Jack is in the kitchen preparing dinner.
Larry: Jack? Jack?
Jack: In here.
Larry: Jack, I got a favor to ask of you.
Larry: I gotta run up to Frisco this weekend on legal business.
Jack: Legal business?
Larry: Yeah, for the car lot. Sort of a breach-of-promise suit between me and this young lady.
Jack: What did you do? Promise to marry her if she bought a car?
Larry: Worse. I promised her if she bought a car, it would run. Anyway, I’d appreciate it if you could look after my plants. Maybe talk to them a little. They’d like that.
Jack: No problem, Larry, I’ll just turn on the old Tripper charm, usually reserved for the special women in my life.
Larry: I said talk, Jack, not beg. Well, don’t you worry. You won’t go beggin’ tonight, pal.
Jack: What are you talking about?
Larry: I have arranged for you to make dinner for the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. What do you say to that?
Jack: No, Larry, I can’t.
Larry: Eh-heh. For a second, I thought you said, “no”.
Jack: I did – Janet and Chrissy would kill me.
Larry: You lost me, Jack.
Jack: Look. For the last three nights, I have had three different girls up here.
Larry: Three girls in three nights? You’d be dead before Janet and Chrissy can kill you.
Jack: I know, but I’ve used every excuse in the book to get them out of this apartment. I’ve been manipulative, deceitful, and underhanded.
Larry: Jack, I’m proud of you.
Jack: Larry, I’m serious. I gotta make it up to them. I even canceled my date with Doreen Maxwell tonight.
Larry: You said no to the girl who can’t say no?
Jack: That’s right. I called, and I canceled the date. Look, I promised Janet and Chrissy a special dinner, and I’m gonna keep that promise.
Larry: Yeah, and you should. They can have dinner tomorrow night. You can have dessert tonight.
Jack: I can’t!
Jack goes to the living room and Larry follows. He starts dialing on the phone.
Larry: Oh, come on Jack! You’ve got to. She’s my boss’ niece, and if she doesn’t have a nice time tonight, it’ll really upset me.
Jack: Gee Larry, I neve knew you were so sensitive.
Larry: Oh yeah, the last time I got fired, it upset me for weeks.
Larry talks to a woman on the phone.
Larry: Hello, Denise? C’est moi, Larry.
Larry informs Jack.
Larry: She’s French.
Larry tells the woman.
Larry: Hold on one second for Jack.
Jack: Wait a minute, no – Chrissy and Janet – hello?
Woman: Hello, Jacques?
Jack tells Larry.
Jack: She is French.
Jack resume his conversation with the woman.
Jack: I mean, yes, this is Jacques – jerk, jerk – Jack, Jack, Jack!
Woman: We are getting together tonight, yes?
Jack: Well, actually, see –
Woman: Oh, I am looking forward to it so much. Larry said you would get me excited.
Jack: He what? What?
Woman: I get so excited about a good meal. In my country, a great chef is the second-best thing you can be.
Jack: What’s the first?
Woman: A great lover, of course.
Jack: Of course.
Jack mouths what the woman just said.
Jack: How soon can you get up here?
Woman: Right way. Au revoir.
Jack: Au revoir.
The woman hangs up and Jack moans.
Jack: What a voice, what a laugh. What have I done? I promised Janet –
Larry: Don’t worry, Jack. You won’t regret this.
Jack: She’s really fantastic looking? Huh, Larry?
Larry: Denise? It’s kinda hard to say. I’ve never met her.
Larry tries to escape.
Jack: Wait, Larry, Larry –
Larry imitates French accent and kisses Jack on the cheek.
Larry: Thank heaven for little girls!
Larry whistles “La Marseillaise” and makes his way out. Chrissy and Janet arrive.
Chrissy and Janet: Hi, Larry.
Jack: Girls, I have a little something I’d like to ask you.
Chrissy: Yeah, what?
Janet: Yes, Jack?
Jack: Uh, how was your day?
Chrissy: Fine, thanks.
Janet: You wouldn’t believe mine. I am lucky to still have a job, Jack.
Janet: Yes, I got these two really important orders mixed up and I ended up sending this giant “Rest in Peace” flower bouquet to a honeymoon suite.
Jack: That could be a little inappropriate.
Janet: Not as inappropriate as sending “Good luck in your new life” to a funeral.
Jack: Janet, I can see how, after a day like that, you wouldn’t be in a mood for a heavy dinner.
Janet: Are you kidding? Jack, the only thing that got me through this afternoon was looking forward to dinner with my two best friends.
Chrissy: Well, I had a terrific day!
Jack: Did ya?
Chrissy: Yeah! I ran into Steve and Kathy and they had extra tickets for the Eagles concert. They asked if Janet and I wanted to go!
Jack: That’s fantastic! You’d better get ready.
Chrissy: What? For what?
Jack: The eagles concert.
Chrissy: I’m not going.
Jack: You turned down the tickets?
Chrissy: Jack, I can see The Eagles any time. I’ve been looking forward to this dinner all day!
Jack: Chrissy, forget about dinner! I mean, I mean, think of Janet. Look at that face, look at how disappointed she is.
Janet: No, it’s not disappointment, Jack, it’s hunger. What’s for dinner?
Chrissy: Boy, I don’t know it sure smells good.
Jack: Chrissy, I haven’t started cooking anything yet.
Chrissy: You’d better get started so you can catch up with the smell.
Janet: In the meantime, I’m gonna freshen up.
Chrissy: Yeah, me too. Jack, sometimes you can be so sweet.
The two girls leave Jack and he takes the opportunity to phone Denise.
Jack: Denise, D-E-N – what am I doing?
The doorbell rings. It’s Denise.
Jack: Wow! No –
Jack: Excuse me, you can’t have dinner here tonight.
Jack: No, I’m sorry. See, there was a – what happened – what are you doing?
Denise whimpers and starts to cry.
Jack: Don’t cry, please. Hey, hey, hey, don’t cry.
Denise: You don’t like me.
Jack: Oh, that’s not true!
Denise: It was a mistake, this – this “bald date”.
Jack: No, that’s “blind date”. Please don’t cry. What, did you think we weren’t gonna have dinner together…huh?
Denise: Well, it’s what you said.
Jack: No, I said we weren’t going to have dinner here tonight. ‘cause see, my roommate’s sick.
Denise: Oh, well, then, where are we having dinner?
Jack: Uh, how about upstairs, in Larry’s apartment? Now, you take this. It’s number 304. You just take this key and go upstairs, fix yourself a drink, and I’ll get dinner ready. Okay?
Denise: Okay. Oh, Jacques. You must think I am just a big baby huh?
Denise gives Jack a kiss on the cheek. Jack baby talks.
Denise leaves. Jack enchanted with the lovely French woman falls inside the apartment.
Chrissy: Jack, who were you talking to out there?
Jack: Oh, that was Larry. Strangest thing. He just came down with the Asian flu. I sent him up to bed.
Janet: Really? We saw him a few minutes ago. He looked fine.
Jack: On the outside, yeah, but on the inside, he’s a raging epidemic. Listen, I think I’ll go put the chops on.
Chrissy: Oh, what can we do?
Jack: Uh, uh, uh, open the wine.
Jack enters the kitchen and frantically starts to cook.
Jack: Food. More food. Hamburgers.
Janet enters the kitchen.
Janet: Can I help?
Jack gets startled and yelps.
Janet: Well, in that case, maybe I’ll just take a tray up to Larry.
Jack: No, I already thought of that Janet and I prepared a tray of hors d’oeuvres myself. I’m gonna take these up.
Janet: Egg rolls?!
Jack: Yeah, I told you, he has the Asian flu.
Janet: Jack –
Jack puts an egg roll in Janet’s mouth to shut her up.
Chrissy: Jack, does red wine go with lamb chops, or does white wine go with lamb chops, or does red wine taste better, but white’s what you’re supposed to have? Or is it the other way around, or both?
Chrissy: That’s what I thought.
Jack runs up to Larry’s apartment.
Jack: Denise. I was just looking at Larry’s pictures.
Denise: He’s quite a lady’s man, no?
Jack: Well, I have given him a few pointers.
Denise: I can’t stand playboys.
Jack: As I said, I’ve tried to straighten him out.
Denise: I think you’re the kind of guy who could only be with one woman at a time.
Jack: H-h-how can you tell that?
Denise: By looking in your face. You have such honest eyes.
Jack: Hors d’oeuvre?
Denise: Yeah, thank you. Hey, where are you going?
Jack: I’ll be right back.
Jack imitates a French accent.
Jack: I have to go see about dinner.
Downstairs, Chrissy and Janet sets the table.
Chrissy: Hey Janet, I was just thinking. We are so lucky.
Janet: You mean having a roommate like Jack?
Chrissy: Yeah, what a nice guy. He stays home on Friday night to cook dinner for us, then he goes upstairs and takes care of his best friend.
Jack enters the apartment. The girls give him an adoring look.
Janet & Chrissy: Hi.
Jack: What? What?
Both girls give him a kiss.
Jack: What was that for?
Janet: Just for being you. Listen, you sit down and relax. Chrissy and I’ll take care of setting the table.
Chrissy: Yeah Jack, you’re really something.
Jack: Oh, Chrissy. Thanks.
The two girls enter the kitchen, leaving Jack by himself.
Jack: So far, so good.
The doorbell rings.
Jack: Denise! No.
Jack gets the door to find Doreen.
Jack: Oh, Doreen. For a moment, I thought – what’re you doing here?
Doreen: I’m here for dinner, Jack.
Jack: No, you’re not!
Jack slams the door on her. Doreen starts pounding the door.
Doreen: Why did you slam the door in my face?
Jack: I have a very sick roommate and some of the germs were on their way out.
Jack: Can I speak to you for a second? We can’t have dinner together tonight. Didn’t your service tell you I called?
Doreen: No, I didn’t check before I left work. Jack, are you seeing another woman?
Jack: Another woman? What are you talking about -- perish the thought! I told you, it’s my roommate.
Doreen: You didn’t tell me you had a roommate.
Jack: Well, I have a roommate and he happens to be very, very sick. Uh, uh, congested, uh, chest.
Doreen: Jack, I’m a nurse. Have you forgotten?
Jack: Yes, I did – No! No, I didn’t. Of course, how could I forget -- nurse Doreen.
Doreen: Look. There’s a drugstore five minutes from here. Now, let me just go and let me pick up some menthol, okay.
Jack: No, no. You don’t’ have to do that. It’s too much trouble.
Doreen: Don’t worry. After I’m done taking care of your roommate, then I’ll have all night just to take care of you.
Doreen gives Jack a peck on the lips. Jack moans.
Jack: Can I speak to you for just a s—
Jack became powerless as Doreen makes her way to the pharmacy.
Jack: Mr. Furley!
Downstairs, Mr. Furley puts back a mug’s ear with some crazy glue. He grunts and blows out.
Mr. Furley: There, that ought to hold it!
His doorbell rings.
Mr. Furley: Just a minute.
The bell rings again and in his anger pulls out the mug’s handle.
Mr. Furley: Hold your horses!
The handle gets glued on his hand. He struggles, but successfully removes it from his hand. Mr. Furley makes his way to the door.
Jack: Mr. Furley?
Mr. Furley: Jack, I’m very busy.
Jack: I know how busy you are, making women fall in love with you.
Mr. Furley: I told you. I’m very busy. What?! What women?
Jack: Chrissy and Janet. You’ve made them fall in love with you.
Mr. Furley: I don’t remember doing that.
Jack: Come on, Mr. Furley, don’t act innocent with me. You’ve seen it before. The heart of a impressionable, young woman, turned on by a mature and successful man at the height of his virility.
Mr. Furley: But that’s ridiculous. I’m old enough to be their…older brother.
Jack: They are upstairs, right now, pining away. They’ve stopped seeing younger men. You know. It’s that classic May-December romance.
Mr. Furley: Now, wait a minute. I’m not a day over October!
Jack: You’re taking this lightly!
Mr. Furley: No, no, I’m not! I’m not! Maybe I better talk to ‘em before they throw their lives away.
Jack: Good idea. Mr. Furley. The phone is quicker. Hurry up! Not a second to lose!
Mr. Furley does as Jack suggested and phones the girls.
Chrissy finding that Jack’s not around, answers the phone.
Chrissy: Hello? Oh, hi, Mr. Furley. You want us to come down to your apartment right now? Yeah, but we were just to have dinner.
Janet enters the living room with the salad bowl. Jack arrives at the apartment.
Janet: Hey, where were you?
Jack: I was worried about Larry.
Janet: Oh, Jack, you are just too much.
Jack: Who was that, Chrissy?
Chrissy: It was Mr. Furley. Mr. Furley wants us to come down to his apartment right away. He sounded so strange.
Janet: He IS strange.
Jack Yes, but this is different.
Janet: What do you mean different?
Jack: Maybe I shouldn’t say anything.
Janet: No, tells us, tell us!
Jack: Okay, Mr. Furley is extremely depressed.
Jack: Well, it’s his 50th birthday and he’s in his apartment, feeling all alone, unloved, unwanted.
Janet: Oh, that’s terrible.
Chrissy: We should do something.
Jack: You mean, like taking our dinner downstairs and sort of surprising him?
Chrissy: Yeah, somethin’ like that. You got any ideas?
Jack: How about that one?
Chrissy: What one?
Jack: Taking our dinner downstairs.
Chrissy: Oh, that’s a good idea.
Jack: Here, why don’t you take this, Chrissy? And Janet you take this. I’ll bring the rest of the dinner down.
Janet: That’ll give us a chance to cheer him up.
Jack: Yeah, yeah, but Janet, don’t mention anything about his birthday. I don’t want him to think that’s the only reason you’re down there.
Janet: Right, Jack. Good thinking!
Janet and Chrissy rush downstairs to Mr. Furley’s apartment. Jack enters the kitchen and takes a hold of the hot pan. Jack wails in pain.
Jack: No time for the pain. Food, more food. More food.
Mr. Furley opens the door to find Chrissy and Janet with food and candles.
Mr. Furley: Chrissy?
Mr. Furley: Janet?
Janet: Hi, Mr. Furley.
Mr. Furley: Uh, what’s that?
Chrissy: We thought we’d have dinner with you.
Janet: Yeah, we thought, since you never invite us, it would be a good idea if we just made the first move.
Mr. Furley: The first move?!
Chrissy: Yeah, and it’s not gonna be just dinner, either.
Mr. Furley: It isn’t?
Chrissy: Nope, we thought, after dinner, we could all have some fun together.
Mr. Furley: What?!
Jack brings a tray of food when Doreen meets him by the door.
Doreen: Oh, Jack, mmm! It smells great.
Jack: Actually, this is for my upstairs neighbor Larry. He has the flu.
Doreen: Wow, it must be catchy. Why won’t you run along upstairs, and I’ll go check on your roommate.
Jack: No, no, no, no! Let me do that.
Jack peeps into the bedroom.
Jack: Would you believe it? Sleeping like a baby. Listen Doreen, why won’t you go there and have a little wine, and I’ll be right back.
Doreen: All right. I’m giving you two minutes, then I’m coming up there to get you.
Jack: Oh, I wouldn’t do that Doreen.
Doreen: A minute 59, a minute 58, a minute 57.
Jack runs upstairs.
Jack: A minute 52. Here, hold this.
Jack swipes the top of the TV set and uses it as a dinner table.
Jack: All right, all set for a little dinner. Here we go.
Denise: Jacques –
Jack: Let’s not waste this magic moment with words. Let’s eat.
Denise: Wait, where’s your plate?
Jack: Mm-mm, I thought it would be more romantic if we both ate out of the same dish.
Denise: Jacques, don’t you want to say anything?
Jack: Oh yeah right. Dear Lord, thank you for what we are about to eat.
Denise: Don’t’ you want to know who I am, where I come from, what I dream of?
Denise: What? Jack, why are you acting this way?
Jack: Silly me, I forgot the broccoli. I’ll be right back. Here. Bon appetite.
Jack hands the salad bowl to Denise and dashes out the door. Meanwhile, the girls listen to Mr. Furley.
Mr. Furley: And that’s why old is old, and young is young, and beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Are you following any of what I’m saying?
Chrissy: You are so handsome for a man your age.
Mr. Furley: Well, I know, but that’s beside the point.
Chrissy whispers to Janet.
Chrissy: Boy, when Jack said he was feeling unloved and unwanted, he wasn’t kidding.
Mr. Furley: Look! I don’t need any complications in my life, and neither do you!
Janet: Mr. Furley – Mr. Furley, come on. It is not complicated. It’s very simple.
Chrissy: Yeah! We love you.
Mr. Furley: What?
Chrissy: And we wanna make you happy.
Mr. Furley: Now, wait a minute –
Janet: Very happy.
Mr. Furley: Stay away from me! I don’t wanna be happy.
Janet and Chrissy: Mr. Furley –
Mr. Furley: I’ll scream!
Jack is back at the apartment, but dashes out again.
Doreen: Where are you goin’ now?
Jack: I gotto take this up to Larry.
Jack: Well, you know, starve a fever, stuff a cold.
Janet and Chrissy try to comfort Mr. Furley.
Janet: Come on Mr. Furley, you’re very tense. Just sit down. Relax.
Mr. Furley: But you don’t understand.
Janet starts massaging Mr. Furley’s shoulders.
Janet: Isn’t this better.
Mr. Furley: Oh, yeah. No!
Chrissy: Wait! Lemme try. Close your eyes –
Jack barges in.
Jack: Dinner is served!
Mr. Furley: Jack! Am I glad you’re here. You weren’t whistling “Dixie”. These girls are crazy about me.
Jack: Well after all, they’re only human. Listen, Mr. Furley, why wont you sit there. Chrissy, Janet, sit next to Mr. Furley.
Mr. Furley: No, no! You girls sit over there. Jack, you sit next to me.
Jack: I’d love to, but I can’t –
Mr. Furley: Sit!
Janet: What is this? I thought we were having lamb.
Jack: We are.
Chrissy: What do you call these Jack? Lamburgers?
The girls laugh.
Jack: As a matter of fact, yes.
Janet: Hey, they’re good.
Jack runs out of breath.
Jack: Interesting thing about limburgers – either they’re very very good or very ba-a-a-a-a-a-ad. Get it? Lamb? Ba-a-a-ad.
Mr. Furley looks at him blankly.
Jack: I’m gonna go get us some dessert.
Mr. Furley: Forget dessert. You’re staying here till after dinner, right next to my side.
Jack starts acting gay.
Jack: Well, if you insist. You mind if I just take a nibble off yours, Mr. F.? Mmmm, isn’t this to die for? Why, Mr. Furles, you’ve got a little crumb on your lip. Lemme get that for you.
Jack takes the bottom of his shirt and wipes Mr. Furley’s lip.
Mr. Furley: I’ll wipe my own mouth, thank you!
Jack: I was only trying to help!
Mr. Furley: I thought you were gonna get dessert?
Jack: I’m gone.
Jack almost flies out the door. Janet sits beside Mr. Furley.
Jack returns to his apartment.
Doreen: So, there you are. Jack, are we, or are we not, going to have dinner tonight?
Exhausted with all the running around, Jack tries to catch his breath.
He gives Doreen a long passionate kiss and makes his way to the kitchen.
Doreen: Jack you know, if a poet expresses his feelings through words, I can’t wait to see how a chef like you expresses his.
Jack returns with a bunch of hotdogs.
Doreen: Hot dogs?
The phone rings.
Jack: I gotta get the phone. Excuse me. Hello? Oh, hi! No, don’t come up. I’ll come down. I’ll come –
Doreen: Jack, what’s going on?
Jack: It’s Larry, up.
Jack: He’s feverish. He wants broccoli.
Mr. Furley tries to escape from the girls by locking himself in the bedroom.
Chrissy: Mr. Furley! Mr. Furley –
Janet: Are you trying to hide from us?
Chrissy: Please come out.
Mr. Furley: I’m not setting foor out there till Jack comes back!
Janet: Oh great. Who knows when that’ll be. He might’ve gone to check on Larry again.
Chrissy: Maybe we should, too.
Janet: Chrissy, aren’t you worried about exposing yourself to his germs?
Mr. Furley pokes his head out the bedroom door.
Chrissy: If I care about somebody, I don’t mind exposing myself.
Upon hearing this, Mr. Furley hides back in the bedroom.
Janet: Mr. Furley!
Chrissy: If you wont’ come out, then we’re gonna go see Larry.
Mr. Furley: Good! Give me a call when you get to San Francisco!
Chrissy: San Francisco?
Mr. Furley: Yeah, that’s where Larry went for the weekend.
Jack finishes dinner with Denise.
Jack: Boy, that was good.
Denise: Mmm, I’m ready for dessert. How about you?
Jack leans in to Denise.
Denise: The chocolate mousse pie?
Jack: Chocolate mou—the chocolate mousse pie! I’ll be back in a flash.
Jack jumps out of the couch and falls on the floor.
Jack: Excuse me.
Chrissy and Janet return to the apartment.
Chrissy: Jack, Jack! Jack, we wanna talk to you!
Doreen: Who are you?
Janet: Who are we?
Chrissy: Who are you?
Jack runs into the kitchen without noticing the three girls.
Jack: I’ll be back in a second, Doreen, Chrissy, Janet.
He stops in his tracks.
Jack: Good, you’re all here. I was just about to explain. Uh, you see, Doreen, this is Janet, and this is –
Jack: Chrissy. They’re my roommates. I promised them dinner, but I also promised you dinner. I tried to call you, didn’t I? She didn’t get my message. Didn’t I try to call you?
Doreen: Well, you said.
Jack: Then I had to make dinner for her, but also wanted to make dinner for you. And I did. I made dinner for her and you. So, you see. I went to all this trouble to make dinner for you three girls.
Denise arrives in the apartment.
Jack: Make that, four girls. Now uh, see, here’s where the explanation becomes a little more complicated – you see.
Chrissy smashes the pie that’s on Jack’s hand into his face.
Jack: See, what happened is, Larry, my friend Larry, uh –
Doreen pours red wine on Jack.
Jack: Larry, uh, Larry asked me to do a favor for him –
Denise puts the salad bowl on Jack’s head.
Jack: I wanted to do a favor for Larry, and –
Janet stuffs Jack’s mouth with an egg roll.
Jack: I wanted to do a favor for Larry, and – actually, Larry asked me if I wouldn’t mind helping him out…so then what happened was –
Mr. Furley arrives at the apartment.
Mr. Furley: I thought of a way to bring the girls to their senses. You know. Just telling Janet and Chrissy that I’m too old for ‘em, that won’t work! All I’ve gotta do is show ‘em I’m old. So here’s my plan. All I’m gonna do is I’m gonna dye my hair real white, you see, and get some bifocal lenses, real thick, I can hardly see through, then a cane, and I’ll walk bent over like this. Wait’ll you hear this! I’m gonna get a rocking chair, and I’m renting an old cat, to rock with me, they they’ll have to be convinced I’m old. What do you think? Yeah, you’re right, it won’t work. I’m just too sexy. That’s my problem. That’s my curse. I’m sorry. Thanks for helping.
Jack: Any time.
Mr. Furley: I’ll tell you something else Jack, you’re a sloppy eater.
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Upstairs, Downstairs, Downstairs” episode was written by Martin Rips and Joseph Staretski. Three’s Company is a registered Service Mark of Three’s Company (California Joint Venture of The NRW Company and T.T.C. Productions, Inc.)
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