Roy and Fay are arguing.
Roy: I’m telling you, lady, you stay away from my hangar.
Fay: Well, you stay way from my birds.
Roy: I didn’t touch those stupid birds, and they are not your birds anyway.
Fay: They are, too, I adopted them.
Joe approaches the two.
Joe: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What’s going on?
Roy: This kook that you got working for you was over by my hangar in the tall grass crawling around on her belly. She looked like some mutant gopher.
Fay: Well, you’re no magazine cover, yourself.
Roy: Hey, you…
Joe: Guys, guys, guys, guys, now let’s just get to the bottom of this. Now, first of all, what is that thing?
Joe looks at a pole with a mirror that Fay is holding.
Fay: Uh, well, it’s my own invention. I—I use it to peek around corners and look at birds with. I call it, “the thing I use to peek around corners and look at birds with”.
Joe: Works for me.
Roy: I don’t care what she calls it. Just tell her to keep it away from my hangar.
Fay: I’m suing it to get a good look at 3 short-eared owls that are nesting out there. If Roy has his way, he’s going to build an addition to his hangar right on top of them.
Roy: I need that extra space for a hangar to park my new plane.
Joe: Roy, couldn’t you put it somewhere else?
Fay: I’ve got a suggestion.
Roy: You and me, the parking lot, anytime you’re ready, Granny.
Roy moves closer to Fay, but Joe stops him.
Joe: For God’s sake, Roy.
Roy: She’s been askin’ for it.
Fay: Give me your best shot, lumpy.
Joe: Hey, come on, you two.
Fay: Joe, can you come to the next airport committee meeting and help us save the owls?
Roy: Come on, come on, Hackett, this really doesn’t concern you. And besides, someday you might want me to return the favor, hmm?
Joe: Fay, Roy’s right. If I attend that meeting I could seriously jeopardize my relationship with him.
Roy puts his arm around Joe, laughs and pats him on the shoulder.
Joe: What time should I be there?
Fay: 8 o’clock.
Joe walks away.
Fay: Oh, you’re a sweetheart, Joe.
Brian arrives and starts flirting with one of his passengers.
Gloria: Thanks for a wonderful flight.
Brian: Hey, the pleasure was all mine, Gloria. By the way, have you signed up for our bonus travel miles?
Gloria: I didn’t know you had one of those programs?
Brian: I don’t, but for you, I’d start one. Now, if you just give me your phone number, you can sit in first class. If you have dinner with me, you can sit on my lap.
Gloria: Get serious.
Gloria grabs her bag from Brian then leaves. Joe approaches Brian.
Joe: Brian, I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t use my airline as a dating service.
Brian: Hey Joe, explain to me again why we have this airline.
Joe: You know, dad was right. We should’ve had you neutered along with Ranger.
Joe makes his way to the lunch counter and sits on a stool.
Brian: Hold those scissors, Joe. I got a big surprise for you. You too, Helen, shake it on over here.
Brian sits on the counter.
Brian: Hey, guys, you now how we’re always saying that we never get together, just the three of us, you know, like when we were kids.
Brian: Well, listen to this. Friday night, three seats, center court, Celtics-Knicks game.
Joe: You’re kidding me, that’s great.
Helen: How did you score tickets like that?
Brian: Ah, a friend of mine did me a little favor. You remember Jerry who works over at Air Freight at Logan?
Joe: The guy with the hole in his cheek?
Brian: Yeah. Well, he has access to Larry Bird’s personal—
Joe: Larry Bird’s personal seats! I can’t believe it!
Brian: No, he has access to Larry Bird’s personal plumber.
Joe: And he got us the seats?
Brian: No. When all was said and done, we got the tickets from a girl named Babs.
Helen: Oh, what’s the difference? I am there.
Joe: Yeah, me, too.
Helen: This is gonna be like old times. The three musketeers together again.
The three act like the three musketeers. Brian jumps off the counter and starts fencing. Joe follows suit.
Joe: So, uh, what do we owe Babs for the tickets?
Brian: I can answer that in three simple words. Bonus Travel Miles.
Joe arrives at the airport following a couple who has never stopped kissing since they arrived.
Joe: Congratulations. Hope you enjoy your honeymoon. Hi, Fay.
Fay: Hi, Joe. How was the flight?
Joe: Oh, the flight was a piece of cake. The hard part was to get those two to return to their seats to the upright position.
Fay: Well, I’m glad to see you’re in such a chipper mood today.
Joe: Yeah, why shouldn’t I be? I’m going to the Celtics game tonight.
Joe pretends to be shooting a basketball.
Fay: Oh, no you’re not.
Joe: What—what? What do you mean?
Fay: Roy found out you’re going to the game tonight and he got the airport committee to call an emergency meeting.
Joe: No, no, no, no. You, uh, you’re gonna have to find someone else to handle that owl thing.
Fay shakes her head.
Joe: What about the president of the Nantucket Nature Society? Lois—
Fay: Lois Sanders. No, I’m afraid not. You remember that bumper sticker she has on her car, “I brake for field mice”? Well, she did and got rear-ended by a bus.
Lowell is up on a ladder next to the Sandpiper Air counter.
Lowell: I paid he a visit in the hospital. She’s doin’ fine. Well, she’s still a little skittish if you come up behind her and go, “beep”.
Fay: So, you’ve –you’ve got to come to the meeting, Joe. You’re my only hope.
Joe: Oh, no, no, Fay.
Joe throws a tantrum and makes his way to his office.
Joe: No, no, please.
Joe steps out.
Joe: We’re talkin’ about the Knicks and the Celtics.
Fay: You promised.
Lowell: She’s got you there, Joe. Unless you had your fingers crossed, you’re dead meat.
Joe: But…oh, all right.
Fay: Good, be there at 8:00. It should be fun.
Joe walks away.
Fay: Frank Goodman’s twins had their tonsils out and he’s going to bring them. The twins—I—I think.
Joe makes his way to the lunch counter where Brian and Helen are.
Joe: Bad news, guys. I can’t go to the game. I gotta go to this airport committee meeting tonight.
Helen: Oh, no, Joe.
Joe: Yeah, I’m afraid so, but you’ll have to promise me that you two won’t let my not going stand in your way.
Brian and Helen look at him blankly.
Brian: Stand in our way of what?
Joe: Going to the game, you now, the three musketeers and all. It would be just like you guys to cancel it ‘cause I can’t make it.
Helen: Good one, Joe.
Brian: Cool, cool.
Joe walks away.
Brian: So, what time do you wanna get going?
Helen: Somewhere around 6:00?
Brian: All right, that’s fine for me.
Joe is at his office doing some paperwork when Brian enters.
Brian: Joey, what’s up?
Joe: Uh, I’m trying to reconcile these fuel bills against the original orders.
Brian: Oh well, don’t let me bother you.
Brian starts imitating a ping-pong game. Joe looks at him. Brian imitates a ping-pong ball bouncing away.
Joe: Did you want something?
Brian: Well, I just came by to say that uh, it’s not gonna be the same without you tonight. Hey—
Brian quickily grabs the Celtics cap Joe is wearing.
Brian: You won’t be needing this, right?
Brian puts on Joe’s Celtics cap.
Joe: Look, uh, I’m kind of busy here. I gotta finish—
Brian: Hey, I’m bothering you. Bothering you. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Brian takes a pencil and walks towards the window.
Brian starts tapping the pencil on the radiator, the lamp then the blinds. Brian leans on Joe’s chair.
Brian: You know, there is one thing, though. That I—I know I’ve asked you this before, maybe, but just in case anything’s changed, you know—
Joe: What? What?
Brian: Well, you and Helen. Is there, uh—is there anything going on between you guys? You know, I mean, uh, have you ever seen her cello out of its case? Am I making myself clear, you know?
Joe: Uh, I told you. We’re just friends.
Brian: Good. See you.
Brian makes his way out.
Joe: Why do you ask?
Brian: Oh, it’s nothing important. It’s—it’s just something I thought I picked up on, you know.
Joe stands up.
Joe: Picked up on?
Joe: Why? Did Helen say something about me?
Brian: No, no, no, no. I-I-I’m just trying to be a little extra careful, you know, given our past history with women and all.
Joe: Oh, you mean, like, when you ran off with Carol even though at the time she was my girlfriend?
Brian: Yeah, that’s a good example. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, uh, this time I wanna make sure that nobody’s toes get stepped on. See ya.
Joe: What do you mean, this time?
Brian walks towards the door.
Brian: Joe, Joe, when a man and a woman are alone together, things can happen. And so if by chance or by the grace of God, things happen with Helen, I’ll just feel a lot better knowing I have your blessing. Thank you.
Joe: Oh, wait a minute. I didn’t give you my blessing. I simply answered a yes or no question. Besides, you’re forgetting Helen’s rule. She doesn’t date pilots.
Brian: Well, so, she says, but, uh, if opportunity does knock, I wanna know how much to be wearing when I answer the door.
Joe: You’re dreamin’.
Brian: Hey—hey—hey, damn right. Well, see you later. Wish us luck.
Joe: Right. Go Celts!
Brian: Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That night, Joe is at the emergency airport committee meeting.
Roy: The airport is a major transportation artery to this island. I can’t believe we’re sitting around here talking about some cockeyed owls.
Fay: Short-eared owls.
Man: Hey, Joe, hear what happened to the Celtics? A water pipe broke at the Garden this afternoon and flooded the court. They had to call off the game.
Joe: Really? Well, then I didn’t miss anything. That’s great. No, it isn’t. If there wasn’t a game, what are Brian and Helen doing? And where are they doing it?
Board member: Joe, I believe you’re uh, next up.
Joe stands up and faces the committee.
Joe: Well, those owls seem to be doing just fine, so I think we should leave well enough alone.
Roy: You call that progress.
Joe: Roy, those three owls should be together.
Fay: Joe, nobody said about separating them.
Joe: Nobody ever does. It just happens. See, the balance of nature is very delicate. I mean, the slightest little disturbance and everything can go off kilter. I mean, here we have three owls who are perfectly happy together, but what if one day two of those owls decided to fly away. To Boston, for example? Leaving this third owl to do his civic duty. Oh, sure, sure, it might start off with just basketball. But what if that game were cancelled?
Members of the committee look at each other.
Joe: What would they do then? Think about it. Two, healthy, attractive owls. Before long, they wouldn’t even let their lifelong friend back into the nest. The friend that was always there when they needed him. Does that sound fair? I think not!
Joe looks at the board members.
Joe: The good owl, the responsible owl would be stuck out in the cold all by himself, while the other two owls were off laughing and having fun.
Joe: Huh? Oh.
Joe raises his arm then yells.
Joe: Save the owls!
Joe returns to his sit. Roy whistles.
Board member: Thank you Joe, and before we leave tonight, let’s make sure Joe has a designated driver. Well, time to vote.
Lowell: Excuse me. I heard Joe mention owls and I don’t know if this has any relevance, but uh, I was out by Roy’s hangar and I ran over three of them in my pickup.
Roy guffaws. Fay covers her face with her hands.
Board member: Meeting’s adjourned.
Board member hammers her gavel.
Board member: Refreshments are over at the counter.
Lowell: Gee, Fay, I’m really sorry. If it’s any consolation, I don’t think the owls suffered.
Fay: You crushed them with a truck!
Lowell: But real quick. I had to be doin’ a good 40.
Roy approaches Fay with a plate of food.
Roy: Chicken wing, Fay?
Helen and Brian arrive at her house.
Helen: That was a very special evening, Brian. I had no idea you could do a flaming sword dance.
Brian: Ah. Hey, no one was more surprised than me, except maybe the tourists at the Old North Church.
Helen: I really had a good time.
Brian: Yeah, me, too. Me, too.
Helen: Hey, why don’t you come in for some coffee?
Brian: Really? Me in the inner sanctum?
Helen nods and points Brian inside the house. Brian grabs his sweater and pulls himself in.
Brian: Well, so long as I’m already here.
Helen: Hope instant’s okay?
Helen closes the door.
Brian: Yeah, but uh, make it quick.
Brian: Hey, nice shot of your parents.
Brian makes his way over to the mantle where a picture of Helen’s parents sits.
Brian: You know, I always got the feeling that your old man, uh, wasn’t too fond of me.
Helen: No, that was mom. Dad, couldn’t stand you.
Helen: I’ll be out in a minute. You just make yourself comfortable.
Helen goes to the kitchen.
Brian: Comfortable. I can do comfortable.
Helen: It’s too bad Joe couldn’t make it tonight.
Brian goes over to the light switch and dims the lights.
Brian: Yeah, it’s a real shame.
Brian puts the pillows on one corner of the sofa.
Helen: But on the other hand, it did give you and me a chance to become reacquainted.
Brian: Yeah, I haven’t felt this close to you in years.
Brian pulls a tablecloth from under a lamp and puts it over the lampshade.
Helen: You know, Brian, I feel the exact same way.
Brian leans on the sofa, almost lying down.
Helen: I remember when I first moved here from Texas. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you and Joe.
Brian quickly gets off the sofa and turns down the picture of Helen’s parents.
Helen: You guys were my only friends. And everyone else was afraid to even talk to me.
Brian sprays breath freshener in his mouth and in the air.
Helen: Hey, you know what?
Brian lies down on the sofa.
Helen: Well, I’m kind of ashamed to admit this, but all night I kept expecting you to make some asinine schoolboy pass at me. Boy, wouldn’t that have ruined the whole evening?
Brian: It would?
Helen: It sure would. It would have taken a nice time to turned it into something cheap.
Brian returns the pillows to its original place. He takes the tablecloth off the lampshade. Helen’s kettle hisses.
Helen: You know, these days, all guys seem to be interested in is scoring.
Brian turns up the light and jumps back on the sofa.
Helen: Boy, is that a turnoff.
Brian: Yeah, couldn’t agree with you more.
Brian sees the turned down picture of Helen’s parents and fixes it.
Helen: If they only knew how stupid it made them look.
Brian: Yeah. Yeah, stupid.
Helen: Do you take cream?
Brian: Oh, ok.
Brian picks up a book and pretends to laugh. Helen comes out of the kitchen. Brian snorts.
Brian: This is really amusing. Oh, boy.
Helen: Great moments in British History?
Brian: Yeah, yeah. Churchill just gave the Queen a wedgie.
Helen sets Brian’s coffee down on the coffee table and she sits on the sofa.
Helen: Brian, can I ask you a personal question?
Brian: Yeah, I wish you would.
Brian returns the book and sits beside Helen.
Helen: Why did you ever marry Carol? I mean, here you were a reasonably nice guy, taken in by a manipulative, oversexed, hot-pantsed, little liar.
Brian: Hmm. What could it have been?
Helen: Come on, Brian, be serious.
Brian: Ok. Ok.
Brian clears his throat.
Brian: I..oh, gosh, I married Carol because, uh, when it came to her, I couldn’t say no to anything. And um, I gave her whatever she wanted and for a short time, I guess she wanted me. So…
Brian sighs. Helen pats his knee. Brian smirks.
Brian: I was hurt, Helen. Hurt badly. And, you know, I’m not ashamed to admit that in the solitude of my room, I have wept. I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever be able to touch a woman again.
Brian slowly leans on Helen, but she gets off the couch. Brian bumps his head on the armrest.
Helen: Do I really look that stupid to you?
Brian: Of course not, but looks can be deceiving.
Helen: You know. It’s really too bad, Brian. I really hoped we’d get through this whole evening without you being a jerk.
Brian: Ah, admit it, I lasted a lot longer than you thought I would.
Helen: Come on, it’s time to go home.
Brian gallops to the door. Brian opens the door and quickly closes it.
Brian: Uh, I don’t believe this. Joe is parked across the street watching the house.
Helen quickly peeps at the eyehole. Brian checks her butt.
Helen: What’s he doing out there?
Brian: I guess he’s, uh…he doesn’t trust us to be alone together.
Helen: What’s it any of his business? Man, he treats me like I’m his little sister.
Brian looks out the eyehole.
Helen: Well, if Joe wants to worry, I’m gonna give him something to worry about. I think it’s time that you and I teach Joe a lesson.
Brian: Oh, good idea Helen. Let’s you and I teach him a lesson until we’re just too exhausted to teach him anymore.
Helen: What we’re going to do…
Helen: Is you go out the back…
Helen: And walk home. And we’ll leave Joe sittin’ out there thinkin’ you and I spent the night together.
Brian: Oh, right, that’s pretty good, that’s good. You know what would really teach him a lesson?
Brian leads Helen to the foyer.
Brian: If we took off all our clothes and pranced by the window a few times.
Helen: Get out!
Brian: Ok. Ok. Helen look…
The next morning, Brian arrives at the airport.
Brian: Hey, Helen. Joe didn’t come back home last night.
Brian goes behind the counter and stands beside Helen who’s chopping onions.
Helen: Yes, he was still asleep in his car when I left for work this morning.
Brian pours himself a cup of coffee.
Brian: So, when are you gonna tell him.
Helen: I think we deserve the pleasure of watching him twist in the wind.
Brian: Boy, I didn’t know you had such a dark side. I like it.
Joe arrives with his hair disheveled and still wearing his clothes from yesterday.
Helen: Morning, Joe.
Brian: Morning, sunshine.
Joe: Brian. Helen.
He sits on a stool and starts reading his paper.
Helen: You know, Brian, I just can’t quit thinkin’ about last night.
Helen: I had such a good time.
Brian walks to a stool and sits.
Brian: Me too. Your, uh, coffee was nothing short of incredible.
Helen: Thank you. I thought it was pretty incredible myself.
Joe looks at the two.
Brian: Hey, what knocks me out is how long it stayed so hot. We’ll have to have coffee again.
Helen: Soon, I hope.
Brian and Helen toast their mugs.
Joe: So, how was the game.
Helen and Brian: Oh, great.
Brian: Great. Yeah. It was an unusually physical evening. Lots of contact, lots of sweat, and come to think of it, lots of scorin’.
Helen: We really missed you, Joe.
Joe: You did not. You didn’t miss me at all and I happen to know the Celtics game was called off last night.
Brian: I know that. I’m talking about later on at Helen’s.
Helen: We played twister.
Joe: All night? That’s right Brian, I know you never came home last night.
Brian: Are you sure, Joe? I mean, are—are you positive about that? Would you be wiling to stake your life on that? Be careful.
Brian stands up and faces Joe.
Brian: This could be a trick question.
Joe: Yeah, I’d stake my life on it.
Brian: Bang, bang. You’re dead.
Helen: Joe, we saw you outside. While you were staring at my front door, Brian left out the back. We were both home on our own beds, alone.
Helen: Let me tell you something, Joe—
Joe walks away. Helen follows him.
Helen: The next time you wanna know something about my private life, ask me. It’ll save you a night on stakeout.
Joe enters his office. Helen follows.
Helen: Hey, I’m not through with you. I wanna know what makes you think you have the right to spy on me?
Joe: I wasn’t spying. I was just watching your every move without you knowing it. God, this is embarrassing.
Helen: Tell me about it.
Joe closes the door.
Joe: You see, Brian and I, we’ve always had this weird competition. I don’t even know the rules, but when he wins, the prize always seems to be something of mine. First, it was a baseball, then it was a bicycle, then, a few years ago, it was Carol. Well, last night, it felt like he was taking away a friend. Plus, well, you know how Brian is with women.
Joe: He didn’t give you Bonus Travel Miles, did he?
Joe: Never mind. It’s—it’s just that I’ve gotten used to lookin’ after you like a big brother. If you want me to stop, I will.
Helen: Well, I didn’t say that. But this is just kind of confusing, Joe. I mean, when a brother thinks you’re in trouble, he rushes in and punches your date in the nose, but only someone who’s jealous spies on you like a jerk. Wait a minute. Is that it? Are you jealous?
Joe laughs and snorts.
Joe: Jealous? Oh, don’t be silly.
Helen: You are.
Joe: Of course, I’m not jealous. I’m just worried about you, that’s all.
Helen: Really? That’s all?
Joe: Yeah. You sound disappointed. Did you want me to be jealous?
Helen: Well, now, you’re just being silly, of course not.
Helen: Now, you sound disappointed that I’m not disappointed.
Joe: Well, I’m not. So, if neither of us are disappointed then we must be fine.
Helen: Well, I’m fine. You?
Joe: Me, too.
Helen: All right.
Helen shakes Joe’s hand. Helen turns towards the door, but Joe hasn’t let go of her hand.
Joe: You know, Helen, sometimes it’s ok for friends to give each other a hug.
Helen: Sure, Joe.
Helen hugs Joe. Helen lets go, but Joe continues to embrace her. Fay’s invention emerges from behind the wall.
Joe: God, you’re hugging me and calling out his name.
Helen: No, we have company.
Helen pulls up the blinds.
Helen: Brian Hackett!
Brian: Oh! Pay no attention to the guy behind the blinds. Uh, I-I’m the great and—and powerful oz.
Brian looks at his teeth using Fay’s invention.
Helen: Get in here!
Joe: What the hell are you doing?
Brian makes his way to Joe’s office.
Brian: Just making sure Helen is ok.
Joe: Well, she doesn’t have to worry about me.
Brian: Oh, well, I thought you might be in here boring her to death.
Brian and Joe slap each othe’rs hands.
Helen: Hey, hey, guys, would you cut it out?
Helen comes between them.
Helen: Now, I’m real flattered everybody’s so worried about me. But if we’re gonna be the three musketeers we have to get a few things straight.
Brian: Oh, good idea, because I—
Helen: Shut up.
Helen: Now, for some reason that escapes me at this moment, you two are my closest friends. That’s friends, ok? Could we be more than that? We’ll never know. Because as I’m sure you both remember, I don’t date pilots.
Joe: Yeah, you know, about that—
Helen: Shut up! Now, the whole idea is for us to start having fun again and for that to happen, we have to trust each other and promise that if two of the musketeers are alone, the remaining one won’t make an ass of himself. Agreed?
Brian and Joe: Agreed.
Helen: Now, tuck in your shirts, wipe off your noses and get back to work.
Joe and Brian watch her walk away.
Brian: Mmm. You ever notice that one of the musketeers has a really world-class set of legs.
Joe: God, yes.
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “All For One And Two for Helen” episode was written by Dave Hackel. Wings is owned by CBS Studios Inc., Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
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