Janet calls a loan service.
Janet: Hello, cheerful finance? Hi. I read your ad in the Times, uh, loans up to $5,000, no questions asked. Yeah, and I was won – oh, no, I don’t own my own home. No, I – hmm? No, I don’t own a car. Collateral? Uh, no.
Jack arrives at the apartment.
Janet: Uh, no. No. No. No. Hello? They hung up on me.
Jack: You’re not gonna have any boyfriends left if you keep saying no.
Janet: I was trying to get us some money.
Jack: Then stop saying no.
Jack: Look at all these bills!
Janet: I know. What about the pawn shop? They give you anything for your watch?
Jack: Yeah. A new strap. They felt sorry for me. Do you like it?
Janet: What’re we gonna do for rent money?
Jack: Maybe you should borrow some money from your boyfriend – what’s his name, Bill?
Janet: Oh come on, Jack. I don’t borrow money from guys I date.
Jack: Well, maybe if you broke up?
Janet: Oh, stop!
Jack: Janet, we’ve gotta do something.
Janet: I know, I’m doing the best I can.
Jack: I know, I’m trying to figure it out.
Jack opens the door and it’s Larry.
Larry: Hiya, Jack.
Jack: Lar, Lary, Larry. Look, Janet, it’s Larry. Larry, we were just talking about what a terrific friend you are.
Larry: Forget it Jack I’m broke.
Jack: Can you believe this guy? He thinks we’re gonna ask him for money.
Janet: Oh, heaven forbid.
Larry: Good, because all I got left is a buck, 85.
Jack: We’ll take it.
Larry: Not so fast. That buck, 85 is gonna get me halfway to Jennifer.
Jack: Yeah, that’s this new girlfriend. She lives way out in the valley.
Larry: Yeah, yeah, and all this driving back and forth is starting to wear me down. And last night, I ran out of gas.
Janet: Oh, no, on the freeway?
Larry: Worse, in my apartment.
Larry: Can I see the sports section?
Janet: Oh, sure Larry, there you go.
Jack opens the door.
Jack: Mr. Fur – it’s mister – hi, Mr. Furley. Hi, Mr. Furley.
Mr. Furley: Hi, kids.
Jack: Look, Mr. Furley –
Mr. Furley; I know, I know, you haven’t got the rent, right?
Janet: Well, yeah, as a matter of fact –
Mr. Furley: It’s okay, it’s okay, I was just talkin’ to a friend of mine who can help you out.
Jack: He can help us out.
Mr. Furley: That’s right. He owns a moving van.
Jack: Oh, uh – listen, Mr. Furley.
Mr. Furley: Look, look, if it was up to me, I’d give you more time. But my brother Bar just won’t take any more excuses. He said, either you cough up the rent, or you cough up the apartment.
Janet and Jack tries to argue with Mr. Furley.
Larry: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Uno momento, eh? Just let me handle this, all right? Be cool. Are you aware of section 945, municipal code 386, paragraph 3B, which states you cannot evict anyone without 90 days notice?
Mr. Furley: Don’t hand me that. There is no such code.
Larry: He’s smarter than he looks.
Mr.Furley: I am not! Come on, what’s it gonna be? Do you have the rent, yes or no?
Janet: Somewhere in the middle of yes and no. We have our part of the rent. We just don’t have Chrissy’s share.
Jack: Yeah, we could give you our two thirds.
Mr. Furley: Well, that’s not good enough. I’ve gotta have it all.
Jack: But, Mr. Furley, it hasn’t been easy for us. I mean, look at all these bills. You got a bill from the gas company, a bill from the electric company, here’s a letter from Chrissy, telephone bill—
Janet: Hey, wait, lemme see the letter form Chrissy. Wait, wait. Maybe she sent he rent money, Jack. Oh please let it be in here. Oh, an envelope for Mr. Furley.
Jack: Good old Chrissy.
Janet: I knew she wouldn’t let us down.
Mr. Furley: Well, better late than never.
Jack: How about that Larry. Saved by the bell.
Mr. Furley: “Dear Mr. Furley, I owe you one month’s rent. Chrissy Snow.”
Larry: That was no bell, Jack. That’s a ding-a-ling.
Mr. Furley: Look, kids, I an give you one more day and after that. It’s out of my hands.
Janet: Mr. Furley, where are we gonna get the money?
Mr. Furley: I don’t know. Maybe you ought to get yourselves another roommate till Chrissy comes back.
Jack: Another roommate?
Janet: Really, that’s ridiculous.
Larry: That’s a stupid idea.
Mr. Furley: Just because an idea’s stupid doesn’t mean it won’t work.
The next day, Mr. Furley rings the door and knocks on the door, but no one is answering. He uses his keys and enters the apartment.
Mr. Furley: Hello? Is anybody home? Come in. Come in. Look.
A woman enters the apartment.
Woman: Are you sure they won’t mind?
Mr. Furley: Mind? They’ll thank me.
Woman: Hmm, not bad.
Mr. Furley looks at the woman’s back side.
Mr. Furley: You can say that again.
Mr. Furley sniffs.
Mr. Furley; Let me just show you the bedroom you’ll be sharing.
Mr. Furley: Did I say “bedrrom”? I’m sorry, I meant the kitchen. Right this way.
Woman: Well, thank you, Mr. Furley.
Mr. Furley: You could call me Ralph.
The woman and Mr. Furley enter the kitchen. Larry arrives.
Larry: Jack? Janet? Pssst, looks like nobody’s home.
Girl: Do they always leave the door open?
Larry: Like I told you, Jennifer, this is a very friendly neighborhood. You’re gonna love living here. Well… yeah, it’s close to everything: shopping, the beach, my apartment. This is the kitchen. Here’s the living room. This is the bathroom, and, of course, your handy bedroom, right in here.
Larry and Jennifer enter the bedroom.
Woman: Well, it’s very nice. But I’m not sure about sharing an apartment.
Mr. Furley: Well, you’ve gotta have a place, and there’s nothing else available.
Woman: Well, I don’t know. It’s ben so hard, making decisions since my husband died.
Mr. Furley: Oh, you’re a widow. I mean, what a shame.
Woman: Poor Charlie. It was his heart. He went like that…during the night.
Woman snaps her fingers.
Mr. Furley: And it killed him?
Jack tries to see if Janet’s home.
Maxine: Oh Jack, I’m gonna love it here. I’ve always wanted to live near the beach.
Jack: Yeah, there’s so many fun things to do.
Jack: It’ll be so convenient—I mean, for you and me to get together.
Maxine: How much?
Jack: As mucha as we want.
Maxine: I mean, how much is the rent?
Jack: Oh, oh, the rent. Yeah, well, let’s talk about that later. I thought –
Maxine: Jack, if we’re gonna go to the beach, I’ve gotta change to my bathing suit.
Jack: Oh, sure, Maxine, why don’t you use the little Maxines’ room, right there? And I’ll go to my room to change into my bathing trunks.
Maxine winks at Jack. Jack jumps for joy like a cheerleader.
Mr. Furley enters the living room.
Mr. Furley: Think of all the money you’ll save. And you’re just gonna love the kids, they’re wonderful kids. No wild parties, no weird goings-on.
Woman: Well, I should hope not.
Mr. Furley: They’re hardly ever at home. Here, lemme show you the bathroom.
Mr. Furley opens the bathroom and Maxine screams.
Woman: What was that?
Mr. Furley: The, uh, plumber fixing the pipes. Uh, lemme show you the bedroom.
Larry and Jennifer are kissing in the bedroom when Mr. Furley enters. Jennifer screams.
Mr. Furley: Plumber’s helper.
Jack enters the living room with only his boxers on.
Larry: Mr. Furley!
Mr. Furley: Larry!
Larry and Mr. Furley: Maxine!
Maxine: That man was peeping in on me.
Mr. Furley: That’s ridiculous! What do you think I am?
Jennifer: A creep! That man was peeping in on us, too.
Larry: A peeping creep! Shame on you Mr. Furley.
Maxine: Jack, who are all these people?
Jack: That’s what I’d like to know. Larry, what are you doing here?
Larry: I brought your new roommate.
Woman: Maybe I’d better go.
Mr. Furley: No, you stay here. You’re the new roommate.
Maxine: I thought I was the new roommate!
Jack: You are! You are! And for the rest of you this is not a hotel!
Mr. Furley: It’s not a nudist colony, either. Put your pants on.
Jack: Oh, excuse me. I’m sorry.
Larry: Mr. Furley, I only think it’s fair to let you know that we were here first.
Mr. Furley: We were here first.
Jack: Hey, just a minute, just a minute. I don’t care who was first. I’m the one who lives here, remember?
Larry: Jack, you want me to help you with the rent?
All are arguing when Janet arrives.
Janet: Hey, hey, what’s going on?
Jack: Oh, Janet, Janet, you’re just in time.
Janet laughs especially at Jack’s unzipped pants.
Janet: In time for what?
Jack: Janet, would you please tell these people who has the right to pick our new roommate, these outsiders or somebody who lives here?
Janet: Well, somebody who lives here, of course.
Jack: Talk to me, Janet! You see? I’m so glad you feel that way, too, Jack. Bill, come on in!
Janet: Jack, I’d like for you to meet our new roommate.
Jack: Our new roommate?
Jack laughs and pulls Janet aside.
Jack: That is so sick.
Janet: It is, is it?
Woman: This is not an apartment. It’s Grand Central Station.
Woman walks to the door.
Mr. Furley: Wait a minute, wait a minute. How about dinner tonight?
Woman: No thank you.
Mr. Furley: How about some other night?
Woman: Thanks, but I doubt that I’ll ever be that hungry.
Mr. Furley: Woman’s so crazy about me, she can’t even eat. I’ll just go.
Jennifer: Well, honey, what’re we gonna do now?
Larry: Well, whatever it is. We’ll do it in our apartment. Oh Jack, one thing I’d like to know. Are you still gonna kiss both your roommates good night?
Bill: Do you mind if I make a suggestion?
Jack: No. Janet, I’d like to speak to you privately in the kitchen. Excuse me, my darling. Would you have a seat on the sofa? There seems to be a slight misunderstanding.
Janet: Excuse me, my darling. Would you have a seat here on the sofa? There seems to be a slight misunderstanding. I’m sure I can handle this, though.
Jack and Janet head to the kitchen.
Jack: After you.
Janet: No, no, no, after you.
Jack: After you.
Janet: No of course, after you.
Jack: Oh, come on. Ladies first.
Jack pushes Janet into the kitchen.
Jack: What do you think you’re doing bringing lover boy back here without checking with me?
Janet: Hey, back off buster. You’re just sore because I brought a man in here.
Jack: Sore? Sore? Do I look sore?!
Jack yelps at Janet.
Jack: Janet, Janet, Janet, Janet. I’m just thinking of your reputation.
Jack: Believe me, people are just not ready to see a woman living with two men.
Jack: Janet, a single, attractive woman living with two guys. I mean, there are people out there who would just love to let their filthy imaginations run wild with something like that.
Janet: Oh yeah, and who’s gonna tell ‘em?
Jack: I am!
Janet: Then how come you weren’t worried about your reputation Jack, living with two girls?
Jack: Because I’m a man, and men don’t have to worry about their reputations.
Jack: What? What?
Janet: Did you hear what you just said?
Jack: I wasn’t listening.
Janet: Do you know what you are Jack? You are a male chauvinist—
Jack: Don’t say it.
Jack: Janet, Janet, Janet—
Janet presses Jack’s nose to make it look like a pig’s snout.
Janet: Oink, oink, oink!
Bill and Jennifer look at each other after hearing Janet’s pig sounds.
Jack checks on Maxine and Bill. Janet also pokes her head out.
Jack: Excuse us, we’re just having a small discussion.
Janet: It’ll just be a moment.
Jack: No problem.
Jack grabs Janet by the neck and pushes her back inside the kitchen.
Janet: All right, Jack, now listen. At least Bill could handle his share of the rent. After all, he makes very good money.
Jack: So does Maxine. She’s a buyer.
Janet: Really? Looks more like a seller to me.
Jack: Oh, Janet!
Janet: Oh, so sorry, I didn’t mean that.
Jack: Well, can I get you a saucer of milk, meow.
Janet: I said I was sorry.
Jack: Yeah, well, I said, “meow, meow”.
Janet: Well, oink, oink.
Jack: Well, meow, meow.
Jack and Janet continue their arguing. Later momen checks on Bill and Maxine again.
Jack: I’m sorry it took so long, but Jeanette and I were having a deep philosophical discussion.
Maxine: And you thought they were doing “Old MacDonald had a farm”.
They all laugh.
Janet: I think we better get this decided, Jack.
Jack: Yes, but Janet, we don’t want to rush into things. After all, what we decide here will not only affect our lives but also, the lives of two other people.
Janet: That’s right Jack. It’s a big decision and not one that should be taken lightly.
Jack: You’re absolutely right. I’ll call it.
Jack tosses a coin.
Jack: Heads. Heads it is! Hurt me, yeah.
Janet: Hey, hey, no way, Jose!
Jack: Okay, okay, you call it.
Jack tosses the coin.
Janet: Jack, where’d it go?
Jack: I don’t know.
Janet: Oh, you’re such a ninny.
Jack: Where is it?
Jack and Janet hands and knees look for the quarter.
A woman dressed like a cowboy arrives.
Cindy: Anybody lose a quarter?
Janet: Thank you very much.
Cindy: That’s okay.
Janet: Who are you?
Cindy: I’m Cindy.
Cindy: Yeah, Chrissy’s cousin. Hi. Glad to meet you.
Cindy: Yeah, she said I could stay here while she’s gone. Didn’t you get her letter?
Jack: I told you to read Chrissy’s letter.
Jack slaps Janet’s arm. Janet does the same.
Janet: Hey, we got a problem.
They close their fists and prepare to box each other.
Bill: Hey, wait a minute. If she’s movin’ in, then what about us?
Janet: Oh, hang on a second there, Bill. Uh, put that stuff down here. Cindy, is it? Cindy?
Janet: Here is Bill and Maxine. You see, Bill and Maxine both need a place to stay and since we were looking for a roommate –
Cindy: And you’re trying to decide which one it should be, right?
Jack: Right, and then when you showed up—
Cindy: Well, it’s no problem.
Janet: Oh, it isn’t?
Cindy: No. Bill what’s your birthday?
Bill: August 26. Why?
Cindy: You’re a Leo?
Cindy: Well, that’s even better. And Maxine, what’s yours?
Maxine: January 4th. Why?
Cindy: I knew it, you’re a Capricorn. You two are earth people. A perfect couple. Do you realize how lucky you are?
Cindy: Yeah, it’s like it was written in the stars.
Jack: It’s like it was written in Chinese, ‘cause no one here knows what you’re talkin’ about.
Cindy: But it’s so clear. Look. You were born under the sign of Capricorn, and you are born under the sign of Virgo and there’s a sign for a one-bedroom apartment right down the street. Now, what could be more clear?
Maxine: You mean, you want us to share an apartment?
Jack: Wait a second, she doesn’t know what she’s talking about.
Maxine: Actually, it’s not such a bad idea.
Bill: Well, what are we waiting for.
Bill and Maxine make their way to the door.
Jack: Can I say something?
Janet: Uh, bye-bye.
Cindy: Gee, they make a nice couple.
Jack: That was no couple. That was my girlfriend.
Janet: And my boyfriend.
Cindy: Oh gosh, I’ve only been here a few minutes and I’ve already messed things up, huh? You don’t want me livin’ here. I’ll be going.
Janet: Wait, wait, wait.
Jack: Hang on a second. Not so fast. You didn’t know who those people were.
Jack: I mean, it’s true, you did louse things up, but I’ve made a few mistakes in my --
Jack: Last summer, I made a little one--
Janet pulls Jack aside.
Janet: Would you like to see the rest of the apartment?
Cindy: But wait a minute, I’d like to get my boat. Just a sec’.
Janet: No, she didn’t say, “boat”, did she?
Jack: Nah, I think she said coat.
Jack: Coat? Why would she leave with a b—
Cindy returns with an inflatable boat. She bumps on Jack and knocks him on the floor. She also bumps on Janet and Janet stumbles on top of Jack.
Jack: Whoa, a boat! Whoa, a boat. It’s an actual boat, here. Hi.
Cindy: My boat.
Janet: What are you doing with a boat.
Cindy: It’s for the swimmin’ pool. I got so embarrassed when it accidentally inflated on the bus.
Janet: Cindy, we don’t have a swimming pool.
Cindy: But I thought Chrissy says everybody down here has a pool.
Jack: Uh, ours was stolen. Why don’t I just put this outside, okay?
Cindy: Gee, I’m real sorry.
Jack: Boy, that suitcase—
Janet starts fixing the house, starting with the lamp that got knocked over with the chaos.
Cindy: Oh, let me help you with that.
Janet: Yeah, it’s a little crooked up here, but I can fix it. Don’t worry I think I could screw this back on.
Cindy: Gee, I musta knocked this loose.
Janet: It’ll be fine.
Cindy plugs the cord.
Janet: Yeah, good heaves.
Jack: Well, now, the boat’s all docked, and—
Jack fails to notice the lamp cord that Cindy had just plugged and trips.
Cindy: You should be more careful. Is it broken?
Jack: No, it’s just flattened a little.
Jack looks at his butt.
Janet: Look, Cindy, perhaps I should show you the bedroom.
Cindy aligns a painting.
Cindy: There, that’s better.
The painting falls down the floor.
Jack: No, no, wait, it’s okay. I’ll handle that. I’ll get it. No problem.
Cindy: I’ll get my other suitcase.
Jack: The one with the wrecking ball?
Cindy carries her suitcases.
Jack: Right here.
Cindy: Oh thanks.
Cindy walks to the bedroom and hits Jack with her other suitcase.
Jack: Hang on—whoa!
Jack finally untangles himself from the suitcase.
Jack: Janet? Jeanette? Can I speak to you for just one second, here?
Janet: What is it Jack?
Jack: I hope hurricane Cindy is just passing through.
Janet: Don’t worry I’ll take care of this. Why don’t you go make us some lunch?
Jack: Lunch? Yeah, I better use paper plates, huh?
Janet: Cindy, uh, you could sleep here.
Cindy: Terrific. And which dresser should I use?
Janet: You’re unpacking? Oh! Sure, sure, you’d be unpacking. Go ahead and use that one.
Cindy: Great, thanks.
Janet: Golly, it’s real nice that you could get down to L.A. for a couple of days.
Cindy: Oh, I’ll be staying here for a lot longer than that.
Janet: How long—how nice!
Cindy: I start my new job on Monday.
Janet: That’s nice.
Cindy: Yeah, at Chrissy’s old office. She got me the job.
Janet: Good old Chrissy!
Cindy: Yeah, really.
Janet: Yeah, really.
Cindy: Janet, I am so excited. I just know I’m gonna love livin’ here.
Janet: Oh, well now. Let’s not be too hasty. Sit down, Cindy. Sit down and chat with me.
Janet: See, I hate to break this to you, but there are a lot of problems with this kind of situation.
Cindy: Yeah, I know what you mean.
Janet: You do?
Cindy: Yeah, I’m gonna have the same problem here that I had back home.
Janet: Oh, what problem was that?
Cindy: Well, it seems I always played second fiddle to Chrissy, because she was so beautiful and I come down here and I end up with a gorgeous roommate.
Janet: There are no problems that can’t be overcome. Let me help you unpack.
Jack: Pssst, Janet.
Jack: Can I see you?
Janet: Excuse me, I’ll be right back. Yeah, Jack?
Jack: Well, how long’s she staying?
Janet: As long as she likes.
Janet: Well, Cindy, tell me how come you left home.
Cindy: Oh, well, it all started when my mother found my diary and she read it from beginning to end.
Janet: No, what happened?
Cindy: She fell asleep. She said it was the dullest thing she’d ever read.
Janet: Oh, no kidding!
Cindy: Yeah. Oh, Janet, gosh, this is so different from a small town. I’m gonna be meeting guys who never even knew me when I had braces on my teeth. It’s a whole new life. I feel like a chicken coming out of an egg.
Janet: Oh, well, just look out for some of the roosters down here. Look, while you finish unpacking. I’ll go help Jack finish making lunch.
Cindy: Oh, please, let me! Let me.
Cindy walks to the door and bumps Janet. Janet yelps!
Janet: Sure, honey.
Cindy: As long as I’m going to be living here, I want to be helpful.
Jack puts the food on a tray and makes his way out of the kitchen. At the same time, Chrissy enters the kitchen and hits Jack with the door. The tray goes flying and Jack falls, knocks down the table and chairs.
Cindy: I, uh – I thought you needed some help.
Jack: Oh, I do, I do.
Cindy: No, no, no, no.
Doorbell rings. Mr. Furley with a tennis racquet enters groaning.
Mr. Furley: I guess you now why I’m here.
Janet: You want to play tennis?
Mr. Furley: I want the rent.
Mr. Furley: I tripped on this darn thing on my way up here.
Cindy: Oh, you nice man! You found my racquet for me.
Mr. Furley: Found it? I almost broke my foor on it.
Cindy: Oh, I’m sorry.
Cindy swings the racquet and accidentally hits Jack on the head.
Mr. Furley: Who’s this?
Janet: Oh, I’m sorry, Mr. Furley. This is Cindy, Chrissy’s cousin. This is our landlord Mr. Furley.
Janet: She’s gonna be living with us for a while.
Cindy: Nice to meet ya.
Mr. Furley: Ohh, great. As long as she can pay her share of the rent.
Cindy: Oh, I can, I can.
Mr. Furley: Good. Good.
Cindy: Just as soon as I get my first paycheck, in two weeks.
Mr. Furley: In two weeks? No, it’s not good enough. I need it right now.
Cindy: My, you’re a Taurus aren’t you?
Mr. Furley: A what?
Cindy: You were born in May, right?
Mr. Furley: How’d you know that?
Cindy: Oh, I can spot a Taurus anywhere. Those piercing eyes, that firm jaw, that confident swagger of a born leader, that magnetism that women find so irresistible.
Mr. Furley: Oh, she’s go-ood. She hasn’t missed a thing. Wait a minute, young lady! I know what you’re doin’ and it’s not gonna work.
Cindy: I knew it. You can’t put anything over a Taurus.
Mr. Furley: You’re darn right, you can’t and if you don’t come up with that money in…two weeks, out you go!
Janet and Jack silently rejoice.
Cindy: Yes, sir!
Mr. Furley: And you can take your two friends here with you. Maybe you kids will learn not to mess with a Taurus.
Later that night, Larry rings the doorbell.
Larry: Hey, Jacky,how’d you make out in the roommate sweepstakes?
Jack: Well, as a matter of fact—
Larry: Don’t tell me, you ended up with Bill, am I right?
Jack: Well, actually Larry –
Larry: I knew it the minute I walked out that door, I knew it would be Bill. You know that Janet she’s got you wrapped around her little finger.
Larry: You know what your problem is, Jack?
Cindy enters the living room.
Larry: Who, who, who—
Jack: Oh, that’s Bill.
Jack: Yeah, that’s what he looks like when he gets ready for bed.
Larry: Hey, Bill, Bill, I don’t think we’ve met!
Jack: No sorry, Bill doesn’t like strangers.
Larry: Say, Bill!
Jack: Good night, Larry.
Larry’s voice rises.
Larry: Ooh, Mr. Bill, no-oo!
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Chrissy's Cousin” episode was written by Budd Grossman and George Burditt. Three’s Company is a registered Service Mark of Three’s Company (California Joint Venture of The NRW Company and T.T.C. Productions, Inc.)
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