Janet is working out in the living room when Jack enters.
Jack: If you’re trying to fly, you gotta flap a lot faster.
Janet: You know what Jack. It wouldn’t hurt you to do some of these wake-up exercises.
Jack: I’m sorry Janet. I already did 20 hair combs and two sets of teeth brushing. I don’t want to over-train. Hut-one, hut-two!
Jack grabs Janet’s butt.
Janet: I hate when you do that.
Jack: I’m so sorry. They have a mind of their own sometimes.
Jack slaps his hands.
Janet: Come on. Behave.
Janet: You could try one of these, something simple like, like the lung expander.
Jack: The what?
Janet: The lung expander. Really simple. You draw in a really deep breath, and when you’ve taken in all the air you can. You force yourself to take two more quick ones, all right?
Janet demonstrates and starts breathing quickly then inhales slowly. Janet exhales.
Janet: Aaaah… This really helps develop the breathing.
Jack: I know, I’m breathing faster already.
Jack sticks out his tongue like a dog.
Janet: Oh, Jack! Go make yourself useful and make some coffee.
Jack: No Janet, I gotta go. I gotta go see a guy about a job.
Janet: A job? Is it a chef’s job?
Jack: No, I may be taking over for a friend of mine at a department store. He’s going back east for a couple of weeks.
Janet: A department store?
Janet: Doing what?
Jack: Uh, nothing much. Just –
Janet: Well, tell me.
Jack: Janet, it’s just a job.
Janet: Jack, what kind of a job?
Jack clears his throat.
Jack: I’m not gonna tell you. You’ll just laugh.
Janet: I won’t laugh.
Jack: Yes, you will.
Janet: Jack, I will not laugh.
Jack clears throat.
Jack: All right, uh…I may take over for this guy in the front window of Kruger’s department store as a mechanical man.
Jack: I knew you would.
Janet tries to contain her laughter.
Janet: No, this isn’t laughing. No, this is an exercise for lip muscles.
Janet finally let’s go and laughs.
Janet: Are you seriously going to take a job as a dummy?
Jack: Not a dummy, Janet, a mechanical man.
Janet: Well, what’s the difference?
Jack: How many dummies do you know can make 400 a week standing in a store window?
Janet: Four hundred dollars?
Jack: Yeah, that’s why I’m dying to get this job, four hundred dollars just by getting people’s attention. Janet, I pretend like I’m a mechanical man, and all I have o do is point to what’s on sale in the window with me.
Janet: What’s that gonna be?
Jack: I don/t know, but I’m hoping it’ll be a mechanical woman. Ya-Ya-Ya…
Jack playfully pokes Janet. Janet gasps and laughs.
Janet: All right. Aren’t you embarrassed that maybe your friends will see you?
Jack: Well, actually yes.
Jack: But I’m gonna have on so much makeup, my own mother won’t recognize me.
Janet: I bet she wouldn’t want to. That would make her a dummy mummy.
Jack: Well, you mama doesn’t seem to mind.
Janet hits jack with a pillow.
Jack: I’ll see you.
Janet: Hey, Jack, good luck.
Jack runs to the door and finds Larry.
Larry: Jack, great news!
Jack: Larry, no time. I’ll talk to you later.
Larry: But wait, wait, Jack! I gotta tell somebody. Girls, I’ve got incredible news. Chrissy?
Janet: You’re gonna have to yell a lot louder than that, Larry. She’s away visiting her parents out of town.
Janet resumes her workout.
Larry: Oh, okay, Janet, then I’ll tell you.
Janet: Thank you.
Larry: Now, promise not to say anything to Jack. This is something I want to tell him personally.
Janet: Okay, I promise.
Larry: When you hear this Janet, you’ll gonna fall over.
Larry takes a deep breath.
Larry: For the first time, I am in love.
Janet looks at him blankly.
Janet: Instead of falling over, Larry, is it okay if I just lean a little?
Larry: Oh, come on, Janet.
Janet: No, you come on! The only news here is it happens to be Tuesday. You usually fall in love for the first time on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
Larry: All right, all right, I’ve cried wolf before, but this girl is different. I’ve given this relationship enough time to know that this is the real thing.
Janet: Oh, how long is that Larry? Your usual tow drinks?
Larry: Janet, come on. This one’s no flash in the pan. We’ve been going together since yesterday.
Janet: Congratulations. You’ve now made it through your first anniversary.
Larry: I know. Now look, Janet, what I want you to do, I want you to send my baby a fantastic floral tribute. You know, orchids, roses, the works. Ah, here use it all.
Larry hands Janet some cash.
Janet: Really? You sure want me to use the whole five bucks?
Larry: I get the wholesale price, don’t I? Just make sure you send her something that’ll give her a thrill.
Janet: Larry, for five dollars, the best I can do is send her something that’ll give her hay fever.
Larry: Okay, okay, here’s ten more, all right/
Larry: Yeah now. There’s the address and what I want written on the card.
Janet reads what Larry had written.
Janet: “My love to Twinkie.” “From Sweet Cheeks”? Twinkie and Sweet Cheeks.
Larry: Yeah, see. Kind of cute, isn’t it?
Janet: I feel like I should go brush my teeth. Larry, what’s the girl’s name? There’s only an address written here.
Janet: She didn’t tell you her last name.
Larry: We didn’t talk that much. Besides, I’m going to change her name anyway.
Janet: Are you going to marry her?
Larry: Janet, when you meet Ms. Right, the one you have waited for your entire life, you go all the way.
Janet: Yeah, Larry, but are you gonna marry her?
Larry gives Janet a piercing look.
Janet: Sorry. I’m sorry. I’ll make sure she gets the bouquet.
Larry: Good. Now listen, Janet. This is just between us, all right?
Larry: I don’t want anyone to know about Twinkie. You promise?
Janet: I promise, Larry. But what if she’s Miss Right –
Larry: She is. I’m giving up all the others. This girl’s the one! But in case she’s not, I don’t want anyone thinking I’m out of circulation.
Janet is at the flower shop talking on the phone.
Janet: Uh-huh, yes. No, I understand – a mixed bouquet. Uh-huh. Oh, I think that’d be very nice. Oh, yes.
A woman enters the shop.
Woman: Excuse me, Miss. Can you help me?
Janet: Just a second, please. No, no, delivery’s not a problem. 3:30 today would be—
Woman: Miss, I’m in a terrible hurry.
Janet: Yes, just one little second. Yes, could you give me the name and address?
Woman: Miss, I really can’t wait.
Janet: Could you hold on for just a second? What can I do for you?
Woman: Change for the parking meter.
Cash register dings.
Janet: There you go. And when you come back, I’ll give you very good help.
Woman: Oh, I’m not coming back. I’m shopping next door. I didn’t want to bother them. They’re so busy. Ciao.
Janet mockingly tries to hit the woman with the telephone.
Janet: Oh, sir, gosh, I’m sorry to keep you waiting so long. Uh, could you give me that name and address now? Hello? H— Oh.
Janet bangs the phone.
Janet: Excuse me.
Man: Excuse me.
Janet: Excuse me. I’m very sorry. What can I do for you?
Man: I was looking for something nice in a houseplant.
Janet: Oh, golly, we have some terrific Dieffenbachia, and we got some new Scheffleras in that are absol—
Janet comes running in the shop.
Jack: Janet, listen, listen!
Man: Hey, I was here first.
Jack: No, I just wanted to –
Man: Just get in line! Now, what plant would your recommend?
Janet: It depends on where you put it.
Jack: I got the job.
Man: Do you mind?
Janet: What job?
Man: Do you mind?
Janet: It depends on what room you’re gonna put it in, if it has enough light.
Jack acts like a mechanical man. Janet becomes distracted and mimics Jack’s actions.
Janet: It’s the dummy job! You’re the dummy!
Man: I’m the what?
Janet: No, no!
The man begins to walk away.
Jack: Not the dummy, Janet. If I hear that one more time – a mechanical man, not dummy, okay?
Janet: Okay, Jack, I will get it right. I will call you mechanical man if you do me a favor. I gotta get this bouquet delivered this afternoon. My delivery boy is sick. Will you take it?
Man: Look, Miss.
Janet: Look, I just have to get this out first, okay?
Man: The first thing you have to get out is me.
Janet: Right. Jack, this is her card.
Jack: “To Twinkie from Sweet Cheeks”? What, are you taking orders from Chipmunks?
Janet: This guy is a little squirrelly.
Jack: Well, I’m on my way.
Janet: Thank you.
Man: I’m a paying customer, and you’re giving all your attention to that dummy!
Jack: I am not a dummy! I’ll see you.
Jack bumps into a display and knocks off some pots and vases.
Jack: He was next.
Back at the house, Janet is doing some bookkeeping when Jack arrives.
Jack: Janet! Janet. You angel!
Jack gives Janet a kiss on a cheek.
Jack: I am in love.
Janet: Why, Jack, darlin’, after all this time.
Jack: Not you!
Janet: Hey, are you serious?
Jack: Yes, I’m serious.
Janet: Well, Jack tell me. Who? Who?
Jack: You sound like an owl. As a matter of fact, you look like an owl.
Jack removes Janet’s big glasses.
Janet: Oh Jack, come on. Tell me, who is it?
Jack: It’s that girl I delivered those flowers to.
Jack: I call her “Bunny”.
Jack: You know, as cute as a – don’t you think it sounds better?
Janet: Oh, definitely. Twinkie’s such a silly name.
Jack: I spent the whole afternoon with her. Janet, this girl is beautiful, kind, charming.
Janet: And taken, Jack. Don’t forget taken. I mean, what about the guy who sent the bouquet, Sweet Cheeks?
Jack: Janet, who’d want to go around with a guy named Sweet Cheeks? Once we met, it was all over for him. This girl is wonderful and she’s mine, and Janet, I have you to thank.
Janet: No please, don’t thank me Jack.
Jack: Are you kidding?
There’s a knock on the door.
Janet: Oh, hey –
Jack: I’m so happy!
Jack opens the door and it’s Larry.
Larry: Uh-uh, you’re not getting away this time. I have got to tell you something.
Jack: Larry, I got something to tell you. I met the greatest girl.
Larry: That’s what I was going to tell you. I met the greatest girl.
Jack: You couldn’t have. My girl’s the greatest.
Larry: No, no, no. Not as great as mine.
Jack: Yes, she is.
Janet: Yes, she is.
Jack: Larry, listen. Let me tell you about –
Larry: No, no, no! First let me tell you about mine!
Janet: Excuse me, I’m gonna go and change my clothes. It’s a little warm.
Larry: It’s not hot in here.
Janet: It’s going to be.
Jack: Janet, wait, wait, wait. I want you to hear this.
Janet: No, Jack, I don’t want –
Jack: This girl is incred-ee-blay. You know what her main interest is? Cooking. Can you imagine a woman more perfect for me?
Larry: How about my little sweetheart? When I told her I worked in a car lot. She freaked. She digs cars, loves my talking about ‘em.
Jack: It sounds like we both found the perfect girl.
Janet: What incredible luck.
Jack: I’m so happy for you Larry. Is she pretty?
Larry: Pretty? Ow! She’s gorgeous. She’s got reddish brown hair.
Jack: Really? Mine’s got brownish-red hair. How about that?
Janet: How about that?
Larry: If I didn’t have mine, I’d go after yours.
Jack: Oh, yeah? Well, you’d have to climb over me to do it.
Larry: What are you talking about?
Jack and Larry mockingly fight.
Larry: I gotta get along now. My baby and I are having an early dinner.
Jack: Oh, yeah? I got a date with my girl tonight too -- a late supper.
Janet: She’s not going to get hungry.
Jack: Pardon me?
Janet: Oh, uh, nothing. I didn’t anything.
Larry: Oh, Jack.
Larry: We are two lucky guys.
Jack: Oh, Lordy Janet. Janet, Janet, Janet. I’m so happy he’s finally found someone at last. Whoo! Well, I’m gonna practice my mechanical man routine.
Jack starts to walk like a robot to his bedroom.
Janet: Jack, Jack, come here. I have to talk to you, kind of – get serious please.
Jack: Oh sure.
Janet: I have to talk to you sort of roommate-to-roommate about Larry.
Jack: Oh sure.
Janet: Okay. Here it goes.
Jack: Larry – Larry, he’s a lucky guy. Not as lucky as I am, but – go ahead. What about Lar?
Janet: You forgot to tell him about your new job.
Jack: No Janet, I didn’t forget. It just seemed so unimportant. I mean, what’s a $400-a-week job compared to meeting the girl of my dreams. And Janet …
Jack: You did it.
Janet: Oh boy Janet. You really did it.
The following day.
Janet: Jack! Come on get up, it’s almost noon!
Jack: I’m coming.
Janet: Well, hurry up!
Jack enters the living room looking like a mess.
Janet: Jack, you have just got to get more sleep at night.
Jack: Don’t be silly Janet I’m wide away. I’m just looking for my sock. There it is. Oh!
Jack climbs the couch and falls asleep.
Janet: Jack! Wake up. Jack! Come on get up. Sit up. Come one. I want to talk to you about your new girlfriend, Bunny.
Jack: Bunny, Bunny, Bunny.
Janet: Jack, you’ve been going with her for over a week now.
Jack: Oh, she’s wonderful and she’s mine.
Janet: Are you sure?
Jack: Why’d you say that?
Janet: Jack, did you ever think that maybe there’s another rabbit in Bunny’s life?
Jack: Why would I think a thing like that?
Janet: Well, for one thing, you can only see from from midnight to 3:00am.
Jack: I see her more than that.
Jack: Uh, uh, 10 to 12 on alternate Tuesdays.
Janet: What does she do with the rest of her time.
Jack: I guess she jobs a lot. Every time I meet her she’s out of breath.
Janet: I have to tell you something about Bunny, Jack. I should have told you this a long time ago.
Jack: Janet, I think I know what’s going on here.
Janet: You do?
Jack: Yeah, you’re jealous.
Janet: I’m jealous?
Jack: What else could it be? You’re trying to turn me against my girl.
Janet: Jack, Bunny has somebody else.
Jack: Hold it Janet! Saying Bunny’s a two-timer. How low can you go?
Janet: I wouldn’t make up a think like that.
Jack: Uh-uh, listen. I have to go to work, and I don’t want to hear any more talk about Bunny.
Janet: Fine, there won’t be any more talk about –
Janet: About –
Janet acts like a rabbit and hops her way to the kitchen.
Jack: Don’t be funny with Bunny.
Janet: Jack, please, you have to listen to me.
Jack: Janet, Janet. Bunny is not a two-timer. Do you know how much class this girl has? I’m even afraid of telling her I’m working in a store window. I don’t think she’d date a guy in show business.
Janet: Oh, Jack.
Jack: I’ll tell you something Janet. If bunny were two-timing me, you know I would break the guy in two.
Janet: You would?
Jack: You can count on it.
Jack opens the door as Larry was going to knock.
Jack and Larry: Hey!
Jack: Hey, Larry, thanks for the scare. I gotta go.
Larry: Wait a second Jack. Hold it a second. How’s your new love?
Jack: She’s fantastic. How about your girl?
Larry: Terrific. As a matter of fact, I’m gonna pick her up in a couple of minutes.
Jack: Oh yeah, where does she live?
Larry: She lives over on –
Janet: Live, live, live? Is that what matters? Who cares about a thing like where a girl lives? I mean really what does it matter? You know, north or south or east or west. I mean Larry, look. Did Romeo ask Juliet where she lived? No. Did Samson ask Delilah what her address was? No. Did, uh, did Antony ask Cleopatra where she lived? No. Oh guys! Don’t you see? Home is where the heart is. Love has no address.
Jack and Larry look at Janet in bewilderment.
Jack: I’m sorry I asked.
Larry: Jack, I want to show you something.
Larry: It’s a picture of my girl.
Janet hugs Larry.
Janet falls on Jack.
Janet: Oh, I feel so faint. I need some water.
Jack: She’s faint. Water.
Janet: Oh, get me some water.
Larry: I’ll get some water.
Jack: Yeah, put her feet up.
Jack carries Janet upside down.
Jack: Little by little.
Jack sets the upside down Janet on the couch.
Janet: I’ll be fine Jack.
Jack fans her with a pillow.
Jack: Are you ok?
Janet: No, no, I’m going to be fine. Go ahead and go to work. You’ll be late.
Jack: I can’t leave you now.
Janet: Yes, you can. You can leave me. Larry will take care of me.
Jack: Are you sure?
Janet: I’m sure, Jack.
Jack: Oh, but –
Janet: I’m so sure.
Jack: But –
Jack: I’m going.
Jack hops over the couch and leaves. Larry slowly approaches Janet with a glass of water.
Larry: How are you?
Janet: I’m fine, Larry. How are you?
Janet gets up.
Larry: You all right?
Janet: Yeah, sure.
Larry: Then what was all that about?
Janet: Well — oh that. Oh. I was just trying to get you to get me a glass of water. Thank you.
Larry: Where was Jack going to in such a hurry?
Janet: Oh, he had to get down to his job.
Larry: Job? Jacko’s got a job? Doing what?
Janet: Oh, Larry. I wasn’t supposed to tell. He got this job down at Kruger’s working in the front window as a mechanical man.
Janet: Yes. But please don’t tell. He doesn’t want anybody to know.
Larry: Jack in Kruger’s window. This I got to see.
Janet: Oh, hey, wait, Larry, please. I want to talk to you about your new girlfriend Twinkie.
Larry: What a great idea. I’ll bring Twinkie along.
Janet: No, wait!
Larry: She’s never met him. A mechanical man.
Janet: Wait a minute –
Larry: When he takes one look at my gorgeous Twinkie. He’s gonna pop his main spring.
Larry laughs his heart out and leaves.
Janet: Come back, oh!
The phone rings.
Janet: Hi, hello. Chrissy, Hi! Folks okay? Oh, good, good. No, no, there’s nothing new here except that Jack and Larry have fallen in love. No Chrissy, not with each other. But with the same girl. Yes, yes, and Larry’s taking that girl and he’s going down to where Jack is right now to introduce them. And I haven’t got time to be talking to you Chrissy. I gotta get down there!
Janet slams the phone and quickly makes her way to the door.
Janet: Oh, God!
Janet returns to the phone.
Janet: Bye, Chrissy!
Jack is at the store window of Kruger’s.
Woman: I’m telling you, Burt he isn’t a man, he’s a dummy.
Man: I don’t think so. Look again.
Woman: See? He’s a machine. A person doesn’t move that way.
Man: Did you ever look at your brother?
Man and woman leaves, while Larry and Twinkie approach the window.
Larry: You gotta see this guy.
Twinkie: Larry! Sweet Cheeks I don’t understand. Why are we at Kruger’s?
Larry: I thought we’d do a little window-shopping.
Twinkie: But I already have a window.
Larry: God, you’re quick. Well, what do you think of him?
Twinkie: He’s a dummy.
Larry: I know, but he’s also my friend.
Larry waves at Jack.
Larry: Jack. Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack. This is my baby.
Jack turns his eyes and sees who Larry’s with.
Larry: Jack. I love her and she loves me. Watch.
Larry and Twinkie kiss as Jack watches. Jack whips his prop cane.
Larry: I liked the sample. How about a full serving.
Twinkie and Larry kiss again. Jack hits the display suitcases and they fall. He moves away to avoid the suitcases and stumbles on the other display items. Jack splits in two his display items and runs outside. Grabs Twinkie out of Larry’s arms.
Jack: Larry, let go of my girl!
Larry: What are you talking about? This is my girl.
Jack: Are you nuts? She’s my girl. Tell him.
Twinkie: I’m not your girl. How do you turn him off?
Jack removes his top hat.
Jack: Don’t you know me?
Twinkie: You’re the guy on the window.
Jack: Bunny, it’s me. Cuddle Cakes.
Larry: Why do you think this is your girl? Twinkie’s my girl.
Twinkie: Oh, my gosh. It IS Cuddle Cakes!
Larry: You know this guy?
Jack pulls Bunny/Twinkie to his side.
Jack: Know me? We’ve been going together for a week!
Larry: What, are you crazy? We’ve been going together for a week and a day.
Larry pull Twinkie/Bunny to his side.
Larry: You keep away from my girl.
Jack: She’s my girl. You keep away from her.
Larry: Okay, all right. Hold it a second, all right? We’ll let Twinkie decide.
Jack: No, we won’t. We’ll let Bunny decide. Go ahead.
Larry: All right, go ahead, pick one.
Twinkie: Well, Larry, when I’m with you, you’re everything I could ever want.
Larry: Eat your heart out. Hurt me.
Twinkie: And then Jack comes along and he’s so cute, well…well, he’s the one I want.
Larry: I’m in pain. But I though I was number one.
Jack: So did I.
Twinkie: But I never said you were. I really don’t want to lose either one of you.
Larry: But it can’t go on like this.
Twinkie: That’s what Elliot said.
Jack: Right, Elliot. Who’s Elliot?
Twinkie: Well, he’s my boyfriend.
Jack and Larry: Your boyfriend?
Twinkie: Yes, he’s been in the navy, but he gets out tomorrow, and well, I really couldn’t manage four of you.
Larry: Wait a second. That’s only three of us.
Twinkie: Well, I have to give up Kenny too.
Twinkie: And then there’s Nick. Oh, gosh, I forgot to tell him. Will you boys excuse me? I really have to go find Nick.
Larry and Jack: Elliot?
Jack: No wonder when I kissed her she was too tired to pucker.
Larry: Buddy we’ve been had.
Larry: Say goodbye to our girl.
Jack: Lar, she’s not your girl, she’s not my girl, she belongs to the world.
Larry: You’re right.
Jack: Well, let me go int here and see if I still got a job.
Larry: Now, wait a second let me straighten your tie.
Janet comes running along.
Janet: Oh, no, Larry, please don’t choke him! He’s innocent.
Janet: Oh Larry please, there’s a thousand other girls in the – where’s Bunny? Or, uh, Twinkie? Uh, Twinkie?
Jack: Bunny? Twinkie? Who are they?
Janet: The girl you’re madly in love with.
Larry: Oh, them.
Jack: For your information, Janet, we told her to take a walk.
Larry: Take a walk! Ha! We gave her the old heave-ho.
Jack: The old heave-ho.
Jack: Yeah. Imagine, her trying to pull off a stunt like that.
Larry: What does she take us for? A couple of dummies?
Janet: What else?
The next day, Janet returns from the grocery and finds Jack and Larry sit gloomily on the sofa.
Janet: Hi, Jack. Hi, Larry.
Jack: Hi, Janet.
Janet: Oh guys, come on. How long are you gonna mope over this Bunny Twinkie? It’s been days now.
Jack: Never heard of her.
Janet: Well, you’re always saying girls are just like buses. There’s another one coming along every minute.
Jack: Yeah, but that last one was awfully crowded.
Larry: Janet, we’re no longer interested in women. They’re untrustworthy.
Larry: And a big waste of time.
Janet: Oh, really? Well, gosh in that case I won’t bother telling you about the gorgeous redhead staying with the Thatchers.
Jack: I couldn’t be less interested.
Larry: Yeah, me neither.
Janet: I didn’t think so. I really didn’t, so I’m not gonna mention that she’s outside right now sunbathing in the teeniest string bikini I’ve ever seen.
Jack and Larry scramble to the door.
Larry: Let me get that!
Jack and Larry struggle to squeeze out of the door at the same time.
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “A Crowded Romance” episode was written by Mark Tuttle. Three’s Company is a registered Service Mark of Three’s Company (California Joint Venture of The NRW Company and T.T.C. Productions, Inc.)
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