Janet enters the kitchen.
Cindy: Good morning, Janet!
Cindy: Isn’t it a beautiful day?
Janet: I’ll let you know just as soon as I get my eyes open. Coffee.
Cindy pours a small amount of coffee into Janet’s mug. Janet gulps all her coffee in no time.
Janet: Where’s the rest?
Cindy: That’s all for today. Too much coffee is bad for your nerves.
Janet: Whatever you say. Fill it.
Cindy: Janet, too much coffee in the morning makes a person cranky, irritable, and nasty.
Janet: Cindy, give me the coffee!
Cindy: See, all you had was one sip and you’re irritable already.
Janet looks as though she is about to cry.
Jack: Good morning, ladies, how are we doing?
Janet: Oh swell.
Jack: Any coffee left?
Cindy: Uh-huh, hold your cup out.
Jack: Maybe I’d better pour it myself.
Cindy: Oh, I’ll be careful.
Jack: Uh, okay, go ahead, gently.
Cindy: All right.
Jack: Good. Any rolls left?
Cindy: Right there on the –
Cindy points to where the rolls are and spills coffee all over Jack.
Cindy: Oh Jack! I’m so sorry. Did I get any on your pants?
Jack: No, it all went into my shoe.
Cindy: Well, at least your foot won’t fall asleep at your job interview today.
Jack: I’m not even sure I’m going.
Janet: What is that supposed to mean, you’re not even sure that you’re going?
Jack: Well Janet, you know all these interviews are the same. I walk in there and hand Mr. Angelino my resume, he’ll ask me what experience I had. So, I’ll tell him about all the hamburger joints and coffee shops I’ve worked in and he’ll toss my resume on a stack of about 50 others and say “Thank you. We’ll let you know.”
Cindy: Jack, do you know what your problem is?
Jack: Yeah, I can’t get a job because I have no experience and I have no experience, because I can’t get a job.
Cindy: Your problem is that you’re full of self-pity.
Jack: I am not full of self-pity. I just feel sorry for myself.
Jack begins to cry.
Janet and Cindy: Aw, Jack…
Janet: Where’s that darling little guy we all adore?
Jack: Larry? He’s away this weekend.
Janet: Come on, where’s that cute little smile that brightens up the room?
Jack: Cut it out, Janet.
Janet: Ah, there it is!
Janet forces a smile on Jack’s face.
Cindy: And don’t forget those twinkling blue eyes.
Jack: My eyes don’t twinkle. Do they, a little?
Janet: What do you think turns all the girls on?
Jack: Oh, come on, it doesn’t turn all the girls – most a lot of them some.
Jack and Cindy rub noses.
Janet: There it is. There’s that lovable personality that can get you anything you want.
Cindy: Including that job at Angelino’s.
Janet: That’s right, so you just hustle on down there and you knock ‘em dead.
Jack: Well, maybe it’s worth a try.
Cindy: That’s our guy!
Jack: Janet, did you really mean what you said about I could get anything I wanted?
Janet: Anything but that.
Jack lunges at Janet, but she docks. Janet pushes him out of the kitchen.
Janet: Good luck! Bye.
Jack arrives at Angelino’s.
Angelino: What do you mean, he’s too busy to talk? You tell Sam it’s Angelino and he better pick up the phone! Hey, Sam, now listen. When I order aged beef, I want aged beef. Right?
Angelino: No, I don’t have to see their birth certificates. All I need is a good piece of meat. That’s not asking too much. Right?
Angelino hangs up the phone.
Angelino: Who the hell are you?
Jack: Mr. Angelino, I came to apply for the job of chef.
Angelino: Just put your resume on the desk with the others. I’ll be right back.
Jack: “Put your resume on the desk with the others.”
Jack sneaks a peek at the other resumes when the phone starts to ring. He accidentally knocks down the other resumes. Jack quickly picks them up and adds his resume.
Jack: Um, teleph—
Phone starts to ring.
Jack: Mr. Angelino? Is anybody --
Jack answers the phone.
Jack: Hello? Uh, no, Mr. Angelino just stepped out. Sure, sure. I’ll get a pencil. Go ahead, I’ll remember it. Your name is David Miller and you’re going out of town. So, you can’t make your appointment, sure. I won’t forget Mr. Um… Miller! David Miller. Okay, I’ll tell him. Okay, bye-bye. David Miller, David Miller, going out of town, can’t make the appointment, David Mil—
Angelino: All right…Let’s get this over with. Name?
Jack: David Miller. I mean –
Angelino: David Miller? Oh, why didn’t you say so?
Angelino stands up.
Jack: It is an honor to meet a chef with your reputation.
Angelino bows at Jack. Jack imitates Angelino.
Angelino: Wait till people hear that I have THE David Miller cooking in my restaurant.
Jack: You don’t understand –
Angelino: No, I know, I know, I know you don’t come cheap. But money is no object.
Jack: Mr. Angelin—it isn’t? No, no, wait a minute –
Angelino: Please, Miller, I need you! Here look, look at these resumes. Amateurs, students, nobodies! Here, look at this one. Jack Tripper, college boy, no experience. I wouldn’t let him wash my dishes. Jack Tripper!
Jack: Now, just a minute—
Angelino: I don’t need a tripper tripping over my kitchen. I need someone with experience. Can you start Monday night?
Jack: Monday night/
Angelino: Oh, what a team we’ll be. “Angelino and David Miller!” How does that sound? Well…all right, all right. “David Miller and Angelino.” What do you say?
Jack: Call me Dave.
Back at the apartment, Cindy reads a newspaper when the phone starts to ring.
Janet: I’ll get it! Maybe it’s Jack!
Janet runs from the kitchen to answer the phone.
Cindy: I hope he got the job!
Janet: Yeah! Hello? What? Oh no, I’m sorry, you have the wrong number. No, nobody by that name lives here.
Janet: Hey believe me. Nobody by the name of David Miller lives here.
Jack: Hold it, hold it! Hello? Oh, hi, Mr. Angelino I can explain. That was um, that was my new housekeeper. She doesn’t speak English very well. Asta la vista, Carmelita.
Jack imitates a woman’s high-pitched voice.
Jack: See you manana, senor!
Jack resumes his phone conversation.
Jack: Tomorrow night instead of Monday night? That’s fine with me. Listen, I’m looking forward to it, too. Bye-bye Mr. Angelino.
Jack hangs up and starts dancing.
Jack: Mmm, chh-chh, mm, chh-chh…
Janet: Hey, smarty pants.
Janet: Who was that?
Jack: That was my new boss.
Cindy: You got the job!
Janet: Jack, that’s wonderful! Wait a minute, who’s this David Miller?
Jack: I am.
Jack: Not really, but Mr. Angelino thinks I am and when I tried to explain to him that I wasn’t he wouldn’t listen because he was too busy telling me why he would never hire anyone like me in the first place and that made me so mad that when he offered me the job I accepted it. And that’s why I’m David Miller.
Janet: What did you say?
Jack: I don’t remember.
Janet: Jack, how could you possible say you were David Miller?
Jack: I didn’t say it, he did.
Cindy: What about the real David Miller?
Jack: See, he’s out of town, and by the time he gets back, Mr. Angelino will know what a good cook I am and he’ll be so impressed with my work that he’ll have to let me keep my job.
Janet: Jack, this doesn’t sound like you.
Jack: I’m not me, I’m David Miller.
Janet: Hey, Jack…
Jack: Janet, listen, listen, listen. Just go along with me for a few weeks, okay? I’m not gonna be Jack Tripper. Can you handle that?
Jack: Can you handle that?
Cindy: I guess so, Jack.
Jack: No, no, I’m David Miller.
Janet: Hello? Yes. No. No, I’m sorry. Bye.
Jack: Who was that?
Janet: Somebody named Judy Simms.
Jack: Judy Simms? Janet, I’ve been trying to get a date with he for weeks.
Janet: She had the wrong number. She was asking for some guy named Jack Tripper.
Janet gives Jack a pat on the back.
Janet: Sorry Dave…
The next day, Janet is reading the newspaper when Jack enters the kitchen.
Jack: This is the big day.
Janet: Oh, really? And who are you gonna be today?
Jack: Cut it out, Janet.
Janet: Okay, Dave.
Jack: Oh look, it’s no big deal. Who’s gonna know.
Janet: Anybody who reads the newspaper, that’s who.
Janet hands Jack the newspaper.
Jack: So what? It’s an ad for Angelino’s restaurant.
Janet: Yeah, why don’t you look down at the bottom?
Jack: “Angelino’s proudly presents the cooking wizardry of David Miller”?
Janet: Mm-hmm. Now what do you say?
Jack: Oh come on. Nobody reads the small print in those ads anyway.
A gruff man is talking at the phone.
Gangster: That’s right, lefty. We’re gonna collect from that deadbeat Miller after
all. No, I wouldn’t think of hurting him. I’ll hurt him without thinking.
At the police station, two officers are chatting about the Angelino ad on the newspaper.
Policeman #1: Look at this.
Policeman #2: What do you know? The rat’s come out of his hole.
Man in his robe talks to his bird Hortense.
Man in robe: Angelino’s restaurant. How do you like that, Hortense? He’s going to be at Angelino’s restaurant.
Man in robe: That’s right, no one runs off with my wife and gets away with it. I’ll kill him!
Jack is sitting in the living room reading the paper.
Janet: Hey, what are you doing, Jack? You’re starting your new job tonight, shouldn’t you be reading recipes instead of the paper?
Jack: Janet…does Marlon Brando read about acting?
Janet: Excuse me?
Jack: Does Jack Nicklaus read golf manuals? Does Billy Graham read the bible? Well now, that’s a bad example, but you know what I mean.
Janet: I’m sorry, I was just trying to help.
Jack: Janet, I am a P-R-O-FESSIONAL, you understand?
Phone starts to ring. Jack gets off the couch to answer it.
Jack: I don’t need to read recipes. I got it up all here. Hello?
Jack: David who? What? Oh! Yes! I’m him, I’m he. David Miller speaking. Hi! Funny thing you calling now Mr. Angelino, I was just brushing up on my recipes.
Janet throws a pillow at Jack.
Jack: How – oof! What? Who—
Jack whispers the news he got to Janet.
Jack: Jason Devereaux, the food critic? He’s coming to the restaurant tonight. He’s requested my specialty!
Jack resumes his phone conversation with Angelino.
Jack: What specialty? Oh, that specialty! No prob, Mr. Angelino. No, I can do that one with my eyes closed. Okay. Okay, see you soon. Uh-huh, bye-bye.
Jack hangs up and runs to his bedroom.
Janet: Jack, where are you going?
Jack retrieves a book in his room.
Janet: What are you doing?
Jack: Poulet, poulet … “Poulet poche aux aromates au natural.”
Janet grabs the cookbook from Jack.
Jack: What are you doing?
Janet: You don’t need this.
Jack: Gimme that.
Janet: Remember, you don’t need this.
Jack: Janet, gimme that!
Janet runs with the cookbook, but Jack grabs her and she tumbles onto the sofa.
Jack: Come here!
Janet crawls away and starts laughing, but Jack continues to pull her.
Cindy arrives at the apartment as Jack sits on top of Janet who is lying face down on the couch.
Jack: Don’t be such a tease Janet! I want it!
Cindy’s eyes grow wide.
Janet: You can’t have it!
Jack: Janet, I just want to look at it for a minute.
Cindy’s jaw drops. She clenches her fists and gasps.
Jack: Hi, Cindy, come here. She won’t give me my cookbook.
Janet: Get up! Get up!
Jack slaps Janet’s butt.
Jack raises his left leg so Janet could stand up.
Janet: Don’t you hit me.
Janet gets off the couch.
Janet: Here, take it, you big baby.
Janet hands Jack the cookbook.
Jack: I don’t have time to read it now.
Jack tears a page off his cookbook.
Jack: I’ll take it with me.
Cindy: Oh, Jack, guess who’s going to be at Angelino’s tonight?
Cindy: No, me. My boss asked me to entertain an out-of-town client tonight and we’re going to Angelino’s!
Jack: Oh that’s great Cindy, but remember, I’m David Miller, so if you see me don’t give me away.
Cindy: Jack, you won’t even know I’m there.
Jack: Good, bec—
Jack’s keys fall on the floor. Jack bends down to get it.
Cindy: Oh, I’ll get it –
Jack and Cindy’s head bump each other.
Jack & Cindy: Ow!
Jack: Believe me, I’ll know you’re there.
Later that night, Janet answers the incessant knocking on the door.
Janet: I’m coming, hold your horses! Who is it?
Mr. Furley: Open up! It’s me R.F.!
As soon as Janet opens the door, a panic-stricken Mr. Furley runs inside.
Mr. Furley: Quick, lock the door!
Janet: Mr. Furley!
Mr. Furley: I was almost rubbed out! A gangster just left my apartment! Help me push this couch against the door!
Mr. Furley tries very hard to push the couch, but it won’t budge. He takes the cushion instead and puts it by the door.
Janet: Mr. Furley, calm down!
Mr. Furley: I am calm!
Janet: How do you know this guy was a gangster?
Mr. Furley: He told me! He wanted information, but I didn’t crack. I didn’t tell him anything.
Janet: Good for you.
Mr. Furley: How could I? I didn’t know anything!
Janet: What did the guy want?
Mr. Furley: He was looking for some guy, he thought lived in this building. He wanted to give him a message.
Janet: What was the message?
Mr. Furley: “Rest in peace.” I hate to be in David Miller’s shoes right now.
Mr. Furley: David Miller! The man he was looking for!
Janet: Where did that guy go?
Mr. Furley: I don’t know. I think he was hungry. He said something about going to a restaurant.
Janet: Oh! Oh my God, Mr. Furley, we have to get down to Angelino’s restaurant right away!
Mr. Furley; Not me, I’m not budging from this spot!
Janet: What if that gangster comes back?
Mr. Furley: I won’t be here. I’ll be right with you!
Mr. Furley grips Janet’s hand. Janet and Mr. Furley run to the door.
Janet: My purse!
Mr. Furley sticks close to Janet that when they moved they look like Siamese twins.
Janet: Mr. Furley…Mr. Furley! Let go!
Janet gets her purse and they march towards the door. Mr. Furley turns the knob, but couldn’t open the door.
Mr. Furley: He’s locked us in!
Janet pushes Mr. Furley away from the door. She throws the cushion back to the couch and opens the door. Together they squeeze their way out of the doorway.
At Angelino’s kitchen, Jack sneaks a peek at a page he tore from his cookbook.
Jack: Oh, waiter?
Waiter: Yes, Mr. Miller?
Jack: A little green for the navy bean.
Jack puts a green leaf on the dish. The waiter looks at him with a mixture of puzzlement and annoyance.
Jack: That’s kitchen comedy. It’s just—carry on.
Jack checks his other dishes and takes another glance at his cheat sheet.
Jack: Let’s see…sprinkle with Taragon.
Jack hides the recipe inside the chicken.
Angelino: You are doing great!
Jack: I am?
Angelino: Yeah, Jason Devereaux told me he just loves your soup.
Jack: He does – well, of course I knew he would.
Angelino: Hey! What’s a piece of paper doing in this chicken?
Jack: Oh, that, uh, whoa, that, uh…That’s a special dish of mine. It’s Chinese, it’s called “fortune chicken.”
Angelino: I never met a great chef who wasn’t crazy.
Angelino pinches Jack’s cheeks. Jack puts the tray of chickens inside the oven.
Waiter: This salmon mousse, Mr. Miller.
Jack: One salmon coming right up stream.
Jack laughs at his own joke, but the waiter just looks at him. The line cook however, laughs with him. Jack takes a wooden spoon puts it under his armpit and checks on the line cook’s work.
Jack: How’s the salad coming, Felipe?
Felipe: Oho, very well! Gracias, Senor and may I say what a pleasure it is to work along side the great David Miller.
Jack: Oh well, thank you Felipe.
Felipe: No, thank you, senor.
Jack turns his back to check his other dishes.
Felipe starts talking to himself through gritted teeth.
Felipe: Six years I work in this kitchen, I start out a dishwasher, but I watch, I learn, I slave waiting for the chance to become a chef and along comes this gringo and steals my job!
Jack overhears Felipe and looks at him, but Felipe pretends to smile and laugh.
Jack: Felipe, is there something the matter?
Felipe: Hey, everything is wonderful! Your greatness yes!
As soon as Jack returns to his dish, Felipe starts sharpening the cleavers .
Felipe: It’s all right. I am a patient man. I wait my chance. After all, he cannot live forever.
Felipe strikes a cabbage with the cleaver.
Jack looks at Felipe, but Felipe only chuckles.
Jack starts to appear very scared of the line cook as he continues to hack the cabbage with the cleaver.
Jack moves away from Felipe when a man enters the kitchen.
Man: You David Miller?
Jack: Yes sir, that’s me.
Gangster: Lefty don’t like no chumps that don’t pay off their gambling debts.
Jack: Lefty, gam—I think you’ve got the wrong guy.
Gangster: Just cough up the $200.
Jack: $200, I don’t have $200.
Gansgster: Oh now, that is a shame. Why don’t we sit down…
The gangster roughly carries Jack and drops him on top of an enclosed soup burner. Jack’s head hits the hanging pots during this manhandling.
Gangster: And talk about this?
Jack’s behind begins to smoke.
Jack: It is a little damp.
Gangster: Why don’t we try the stove?
Jack: No, this is fine. I like it here.
The gangster grabs Jack by the chest.
Jack: This is nice.
Gangster: I really hate to do this. Don’t look.
Jack: Do what? What are you…
Gangster: It’ll be a surprise.
The gangster pulls down Jack’s chef’s hat.
The man prepares to punch Jack when Angelino arrives at the kitchen.
Angelino: Hey, what’s going on here?
Gangster: Your chef likes to play the ponies, but he don’t like to pay the price.
Jack: Mr. Angleino, don’t listen to him.
The gangster tries to punch Jack, but Angelino stops him.
Jack: Listen to him, listen to him!
Angelino: How much does he owe you?
Angelino: 200, huh?All right, here you go. Now, get out of here.
Gangster: It’s a pleasure doing business with you.
The gangster pinches Jack’s cheek.
Gangster: Hey, have a nice day!
Jack: Whew, Mr. Angelino, I really appreciate that. Thanks a lot.
Angelino: Crazy chefs. Oh! I forgot to tell you. One of our customers would like to meet you.
Jack: Oh, I’ve got a lot to do.
Angelino: It’s good public relations.
Jack: I’m very busy.
Angelino: She’s very attractive.
Jack: Send her in.
Angelino gets the girl, while Jack tidies up the kitchen.
A beautiful woman approaches Jack.
Woman: Are you David Miller?
Jack: The one and only.
Woman: I’ve been looking forward to this moment.
Woman attacks Jack with a karate punch.
Jack falls on the floor on his hands and knees.
Woman: That’s for my kid sister.
Jack: What did she order?
The woman grabs Jack’s collar.
Woman: Don’t you play dumb with me.
Jack: What are you talk –
The woman throws Jack over her head.
Jack: Who’s your sister?
Woman: You mean, you don’t even remember her name?
The woman grabs Jack again.
Jack: Wait! Wait!
The woman throws him across the kitchen as Felipe happily watch and cheer.
Woman: And don’t ever go near my sister again.
Jack: You can count on it. We’re through.
The woman leaves. Felipe giggles.
Jack: Why didn’t you help?!
Felipe: She didn’t need no help.
Angelino enters the kitchen.
Angelino: A party of eight just came in, all ordering steaks. Felipe, give me a hand in the freezer.
Felipe: Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Mr. Furley and Janet sneak inside the kitchen through the backdoor.
Janet: Furely…Jack, you’ve gotta get out of here. There’s a gangster looking for you.
Jack: She already found me.
Janet: No please, Jack, I’m serious. Your life is in danger.
Mr. Furley: Aah! It’s cold in here!
Mr. Furley closes the freezer door.
Mr. Furley: Janet’s right – that guy was a real tough hombre.
Jack: And he was looking for me?
Janet: No, but he was looking for David Miller.
Jack: That’s close enough. Let’s get out of here. No job is worth this.
Jack takes off his chef’s hat. An angry husband enters the kitchen as Jack, Janet and Mr. Furley prepare to leave.
Husband: You! You David Miller?
Jack: No, no…
Janet: No, David Miller went out for a bite.
Husband: Oh, well, I’ll wait for him. I’m gonna kill him. I’ll kill him!
The food critic Jason Devereaux enters the kitchen.
Jason: There you are!
Jack: No, I’m not.
Jason: I’m Jason Devereaux.
Jack: The food critic?
Jason: Right. I just want to congratulate you on a wonderful salmon mousse!
Jack: Well, thank you!
Jason: It’s even better than your poulet poche.
Jack: You think so?
Janet: Let’s go!
Jack: Janet, I’m busy. Go on.
Jason: In fact, I’m gonna give you a fantastic review.
Jack: Just make sure you spell my name right.
Jason: How could I misspell “Miller”!
Jason laughs then leaves.
Husband: You are him!
Jack: Wait! Wait! Wait!
Jack runs behind Janet and she runs behind Mr. Furley.
Husband: You lied to me!
Mr. Furley: Just a minute! This man is a friend of mine, and –
Husband: And what?!
Mr. Furley: And, I got a lot of friends.
Mr. Furley runs behind Jack. Jack tries to stop the husband from attacking him when the police arrive.
Police: Back off, back off! Freeze, Miller!
The police grab Jack.
Janet: Stop it! Stop it! This is not David Miller, officers! I can tell you that, because I’m his roommate.
Cindy enters the kitchen.
Cindy: Hi everybody! I’d like to give my compliments to the chef.
Cindy winks at Jack.
Police: Who’s she?
Mr. Furley: His other roommate?
Husband: You’re living with two girls? That proves that you’re Miller!
Jack: Cindy, will you tell these people who I am?
Cindy: Sure! He’s David Miller!
The police puts Jack’s hands behind his back.
Jack: I don’t believe this. I can’t believe this.
The waiter points Mrs. Miller to Jack.
Waiter: There’s your husband, Mrs. Miller.
Mrs. Miller: He’s not Daivd Miller. I wouldn’t marry a jerk like that.
Jack: Oh, bless you.
Mrs. Miller: How dare you impersonate such a wonderful person?
Mrs. Miller hits Jack’s head with her purse.
Police: Well, it looks like we made a mistake. Sorry, pal.
One of the officers slaps Jack’s back.
Husband: I think I’ll go home and feed my wife’s bird…to my cat.
Cindy: Ech! You know, we haven’t been served yet. How do you get a waiter around here?
Cindy leaves the kitchen and hits the waiter with the swinging kitchen door on her way out. The waiter screams and the dishes fall on the floor.
Cindy: That’s one way.
There’s a banging on a door.
Mr. Furley: What’s that?
Janet: I don’t know, but it sounds like it’s coming from in there.
Jack: Oh the freezer! Oh no!
The frozen Angelino and Felipe walk out of the freezer shivering.
Jack: Mr. Angelino!
Felipe: B-B-Bueno! Now, I get my cha-ch-chance!
Angelino: Forget it!
Jack: Is it too late to ask for a second chance?
Janet: Really, Mr. Angelino, it wasn’t his fault.
Angelino: No, no, no, I’ve had it with crazy chefs. They’re not worth it. I’m gonna hire me some kid out of a cooking school.
Jack: You’re gonna? You’re gonna what?
Angelino grabs one of the resumes on his desk.
Angelino: Yeah, here’s one. Tripper, Jack Tripper. I’ll hire him!
Angelino leaves and Jack starts to cry.
Back at the apartment, the four sit and drink coffee.
Jack: Well, at least it proved that I’m good enough to work in a top-rated restaurant.
Cindy: But you could have been killed.
Janet: Yeah, that was a stupid idea, using somebody else’s name.
Mr. Furley: Oh, I don’t know. A lot of great men have done that.
Janet: Uh really, like who/
Mr. Furley: Like me. I remember one time many years ago. I was talking to this chick and somehow I just happened to tell her I was Errol Flynn. Hehehe!
Cindy: And she believed you?
Mr. Furley: Sure, I had a mustache then.
Jack: You’re putting us on.
Mr. Furley: No, no, I’m not. She fell for it hook, line, and sinker. I was doing great. She was practically panting, but then I went too fast, too far, too soon, I said a little something just a little too risqué.
Janet: And what happened?
Mr. Furley: She hung up on me.
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “The Not-So-Great Imposter” episode was written by Michael S. Baser and Kim Wekskopf. Three’s Company is a registered Service Mark of Three’s Company (California Joint Venture of The NRW Company and T.T.C. Productions, Inc.)
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