Jack is talking to Larry on the phone.
Jack: Oh, come on, Larry. I just want to borrow the keys to your car for one night. Why not?
Janet arrives at the apartment after her jogging.
Jack: Oh, Larry.
Janet approaches Jack panting.
Janet: Two miles.
Janet collapses on the couch.
Jack: You’re some friend man. I’d do it for you. Larry, hang on a second will you?
Jack puts the phone close to Janet as she breathes heavily.
Jack: I have to go now, Larry. The orgy’s just started.
Janet: I can’t breathe. I have a pain in my side. I have a cramp in my stomach, and my legs hurt.
Jack: Then why do you go jogging?
Janet: It makes me feel good.
There’s a knock on the door.
Janet: I can’t wait to get out of these sweaty clothes.
Larry comes barging in with the keys.
Larry: You were kidding about the orgy of course.
Jack: Of course.
Janet: Hello Larry.
Larry: I’ve been had.
Jack grabs the keys from Larry’s hand.
Jack: Thanks, Larry.
Larry takes the keys back.
Larry: You’re welcome.
Jack: Come on, Larry. I’ve got a date tonight with Bonnie Chamberlain.
Larry: Look, I need the car now. I’ll drop the keys off this afternoon.
Janet: Hey, I thought you had to work tonight.
Jack: You mean at that hamburger joint?
Jack: Not anymore. I quit.
Janet: Quit? Jack, you can’t afford to quit.
Jack: You can if you got the chef job at Lucien’s.
Janet: Luciens? The Lucien’s.
Jack: The one and only. Dean Travers heard there was an opening in the kitchen and he called me.
Janet: Oh, Jack I’m so proud of you!
Larry: Hey, buddy, that’s great! When do you start?
Jack: I’ll let you know as soon as they hire me.
Janet: Wait a minute. You mean you quit your old job before you got a new job?
Jack: Janet, you don’t have to worry. Look, Dean Travers wrote me a personal recommendation.
Janet: Yeah Jack, but how come you have to quit your old job first? After all, a bird in the hand…
Jack: Can get your hand awful dirty. Excuse me.
Jack runs out the door. Jack arrives at Lucien’s for his interview. Jack takes a deep breath.
Jack: Uh, excuse me?
Maitre ‘d: Oh, yes sir. Uh, you want a reservation?
Jack: No, actually I’m here about a job.
Maitre ‘d: Oh. Do you think you’re good enough to work at Lucien.
Jack: Well, uh. Yes, sir.
Maitre ‘d: Ha!
Jack: Uh, sir, I have a letter of reference.
Maitre ‘d: Oh?
Jack: I know that you’re familiar with the dean of my cooking school, Mr. Travers.
Maitre ‘d: Travers. That pig.
Jack crumples the reference letter.
Maitre ‘d: He prepares Polynesian style is in a class by itself.
Jack straightens out the reference letter.
Jack: Oh, yeah, you bet. Love that pig. Dean Travers is an incredible cook.
Maitre ‘d: Nonsense, the man got lucky with one pig. He has no talent at all. He’s a fraud.
Jack crumples the reference letter and throws it away.
Jack: As I was saying, Dean Travers is an incredible crook. Imagine ripping off those poor innocent students.
Maitre ‘d: But, he does know how to teach. Do you have a personal recommendation from him?
Jack: Uh, yes.
Maitre ‘d: Well, let me have it.
Jack: Uh, what did I do…
Jack runs and picks up the reference letter he tossed earlier.
Jack gives the crumpled piece of paper to the Maitre ‘d. The Maitre ‘d takes it and throws it in the trash.
Maitre ‘d: Where’s the letter?
Jack: That was it.
Maitre ‘d: Let me just, uh –
Jack takes the letter from the trash.
Jack: It’s uh, well. I could have this pressed.
Jack straightens the paper, but accidentally rips it. He hands it to the man anyway.
Jack: It goes together. See. That one right here. “He’s exceptional.”
Maitre ‘d: Yes. Yes, yes, yes. It’s very impressive.
Jack: Does that mean you’ll give me the job?
Maitre ‘d: You can start tonight.
Jack: That’s great! Thank you. Excuse me, sir. Uh, uh, I happened to bring along some of my favorite recipes that got me quite a few raves in cooking school.
Maitre ‘d: I don’t think you’ll need those.
The man takes his recipes and throws it in the trash.
Jack: Well, hey, scratch the recipes. You probably want me to wait for a while before I start with my own creations. You just tell me what you want.
Maitre ‘d: I want you to clear the tables, clear the water pitchers and help the waiters.
Jack: Wait a second, that—that—that’s what a busboy does.
Maitre ‘d: You’re a quick learner. I like that in a busboy.
Jack: A busboy? Wait… a busboy.
Jack starts laughing.
Maitre ‘d: I said something amusing?
Jack: No sir, I came, I was applying for a job as chef
The man starts to laugh.
Maitre ‘d: Now that’s amusing.
Jack: Busboy? I don’t believe it.
Maitre ‘d: My boy, with your experience that is the only job you’re going to get in a fine restaurant.
Jack: A busboy?
Maitre ‘d: Well, you’ll be following in the footsteps of some of our greatest chefs.
Jack: I don’t care about following in the footsteps. I spent three years at a top cooking school. I’ve graduated at the top of my class. I’ve won all kinds of awards. I even quit my job, and you want me to be a busboy? Is that what you’re telling me?
Maitre ‘d: Exactly.
Jack: When do I start?
Back at the apartment, Larry borrows a vacuum cleaner from Janet.
Larry: Hey, Janet, thanks for the use of the vacuum cleaner. I really appreciate it.
Janet: Sure, Lar, any time. But hang on a second. What is this sudden urge toward neatness?
Larry: Well, last night, we ended up at my place after the beach party and, uh… I have to get the sand out of my bed. Here comes Jack. Gee, I hope he got the job.
Janet: Oh, golly, me too. But don’t mention the job.
Larry: Why not?
Janet: Because, if he didn’t get it, it’ll only make him feel a lot worse. So, just act real casual and don’t mention the job.
Larry: Oh, yeah, gotcha.
Janet: Okay, casual.
Jack enters the apartment.
Janet grabs Jack by the arm.
Janet: Did you get the job or not, Jack?
Jack: Uh, uh, uh… Janet I’m gonna be following in the footsteps of some of our greatest chefs.
Janet: Oh, he got it! He’s a chef.
Jack: Wait a minute.
Janet: Jack, you are fantastic.
Jack: Wait Janet.
Larry: Yeah, Jack, you are fantastic.
Larry pulls Janet to his body and hugs her tightly.
Larry: You were worried about Jack quitting his job.
Janet: Well, come on. There’s not exactly a lot of openings out there for chefs. I mean, it’s not as if he was applying for a job as a busboy or something.
Jack: Busboy. Right.
They all laugh.
Jack: Oh, my, my, my look at what time it is. It’s so late, it’s almost six o’clock. Well, as I always say, it can never be too early for your first day at work. Excuse me, I just came by to get my, um… chef shoes.
Larry: Wait a second, aren’t you forgetting something? Your date with Bonnie Chamberlain?
Jack: My da—my date with Bonnie! I forgot! Listen, I better call her. Oh, no, I just remembered. We were gonna meet each other at the Regal Beagle right after work.
Larry: No problemo. I’m on my way down there anyway, I’ll explain to her about your job.
Jack: No, Larry, don’t.
Larry: What? Oh, Jack. What are you thinking? What? I’m gonna take advantage of this opportunity to make a play for Bonnie myself?
Larry: It’s not a bad idea.
Janet: Tell us about your new job.
Jack: Well, I, um… I uh, I gotta go.
Larry: Gee, he sure is in a hurry.
Janet: Yeah. Well, you know how it is, first night on a new job. Larry, I’d love to be there but I bet Lucien’s cost a fortune.
Larry: Are you kidding? They don’t park the customers cars. They take them as down payments. I don’t want to miss Bonnie. Thanks again for the vacuum cleaner.
Janet: Sure, any time. Bye.
Chrissy: Hello Janet is that you?
Chrissy: Oh, I’m sorry, Christy. I must have the wrong number.
Janet: No, no, no, please don’t hang up. It’s me, Janet. How’s your mom?
Chrissy: Oh, she’s getting much better.
Janet: Oh, good.
Chrissy: Yeah. She says with me around here telling her all about Santa Monica and the apartment, and you and me, and me and Jack, and you and Jack, and Jack and Mr. Furley, she’s forgotten all about the pain in her side.
Janet: That’s good.
Chrissy: Yeah, except now he has a headache.
Janet: Hey, Chrissy, guess what? Jack is starting a brand new job tonight as chef at a very posh restaurant.
Chrissy: Ahh! Oh, I’m so sorry I can’t be there.
Janet: Oh, yeah, me too. But I’m down to my last six bucks. Boy, I wish I knew somebody who owed me money, then I could collect.
Chrissy: Hey, I know somebody who owes you money.
Janet: You do, Chrissy? Who, who?
Janet: Yeah, but you’re 300 miles away.
Chrissy: Oh, that’s right. I wish I was back at the apartment. Then all I’d have to do is find somebody to borrow $20 from, and then I could pay you back.
Chrissy: Can’t you find somebody to take you?
Janet: Ooh, is that a good idea. That’s a really good idea, Chrissy. But where am I gonna find somebody who can afford an expensive restaurant like that and who doesn’t have anything to do on Saturday night, and who is absolutely desperate for a date?
Mr. Furley walks in.
Mr. Furley: Janet?
Janet: Gotta hang up, Chrissy. Your idea just walked in.
Janet hangs up.
Janet: Well, come in Mr. Furley. Come on. My, don’t you look nice. All dressed up with no place to go?
Mr. Furley: I’ve been where I’m going.
Janet: Mr. Furley, what’s the matter?
Mr. Furley: That’s the last time I make a date to got to a restaurant with a liberated woman.
Janet: Why? What did she do? She didn’t let you pull the chair out?
Mr. Furley mumbles.
Mr. Furley: No, no…
Janet: She didn’t let you light her cigarette? She didn’t let you order?
Mr. Furley: She didn’t show up!
Janet: Well, golly! Why don’t you just forget about her, Mr. Furley. There are a lot of girls out there who’d like to go to dinner with you.
Mr. Furley: You’re darn right there are. Name one.
Mr. Furley: You?
Mr. Furley laughs.
Mr. Furley: You and me?
Mr. Furley: Go out together, just the two of us?
Mr. Furley: I like it.
Mr. Furley puts one arm around Janet.
Janet: You know Mr. Furley. I know this terrific French restaurant that has a great new chef.
Mr. Furley: French restaurant? Oh, gee, I don’t know. Why don’t we go to some cheap—a Chinese place.
Janet: Well, but Mr. Furley this is Jack’s first night as chef at Lucien’s.
Mr. Furley: Oh, I get it. You just want me along to pay the bill. You can’t fool me.
Janet: Oh, no. Yeah, I just thought that you would probably want to go to the hottest pick-up spot on town.
Mr. Furley: You have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool—pick-up spot?
Janet: Yeah. Lucien’s is just crawling with girls looking for dates.
Mr. Furley: Huh, sounds great! Au revoir!
Janet: Hey, wait a minute. Whoa, whoa. Stop, stop, Mr. Furley. Aren’t you going to take me?
Mr. Furley: What do I need you for?
Mr. Furley: Bait?
Janet: Uh-huh. Come on, you know that when a man walks in a room with a girl in his arm all the other girls are twice as interested in him.
Mr. Furley: Oh, I don’t know Janet. You’ll cramp my style. I like to walk into a place alone, you know? Sidle up to the bar. Sidle to the chick who’s lucky enough to be sitting next to me and say, “Hi, good loolin’. What’s cookin’?” Then she says to me…then she says to me. Well, Janet, what are you waiting for? Get dressed!
Janet: Oh, thank you!
Jack’s setting up a table at Lucien’s.
Maitre ‘d: Tripper!
Jack gets startled and messes up the table.
Jack: Well, you should have been here a minute ago.
Maitre ‘d: Tripper…you are a busboy not a brain surgeon.
Jack: Want me to go faster?
Maitre ‘d: Oh, so bright. Why, on table number four, are there wilted flowers?
Jack: Beats me. They say if you talk to them they can grow—
Maitre ‘d: Replace them!
Man: You know dear, I think I’ll try the salmon poach.
Jack: Uh, excuse me. If I were you, I’d have the sole musseline the chef here uses too much heat for the salmon.
Man: Well, I don’t like the sole musseline.
Jack: Well, you won’t like the salmon either. May I recommend for you the veal lestragone?
Maitre ‘d: Excuse me.
The maitre ‘d pulls Jack aside.
Maitre ‘d: If you open your mouth one more time, it will be the last.
Jack: Yeah, but that—
Maitre ‘d: No! Get back to work.
Jack: I’m sorry.
Janet and Mr. Furley arrive at the restaurant.
Janet: Oh, my…isn’t this lovely?
Mr. Furley: Yeah, where are the girls?
Janet: Mr. Furley…
Mr. Furley: Where are the girls?
Janet: Mr. Furley, later. They’ll get here later. It’s a little early yet.
Mr. Furley: Well, when they do, you better stand back. I don’t want you getting crushed in the stampede.
Maitre ‘d: Good evening. Do you have a reservation?
Janet: Oh, no. But we’re friends of the chef.
Maitre ‘d: You’re friends of Jacques?
Janet: Ooh, did you hear that? He called Jack “Jacques”.
Mr. Furley: Who cares? Where are the girls?
Janet: Mr. Furley!
Maitre ‘d arrives with the menu.
Janet: Do you think it’s possible to get a table?
Maitre ‘d: For friends of Jacques, of course. This way.
Jack sees Janet and Mr. Furley. He sits down at the table of the old couple.
Jack: Hi, how are we doing so far? Having a good time?
Maitre ‘d: Your menu, Monsieur.
Mr. Furley: Oh, thank you. Where are the girls.
Maitre ‘d: Madame.
Janet: Thank you.
Larry arrives at the restaurant with his date. Jack sees them and runs to another table and starts wiping the man’s shoe.
Jack: I noticed that you have a smudge on your shoe. Let me get that.
Bonnie: This looks like a real exclusive restaurant. Do you think we can get in without a reservation?
Larry: Hey, Bonnie, I told you. Jack is the chef here. They’ll be practically falling over themselves to please us.
Larry snaps fingers.
Larry: You. Name is Larry. I’ve a very close, personal friend of the chef’s.
Maitre ‘d: You know Jacques?
Larry: What, are you kidding? I know him so well, I call him Jack.
Maitre ‘d: This way please.
Larry: What did I tell you.
The maitre ‘d leads them to their table.
Maitre ‘d: Madame. Monsieur. Here’s your menu.
Larry: Great, pal, thanks a lot.
A waiter taps Jack who’s been hiding and watching Larry and Bonnie. Jack gets startled and accidentally rings the bell.
Jack: Pardon me.
Jack: No thanks I’m not thirsty.
Garson: For that table.
Jack: For that, for that, for that –
Jack: Excuse me, this needs a refill. I’m sorry.
Jack takes a lamp and uses it to hide his face as he walks and brings water to Janet’s table.
Janet: Boy, oh, boy, my French is really rusty.
Mr. Furley: Well, lucky for you I’m here.
Janet: Mr. Furley, you speak French?
Mr. Furley: Do I speak French? Isn’t French the language of love? Garson.
Garson: Oui, monsieur.
Garson speaks French.
Mr. Furley: Huh?
Garson: You wish to order?
Mr. Furley: Oh, yeah. Uh, well, we’ll start out with these escar-gats. And then we’ll have the soup du “jer”. And then we’ll have this mouse line sole.
Garson: Pardon. Madame seems to have your menu. The one with the prices. What else, monsieur?
Mr. Furley: Uh, on second thought, cancel that order. We don’t want al that heavy food, do we, Janet?
Janet: Well, uh…
Mr. Furley: No, we’ll just have a dinner salad.
Garson: Two dinner salads.
Mr. Furley: One salad, two plates.
Janet; And a lot of bread.
The waiter leaves and goes to Jack.
Garson: Tripper. Bread for that table.
Jack goes back to the old couple’s table with the bread.
Jack: Hi again. Excuse me. Could you pass these to that next table?
Jack: Huh? Well, it’s a family-style restaurant.
The man taps Janet and hands her the bread
Janet: Thank you.
At Larry’s table, another waiter takes Larry’s orders.
Larry: Yeah, and uh…to wash it all down I’ll have a bottle of your best champagne.
Bonnie: Larry, are you sure you can afford all this?
Larry: Hey, hey, hey. Nothing is too good for a friend of Jack’s. Just uh, give the check to the chef.
Jack has been hiding behind a divider and watching his friends.
Jack falls down the divider.
Jack: Yes, sir.
Garson: You forgot the butter.
Jack tries to hide by bending down and takes the butter. He walks behind Garson.
Garson: One dinner salad and two plates.
Janet: Thank you.
Mr. Furley: Some wild spot. I probably won’t be able to eat…
Jack tries to sneak the butter by throwing it on their plates.
Mr. Furley: with all the excitement.
Janet: Won’t it exciting seeing Jack as a chef?
Jack throws another slice of butter and it lands near Janet’s plate.
Garson leaves and Jack walks on his knees away from Janet’s table.
Janet: I wish we could see him right now.
Mr. Furley: We can. Why don’t we go in the kitchen and surprise him?
Mr. Furley: What was that?
Jack: I’ll give you a clean one. Excuse me.
Jack takes the old man’s napkin. Jack ties the napkin around his neck.
Janet: Look. Jack? What are you doing out here?
Jack: Look who’s here. Imagine my surprise. Excuse me just one second. I’m checking this gentleman’s wine. Mmm. Excellent choice. Impudent vintage, with just the right amount of nose.
The man grabs the bottle of wine from Jack.
Jack: I’m so glad you came. I hope you enjoyed your meal. So long.
Janet: No, Jack, we haven’t finished yet.
Mr. Furley: Yeah. Besides, I want to get your picture.
Janet: I asked Mr. Furley to bring along his camera.
Larry: Janet, Mr. Furley? I thought that was you.
Janet: Larry, hi!
Jack: Larry! What are you doing here?
Larry: You think I’d miss your debut performance? I even brought Bonnie along with me.
Bonnie: Hi, Jack!
Jack: Oh, I’ll never forget you for this, Larry.
Mr. Furley: Take a group picture over there.
Jack: I’ve got so many things on the stove.
Garson: Tripper. I had to clear table six.
Jack: And it’s about time too.
Mr. Furley: Cheese!
The flash surprises Jack and he knocks down Garson.
Maitre ‘d: What is going on here?
Mr. Furley: I was taking a picture of my friend, and that dumb waiter got in the way.
Maitre ‘d: Your friend? I might have known. Get out! All of you, out! And take this stupid busboy with you!
Jack walks out. Later that night, Jack returns home.
Janet, Larry and Mr. Furley enter the living room.
Jack: It’s late. What are you guys still doing up?
Janet: We wanted to talk to you.
Jack: Uh, I don’t really feel too much like talking.
Janet: Jack…how come you didn’t tell us you were working as a busboy?
Jack: I didn’t want to brag.
Janet: Don’t you know that we like you because of what you are, not because of what you do?
Jack: Yeah, thanks. Listen, I really have to go to –
Larry: Wait a second, buddy. Now listen, hold it. Hold it, all right. Even some of the great chefs in the world had to start some place.
Mr. Furley: That’s right. Look at Abraham Lincoln. He started out by chopping down cherry trees in Kentucky.
Janet: Mr. Furley. That’s Washington.
Mr. Furley: Washington, Kentucky. What’s the difference? I’m trying to make a point here.
Jack: If you’ll excuse me, I really have to get some sleep.
Janet: No, wait. I want to tell you something.
Janet: You are our very best friend, Jack. And you’re the brightest, smartest guy that we know.
Jack: Thanks, but I—
Janet: So why are you acting like such an idiot?
Janet: Jack, who’s the one who graduated first in his cooking class?
Jack: Well, I did, but that was a long time –
Janet: And who is the one who’s won all those awards for his cooking?
Jack: Yeah, well…
Janet: Yeah, yeah, well. And who is the one that Dean Travers recommended for this job?
Jack: I guess I’m a pretty good cook at that.
Larry: What, pretty good? You’re the greatest.
Jack: No, I’m not the greatest…
Mr. Furley: You are, you are!
Jack: I am, I am!
Janet: Okay, don’t you forget it.
Jack: Okay, okay.
Janet: Okay. Now that’s been settled, let’s go and have a celebration dinner.
Jack: What celebration dinner?
Janet: Come on.
The three lead Jack to the kitchen.
Mr. Furley: We all pitched in and cooked up your favorite dish.
Jack: Ho. Ho.
Janet shows Jack the pot with the dish.
Jack: Oh. Mmm, what is that?
Janet: That’s coq au vin.
Jack: It is? It is. It is. Oh, sure. Yeah, good old coq au vin. Oh, you shouldn’t have.
Larry: Oh sure, we should have. Nothing’s too good for our best friend.
Janet hands Jack a ladle.
Jack: Oh, oh, thanks. Gee, you’ve all been so wonderful. Can I ask you to do one more thing for me?
Larry: Just name it, buddy.
Jack: Please don’t make me eat this.
Larry: Come on!
Jack takes a scoop of coq au vin and faints.
Mr. Furley: We’ll see you later. Take it easy.
Jack: Bye. Thanks for dinner. That’s the first time I’ve ever had coq au vin made with real cocoa before.
Janet: Hey, you’re not still depressed, are you?
Jack: Well Janet, the fact remains that I had to take a job as a busboy, you know?
Janet: So what? Jack, stop putting yourself down. Hey, if I had to wash dishes or take out garbage or clear tables, I would do the very best that I could, and I’d be proud of it.
Jack: You really mean that?
Jack: Good, then you clean up this mess. I have to get some sleep.
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Room At The Bottom” episode was written by Martin Rips and Joseph Staretski. Three’s Company is a registered Service Mark of Three’s Company (California Joint Venture of The NRW Company and T.T.C. Productions, Inc.)
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