Jack: Do you like it?
Jack hands Janet a necklace with a cameo.
Janet: Jack! Oh, Jack, it’s beautiful. Well, how sweet. But what’s the occasion?
Jack: My mother’s birthday.
Janet: Oh, it’s very nice.
Jack; Oh, thank you.
Jack: Thank you, thank you. I’m gonna give it to her tomorrow.
Janet: What, you’re gonna go down to San Diego?
Jack: Yeah, if I can borrow Larry’s car. You wanna come with me?
Janet: Oh, Jack, I would love to, but who’s gonna watch the shop? I’m supposed to work.
Jack: Oh, that’s too bad. My mom thinks the only girls I know are empty-headed playmates.
Janet: What made her think that?
Jack: When she met ‘em. Anyway, she’s always on my case to forget the looks and find a girl with brains. You sure you can’t make it?
Janet: You are skating on thin ice, Jack.
Chrissy comes running from outside..
Chrissy: Jack, Janet! You’ll never guess who I ran into today!
Janet: Chrissy, you left the door open.
Chrissy: Oh, that’s okay. My friend Darlene is paying the taxicab driver. You’ll never guess it in a million years!
Jack: Your friend Darlene?
Chrissy: How’d you guess?
Janet: Who’s Darlene?
Chrissy: You remember. I told you all about her. I went to high school with her in Fresno.
Janet: You did?
Chrissy: Yeah, remember that girl I told you about who was always so miserable ‘cause she never thought she’d get anywhere?
Janet: That was Darlene?
Chrissy: No, that was me. Darlene is the one who told me I had as much brains as anybody else, and I’d better use them or lose them.
Jack: So what’d you do?
Janet slaps Jack’s hand.
Jack: Excuse me.
Chrissy: I listened to her. Darlene was always so smart, all the kids in school used to call her Einstein.
Jack: Oh, that’s wonderful.
Chrissy: Yeah. She was captain of the debating team and president of the honors society and our class valedictorian.
Janet: Gosh Chrissy, what’d she do for fun?
Chrissy: She sang in the church choir.
Janet: She sang in the church choir.
Jack: Well, I can’t wait to meet this one.
Chrissy: Well, you’re gonna meet her real soon because she’s gonna be staying with us.
Chrissy: She was supposed to be in town for a convention, but the hotel lost her reservation.
Jack: Oh great! So you invited Miss Einstein to stay here.
Chrissy: Well, it’s only for a few days.
Jack: Chrissy, it’s crowded enough with just the three of us.
Chrissy: I didn’t think you’d mind.
Janet: Really, Jack, it’s no big deal. She could sleep here on the sofa.
Darlene arrives at the apartment.
Jack gets sight of the beautiful Darlene.
Jack: The sofa? I won’t hear of it. Chrissy’s friend can stay in my room. Oh, hello. Who’s that?
Chrissy: Come here, I want you to meet my friends. This is Janet and this is Jack.
Darlene: How do you do?
Jack takes Darlene’s hand.
Jack: Chrissy, Chrissy, Chrissy. How come you never told us about Darlene?
Janet: Don’t listen to him. Chrissy talks about you all the time, especially about how you helped her.
Darlene: Has she told you how she helped me?
Darlene: Well, if it wasn’t for Chrissy, I never would’ve graduated with honors. As a matter of fact, I probably never would’ve cracked a book my whole senior year.
Janet: Really? What did she do?
Darlene: She stole all my boyfriends.
Jack gives a patronizing laugh.
Darlene: Could I have my hand back?
Jack: I’m sorry, I’m getting so forgetful.
Jack kisses her hand and lets go.
Jack: Excuse me.
Chrissy: I warned you about Jack.
Jack: Oh, come on, Chrissy. That’s not very nice. Didn’t I offer to let Darlene use my room?
Darlene: Oh, no, I couldn’t ask you to do that, Jack. I mean where would you sleep?
Jack: Well, actually, it’s a rather large room, so I thought –
Jack: I thought that I would sleep on our friend Mr. Sofa right here.
Janet: Right there.
Jack: Excuse me, why don’t I go straighten up my room. I mean, your room. Excuse me.
Jack walks to his room and stunbles.
Chrissy: See what I mean?
Janet: Yes, but you don’t have to worry, he’s really quite harmless.
Chrissy: Yeah, and he’s funny. You should see some of the tricks he pulls on us.
Janet: Yeah. On second thought, you’d better keep your door locked.
Darlene: I’ll keep that in mind.
Darlene goes to Jack’s room.
Chrissy: Isn’t she terrific?
Janet: Oh, Chrissy, you’re the on who’s terrific.
Janet: Well, I’ll tell you. If I ran into an old high-school friend and she was dressed like that – you know, a Gucci bag, Romano boots, the Dior blouse – I would be green with envy, and you’re not the slightest bit jealous.
Chrissy: Why, that’s silly? Why would I be jealous? Is that really a Gucci bag?
Jack enters the living room arm-in-arm with Darlene.
Jack: Oh now, you remember, Darlene, if there’s anything you want, you come out here and just wake me up. And I’m talking anything at all.
Darlene: Jack, you are very kind.
Janet: Kind of nauseating.
Darlene: Is, um – is there a telephone here that I could use?
Chrissy: Yeah, it’s right over here.
Darlene: Oh, uh, is that the only phone?
Chrissy: How many do you need?
Janet: No, see, I think Darlene means she’d like a little privacy. Let’s go heat up some coffee.
Chrissy: Oh, okay.
Jack: Darlene, I will get the number for you. I don’t want you to bruise your pretty little fingers.
Darlene: Oh. Jack? It’s personal.
Jack: Oh, I’m sorry. Here you go.
Jack gets entangled with the phone’s cord.
Jack: Whoops, hang on. Low bridge.
Darlene: Whoop, oh.
Jack: Got it?
Darlene: Yeah, thanks.
Jack: I’ll just uh, put your suitcase in my –
Jack bumps the suitcase at the door.
Darlene: Hello, Doris. Hi, it’s Darlene. I can be reached at 555-6350. Are there any calls? Who? Fred Jones. How come all the Johns are always named “Jones”? Yeah. How much? Are you kidding? Listen, Doris. You tell him that if he wants me, my price is $100. You got it? Great. I’ll talk to you later.
Jack reappears at the living room.
Jack: Are you free?
Jack: I just, uh – just thought you might like to go down to the Regal Beagle.
Darlene: The Regal –
Jack: It’s our pub.
Darlene: Now? I just got here.
Jack: Hey, you now, the best cure for jet lag is a little glass of Vino.
Darlene: Well, I don’t know, Jack. I haven’t had a chance to talk to Chrissy –
Jack: Oh, you guys will have plenty of time together. We’ll be back in ten, twenty minutes. What do you say?
Darlene: Well, I –
Jack drags Darlene out the door.
Janet: Hey, hey. Where you going?
Jack: Uh, Darlene wanted to see the Regal Beagle.
Chrissy: Well, what about us?
Jack: You’ve seen it lots of times.
Jack has drinks with Darlene at the Regal Beagle.
Jack: So then, Janet and Chrissy asked me to move in with them. And except for a few minor irritations, everything’s worked out perfectly.
Darlene: Oh. And there’s, um, nothing going on between you?
Jack: No, that’s one of the irritations. Say, Darlene, how would you like to drive down to San Diego with me tomorrow?
Darlene: San Diego?
Jack: Yes, see it’s my mother’s birthday, and I was wondering –
Larry sees Jack with Darlene.
Larry: We-he-he-he-ell…hello there.
Larry joins them and sits beside Darlene.
Larry: Hi, I’m Larry. Jack’s best friend, his buddy and his pal.
Jack: Larry, get lost.
Larry: See what I mean?
Jack: Darlene, this is no friend of mine.
Larry: Don’t listen to him, darling.
Jack: That’s Darlene.
Larry: Darlene? What a lovely name. Whatever do you do Darlene.
Jack: Don’t you think that’s a touch personal?
Larry: You’re right. I’ll wait until we’re alone.
Larry takes Darlene’s hand.
Jack: Hey, Larry, knock it off.
Larry: Bartender just told me this terrific joke. Seems this traveling salesman stopped by this farmhouse –
Jack: Larry, I don’t think Darlene wants to hear any off-color jokes.
Larry: Gotcha. Seems this traveling minister stopped by this farmhouse –
Jack: Larry, will you knock it off?
Darlene: It’s all right, Jack. I have to be going anyway. I’m expecting a phone call.
Jack: And not a moment too soon. Listen, Darlene, I’ll walk you back.
Darlene: Oh, no, Jack, stay. I can find my way back, really.
Jack: Okay, um, what about San Diego tomorrow?
Darlene: Oh, um, I’m going to have to let you know.
Darlene: Goodbye, Larry.
Larry: No, not goodbye. Until we meet again, without Jack.
Larry takes Darlene’s hand and kisses it. Darlene wrestles Larry’s arm.
Jack: Serves you right.
Larry: San Diego, huh? You sure do move fast, pal.
Jack: Larry –
Larry: Hey look, I know this nice quiet rendezvous just outside the city –
Jack: Will you cool it? She’s not that kind of girl.
Jack: As a matter of fact, she used to sing in a church choir.
Larry: That’s no problem Jack. This place is way out on the beach. No one will hear her.
Back at the apartment, Chrissy and Janet are cleaning the house.
Chrissy: Yeah, and all through high school Darlene helped me with my English, and my History and my Algebra.
Janet: Well, that’s nice.
Chrissy: And I helped her on the more important things.
Janet: Yeah, like what?
Chrissy: I taught her how to say no.
Chrissy goes to the bedroom and Janet starts watering the plants at the balcony. The phone starts to ring.
Janet: Chrissy! Chrissy?
Janet answers the phone.
Janet: Hello? Fred Jones? Huh? What do you mean, what do you get for a $100. Hey. Is this one of those game show quizzes? Yeah. Huh?
Darlene arrives at the apartment.
Janet: Well, what do you expect for $100? What? Hey! Hey! Hey! Listen, Fred, you’re a creep!
Janet hangs u, but Darlene stops her..
Darlene: I think that’s for me.
Janet; No, um –
Darlene: Hello, Fred? Ah yes, this is Darlene. No, no, that was a new girl. Fred, Fred, give me the number of your hotel room and I’ll meet you there after the party. Fine. I’ll see you there. Bye.
Janet: You’re a – a – uh –
Darlene: Call girl.
Janet: Oh – well, well.
Janet: Well. Well, well, imagine that?
Darlene: Janet, I didn’t mean to shake you up.
Janet: Who, me? Why would you shake me up? It’s none of my business.
Darlene: Then you’re not gonna tell Chrissy?
Janet: Who me? Tell Chrissy? That someone that she’s been bragging about that she really likes is a – uh – oh.
Darlene: What’s the matter? Can’t you even say it?
Janet: Not to Chrissy. I don’t think she could handle it.
Darlene: Hmm. But you can?
Janet: Oh sure, definitely. I mean, you know, I feel that, well, you’re old enough to know what you’re doing. So, I’m not gonna make any moral judgements.
Darlene: Thank you.
Janet: If you want to throw your life way down the gutter that’s your business. It’s just I don’t understand how you could sell yourself to just any guy?
Darlene: Any guy? What do you think I am? A hooker.
Janet: Hooker, call girl, what’s the difference?
Darlene: Hookers don’t drive Ferraris.
Janet: Oh. Oh. Oh. You know, though, Chrissy said that you’re real bright. You know, how everybody called you Einstein.
Darlene: That’s right.
Janet: Well, couldn’t you have found a better job? I mean, a girl with your brains –
Darlene: Is smart enough to know where the real money is. Oh look, I’d like to chat with you longer, but I really have to get ready for work.
Chrissy: So soon? I was hoping we could talk. I want to hear all about your job.
Darlene: Why don’t you ask Janet?
Janet: Well! Um – we’re out of coffee. I’m going down to Furley’s to get some.
Chrissy: Can’t you tell me first?
Janet: Well because, there’s really not much to tell, because it’s not really much of a job.
Chrissy: But what about all those Guccis and Poochies?
Janet: Well, yes, yes, uh, she does make a lot of money.
Janet: How? Well, see, Chrissy, you know how at big conventions there are always a lot of men and they’re lonely and Darlene just helps them relax. Yeah, she’s, uh, kind of a hostess.
Chrissy: Oh, you mean like an airline stewardess.
Janet: Yeah, like an airline stewardess. She gets around a lot. I mean, she does a lot of traveling.
Janet: Oh, really. It’s a real hustle. Hassle! Real big hassle, Chrissy. I’m gonna get down there and get that coffee, okay?
Janet leaves. Darlene enters the living room wearing a gorgeous evening dress.
Chrissy: Wow. You look beautiful.
Darlene: Think it’s too much Chrissy?
Chrissy: Not for you job.
Chrissy: Well, Janet told me all about it.
Darlene: Oh, I didn’t think she’d say anything.
Chrissy: Why? I think what you do is wonderful.
Darlene: You do?
Chrissy: Yeah. In fact, I’d like to take a try at it myself.
Chrissy: Well, I know it will take a while for me to get the hang of it. But if you let me watch you work, I know I could do it.
Darlene: Um, Chrissy, uh, I don’t really think it’s for you.
Chrissy: Hey, it can’t be anymore difficult than what I’m already doing in my own job. You ought to see some of the things my boss asks me to do. Especially when we’ve got out-of-town buyers.
Darlene: I never would have believed it.
Chrissy: Least you get paid for it. All I ever get’s a free dinner.
Darlene: Chrissy, Chrissy, you sure have changed.
Chrissy: Haven’t we all.
Chrissy: Darlene, let me go with you tonight. I know I can do it.
Darlene: Well, I don’t know Chrissy if you’re really serious.
Chrissy: I am, I am, let’s go okay?
Chrissy opens the door to find Jack.
Jack: Whoa, hey, what’s the hurry?
Chrissy: We can’t talk, Jack. We have to go to work.
Chrissy: Yeah, Darlene’s taking me to the convention.
Jack: Well, have fun. Darlene? Are we on for tomorrow?
Darlene: Yes. And I’m looking forward to it, Jack.
Jack: “Yes, and I’m looking forward to it, Jack.”
Jack yelps then sings.
Jack: “I want a girl just like the girl who married dear old dad.”
Jack picks up the phone.
Jack: Hi, mom? This is Jack. No, I wasn’t crying, mother. I was singing. Mom, don’t make any plans tomorrow. I’m coming down to see you. Yeah. Yeah, and I’m bringing someone special. Her name is Darlene.
Janet who has just returned makes her way to the kitchen and overhears Jack’s conversation with his mother. She drops the bottle of coffee.
Jack: She’s the kind of girl you always wanted me to bring home. She’s a kind of small-town girl, very sweet, and
Janet gestures for Jack to stop his conversation. Jack misunderstands her hand signal.
Jack: very safe? And very nice. In fact, she’s a lot like you. Listen mom, I don’t want to sell her to you over the phone. You’ll be able to judge her tomorrow. I’ll see you later, mom. I gotta go, bye! Would you mind explaining yourself?
Jack: Was it so important that it couldn’t wait?
Janet: Jack! Darlene is a $100-a-night call girl.
Jack: I don’t care. When a guy’s talking to his mo-o-other – caaaaall giiiiirl?
Janet: That’s right.
Jack: She can’t be. I mean, Miss Einstein.
Janet: So, she’s a smart call girl.
Jack: I don’t believe it.
Janet: Believe it, Jack. She told me so herself. And we can’t let Chrissy know.
Jack: Well, if Chrissy doesn’t already know. She’s about to find out.
Janet: What do you mean?
Jack: She went off to work with Darlene!
Jack: They left two minutes ago!
Janet: Oh, oooh! We have to go get her!
Jack: Wait, wait, Janet, wait. What are we getting so excited about?
Jack: Chrissy’s not about to do anything crazy.
Janet: Oh, right.
Jack: She’s a sweet, nice, innocent girl. Which is exactly what those guys at the convention are looking for.
Janet: Aah, you get Larry’s car. I’ll get my purse.
Jack: Let’s go.
In their panic, they keep bumping at each other.
Janet: Oh. No.
Jack: Hey, Janet grab my jacket.
Jack opens the door and Larry enters.
Jack: Larry, just in time. Darlene’s a call girl.
Larry: Could you run that by me again?
Jack: She’s a $100-a-night call girl. Nah, there’s no time to explain, so please, Larry, I need your help.
Larry: Gee, I’d love to, Jack, but I’m down to my last $3.
At the convention, Chrissy comes up to the bar full of men.
Chrissy: Is anybody here lonely?
Old man: Do you, uh, think you can help us out?
Chrissy: Well, that’s what I’m here for.
Old man: Oh, then you’re, uh, working here tonight.
Chrissy: Well, yes and no. I mean, I’m working, but I’m not getting paid.
Old man: You’re not?
Chrissy: No. This is my first time.
Old man: Have some champagne.
The men let Chrissy sit. Jack and Janet arrive.
Jack: Where is she? I don’t see her.
Janet: Jack, please calm down.
Jack: I am calm!
Man enters and walks over to the receptionist.
Mr. Swackhammer: I, uh – I’m sorry, miss. I seem to have lost my nametag.
Receptionist: Oh, you don’t need a name tag Mr. Swackhammer.
Mr. Swackhammer: Oh, thank you.
Jack: Follow me. Excuse me, Miss, I left my name tag upstairs.
Receptionist: I’m sorry, but you can’t get in without one.
Jack: But you let that guy in.
Receptionist: Mr. Swackhammer? He’s chairman of the board.
A drunken man runs into Jack.
Drunk: Wonderful party.
Jack: Oh, great, having fun, buddy?
Drunk: Just great. How about you?
Jack: I’m fine. Listen, why don’t we step outside for a breath of fresh air?
Janet: Jack? Jack?
Jack leaves with the man for a minute and returns with his name tag.
Jack: What do you know? I didn’t leave it upstairs after all.
Receptionist: Oh, go right in, Mr. Blake.
Jack: Mr. who?
Jack: Oh, yes.
Janet: Jack, there she is.
Jack: Oh, good.
As they go over to the bar where Chrissy is, a call girl approaches Jack.
Call girl: Hi there. Can I help you?
Jack: I’m looking for a girl.
Call girl: You certainly came to the right place.
A salesman approaches Janet.
Man: Pardon me, miss.
Man: Have you seen my wife?
Man: Good, then I’ll buy you a drink.
Salesman drags Janet. Jack sees her and grabs her.
Jack: Are you here to have fun, or to find Chrissy?
Jack: There she is.
Jack bumps into an old man.
Old man: Charley, Charley Blake.
Old man: I’ve been waiting to meet you.
Old man: Top vice president of sales.
Jack: That’s me.
Old man grabs Jack by his jacket.
Old man: And the biggest phony of the bunch!
Old man: You don’t even answer my phone calls. Now, what the hell happened to that shipment I ordered?
Jack: Shipement? Ah, oh, oh! The ship – tomorrow. Tomorrow your shipment will come in, or my name is not uh, uh Charley Blake.
Old man: It better be there.
Jack: You got it.
Janet: Are you here to make business deals, or to save Chrissy?
Jack: Cut it out Janet.
Janet: Oh, look, look, Jack. There she is.
Chrissy is at the bar with one hand over her eyes.
Chrissy: And the winner is…
Chrissy picks from a set of keys.
Chrissy: Room 104.
Man: That’s my room! Haha! Let’s go.
Chrissy: Where are we going?
Jack: Nowhere! Come here, Chrissy.
Chrissy: Come here, Chrissy.
Jack: Game’s over, mister.
Man: Wait a minute, buddy. You’re not taking her anywhere.
Jack: Hang on. Hey, it’s not for me. Mr. Swackhammer sent for her.
Chrissy: Hey, what are you guys doing here?
Janet: Chrissy come on. You have to – it’s past your bedtime.
Chrissy: But I don’t want to go to bed.
Jack: That’s why we’re taking you home.
Janet and Jack drag Chrissy out of the convention.
The following day…
Jack: Darlene, anything I can help you with?
Darlene: No, thanks, Jack. I’m all packed.
Darlene: Gee, I’m sorry we didn’t get a chance to see your mother.
Jack: Uh, yeah, well, uh, it’s too bad, she got bitten by that old flu bug.
Darlene: I thought it was arthritis.
Jack: Oh, yeah, well, that’s, well, where it bit her, in her arthritis.
Janet comes running into the apartment.
Janet: Darlene, Darlene, you cab’s down there.
Janet hands Darlene her suitcase.
Janet: Here you go.
Darlene: Uh, don’t you think I should wait and say goodbye to Chrissy?
Janet: No, no, huh-uh. No see, she’s gonna be gone for a very long time.
Jack: Yeah, maybe longer. When she goes shopping, she’s off for hours and hours.
On their way out, Chrissy arrives.
Jack: My, how time flies.
Chrissy: I’m so glad I got to see you before you left. Do you really have to move in to the hotel?
Darlene: Yes Chrissy, I do. And it’ll be closer to my work.
Chrissy: Aww. Well, I just want you to know, I really had a good time last night. Everyone was so friendly.
Darlene: Friendly. Isn’t she priceless?
Jack: Yes, she is and she is gonna stay that way.
Taxicab horn honks.
Darlene: Oh, well, it’s time to go.
Chrissy: Well, goodbye. Have a good time at the convention.
Darlene: Chrissy. Yeah.
Chrissy: Bye. Oh. Poor Darlene. She really puts up a front, doesn’t she?
Janet: She does?
Chrissy: Oh, come on. She may have fooled you two, but she didn’t fool me.
Jack: She didn’t?
Chrissy: No. She’s not really happy doing what she’s doing.
Janet: She’s not.
Chrissy: Of course not. What she needs is a man.
Moments later, Chrissy’s writing a birthday card..
Jack: Come on, Chrissy. Mother’s expecting us by 3:30.
Chrissy: Ok, just a minute.
Jack: It’s a two-hour drive to San Diego, remember?
Chrissy: Don’t hurry me. I’m trying to write a birthday card to your mother.
Jack: Chrissy, please.
Chrissy: Okay, okay, okay. Just listen to this.
Janet enters the living room.
Jack: As though we had a choice.
Chrissy: M is for the mother of our very best friend. O is for Oh, she really is. T is for the tender care she gave him. H is for –
Jack: Hurry up.
Chrissy: No, H is for heart so pure.
Jack: Put it all together and it spells “MOTH”. Okay, good, Chrissy. Let’s go, all right? Let’s move it, come one, please.
Chrissy: I’ll finish it in the car.
Janet: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Did you ever bother to tell you mother that we all live together?
Jack: Uh, no.
Janet: Well, Jack. Maybe we better not go.
Jack: Well, uh, I’m gonna tell her today.
Janet: Yeah, isn’t that gonna be a bit of a shock for her?
Jack: No, because my mother is very broad-mined and liberal. She’s as modern as they come.
Jack: There’s just one thing though. She happens to be very nearsighted.
Jack: So if I introduce you as Dave and you as Tom, just play along with it, okay?
Janet and Chrissy: Jack!
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “A Hundred Dollars A What?” episode was written by George Burditt. Three’s Company is a registered Service Mark of Three’s Company (California Joint Venture of The NRW Company and T.T.C. Productions, Inc.)
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