Chrissy is vacuuming when the hung over Janet enters the room.
Janet: Please have a little respect for the dying.
Chrissy: You’re not dying.
Janet: I’m hoping to. Tell me something.
Janet: That awful girl at the party last night?
Janet: The one that kept giggling and trying to do a striptease
Janet: That was me wasn’t it?
Janet: Eleanor must hate me. It was her wedding reception and I ruined it.
Chrissy: She didn’t even notice. Her labor pains started and they rushed her off to the hospital.
Janet: Last night?
Chrissy: Yeah, she had a boy. Seven pounds, eight ounces.
Janet: Oh, wonderful.
Chrissy: I sure hope that baby doesn’t keep them awake at night on their honeymoon.
Janet: Look at that.
Chrissy: I’d rather take a bath.
Janet: It’s all our fault you know. You made the punch.
Chrissy: There was nothing wrong with the punch.
Janet: Oh? Then why did the ladle turn green?
Chrissy goes to the bathroom and runs water for her bath not realizing that there’s a man sleeping in the bathtub.
Chrissy: I never made punch before. Maybe there was something wrong with the gin or the tequila, or the whisky, or the rum, or the vodka, or the…
Chrissy: There’s a man in there.
Janet: A what?
Chrissy: A ma – a man, a guy, asleep in the bathtub.
She shows her discovery to Janet.
Chrissy: See? Is he a friend of yours?
Janet: No, no. I -- I never saw him before.
Chrissy: Maybe he’s a burglar.
Janet: Oh, sure, he came in to steal the bathtub and fell asleep on the job.
Chrissy: We just can’t leave him in there, I mean, there’s a girl coming to look at Eleanor’s room.
Janet: Oh, that’s no problem. We’ll just…we’ll just keep her out of the bathroom.
Chrissy: What if she has to use the bathroom?
Janet: That could be a problem.
Chrissy goes back to the bathroom.
Janet brings a ladle for protection. The now soaked sleeping man awakes.
Jack: Uh…good evening.
Janet & Chrissy: Good morning.
Jack: Good Lord, is it morning?
Janet: Yes, yes it is. And – and if you don’t mind a stupid question, who are you?
Jack: Uh, oh, I’m sorry, I’m Jack – Jack Tripper. That water’s wet. Uh, you don’t happen to have a towel handy?
Chrissy: Yeah. I’m Chrissy. This is Janet.
Jack: Oh, yeah. I remember you. You were at the party last night.
Janet: We gave the party last night.
Jack: Well, I was one of your guests. I came with a friend who knew one of the gate crashers.
Chrissy: Why were you sleeping in the bathtub?
Jack: Huh? I – I don’t know. I – I—last thing I remember I had a glass of that terrible punch and then everything went black.
Janet: And green.
Jack: Isn’t there, uh, another girl that lives with you? The one who’s you know?
Janet: Eleanor, yeah, she had a boy.
Jack: Yeah, she must have. Well, look I’m – I’m sorry. I better be going.
Chrissy: Hey, you can’t go out like that. Take your clothes off first.
Downstairs, the husband and wife landlords discuss last night’s disturbance.
Mr. Roper: That party upstairs kept me awake till three o’clock in the morning.
Mrs. Roper: Oh really? I didn’t think you could hear it over your snoring.
Mr. Roper: I wouldn’t have minded if I’ve been invited.
Mrs. Roper: Oh, you wouldn’t have liked it, Stanley. All those young girls. You’re not up to it.
Mr. Roper: What does that mean?
Mrs. Roper: It’s all you can do to keep the pot boiling down here.
Mr. Roper: Well, those girls better watch it or out they go. Look at that crack on the ceiling. Their party did that.
Mrs. Roper: Oh, that wasn’t the party, Stanley, that was the earthquake.
Mr. Roper: What earthquake?
Mrs. Roper: The big one, don’t you remember? Oh, it was thrilling.
Mr. Roper: Thrilling?
Mrs. Roper: Yeah, it was the first time our bed moved in years.
Mr. Roper: Will you get your mind out of the bed and onto the ceiling? This is my building they should get my permission before they throw parties like that.
Mrs. Roper: Oh, come on, Stanley it was just a little party.
Mr. Roper: A going away party for one of the girls.
Mrs. Roper: If you’d go away, I’d give a party.
Mr. Roper: You know it’s a shame you don’t live in India. You’d be sacred there.
Mrs. Roper: And contented.
Mr. Roper: All right, which one of us is going to go up and complain?
Mrs. Roper: Well, I think it should be the head of the house.
Mr. Roper: Right.
Mrs. Roper: I’ll go as soon as my nails are dry.
Jack undresses and passes each article of wet clothing to Chrissy.
Chrissy: Pants, socks, shorts – anything else?
Jack: Only things that don’t come off.
Janet: Here, you can put this on.
Jack: Me? Put this on? You gotta be kidding.
Janet: Eleanor didn’t like it either, that’s why she left it behind.
Jack: Yeah, but…
Chrissy: It’s the only thing we have that’ll fit you.
Jack comes out of the bathroom wearing a hideous woman’s robe.
Jack: Don’t say anything.
Janet: What do you think?
Chrissy: I can’t tell. I’m used to seeing it pregnant.
Jack: If the guys at the gym could see me now they’d make me turn in my towel.
Chrissy: Would you put this in the oven?
Jack: The oven?
Chrissy: Can you think of a better way to dry them?
Jack: Uh, not too well done, huh? Uh, you don’t happen to have a razor do you?
Chrissy: Yeah, you could borrow mine.
Chrissy lends her rather small razor to Jack.
Chrissy: There you go. I have a very light beard.
Jack: Uh, is there a shaving cream?
Jack: It’s gonna be painful.
Chrissy: Wait. Try this.
Jack: Oh, yeah. Thank you. This will be fine. What is it?
Chrissy: We use it to clean the sink.
Moments later, the all-cleaned up Janet and Chrissy are in the kitchen.
Janet: Oh boy, you really loused up that toast.
Chrissy: It’s not my fault. Eleanor did not leave the recipe. Are the scrambled eggs ready yet?
Janet: Yeah, for the garbage pail.
Jack with razor cuts on his face enters the kitchen.
Jack: What’s cooking?
Janet: Breakfast. You’re just in time.
Jack: Oh, do you mind if I eat in my boots?
Chrissy: I’d rather you ate off the table.
Janet: It started out as scrambled eggs.
Jack: Well, I’m – I’m sure it’s delicious. I, uh, this – this – is horrible. Oh.
Chrissy: You think you could do any better?
Jack: The proof will be in the eating. Let me see what you got in here. Okay. Eggs, butter, what are these? Mushrooms, an onion – we’ll start with that.
Janet: Start what?
Jack: Eggs Madera fun chow. Can you boil an egg?
Chrissy: I don’t know, Eleanor always did the cooking.
Janet: Are you sure that you know what you’re doing?
Jack: Oh, yes. I’m studying to be a chef at the L.A. Technical College. You are looking at the galloping gourmet of 1980.
Janet: Oh, it takes that long?
Jack: Well, you have to learn how to trot before you can gallop. Who said that? Now, for my special touch I’ll need some bread crumbs.
Chrissy: I think I have some in my bed.
Jack: Never min. I’ll – I’ll make my own.
Chrissy: Well, that’s silly, nobody makes bread crumbs, they just sort of fall off the bread.
Jack: Uh, wine, I need some wine. Do you have a bottle?
Janet: No. Ooh, but I can make one up from party leftovers.
Janet: Oh, does it have to be all in one color?
Jack: Um – hum. Could you get me a heaping tablespoon of milk?
Chrissy: Yeah. Heaping?
Jack: Never mind, that’s fine.
In the living room, Janet pours the left-over drinks into a bottle when the doorbell rings.
Janet: Who is it?
Mrs. Roper: It’s Mrs. Roper.
Janet: Oh, come in.
Mrs. Roper: Hey, don’t you lock your door?
Janet: Whenever I think of it.
Mrs, Roper: Oh, you shouldn’t take any chances. You know, there’s been a lot of robberies in this neighborhood lately.
Janet: Oh yeah?
Mrs. Roper: About all that noise you were making last night.
Janet: Oh yeah. Um Mrs. Roper, I am really sorry. I was going to come down.
Mrs. Roper: Yeah right through the ceiling we thought. I didn’t mind all the music, but, uh, ooh, all that foul language.
Janet: There wasn’t any foul language.
Mrs. Roper: You weren’t down there with Mr. Roper.
Janet: Well, we weren’t the only ones making noise. He was beating on the ceiling with a broom handle.
Mrs. Roper; I know, now, just keep it down next time, okay?
Mrs. Roper: You know what Mr. Roper is like. “I don’t want any weirdo’s or hanky panky in my house.” He thinks – he thinks Queen Victoria was a swinger.
Just when Mrs. Roper was leaving, Jack enters the living room.
Jack: Where’s my wine? Oh, hi.
Mrs. Roper: Hello.
Janet: Here it is and hurry up, I’m really starving.
Mrs. Roper: What’s that?
Janet: Oh, a girlfriend spent the night here last night.
Mrs. Roper: Girlfriend? Look, look –
Janet: She looks dreadful without makeup, doesn’t she? Now, will you go down there and tell Mr. Roper that I promise we are going to be quiet from now on.
Janet successfully gets rid of Mrs. Roper.
Back at the kitchen, the two girls watch Jack cook.
Chrissy: Do you study cooking full time?
Jack: Weekdays from eight till two, the rest of the time I pick up odd jobs. How ‘bout you, what do you do?
Chrissy: Oh, I work in a pool.
Jack: A lifeguard?
Janet: She means a typing pool.
Jack: You’re a typist? With a shape like that?
Chrissy: Oh, it doesn’t get in the way.
Jack: No, what I meant was that you’re great looking.
Chrissy: Oh, thank you.
Jack: And to keep all that hidden.
Janet: I think your onions are overheating.
Chrissy: Janet works in a flower shop, isn’t that exciting?
The doorbell rings. Chrissy offers to get it.
Chrissy: I’ll get it.
Jack: As far as I’m concerned, she’s already got it.
Chrissy opens the door and meets the prospective housemate.
Patricia: Patricia Crawford.
Chrissy: No, I’m Chrissy Snow.
Patricia: No, I mean I’m Patricia Crawford, I’ve come to look at your apartment.
Chrissy: Oh, yeah, we’re expecting you. You can use the bathroom now.
Patricia; Must I?
Downstairs, Mrs. Roper updates Mr. Roper of her discovery.
Mr. Roper: A man up there? In women’s clothes?
Mrs. Roper: That’s right Stanley. He was wearing a girl’s dressing gown, but he didn’t fool me.
Mr. Roper: Are you sure it’s a man not a woman? They all look alike nowadays.
Mrs. Roper: Not to me they don’t. Besides, I could see some little hairs on his chest, peeping out.
Mr. Roper: Well, that doesn’t prove anything, look at your mother.
Mrs. Roper: Look, I don’t care whether you believe me or not, but it was a man.
Mr. Roper: I wonder what game is going on up there?
Mrs. Roper: Oh, probably something delightfully kinky that only three can play.
Mr. Roper: I’m going up there and I’m going to bounce him right out on his ear.
Mr. Roper makes for the door.
Chrissy gives Patricia a quick tour of the apartment.
Patricia: Well, it is small of course, but then most of the time I’ll be out here with you gals chin-wagging.
Chrissy: Uh, yes, this is the kitchen where we chin our wags and this is Jack Tripper.
Patricia: How do you do?
Janet: We found him in the bathtub.
Patricia: Really? I found a spider in the bath once. You know, they crawl up the drain pipe, oh, it was a horrible hairy little thing.
Patricia makes her way out of the kitchen.
Patricia: I just opened my mouth and screamed. I’ve kept the plug in it ever since.
Janet: She could’ve fooled me. Well, um, uh – look, Patricia?
Patricia: My friends call me “Pattikins”.
Janet: Okay, Patricia, the thing is – well, we have a lot of other girls coming to look at the apartment.
Chrissy: We have?
Janet: Well, we better have.
Patricia: Well, I could always come back tomorrow.
Chrissy opens the door to find Mr. Roper.
Mr. Roper: All right, where is he?
Janet: Mr. Roper?
Mr. Roper: There you are. You know, those clothes don’t fool me a bit.
Chrissy: This is our landlord.
Patricia: How do you do? I was just telling the girls what attractive –
Mr. Roper: Take off those clothes.
Patricia: I beg your pardon?
Mr. Roper: I beg your pardon? Don’t even sound like a girl. Who do you think you’re fooling? I mean, anybody can see that those aren’t real.
Mr. Roper pokes at Patricia’s chest.
Mr. Roper: What made you think that you could –
Mr. Roper realizing his mistake quickly stops the poking.
Mr. Roper: Oh, my God.
Patricia: You dirty old man.
Patricia hits Mr. Roper with her bag.
Mr. Roper: I’m sorry. It’s a mistake anybody could make. I mean they don’t look real. Well, I – I – I – I mean they look like a pair of, like – like a couple of, uh-oh, oh.
Mr. Roper runs out the door.
Patricia: He touched my bosoms.
Chrissy: Do you think he’s taking too much Geritol?
Patricia: I couldn’t, I just – I just couldn’t live in the same house with a man, I couldn’t – he didn’t even say, “please”.
Patricia leaves much to Janet and Chrissy’s satisfaction. Jack peeps out the kitchen door to announce that the food is ready. Excited, the two girls run for the kitchen.
Jack: You sit here, Chrissy.
Chrissy: Oh, how nice.
Jack takes a seat, while Janet clears her throat.
Jack: Oh, you sit there. I hope it’s all right. It’s the best I could do under these primitive conditions.
Chrissy: Mm, mm?
Janet: Mm, mm, mm…
Jack: You don’t care for it, huh? Oh, oh, it’s nothing really. Any genius could have done it. My specialty is –
Jack starts speaking in French.
Chrissy: What’s that?
Jack: French. Eventually, uh, I’m hoping to open up a little restaurant for people who can really appreciate high prices.
Chrissy: This breakfast is good enough to eat.
Jack: Thank you, I enjoyed making it. I don’t get a chance to practice much at the YMCA.
Chrissy: Is that where you’re staying?
Jack: I can’t afford any place else unless I can find someone to share an apartment with.
Struck with a bright idea, Janet and Chrissy look at each other. (This is the pilot episode, Chrissy was still capable of having a bright idea. Hahaha!)
Chrissy: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Janet: I think so.
Chrissy: Good. Listen, Jack, how would you like –
Chrissy takes Jack’s hand.
Jack: I like it already.
Janet: But first let’s just talk it over. Would you excuse us for a minute?
Janet leads Chrissy out of the kitchen and quickly comes back to get their food. They talk while eating.
Chrissy: And what’s there to talk over, Janet? I mean, I think he’d make a terrific roommate.
Janet: Oh, so do I.
Chrissy: Okay, let’s ask him.
Janet: No, no, no. Before we rush into this I think that we should add up the pluses and the minuses.
Chrissy: All right.
Janet: Okay, he is a great cook.
Janet and Chrissy: Plus.
Janet: He would be good protection for us around the house.
Janet and Chrissy: Plus.
Janet: He’s very good looking.
Chrissy: Plus. Minus?
Janet: Minus. You saw the way he was looking at you in there. I know you Chrissy, you have a very low melting point.
Chrissy: That’s true.
Janet: I mean, just a little bit of sweet talk and you fall apart. Look what happened with Frank.
Chrissy: I know, but Frank seemed so nice. He said he wanted me for a friend.
Janet: Yeah, and then the next night he brought the friend.
Chrissy: You’re right. But with Jack, I’ll be strong.
Janet: No, no, no, no, no – It will not work. You can’t help yourself, Chrissy. So, I’m afraid you know what the answer’s got to be.
Chrissy: Yeah, you’ll have to be strong enough for both of us.
Down at the Roper’s. Mrs. Roper is feeding her pet bird.
Mrs. Roper: Eat your Din – Din.
Mr. Roper: I’m telling you, Helen, it was a woman. I have a very sensitive finger.
Mrs. Roper: Oh, Stanley, I know a man when I see one. Mainly from memory of course.
Mr. Roper: What does that mean?
Mrs. Roper: It’s been a long time since you laid your finger on me.
Mr. Roper: You know something Helen? You’ve got enough mouth for three lips.
Mrs. Roper: I don’t care what you say Stanley, it’s a him.
Mr. Roper: It’s a her.
Mrs. Roper: It’s a him. I was up there.
Mr. Roper: I know what I saw.
Mrs. Roper: Well, I was up there and I –
Mr. Roper: It was a her.
Upstairs, Janet and Chrissy tell Jack their proposal.
Jack: Me move in here with you two?
Jack: Are you serious?
Chrissy: Yes, of course you’ll have to share everything.
Janet: The rent, the food, the phone bill.
Jack: Oh, those, yeah, sure.
Janet: Right, well, what do you say?
Jack: I need time to think it over. I’ll take it.
Janet: First, let’s just get one little thing straight. That is your room and this is our room. One false move and we take you right to the vet.
Chrissy: You can move in as soon as you like.
Mr. Roper and Mrs. Roper visit the girls.
Mr. Roper: Sorry to barge in on you again like this, but me and the wife are having a little disagreement about a certain matter of, uh, sex.
Chrissy: You want to borrow a book?
Mr. Roper: No, I don’t want to borrow a book.
Mrs. Roper: No, it’s about him.
Mr. Roper: Him? No, he’s not the one.
Mr. Roper pokes Jack on the chest.
Mr. Roper: No, no, no. No definitely not. Definitely not.
Chrissy: Uh, this is our landlord. He’s always doing that.
Jack: Hi. Tripper, Jack Tripper. I’m moving in here.
Mr. Roper: No, the one I saw was completely – Oh, no you’re not.
Jack: I’m not?
Mr. Roper: Are you crazy? Moving in with two girls? Not in my building you’re not.
Jack: Well, wait a minute, it’ll be strictly platonic.
Mr. Roper: Well, I don’t care what it is. What does that mean?
Mrs. Roper: Like you and me, Stanley.
Mr. Roper: Even so, you can’t move in here.
Jack: Yeah, well, I guess I’ll put my pants on.
Mrs. Roper: If you must you must.
Mr. Roper: See what I mean, why’d he have them off in the first place?
Mrs. Roper: They probably clashed with his dressing gown.
In the kitchen, Chrissy takes out Jack’s pants (that did not sound right) from the oven.
Chrissy: I’m sorry, Jack.
Jack: Yeah, so am I. That landloard of yours, he’s really the pits. Ah, ha, hot – hot. I shouldn’t have let him push me around, you know, I should’ve laid right into him.
Chrissy: Well, you still can.
Jack: You won’t mind?
Chrissy: No, I’d enjoy it.
Jack: You would?
Jack: Let’s go.
Jack now wearing his jeans, but still has the robe on storms out of the kitchen to confront Mr. Roper.
Jack: Mr. Roper, I – I have something I want to tell you, I wouldn’t live under your roof for all the tea –
Mr. Roper: It’s all right. It’s all right son. Janet just explained it to us, I’m sorry I misjudged you.
Mr. Roper: You can move in, it’s all right.
Mrs. Roper: And we hope you’ll be very happy here, dear.
The Roper’s leave.
Chrissy: How did you get him to change his mind?
Janet: Easy. I just convinced him that nothing would happen between Jack and us.
Chrissy: How did you do that?
Janet: Well, I told him that Jack has a decent, respectable, hard-working young man.
Jack: And that did it?
Janet: Not quite – I also told him that you were gay.
Yahoo, it is done!!! This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “A Man About the House” episode was written by Don Nicholl, Michael Ross and Bernie West. Three’s Company is a registered Service Mark of Three’s Company (California Joint Venture of The NRW Company and T.T.C. Productions, Inc.)
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