Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Jack’s Other Mother – Three’s Company Transcript 5.10

Jack's neighbor shows up at workCindy is at the living room completing a jigsaw puzzle when the phone starts to ring.
Janet comes out of the bathroom.

Janet: I got it.
Cindy: Oh, I’ll get it.

Cindy runs to answer the phone.

Cindy: I’ve been listening to the radio. A lot of stations are having contests. You can win stuff just by answering the phone the right way.   Continue reading...

Cindy answers the phone.

Cindy: KRBQ plays all the hits!
Janet: Cindy, do you know what the odds are of them calling our number?
Cindy: Janet, I won!
Janet: You did?
Cindy: Yeah!
Janet: What did you win?
Cindy: What did I win?

Cindy gasps.

Cindy: A weekend in paradise with America’s greatest lover.

Cindy giggles.

Janet: Give me that. Get off the phone, Larry! I’m sorry, Cindy. That was just Larry. And he is no prize.
Cindy: That Larry sure has quick mind.
Janet: Not as quick as his hands.

Jack arrives sighing.

Janet: Hi, Jack.
Jack: Hi.
Cindy: Hi, Jack.
Jack: Hi.
Cindy: How was your first day at the sandwich shop?

Jack exhales heavily.

Janet: Oh come on. How tough can it be making sandwiches?
Jack: No, no. I just helped the new tenant up with her groceries. Three big bags up three flights of stairs.
Cindy: Three bags of groceries? She must be rich.
Jack: No, no. She’s a sweet little thing. Older woman, you know.
Janet: Older, huh? What are we talking Jack, 22?
Jack: No.
Jack: She must be almost 70. She barely beat me up the stairs.

Jack and Janet laugh.

Jack: You lost one here.
Cindy: Oh, thanks. So, how was everything at the sandwich shop?
Jack: Oh, frantic. The guy I’m working with kept going out for a smoke.
Janet: Really? Why didn’t you complain to the boss?
Jack: He is the boss.
Janet: Haha! Don’t worry about it. You’ll get used to it. Listen, by tomorrow night, you’re going to think everything’s wonderful.
Jack: You’re absolutely right, because tomorrow night Katy Williams is coming over for a little din-din.
Janet: Oh?
Cindy: Oh, I knew a Katy Williams in High School. She was captain of the debating team.
Jack: N-no, couldn’t be the same one. This Katy never argues. If you know what I mean.

Cindy and Jack chuckle.

Cindy: I gotcha.

Cindy elbows Jack. Jack touches his now aching chest.

Jack: You sure did. Listen, just make sure that both of you are long gone when cutie Katy comes a’calling tomorrow.

Janet laughs. Doorbell rings.

Janet: I’ll get it.
Cindy: Tell us how long you want to be alone with her, and then we’ll know where to go.
Jack: Have you ever been to Hong Kong?

Janet groans at Jack’s remark. She then opens the door to find an old lady.

Janet: Hello.
Mrs. Moore: Oh, hello. Is Jack Tripper he –
Janet: Yes –
Mrs. Moore: Oh, there you are.
Jack: Hello, Mrs. Moore.
Mrs. Moore: Oh, he was such a big help to me before. Such a dear sweet, darling boy.

Jack chuckles.

Jack: Yes, well…This is Janet.
Janet: Hello.
Jack: This is Cindy.
Cindy: How do you do?
Janet: Glad to meet you. Is there anything that we could do for you?
Mrs. Moore: Oh, no. I just wanted to bring Jack a little “Thank you” present. Home-baked cookies, three kinds.
Jack: Oh, Mrs. Moore, you didn’t have to do—
Mrs. Moore: Oh, call me Gladys.
Jack: Gladys.

Mrs. Moore laughs.

Mrs. Moore: “Mrs.” Makes me feel like an old lady.

Janet laughs.

Mrs. Moore: Is that the kitchen?

Mrs. Moore walks straight to the kitchen.

Janet: Hello? Uh…

Jack chuckles. The three look at each other in bewilderment.

Jack: Yeah, hello?

Jack enters the kitchen and finds Mrs. Moore with a box of milk. The two girls follow him.

Mrs. Moore: Oh, don’t let me interrupt your visit.
Janet: Oh, we’re not visiting. We live here.
Mrs. Moore: All three of you?
Janet: Yes.
Mrs. Moore: No wonder you got pooped climbing those stairs.

Jack stammers.

Janet: No, uh, yeah, Mrs. Moore, excuse me, Gladys, uh, we are just good friends.
Jack: Oh, you call it what you want.

Janet scoffs.

Mrs. Moore: No, come and sit down.
Jack: Yes.
Cindy: I don’t understand.
Mrs. Moore: I hope you’re taking vitamins.
Jack: No, I don’t believein—
Mrs. Moore: Oh, well maybe you better have some milk.

Mrs. Moore pours milk for Jack.

Jack: Oh, well, that’s fine.
Mrs. Moore: Yes…and try one of my whole grain cookies. A little wheat germ to go with your wild oats.

Jack and Mrs. Moore chuckle.

Jack: See, the living arrangement we have here is strictly platonic.
Mrs. Moore: Oh.
Cindy: Jack, does she think that we—
Jack: Excuse me, Ci—

Cindy tugs Jack’s shirt and a button falls off.

Jack: You broke my button.
Mrs. Moore: Now, that’s all right. You know, I can match that.
Jack: She ripped my button.
Mrs. Moore: Take off your shirt.

Mrs. Moore starts unbuttoning Jack’s shirt.

Mrs. Moore: Take off you shirt.
Jack; No, it’s all right.

Mrs. Moore continues to unbutton Jack’sshirt.

Jack: No, it doesn’t—

Jack laughs.

Jack: Oh, it’s just one button. You don’t have to. It’s an old shirt.
Mrs. Moore: Oh, no.

Mrs. Moore takes off Jack’s shirt.

Jack: Whoo-hoo! No, no!

Mrs. Moore successfully removes Jack’s shirt.

Jack: I have a question.
Mrs. Moore: Well, I have a washing press—You won’t know it. Now, which do you like? On hangers or folded?
Jack: No, can I just have my shirt back?
Mrs. Moore: Oh, you’ll have quick delivery.
Jack: Oh, good.
Mrs. Moore: Sit down. Here, sit down. Now, let me see…Have your little milk…
Jack: My little milk.
Mrs. Moore: And a cookie.
Jack: A big cookie…
Mrs. Moore: And I’ll be right back.

Mrs. Moore starts singing as she marches out of the kitchen.

Mrs. Moore: “Yes, sir. That’s my baby. No sir…”

Jack is at the sandwich shop wearing a ridiculous uniform – a red checkered vest with matching hat.

Jack: Okay, which one of you ordered the little cucumber finger sandwich with the nutmeg tea?
Construction worker: Right here, Mac.

The hurly burly construction worker takes his sandwich.

Jack: I guess this is yours.
Women: I guess so.
Jack: There you go. Thanks.
Women: Thanks a lot.
Boss: Tripper, I’m going out for a smoke. You take care of things?
Jack: You can count on me, boss.

Jack’s boss goes out for a smoke and Mrs. Moore enters the shop.

Jack: Mrs. Moore—Oh, Glady’s. Hi, what are you doing here?
Mrs. Moore: Well, I just took a little walk and here I am.
Jack: Oh good.
Mrs. Moore: Did you get your shirt?
Jack: Yes, thank you.
Mrs. Moore: I just took a chance that you’d like heavy starch.
Jack: Yeah. So, that’s why it broke when I was putting it away.

An old lady clinks her glass to get Jack’s attention.

Old lady: Waiter, would you please take our order?
Jack: Yes, exc—I’m sorry, we’re very busy.

Jack goes over to the old lady’s table.

Jack: May I help you, ma’am?
Old lady: Let’s see, what did we get the last time we were here?
Jack: Probably heartburn.

Jack laughs at his own joke, but the old lady is not amused.

Jack: It’s just—I was just making a, um…whew just nothing. Seriously, can I take your order?

The old lady sighs.

Old lady: We’ll have the soup and sandwich combination.
Jack: Okay, thank you.

Jack returns to the kitchen and finds Mrs. Moore putting on an apron.

Jack: Glady’s, what are you doing?
Mrs. Moore: Oh, well you need help.
Jack: But-but-but—
Mrs. Moore: No, now you ladle out the soup and I’ll make the sandwiches.
Jack: Wait, Gladys.
Mrs. Moore: Oh, who carved this roast beef? It’s thin enough to see through.
Boss: Hey, come here.
Mrs. Moore: Mind your manners! There are other people ahead of you.
Jack: Boss, boss—
Boss: Tripper, what did you do, get your mommy to help you.

Jack stammers.

Jack: No, she’s not my mommy—my mother, she’s a customer.
Boss: A customer? What do you think I’m running here, a smorgasbord? Get rid of her?
Jack: I was just about to, sir. I’m sorry.

Mrs. Moore holds a tray full of dishes and shouts…

Mrs. Moore: Two combos, pick up! Haha! I’ve always wanted to do that.
Jack: Gladys, I’m afraid you’ll have to leave.
Mrs. Moore: Oh, well no, no. I can stay here all day.
Jack: No, I want you to get out of here right now.
Mrs. Moore: Oh, well, uh…I can take a hint. I—I was only trying to help.
Jack: Well, look. I appreciate it, but it’s…
Mrs. Moore: Oh, don’t look so sad. Come on, before I go give me a nice big smile.

Jack forces a smile.

Mrs. Moore: Oh no. A nice real big one.

Jack widens his smile.

Mrs. Moore: That’s it. That’s just the way my son looked when he kicked me out of the house.

Mrs. Moore walks out of the sandwich shop.
Later that night, Jack prepares for his evening alone with Katy. He comes out of the kitchen with a bottle of wine.

Jack: Katy’s gonna love this.

Cindy and Janet come out of their bedroom.

Jack: Okay, come on, come on let’s go. Out! Out! Out! Katy’s gonny be here in any minute.
Janet: Nag, nag, nag, nag.
Cindy: I left my jigsaw puzzle on the coffee table. Is that okay?
Jack: Fine, fine.
Cindy: But don’t touch it! I want to put it together.
Jack: Aww! Then what are Katy and I going to do all evening for fun?
Janet: Oh, Jack.
Jack: It’s all right. I’ll think of something.

Doorbell rings.

Jack: Listen, that’s her. You two are just on your way out.
Janet and Cindy: Okay.

Jack opens the door to find Mrs. Moore.

Mrs. Moore: Hello.
Jack: Gladys!
Janet: Hi, sorry we can’t stay. We’re just on our way out.
Jack: You can stay! You can stay!
Cindy: Have fun you two.
Jack: No wait, wait, wait. You forgot, uh…terrific.
Mrs. Moore: Oh.
Jack: Look, Gladys, there’s something I’d like to tell you.
Mrs. Moore: Oh, apology accepted. No hard feelings.

Jack stammers.

Jack: I’d love to visit—
Mrs. Moore: Well, good.
Jack: But I’m expecting a girlfriend.
Mrs. Moore: Oh, don’t worry about her. She won’t bother us.
Jack: What do you mean?
Mrs. Moore: Well, I met her downstairs…Oh Jack, you should’ve seen her.
Jack: I have! I have! Where is she?
Mrs. Moore: A skirt slit up to here. Blouse down to here. And chest out to—
Jack: That’s her! Where did she go?
Mrs. Moore: Everything on display. No romance, no mystery. Jack, she’s not the girl for you.

Jack stammers.

Jack: Wh—what do you mean?
Mrs. Moore: I sent her away.
Jack: Have mercy. You didn’t, you didn’t you didn’t.
Mrs. Moore: Jack! That girl could ruin your life!
Jack: That was the whole idea!
Mrs. Moore: You are better off without her!

Jack yelps.

Jack: She’s gone. I came so close.
Mrs. Moore: Oh, Jack. I have just the perfect girl for you. She’s a librarian.

Jack coughs.

Mrs. Moore: A little on the heavy side, but lots of fun.

Mrs. Moore chuckles.

Mrs. Moore: We’ll talk about her over dinner.
Jack: Dinner?
Mrs. Moore: Oh yes, just the two of us.
Jack: Dinner?

Mrs. Moore takes the bottle of wine.

Mrs. Moore: Oh, this isn’t cold enough. I’ll pour it in a pitcher with some ice cubes.
Jack: Well, that’s a burgundy. It doesn’t—that’s all right. I don’t care.
Mrs. Moore: Oh look. A jigsaw puzzle, I just love them. Oh, aren’t we going to have fun tonight?

Jack yelps and bangs his head on the dining table.

Mrs. Moore: Oh, that’s right. You rest. I’ll take care of everything.

Mrs. Moore goes to the kitchen and Jack starts pounding the table with his fist. He pounds it so hard that he breaks a plate.
The following day, Janet is sitting on the couch reading a paper when Cindy enters the living room.

Cindy: Isn’t Jack supposed to be home by now?
Janet: Yeah Cindy, I wish he’d hurried up. I am absolutely starving.
Cindy: Yeah. I’ll start dinner.
Janet: Thanks! No! We don’t have that many dishes!

Janet runs to the kitchen, but before she gets there she hears dishes shatter.

Janet: Ooh!

Jack wearing a Fedora hat and a trench coat comes running into the apartment.
Jack and Janet both scream.

Jack: You almost gave me a heart attack! Just relax! You scared me to death!
Janet: Jack?
Jack: Yes!

Cindy runs out of the kitchen and startles Jack.

Cindy: I got it. Humphrey Bogart, right?
Jack: No, I’m trying to hide from Gladys. If she doesn’t know I’m home. Maybe she won’t bother me.

Janet scoffs.

Jack: You know what I’m talking about?
Janet: Golly! Aren’t you overreacting a little?
Cindy: Yeah, Gladys seems like an awfully sweet old lady.
Jack: Oh sure, she’s an awfully sweet lady all right. After we ate dinner last night, she washed all the dishes, she cleaned the oven, she even took home two pairs of my pants to mend. Haha! She’s driving me crazy! It’s people like her that give mothers a bad name.
Cindy: Jack, take it easy.
Jack: She’s ruining my love life. Last night was just the beginning.
Janet: Oh, come on, Jack. Now, let’s look on the bright side of things. Really, you could have bombed out with Katy Williams.
Jack: Janet, the only guy who bombed out of Katy Williams was a guy who lost her address.

Doorbell rings.

Jack: Say I’m not here.
Janet and Cindy: But Jack!
Jack: I want you to go to the door. Open it and say, “Jack’s not here!”
Cindy: Jack.

Jack lies flat on the sofa.

Janet: Hide me! Hide me!

Janet sits on top of Jack.

Jack: Ow!
Janet: Sorry.
Cindy: Jack’s not here!

Cindy startles Larry who happens to be the one at the door.

Larry: Well, in that case, this could be our lucky day.
Jack: No, I’m here.

Jack pushes Janet off the couch.

Janet: He’s here. He’s right here.
Larry: Hey, old buddy, lucky Larry has a story about last night that’s gonna put a pink back into your cheeks. And it might bring a blush to yours, so if you two little girls will excuse us for a minute, guy talk here.
Cindy: No! My whole life I’ve been sent out of the room. I want to listen.

Janet grabs Cindy’s arm.

Janet: No, you don’t.
Cindy: You mean it’ll be that bad?
Janet: That dull. Larry is the Lawrence Welk of storytellers.
Cindy: Oh.

Larry imitates Lawrence Welk’s voice.

Larry: Thank you, thank you, lovely Janet. Thank you so much, the lovely Janet, ladies and gentlemen.

Jack removes his trench coat and sits on the couch looking so down.

Larry: Hey, hey, hey, you okay pal? You look as shaky as that ’58 Chevy I sold yesterday.
Jack: Never mind Larry, what happened last night?
Larry: It started out pretty tame. I had arranged the whole evening with this month’s centerfold girl.
Jack: What’s tame about that?
Larry: Ah, there’s just so much you can do with a picture. Anyway, I was coming back from the newsstand. I saw this gorgeous, young thing standing in front of our apartment.
Jack: Last night?
Larry: Yeah, yeah, yeah. She got stood up or something.
Jack: Larry…I don’t think I want to hear this. Just tell me she was a read head or a brunette or she was very short.
Larry: No, no. Tall luscious blonde.

Jack inhales sharply.

Jack: I knew I didn’t want to hear this.
Larry: Wait, wait, wait! It has a happy ending. Next thing I know, we’re in my apartment, the whole evening is gone and I felt as if I’d known here all my life.
Jack: You talked a lot, huh?
Larry: I don’t even know if she speaks English.
Jack: Perfect.
Larry: But wait a second, here’s the real lucky part. Katy’s got this mean, older brother—
Jack: Katy?
Larry: Yes, nice name isn’t it? Anyway, I just dropped her off when her crazy brother starts chasing after my car yelling that he knows my name. Screaming that he’s gonna be coming after me.
Jack: Only it wouldn’t be you he’d be coming after, it would be—
Larry: The poor chump she had a date with last night.
Jack: Good night.

Jack collapses on the couch.

Larry: Hey, hey, hey, hey, Jacko…You know, you’re not looking so good. You oughta start spending some quiet evenings at home for a change. I’ll see you later, buddy.
Jack: Help. Help. In serious trouble here. Help.

Janet and Cindy comes out of their bedroom.
Janet chuckles.

Janet: Jack?
Cindy: Help.
Janet: Are you okay?
Cindy: What’s wrong?
Jack: No, that sweet, little old lady has done it. First, she ruins my life, and now she’s trying to end it.

Doorbell rings.

Mrs. Moore: Jack!
Jack: That’s her. That’s her.
Janet: Jack.
Jack: Okay, I know why she’s here. She wants to give me a haircut or something. Say I’m sick, okay? Say I’m sick.

Jack runs to his bedroom.

Janet: Jack? Oh, golly, I wish we could just tell her the truth.
Cindy: Let me try.
Janet: Okay.
Cindy: Hi Gladys. I’m sorry, but Jack’s in his room. He’s been exposed to something that he can’t get rid off and he’s just about out of his head. And that’s the truth!

Cindy winks at Janet.

Mrs. Moore: Oh my God, I’m just in time.
Janet: Oh, Mrs. Moore. I just--
Mrs. Moore: Please? Please?

Mrs. Moore knocks on Jack’s door.

Mrs. Moore: Jack!
Janet: Mrs. Moore—

Mrs. Moore knocks again. Jack who was standing by the door jumps on his bed.

Mrs. Moore: Jack! Oh, the poor boy needs me. I’m going to go in.

Jack hides under the sheets. Mrs. Moore enters the bedroom.

Mrs. Moore: Ja—

Jack coughs.

Mrs. Moore: Oh, you poor thing. Glady’s is here now and everything’s going to be all right.
Jack: Gladys you better leave me alone. What I’ve got is awfully catchy.
Mrs. Moore: Oh, I’ve had everything already. Where’s the thermometer?
Jack: Ah, you’re not going to put anything in my mouth.
Mrs. Moore: Well, that’s not how I take a temperature.

Jack looks at Mrs. Moore perturbed.

Mrs. Moore: I put it under the arm.
Jack: Well sorry, I’m all out of arms.
Mrs. Moore: Oh, here.

Mrs. Moore puts her hand on Jack’s forehead.

Mrs. Moore: No, no fever. I wonder if you have a rash.

Mrs. Moore pulls the cover sheets and gasps.

Mrs. Moore: Well, you didn’t even get undressed.
Jack: Well, that’s in case I have to make a dash to the hospital.
Mrs. Moore: Oh, don’t talk like that. Now, the firs thing we’re going to do is get you in your nice, warm jammies. Yes, now take off our shirt.

Mrs. Moore starts undressing Jack.

Mrs. Moore: And I’ll pull off your pants.
Jack: No, wait, wait, wait.
Mrs. Moore: Oh, now don’t be embarrassed. I’ve had a husband, a son. I’ve seen it all before.
Jack: No Gladys, let go! Would you leave me alone?!

Jack stands up.

Mrs. Moore: Oh, well…when we’re sick, we’re always a little irritable.
Jack: Gladys, ever since you’ve come here, you’ve been driving me crazy. Now, just stay away from me!
Mrs. Moore: Well, that’s just the way my son sounded when I paid a surprise visit to him and his wife. Only two days and he just blew up at me. He said I ruined their honeymoon.

Jack stammers.

Jack: Gladys, look, I—
Mrs. Moore: Oh, well, no…no, you don’t have to say anymore. I won’t ever bother you again.

Mrs. Moore leaves the room. Jack mopes on the sofa.

Janet: Jack, hey come one. You can’t spend the rest of your life feeling guilty about Gladys.
Cindy: Yeah, people her age are used to being mistreated.

Jack feels even more guilty after hearing Cindy.

Janet: You better let me do the cheering up.
Cindy: Okay.
Janet: Jack, come on. You know what time it is?
Jack: What?
Janet: Happy hour down at the Regal Beagle. Why don’t we mosey on down there and destroy all the hot hors d’oeuvres?
Jack: I don’t know, Janet.
Cindy: Janet’s treating!
Janet: I am? Yeah, I am! I am! Come on!
Jack: In that case, okay.
Janet: Okay, give us a second to get gorgeous.
Cindy: Give me two seconds.

Doorbell rings.

Jack: I’ll get it.

Jack opens the door and finds Katy.

Katy: Hi!
Jack: Katy! What are you doing—I mean, come in, come in.
Katy: I just went to see a friend upstairs, but he’s not home. Do you know, Larry?
Jack: Who, Larry, sure. Oh well, yeah, yeah, we bump into each other once in a long while.
Katy: Well, do you know when he’ll be back?
Jack: How, Larry the world traveler? Could be weeks. Weeks, months, months, weeks. Come in, sit down and let’s wait for him. Okay?
Katy: Do you really want me to? Your mother told me what you said.

Jack stammers.

Jack: My m-mm-mot—what did she say?
Katy: She said you didn’t think we were right for each other.

Jack pants.

Jack: No, no, no. She must have thought you were one of the other girls.
Katy: Other girls?
Jack: Yeah, you see. There’s this crazy horde of females. They’re very pushy. They’re following me all over the city trying to get to my apartment. It’s horrible.
Katy: Just to see you?
Jack: Yeah. I don’t know why they find me so attractive.
Katy: Well, let’s sit down and see if we can find out.
Jack: Wait, wait, wait a second. First, I want to show you something.
Katy: Ah-ha, I bet you do.

Jack leads Katy to the kitchen.

Jack: Come here. Here it is!
Katy: The kitchen?
Jack: Well now, if you get hungry, there’s the stove and if you get thirsty, there’s el-sinko.

Jack laughs.

Janet: Jack where are you?
Jack: Oh, that’s more girls. They must have come through the bathroom window. Listen, you stay here and I’ll go get rid of them, okay? Excuse me, I’ll be right back.

Jack runs out of the kitchen.

Janet: Hey.
Jack: Have fun, goodbye. Take care.
Janet: What?
Jack: Go, go, go.
Janet: You’re coming with us, aren’t you?
Jack: No, I just want to be alone!
Cindy: But we got all fixed up for you.
Jack: What’s a guy to do to get a little privacy around here?
Janet: Jack?
Jack: I want to be alone. Don’t you understand?
Janet: Okay, okay, we understand.

Jack signals for the door.

Janet: Come on, Cindy.
Cindy: Boy.

Janet scoffs.

Janet: Bye.

Janet closes the door then quickly peeps back in.

Janet: And don’t think we don’t know about the girl in the kitchen.
Katy: Wow! Groupies!

Jack chuckles.

Katy: And you’re not even a rock star.
Jack: It’s just my curse.

Jack snaps his fingers.

Jack: I don’t know. What is it about me?
Katy: I don’t know, but now I’ve got to find out.

Katy puts her arms around Jack and giggles.

Jack: Be gentle.

Mrs. Moore is walking down the stairs when Katy’s brother Kenny approaches her.

Kenny: Oh, hi. Excuse me, lady, I’m looking for Jack Tripper.
Mrs. Moore: Oh, top of the stairs, apartment 201.
Kenny: Thanks a lot lady.

Katy’s brother runs up the stairs and bumps into Larry. Larry almost falls down the stairs.

Larry: Excuse me, who was that guy looking for?
Mrs. Moore: Jack Tripper.
Larry: Oh no.
Mrs. Moore: Why are you so upset?
Larry: I don’t want anything to happen to my best friend.
Mrs. Moore: Oh.
Larry: He owes me 50 bucks.

Jack and Katy are wrapped in each others arms dancing when Katy’s brother comes knocking on the door.

Katy: What’s that?
Jack: Just the beat, beat, beat of my heart.

Katy’s brother barges in.

Kenny: Take your hands off of my sister!
Katy: Kenny?
Kenny: Stay out of this!

Kenny pushes Jack away from his sister.

Kenny: Okay Tripper! I’m going to teach you not to fool around with an innocent, young girl.
Katy: Kenny, I’m 25 and I’m not innocent.
Jack: Oh, hey, she’s right about that.
Kenny: What?

Jack stammers.

Jack: About being 25.
Kenny: Listen, you. Now I missed you last night, but I got you now.
Jack: Wait a minute, man. I wasn’t with your sister last night!
Kenny: Well, I don’t believe you.

Mrs. Moore enters the apartment.

Mrs. Moore: Well, then believe me!
Kenny: Who are you?
Mrs. Moore: Well, who are you, and what are you doing in our apartment?
Kenny: This is your apartment?
Mrs. Moore: Yes, I live here with my son. I can’t leave him alone for a minute without some girl bothering him.
Jack: Thanks mom.
Kenny: Okay, sis. Come on. Now who’s been bothering who?
Katy: Kenny, I came to see the guy I had a date with last night, but he wasn’t home.
Kenny: Uh-huh.
Mrs. Moore: You see, my Jackie is perfectly innocent.
Kenny: Okay, I’m sorry. I guess it’s my mistake.
Mrs. Moore; Yes, he was just sitting here studying for his bible class.
Jack: Mom, mom. We’re clear. Let’s not over do it.
Mrs. Moore: Okay.
Kenny: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I guess I got all her guys mixed up. Come on, sis. We got to find you a different hobby.

Kenny drags Katy out of the apartment. Katy manages to send Jack a message without her brother seeing it.

Jack: Gladys, I guess you saved my neck.
Mrs. Moore: I guess I did.
Jack: I want to apologize.

There’s a pause.

Mrs. Moore: Well, who’s stopping you?

Jack and Mrs. Moore both laugh. Larry runs in the apartment carrying a baseball bat.

Larry: Sorry, I can’t stay. I brought you this.
Jack: Larry! He left.
Larry: Left?
Jack: Right.
Larry: Well, it’s a good thing for him. I would have knocked the guy into left field.

Larry takes the baseball bat and swings.

Jack: Excuse me, the game is over.
Larry: Yeah well, I guess I’d better go. Can you believe running up here just now, I ripped my pants?
Mrs. Moore: You poor dear!

The next day, Janet runs to get the phone.

Janet: Hello?
Operator: I have a collect call for anyone from Chrissy Snow. Will you accept the charges?
Janet: Yes operator, sure.
Operator: Go ahead.
Janet: Hello, Chrissy. How’s your mom?
Chrissy: Hi, she’s fine, but Janet, you weren’t supposed to accept the call.
Janet: I wasn’t?
Chrissy: No. That’s why I called collect. It’s a signal. See, I call you collect and if somebody answers, then I know you’re home, then I call right back station to station, it’s cheaper.
Janet: Yeah, but if you called station to station in the first place, and there wasn’t any answer you’d know nobody was home, right?
Chrissy: Yeah, but then I’d have nobody to talk to.
Janet: Okay, Chrissy.

Janet laughs.

Janet: You called collect, I accepted the charges. Here we are on the phone, let’s talk.
Chrissy: About what?
Janet: I don’t know. You’re the one who called me.
Chrissy: Oh, yeah. Is Jack home?
Janet: Oh, no.
Chrissy: Oh, will you give him a message for me?
Janet: Sure.
Chrissy: Will you tell him the next time I call, I want him to answer, okay?
Janet: Chrissy, how will he know it’s you?
Chrissy: Listen, if he doesn’t recognize me by now, then I don’t want to talk to him at all.

Janet fumbles the phone.

This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Jack's Other Mother” episode was written by Mark Tuttle. Three’s Company is a registered Service Mark of Three’s Company (California Joint Venture of The NRW Company and T.T.C. Productions, Inc.)

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