Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Make Room for Daddy – Three’s Company Transcript 5.11

Mr. Gainer grabs JanetJanet is ironing at the living room.

Jack: Hey, Janet, is my shirt pressed yet?
Janet: Oh, sorry, Jack, I haven’t had a chance to get to it.
Jack: Oh well, It’ll probably get wrinkled at the wrestling match anyway.
Janet: What wrestling match? I thought you and Cheryl had a date here tonight.
Jack: That wrestling match.   Continue reading...

Jack jokingly punches Janet’s arm and laughs. He then sees Janet’s see-through nightgown.

Jack: Cowabunga!
Janet: Say, could you put that on a hanger for me?
Jack: No wonder you got a chest cold last week.
Janet: Jack!
Jack: Whoo! You can see right through this thing!

Doorbell rings.

Janet: It’s open!

Jack is still holding Janet’s nightgown when Mr. Furley enters the room.

Mr. Furley: Hi, kids!
Jack: Oh, hi, Mr. Furley.

Mr. Furley takes a good look at Jack and the nightgown.

Mr. Furley: Entertaining tonight?
Jack: No uh, see, Mr. Furley,this isn’t mine, it belongs to Janet.
Mr. Furley: Oh, and she let’s you wear it?

Jack hisses and smacks Mr. Furley with the nightgown like a girl and walks away pretending to be upset.

Janet: What can we do for you Mr. Furley?
Mr. Furley: Oh, they delivered this magazine to my apartment by mistake.

Mr. Furley hands the magazine to Janet.

Janet: Oh.
Mr. Furley: Some kind of free, introductory offer.
Janet: Oh thanks! Oh, no, listen to this.

Jack comes out of the bedroom.

Janet: “Psychic predicts undersea plant life is the cure for male potency problems.”
Mr. Furley: Yeah, can you believe the things they’ll print to sell magazines these days? I just can’t get over how gullible some people are. Can you imagine, seaweed, the answer to male potency problems?

Cindy enters the apartment.

Cindy: Hi, everybody!
Janet: Hi!
Cindy: Oh, Mr. Furley, I brought those seaweed pills you asked for.
Mr. Furley: Seaweed pills? I didn’t ask for any seaweed pills.
Cindy: Sure you did, this morning.
Mr. Furley: I said hay fever pills! Hay fever pills! I get strong hay fever. In fact, I feel an attack coming on right now!

Mr. Furley starts sneezing loudly and continues to do so as he walks out the door.

Cindy: What’s the matter with him?
Jack: I don’t know, why don’t you go find out and go after him too, Janet. I think—
Janet: Oh, Jack stop it. We know, Cheryl is coming over. We can take a hint.
Jack: Oh okay. Thank you.

Cindy puts the bottle of seaweed pills on the coffee table.

Jack: Cindy, could you help me move this ironing board?
Cindy: Oh, don’t bother. I can do it myself.
Jack: Oh good.
Cindy: Would you just hold the iron?
Jack: Sure.
Cindy: Thanks.

Cindy hands the hot flatiron to Jack. Jack silently screams in pain, drops the flatiron, tries to pick it up, but hits his head on the ironing board instead.

Cindy: Jack, you were supposed to hold it by the handle.
Jack: Yeah, I know, I forgot.
Cindy: Well, I’ll just get this.

Jack crawls underneath the ironing board to get the flatiron when Cindy accidentally folds the board. Jack gets stuck between the board and its legs.

Jack: Cindy, we got a little bit of a problem here. Cindy…
Cindy: I’m sorry.
Jack: Just lift it up.
Cindy lifts the board, but Jack’s hand gets caught between the ironboard’s legs. Jack screams.

Jack: Let me get it, let me get it.

Jack puts his leg over one of the legs such that she’s now standing parallel to the board and its legs. Cindy pushes the legs and Jack becomes sandwiched between the legs and the board.

Jack: Whoo-ow! Get back! Back off, all right?

Cindy backs off and pulls the board. Jack walks away from her and almost falls on the floor. Cindy gets a hold of the board.

Jack: Get it away form me.
Cindy: Yeah, I’ll get it—I’ll take this right into the kitchen.

Jack jumps on the couch to get away from the ironing board.

Jack: It’s alive, isn’t it? All right, you got it? I got the iron right here. Got it, thanks.

Jack gets off the couch and Cindy picks up the flatiron. Cindy walks to the kitchen with the ironing board when she accidentally his Jack with it.
Janet comes out of the bedroom.

Janet: Anything left for me to do?
Jack: No, Cindy’s got it all. Thank you. Let’s see. Got the candles, the matches, table set…champagne—I forgot the champagne.
Janet: Be careful, jack! That’s a swinging door. Right, right. Cindy, I’m coming in the kitchen now to get a bottle of champagne.
Cindy: I got it!

Just when Jack walks to the kitchen door, Cindy walks out of the kitchen.

Cindy: I got it!

Jack grabs the champagne off Cindy’s hands.

Jack: I’m never gonna be ready for Cheryl tonight. By te time she gets here, it’ll be in the hospital!
Janet: Come on, Jack, don’t get upset.
Jack: Janet, I can’t help it. Last night, Cheryl and I composed a symphony and tonight…we’re gonna play it. And I don’t want anything to spoil my evening.

Doorbell rings.

Jack: That’s her! That’s her! I don’t know what I’m gonna do—
Janet: Cindy, let’s go. Jack, will you please just think positively? Nothing is going to spoil your evening with Cheryl.
Jack: Right, right. Think positive, nothing is going to spoil my evening with Cheryl. Nothing is going to spoil my evening with Cheryl.

Jack opens the door to find Cheryl’s dad, Andrew Gainer.

Mr. Gainer: Jack Tripper? I’m Andrew Gainer, Cheryl’s father.
Jack: Something just spoiled my evening.
Mr. Gainer: May I come in?
Jack: No—I mean, yeas—I mean, please—there’s no way I would not invite you in—yes, please.
Mr. Gainer: Thank you. Cheryl said she was coming over here
Jack: Only to pick me up and then we’re going right out, right out in the open.
Mr. Gainer: Well, that’s why I’m here, Cheryl—
Jack: Is a very special girl. Not like all the others, not that I know any others—I mean since I met Cheryl, I’m a one-woman kinda guy. No other woman exists.

Janet comes out of the bedroom with just her undergarment on.

Janet: I don’t know, but I can’t find my pantyhose!

The two men watch as Janet walks to the bathroom. Cheryl’s father looks at Jack.

Jack: Except my sister.

Cindy enters the living room.

Cindy: Hi! See ya later, Jack.

Cindy gives Jack a quick little kiss on the lips.

Jack: My—my cousin. Mr. Gainer, I don’t want to give you the wrong impression. This is a respectable apartment. Nothing goes on around here at all, nothing.

Larry comes running into the aparment.

Larry: Jack! Jack! I’ve done it! I’ve done it! The Ramsey twins are coming over!
Jack: Uh, I’m not interested.
Larry: But, you should be. Don’t you see? You can take your choice. It won’t make any difference.
Jack: Larry! I told you, I’m not interested.
Larry: Oh—oh—oh! Sure! Well, who can blame ya? You gotta be worn out from that lady you were with last night. Whoa! Talk about your hickey bait!
Jack: Larry, this is Mr. Gainer.
Larry: Who?
Jack: Cheryl’s father.
Larry: Cheryl?
Mr. Gainer: The “hickey bait”.
Larry: Wait a second, I’m in the wrong apartment. This isn’t 201. Where am I? Who are you?
Jack: Give up, all right? Sir, I have a confession to make. Those two girls are really my roommates, and—
Mr. Gainer: Jack, the only reason I stopped by was to drop off Cheryl’s driver’s license. She forgot it.
Jack: Then, you’re not interested in my living arrangement?
Mr. Gainer: I didn’t say that.
Larry: I’ll just let you two get to know each other a little better. I just dropped by to borrow some wine, excuse me.
Jack: Nice hearing from your mouth, Larry.
Mr. Gainer: Sit down, Jack.
Jack: Look, Mr. Gainer, I just—
Mr. Gainer: Jack.
Jack: Excuse me.

Jack sits on the couch like a little boy about to be punshed.

Mr. Gainer: I…Jack.

Mr. Gainer sits beside Jack. Jack squeals.

Mr. Gainer: You probably think sharing an apartment with two girls is healthy. You know, contemporary, without any hang-ups.
Jack: Well, uh—
Mr. Gainer: I agree with you.
Jack: I agree with you.
Mr. Gainer: You see, Jack, since my wife died some years ago, I’ve spent a lot of time with Cheryl and her friends and…I’ve come to understand and…envy the openness of your generation.
Jack: Well, thank you.
Mr. Gainer: As a matter of fact…if I were 20 years younger—
Jack: Now, hang on a second. You make it sound like you’re over the hill. You look great. How old are you? 50? 55?
Mr. Gainer: 46.
Jack: You don’t look a day over 42. I’m sure there are girls out there that’d be crazy about you.
Mr. Gainer: That’s nice of you to say so, but, I’m afraid time has passed me by. I wouldn’t fit and I wouldn’t know what to say.
Jack: It’s simple, all you need is a few tips.

Larry comes out of the kitchen with a bottle of wine.

Mr. Gainer: Tips? From who?
Jack: Well, naturally, from somebody who’s been around, you know? Somebody who knows about women.
Larry: Thanks for the build-up, Jack.

Larry grabs Jack and pushes him off the couch.

Larry: Excuse me. I believe this is my area. Mr. Gainer, all you’ve got to do is remember one thing. When it comes to today’s liberated woman, don’t play games. It’s insulting to their intelligence. Directness is the only way to go.
Mr. Gainer: You mean like telling them exactly what your feelings are?
Larry: No, like spilling wine on their dress. It’s not easy getting an intelligent woman out of her clothes.
Jack: What does O-U-T spell?
Larry: That’s out.
Jack: That’s you.
Larry: I was just leaving.
Jack: Goodbye.
Larry: A genius is never appreciated in his own time.
Jack: Please, don’t pay any attention to him, Mr. Gainer. You don’t have to rely on cheap shots. Today’s woman is frank, she’s free, she’s open.
Mr. Gainer: Yes, but how do you handle that?
Jack: Okay, first of all. At the beginning don’t come on strong. You want to relax. Let your hair down…

Jack becomes uneasy and scratches his neck after realizing that Mr. Gainer is bald.

Jack: Let me put that another way. You want to be laid back.
Mr. Gainer: Laid back?
Jack: Well, you know, sorta like…

Jack demonstrates by leaning on the sofa and stretching his arms on top of the couch.

Jack: Hey.
Mr. Gainer: Oh, you mean like…

Mr. Gainer imitates Jack, but is very stiff.

Mr. Gainer: Hey.
Jack: Look, maybe you just better take off your tie. That might be a s loose as you want to go.
Mr. Gainer: Oh, I see, okay, then what?
Jack: Well, talk to her, ask her about her job. Today’s woman is very intelligent.
Mr. Gainer: Wait, shouldn’t I compliment her on her appearance? I mean, we used to.
Jack: Mmm…You can if you want, it’s a little old-fashioned. What the hell, yeah. Tell her you like her hair, you like her eyes.
Mr. Gainer: Oh, I understand. I ask her about her job, then I’d compliment her on her appearance, anything else?
Jack: Invite her to dinner.
Mr. Gainer: Oh, right! Take her out to the finest restaurant in town.
Jack: Wrong. Take her to a dark, intimate little hideaway, like the Blue Grotto.
Mr. Gainer: The Blue Grotto?
Jack: Yeah, after being in a place like that, she’ll be in the right mood for what comes next.
Mr. Gainer: What, what—what comes next?

Jack gives Mr. Gainer a telling look.

Mr. Gainer: You’re kidding.
Jack: One other thing, even though her lips may say “stop”, her eyes will say “go”.

Janet comes out of the bathroom.

Janet: Okay, Jack, I’m gonna—oh.
Jack: Janet, I’d like you to meet Mr. Gainer, Cheryl’s father.
Janet: Oh, how do you do?
Jack: How do you do? How do you like your job?
Janet: My job? Jack must have told you that I—
Mr. Gainer: Ah, you have the loveliest eyes.
Janet: Thank you.
Mr. Gainer: It’s a little warm in here, isn’t it?

Mr. Gainer removes his tie and throws it to Jack.

Mr. Gainer: You know, the way you do your hair, I just love it.
Janet: Oh, well, thank you.

Jack stammers.

Jack: Hang on, hang on. There’s one—
Janet: Mr. Gainer, would you like to have a glass of wine?
Mr. Gainer: Anderw, and I would love it.
Jack: Sorry, we have no wine, all we’ve got is this bottle of Tijuana champagne here.
Mr. Gainer: Why don’t we go out for that drink?
Janet: I would like that.
Jack: I’d rather stay here.
Mr. Gainer: Good, we’d rather you stayed here too.
Janet: I’ll just go and get my purse.
Mr. Gainer: Okay.
Jack: Mr. Gainer, could I speak to you for just one second?
Mr. Gainer: Sure.
Jack: I had no idea you were gonna ask Janet out.
Mr. Gainer: Neither did I, but with your help, everything seems to be going so great. Thanks.
Jack: Wait—wait, I didn’t mean—
Mr. Gainer: Don’t worry, I can handle it myself from here on out. Janet, are you ready?
Janet: Yes. Have a wonderful evening, Jack. Where are we gonna go?
Mr. Gainer: I know just the spot for us. Ever heard of a place called the Blue Grotto?

Janet gestures no. Jack is shocked with what he just heard and accidentally pops the cork off the champagne.
Mr. Furley drops in.

Mr. Furley: Hi, Jack. I didn’t know Janet’s father was in town.
Jack: That wasn’t her father, that was her date!
Mr. Furley: But he—he’s my age.
Jack: And what’s more, he’s on the make!
Mr. Furley: What?! I can’t believe it! A middle-aged man like that, running around town, chasing girls trying to make out and…Hey, what’s wrong with that?
Jack: Mr. Furley!
Mr. Furley: What are we supposed to do? Sit in a rocking chair and take up knitting?
Jack: No, no, Mr. Furley—
Mr. Furley: Just because we’re a tad past the age of 21 doesn’t mean we’ve lost that old urge to merge!
Jack: Mr. Furley, what about Janet?
Mr. Furley: Oh, you think I could get lucky with her? Yeah, maybe a little candle light, wine and soft music—
Jack: Mr. Furley! We’re talking about our Janet and that old man!
Mr. Furley: Yeah, you better do something about him! Like what? Tell that over-the-hill Don Juan to buzz off! Be a man!
Jack: Oh I can’t.
Mr. Furley: Oh, that’s right, I keep forgetting. You can still tell him to buzz off.
Jack: I can’t! Janet would kill me.

Cheryl arrives at the apartment.

Jack: Cheryl!
Cheryl: Jack, did I just see my father leave with Janet?
Mr. Furley: Yes! And he should be ashamed of himself! He’s old enough to be YOUR father!

Mr. Furley walks out of the apartment.

Cheryl: My father and Janet?! On a date? That’s wonderful.
Jack: I knew you’d feel the same way as—what?!
Cheryl: Well, it’s the first time dad’s been out in years.
Jack: That’s why we can’t leave them alone!
Cheryl: What are you talking about?
Jack: When you’ve gone without water for a long time, you can get awfully thirsty.
Cheryl: Oh, Jack, I had no idea Janet was that desperate!
Jack: Are you kidding—not Janet, your father!

Cheryl laughs.

Cheryl: OH, the poor man’s been so lonely, he’s probably forgotten what to do with a woman.
Jack: Not anymore, I just reminded him.
Cheryl: We’re talking about two consenting adults.
Jack: No, we’re not. I never consented to anything.
Cheryl: Not you. Now, stop thinking about them and start thinking about us.
Jack: I’d better go after Janet.
Cheryl: No, you won’t. We’re not leaving here.

Cheryl starts kissing Jack.

Jack: Wait a minute, I just—look at this!

Jack sees the seaweed pills that’s on the coffee table.

Jack: She forgot to take her allergy pills!
Cheryl: Jack, is this a trick?
Jack: Does this look like a trick?

Jack hands Cheryl the bottle of pills.

Cheryl: 99% organic seaweed?
Jack: Right.

Jack takes the bottle from Cheryl.

Cheryl: What’s she allergic to, the ocean?
Jack: Yeah, that’s right, I gotta get these to her before high tide, come on, come on.

Jack and Cheryl leave the house.
Janet and Mr. Gainer are enjoying their evening at the Blue Grotto.
Jack and Cheryl arrives at the Blue Grotto.

Cheryl: My, it’s dark in here.
Jack: Yeah, you’re right. I can’t even see my hand in front of my face.
Cheryl: That’s not where your hand is.

Cheryl removes Jack’s hand from her behind.
A waiter approaches the two.

Waiter: Yes?
Jack: Oh, hi.
Waiter: Can I help you?
Jack: I’m looking for a couple, an older man with a young woman.
Waiter: That’s all we got here. Take your pick.
Jack: Let’s try over here.

Jack bumps into tray tables.

Janet: Jack, is that you?
Jack: Janet, hi.
Mr. Gainer: What are you two doing here?
Cheryl: Don’t worry, daddy, we’re not staying.
Mr. Gainer: Oh, what a disappointment.
Jack: Oh well, since you’re disappointed, we’ll stay.

Jack grabs a chair.

Janet: Jack!
Jack: Cheryl, you sit next to your father and I’ll sit next to my good friend, Jan—isn’t this cozy?
Janet: Jack, aren’t you forgetting why we’re here?
Mr. Gaines: Just why are you here?
Cheryl: Jack was concerned ‘cause Janet went out on a date without taking her pill.

Janet becomes embarrassed with Cheryl’s odd explanation.

Janet: My what?

Jack stammers.

Jack: Your seaweed pills. She’s always forgetting, we have to remind her, but, still she gets by with a little kelp from her friends.

Janet grabs the bottle of pills.

Jack: It’s—kelp, seaweed, song, sailors…
Mr. Gainer: Speaking of weeds, Jack, couldn’t you disappear and spring up someplace else?

Jack and Cheryl give out a healthy laugh.

Janet: Perhaps we should go somewhere else and get a bite to eat.
Jack: I’d love that—
Mr. Gainer: Not you, Jack, just Janet and me.
Jack: Hey, that’s fair. Why don’t we have just one last, little farewell drink?
Janet: Jack!
Jack: It’ll be real quick—waiter! Waiter! It’ll happen real quick.
Waiter: Yes? Yes?
Jack: What kind of wines do you have?
Waiter: Well, we’ve got—
Mr. Gainer: We’ll each have a glass of white wine.
Waiter: Four white wines.
Jack: Waiter, with a little club soda.
Waiter: Four white wine spritzers.
Jack: Yeah, waiter. I’m sorry, you busy? One moment. A splash of grenadine in each one.
Waiter: Grenadine?
Jack: Yeah, and throw in an ounce of rum. That’s my own drink, I call it “The Tripper Spritzer”.
Mr. Gainer: I’d hate to tell you what I call it.
Waiter: I’m with you, buddy.
Janet: Would you excuse us for just a moment? Jack, may I speak to you?

Janet grabs Jack by the collar.

Jack: Uh, yeah.
Janet: All right, what are you trying to pull?
Jack: I’m trying to warn you about Cheryl’s father.
Janet: Ah-ah! Don’t you dare say another word, Jack. Andrew is one of the most considerate men I’ve ever been out with.
Jack: Janet, I’m shocked at how easily you’re fooled. The man is only after one thing!
Janet: Ah! Look at the pot calling the kettle black.
Jack: It’s not your kettle he’s after.
Janet: And just how do you know?
Jack: Listen, any guy who would ask you about your job, compliment your hair and take off his tie on the first date is only after one thing.
Janet: What?!
Jack: That’s right! Now, I’ll make an excuse and meet you at the door, move.
Janet: Jack!

Janet grabs Jack by the neck.

Janet: Now, listen to me.
Jack: Janet, I can’t breathe.
Janet: That is the idea. Jack, what happens when I go on a date is up to me, not you, right?
Jack: Mm-hmm.
Janet: And you are never gonna interfere again, right?
Jack: No, I’m not.
Janet: You absolutely promise?
Jack: Soul promise.
Janet: Okay, you can breathe now.
Mr. Gainer: I paid the check, why don’t we get out of here?
Jack: Good idea.
Janet: Jack! You are not thinking of following us, are you?
Jack: No, no, no.
Janet: Good. You just saved your life.

Mr. Gainer hands Janet her purse.

Janet: Thank you.

Jack returns to the table.

Jack: Well, I guess Janet can take care of herself. I—I was worried about her.
Cheryl: I know.
Jack: But now, it’s just you and me.
Cheryl: Yeah, and you know what we’re gonna do?

Jack leans close to Cheryl with his lips pouting.

Jack: What?
Cheryl: Nothing. Goodbye.

Cheryl leaves Jack and the waiter brings the drinks they ordered earlier.

Jack: Uh, nothing for me. Thanks.

The waiter looks at Jack with contempt. Jack takes a glass.
Mr. Gainer and Janet return to the apartment.

Janet: Well, here we are.
Mr. Gainer: Yes, we certainly are.
Janet: Aren’t you coming in?
Mr. Gainer: Well, if you really want me to.
Janet: Well, why wouldn’t I? I’m having a lovely evening.
Mr. Gainer: You are?
Janet: Yes!
Mr. Gainer: Oh, then, don’t we—we, um…
Janet: Why don’t we what?
Mr. Gainer: We…say good night.

Mr. Gainer makes his way to the door.

Janet: Andrew, no! Come on.
Mr. Gainer: Come and sit down for a while.
Janet: What do you mean, “go”, it’s very early yet. Sit.
Mr. Gainer: Well, thank you.
Janet: Now, tell me what’s wrong.
Mr. Gainer: Well, I—
Janet: I know, you’re nervous, aren’t you?
Mr. Gainer: Is it that obvious?
Janet: Why shouldn’t you be? You haven’t had a date in a very long time. So, why don’t you just relax and do whatever comes naturally and everything will be just fine.
Mr. Gainer: You really mean that?
Janet: Yes, of course I do.
Mr. Gainer: Well, I’m so glad you feel that way. Makes it a lot easier.

Mr. Gainer attacks Janet and starts kissing her neck.
Janet screams.

Janet: Andrew!

Janet gets out of Mr. Gainer’s grasp and walks away from the couch.

Janet: Stop it!
Mr. Gainer: Your lips may say “stop”, but your eyes say “go”.
Janet: No, they don’t! No, they don’t!

Mr. Gainer grabs Janet.

Mr. Gainer: Yes—
Janet: No! Andrew!

Janet pushes Mr. Gainer on to the couch.
Cindy arrives at the apartment.

Cindy: Hi! Oh, you’re not finished with your date yet. I’ll come back.
Janet: No! No! Don’t go.
Mr. Gainer: That’s right, Cindy. I’m the one who’s going. Do you realize, I’m a middle-aged man, vice-president of a bank with a grown daughter and here I am acting like a complete nerf.
Cindy: That’s nerd.
Mr. Gainer: Thank you.
Janet: Wait.

Janet grabs Mr. Gainer’s arm.

Janet: Why did you do that? Why did you suddenly—
Mr. Gainer: Well, because these days, I thought that’s what I was supposed to do on a date. I was wrong. I’m sorry I ruined your evening.
Janet: No, you didn’t ruin my—look, you can’t go yet, there’s still some champagne left and we can’t let it go to waste. Everybody, sit down and let’s have a drink.
Mr. Gainer: Are you sure you want me to?
Janet: Yes, I am absolutely sure!
Mr. Gainer: Thank you.
Janet: I hope you don’t mind, it looks a little bit flat. Here, Cindy, that’s for Andrew.
Cindy: Great.
Janet: Be careful, Cindy.
Cindy: What?

Cindy spills champagne on Mr. Gainer’s lap.

Mr. Gainer: Ah!
Cindy: Oh, I’m sorry! How can I make it up to you?
Janet: Take your pants off.
Cindy: Janet!
Janet: Oh, we have to get the stain out before it sets.
Cindy: Oh.
Janet: Andrew, you can change in my bedroom, it’s right in here.
Mr. Gainer: All right. Yeah.
Janet: There you go. I’m sorry.
Cindy: Oh, it got all over the couch too!
Janet: Well, go in the kitchen and get the dish pan and put some cold water in it. And see if we have a clean sponge.
Cindy: Okay.
Mr. Gainer: Janet?
Janet: Yes?
Mr. Gainer: Here they are.

Mr. Gainer hands Janet his pants.

Janet: Oh, thank you.
Mr. Gainer: This isn’t exactly the way I had it planned.
Janet: I know. Uh, look. You can wear one of Jack’s robes. There’s a clean one in that laundry basket on my bed.
Mr. Gainer: Oh, thank you.
Janet: Uh-huh.

Janet goes to the kitchen when Jack arrives. Jack knocks on the girl’s bedroom.

Jack: Janet! Come on, Janet, open up. I want to apol—

Mr. Gainer walks out of the girl’s bedroom wearing Jack’s robe. Jack looks at him in disgust.

Mr. Gainer: Well, hello again.
Jack: You didn’t…
Mr. Gainer: Well, you see Jack—
Jack: You did! Oh, my God! And you couldn’t even wait to take off your shoes!
Mr. Gainer: Jack, you don’t understand. You see, Janet—
Jack: Is probably in there crying her eyes out right now. What have I done? Look, I don’t blame you. And I don’t blame Janet, I blame myself. What have I done?

Janet comes out of the kitchen.

Jack: If only I hadn’t told you how easy it was to score with women today. How gullible they are, how easily they’re fooled by the simplest come-ons.

Janet sits beside Jack without him noticing her.

Jack: Poor, little, hopeless, empty-headed

Jack looks at Janet without realizing whom he saw.

Jack: Janet.

Jack realizes that Janet is sitting beside him.

Janet: Don’t stop, Jack, I’m learning a lot from what you’re saying.

Jack stammers.

Jack: No, see, I was just—I—I—I—
Janet: Cindy is getting the champagne stain out of your pants.
Mr. Gainer: Oh, thank you.
Jack: Cham—champagne. Oh well, that’s why—I knew – I thought—I figured—
Janet: Now, let me see if I got this straight.

Janet grabs Jack’s leg.

Jack: Ow!
Janet: Women are very gullible.
Jack: Well, no, see—
Janet: And we can be fooled by the easiest of come-ons.
Jack: You’re taking it out of context—
Janet: It’s very easy to score…with us empty-headed women.
Jack: Well, no, no, I—
Janet: Okay, buster, let me tell you something, Jack.
Jack: I think I gotta go help Cindy and she’s in the kitchen with the…

Jack remembers about the swinging kitchen door and stops feet away from it.

Jack: Whoa!

Cindy walks out of the kitchen without hitting Jack with the door.

Jack: Haha! Ah! A little sudsy water, there.

Jack takes the bowl of sudsy water from Cindy.

Jack: She missed me.
Janet: Oh, too bad.

Janet purposely pushes Jack’s hands and the bowl of sudsy water falls on him.
The next day, Jack comes out of the kitchen when the phone starts to ring.

Jack: Hello?
Chrissy: Oh Jack! The most wonderful thing happened to me yesterday. You’re just gonna die when you find out about it!
Jack: Well Chrissy, that’s great, what is it?
Chrissy: Oh, I can’t tell you.
Jack: Why—why not?
Chrissy: Because I just told you all about it in the letter I just sent you.
Jack: So?
Chrissy: So, you’ll be getting it in a day or so. If I tell ya now what happened to me yesterday, what’s the point of waiting ‘til tomorrow to find out what you already know today?

Jack banks the telephone handset on the console.

Chrissy: Hello! Jack, I think we have a bad connection.
Jack: You certainly do. Look, Chrissy, if it’s good news, why do I have to wait? You’ve got me on the phone.
Chrissy: Oh, you’re right. You don’t need the letter do you?

Chrissy gasps.

Chrissy: If I hurry, I can catch my dad before he mails it. Bye, Jack.
Jack: Chrissy, hang on! Chrissy, wait! Wait! Chris!

This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Make Room for Daddy” episode was written by Martin Rips and Joseph Staretski. Three’s Company is a registered Service Mark of Three’s Company (California Joint Venture of The NRW Company and T.T.C. Productions, Inc.)

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