Saturday, January 12, 2008

And Baby Makes Four – Three’s Company Transcript 5.17

And Baby Makes Four Three's Company TranscriptMr. Furley is fixing the lamp in the living room when Janet checks on him.

Janet: Okay, Mr. Furley, is it all fixed?
Mr. Furley: Would you mind flipping off that switch while I fix this loose wire?
Janet: Sure. There you go.
Mr. Furley: Okay. Safety first, you know.
Janet: Yeah.   Continue reading...

Jack arrives from the gym.

Jack: Oh, hi.
Janet: Hi.
Jack: Hey, Mr. Furley, looks like you need some light.

Jack turns on the light switch.

Janet: No!

Electricity starts buzzing. Mr. Furley yells in pain. Jack hurriedly turns off the switch. Mr. Furley starts squirming from pain..

Jack:: Oh, I’m sorry, Mr. Furley, I’m sorry.
Janet: Are you all right?
Mr. Furley: I think he melted my fillings.
Jack: I’m so sorry.

Mr. Furley mumbles and throws a fit.

Janet: Mr. Furley, now calm down.
Mr. Furley: I’ll see you later!
Janet: Wait, where are you going?
Mr. Furley: I need some wire. Besides, I wanna get outta here before another accident—

Cindy barges in and hits Mr. Furley with the front door.

Cindy: Hi, everybody! I’m late.

Cindy runs to the bedroom.

Cindy: Can’t talk. I gotta fix my face.
Mr. Furley: Me too!

Janet and Jack help Mr. Furley.

Janet: Mr. Furley? Mr. Fruley!
Mr. Furley: Have we met?
Jack: Mr. Furley, are you okay?
Mr. Furley: Yeah, of course I’m okay. Why wouldn’t be okay? I’ll see you later. I gotta get some wire.

Mr. Furley walks away from the front door.

Jack: Yeah, excuse me—the front door is over here.

Jack goes after Mr. Furley and leads him to the right direction.

Jack: Here’s the front door. Watch your step.
Janet: Here you go.
Jack: Excuse me, Mr. Fur—are you sure you’re okay?
Mr. Furley: I’m fine!
Janet: Holy cow!

Cindy runs out of the bedroom.

Cindy: Hi, guys, I’m late.
Janet: Wait a second! Is everything all right?
Cindy: Yes. No. Oh, it’s my boyfriend, Doug. I gotta go. I’m late.

Janet stammers. Cindy leaves.

Janet: Boy, that fashion photographer boyfriends of hers has got her so confused. Jack, have you ever met this Doug?
Jack: No. Nuh-uh. Here.

Jack hands Janet her mail.

Janet: Me, either. Say, Jack, do you think it would be terrible if one of us sort of bump into him?
Jack: You mean, on their date?
Janet: Well—
Jack: You mean, sort of check him out and see if he’s the right guy for Cindy? Come one, Janet, Cindy’s a big girl. She can take care of herself.
Janet: Let’s go.

Jack and Janet rush outside.

Jack: Right.

A few seconds later, both Jack and Janet return.

Jack: Janet?
Janet: Hm?
Jack: The next time we go anywhere, find out where we’re going first.

Cindy is at the Regal Beagle with her boyfriend.

Doug: You know, Cindy, gazing at you in this light, I’ve got to tell you.
Cindy: Yes, Doug?
Doug: You look terrible.
Cindy: Not again.
Doug: I’m afraid so. Too much blusher.
Cindy: But I thought you said to emphasize my cheekbones.
Doug: I said emphasize, not advertise. And I can see you haven’t been using the honey-almond facial I recommended. You know, I insist that all my models use it.

Doug starts wiping off the blush from Cindy’s cheek.

Doug: It does wonders for their skin.

Cindy pushes away his hand.

Cindy: But I’m not one of your models. Why can’t you just try liking me the way I am? I do.
Doug: Of course you do, but then, your standards aren’t as high as mine.
Cindy: Doug, why won’t you just buzz off?
Doug: All right. But it’s your loss.

The barmaid approach Cindy.

Kelly: Nice guy.
Cindy: That’s the last fashion photographer I ever date.
Kelly: Ah, Cindy, let me tell you something. I haven’t met a man yet who didn’t try to change me one way or another. You take this jeweler I’ve been seeing.
Cindy: He got you to wear those earrings.
Kelly: He got me pregnant.
Cindy: Oh, boy.
Kelly: Oh, boy or girl. I don’t know yet.
Cindy: Does he wanna marry you?
Kelly: Oh, sure. I just don’t wanna marry him.
Cindy: But why?
Kelly: I don’t love him.
Cindy: But how’re you gonna raise a baby all by yourself?
Kelly: I’ll manage. Say, I don’t suppose you know anybody with some old maternity clothes?
Cindy: I’ll call a friend of mine as soon as I get home.
Kelly: Oh, thanks. I’d appreciate it.
Cindy: Kelly, do you think you’re doing the right thing by not getting married?
Kelly: Cindy, there are just some men you don’t wanna spend the rest of your life with.

Larry wearing a track suit with matching headband interrupts their conversation.

Larry: Kelly, baby.
Kelly: A perfect example.
Larry: Kelly, I just wanna say three magic words to you—
Kelly: Give up, Larry.
Larry: Not even close.

Kelly walks away. Larry joins Cindy.

Larry: What did I do?
Cindy: She’s pregnant.

Larry pledges.

Larry: I was at the movies.

Mr. Furley is at the apartment to finish working on the lamp. Janet is sitting on the couch wearing big red glasses reading a magazine.

Mr. Furley: There, that oughta do it. Perfect.
Janet: Now, thank you. Now, we can see again.
Mr. Furley: I wish I could say the same thing.

Mr. Furley turns to reveal a black eye.

Mr. Furley: Well, I’ll see you later.
Janet: Okay, ‘bye.

Cindy barges in and nearly hits Mr. Furley.

Mr. Furley: Did you ever think of wearing a bell?

Mr. Furley leaves.

Cindy: What’s bothering him?
Janet: Oh, well, he’s had a very bad day.
Cindy: He’s not the only one.
Janet: Really? What happened?
Cindy: No, I don’t want to talk about it.
Janet: Okay, honey, whatever you say.
Cindy: That Doug, all he ever wants his own way. You should’ve been there, Janet.
Janet: Why? What happened?
Cindy: I told you, I don’t want to talk about it.
Jack: Janet, would you stop badgering this poor girl? Can’t you see she’s upset.

Jack comforts Cindy by hugging her.

Jack: There, there, Cindy. Uncle Jackie’s here.
Janet: Do you feel better now?
Jack: I certainly do!

Janet hits Jack with the newspaper.

Janet: Jack, come on! Cindy’s just had a terrible fight with her boyfriend.
Jack: Really?
Cindy: Yes, and after what he just did, I don’t care if I see him again.

Cindy walks to the kitchen.

Janet: H—C—

Jack turns to Janet confused. Janet shrugs.

Janet: I’ll see.

Janet follows Cindy to the kitchen.

Janet: Cindy? Listen, whatever it is that’s on your mind, dear, are you sure you don’t want to talk about it.
Cindy: I’m sure. Janet?
Janet: Yes?
Cindy: Do you think it’s right for a woman to have a baby without getting married?
Janet: Oh, golly, that depends on who the woman is.
Cindy: She’s a friend! Well, she’s not exactly a friend. Yes, she is a friend.
Janet: A friend? And she’s pregnant? Oh.

Janet watches Cindy put jelly on her sandwich and almost throws up.

Janet: Cindy, are you putting jelly on your tuna fish sandwich?
Cindy: What? Oh, yeah. I guess, I am.

Janet chuckles.

Janet: Haha—ha. Never saw you put jelly on a tuna fish sandwich before.
Cindy: Since I left Fresno, I’ve been doin’ a lot of things I never did before.

Cindy takes a bit off her sandwich and walks to the living room. Janet looks worried. Jack enters the kitchen. Jack whispers to Janet.

Jack: Hey, Janet, what’s goin’ on?
Janet: Come here, come here, come here. I think w have a very big problem.
Jack: What’re you talking about?
Janet: It’s Cindy. I think she’s pregnant.
Jack: Cindy? Pregnant? Cindy? Oh, come—Pregnant? When? How?

Janet stares at Jack.

Jack: All right. When?
Janet: I don’t know, Jack. I don’t know. She hasn’t exactly come right out and admitted it yet.
Jack: It can’t be. Not Cindy.
Janet: Well, anybody can make a mistake.
Jack: Hey, I know she’s accident prone, but that’s carrying it a little too far.
Janet: Okay, fine, well, you wanna make jokes? Well, you don’t care?
Jack: Of course I care, but there’s nothing to care about. I mean, if Cindy were pregnant, we’d be the first to know. Or, at least, the second. But why are we standing here? Let’s go ask her, okay?
Janet: Okay.
Jack: Come on.

Jack and Janet step out of the kitchen. Cindy is on the phone.

Cindy: Your old maternity clothes are just what I need. I knew I could count on you, Mary. And a crib? Oh, that would really come in handy. Gosh, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this.

Jack and Janet go back to the kitchen.

Jack: Oh, my god, she really is pregnant.

Janet bites knuckles. Jack who is holding Janet’s other hand, bites her hand.

Jack: Janet, what’re we gonna do?
Janet: Well, we’re not gonna say anything, for starters, Jack. I mean, obviously, she doesn’t want us to know.
Jack: Yeah, yeah, you’re right, you’re right. Okay, we’ll just be understanding and considerate, and, above all, try not to upset her.

Jack walks out of the kitchen.

Janet: All right.
Jack: Okay, Cindy—

Cindy enters the kitchen and hits Jack with the kitchen door.

Cindy: Are you okay?

Jack controls his anger and looks at Janet.

Janet: Uh-ee.
Jack: Okay? Ha-ha! I’ve never felt better. Nothin’ like a good door slam in the face to pick you up. What’re you doing standing up? You should be living down. I want you get into your bed. Now, come on. I’ll bring you a nice cup of hot chocolate and a pickle.
Cindy: What?
Janet: Oh, please, Jack, let me take care of this. Cindy, I’ll get you something that’s really nice and nourishing.
Cindy: No, thanks. I’m not hungry.
Jack: But what about the little one?
Cindy: Well, if Janet’s hungry, I’ll be glad to fix her something.
Janet: No, Cindy, please, you need your rest. You go lie down. Go on, sweetheart.

Jack leads Cindy to her bedroom.

Cindy: But Janet! Now, go lie down!
Jack: Okay, now, sleep tight! Oh, Janet, I don’t think I can survive nine months of this.
Janet: I’d like just 10 minutes alone with that Doug.
Jack: Please, Janet, one pregnant roommate is enough.
Janet: Jack!
Jack: Calm down, Janet. What do you want? There’s noting we can do.
Janet: Oh yes, there is.
Jack: What?!
Janet: Call him up—call him up and tell him that this baby is his responsibility, too, and that he can’t just go walking away from Cindy, and if he’s any kind of man at all, he’ll marry her.
Jack: You’re gonna tell him all that?
Janet: No, you are.

Janet pulls Jack to the phone.

Jack: No, Janet, I can’t—No, Janet, come on—

Jack talks to Doug at the Regal Beagle. Jack confronts a buffed man at the bar.

Jack: Hey, are you Doug Cooper?

The buffed guy stands up to Jack.

Buffed guy: No.
Jack: Thank god.
Doug: Excuse me, I’m Doug. Are you Jack Tripper?
Jack: Yeah.
Doug: Have a seat.
Jack: Don’t tell me what to do. I think I’ll take a seat.
Doug: All right, start talking.
Jack: You just couldn’t get your hands off Cindy, could you?
Doug: Look, I was just trying to do her a favor.
Jack: A favor?!
Doug: I thought it would be good for her complexion.
Jack: What?!
Doug: She didn’t even thank me.
Jack: Thank you?!

Jack stands up. Mr. Furley approaches him.

Mr. Furley: Hey, Jack—
Jack: Lemme tell you something. You can’t just play around with somebody’s affections and expect to get away with it.
Mr. Furley: Jack, for heaven’s sakes. This is no place for a lovers’ quarrel.
Jack: Mr. Furley, this is Cindy’s boyfriend. He walked out on her.
Mr. Furley: For you?

Mr. Furley looks closely at Doug.

Mr. Furley: Listen, you’re making a big mistake.
Jack: Mr. Furley, not for me—we’re talking about Cindy.
Mr. Furley: Oh, wait a minute. If you’ve done something to hurt Cindy, you’ll have to answer to me. I won’t put up with it! I’ll—

Doug stands up.

Doug: You’ll what?
Mr. Furley: I’ll—I’ll get behind Jack. He was here first.
Jack: Don’t you think you owe Cindy after what you did to her?
Doug: No! Look if anything, she owes me. I usually get paid for it.

Jack and Mr. Furley could not believe their ears.

Jack: Well, you’re gonna get something else.

Jack prepares to punch Doug, but hits Mr. Furley with his elbow instead. Mr. Furley puts his hand over the eye that Jack hit. Jack holds his elbow. Both squirm in pain and Doug walks away.
Janet anxiously pace about the apartment when Jack returns.

Janet: Jack, did you see Doug?
Jack: Yeah, and he made me so mad, I wanted to punch him out.
Janet: You didn’t.
Jack: No, I hit Furley instead.
Janet: What?
Jack: It was an accident, Janet, but boy, is he steamed.
Janet: Jack, you haven’t helped Cindy at all. We’ve got to do something.
Jack: Now, look, Janet, I’ve been thinking maybe we’re overreacting. I mean, Cindy’s young, she’s strong. I bet she can handle this just fine.

Cindy arrives at the apartment looking depressed.

Jack: Or maybe not.
Janet: Cindy, honey. What’s the matter?
Cindy: Oh, I’ve been thinking, Janet. A baby needs to have a father.
Janet: Well, does that mean that your friend is going to marry the guy?
Cindy: Oh, no, she’d rather die than do that. Why does life have to be so rotten.

Cindy goes to her bedroom.

Jack: She’d rather die?! Janet, we gotta do somethin’.
Janet: I know, Jack, but what?
Jack: Well she’s gotta get married.
Janet: Okay, but to who?
Jack: To somebody, anybody.
Janet: Like who?
Jack: Like me. Who said that?
Janet: You would marry her?
Jack: Look, I know it’s crazy, but you saw her. She needs somebody.
Janet: Yeah Jack, but aren’t you the one who said she could take care of herself, she was a big girl?
Jack: Yeah, but that’s before I knew how big she was gonna get.
Janet: Jack, think of the responsibility.
Jack: Well Janet, it’s about time that I settled down.
Janet: But you’re gonna have to take care of a whole family.
Jack: Yeah, but that’lll give me an incentive to work harder.
Janet: You can’t date other girls.
Jack: It’ll—
Janet: Jack?
Jack: I’m thinking—oh, I have to do it. There’s no way—

Larry knocks then barges in.

Larry: Say, Jack,up for a little racquetball?
Jack: No, some other time, Larry. I’m trying to think of a way to propose to Cindy.
Larry: Okay, I’ll catch you later.

Larry makes his way out the door when Jack’s answer hits him. He runs to Janet.

Larry: Did he say what I thought he said?

Janet nods.

Larry: Jack? Married?
Janet: Hey, Larry, I don’t think—

Larry slaps himself. He enters the kitchen to talk to Jack.

Larry: Jack, why didn’t you tell me the good news?
Jack: Larry—
Larry: You and Cindy, you tricky little devil.
Jack: Look, Larry—
Larry: Well, it had to happen to one of us sooner or later. Oh, I wanna tell you something’, buddy, from the bottom of my heart. Better you than me.
Jack: Look, Larry, unless you’re gonna help me think of a way to propose to Cindy—
Larry: Oh, that’s easy.
Jack: What do you mean, easy? You never proposed before.
Larry: Come on. Sure I have. Lots of times. The important thing is not to have any witnesses around.
Jack: Thanks a lot, Larry.
Larry: No, Jack, really, it’s very simple.
Jack: I don’t know. What do I say?
Larry: Okay, lemme think.

Mr. Furley with two black eyes, comes up and finds the apartment door open.

Mr. Furley: Jack? Janet? Anybody home?

Janet steps out of the bedroom.

Janet: Yes, who is it?

Janet is startled by Mr. Furley’s appearance.

Janet: Mr. Furley! Just look at you.
Mr. Furley: How, I can’t see? I don’t suppose you’d have a steak in the house?
Janet: Oh, I think that ice would be better for your ice.
Mr. Furley: Forget my eyes, I haven’t had anything to eat all day.
Janet: Well, in that case, why don’t you go on and ask Jack? He’s in the kitchen.
Mr. Furley: Thank you.

Mr. Furley makes his way to the kitchen.

Larry: All right, you say something like this.

Mr. Furley walks in on Larry and Jack, while Larry is holding Jack’s hand.

Larry: “Darling, you mean the world to me.

Mr. Furley’s jaw drops.

Larry: And there’s no reason to go on living if you won’t be mine.”
Jack: Larry.

Jack points at the shocked Mr. Furley. Larry decides to continue with the role playing.

Larry: Now, don’t you worry, Ralphie. I’m not gonna let Jackie come between us. But do, do me a favor, and don’t use so much eye shadow.

Mr. Furley chuckles.

Mr. Furley: I get it. You’re puttin’ me on, right?

Mr. Furley chuckles. Larry does not answer.

Mr. Furley: Right?

Mr. Furley looks at Larry’s hand that is on his shoulder.

Mr. Furley: I think I’m gonna lie down.

Mr. Furley runs out the kitchen. Larry and Jack follow him.

Mr. Furley: Get away from me!

Larry and Jack laugh. Cindy steps out of her bedroom.

Cindy: Sounds like I missed all the fun.
Larry: You think that was fun? Wait’ll Jack and you get together.
Jack: Larry! Uh, uh, I’m sorry. Excuse me.
Larry: Oh, Cindy, I just wanna say, I think that you’re one lucky girl.

Larry turns to Jack.

Larry: You devil!
Cindy: What did he mean by that?

Jack stammers. Janet bites her thumbnail.

Jack: Well, the—Janet and I were talking. Janet, why don’t you—
Janet: Look at this filthy ashtray! I’ve got to empty it.

Janet runs to the kitchen leaving Jack and Cindy alone in the living room.

Jack: Cindy, I, uh—what’s that?

Cindy pulls out clothes from her brown bag.

Cindy: Maternity clothes. Isn’t that cute?

Cindy puts the dress over her.

Jack: Oh, it’s ador—adorable. Cindy, I have to ask you something.

Jack kneels.

Cindy: Go ahead.
Jack: Cindy, would—

Jack sighs. Cindy walks to the couch. Jack, still on his knees, follows her.

Jack: Cindy—
Cindy: Jack, what are you doin’ down there?
Jack: Cindy, when two people are around each other, a lot, like we are, they don’t realize how much they mean to each other, like we do, and sometimes they mean more to each other than they think. What I’m saying is,

Jack exhales.

Jack: Will you mo-o-o-o—

Jack stammers.

Jack: Marry me!
Cindy: Marry you? Excuse me.

Cindy slowly walks to the kitchen door then runs inside to Janet.

Cindy: Oh, Janet, you’re never gonna believe this in a million years.
Janet: Congratulations, I know you’ll be really happy!

Cindy’s eyes grow wide. The pregnant barmaid from the Regal Beagle knocks on the door.

Jack: Hi.
Kelly: Hi, is Cindy home? I came to pick up the maternity clothes.
Jack: Maternity—
Kelly: There they are, great.
Jack: Hang on, those are Cindy’s.
Kelly: Cin—no, Cindy’s not pregnant, I am.
Jack: You are?! Congratulations!

Jack rejoices and hugs the barmaid.

Kelly: Will you tell Cindy I picked these up? I’m a little late for work.
Jack: Yeah, well, nice going. Congrat—Cindy!

Cindy pops out of the kitchen.

Cindy: Be with you in a second, Jack.

Cindy runs back to Janet.

Cindy: So, listen, Janet, I mean, I love Jack, but I don’t love him. He’s family, not husband.
Janet: Oh Cindy, sit down, please. Come on, let’s just sit down here for a sec’. Now, Cindy, don’t you ever wanna get married?
Cindy: Sure, someday.
Janet: Well, who do you wanna marry?
Cindy: I don’t know yet, but he’d have to respect me as a person. And he’d have to be fun to be with. And he’d have to be kind, and gentle, and considerate.
Janet: Well, isn’t Jack all of those things?
Cindy: Yeah.
Janet: Well, Cindy, do you want to take a chance on giving up something you already have for something that you might never get?
Cindy: You know, Janet. That makes a lot of sense.
Janet: I’m so glad.
Cindy: Thanks.
Janet: You’re welcome, anytime.

Cindy rushes out the door and almost hits Jack with the kitchen door.

Cindy: Jack!
Jack: Whoa! Cindy, calm down. There’s something that I have to tell you.
Cindy: But first, there’s something I have to tell you: yes.
Jack: Yes, what?
Cindy: Yes, I’ll marry you.
Jack: No!
Cindy: No, what?
Jack: No, I don’t have to marry you now.
Cindy: What?

Janet steps out of the kitchen.

Cindy: Oh, Janet, I’m losing him already. Jack, I’ll be a good wife. I’ll give you love, and respect, and a nice home.
Jack: I know you would, but you’re not pregnant.
Cindy: Well, I’ll give you that, too.
Jack: No, Cindy, you don’t understand. You’re not already pregnant.
Cindy: Talk about lazy!

Janet is confused.

Janet: Wait a minute, what do you mean, she’s not already pregnant?
Jack: You know Cindy’s friend?
Janet: Yeah.
Jack: There really was a friend.
Janet: You mean—
Cindy: Kelly? Wait a second. Did you think I was pregnant?
Jack: No, Janet did.
Cindy: Janet.
Janet: Well—
Cindy: And that’s why you proposed to me?
Jack: Well—
Cindy: Doesn’t anybody around here give me any credit for knowing what I’m doing?
Jack: Well, you keep bumping into things.
Cindy: Lemme—lemme tell you both something. I do know what I’m doing and I can take care of myself just fine, and don’t you two ever forget it.

Cindy is upset and walks out on Jack and Janet.

Jack: Wait, Cindy, come on—
Cindy: And another thing. You two are the best friends that anybody ever had.

Cindy hugs Jack and Janet. Janet’s watering the plants when the phone rings.

Janet: Hello?
Chrissy: Oh, hi, Janet. What’s new?
Janet: Hi, Chrissy. Oh heavens. You would not believe what’s been going on around here. I’d tell you about it, but it’s so confusing.
Chrissy: Janet, you never think I’m gonna understand anything. Come on, tell me.
Janet: Okay, you know Kelly down at the Regal Beagle? Well, she told Cindy that she was pregnant.
Chrissy: Wow, Cindy was pregnant, and she didn’t know until Kelly told her?
Janet: No, Kelly was pregnant, but we saw Cindy eatin’ this sandwich with tuna fish and jelly on it, so we jumped to the wrong conclusion, and Jack ended up asking her to marry him. But anyway, everything got all straightened out by the end.
Chrissy: That’s good. When you see Kelly, tell her congratulations on her baby.
Janet: Okay, I w—why Chrissy Snow, you did understand.
Chrissy: Well, I’m not as dumb as you think, you know.
Janet: Hey, I don’t think you’re dumb.
Chrissy: Jack got Kelly pregnant, then when he was eating a tuna fish sandwich, he decided to marry Cindy instead, which, if you ask me, I don’t think that’s very nice of Jack. And I’ll tell you, if he thinks I’m gonna send him a wedding present, he can just forget it.

This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “And Baby Makes Four” episode was written by Martin Rips and Joseph Staretski. Three’s Company is a registered Service Mark of Three’s Company (California Joint Venture of The NRW Company and T.T.C. Productions, Inc.)

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