Janet arrives carrying two heavy grocery bags.
Jack: Hi, Janet.
Janet struggles to remove the key from the door.
Jack: Thank you. I could use some help.
Janet manages to remove it with her mouth.
Janet: Jack, can you help me, please?
Jack: Huh? Janet, listen to this would you? “Dear Sirs, It has long been my ambition to work in the finest restaurant in Southern California. And –“
Janet leaves Jack and enters the kitchen.
Jack: Janet? Gee, you know, I’d help you if you needed it. I’m trying to get this resume to Cindy. She promised she’d type it for me.
Janet: Jack. She’s only living here for two weeks. Don’t you think that’s taking advantage?
Jack: Well, it’s the least she can do after what she’s done to me.
Janet: Well, come on. Accidents do happen.
Jack: Yeah, whenever Cindy’s around they happen all the time. What about my sprained shoulder where she hit me with the door?
Janet: I know.
Jack: Or my foot where she dropped the iron.
Janet: I know
Jack: Would you care to see where she hit me with the doorknob?
Jack: If she weren’t Chrissy’s cousin –
Janet: You would have to get somebody else to do your typing for you.
Jack: Janet, come here for a second. I wanna see how you like this.
Janet: Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Jack: “Dear Sirs, It has long been my ambition to work in the finest restaurant in Southern Califonria. With this in mind, I would like to apply for a position with your wonderful establishment. Sincerely, Your obedient and humble servant, Jack Tripper.” What do you think?
Janet: Don’t you think you’re laying it on a bit thick?
Jack: Janet, there’s nothing wrong with laying on a little bit of flattery as long as it’s sincere.
Janet: Okay, if you think it will work.
Jack: How can it miss? I’m sending one to every restaurant in town.
Jack: “My ambition” or –
Janet: Here, Jack. Make yourself useful.
Janet hands Jack a bag of groceries and runs to answer the door.
Mr. Furley dressed in yellow overalls with matching hat enters holding a dead plant.
Janet: Mr. Furley, what happened to your Spathiphyllum?
Mr. Furley: My Spetho – what?
Janet: Your Spathiphyllum.
Mr. Furley: Gee, and I’ve been calling it a fern.
Janet: What happened to it?
Mr. Furley: Well, I was hoping you could tell me. I’ve been taking very good care of it. Making sure it got plenty of sunlight lots of plant food. I even dusted it everyday.
Janet: Golly, how often did you water it?
Mr. Furley: Water?
Janet: Mr. Furley, you’d better bring that on in here.
Jack enters the living room.
Janet: Oh, isn’t that the sorriest sight you’ve ever seen?
Jack: Maybe if he took of his hat
Mr. Furley: Not me, the Spethafa – Spetha –
Jack: You mean the fern?
Janet: I’ll take that. Why won’t you just sit down and finish your resume.
Jack: All right.
Mr. Furley: Resume. You’re writing a resume? Oh you gotta let me help you with that. You’re talking to an expert in that department. And one thing I’ve learned is, you can never underestimate the importance of a resume.
Jack: Yeah, Mr. Furley –
Mr. Furley: How do you think I got this job?
Jack: Your brother owns the building.
Mr. Furley: Is till had to write a resume.
Jack: Mr. Furley, I really appreciate your offer, but I –
Mr. Furley: No, no, no, no, no, no.
Jack: What’s wrong?
Mr. Furley: No, weak Jack, weak. Wishy-washy.
Mr. Furley: Of course, that’s your style. I should say swishy-swashy.
Jack: Thank you very much. It was nice seeing you, but I really have to get some work—
Jack leads Mr. Furley out the door when Cindy enters, pushes the door and hits Jack.
Cindy: Jack? Janet?
Cindy: Oh, Jack, you’ll never guess what happened.
Jack: I know what happened. You came home.
Cindy: But wait till you hear it.
Jack: No, no. Later, later. My head’s ringing, and I just would like to go answer it.
Cindy: But Jack!
Mr. Furley: Go on, Cindy. I’m all ears.
Cindy: That’s okay, with that hat on nobody will notice.
Cindy closes the door on Mr. Furley.
Cindy: Janet, wait till you hear the funny thing that happened at work today.
Janet: Oh, tell me about it.
Cindy: Well, I was getting coffee for my boss, Mr. Hadley, when Jerry Williams came out of the storeroom.
Janet: What, you were getting coffee for your boss?
Cindy: That’s not the funny part. You see, when Jerry opened the door –
Janet: No, no, no, wait a minute, wait a minute. Your boss got a broken leg.
Cindy: Not that I noticed.
Janet: Well, then what were you doing getting his coffee?
Cindy: Janet, I’m his secretary.
Janet: Cindy, what does that mean?
Cindy: Well, it’s part of the job like typing his letters, answering his telephone calls, picking up his clothes from the cleaners.
Janet: You pick up his cleaning? Ah! Next you’ll be out shopping for his wife’s birthday present.
Cindy: Oh no! That was last week.
Janet: I suppose you had to do it on your lunch hour, didn’t you?
Janet: Oh good.
Cindy: During lunch hour I got his car washed.
Janet: You didn’t.
Jack enters the living room.
Jack: Didn’t what?
Janet: Jack, you’re not gonna believe the things that Cindy has been doing for her boss.
Jack: Cindy! Shame on you.
Janet: This is no kidding matter. Come on, listen. She gets his coffee. She gets her cleaning. She goes and gets his car washed, she picks out a birthday present for his wife.
Jack: Oh, secretarial things.
Janet: What did you say?
Jack: You know, women things.
Janet: What did you say?
Jack: I hear my yams screaming for me.
Janet: Oh! Just like a man!
Jack runs off into the kitchen.
Janet: I – oh Cindy. You’ve just got to learn how to say no every once in a while.
Cindy: My father says I should always say no all the time.
Janet: This is no kidding matter. Now, come on. Tomorrow, I want you to go into your office and tell your boss that from now on, he can get his own coffee and he can run his own errands.
Cindy: But bosses don’t do that. What do you think they have secretaries for?
Janet: Come here. We’re going to have a little chat.
Cindy: About what/
Janet: About dignity, self-respect, and professionalism.
Cindy: Okay, just as long as we don’t talk about my job.
At Cindy’s office…
Cindy: Good morning, Mr. Hadley’s office. Oh, I Janet. No, I haven’t told him yet. Because he hasn’t come in. Yes, Janet, I’ll tell him everything you said. No, I’m not gonna get his coffee.
Cindy: No, I’m not going to — he’s coming. Bye.
Mr. Hadley: Good morning.
Secretary #2: Good morning, Mr. Hadley.
Mr. Hadley: Good morning, Cindy.
Cindy: Mr. Hadley, there’s something I’d like to talk to you about. It might not seem important to you, but I –
Mr. Hadley surprises Cindy with flowers.
Mr. Hadley: For you.
Cindy: I –
Mr. Hadley: Just thought they might brighten up your day.
Cindy: Oh, thank you Mr. Hadley. They’re beautiful.
Mr. Hadley: Oh, and Cindy –
Cindy: I’ll get your coffee right away.
Jack drops by Cindy’s office and silently watches the other secretary, while she’s massaging her leg.
Secretary #2: Can I help you?
Jack laughs at himself.
Jack: No, actually I was looking for a friend of mine, Cindy Snow.
Secretary #2: She’ll be right back. Why won’t you have a seat.
Jack: Oh, thank you. It’s interesting. Years ago –
Jack sits on the secretary’s table.
Secretary #2: Over there.
Jack: Oh. Excuse me, of course. Natural mistake. Sorry.
Jack bends down and secretly takes another peek at the secretary’s legs when Cindy arrives.
Cindy: Oh, hi, Jack.
Jack: Hi, Cindy.
Cindy: I’m just about done here with your resume.
Jack: Is that it?
Jack: Look at – isn’t it funny how a good typing job makes all those lies seem believable.
Mr. Hadley: Cindy, my coffee.
Cindy: Oh, it’s right here, Mr. Hadley. I was just finishing up this resume.
Mr. Hadley: Resume? I hope you’re not unhappy with your job.
Cindy: Oh, no. It’s for my friend here, Jack.
Mr. Hadley: On company time? Who gave you permission to do that?
Cindy: Oh, it didn’t take me long.
Jack: I’m afraid that’s all my fault, Mr. Badley.
Mr. Hadley: Hadley. And if you don’t mind, I’m talking to my secretary, Sonny. You know the rules regarding personal business on company time.
Jack: You mean like, uh, getting your coffee?
Mr. Hadley: What?
Jack: And buying presents for your wife?
Cindy: Jack, I don’t think –
Jack: And dropping off your dirty old clothes?
Mr. Hadley: I had no idea it bothered you so much.
Cindy: Well, actually –
Jack: Why wouldn’t it bother her? I mean, she hired on as a secretary, not a maid.
Jack: Just a second. I’m not finished. And another thing, Mr. Badley.
Mr. Hadley: Hadley.
Jack: I really would suggest to you that you get your own coffee and run your own errands. The exercise might do you some good.
Cindy: He’s joking. This one’s always joking.
Mr. Hadley: Well Cindy, if you really feel that way.
Jack: She does, take my word for it.
Mr. Hadley: She does, does she?
Mr. Hadley: Then you tell her for me –
Cindy: Wait a minute! Do you two mind? Mr. Hadley, if there’s anything you’d like to talk to me about, I wish that you’d speak to me directly.
Mr. Hadley: You’re right. I feel that way too.
Mr. Hadley: Miss Snow, you’re fired.
Jack: Hey, well, I guess he won’t be pushing you around anymore. I’m sorry.
Back at the apartment…
Jack: So before Cindy had a chance –
Cindy: One minute he’s giving me flowers, and the next –
Janet: Wait, wait, wait, shh. One at a time, please, one at a time. Let’s just come over here and sit down calmly, and we’ll discuss it calmly.
Jack: Janet, what’s to discuss? The poor girl got fired, and that’s that.
Cindy starts crying on Janet’s shoulders.
Janet: Jack, getting fired. The poor kid. I feel terrible.
Jack: Oh Janet, don’t go blaming yourself.
Janet: Why would I blame myself?
Jack: Well, after all, you did goad her into taking a stand.
Janet: Jack, I didn’t goad anybody. I merely suggested that she tell her boss –
Jack: To run her own errands.
Janet: And is that what got her fired?
Jack pats Janet’s shoulder.
Janet: Then it is my fault.
Janet: Oh. Oh, Cindy, I’m so sorry.
Jack: There, there, you couldn’t help it Janet.
Cindy: All I was doing was typing Jack’s resume.
Janet: Oh listen, I’m gonna make this up to you.
Janet stops and looks at Jack who has begun patting her shoulders rapidly.
Janet: Jack’s resume?
Jack: Well, what’s done is done. Let me go see about dinner.
Janet: No! Go on Cindy.
Cindy: And Hadley said it was against company rules.
Janet: And that’s what got you fired, right?
Cindy: Oh no.
Jack: See? Soup’s on. Excuse me.
Cindy: Jack told Hadley that running his own errands would be good for him.
Janet: I see.
Cindy: Because he’s too fat.
Janet: My fault?
Janet: Why, you rat!
Jack: Janet, would you please take care of Cindy. They poor girl just got fired.
Janet looks at the down-trodden Cindy and comforts her.
Mr. Furley: I’ve got it, Jack. Your problems are over.
Jack: Got what?
Mr. Furley: The perfect opening to your resume “Tripper’s the name, cooking’s my game.”
Jack: Mr. Furley, I really don’t think this is the time.
Mr. Furley: “If it’s a chef you’re looking for with skills that are unique. Then look no farther, I’m your man, or so to speak.”
Cindy starts wailing.
Mr. Furley: It’s not that bad.
Janet: Mr. Furley, Cindy got fired.
Mr. Furley: She did?
Mr. Furley: Well, don’t you worry about a thing, Cindy. I’ll start working on your resume right away. Let’s see.
Jack: Mr. Furley, why don’t you do your thinking downstairs? That would help us.
Mr. Furley: I got it, I got it! “Cindy’s my name, shorthand’s my game.”
Jack: That’s good.
Mr. Furley: “Have typewrit—“
Jack shuts the door on Mr. Furley.
Mr. Furley: “Will travel.”
Janet: Jack? Jack. You got Cindy fired, now you have got to apologize.
Jack: Yeah. You’re right.
Jack: Cindy, I’m sorry. I had no –
Janet: Jack, not to Cindy, to her boss.
Jack: Are you kidding? He’d throw me out the window.
Cindy starts wailing again.
Jack: Well, it’s – it’s only on the fourth floor.
Jack arrives at Cindy’s old office and approaches the new secretary who is a much older woman than Cindy
New secretary: Yes?
Jack: I can come back.
New secretary: Well, what is it?
Jack: Oh, no, see, I just wanted to speak to Mr. Hadley for a second.
New secretary: Do you have an appointment?
Jack: No ma’am I don’t. I’d just like to go in and do a little groveling, and I’ll be right out.
The new secretary stands and faces Jack.
New secretary: Nobody gets in without an appointment.
Jack: No, see, I was just –
New secretary: Nobody!
Jack: Huh-uh! Don’t sit down.
New secretary: What?
Jack: I have never seen anything more graceful in my life.
New secretary: What – what are you talking about?
Jack: You! The way you moved. You just floated right out of that chair. It was sheer poetry in motion!
New secretary: Me!
The new secretary blushes and starts to giggle.
Jack: No wait now. Stop me if I’m getting too personal, but were you ever a ballerina?
New secretary: Well, no. But I did take tap dancing lessons, and my teacher said –
Jack: Well, she was right, wasn’t she? Would you do me a favor? Would you walk for me?
New secretary: Well, I really –
Jack: You know the girls today, they don’t walk, they bounce, but you seem to glide. Would you walk and glide for me? Would you please?
New secretary: You see? It’s all in the posture. See, I hold my head high.
Jack: But don’t stop. Don’t stop. It would be like shooting a bird in flight.
New secretary: Oh.
Jack: Continue please. Walk and glide. I’m right behind you. Look at this! It’s poetry. It’s poetry!
The new secretary glides farther away from her desk and Jack makes his way inside Mr. Hadley’s office.
Jack finds Mr. Hadley necking with the younger secretary.
Jack: Ah, a secretary’s job is never done.
Mr. Hadley: You! Is there something I can do for you?
Jack: Well, as a matter of fact, there is.
Back at the apartment, Cindy nervously wait for Jack as Janet calmly reads the paper.
Cindy: Oh. Oh!
Janet: Come one, Cindy. Take it easy.
Cindy: How can I take it easy? I just lost my job.
Janet: Well, oh, look… It’s not the end of the world.
Mr. Hadley: I’m Mr. Hadley.
Janet: Oh. So, you’re Mr. Hadley.
Mr. Hadley: I’d like to have a word with Cindy.
Janet: Oh, you would. Well, I’m sure that she’s got a word for you.
Cindy: Mr. Hadley, what are you doing here?
Mr. Hadley: I can only stay a minute. I just came by to apologize and ask you to come back to work.
Janet: Ah! What are you standing there for? Come on in! Come right on in.
Cindy: This is my friend, Janet Wood.
Mr. Hadley: Hello. I happened to mention to my wife the circumstances connected with your dismissal, and uh, she told me I was way out of line. Uh, seems she’s always saying that.
Janet: Then why won’t you fire her?
Janet starts laughing at her comment.
Mr. Hadley: I was wrong and I admit it and I’d like you to come back to work tomorrow.
Cindy: Well Mr. Hadley, I don’t really know –
Mr. Hadley: Of course there’d be a raise.
Cindy: A raise? I accept!
Mr. Hadley: Hang on a second. Not so fast.
Cindy: But, Janet –
Janet: Hey, I got a couple of questions.
Cindy: No, Janet. I don’t like questions.
Janet: Cindy, let me do this. Mr. Hadley, would Cindy still have to get your coffee?
Mr. Hadley: No.
Janet: Would she have to run your errands for you?
Mr. Hadley: She wouldn’t have to do anything except her job.
Janet: Oh. Okay, we accept.
Cindy runs over to Janet and gives her a hug.
Cindy: Oh, thank you, Janet! Those were good questions.
Janet: Thank you.
Janet: Excuse me one second.
Mr. Furley: Cindy’s worries are over. This resume will get her a job in no time at all. Listen to this, Cindy.
Janet: Ah Mr. Furley, this is Cindy’s boss, Mr. Hadley.
Mr. Furley: Oh, how do you do?
Mr. Furley whispers to Janet.
Mr. Furley: He the one that fire dher?
Mr. Furley: It’s even better, I’ll try it out on him. “My name is Cindy and this is no hype. Need someone to do 50 words a minute? Then I’m just your type.” Type. Get it? What do you think?
Mr. Hadley: She’s got the job.
Mr. Furley: This worked even better than I thought. If you ever get fired again let me know. I got a million of ‘em.
Mr. Furley leaves and bumps into Mrs. Hadley.
Mr. Hadley: Harriet. Janet, and this is Cindy. I’d like you to meet my wife.
Three women: Hello.
Mrs. Hadley: I wouldn’t have stayed in the car if I thought it would take this long.
Mr. Hadley: I was just leaving, dear.
Mrs. Hadley: Have you told Miss Snow you want her back?
Janet: Oh, yes, he has. As long as you’re here, why don’t you help us celebrate? I just made fresh coffee.
Mrs. Hadley: That’d be lovely.
Cindy: Oh, I’ll get it.
Mr. Hadley: Just a minute, Cindy. This time, let me get the coffee.
Mr. Hadley: Oh my, there maybe hope for him yet.
Janet: Mrs. Hadley, I’d like to thank you for helping Cindy get her job back.
Mrs. Hadley: Think nothing of it. We women have to stick together.
Jack: Cindy, Janet! Wait’ll you hear what happened.
Janet: Jack, this is Mrs. Hadley.
Jack: Not now, Janet. Cindy, I have a feeling you’re gonna get your old job back.
Cindy: How did you know that?
Jack: Well, you know that girl who works in your office, Sheila?
Cindy: You mean sexy Sheila?
Jack: Yes. Well, I happened to walk in on sexy Sheila and your boss,
Mr. Hadley enters the living room.
Jack: And Mr. Hadley was behavin’ badly.
Janet nudges Jack and points at Mrs. Hadley.
Jack: What’s wrong with – Had – Mrs. Hadley? Mr. Hadley. Well, of course I felt like an absolute fool when I realized it only looked like Mr. Hadley, only taller, with a mustache, you see, because I was in the wrong office. I was in 322 instead of 422.
Mrs. Hadley gives Jack a piercing look.
Jack: In fact, it was the wrong building across the street. Actually, it was the wrong street. I’m not even sure about the, uh, city.
Mrs. Hadley: Charles, I warned you.
Mr. Hadley: Please, Harriet, the boy’s trying to explain. He made a mistake.
Mrs. Hadley: You’re the one who’s made the mistake. Out, out, out!
Mr. Hadley: Yes, dear. You can forget about that job, young lady.
Mrs. Hadley: She’ll do no such thing. I like to know what’s going on in that office, and Cindy’s just the one to keep me posted. Right, Charles?
Mrs. Hadley: Right, dear.
Mr. Hadley: I’ll see you in the office tomorrow morning, Miss Snow.
Mrs. Hadley: You know, he used to cheat on his first wife with his secretary.
Cindy: He told you that?
Mrs. Hadley: I was his secretary.
Jack: Oh, we did it! We did it!
Janet: I know! It’s great!
Jack: Oh, I’m so glad I got your job back.
Janet: I knew I could do it. I mean – Hey, it was my idea.
Jack: Well, maybe so, Janet, but I was the one who went to her office.
Janet: Jack, only because I made you go.
Jack: Yeah? Well, just remember, there wouldn’t have been any job to get back if I hadn’t gotten her fired the first place. I’ll tell you what, we’ll share the credit.
Janet: Okay, it doesn’t matter anyway. The only thing that matters is that Cindy’s going back to work tomorrow, right?
Jack: That’s right!
Cindy: Did you actually think I’d take that job?
Janet: Oh, but Cindy Mr. Hadley said it was gonna be different.
Jack: Yeah, you won’t have to be nursemaid anymore.
Janet: Yeah, and he did mention a raise.
Cindy: Janet, I’m a secretary. Not a spy.
Cindy: If I went back to Mr. Hadley’s office, I couldn’t respect myself. I’ll find another job, where I can respect my boss and he can respect me. And you two can respect me too.
Janet: Oh. Hey.
Janet gives Cindy a big hug.
Janet: I’m very proud of you.
Jack: I’m very proud of you too.
Jack gives Cindy a hug.
Cindy: Oh, I feel so good.
Jack squeezes Cindy a bit harder.
Jack: You certainly do. You know something? This calls for a celebration. Why don’t I open up a bottle of wine?
Cindy: Oh, let me!
Cindy steps on Jack’s foot.
Jack: Ow, ow, ow!
Janet: Oh, oh, I know. That’s the bad toe. The bad one, but listen, I know it hurts, Jack, but are you actually gonna let her open up a wine by herself?
Jack: Oh, you’re right. That’s glass. Isn’t it?
Jack: Cindy? Cin –
Jack makes his way to the kitchen hopping on one foot when Cindy enters the living room and hits Jack with the kitchen door.
Cindy: Red or white?
Jack: How about black and blue?
Jack tries to stand up and Cindy accidentally hits his head with the wine bottles.
Later that night, the phone starts to ring.
Janet wakes up and picks up the vase.
Janet picks up the phone.
Chrissy: Hello, Janet? Oh, I’m so glad you’re up.
Janet: Chrissy? Do you know what time it is?
Chrissy: No. I’ll go find out.
Chrissy puts Janet on hold and Janet starts to doze off.
Chrissy: It’s 2:30!
Janet: It’s 2:30? Chrisy, what are you doing up at 2:30?
Chrissy: Well, I had this dream aobut you and I just had to call.
Janet: You had a dream about me?
Chrissy: Yeah Janet, it was just so awful. I dreamed I was walking down this street, and all of a sudden I found myself in the middle of the woods, and it kept getting darker and then it started to rain,
Janet dozes off again.
Chrissy: And the faster I walked the darker it got. And then I heard the animals. I don’t know what kind they were, but they weren’t wagging their tails. And then all of the sudden this big, scary thing jumped out of me and then I woke up. Oh, Janet, it was terrible.
Janet: Was that it?
Janet: You said you had a dream about me, Chirssy. Where do I come in?
Chrissy: Oh, well, I was on my way home to see you.
Janet: Hey, Chrissy, you wanna hear about my dream?
Janet: Good. I’ll call you back when I’ve had it.
Janet hangs up and sleeps on the console.
The phone starts ringing again. Janet gets surprised and rolls off the console.
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Jack to the Rescue” episode was written by George Burditt. Three’s Company is a registered Service Mark of Three’s Company (California Joint Venture of The NRW Company and T.T.C. Productions, Inc.)
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