Janet is ironing clothes, while Jack sits and reads a newspaper.
Janet: Okay, Jack. Jack?
Janet: Do you want me to press your pants, or not?
Jack: Hang on a minute, Janet.
Janet: Forget it! I don’t have all night.
Jack: Hey, what about my pants.
Janet: Put ‘em under your mattress and lay down awhile.
Jack: Janet, come on, it’ll just take a minute.
Jack unbuttons his pants.
Jack: I’m sorry. Oh, no. I’m really, really sorry.
Janet: Honestly Jack.
Jack: I sincerely apologize. I wasn’t thinking.
Jack goes to his bedroom to remove his pants.
Janet: How many times have we told you not to undress in front of us?
Jack: Janet, I said I was sorry, and I promise you, I will never, ever, do it again.
Janet: Okay, okay. Maybe there’s hope for you yet.
Jack enters the living room without his pants on.
Jack: Here you are.
Jack: Just do the best you can. I want to look just right for my job tomorrow. Okay?
Janet whimpers as Jack gets the door.
Larry: Hi, Ace. I, uh –
Larry notices Jack in his underwear.
Larry: Look, if I’m interrupting anything, here, uh –
Jack: Come on, Larry, what do you want?
Larry: I can comeback.
Larry: I just wanted to know if you want to spend the evening with a beautiful young lady.
Jack: No thanks pal, I’d rather spend the evening with Janet.
Larry: Well, I understand.
Larry clears his throat.
Larry: Some other time, perhaps?
Janet: Just a minute Larry. What do you mean, “you understand”? What kind of crack is that?
Larry: Hey, don’t get upset. What two out of three roommates do in the privacy of their own living room –
Janet: Larry, just because Chrissy went to visit her parents for a couple of days doesn’t mean –
Larry: Don’t get upset.
Jack: Hey, break it up! Guys, listen. I wanna go to bed early tonight because I start my new job at the diner tomorrow.
Larry: Oh, yeah, the diner. Hey look. If I drop in one night and tell the maitre d’ that I’m a friend of the chef’s, you think I could get a nice table overlooking the garbage cans?
Jack: Listen Larry, maybe it is only a diner, but starting tomorrow, it’s gonna be serving some very good food.
Janet: The best.
Jack: And I’ll tell you something else. I’m gonna add a touch of class to that place.
Larry: Only if you shave your legs.
Janet: Oh, Jack!
At the diner.
Customer #1: I’ll have a hamburger, French fries, and a cheeseburger to go.
Mrs. Marconi: Hamburger, side of fries, and a cheeseburger on a trip.
Customer #2: The blue plate special.
Mrs. Marconi: One “death wish”.
Jack: You got it.
Jack greases the grill and places the meat patties and buns.
Jack: Bop, bop, bop-bop.
Jack puts in the fries in the fryer and splashes more fries in the fryer. He then adds seasoning to the patties.
Jack: Mm, mm, mm-mm.
Mrs. Marconi: Hey, you’re doing great kid.
Jack: You seem surprised.
Mrs. Marconi: Well, it is your first day, and things get a little hectic.
Jack: Well, don’t worry about me. I cook very well under pressure.
Mrs. Marconi: Really?
Jack: Yeah, I’m what’s known as a “pressure cooker”.
Jack laughs at his joke.
Jack: I’m cooking, and there’s… pressure.
Mrs. Marconi: A sense of humor. I like that.
Mrs. Marconi squeezes Jack’s cheek.
Mrs. Marconi: Oh, we’re gonna get along just fine.
Jack turns over the patties and puts cheese on it.
Jack: Take that.
A lovely customer sits near Jack’s station.
Lovely customer: Hi!
Jack burns his hand.
Jack: Aaaaaaaah! Can I help you?
Lovely customer: Can I have orange juice, sweet roll, and coffee?
Jack: You can have anything you want.
Customer #3: I’d like a donut and a cup of coffee –
Jack: Give me a chance! Will you, buddy?! Can I, uh, get you cram and sugar in your café?
Mrs. Marconi: Franks and beans, and shake and break a cowboy.
Jack: “Shake and break a cowboy”?
Mrs. Marconi: Western omelet.
Jack: Oh! Of course. Uh, she’ll take your order. Excuse me for just a second.
Jack winces at the lovely customer. Jack walks back to his station and burns his butt on the grill.
Jack: Franks and beans. Whoa! Break and shake a cowboy, with coffee. Breaking and – why do they call it breaking and shaking – oh, oops.
Jack puts in seasoning and imitates shaking. Mrs. Marconi walks over to get something from Jack’s station and moves closer to Jack than normal.
Jack: Excuse me, sorry. Oh, can you get it? Oh – Oh, here, let me me, uh –
Jack starts to laugh nervously.
Jack: Mrs. Marconi?
Mrs. Marconi: Yes, Jack?
Jack: Uh, I, Uh –
A bunch of customers enter the diner.
Lady: Young man?
Lady: Do you have a diet special?
Jack: Uh, diet special? Yes, we do.
Lady: Good, I’ll have two of them and a chocolate milkshake.
Jack: Tow diet specials and a chocolate milkshake.
Mrs. Marconi: Tuna salad on rye!
Mrs. Marconi: Hold the mayo!
Jack: Hold the mayo.
Mrs. Marconi: Ham and egs, over easy. Whole wheat toast.
Customer #1: Hey, where’s my hamburger?
Jack: You lost a hamburger?
Customer #1: I didn’t get it yet.
Jack: You didn’t get the ham—I know where it is. Hang on.
Man #1: I’d like a bowl of chicken soup.
Jack: A bowl of chicken soup. Okay, you got it. Let me just get this out here. Here’s the eggs, right here, okay.
Jack pours the eggs on the grill.
Jack: Whoa, whoa! Back up. Okay, easy. The, uh – the, uh – the, uh, beans and franks. Okay, hold on here for a second. Uh, and oh. And the, uh, dogs. The dogs! Come on, dogs, get along, little doggie.
Jack: Okay, whew! Uh –
Mrs. Marconi: I’ll take that, Jack. Hey, you’re doing fine.
Jack: Oh, thank you, Mrs. Marconi. It’s easy once you get the hang –
Mrs. Marconi pinches Jack’s butt. Jack shouts. Jack walks to the grill and sees Mrs. Marconi approaching. He accidentally nudges a pitcher of water and the liquid spills on the grill creating a cloud of smoke.
Jack: Whoa! Whew. Sorry about that.
Jack: Hot stuff.
Mrs. Marconi: Thank you.
Man: How about my chicken soup?
Jack: You had the chicken soup?
Jack: I’m right on it.
Jack imitates a chicken.
Jack: Here we go.
Jack bumps into Mrs. Marconi and quickly covers his butt with a plate.
Man: Hey, what’s the matter with you?
Jack: I wanted to make sure this was the right soup. Mmm. Chicken, right?
Mrs. Marconi grabs Jack’s butt again.
Jack: Ooh! Mrs. Marconi –
Jack spills the soup on the man.
After work, Jack tells Janet all about what happened at the diner.
Jack: It’s the truth, Janet. She couldn’t keep her hands off me.
Janet: Oh, Jack, you say that about every girl.
Jack: This was not a girl. I was working for an octopus. Janet, every time I turned around, there she was, hitting on me, squeezing this, grabbing that.
Janet: Grabbing what?
Jack: Where do you usually get pinched?
Jack imitates Janet.
Janet: Hey, you really are upset about this, aren’t you?
Jack: Upset?! Haha! Why would I be upset? Just because I spent eight hours dodging a sex fiend? Or because I’m so black and blue, I can hardly sit down? Why would I be upset?!
Janet: I’m glad you’re not upset.
Somebody knocks on the door.
Jack: Come in!!!
Larry: Hiya, Jack.
Jack: Hiya, Larry!
Larry: How did things go in your new job?
Janet: Can’t you tell? Terrible. His boss kept hitting on him.
Larry: That’s disgusting. I hope you didn’t let him get away with it.
Jack: It’s not a “him”.
Larry: Oh, then what are you complaining about?
Jack: What am I complaining about? Would you like to see?
Jack starts to unbutton his pants.
Janet: Don’t look, Larry. Don’t look. His little bottom is all black and blue.
Larry: How do you know?
Janet: He told me.
Janet giggles again.
Jack: You know, Janet, you wouldn’t think it was so funny if your boss hit on you.
Janet: That what I keep telling him. J
Larry: Jack, the next time she tries something, all you got to do is tell her you’re not that sort of guy.
Janet: Yeah, just tell her your heart belongs to somebody else.
Larry: Janet, it’s not his heart she’s pinching.
Larry and Janet both laugh.
Jack: Oh, you two are a big help. Forget it. I’ll take care of it myself.
Jack: How? Well, I’ll – I’ll just handle it my own way.
Janet: What’re you gonna do, Jack? Turn the other cheek?
Janet and Larry laugh.
The diner closes shop and Jack is left alone with Mrs. Marconi.
Jack: Good night. Thank you for coming. Bye-bye.
Jack closes the door and finds Mrs. Marconi right behind him.
Mrs. Marconi: My, you’re jumpy today.
Jack: Really? I wonder why.
Mrs. Marconi: Well, here I am.
Mrs. Marconi turns off the lights.
Mrs. Marconi: You said you wanted to talk to me.
Jack: I did? Oh, yeah, I did.
Jack clears throat and accidentally turns on the lights with his elbow.
Jack: Mrs. Marconi, why don’t we both with down over here?
Mrs. Marconi: Sure, Jack. Now, what’s the problem?
Mrs. Marconi places her hand on Jack’s knee.
Jack: Well, uh, actually, that’s the problem.
Jack points at her hand on his knee and gently removes it.
Jack: I don’t like being touched when I’m working. It-it-it-it makes me nervous.
Mrs. Marconi: Oh Jack, but you’re not working now.
Mrs. Marconi places back her hand on Jack’s knee.
Jack: Uh, it still makes me nervous. Uh, Mrs. Marconi, I like to do my job, nothing else. You know. I mean, if I’m nervous, I won’t be doing a good job, which isn’t fair to you. I mean. If I’m always looking behind me, I can’t see what’s in front of me. I just can’t work that way. I hope you understand.
Mrs. Marconi: Of course I understand.
Jack: You do?
Mrs. Marconi: I understand completely and you’re fired.
Jack: Oh, boy, I –
Back at the apartment, they’re having coffee as Jack tells them what transpired at the diner.
Jack: So the next thing I know, she fired me.
Janet: Boy, that’s awful.
Larry: You shoulda kept your mouth shut.
Janet: Come on, Larry. How would you like it if some woman was following you around all the time, grabbing you everywhere, falling all over you, and – look who I’m asking.
Jack: Larry’s right, it was a mistake to say anything.
Larry: No Jack, it was a mistake for her to fire you. It’s against the law.
Janet: To fire a cook?
Larry: No, it’s against the law to fire someone who doesn’t want to play games, if you know what I mean.
Jack: Come on Larry, who told you that?
Larry: My secretary. I mean, uh – no, uh, I heard it through another salesman, and kind of a grapevine type of thing. And I, uh – thanks for the coffee.
Janet: Well, what do you know? Larry finally said something that makes sense.
Jack: Yeah, I should’ve kept my mouth shut.
Janet: No, Jack, come on, this is a clear-cut case of sexual harassment. Take your boss to court and get your job back!
Jack: Look Janet, just forget about it. Okay? What happened to me was very, very embarrassing. Alright? I’d just soon not have the whole world know about it.
Janet: Well, it’s too late. You already told Larry.
Jack: Are you kidding? Men don’t gossip. Larry won’t say anything.
Janet laughs. Doorbell rings.
Janet: Come on Jack, you can’t let her get away with a thing like that! Hi. Jack listen, that woman had no right to treat you like – like a sex object.
Mr. Furley enters the apartment and listens to their conversation.
Jack: Sex object?
Janet: She only had you around for one and for one reason only. So why won’t you make her pay for it!
Mr. Furley: What’s this? Some woman’s gonna pay Jack? You gotta be kidding.
Mr. Furley laughs.
Janet: Uh, Mr. Furley –
Mr. Furley: What’s she gonna pay him with, fairy dust?
Janet: Mr. Furley, did you want something? Oh, I just found out about Jack losing his job.
Jack: Where’d you hear that?
Mr. Furley: Larry just told me.
Jack: Shut up.
Mr. Furley: Anyway, if there’s anything I can do –
Janet: Yeah, you can help me convince Jack to take his boss to court.
Mr. Furley: To court? Why?
Janet: To fight for his rights. Mr. Furley, the only reason she fired him because he told her to keep her hands to herself.
Mr. Furley: You’re kidding.
Jack: No, she’s not kidding. The woman was all over me.
Mr. Furley: Gee, how awful.
Janet: So, you can see Mr. Furley, this is a clear-cut case of sexual harassment.
Mr. Furley: Are you sure?
Janet: Of course I’m sure. Didn’t you hear what we said?
Mr. Furley: Are you sure it’s ha-rassment?
Mr. Furley: And not ha-rass-ment?
Mr. Furley: I mean some people say ha-rassment, and some people say ha-rass-ment.
Janet: What difference does it make?
Mr. Furley: It makes a lot of difference! If it ever happens to me, I want to know how to pronounce it.
Janet: Would you mind terribly if we got back to Jack’s problem?
Mr. Furley: I thought that’s what we were doing.
Jack: Just forget it, okay? I’m not going to court. I don’t, I’m not about to make a fool of myself.
Janet: Jack, come on. Better a fool than a coward.
Jack: What’s that supposed to mean?
Janet: Oh Jack, you sound like all those women who’ve been attacked, and they’re afraid to testify because they don’t want to be embarrassed.
Jack: Yeah, but wait a minute.
Janet: You have to stop her before she does this to somebody else.
Mr. Furley: Yeah, if she pulled this with a guy like you, could you imagine what she’d do with a regular guy like me.
Janet: Anyway, Jack, you could get an attorney from county legal assistance and it wouldn’t even cost you a cent.
Jack: Janet. For the last time, no. No lawyers, no courts. No nothing, okay?
Janet: Please Jack.
Jack and Janet start to argue.
Mr. Furley: Wait a minute! I think Jack is right.
Mr. Furley: After all, it’s his decision.
Jack: That’s right.
Mr. Furley: He doesn’t want to go to court, that’s his privilege.
Jack: Thank you.
Mr. Furley: If he doesn’t think his job is worth fighting for, that’s his right too.
Jack: That’s true. After all, it’s a free country.
Mr. Furley: But this apartment isn’t, and if you don’t have the rent by Tuesday, I’m takin’ you to court!
Jack seeks legal advice.
Jack: So, that’s why I thought I’d talk to a lawery, Mr. Higgins.
Mr. Higgins: Well, Mr. Tripper, it’s most unusual. I think you got a case. Yeah, we’ll take it.
Jack; Oh, good! Listen, I hate to ask you this again, but are you sure it won’t cost me anything?
Mr. Higgins: Oh no, not a cent.
Jack: Not a cent, huh? Boy, I sure hope I don’t get my money’s worth. If it doesn’t –
Jack: Oh, forget it.
Ms. Callahan: Higgins, I just wanted to ask you –
Jack stands up from his chair.
Jack: Oh –
Mr. Higgins: Jack, this is my boss. Ms. Callahan, this is Jack Tripper.
Ms. Callahan: Tripper.
Mr. Higgins: For that sex case.
Ms. Callahan: Of course. Higgins, that’s just what I wanted to see you about. You see, I intend to take this case myself. Now, be a good boy and tell my secretary. Oh, and give her this folder, please.
Mr. Higgins: Oh, right.
Jack: Nice talking to you, Mr. Higgins.
Mr. Higgins: Good luck.
Jack: Thanks. Well –
Ms. Callahan: Sit down, Mr. Tripper.
Ms. Callahan sits on the desk in front of Jack.
Ms. Callahan: Tell me now, exactly how did your employer harass you?
Jack: Well, it began the first day I started to work at the diner. She started undressing me with her eyes.
Ms. Callahan removes her big eyeglasses.
Jack: The way she looked at me – yeah, just like that. You’ve got it down past.
Ms. Callahan: Poor, poor man.
Jack: Well, yeah, it’s been rough.
Ms. Callahan: I tell ya, I have a good idea. Why don’t you and I discuss your case over lunch? I know a wonderful restaurant just around the corner.
Ms. Callahan pinches Jack’s butt.
At the courthouse, Mr. Higgins represents Jack.
Judge: Counsel for the complainant, you may call your first witness.
Mr. Higgins: Thank you. If it pleases your honor, I would like to call Mr. Jack Tripper to the stand.
Larry: I thought Jack was being handled by a woman lawyer.
Janet: He was. That’s why he got rid of her.
Jack extends a hand to the lady judge.
Jack: Hello, your excellency –
Judge: Raise your right hand. Do you swear the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Judge: You may sit down.
Mr. Higgins: Now, Mr. Tripper, would you like to tell us what happened on the tenth of June?
Jack: No. It’s just so terribly personal.
Judge: I know this is embarrassing for you, but would you please answer the question?
Jack speaks softly to the judge.
Jack: Okay. It was the first day I started working –
Judge: Would you speak up a little, please?
Jack: It was my first day at work –
Mr. Furley: Louder!
Jack: It was my first day at work and every time my boss came near, she pinched me and grabbed me.
Mr. Higgins: Uh-huh. Just where did the defendant grab you?
Jack: All over.
Judge: All over?
Jack: Yeah, behind the counter, in the storeroom, by the front door, and once by the grill, where I was cooking hamburgers. I almost burned my buns.
Mr. Higgins: Mr. Tripper, did you at any time let your employer know how you felt about her sexual advances?
Jack: Yes sir, I did. That’s when she fired me.
Mr. Higgins: You mean she fired you, when all you did was object to being pinched, and grabbed, and caressed? In other words, you lost your job when you let her know you were unwilling to submit to this sexual harassment?
Mrs. Marconi’s lawyer: Objection.
Mr. Higgins: I have no further questions.
Jack: Oh, bless you.
Mrs. Marconi’s lawyer: Just a moment. I have a question, if you don’t mind.
Jack: No, sir. Yes, sir.
Mrs. Marconi’s lawyer: Isn’t it true, my client fired you because she wasn’t satisfied with your performance?
Janet: I object! Jack never even touched her!
Judge raps gavel.
Mrs. Marconi’s lawyer: Didn’t you drop a bowl of hot soup in a customer’s lap?
Jack: Yes –
Mrs. Marconi’s lawyer: Didn’t you nearly set fire to the diner?
Jack: Yeah, but –
Mrs. Marconi’s lawyer: Can you deny you’re making up this whole wild story to cover up your incompetence?
Jack: No – I mean, yeah –
Janet: Wait a minute that’s a lie! Jack would never make up a story like that. Your honor he’s much too sweet and innocent, and he’s very shy.
Judge: You seem very concerned about this witness.
Janet: I ought to be, we’ve been living together for four years.
Judge: You have?
Jack: Please, your honor, she’s just trying to help. I hope you don’t get the wrong idea about what she said.
Larry: That’s right. Just because he lives with two girls doesn’t mean anything wrong is goin’ on.
Judge: Two girls?
Larry: Yeah, two girls. No, I know what you’re thinking. But ah, as a matter of fact, everyone thinks that Jack – uh, your honor, can you please throw me out of this courtroom?
Mrs. Marconi’s lawyer: Your honor, I make a motion for dismissal.
Judge: Denied. Mr. Tripper’s personal life does not concern us here. The only issue we have today is the complainant’s charge of sexual harassment. Now, I’d like to ask you something, Mr. Tripper.
Jack stands in front of the lady judge and leans in close to her.
Judge: Mr. Tripper, can you tell me if it – That’s very nice cologne you’re wearing. What’s it called?
Jack: Uh, mating call, I believe.
Judge: Mating call, hmm? How quaint.
Jack: I’m glad you like it.
Judge: You always wear your shirt open like that?
Judge: And those trousers, aren’t they rather tight?
Jack: Uh, tight?
Judge: You think they turn women on?
Jack: Huh, no, no –
Judge: You think they make you irresistible, don’t you?
Judge: Yes, you are all alike, with those tight trousers and open shirts, reeking of animal musk, flaunting yourself in public! And when some poor woman makes the slightest response, you act surprised.
Judge: You’re just asking for it. Shame on you! Now, you go on home and put on some decent clothes. Case dismissed.
Judge raps her gavel. Mr. Furley comes forward.
Mr. Furley: Just a minute here! Just a – hold it! I can’t believe my ears!
Judge: I can’t believe my eyes.
Mr. Furley: You’ve got Jack here figured out all wrong. Wait, I’ll get her to change her decision.
Jack: Thanks a lot, Mr. Furley. How are you gonna do that?
Mr. Furley: Let me handle it. Your honor, there’s been a great miscarriage of justice here.
Judge: I beg your pardon –
Jack: Shh – Go on Mr. Furley.
Mr. Furley: Just look at him. Can’t you tell he’s innocent? Well, just look at him. Can’t you tell he’s innocent. You don’t accuse a man of hit-and-run who’s never even driven a car.
Jack: That’s right, you don’t accuse a man of hit-and-run who’s never even – what are you talking about?
Mr. Furley: I’m talking about, you know, your problem.
Jack: Oh, no, no, no.
Mr. Furley: Relax Jack, I’m gonna win your case for you.
Judge: Look, if you’re trying to mislead this court, you have another thing coming to you. I know a woman-chasing playboy when I see one.
Mr. Furley: Well, yes, I do have that reputation – but we’re talking about Jack here, and I can tell you your honor, believe me, Jack could never lead a woman on, because he’s –
Jack puts his hand on Mr. Furley’s mouth to shut him up.
Jack: Guilty, guilty, your honor!
Everybody starts chattering and the judge raps her gavel.
Back at the apartment.
Janet: Hi, Jack. How was the new job?
Jack: Don’t ask.
Janet: Why? What happened?
Jack: The same old thing.
Janet: You’re kidding. I thought your new boss was a man.
Jack: He is, but he has a daughter.
Janet: Oh no, his daughter bothered you?
Jack: Bothered me? Janet, I couldn’t keep my mind on my work. Every time I turned around, boom, there she was.
Janet: Uh Jack,what? Pinching and grabbing?
Jack: Yes, so we sat down, and I talked to her.
Janet: Another talk? Golly Jack you’re gonna lose this job too?
Jack: No, she said, if I kept my hands off her, she wouldn’t tell her father!
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “...And Justice for Jack” episode was written by George Burditt. Three’s Company is a registered Service Mark of Three’s Company (California Joint Venture of The NRW Company and T.T.C. Productions, Inc.)
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