it’s got to be done right.
Janet: So, I will do it.
Jack: Well, J—
Janet opens the door angrily.
Janet: All right, Winston, here it is. Cindy never wants to see you again as lo—
Winston shows Janet the engagement ring.
Janet: Oh my God!
Janet: Would you look at the size of that rock! Cindy, come here, you’ve got to see this!
Winston goes over to Cindy.
Jack: That’s telling him, Janet. Get over here!
Winston puts the ring on Cindy’s finger.
Winston: I hope you like it.
Cindy: Winston, I—
Winston: I know it’s not much, but it’s the largest one they had. I reserved the church for tonight. It wasn’t easy, but the bishop owes me a favor. As a matter of fact, so does God.
Winston looks up and does an air punch.
Cindy: I’m not getting married—
Winston: Because you don’t have a wedding gown. We’re gonna fix that. Madame Clara!
Winston whistles. Madame Clara enters followed by a violinist.
Madame Clara: For the happy and beautiful bride, uh, Miss Cindy Snow, our latest and most exclusive designs.
The violinist starts to play music. A model wearing a wedding gown marches inside.
Madame Clara: Adding sophistication to the traditional gown, a white Edith Ana off clear ways.
Janet and Jack’s jaws drop.
Madame Clara: The body is seated with pearls and iridescent stones then wach her back cascade into a train. The turban will enhance the beauty of any bride.
Cindy: No, Winston, no.
Winston: Well, maybe the next one.
Madame Clara: And here is our Guinevere gown,
Another model march inside the apartment. Jack’s mouth widens even more.
Madame Clara: Embroidered French lace bodice completely misted in crystal sequins and minute jewels. It has flowing medieval sleeves…
Jack smiles as the model stands beside him.
Madame Clara: And a layered chiffon skirt.
Jack shakes the hand of the model.
Janet: Jack! Aren’t you gonna say anything?
Jack: Yeah, I like this one. Makes you want to forget the wedding and skip to the honeymoon!
Madame Clara: And our next design is for the Gibson girl bride in ivory imported lace, bracelet-length sleeves are overlayed with silk organza. A coronet of crystal and flowers top a finger-length veil.
Jack whispers to the model.
Jack: See you later, okay? Maybe we could—
The model walks to the middle of the room. Jack follows her, but Janet stops him.
Jack: Excuse me.
Janet: You have to say something to Winston!
Jack: Yeah, you’re right. Excuse me. Look, Winston…
Winston: Yes, Jack?
Jack: You’re not gonna want to go through with the ceremony after you hear what I’m about to say. We lied to you. I’m not Cindy’s brother.
Winston: Oh, I already knew that.
Jack: You did?!
Winston: Yes, I knew you couldn’t be from the same family because of your low forehead and your little beady eyes. That’s the one I’m hoping you pick, it’s my favorite.
Cindy: Janet, help me!
Cindy starts to cry.
Janet: Aw, Winston, please try to understand…
Jack talks to another model.
Jack: Excuse me. Do you live in the 213 area code?
Janet slaps Jack.
Janet: Good heavens! Winston, Cindy doesn’t love you.
Winston: That’ll come in time.
Cindy: No, never, never, never!
Cindy runs to her bedroom and slams the door.
Winston: Pre-wedding nerves. All my wives had them, except…
Winston goes over to Madame Clara.
Winston: Madame Clara, I am going to pick out the gown myself, and I want it delivered immediately. Tell Cindy I’m going to pick her up at 7:30. Oh, it’s such a nice change, marrying a girl that can wear white.
Winston, Madame Clara, the models leave. Jack holds on the train of one of the models.
Janet yells and grabs Jack.
Jack: I was trying to—I’m sorry, Janet.
Janet: Thank you and goodbye. Don’t you realize we have a problem o our hands?
Jack: I know. You’re right, we gotta get rid of that guy before it’s too late. Think of something.
Janet: I got a plan, Jack. I think I know how to get rid of Winston once and for all.
Jack: Great, how?
Winston walks back in.
Winston: Say, Jan…
Winston: What is the name of that place where you work?
Janet: It is the Arcade flower shop, Winston, but why do you want to know?
Winston: I wouldn’t want to buy the wrong shop.
Janet: You’re gonna buy the shop?
Winston: Yes, for you. A little gift for the maid of honor. Well, I think you’re gonna make a wonderful owner. See you in church.
Janet is in shock.
Janet: My own shop.
Jack: Okay, what about your plan?
Janet: What plan?
Cindy: Oh, what am I gonna do?
Janet: Ooh, what have I been thinking? Jack, shame on me. Cindy, listen up, here. I know exactly how to get rid of Winston. We are gonna make him think that there’s something wrong with you.
Cindy: Oh Janet, that’s wonderful!
Cindy hugs Janet.
Cindy: What’s wrong with me?
Janet: Well, we’ll tell him that there’s insanity in your family.
Cindy: Oh, I don’t think he’d believe that.
Janet: Why not? He met your brother Jack, didn’t he?
Cindy: Oh, I don’t think it wou—
Janet: Okay, okay, I’ll think of something.
Jack: Wait a minute I just remembered something!
Jack: Listen, here’s what we’re gonna do…
Janet paces about the living room.
Janet: Cindy, would you please stop fussing and get out here?
Cindy walks out the door wearing a wedding dress.
Janet: You look beautiful.
Cindy: Never mind that. Do you think it’ll work?
Janet: Well of course, it will work.
Cindy: Winston will be here soon and where’s Jack?
Janet: Cindy, please don’t worry.
Cindy: What if Mr. and Mrs. Harris say no to him?
Janet: They’re not gonna say no. They owe me a very big favor.
Cindy: Oh no, it’s him.
Janet: Cindy please, just do everything the way we planned and it’s gonna be swell, okay?
Janet: Here we go.
Janet opens the door.
Janet: Hi, Winston, Cindy’s waiting for you.
Winston enters wearing a tuxedo and a top hat. He jiggles his hat on his head.
Winston: Ci—I—I—does this mean—
Cindy: Yes, I have decided to marry you.
Winston: Oh, goody! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get so emotional, but I knew you would.
Cindy: It’s hard to keep saying “NO”.
Winston: Well, come on, darling, let’s go.
Cindy: Oh, not so soon.
Winston: Oh, still shy, I like that.
Winston smacks and gestures that they leave.
Winston: Come on, come on.
Cindy: No, no, I can’t.
Winston: Well, that’s why we’re getting married, so you can.
Cindy: No, I’ve got to talk to you.
Winston: Not now Cindy, I have arranged for the minister to begin promptly at eight. It’s bad form to arrive in the middle of your own ceremony.
Cindy: No wait, stop, Janet!
Janet: Winston, I have to tell you something first—
Janet blocks the door. Jack opens the door.
Janet gets pushed to the wall. Cindy closes the door.
Cindy: Oh, Janet! Are you all right?
Janet: I’m fine, Cindy. Who was at the door?
Cindy opens the door.
Cindy: Oh, I’m sorry! Are you hurt?
Jack: Peachy, just peachy, de nada.
Winston: Cindy, we simply must not be late.
Cindy: All right, but first we have to talk about something.
Janet: What kept you?
Jack: They made me stop for ice cream, double scoops. Come on in, kids. Say hi to your mommy.
A little girl and girl runs inside the apartment and towards Janet.
Kids: Mommy, mommy, mommy.
Janet: Of course you want your mommy. There she is!
The kids run to Cindy.
Kids: Mommy, mommy, mommy!
Winston: What? What? What?
Boy: Who’s the funny-looking man?
Jack: No, no…
The little girl stands beside the daddy.
Girl: Is he our new daddy?
Jack: Yes, he is.
Boy: The one with all the money who’s gonna give us anything we want?
Winston: Who are these, these—
Janet: These darling little children? Why, these are Cindy’s babies.
Winston: But—but where did they come from?
Jack: Winston, you’re getting married and you don’t know that?
Winston: You never told me you were married!
Cindy: I’m not.
Cindy: I told you it was had to keep saying “NO”.
Boy: When are we going to the honeymoon?
Jack: You’ll have to ask your daddy.
Boy: Where are we going, papa?
Winston: I don’t kn—don’t call me papa!
Girl: Hey, Jack, can we go out and play?
Jack: Yes, you can play. Christopher likes to play “horsey”.
Jack carries the little boy and puts him on Winston’s back. The little girl hangs on to Winston’s leg.
Winston: No, no children! Children off! Off, child, child! Off, off! I’m sorry to tell you this, but this marriage is off.
Winston removes Cindy’s engagement ring.
Winston: I cannot stand children! I never could! When I was a child, I couldn’t stand me.
Winston walks out.
Cindy: We did it! It worked!
Moments later, the phone starts to ring. Janet runs to get it.
Chrissy: Janet, what took you so long to answer the phone?
Janet: I was getting Cindy out of her wedding gown.
Chrissy: Isn’t her husband supposed to do that?
Janet: She’s not married.
Chrissy: What’s she doing in a wedding gown?
Janet: Oh, golly, it is a long story.
Chrissy: It’s okay, I’m calling long distance.
Janet: Okay, here goes. There was this guy who wanted to marry Cindy, and she couldn’t get him to take “no” for an answer. Okay? So, first we got her in this wedding gown then we introduced her children to him.
Chrissy: You’re telling this all wrong, Janet. First, you get married and then you have the children.
Janet: Hey, Chrissy, will you just listen? Look, it was a plan that we all made up just to get rid of this guy, and it worked. Now do you understand?
Chrissy: Yeah, and I’m mad.
Janet: Why are you mad?
Chrissy: ‘cause, my own cousin gets married and has children and she never even invited me to the wedding.
Chrissy hangs up.
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Father of the Bride" episode was written by Tom Dusmuir. Three’s Company is a registered Service Mark of Three’s Company (California Joint Venture of The NRW Company and T.T.C. Productions, Inc.)
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