Jack Tripper startles Janet Wood who is at the balcony checking the mail.
Jack: Anything for me?
Janet hands him the mail she was looking at earlier.
Janet: Oh, it’s you. Where you’d spring from?
Jack: I’ve been walking behind you since you got off the bus.
Janet: Why didn’t you say something?
Jack: I was enjoying the view from the rear.
Janet: That’s not my best feature.
Jack: You’ve never seen it walking up the stairs.
They enter the apartment.
Jack: I mean, I know there’s not a lot of you, but you move it around nicely.
Janet: What are you, some kind of sex maniac?
Jack: Well, if you’re going to be any kind of maniac, that’s the kind to be.
Janet laughs and gently slaps Jack with the rest of the mail on the cheek. She goes and sits on the couch, while Jack sets his books on the console table.
Janet: Don’t you ever think of anything else?
Jack: Yeah, like right now I’m thinking, how come I opened the front door without a key?
Janet: Maybe Chrissy’s home. Chrissy?!
Janet: Maybe she’s taking a shower.
Jack: You’re right. I’ll go look.
Janet: Hold it! I don’t hear any water running.
Jack: I’ll go look anyway. Maybe she’s taking a bath.
Jack moves closer to the bathroom. Janet gets off the couch.
Janet: Now, will you stop kidding around? Which one of us was the last to leave the house this morning?
Jack: That’s hard to say, you and Chrissy left before I did.
Janet gives Jack an incriminating look.
Janet: Did you forget to lock the door?
Jack: There’s been a lot of break-ins around here lately.
Janet: You’re right. That young couple next door, they’ve been ripped off twice.
Jack: You mean Horace and Mike?
Janet: Burglars don’t care about your sex life.
Janet checks the living room for anything missing, while Jack runs to the kitchen.
Janet: Pictures, plants, lamp, uh, well nothing seems to be missing.
Janet looks around and is frightened to find that Jack is no longer there.
Jack: Nothing seems to be missing, Janet, so you have nothing to worry about.
Janet: Unless the burglars are still here.
Jack: You had to find something to worry about.
Janet: Maybe they’re hiding.
Janet: You, you want to go and look in the bedroom?
Jack: Why disturb them?
Janet: All right. If you’re chicken I’ll go.
Jack: No, you stay where you are. After all, who’s the man around here? My luck.
Jack slowly makes his way to the girls’ bedroom. He reaches for the knob, but hesitates.
Jack: Right! Charlie! Bill! You stay outside! Careful with those shotguns!
Jack changes his voice.
Jack as Fred: Yes, sir!
Jack: Fred, listen carefully, take the muzzle off of the Doberman. That’s it.
Jack makes a vicious dog sound.
Jack: I’ll go in first, if they have any sense, they’ll make a run for it.
Jack quickly opens the door and makes loud barking noises.
Jack: There’s nobody in there.
Janet: Oh, what about your room?
Janet: Your room?
Jack puts his back against the door of his room and quickly opens it, while Janet hides behind the wall.
Jack: Oh, my God, what a mess.
Janet runs to take a look.
Janet: Oh! Somebody broke in?!
Jack: No, that’s just the way I left it.
Janet: There’s just one more place.
Janet pushes the hesitant Jack towards the bathroom.
Jack opens the bathroom door.
Jack: No, that’s clean.
Janet: Oh! Wait a minute, where’s the radio.
Jack: It’s right over here on this empty shelf.
Janet: No, oh, no, no, no. We’re out $300.
Jack: Oh, Janet. That’s ridiculous. That little radio couldn’t be worth $300.
Janet: But underneath that little radio was an envelope with our rent money in it -- $300 cash.
Janet: Yeah, let’s call the police.
Jack: No, wait, wait, don’t panic. Let’s check first. Maybe it slid down or fell under something.
Jack: Let’s move the plants.
Janet: You see anything?
Chrissy Snow enters the apartment.
Chrissy taps Janet’s shoulder.
Janet jumps and falls on the floor, while Jack quickly crawls to the bathroom.
Chrissy: You scared me half to death.
Jack crawls back to the living room.
Jack: Oh, that’s okay, I had to go to the bathroom anyway.
Chrissy: What is going on?
Janet: Oh, Chrissy. Chrissy.
Janet stands up and holds Chrissy’s hand.
Janet: Now, I want you to think very carefully.
Chrissy: What about?
Janet: This morning.
Janet: Before you left for work.
Janet: Did you touch the rent money?
Chrissy: Yeah, when I took the radio.
Jack: You took the radio?
Chrissy: Yeah, I took it to be repaired.
Jack: Oh, boy. You took it to be repaired. We were just about to call the police.
Janet: What did you do to the rent money?
Chrissy: Oh, I just left it over there on that – empty shelf.
Jack and Janet: Call the police.
Jack and Janet both get off their seats. Jack runs to the phone and bumps Janet along the way. Janet falls back on the couch.
Downstairs at the Ropers’, Mr. Roper is looking at himself on the mirror.
Mr. Roper: The hair is really getting thin back here. You know, it’s funny when you get to be my age, that’s always the first thing to go.
Mrs. Roper who is arranging the flowers rolls her eyes.
Mrs. Roper: Not in your case, Stanley.
Mr. Roper looks at his watch and runs to the window, while Mrs. Roper shows him the flowers.
Mrs. Roper: Look. Aren’t those pretty?
Mr. Roper: Gorgeous.
Mrs. Roper: Are you peeping at that blonde again?
Mr. Roper: What blonde?
Mrs. Roper: The blonde you’re always peeping at?
Mr. Roper: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Mrs. Roper: The one in 105.
Mr. Roper: 107.
Mrs. Roper: I got news for you, Stanley. You’ve got competition. We had a peeping Tom the other night.
Mr. Roper: You’re making that up.
Mrs. Roper: No, I’m not. I saw him plain as anything. He was looking in our bedroom window and yawning.
Mr. Roper: You must’ve been getting undressed.
Mr. Roper silently laughs at his own retort.
Mr. Roper: Where’d you get those?
Mrs. Roper: Oh, Chrissy gave them to me. Aren’t they beautiful?
Mr. Roper: Yeah, almost as good as mine.
Mrs. Roper: They are yours. She got them from our garden.
Mr. Roper: She what?!
Mrs. Roper: Now, don’t get mad Stanley. It’s the thought that counts. You know, I think we ought to do something for those kids in return. Like, uh, well, take them out to dinner.
Mr. Roper: Take them out to dinner – what for?
Mrs. Roper: Well, just to be neighborly.
Mr. Roper: I don’t want to be neighborly. If they would move out, I could rent that apartment for a lot more money.
Mrs. Roper: Aw, come on Stanley. It – it’d be fun. Please?
Mrs. Roper plays with Mr. Roper’s hair.
Mr. Roper: Careful, you’re using up my hair there.
Mrs. Roper: Oh, come on, Stanley. Just a little something to give them pleasure. You were young once. You remember the little things that used to give you pleasure?
Mr. Roper puts on a naughty look on his face.
Mrs. Roper: Watching the Wright Brothers fly for the first time?
Mr. Roper: Helen!
Mrs. Roper: Aw, come on Stanley. Come on.
Mr. Roper: All right. I’ll invite them out to dinner. It’ll give me a rest from your cooking.
Mrs. Roper: Good. Okay. You go and invite them and I’ll look for something to wear.
Mr. Roper: Oh, are you coming too?
Upstairs, Janet and Jack pace about the room while Chrissy stretches her leg and fuss with her boot.
Chrissy: $300 and we’re wiped out. Do you realize how long it takes me to save $300?
Jack: How long?
Chrissy: I don’t know. I’m still saving.
Janet: Oh, boy, do I know what you mean Chrissy.
Chrissy: Well, I can just cry.
Jack: No Chrissy, crying won’t help anything. What we’ve got to do is raise the $300 for this month’s rent.
Janet: That was last month’s rent. We’re already a month behind.
Jack: Well, we’ve got to raise the money somehow. Maybe we can sell something.
Chrissy: I’ve only got one thing worth selling and I was hoping to save that until I got married.
Janet and Jack who are sitting on the couch snap their heads to look at Chrissy.
Chrissy: My grandmother’s wedding ring.
Janet; Maybe – maybe we should just tell Roper.
Jack: Yeah, any reasonable man would understand.
Janet: Oh, you’re right. We can’t tell Roper.
Chrissy gets the door and finds a policeman.
Policeman: Tripper, Jack Tripper?
Chrissy points at Jack, while Jack run to greet the policeman.
Jack: Oh, yes, that’s me, officer. I’m the one who phoned in about the stolen money.
The policeman looks for signs of forced entry.
Janet: Oh, no, no, no, no, officer, there are no signs of forcible entry.
The policeman looks around the balcony and looks at a potted plant.
Janet: You know, we don’t know how those burglars got in here.
The policeman finds a key hidden in the pot of plant.
Policeman: Well, this key might give us a clue.
Chrissy: Oh, we keep that out there for our own use. No one else is supposed to use it.
The officer moves inside the apartment, while the three follow.
Policeman: Is there anything else missing?
Jack: Yes, Sir, a transistor radio, black with a silver dial. The volume knob is missing.
Chrissy: No! You’re forgetting. I took that to be repaired.
Jack: Which Chrissy took to be repaired so it’s not missing, Sir.
Policeman: Tell me, are you in the habit of leaving $300 in cash lying around?
Jack: We’re not in the habit of having $300.
Janet: That was our rent money.
Jack: You see, every week we collect some money for the pot.
The officer is surprised with Jack’s last word.
Jack: Oh, I mean the kitty.
Policeman: And you, uh, kept this cash hanging around loose?
Chrissy: Of course not. It wasn’t loose. It was in a big white envelope with the word “RENT” printed on it.
Policeman: Oh, this, uh, $300, do you have the numbers of the notes?
Chrissy: Two of them were fifties, fifteen of them were tens. There was, uh,
The policeman gives Chrissy a disapproving look.
Policeman: And there was nothing else missing?
Jack: Well, not exactly missing, but there are always things we can’t find. Small things, you know, like lipstick or –
Policeman: You can’t find your lipstick?
Jack: No, uh, Janet or Chrissy’s or my odd socks. I mean those items are not exactly missing, they’re just lost. I mean they’re always here somewhere, but you can’t find them, but that’s not quite what you’re talking about is it?
Policeman: They didn’t take the television set. I wonder why they didn’t take the TV.
Jack: Have you seen some of these new shows?
Janet: Look, officer, we are really in a bind here. You see, if we tell our landlord that we can’t pay the rent, he won’t believe us. But if you tell him that the money was stolen, he’ll believe it.
Chrissy: What a super idea, Janet!
Janet: Thank you.
Policeman: You want me to tell the landlord that the rent money is stolen?
Policeman: How many times have you pulled this stunt?
Jack: What stunt?
Policeman: Oh, come on, Sonny, you’re not dealing with a rookie. Next time you want to face a burglary, make it look real.
Policeman: Break up a few things get rid of the TV, and think up a better story than leaving $300 lying around in an envelope marked “RENT”. Nobody’s that stupid!
Chrissy: We are!
Policeman: You know, you’re lucky I don’t run you all in.
Jack: Hey, wait a minute.
Policeman: Yes, Sir?
Jack: Thank you for not running us all in, officer.
The officer leaves and bangs the door on his way out.
Jack: He didn’t even read us our rights.
Chrissy: What time is it?
Jack looks at Chrissy’s watch.
Jack: Six o’clock.
Chrissy: Oh! That means Roper’s gonna be here any minute to collect the rent.
Janet: Oh, he warned us last month if we don’t have that money today –
Janet makes a slitting throat gesture.
Jack: Oh, he won’t really throw us out.
Janet: Are you kidding?
Janet: He would enjoy throwing us out. Oh, God!
Chrissy: What are going to do?
Jack: All right. We’re going to buy the only thing we can afford. Time. We’ll go down to the pub and hide out.
Jack opens the door to find Mr. Roper.
Jack: Why it’s Mr. Roper. Look at Mr. Roper. It’s Mr. Roper.
Mr. Roper: Hi.
Janet: Hi. How are you doing there?
Mr. Roper: I’m fine, thank you. I just came here to tell you –
Jack: Mr. Roper, would you like to step inside for just a moment?
Mr. Roper: Oh, thank you very much.
Jack signals that the three of them make a run for it. The three sneak out, while Mr. Roper has his back turned.
Mr. Roper: Like I was saying, I told the wife, you know, they’re really not bad kids, why don’t we invite them to dinner tonight?
Mr. Roper looks behind him to see no one there.
The next day at the Ropers’ apartment, Mrs. Roper is making herself a drink, while Mr. Roper pace about the room.
Mrs. Roper: Are you still sulking about those kids walking out on you?
Mr. Roper: I don’t want to talk about it. We discussed it enough last night.
Mrs. Roper: You mean I discussed it. You fell asleep right in the middle.
Mr. Roper: I did not fall asleep.
Mrs. Roper: You did too. You fall asleep in the middle of everything.
Mr. Roper: You know, I don’t know how you do it Helen.
Mrs. Roper: Do what?
Mr. Roper: You’ve only been up a half an hour, but your tongue has already put in an eight hour shift. Why’d they run away from me like that?
Mrs. Roper: You know, maybe there’s something about you that I’ve grown used to that other people still notice.
Mr. Roper: Your tongue just went into overtime.
Mrs. Roper: Oh, you know, Stanley, you shouldn’t blame the kids. It was probably just a misunderstanding.
Mr. Roper: Not on my part.
Mrs. Roper: You’re right, dear.
Mr. Roper: I am?
Mrs. Roper: Yes. So, why don’t you go up there again tonight and ask them out to dinner?
Mr. Roper: After what they did to me, no, I’m not taking them any place. Why should I?
Mrs. Roper: For me.
Mr. Roper: You gotta give me a better reason.
Mrs. Roper: All right, I will.
Mrs. Roper pushes down the newspaper that Mr. Roper is reading.
Mrs. Roper: Now, I have a lot of things I was going to do today. I was going to go shopping. I was going to go to the beauty parlor. I was going to have a walk on the beach, but I’m giving that all up so I can stay home with you and talk. And talk, and talk –
Mrs. Roper leans in closer to Mr. Roper’s face.
Mr. Roper: Helen!
Mrs. Roper: And talk! While you’re reading your newspaper, while you’re watching the TV, while you’re taking your nap.
Mr. Roper: All right. I’ll do it.
Mrs. Roper: Oh, thank you, Stanley.
Mr. Roper: You’re not welcome.
Upstairs, Janet and Chrissy are having breakfast.
Chrissy: What are we going to do about the rent? We can’t go on avoiding Roper forever.
Janet: What about that boss of yours, that one who’s always chasing you around, you think you could get an advance out of him?
Chrissy: Only if I let him catch me.
Janet: Where’s Jack?
Chrissy: He’s in the bathroom.
Janet: Still? And they talk about women. You know, he stays in that bathroom twice as long as we do.
Chrissy: Well, he has to shave.
Janet: We have to put on our makeup.
Chrissy: And he likes to read in there.
Chrissy: He says it kills two birds with one stone.
Jack who’s only wearing a shirt and his underwear enters the kitchen.
Jack: Good morning. How are you doing?
Janet looks up to see Jack.
Janet: Oh, gee! Do you have to walk around the house in your underwear?
Jack: This is not underwear, it’s my bathing suit. I ran out of clean shorts.
Janet scrutinizes Jack’s bathing suit.
Janet: Oh, well, in that case it’s all right.
Jack: Why wasn’t it all right before?
Janet: Because before I thought it was your underwear.
Jack: Yeah, but it’s still the same shorts. You can’t tell the difference.
Chrissy: I can.
Chrissy: Because your underpants have giraffes on them.
Janet: You don’t catch us walking around the apartment in our underwear.
Jack: You’ve been too quick for me.
Chrissy: Hey, don’t you have any friends who can loan us some money?
Jack: The guys I know don’t have that kind of dough, except Charlie; he suddenly came into a lot of money.
Chrissy: Well, call him.
Jack: I can’t, he’s in jail.
Janet: You’re a big help.
Jack: Well, how about you two, you should be able to raise some money.
Chrissy: Hey, why don’t we have a garage sale?
Janet: We don’t have a garage.
Chrissy: We could rent one.
Janet: With what?
Chrissy: With the money we make from the sale, dummy?
Jack: How about you, Janet, can you get a loan?
Janet: Oh, forget it. I always have trouble getting loans, even though I go in there with ten impeccable references.
Jack: What’s the trouble?
Janet: They always check them out.
Jack: Well, I guess no loans. Loans.
Jack turns to the girls and yells.
Jack: Yes, loans!!!
Janet and Chrissy are both startled.
Jack: No, no loans, yes loans. Yes, loans is the key.
Janet: He’s really flipped out.
Chrissy: Should I call a doctor or get a net?
Jack: Why didn’t I think of that before? I’m such an idiot.
Jack smacks his head with the banana he’s holding. The banana flies above his head.
Jack: That’s the answer; there is a financial aid department at my school. They give loans to students in need.
Janet claps her hands and Chrissy rejoices.
Jack: They have to make up a really sad story.
Chrissy: Well, you’ve got one.
Chrissy: You were robbed, weren’t you?
Janet: And if you don’t pay the rent, they’re going to throw you out in the street.
Chrissy: And just to clinch it, tell them you’ve got two weak girls depending on you.
Janet: Well, what are you waiting for?
Jack looks and points at Chrissy.
Jack: Can I tell them you’re pregnant?
Chrissy pushes Jack and he falls back the kitchen door.
Chrissy: Get out of here.
Jack meets with the financial aid agent, Mr. Travis.
Mr. Travis: Now, there’s just a few questions.
Jack: Uh, what did you want this money for?
Jack: Well, the rent money was stolen, our apartment was burgled. They just smashed right in.
Mr. Travis: Dear, dear. You know, sometimes I think it would be better just to leave the front door open. We’d probably be safer that way. I mean, burglars would think it was a trick and not come in.
Mr. Travis gives a ridiculous laugh and Jack joins him. As they are laughing, Jack points at the document that the agent is signing.
Jack: There’s one thing I’d like to mention, Mr. Travis, I don’t have any collateral.
Mr. Travis: Jack, as a student here all you have to prove is need.
Jack: Oh, we need, we need.
Mr. Travis: That’s good enough for me. Oh now, you said we, does that mean you share the apartment?
Jack: With a couple of roommates who don’t have any money either and since it’s harder for a woman to get a loan than a man, I decided it was up to me, so here I am.
Mr. Travis gives Jack a curious look.
Mr. Travis: You’re living with a woman?
Jack: Oh, um, yeah, but that won’t hurt my application, will it?
Mr. Travis: Jack, Jack, this is the ‘70s, for heaven’s sake. I mean, this is a college, not a monastery. A loan approval doesn’t depend on how you conduct your private life.
Jack: Oh, good.
Mr. Travis: She doesn’t happen to be a student too?
Jack: Oh, no, she’s a typist.
Mr. Travis: Oh. Yes, uh, well, that’s all right. Now, uh, what does your other roommate do?
Jack: Oh, uh, she works in a flower shop.
Mr. Travis is shocked.
Jack: I really appreciate this, Mr. Travis.
Mr. Travis: You live with two girls?
Jack: You know, what’s so nice is that you seem to have a terrific understanding of my problems. It’s a real load off my mind, believe me.
Mr. Travis: Two girls?
Jack: That’s right.
Mr. Travis: Well, now, uh, well, uh, how long did you want to take to pay this off, I mean, six, twelve, eighteen months?
Jack: Oh, might as well go with the eighteen, huh?
Mr. Travis: Might as well. You live with two girls?
Jack: You’d like them. They’re lovely, hard working.
Mr. Travis: Oh, yes, yes, yes, now – $300, are you sure this is going to be enough?
Jack: I don’t believe in biting off more than I can chew.
Mr. Travis looks puzzled at Jack’s answer.
Mr. Travis: You don’t?
Jack: Let’s see. I figure, what, $300. If I can save $20 a –
Mr. Travis: Two girls?
Jack: Mr. Travis, I really don’t want that to bother you. I promise I’ll pay back the loan. I know I work a six hour school day and I have to study all night, but I also find time to pick up part-time jobs.
Mr. Travis: When? When?
Back at the apartment, Jack pace about the living room while Chrissy sit on the couch and Janet on the floor.
Jack: What can I tell you, I almost had the money right in my hand and then Mr. Travis asked me about my father and that ruined it.
Chrissy: Are you illegitimate?
Jack: No. He wanted to know how much my father made for a living.
Janet: Oh, oh, I see. So he could be sure you’d pay the loan back.
Jack: No, so he could be sure I couldn’t.
Chrissy: I don’t get it.
Jack: Neither did I. You see, my father earns over $6,000 a year, which means I am not a hardship case. How about that? If my father were poor and starving, we’d all be sitting pretty.
Janet: What a lousy break.
Chrissy: What are we going to do now?
Jack: I’ve got a thought. We mustn’t despair.
Jack sits on a chair and becomes silent.
Janet: Well, what’s your thought?
Jack: That’s it. We mustn’t despair.
Doorbell rings and Chrissy gets up to get the door. Janet gets up as well.
Janet: We don’t need philosophy, Jack, we need money.
Chrissy opens the door to find the Ropers’ at the door all dressed up.
Chrissy: It’s the Ropers. I’m taking a shower.
Chrissy closes the door on them.
Chrissy: That’ll keep him out for the night, huh?
Janet: Are you kidding? Keep him out? He’ll be back as soon as he figures it out.
Jack: It’s the pub or us again. Grab your coats and let’s get out of here.
The three rush to their bedrooms.
The Ropers enter the apartment and sees that nobody’s there.
Mr. Roper: How’d they get away this time?
The three rush to the living room and finds Mr. and Mrs. Roper standing there. They rush back to their bedrooms.
Mr. Roper: Hold it. Hold it.
The three stop on their tracks.
Mr. Roper: Come back here.
They slowly face the Ropers.
Mr. Roper: This time nobody’s leaving. Helen, lock that door.
Mrs. Roper: Come on, Kojak, why don’t you just tell them why you came.
Janet: Look, we can explain.
Mr. Roper: I don’t want any explanation. I just want yes or no.
Janet and Chrissy turn to Jack.
Jack: All right, no, with an explanation.
Mr. Roper: No? You mean you don’t want to have dinner with us?
Jack, Chrissy and Janet: What?
Mrs. Roper: He’s trying to invite you out to dinner tonight.
Chrissy: Is that all?
Mr. Roper: Well, maybe we can go bowling afterwards.
The three briefly talk among themselves.
Janet: We accept and thank you very much.
Mr. Roper: My pleasure.
Mrs. Roper: My idea.
Mr. Roper: My money.
Chrissy: Oh, wow! Haha! And here all along we thought you were coming up to collect the rent.
Jack grabs Chrissy and throws her behind him and Janet, while Jack and Janet struggle to explain.
Mr. Roper: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You say something about the rent?
Chrissy: I don’t remember.
Mr. Roper: Because you already paid it.
Jack: No, Mr. Roper, she didn’t – we did?
Mr. Roper: Yeah, you remember I came up to fix the sink yesterday? There was an envelope that said rent on it, so naturally I took it.
Janet: Oh, we thought we’d been robbed. We had the police here and everything. Why didn’t you leave us a receipt?
Mr. Roper: A receipt. I always – do you think I would take something without leaving a receipt?
Mr. Roper takes out from his pocket a receipt book.
Mr. Roper: Look here’s my receipt book right here. See, here’s my copy and there’s your copy.
Mr. Roper looks embarrassed as the four of them look at him. He rips the receipt and hands it to Janet.
Mr. Roper: Thanks. We all make mistakes.
Mrs. Roper: Don’t put yourself down, Stanley. You do it better than anyone.
Jack: Oh. Let’s go eat. I’m starving.
Janet: Oh, me too.
The three kids leave the apartment.
Mr. Roper: Helen, I’ll take care of you later.
Mrs. Roper: Promises, promises.
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “It’s Only Money” episode was written by Paul Wayne and George Burnditt. Three’s Company is a registered Service Mark of Three’s Company (California Joint Venture of The NRW Company and T.T.C. Productions, Inc.)
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