Monday, August 13, 2007

No Children, No Dogs - Three's Company Transcript 1.4

Janet, Jack and Chrissy play with a puppyMrs. Roper sees Janet and invites her in her house.

Mrs. Roper: Oh hey, Janet! Come on in for a second, will ya?
Janet: Sure.
Mrs. Roper: You know I finished that spicy book you gave me to read.
Janet: That was quick. I just gave it to you yesterday.
Mrs. Roper: Yeah, well I’m no fool. I went straight for the pages with the corners turned down. I read it last night in bed. It was like reading a gourmet menu at a health farm.   Continue reading...

Janet: Well, I’m glad you enjoyed it.
Mrs. Roper: Oh, don’t go yet! Come one, sit down a minute. I haven’t spoken to a soul in this whole day.
Janet: Well, what about Mr. Roper?
Mrs. Roper: Him? Huh! All I get from his is one grunt for yes, two grunts for no, and a burp when he wants his dinner. That’s all I’ve gotten for 20 years. Well, almost – it’ll be 20 years day after tomorrow.
Janet: Your anniversary?
Mrs. Roper: Yeah.
Janet: Oh, wow, how great! Are you going to see a show or anything?
Mrs. Roper: Oh, yes, yes, we’ll see a show, all right, “Baretta” followed by “Charlie’s Angels”. This is our social calendar. He won’t even remember it’s our anniversary.
Janet: Ah, I can’t imagine anybody forgetting a think like that.
Mrs. Roper: Oh, I do envy you, young people. Aah, the life you lead.
Janet: Oh, there’s nothing to it. You just have to be flat broke.
Mrs. Roper: Yeah, but there’s your boyfriends and everything.
Janet: Yeah, but they’re only after one thing.
Mrs. Roper: Oh, I do envy you young people!

Mr. Roper arrives.

Mr. Roper: Stupid doctor! That stupid doctor!
Mrs. Roper: Stanley, what happened?!
Mr. Roper: he said I was in perfect shape.
Janet: Isn’t that good?
Mrs. Roper: Not to Stanley. When he goes for a checkup, he thinks he’s wasting his money unless the doctor finds something wrong with him.
Mr. Roper: There’s plenty wrong with me.
Mrs. Roper: I can’t argue with that.
Mr. Roper: Helen.
Mrs. Roper: Oh, I’m sorry, Stanley, did you tell him about your pain?
Mr. Roper: No, we didn’t talk about you.
Janet: Oh, by the way, your wife was just telling me that day after tomorrow is a very special day.
Mr. Roper: Special?
Mrs. Roper: Uh-huh.
Mr. Roper: Wednesday? “Baretta”! “Charlie’s Angels”!
Mrs. Roper: See?
Janet: I tried. See ya later.
Mr. Roper: Ah, hold it. Hold it. Hold it. I want to talk to your roommate Chrissy and warn her.
Janet: Okay – about what?
Mr. Roper: Well, I was looking out this window about three o’clock in the morning and I saw her walking around half-naked in her nightgown.
Janet: What? Oh my God! She’s sleepwalking, again!
Mr. Roper: Sleepwalking eh, this is a decent neighborhood. Now, if she wants to walk in her sleep, you tell her to get dressed before going to bed.
Janet: That’s a brilliant idea!

Janet leaves the Ropers.

Mrs. Roper: All right, Stanley, how did you just happen to be peeping out the window at three o’clock in the morning?
Mr. Roper: Peeping? Me? I wasn’t peeping. I – I wanted to see what the weather was like.
Mrs. Roper: Then why didn’t you look out our bedroom window?
Mr. Roper: And wake you up? You wouldn’t want me to wake you up in the middle of the night, would you?
Mrs. Roper: Heavens no! And break your perfect record?

Janet is back in their apartment and informs Chrissy of Mr. Roper’s earlier comment.

Chrissy: You mean I walked out into the street in my nightie? Oh, Janet, I am so embarrassed!
Janet: Oh, hey, forget embarrassed. I’m just glad that you weren’t hurt, that’s all. Now, Chrissy, what’s making you walk in your sleep this time? Chrissy, what’s bothering you? What’s…Well, Chrissy, what?
Chrissy: Oh, it must be Mr. Rogers. His secretary’s out sick and I’m substituting for her this week.
Janet: Oh, is he giving you a rough time?
Chrissy: Oh, I just can’t keep up with him.
Janet: He dictates too fast?
Chrissy: It’s not his dictation – it’s his hands. The girls in his office call him Christopher Columbus.
Janet: What?
Chrissy: The explorer?
Janet: Hey, why don’t you complain to his boss?
Chrissy: He is the boss!
Janet: You have got a problem.

Chrissy let’s out a deep sigh, when Jack arrives.

Jack: Hi!
Chrissy: And the one thing I’m concerned about with now is the sleepwalking, though.
Jack: Sleepwalking – what are you talking about?
Janet: Jack, Chrissy walked in her sleep last night right out into the street.
Jack: Are you serious? How long has this been going on?
Chrissy: Oh, it started when I was a kid. You know it wasn’t easy being a minister’s daughter. I had to be the best in school, the best in bible class – and when I couldn’t do that I got so nervous I started walking in my sleep.
Jack: Well, just relax. I’ve got something that will take your mind off of it.

Jack runs out the door.

Janet: I wonder what he’s up to this time.

Jack comes back holding a box in his arms.

Chrissy: What have you got?

Jack brings out of the box a white puppy.

Janet and Chrissy: Aaaaaaaahhh…
Chrissy: Oh what a sweet little thing.
Jack: Yeeeaaaaahhh…
Chrissy: Oh, oh, how cute.
Janet: Oh, where did you get him?
Jack: My friend, Larry, gave him to me.
Chrissy: Honest Larry – the used car salesman?
Janet: Only thing Larry ever gave anyone was the business.
Jack: Oh, come on – just because he calls himself “Honest Larry” doesn’t mean he’s a crook. Besides, this time I gave him the business.
Chrissy: How?
Jack: Well, Larry has a soft spot for animals, and he wanted to get rid of this litter of pups so I took one.
Janet: And that’s giving him the business?
Jack: Well, I also owed him $25 and I told him that if I took a puppy, he’d have to cancel the debt.
Janet: Ah, you’ve got a soft spot too, right here.

Janet points at Jack’s head.

Jack: What do you mean?
Janet: We can’t keep it.
Jack: Why not?
Chrissy: Oh, Janet –
Janet: Oh now, come one, you guys. You know Roper’s rules – no dogs or babies allowed.
Chrissy: Oh.
Jack: Well yeah, we’re keeping half of the bargain – so far.
Janet: If we keep this dog, Mr. Roper will cancel our lease. We’ll be out on the street!

Doorbell rings.

Chrissy: Yeah, she’s right Jack.
Jack: Well, what am I supposed to do now?!
Janet: Hey.
Jack: Larry’s not gonna take that dog back. That lousy, used car salesman!

Jack opens the door and finds Larry.

Jack: Hi, Larry! We were just talking about you!
Larry: Hi Jack!
Jack: Come on in! You know Larry.
Janet and Chrissy: Hi.
Janet: Sure. What are you giving away this time your pet Tarantula?
Jack: Larry, it’s about the dog.
Larry: I know. I know. You don’t have to tell me.
Jack: Oh, that’s a relief. I thought you’d object.
Larry: Why would I object?
Jack: Isn’t he something?
Larry: And, I’m not going to charge for it either.
Chrisy: Charge for what?
Larry: Ah, for this rubber bone – I forgot to give it to Jack. It’s good for the teeth.
Chrissy: I didn’t know your teeth were giving you trouble, Jack.
Janet: It’s for the puppy.
Jack: Larry, you’re gonna have to take this dog back.
Larry: You don’t want that sweet, little, cute, little, loveable, little…
Janet: Larry, we are not allowed to have any pets.
Larry: You’ve got him, haven’t you?

Larry slaps Jack on the arm.

Chrissy: He’s housebroken.
Jack: Here.
Larry: No, no wait, whoa, whoa – What about the 25 bucks?
Jack: I’ll pay you somehow – here.
Larry: Hey, she really likes you, you know.
Jack: Larry.
Larry: She knows you wouldn’t betray her. You…
Janet: Larry please, we just can’t have a dog!
Chrissy: Oh, much as we love her…
Larry: Why don’t you hold her for a minute, Chrissy.
Jack: Larry!
Larry: Okay, okay, I get the message. Well, that’s it little girl, I’ve tried everybody I know. Nobody seems to want you. I guess I’ll just have to -- you know…
Chrissy: Have to what?
Larry: Have her put to sleep.

All three of them gasp!

Jack: Larry, hey! That horror story stuff is not gonna work here, man.
Larry: Yeah well, ah. You musn’t blame yourselves.
Janet: We – we won’t.
Larry: Okay. It’s the last time you’ll be seeing her. You wanna give her one last little stroke, Chrissy?
Jack: Larry!
Larry: Yeah?
Jack! Bye!
Larry: I’m going.

Finally, Larry leaves.

Janet: Well –

Chrissy appears to be very sullen and moves to where the box where Jack put the puppy lies.

Janet: Anyone for coffee?
Jack: Hey, he won’t do it. You know? Not Larry – that old softie.
Janet: How about a cookie?
Jack: I mean, he will have to get rid of it somehow.
Chrissy: What?!
Jack: I mean he’ll give it to someone else.
Janet: Would you like a cookie, Chrissy?
Jack: Anyway, it’s not my responsibility, is it?
Janet: Look at this! It’s your favorite kind, chocolate chip!
Jack: Got nothing to do with me! I’m not gonna lose any sleep over a stupid little puppy!
Janet: Oh! For heavens sakes! Go get the dog!
Jack: Right!

Chrissy gives a sigh of relief and kisses Janet on the cheek, while Jack runs to the door and yells for Larry only Larry is just right outside.

Jack: Hey Lar…
Larry: I’ll se ya, you old softie.

Larry gives Jack the puppy and puts the rubber bone on Jack’s mouth. That night, Chrissy starts sleepwalking again. She walks out the door. Janet runs after her.

Janet: Chrissy…Chrissy. Oh my God. Oh, Jack! Jack!

Upon learning that Chrissy has gone out, Janet knocks on Jack’s door.

Jack: What is it?!
Janet: Chrissy is walking in her sleep again – come on! Chrissy…
Jack: Oh boy, just as I was dozing off. Why can’t she sleepwalk in the daytime?
Janet: Stop shouting. You’ll wake her.
Jack: I’m not shouting!

Sound of pans dropping.

Jack: Owwwwwwwwww!!!! Ieeeeeeeeeeeee!
Janet: Quietly.
Jack: I almost broke my neck on this garbage can. I don’t know how to do that quietly.

Janet leads the still asleep Chrissy back to their apartment.

Janet: That’s it girl – in the door. That’s right. That’s right…Okay. No no, no no.

Jack returns and starts groaning. Meanwhile, Janet has successfully lead Chrissy back to their room.

Janet: That’s it. Go, now -- back to bed.
Jack: I don’t know how she can make it down those steps asleep. I’m awake and I fall down.
Janet: That’s a girl. She’s getting back in bed.
Jack: Is she really still asleep?
Janet: Yeah. Oh boy, I hope she doesn’t keep walking all night.
Jack: Yeah well. Maybe I’ll just leave my bedroom door open just in case.

Janet gives him a look of disgust.

Jack: Maybe not. Well, I’ll just go put some iodine on this graze.
Janet: Goodnight.
Jack: Don’t worry about me. It’s just a flesh wound, I’ll be fine.

Jack bumps his foot onto a basket. He turns and bumps into the credenza. The dog starts and continues yapping.

Jack: Shhh --- shhhh --- shhhh.

Now, the dog is whimpering as Jack walks to the bathroom to get the dog.

Jack: You’ll wake the Ropers. Quiet! Shh! If Roper catches you, he’ll sell you to the burger joint on the corner!
Jack tries to silence the dog.

Jack: What’s the matter little girl? Hmmm? Hmmm?

Chrissy wakes and runs to the living room.

Chrissy: What’s going on?
Jack: Little thing can’t sleep.
Chrissy: You know, maybe she’s hungry.
Jack: Yeah.
Chrissy: You better feed her. You wanna have some din-din, huh, little baby?
Jack: Watch out for that table.

The two with the puppy go to the kitchen.

Chrissy: Oh, boy. Oh, what are we gonna do?

Janet runs out the bedroom looking for Chrissy.

Janet: Chrissy, Chrissy?

Chrissy plays with the puppy and starts giggling.

Chrissy: Oh, that’s cute!

Janet hears Chrissy and Jack in the kitchen.

Jack: Yeah, there’s nothing a girl likes more than a little tickle on the tummy.

Janet continues to eavesdrop.

Chrissy: Not like that! Like this.
Jack: Yeah, is that better?
Chrissy: Ooooh, that is much better.
Jack: You are soooo beautiful!

Jack makes a kissing sound.

Chrissy: Maybe we should get a blanket.
Jack: Oh no, it’s warm enough in here.
Chrissy: Oh, ooooohhhh, I love your eyes. Oooohhh.
Jack: Here you go. This is gonna make you feel so gooood.

Janet who remains by the kitchen door runs her fingers down her face and makes a look of disgust mixed with jealousy.

Chrissy: Oooh, I could kiss every inch of you!

Janet now has a look of horror on her face. Inside the kitchen, Jack puts the dog’s bowl on the table.

Chrissy: No, Jack! Not on the table!

By this time, Janet does not know what to do.

Jack: On the floor is better.

Janet unable to stand what she’s hearing storms in the kitchen keeping her head away from the two.

Janet: All right you guys, knock it off!!!

The two look at her quizzically.

Jack: Hi.

Janet turns to discover what really was going on. Realizing that nothing was going on between Jack and Chrissy her face is filled with shame.

Janet: Hi. Hi.

Doorbell rings.

Janet: Oh, doesn’t anybody sleep at night anymore?
Jack: It’s probably Larry trying to sell some used earplugs.

Janet goes out to the living room, while Jack follows her and answers the door. Mr. Roper storms in.

Mr. Roper: You got a dog up here?

Jack and Janet start laughing.

Jack: What makes you think that?
Mr. Roper: I’ve been hearing a lot of whimpering.
Jack: Oh you mean like this?

Jack starts to whimper.

Mr. Roper: Yeah.
Jack: Oh well, you see, I stubbed my toe.

Jack holds his foot up to Mr. Roper’s face.

Jack: And uh, when I hurt myself, I cry, and that’s the way I cry.

Jack starts to whimper like a dog again.

Mr. Roper: You really are a very strange person. You know, lucky for you, you don’t’ have a dog up here. Otherwise, you’d be out on the street, and that goes for all of you!

As Mr. Roper leaves, the dog starts to whimper. He comes back. Jack pretends he stubs his toe on the door and starts to whimper.

Jack: Toe!

Jack stands with one foot up and starts whimpering.

Mr. Roper: Very strange.

To their relief, Mr. Roper leaves.

Janet: We gotta get rid of that dog.

That day, Chrissy and Janet talk in the kitchen as Janet prepares the dog’s food and Chrissy plays with the puppy..

Chrissy: Oh, I hope Jack finds someone to take her.
Janet: Yeah, but you know he’s already made about 20 calls.
Chrissy: I feel so sorry for the poor little thing. She has no place to go.
Janet: Are you kidding? I’ve counted six places she’s gone already.

Jack enters the kitchen.

Janet: Any luck?
Jack: No luck.

Doorbell rings.

Janet: Here, would you take a look at this dog food? See if it’s supposed to be heated.

Janet hands the can of dog food to Jack and gets the door to find Mrs. Roper.

Mrs. Roper: Oh Janet, I’m sorry to bother you, but I need to borrow some milk.
Janet: Milk? Milk. Of course you can borrow some milk, Mrs. Roper! Of course you can Mrs. Roper!

Jack and Chrissy hears Janet’s warning cries and the two try to hide the puppy.
Mrs. Roper: See I had a quart, but it went sour. Mr. Roper fixed our fridge, and you now how he fixes things. Now it defrosts every time we flush the toilet.
Janet: How nice. Chrissy, would you bring Mrs. Roper some milk?
Mrs. Roper: Oh, you girls don’t have to wait on me. I’ll get it myself.

Mrs. Roper makes her way to the kitchen, but Janet stops her.

Janet: Oh! You wanna go into the kitchen yourself Mrs. Roper?
Mrs. Roper: Do find it a trifle noisy in here, dear?

Janet peeps inside the kitchen, and Jack lets her know that’s it’s all clear.

Janet: Come in, Mrs. Roper.
Chrissy: Hi, here you are.
Mrs. Roper: Oh! Thank you, Chrissy. Hello, Jack.

Janet tries to lead Mrs. Roper away in the kitchen, but she sees something on the table.

Mrs. Roper: Oh, oh, is that something you made in cooking school today?

Mrs. Roper looks at the food on the table not knowing that it is dog food.

Jack: Yes, as a matter of fact, it is. It’s a beef borgignon.
Mrs. Roper: Oh, that’s French isn’t it?
Jack: Uh, most of it.
Mrs. Roper: That looks delicious! Oh, but that’s not enough for the three of you is it?
Janet: Uh, leftovers. I was just throwing this out.
Mrs. Roper: Oh, no, no. Don’t throw it out.
Jack: Oh yes, there’s too much for us.
Chrissy: Yes.
Mrs. Roper: Oh, well. It’ll be a nice change for Mr. Roper. The only time he tries something French is when he gets a side order with his big mac.

Mrs. Roper leaves with the box of milk and the bowl of dog food. Jack runs after her.

Jack: Mrs. Roper, I can’t let you have that.
Mrs. Roper: Why not?
Jack: Uh, well, it’s uh, cold.
Mrs. Roper: Oh, I’ll heat it up in a jiffy. Thanks kids!
Janet: Sure.

Mrs. Roper leaves. Chrissy goes over to Janet with the puppy.

Chrissy: Oh, what are we gonna do now?
Janet: I don’t know. I guess the little puppy will just have to go hungry.
Jack: Hold it. Hold it.
Jack: Hey, we can’t let Roper eat dog food.
Janet: Oh, why not? It’s only horsemeat.
Chrissy: Well, you know a lot of people do eat horsemeat.
Jack: Yeah, maybe with a Bearnaise sauce, but not with added bone meal and marrow bone jelly.
Janet: Maybe it’ll give Roper a nice glossy coat.
Chrissy: Besides maybe he just won’t eat it.
Janet: Right, there’s only one way to tell. The next time we see Roper, we’ll throw a stick. If he fetches…
Jack: I think I’d better go down and stop him.

Downstairs Mrs. Roper prepares supper, while Mr. Roper gets ready to eat.

Mr. Roper: I fixed that drain pipe. I must’ve gone up and down that ladder 50 times today.
Mrs. Roper: Well, you should be getting the hang of it soon.
Mr. Roper: So much to do around here. You know that ladder’s really been a big help to me.
Mrs. Roper: Why don’t you bring it into the bedroom sometime?
Mr. Roper: I hope you got something good to eat. I’m so hungry I could eat a horse!
Mrs. Roper: Special treat for you tonight, Stanley.

Mrs. Roper puts down Mr. Roper’s plate of dog food.

Mrs. Roper: Jack made it. It’s beef borginon.
Mr. Roper: What’s all that jelly stuff in there?
Mrs. Roper: It’s supposed to be in there.
Mr. Roper: Smells funny.
Mrs. Roper: It’s French!
Mr. Roper: Oh. Why aren’t you having some?
Mrs. Roper: Oh, well, there wasn’t enough for the both of us so I’m just having this stew that was leftover from last night.
Mr. Roper: Sure this stuff is good?
Mrs. Roper: Oh for heavens sake Stanley, Jack made it. It’s a gourmet dish. It’s wonderful.
Mr. Roper: Then you eat it. I’m gonna stick with the stew. I’m not in the mood to experiment.
Mrs. Roper: You never are.

There’s a knocking on the door. Mrs. Roper gets up to see who’s there.

Mr. Roper: Your stew’s not very good, but at least I’m used to it.
Mrs. Roper: Oh Jack! Hi!
Jack: Oh, I’m sorry to bother you like this.

Jack sees Mr. Roper get a spoonful of his food. He runs to stop him from eating.
Jack: I can’t let you eat that, Mr. Roper.
Mr. Roper: Wait a minute. Wait a minute!

Jack gets the whole plate and runs to the kitchen.

Mr. Roper: Hey. Hey. Hey!

Jack dumped it into the garbage disposal.

Jack: I’ll just dump this down the sink here.
Mr. Roper: Helen, stop him!
Jack: I’ll explain later, Mr. Roper. I’m sorry.

Jack gives Mr. Roper his now empty plate back.

Mr. Roper: That was my dinner.
Jack: Yes, well, goodnight.

Jack leaves.

Mr. Roper: He dumped my dinner down the sink.
Mrs. Roper: I heard.
Mr. Roper: What is he, crazy or something?
Mrs. Roper: Oh, he’s probably just shy about people eating his cooking when he’s still a student.
Mr. Roper: He dumped my dinner down the sink!
Mrs. Roper: Oh now, don’t get excited Stanley.
Mr. Roper: My dinner’s floating out to see and you tell me not to get excited?
Mrs. Roper: I’ll fix you something else.
Mr. Roper: Never mind. Never mind. I’ll eat some if this French, uh, whatever you call it.

Mr. Roper takes a spoonful of the dog food. Meanwhile upstairs, Jack enters the kitchen to talk to Janet.

Jack: Janet, I’ve just been in the bathroom.
Janet: Oh! Must you announce those things?
Jack: The puppy’s not there, it’s gone!
Janet: What? I thought you took it to bed with you.
Jack: No, I wouldn’t do that. What about the fleas?
Janet: I don’t think the dog would mind.
Jack: Janet, that little puppy could not climb out of the box by herself. Someone must have taken it!
Janet: Chrissy?
Jack: Yeah. Chrissy?!

Jack goes over to the kitchen door, while Chrissy enters the kitchen. Jack gets slammed by the door and gets knocked over the kitchen table.

Janet: Oh, Jack!
Chrissy: Oh! I’m sorry.
Jack: Oh, no, no. Listen, that’s my fault. I shouldn’t stick my nose into other people’s doors.
Janet: Want some coffee?
Chrissy: Oh, no time. I’ve gotta get to work.
Jack: Chrissy, have you seen the puppy?
Chrissy: Oh yeah, the Ropers’ have it.

Jack and Janet let out a sigh of relief then rushes out to Chrissy upon realizing what she had said.

Janet: What?!
Jack: Chrissy, wait a minute!
Janet: How did that puppy get down there?
Chrissy: I gave it to them.
Janet: You what?
Jack: Why did you give it to the Ropers?
Chrissy: Well, I had to find a good home for it and this way we have visiting rights.
Jack: Oh, good Chrissy, you blew it. Now, we’ve really had it. The Ropers know we were keeping a dog up here.
Chrissy: No they don’t.
Janet: But if you gave it to them, they have to…
Chrissy: Ah, ah – see. They don’t know that I gave it to them.
Jack: What’d you do, wear a mask?
Chrissy: No, I wore my robe. See, I put it out on their front doorstep this morning.
Janet: Oh, you didn’t leave that little puppy down there all by itself did you?
Chrissy: Of course not. I waited until I saw Mrs. Roper pick it up. See, I put it in a place where I knew they wouldn’t miss it – on top of their morning paper.
Jack: I bet that put a damper on their news.
Janet: Chrissy, what made, what made you think that, uh, Mrs. Roper would want a dog?
Chrissy: Well, anybody who loves parakeets must love dogs.
Jack: What about Mr. Roper?
Chrissy: I guess she loves him too otherwise she wouldn’t stay with him.
Janet: Chrissy!
Chrissy: I got to get to work Janet!
Janet: Wait a minute!

Chrissy opens the door and finds Mrs. Roper standing there with the puppy.

Chrissy: Ohohohoho!
Mrs. Roper: Good morning, Chrissy.
Chrissy: Oh, ho, ho. Isn’t he darling?
Jack: Awwwww. Where did you get it?
Mrs. Roper: Some blonde left him on my doorstep.
Chrissy: Oh, you saw me. I mean her.
Mrs. Roper: I’m afraid so, dear.
Chrissy: Oh. Oh. Oh. Gee. I must’ve been sleepwalking again.
Jack: Yes, she walks all around the neighborhood.
Mrs. Roper: You always put on your robe and slippers before you go sleepwalking, Chrissy?
Janet: Uh, well, uh, Mrs. Roper, we can explain. You see I know it looks really strange.

Mr. Roper arrives.

Mr. Roper: Did you tell him about the French food I ate last night? Hey! That’s a dog.
Mrs. Roper: Very good, Stanley.
Jack: You ate that stuff I sent down last night?
Mr. Roper: Yeah. What’s a dog doing in my building? I don’t allow that.
Mrs. Roper: Oh, now Stanley, stop pretending. It’s the cutest little anniversary present you ever gave me.
Mr. Roper: What?
Janet: Happy anniversary Mr. Roper.
Mr. Roper: Anniversary?
Mrs. Roper: And what a darling way to give him to me. To surprise me that way, leaving him on the doorstep.
Mr. Roper: Yeah, well…
Mrs. Roper: Isn’t that right, Chrissy?
Chrissy: Yeah!
Mrs. Roper: Just what I always wanted.
Mr. Roper: Well I – I knew that.
Mrs. Roper: Thank you, Stanley.
Mr. Roper: Oh, I almost forgot the, the reason I came up here. About that French food that I ate last night.
Jack: Oh, I’m sorry. I thought I flushed that down the drain.
Mr. Roper: No, that was my wife’s dinner. Your stuff was delicious. Do me a favor will you? Give my wife the recipe. I mean the stuff she feeds me ain’t fit for a dog.

This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “No Children, No Dogs” episode was written by Paul Wayne and George Burditt. Three’s Company is a registered Service Mark of Three’s Company (California Joint Venture of The NRW Company and T.T.C. Productions, Inc.)

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