Janet is eating at the Regal Beagle when Larry arrives.
Janet: Hmm. Thank you.
Larry: Hiya, Janet.
Janet; Hi, Lar.
Larry: Are we all set for this weekend?
Janet: Yeah, Jack’s making reservations for Catalina. Is that okay?
Larry: Catalina? Sounds great!
Janet: Yeah? Good. Take a look at this. Check it out.
Jack arrives at the pb.
Larry: Hey, Jacko, we all set for this weekend?
Jack: Oh, gee guys, I’m afraid I can’t make it after all.
Janet: What? Come on, you have to.
Larry: Yeah, I mean with Chrissy away, and you not going. How much fun can Janet and I have alone?
Larry: I was just checking.
Jack: Listen, I really hate canceling out on you guys at the last second, but something’s really important has come up.
Janet: You’ve met a girl.
Jack: Janet…I didn’t meet a girl. I met a goddess!
Janet: Big deal Jack. You’re always meeting goddesses.
Jack: Hey, is it my fault if I attract the type? C’est si bon.
Jack snaps his fingers. Janet hits him on the stomach.
Janet: Sit. Jack, how can you do that? How can you desert your friends for a stranger?
Jack: Listen Janet, we may have just met, but Inga and I have a lot I common, a lot.
Jack: That’s her name.
Janet: And what is it hat you and Inga have in common?
Jack: For one thing, she happens to be a champion skier.
Janet: So what? You can’t ski.
Jack: Yeah, but I like to play in the snow.
Janet: Oh, Jack –
Jack: Besides for some reason, she thinks I’m a great skier.
Janet: And why would she think that?
Jack: Because that’s what I told her.
Jack and Larry laugh.
Janet: Oh, that figures. Such a big phony.
Larry: Uno momento uh, before we pass judgment on the man, don’t you think we should all see the evidence first?
Janet: Larry –
Inga arrives and gives Jack a kiss on the lips.
Inga: Hi Jack, am I late?
Larry: I vote for acquittal.
Jack leads Inga to another table.
Larry: Hey, hey, aren’t you gonna introduce us?
Larry: That’s funny, Jack. That’s very funny.
Inga: Did you make a joke?
Jack: Yes, I did. You know, Inga, I’ve always said that humor is as essential to a skier as his pole is to his boots.
Inga: Yeah, I know what you mean. I guess that’s why skiers are the only men that really turn me on.
Jack: To ski is to live.
Janet: To listen to this is to get sick. Look at him, Larry. He says it with such a straight face.
Larry: Yeah, I taught him so well.
Inga: Jack, just hearing you talk makes me tingle.
Jack: Well, I just love to make a girl tingle, Ingle. Inga.
Inga: Oh, Jack, I know what you want.
Jack: You do?
Inga: Oh yeah, it’s written all over your face.
Jack: Well, I didn’t really mean –
Inga: Well, come away with me this weekend, and I promise you won’t be disappointed. Oh, I can’t hardly wait. Just you and I together. I’ll show you something that’ll really turn you on. I can’t hardly wait to do the flying Dutchman with you.
Jack loses strength on his arm and it lands on a bowl of popcorn. Popcorn flies all over the table.
Inga: That is, if you’re up to it.
Jack: Oh, I am, I am! The flying Ducthcman – what’s the flying Dutchman?
Inga: It’s the ski run at my parents’ resort.
Jack: Ski run?
Inga: It’ll be fantastic up at 6:00 in the morning and shooting down the mountain.
Jack: Ski run?
Inga: I can’t wait for those big mouths to see a real skier.
Jack: Oh, yeah, we’ll show ‘em. Oh, Inga, I just remembered I promised to spend the weekend with my friends.
Inga: What friends?
Jack: Inga, I’d like you to meet two of my very best friends. This is Janet and Larry. This is Inga.
Larry: How do you do?
Jack: I couldn’t disappoint them.
Inga: Oh, I have an idea. Is there any reason why your friends can’t come skiing with us this weekend?
Jack: Yes! I wouldn’t want to spoil your plans.
Janet: Oh Jack, it’s the least we can do for a friend like you. We would love to see you on skis for the weekend.
Inga: Good, then it’s all settled.
Larry: I don’t know. I’m not really into skiing.
Jack: Thank you, Larry.
Inga: You know, you’re not the only one. Lately, it seems like most of the guests up at the lodge are nothing but sex-starved ski bunnies.
Larry: I wonder if I’ll have time to buy some carrots on the way up?
At the ski lodge, Jack watches in horror as a woman helps a man with a sprained leg.
Jack: The flying Dutchman?
Inga startles him and he gasps.
Inga: Jack, is something the matter? You seem so tense.
Jack: No, no, not at all –uh –
Inga starts to massage Jack’s shoulders.
Jack: Well, yeah, maybe I am a little tense around the neck area.
Inga: Are your friends here yet?
Inga: I hope they get here soon. I don’t wanna miss the last ski lift.
Jack: Ski L—you know something, Inga, it’s so cold outside, you know, and it’s so warm in here.
While Jack and Inga nuzzle at the couch, Mr. Furley enters the lodge.
Mr. Furley: Brrrr!
Jack: Mr. Furley!
Mr. Furley: Jack! It’s you!
Jack: What are you doing here?
Mr. Furley: Well, Larry couldn’t get his car started, and then when he gave me the lowdown on some of the action up here – you know, hey – hold it. I think I’ve just drawn a bead on a bunny.
Mr. Furley approaches Inga.
Mr. Furley: Hey, there, what do you say, you and I get together and melt some snow?
Jack: Inga, Inga, this is my landlord, Mr. Furley.
Mr. Furley: Inga?
Jack: She’s my ski instructor. I was just checking up the slopes.
Mr. Furley: They look just fine to me. I little straight humor there, Jack. You probably wouldn’t get that.
Inga: I think I’ll go check a room for your friend.
Jack: Thank you, thank you.
Janet and Larry arrive carrying heavy suitcases.
Jack: Oh, here –
Janet: Hi. Hey Mr. Furley, how about some help?
Mr. Furley: No thanks, I think I can handle her alone.
Larry: Hey Jack, when’re you gonna start skiing.
Jack: What makes you think I haven’t already?
Janet; Well, you’re still on one piece.
Larry: Just give ol’ Lar one second. He’ll show you where the real action is.
Janet: What action Larry?
Larry: Darlin’, in the Olympics of love, the fireplace event is the only action that counts. Observe.
Larry pulls out a leg cast.
Larry: Ta-da! All right. Wanna give that a tug?
Jack pulls out the bag to reveal a pair of crutches.
Larry: Thank you.
Jack: Larry, I don’t believe you. Are you kidding me? That is the oldest and dumbest trick in the book.
Janet: Really, Larry, aren’t you embarrassed to stoop so low? Aren’t you ashamed at being so dishonest?
As soon as Larry puts on his fake cast, a woman approaches him.
Woman: Oh you poor baby. What happened?
Larry: Just one second, I’d like to answer my friend’s question first. No. Well, I was careening down a mountain, and this poor little squirrel crossed my path. Tiny, little.
Jack: Oh, Janet, what am I gonna do? I mean, when Inga sees that I’m a klutz on skis, she’ll think I’m a bigger phony than Larry, if that’s possible.
Janet: Why don’t you just tell her the truth?
Jack: And give her the impression that I can’t ski?
Janet: Hey, that’s better than breaking your neck.
Jack: Janet, you know. I’ve been on skis before.
Janet: Once, Jack, once, and even then you did not make it down the run.
Jack: Well, that was a treacherous mountain. What was that called? The –
Janet: Kiddie slope.
Jack: Oh, how bad can the flying Dutchman be?
Janet: Well, here’s a picture of it, and it really doesn’t look all that bad.
Jack: It doesn’t?
Janet: No. Look, you start off here with about a 45-degree slope.
Jack visualizes the slope using his hand.
Janet: Mm-hmm, then you get tot the steep part.
Janet pulls down Jack’s hand to show him what steep looks like. Jack gasps in horror.
Janet: Boy, that’s where you really begin pickin’ up speed.
Janet: Mm-hmm, but not for too long, though.
Jack: Oh, good.
Janet: ‘cause if you don’t slow down, you’re not gonna make this hairpin turn.
Jack: Hairpin turn?
Janet: Whoa! The hairiest.
Jack: What happens if I don’t make it?
Janet: Mm, you get a breather for a couple of seconds.
Jack: Then what?
Janet: Well, let’s see: you hit interstate 40 about 100 miles an hour.
Janet: Boy, Jack, you are gonna be in big trouble!
Jack: I know.
Janet: That’s a 55-mile an hour zone.
Jack: Janet, I can’t do this. I’ll kill myself.
Janet: Okay, all right, does this mean you will tell her you can’t ski?
Jack: You got it.
Inga: Oh, Jack.
Jack: Inga, I’m sorry, I got some bad news for you.
Jack: I can’t go down that mountain.
Inga: I know that. I just got a report on the weather conditions. The flying Dutchman is closed. They don’t have enough snow up there, and they’re not expecting any.
Jack: Not enough snow?! Oh, what a drag! I was looking forward to it so much. You know, the excitement and danger. How could nature do this to me? I mean this quite frankly. I came here to ski, not sit around by a fireplace.
Janet watches as heavy snow falls.
Jack: Not now, Janet. You know, I would give anything to go down that run. Anything – are you sure there’s not enough snow out there?
Inga looks outside and finds the heavy fall of snow.
Jack: I know you’re disappointed, but believe me, your disappointment is nothing compared to mine. I’d give anything to be able to go down that run, anything! If only it would know!
Jack looks in horror at the falling snow.
Janet gives Jack a quick ski lesson, while everybody’s still asleep.
Jack: Good, this is perfect for my ski lesson, Janet. Nobody’s around.
Janet: What do you expect, Jack? It’s 5:00 in the morning.
Jack: Look, I’m meeting Inga at 9:00. I just want you to show me a few pointers. I mean, it’s not like I’m a beginner. I have been on skis before.
Janet: Okay, okay, okay. Let’s go outside and practice.
Jack: On the snow? It’s so slippery.
Janet: Oh, my –
Jack: Look, I just want you to show me how to keep from breaking my neck.
Janet: Okay, Jack, I will. Repeat after me. “I”.
Jack: “ski” Janet, come on!
Janet: All right, we’d better start from the very beginning.
Jack: Good, okay. What do I need to –
Janet takes Jack’s skis and Jack almost falls.
Janet: Jack! What’re you doing? You’re not even on skis yet!
Jack: I’m just nervous.
Janet: All right. Now, we’ll start really basic, Jack, right at the beginning, okay? Take your little footsie and put it on the long stick.
Jack: Would you cut that out, Janet? I know how to put on skis. And once I do, it’ll all come back to me. Just kick your boot into the binding like –
Jack kicks the skis out of view.
Janet: It is coming back to you, Jack. It’s all coming back to you. This is exactly what you did the last time.
Jack: Okay, like this –
Janet: Click your binding –
Jack: Like this?
Jack: All right –
Jack: Get it off.
Jack loses his balance. Janet pulls him up with his scarf.
Janet: Oh, Jack, maybe you should take the scarf off.
Jack: Get it off.
Janet: Yeah, let’s get it off. Let’s get the scarf off.
Jack: Okay, this boot goes in here.
Janet: Yes, and I’ll take care of that binding, ready?
Jack: Yeah, got it?
Janet: Yeah, okay. Put your foot here.
Jack: Got it?
Janet: Yes. Yes, you’re in.
Jack: Perfect, now –
Janet lets go and Jack falls down the floor.
Jack: Janet, Janet!
Jack: Is my leg broken? Look!
Janet: You’re fine. You’re perfectly fine, and it’s a good thing this happened, actually. Come on, you can learn how to get up.
Janet hands him the poles.
Janet: Take this, put it under your arm. Bend your arm, put your hands like so and then push yourself up.
Jack: Oh yeah, I’ve seen this before.
Janet: Okay ready, then push yourself.
Jack successfully gets his footing.
Janet: Look at you! All right!
Jack: I told you I’d be okay once I got my ski legs.
Janet: Okay, you’re gonna have to know how to turn around out there.
Janet: Let us start with a kick turn, okay?
Jack: Kick turn?
Janet: Kick turn. Take this ski and put it perpendicular to the floor.
Jack puts his skis up.
Janet: Very good, very good. Okay, now, all you have to do is let this ski fall and point in that direction. Just let it fall.
Jack: Is that possible?
Janet: Yes. Just let ‘er fall.
Jack twists his leg.
Janet: Hey, all right! Hey, look how good you look!
Janet: All right, Jack, now all you have to do is take the other ski, and swing it around, Jack, and get it parallel to this one.
Jack: Okay, just get out of the way.
Janet: Move your pole and just swing it around.
Janet: Swing it right --
Jack swings and knocks down a vase.
Jack: There? What do I do?
Jack’s skis are now crisscrossed.
Janet: I’m gonna slide this one back. Just let me slide this one back. That’s it, Jack. Don’t be sacred or anything.
Jack’s leg slides way back.
Jack: Okay. Janet, Janet, my leg!
Janet: No, no.
Jack: My leg doesn’t go like that! Janet, something bad is happening.
Janet crawls between Jack’s leg and pulls his one of his legs to place.
Janet: Okay, Jack, why don’t we try something simple? Get in your tuck.
Jack: My tuck?
Jack: I though I’d just dress casual.
Jack laughs, while Janet gives him a piercing look.
Jack: See, “dress casual” –
Janet pulls him down. Jack bends forward.
Janet: This is your tuck.
Jack: Yeah, okay.
Janet: The whole idea in skiing, Jack, is to keep your weight over your skis, all right? And to keep you shoulders in line with your hips, like so. Okay?
Janet: This doesn’t hurt, Jack.
Jack: I’m fine.
Janet: Okay, now flex in the knees. Okay, now bounce up and down a little. You feel that?
Janet: That’s how you absorb the shock. Going down the mountain, okay?
Jack imitates swooshing.
Janet: Now, you are going down the mountain, and we hit a rut. And we flex and take up the shock.
Jack follows what Janet is doing.
Janet: Yeah, okay. That’s not bad, Jack, really.
Jack: Thanks, thanks.
Janet: Good for you. Now lean forward.
Jack leans forward.
Janet: Now crouch. Now flex.
Larry sneaks up on the two.
Larry: Now crow like a rooster.
Jack crows like a rooster.
Larry: I hope you don’t go everywhere in those. Must be murder in elevators.
Jack: Hey, Larry –
Jack looks back and loses balance. Janet grabs and steadies him.
Janet: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Just give it up, Jack. Just forget it. All right Larry, what happened to your cast?
Larry: I got rid of it. You were right. It was stupid. It’s beneath me. I asked myself, what kind of guy would be desperate enough to put a cast on his leg just to pick up a chick?
Mr. Furley shows up with the cast and crutches.
Janet: Oh, Larry.
Larry: I couldn’t say no.
Mr. Furley: Here’s your $30, Larry.
Larry: This is an investment you won’t regret Mr. F.
Two girls pass by and Mr. Furley starts to moan in pain, but the girls just pass him by.
A large old woman sees Mr. Furley.
Large woman: Ooh, you poor dear. I’m a masseuse here. Why don’t you let me give you a nice rubdown?
The large woman cracks her knuckles.
Mr. Furley: Uh, I don’t thinks so.
Large woman: You’re adorable.
Mr. Furley: Ah! Look, I’m healed! It’s a miracle!
Mr. Furley let’s go of his crutches and runs. The large woman follows him.
Mr. Furley: Quick, help!
Larry: Well, my work is done. Excuse me.
Jack: Janet, come one, come over here.
Jack: Where were we?
Janet: What? Jack, please, look, please, will you just forget it? Just face the fact you can’t learn to ski by 9:00.
Jack: Maybe I won’t have to.
A couple of hours later...
Girl: Oh, hurry up before the lines get too long.
A bunch of skiers leave revealing Jack who is sitting on a chair with a cast.
Mr. Furley: Psst, Jack, over here.
Mr. Furley is hiding behind a ski rack.
Jack: Mr. Furley?
Mr. Furley knocks off the skis.
Jack: What’re you doing?
Mr. Furley: I’m hiding from that muscle mechanic. She wants to realign my front end! I hope you have better luck with that cast than I did.
Masseuse: Oh, Ralph!
Jack: Mr. Furley –
Mr. Furley: No time to talk, Jack. The hunter is becoming the hunted!
Masseuse: Ralph, you can’t hide from me, you little devil, you! I’ll get you!
Janet and Inga enter the lodge.
Inga: Jack, you were supposed to meet me at the ski lift –
Inga sees his cast and gasps.
Inga: What happened?
Jack: Oh, I didn’t want you to see this, Inga. I’m so mad at myself. It was so stupid! I was trying to warm up, doing back flips in my skis.
Inga: Oh, it must’ve hurt!
Jack: Oh, no –
Jack fakes his pain and grimaces.
Inga: Oh Jack, maybe you should go to your room and lie down.
Jack: No Inga, I’m fine.
Inga: Oh, Jack, what can I do for you?
Jack: Bed, maybe you should get me to bed.
Inga: Okay, here, just lift me, it’s –
Inga helps Jack up when Jack’s fake cast falls off his leg.
Inga: Oh! Oh! Jack!
Inga: What’s so funny?
Janet: Well, it’s just – Jack is funny, doing that old fake-broken-leg bit, does it all the time.
Inga: Oh he does?
Jack: I do, I do. You should’ve seen the show at Squaw Valley last month. It was g—of course I had a terrific cast, get it?
Inga: Well Jack, are you ready?
Jack: Oh, Inga, I am always ready.
Inga: Good. Let’s hit the slopes.
Jack: Well, I gotta wax my skis.
Inga: That’s okay, I already did it.
Jack: Oh well, I don’t have my other boot. I’m sorry, I don’t think –
Janet hands Jack his boot.
Jack: I hate you.
At the slopes, Janet and Inga are chatting when Jack arrives.
Inga: Oh, hi.
Jack: Oh, that doesn’t look so bad.
Janet points him to the right slope.
Jack: Oh, my God!
Janet: Now are you gonna tell her that you can’t ski?
Jack nervously nods.
Janet: Oh, good.
Inga: Okay, Jack, you ready to go?
Jack continues to nod.
Inga: Okay, you go ahead first.
Jack: No, no, no, after you.
Inga: On no, are you kidding I wanna follow you down. That way, I can study your form on the ice patches.
Jack: That’s – that’s where it’s gonna be, all over the ice.
Inga: Okay Jack, go ahead.
Jack clears throat and starts to breathe heavily.
Jack: All right.
Jack takes his time.
Jack starts to yelps then yodels.
Jack: Yodeling clears my sinuses.
Jack: Okay, I’m just gonna put all distractions out of my mind. I’m gonna concentrate and Janet, thanks for everything. Keep my memory alive for Chrissy, won’t you?
Janet: Good luck, Jack.
It begins to snow.
Inga: Oh, no!
Jack: What’s the matter?
Inga: Well, look at all the snow. It’s gonna ruin our visibility.
Jack: Oh great, now our visibility’s ruined. Our visibility’s rui—
Janet gives Jack a smile.
Jack: Oh no! Our visibility’s ruined!
Inga: I’m sorry, Jack. But we just can’t risk skiing in this weather.
Jack: It’s just that I had my heart set on it!
Inga: I know you did, but I promise I’ll make it up to you back at the lodge, somehow.
Inga gives Jack a kiss.
Janet: Why, Jack, did you luck out! Congratulations.
Jack: Thanks, Jaaaaa –
Janet gives Jack a pat on the back and Jack slides down the slope.
Janet: Oh, Jack! Oh, no! Oh.
Inga, Larry and Janet anxiously wait for Jack at the lodge.
Janet: Larry, I’m really worried.
Larry: Now, relax Janet. The ski patrol is out looking for him now. Yeah, but it’s getting dark outside.
Inga: Let’s look on the bright side of it: at least Jack’s an experienced skier.
Larry: Hey Janet, there he is!
Janet and Inga: Oh, Jack!!!
Janet: Oh, where were you? We’ve been worried sick.
Inga: We thought you had an accident.
Jack: Me? Of course not. I just decided to turn right at the cliff halfway down the mountain.
Inga: You went down suicide run?
Jack: Is that what it’s called? Now that you mention it, it was a little tricky, I’ll tell you.
Janet: Are you all right? You look a little blue.
Inga: I’ll get you some hot chocolate.
Janet: Jack, you skied down that mountain?
Jack: Well, I’m here aren’t I?
Janet: Look at you.
Jack: I know. I’m glad to see you too.
Ski patrol enters the lodge.
Ski patrol: I’m sorry we haven’t found your friend yet, but we did find one of his skis.
Jack: Oh yeah, that’s mine, officer, yeah. It – it – it slipped off my foot halfway down. You can’t believe how hard it was going down that mountain on one ski.
Ski patrol: What? You had three skis?
Ski patrol: Yeah, the other one is still in a tree.
Jack: Well, thank you for a good job, officer.
Larry: Uh, Jack, is there something you wanna tell us?
Jack: No, no, not really.
Jack: Well, I didn’t exactly ski down the mountain. See, I sorta grabbed this tree and kinda actually crawled down.
Jack laughs and Janet and Larry join him.
Janet: Oh well, at least you’re all right.
Jack: Better than all right. Inga thinks I skied down suicide run!
Janet: Shame on you.
Inga: Jack, here’s something to warm you up.
Jack: Thanks, and I think the hot chocolate will help, too.
Inga: Is there anything else I can do for you?
Jack: Yeah, excuse me.
Jack pushes Janet out of his way.
Jack: You know, I was thinking, maybe we should just spend a quiet evening upstairs. What do you think?
Inga: Oh, Jack, you must be reading my mind. You know, if we’re gonna ski down suicide run tomorrow I’m gonna need all the sleep I can get. See you at dawn!
Jack almost faints.
The next day…
Jack: So, I finally just came out and said, “Inga, I can’t ski”.
Janet: Good for you, Jack. What did she say?
Jack: No, she’s never speaking to me again.
Janet leaves and Jack approaches Mr. Furley who is tying his shoelaces by the fireplace.
Jack: Hi, Mr. Furley.
Mr. Furley: Oh, hi, Jack.
Jack sits beside him and sighs.
Mr. Furley: Something the matter?
Jack: Oh, I’m having trouble with a girl.
Mr. Furley: A girl?
Jack: Uh, not a real girl. Janet, my roommate.
Mr. Furley: Well, I’ll tell you a secret to handling women, Jack. You gotta be forceful.
Mr. Furley: Yeah, take last night for instance. That man-hungry masseuse finally actually got me down on her table and tried to twist and crack my bones. Well, I told her to just “cut it out”! I said, “I’m not gonna play your kinda game. And when it comes to that, you’re not near enough woman for a man like me”.
Jack: How’d she take it?
Mr. Furley: Terrific. The doctor says I’ll be walking normal in a couple of weeks.
Mr. Furley walks away bent down.
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Downhill Chaser” episode was written by Martin Rips and Joseph Staretski. Three’s Company is a registered Service Mark of Three’s Company (California Joint Venture of The NRW Company and T.T.C. Productions, Inc.)
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